Saiyuki: Five Incarnations, Part IV: Five Things That Never Happened at the Castle of Hyakugan Maoh
These don't have to be read in order:
Part I: Three, in which Gojyo's childhood goes a little differently.
Part II: Autumn Gold, in which Kenren and Tenpou spend another incarnation as soldiers.
Part III: The Lesson, in which Gojyo finds a wounded stranger.
Author’s note: There isn’t anything more disturbing or graphic in this story than there is in Saiyuki volumes four and five, in my opinion, but given that those volumes contain incest, rape, suicide, abortion (sort of), eyeball mutilation, mass murder, miscellaneous forms of extreme violence, and swarms of centipedes... you have been warned.
This story was inspired by the comments to this post. Don’t click before reading the story, unless you don’t mind being spoiled for aspects of the premise not contained in the title.
One
She wished she hadn’t fought quite so hard when they came for her.
She had broken one youkai’s kneecap, probably killed another when she smashed a paperweight over his head, and blinded a third when he tried to rape her on the spot. But there were twenty or thirty of them, and only one of her, and no one came to save her.
They overpowered her and dragged her away to the castle of Hyakugan Maoh, and there they threw her in a cold bare cell. And no one came to save her, and the guards weren’t stupid, and they were always careful to come in groups and keep their hands on their weapons when they took her out to rape her.
They always tied her hands or pinned them, and held her ankles down. Held her hair, too, after the first time when she bit. By the time she’d stopped planning to grab a knife from a belt to kill them and started planning to use it kill herself, they were far too wary to give her a chance.
Her belly began to swell, but they kept on dragging her out to take their turns, and she couldn’t even try to imagine herself away, or else she’d miss her chance.
Then one youkai shifted his position, and momentarily rested his claws against her throat. Hard and fast, she jerked her head up and to the side. In a bright coppery burst of pain and triumph, Yaone escaped.
A hundred miles to the southwest, a schoolteacher opened the door of his house.
“I’m home!” he called. “Sorry I’m late. I was seeing some students and lost track of the-“
Soft warm arms clasped behind his back, and pulled him down and close. And kept pulling, until he was on his knees and she was lying on her back on the floor. She reached out with her foot and kicked the door shut.
“Never mind,” said Kanan, her lips brushing against his. “You’re here now.”
Two
“Sir… Sir! I am not struggling, so there is no need to shove me. Really, sir, I- Ow!”
The guards unlocked the door and shoved a youkai woman into Kanan’s cell. She fell sprawling on the floor in a tumble of unusual garments and locks of purple hair.
To Kanan’s amazement, once the guards had left, the woman got up and bowed. “My name is Yaone. I am pleased- ah, perhaps that is inappropriate under the circumstances. I should say, I am honored to meet you.”
“I’m Kanan.” She didn't bother to get up. There seemed no point to formalities when they were both going to be raped and eaten at any moment.
“Kanan-san,” said Yaone. “I am an-“
Footsteps sounded. Yaone hastily thrust her hand into her coiled hair, then withdrew it loosely closed. “Be ready to hold your breath,” she whispered, then hurried to the door.
“Oh, sir!” she called to the guards. “Might I please have something to eat?”
One of them laughed as he unlocked the door. “Yeah, I’ll give you something to put in your mouth.”
As the door opened, she raised her hand to her mouth and coughed. A cloud of white powder puffed out and dispersed about the cell. Kanan stared in astonishment, but remembered to hold her breath. The guards dropped like fruit from a tree.
Yaone scooped up the keys, grabbed Kanan by the hand, and rushed her out of the cell and out of range of the cloud. The women began to creep along the dark corridors.
“Who are you?” whispered Kanan.
“I’m an apothecary,” Yaone explained. “I always keep some of my wares hidden on my person, but they struck me from behind. That was the first moment I had my hands free. Are there other women here whom we need to release?”
Kanan shuddered. “The guards said the last one- other than me- was eaten right before they took me. And you, I suppose. Do you have any poison left?”
“Certainly,” said Yaone. “But why do you ask? I hope you don’t mean to harm yourself.”
“It’s not that. I happened to notice where the castle well was on my way in, that’s all.”
Yaone smiled. “I believe I have sufficient. Please lead the way, Kanan-san.”
Three
The guards never touched her, except to take her by the arms and escort her into the presence of Hyakugan Maoh and his son, Chin Yisou.
Kanan stood still and quiet while the king and the prince circled and fondled her.
She thought, I am not dead yet. I have not been raped yet. As long as it hasn’t happened, there must be some way to stop it from happening.
She heard them talking to her and each other, detailing everything they might do to her, but she felt strangely detached.
There must be something I can do…
“No, let me go first,” said Chin Yisou. “I know how to get her attention. Such pretty eyes you have, my dear…”
He took out some small white object, perhaps a dart of ivory or bone, and held it up to her face.
“Which eye do you wish to keep?” he inquired. “The right, or the left? Don’t hesitate to answer, or I’ll take them both.”
She could almost feel… something…Like water. Like fire. Like the blood in her veins. If everyone would just be quiet for a moment, she’d be able to focus better.
“Personally, I prefer the left,” remarked Chin Yisou, and plunged the thing into her right eye.
Pain exploded in her head, but something else exploded too. She threw out her hands as she dropped to her knees, and focused-
Some time later, Kanan wiped the blood from her face, or at least wiped away enough of it to get her left eye open. Chin Yisou and Hyakugan Maoh were burned into horrid curled-up black things, like the centipedes she sometimes found in dark corners after she sprinkled insect poison about the house.
Currents of power circulated through her body, and swirled in whirlpools at her hands and heart. She created another whorl behind her right eye, and that eased the pain enough to allow her to stand up.
She began to walk through the castle. Sometimes she saw guards charging, and when she did, she killed them. Sometimes she saw people running away, and when she did, she killed them too. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror as she passed through someone’s bedroom, and gazed curiously at the woman she saw there, with one bright eye and one dark socket, her unbound hair phosphorescent in the crackling halo that surrounded her.
When she was finished with the castle, she started on the surrounding villages. They were also of the centipede tribe, and if they didn’t approve of what Hyakugan Maoh had been doing, they should have fled his lands.
With all she had to do, it might take her a while to get back to her own village. But she felt certain that Gonou would understand.
Four
Gonou already had the keys in his hand when he found Kanan’s cell. Before she could register that he was really there, he’d unlocked it and was holding her tight. Despite everything that had happened, the moment he touched her she felt safe again, and loved, and that everything would somehow be all right. She pressed her cheek against his, and closed her eyes.
Then Gonou lurched forward with a terrible choking gasp. Suddenly she was bearing his entire weight. She sank down to the floor, holding on to him, and her lap was flooded with hot liquid. Confused, she thought, I must be having a miscarriage, thank God. Then she saw Chin Yisou standing over them, smiling and licking the blade of his bloody sword.
She spread her hands out over Gonou in a useless protective gesture.
Chin Yisou laughed. “That was a splendid bit of unexpected entertainment, wouldn’t you agree? But you needn’t defend his corpse. The dead are of no interest to me.”
Kanan put her hands down. She felt for the pulse-point under Gonou’s jaw. There was nothing under her fingers but slack, still flesh, and he felt far heavier in her arms than he ever had before.
Chin Yisou took her chin in his hand and tilted her face up. “My, my, there’s more life in your eyes now than there was when I first saw you. Tell me, what special tricks did your brother-“
In a single movement, she yanked the knife from Gonou’s belt and swept it up to slash Chin Yisou’s throat.
Kanan dragged Gonou’s body outside. She saw no living person in the castle, nor any in the courtyard. But she didn’t like to think of him lying forever in ground tainted by the centipede tribe, so she took a shovel from the barn and went as far as she could into the woods before she buried him.
Between the two of them, they seemed to have taken out every youkai there, maybe a thousand for Gonou, and one for her. It didn’t seem like enough.
No, not every youkai; there was still the one growing in her belly, the spawn of Hyakugan Maoh.
She had heard that women who couldn’t afford an apothecary sometimes attempted to abort themselves with a sharpened stick.
There were plenty of sticks in the forest.
The bleeding didn’t stop. Kanan had also heard that those women often bled to death. Good, she thought. She stretched out over Gonou’s grave, and let the pain take her away.
Someone was prodding her. “…hear me?”
I am supposed to be dead, she thought fretfully. Why are people still bothering me?
She opened her eyes. At first all she saw was scarlet. Then, as her vision slowly focused, she saw a man standing over her, with hair the color of blood, and blood-red markings on his cheek.
The earrings in his pointed ears jingled softly as he knelt down beside her. He was looking at her with the strangest expression on his handsome face: shock, partly, but also concern. He felt sorry for her, she realized. In fact, he seemed to have stopped to see if he could save her.
Too late, Mr. Compassionate Youkai. She laughed aloud.
“Yaone, come quick!” he shouted. “She’s still alive!”
Five
Gonou saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and instinctively stepped back. Kanan’s hand closed on empty space.
“No!” cried Kanan. “Give me the knife!”
He stared at her in dumb horror, unable to even ask why.
“The spawn of that beast is growing in my belly,” she said. “I will not give birth to that monster’s child.”
Gonou’s thoughts felt slow and muddy. The sound of rain was still ringing in his ears.
“You don’t have to,” he said at last. “I’ll take you to a doctor. There’s herbs that can kill it.”
Kanan shook her head. “Even so… I’ve been raped… and tortured… I’m damaged and, and dirty… I can’t go with you, Gonou, I just want to die.”
Gonou found the keys on the floor and unlocked the door. He stepped inside, keeping one hand on his knife. “Kanan… Kanan, please… I don’t care what he did to you, except that it hurt you. I love you, no matter what.”
She stood there shaking her head, and he could think of nothing to say that would change her mind.
The cell was getting darker. He tried to say her name, but his lips and tongue had gone numb. Then something hit him hard on the hip and shoulder. He was lying on something cold. His eyes were closed. Why were his eyes closed? He forced them open. Kanan was crouching over him.
The knife! He clutched at his belt.
“Forget the knife,” she said testily, sounding almost like herself again. “Where are you hurt?”
Silly question. “Everywhere.”
She tugged at his arm. He held on tighter.
“I’m not going to… Oh, all right.” She went around to the other side, and put his other arm around her shoulders. “Come on, get up. You can lean on me.”
She dragged him to his feet. He could barely stand, but though she was small she was strong, and she could bear his weight.
“Come on,” she said again. “We’ll go to the doctor together.”
“Oi, Hakkai. Are you still brooding about that thing Yaone said?”
Hakkai opened his eyes. Gojyo was leaning over from the back seat, with his blood-red hair trailing over Hakkai’s shoulder.
“Shush, Gojyo. You’ll wake the others.”
Gojyo snorted, but softly. Gesturing at Sanzo in the passenger seat, he said, “Anyone who sleeps that quietly is either out cold or already eavesdropping. And the monkey won’t wake up unless I rattle the peanut tin.”
“Ah, you could be right about that. In that case, I won’t have a midnight snack tonight.”
“You know, Hakkai, I’d heard about Hyakugan Maoh before you took him out. He didn’t just kidnap one woman at a time. So just because Kougaiji rescued Yaone from a guy who was going to take her to Hyakugan Maoh, that doesn’t mean Kanan was kidnapped instead of Yaone. He would have taken Kanan regardless.”
“Yes, that possibility did occur to me.”
“Then go to sleep, OK? I can feel you obsessing all the way from the back seat: this could have happened, that could have happened, if only, if only, if only. It’s keeping me awake, and if I get any more sleep-deprived, you know what will happen?” Gojyo made an obscene gesture, then slowly let his finger wilt.
Hakkai smiled. “Oh, my. Well, we certainly can’t have that.”
“’Night, then.”
“Good night.”
Gojyo shoved some stray limbs of Goku’s out of the way, then settled back down. Sanzo hadn’t moved, and his breathing was too soft to hear. Soon the only sounds were crickets, the wind in the leaves, the steady rhythm of Gojyo’s breathing, and the occasional mumble from Goku of “pancakes,” “extra-crispy,” and, once, “bright like the sun.”
Once Hakkai’s heart had only been big enough for himself and one other. But with blade and club and butt of gun, three more had managed to break inside, and wedge themselves into the cracks they’d made.
This was the life he had now, and if it was full of undeserved compensations, well, he was too greedy and selfish to give them up. But he had at least grown enough to mourn not only for his own loss, but for what Kanan herself had suffered and for the life she’d never had. If he’d died instead, he’d have wanted her to find her own compensations. Alike as they were, he had to believe that she’d have wanted the same for him.
Once he had been sure that they would meet again, but that was when he’d meant his death to quickly follow hers. But she must have already been reborn by now, and he couldn’t trust that he would die any time soon. Nor, to be honest, did he want to.
He hoped that she would have better luck this time, or a better protector. Or no need for one.
“Be strong, Kanan,” he whispered, so soft that even Gojyo wouldn’t hear. “This time, be strong for yourself.”
Part I: Three, in which Gojyo's childhood goes a little differently.
Part II: Autumn Gold, in which Kenren and Tenpou spend another incarnation as soldiers.
Part III: The Lesson, in which Gojyo finds a wounded stranger.
Author’s note: There isn’t anything more disturbing or graphic in this story than there is in Saiyuki volumes four and five, in my opinion, but given that those volumes contain incest, rape, suicide, abortion (sort of), eyeball mutilation, mass murder, miscellaneous forms of extreme violence, and swarms of centipedes... you have been warned.
This story was inspired by the comments to this post. Don’t click before reading the story, unless you don’t mind being spoiled for aspects of the premise not contained in the title.
One
She wished she hadn’t fought quite so hard when they came for her.
She had broken one youkai’s kneecap, probably killed another when she smashed a paperweight over his head, and blinded a third when he tried to rape her on the spot. But there were twenty or thirty of them, and only one of her, and no one came to save her.
They overpowered her and dragged her away to the castle of Hyakugan Maoh, and there they threw her in a cold bare cell. And no one came to save her, and the guards weren’t stupid, and they were always careful to come in groups and keep their hands on their weapons when they took her out to rape her.
They always tied her hands or pinned them, and held her ankles down. Held her hair, too, after the first time when she bit. By the time she’d stopped planning to grab a knife from a belt to kill them and started planning to use it kill herself, they were far too wary to give her a chance.
Her belly began to swell, but they kept on dragging her out to take their turns, and she couldn’t even try to imagine herself away, or else she’d miss her chance.
Then one youkai shifted his position, and momentarily rested his claws against her throat. Hard and fast, she jerked her head up and to the side. In a bright coppery burst of pain and triumph, Yaone escaped.
A hundred miles to the southwest, a schoolteacher opened the door of his house.
“I’m home!” he called. “Sorry I’m late. I was seeing some students and lost track of the-“
Soft warm arms clasped behind his back, and pulled him down and close. And kept pulling, until he was on his knees and she was lying on her back on the floor. She reached out with her foot and kicked the door shut.
“Never mind,” said Kanan, her lips brushing against his. “You’re here now.”
Two
“Sir… Sir! I am not struggling, so there is no need to shove me. Really, sir, I- Ow!”
The guards unlocked the door and shoved a youkai woman into Kanan’s cell. She fell sprawling on the floor in a tumble of unusual garments and locks of purple hair.
To Kanan’s amazement, once the guards had left, the woman got up and bowed. “My name is Yaone. I am pleased- ah, perhaps that is inappropriate under the circumstances. I should say, I am honored to meet you.”
“I’m Kanan.” She didn't bother to get up. There seemed no point to formalities when they were both going to be raped and eaten at any moment.
“Kanan-san,” said Yaone. “I am an-“
Footsteps sounded. Yaone hastily thrust her hand into her coiled hair, then withdrew it loosely closed. “Be ready to hold your breath,” she whispered, then hurried to the door.
“Oh, sir!” she called to the guards. “Might I please have something to eat?”
One of them laughed as he unlocked the door. “Yeah, I’ll give you something to put in your mouth.”
As the door opened, she raised her hand to her mouth and coughed. A cloud of white powder puffed out and dispersed about the cell. Kanan stared in astonishment, but remembered to hold her breath. The guards dropped like fruit from a tree.
Yaone scooped up the keys, grabbed Kanan by the hand, and rushed her out of the cell and out of range of the cloud. The women began to creep along the dark corridors.
“Who are you?” whispered Kanan.
“I’m an apothecary,” Yaone explained. “I always keep some of my wares hidden on my person, but they struck me from behind. That was the first moment I had my hands free. Are there other women here whom we need to release?”
Kanan shuddered. “The guards said the last one- other than me- was eaten right before they took me. And you, I suppose. Do you have any poison left?”
“Certainly,” said Yaone. “But why do you ask? I hope you don’t mean to harm yourself.”
“It’s not that. I happened to notice where the castle well was on my way in, that’s all.”
Yaone smiled. “I believe I have sufficient. Please lead the way, Kanan-san.”
Three
The guards never touched her, except to take her by the arms and escort her into the presence of Hyakugan Maoh and his son, Chin Yisou.
Kanan stood still and quiet while the king and the prince circled and fondled her.
She thought, I am not dead yet. I have not been raped yet. As long as it hasn’t happened, there must be some way to stop it from happening.
She heard them talking to her and each other, detailing everything they might do to her, but she felt strangely detached.
There must be something I can do…
“No, let me go first,” said Chin Yisou. “I know how to get her attention. Such pretty eyes you have, my dear…”
He took out some small white object, perhaps a dart of ivory or bone, and held it up to her face.
“Which eye do you wish to keep?” he inquired. “The right, or the left? Don’t hesitate to answer, or I’ll take them both.”
She could almost feel… something…Like water. Like fire. Like the blood in her veins. If everyone would just be quiet for a moment, she’d be able to focus better.
“Personally, I prefer the left,” remarked Chin Yisou, and plunged the thing into her right eye.
Pain exploded in her head, but something else exploded too. She threw out her hands as she dropped to her knees, and focused-
Some time later, Kanan wiped the blood from her face, or at least wiped away enough of it to get her left eye open. Chin Yisou and Hyakugan Maoh were burned into horrid curled-up black things, like the centipedes she sometimes found in dark corners after she sprinkled insect poison about the house.
Currents of power circulated through her body, and swirled in whirlpools at her hands and heart. She created another whorl behind her right eye, and that eased the pain enough to allow her to stand up.
She began to walk through the castle. Sometimes she saw guards charging, and when she did, she killed them. Sometimes she saw people running away, and when she did, she killed them too. She caught a glimpse of herself in a mirror as she passed through someone’s bedroom, and gazed curiously at the woman she saw there, with one bright eye and one dark socket, her unbound hair phosphorescent in the crackling halo that surrounded her.
When she was finished with the castle, she started on the surrounding villages. They were also of the centipede tribe, and if they didn’t approve of what Hyakugan Maoh had been doing, they should have fled his lands.
With all she had to do, it might take her a while to get back to her own village. But she felt certain that Gonou would understand.
Four
Gonou already had the keys in his hand when he found Kanan’s cell. Before she could register that he was really there, he’d unlocked it and was holding her tight. Despite everything that had happened, the moment he touched her she felt safe again, and loved, and that everything would somehow be all right. She pressed her cheek against his, and closed her eyes.
Then Gonou lurched forward with a terrible choking gasp. Suddenly she was bearing his entire weight. She sank down to the floor, holding on to him, and her lap was flooded with hot liquid. Confused, she thought, I must be having a miscarriage, thank God. Then she saw Chin Yisou standing over them, smiling and licking the blade of his bloody sword.
She spread her hands out over Gonou in a useless protective gesture.
Chin Yisou laughed. “That was a splendid bit of unexpected entertainment, wouldn’t you agree? But you needn’t defend his corpse. The dead are of no interest to me.”
Kanan put her hands down. She felt for the pulse-point under Gonou’s jaw. There was nothing under her fingers but slack, still flesh, and he felt far heavier in her arms than he ever had before.
Chin Yisou took her chin in his hand and tilted her face up. “My, my, there’s more life in your eyes now than there was when I first saw you. Tell me, what special tricks did your brother-“
In a single movement, she yanked the knife from Gonou’s belt and swept it up to slash Chin Yisou’s throat.
Kanan dragged Gonou’s body outside. She saw no living person in the castle, nor any in the courtyard. But she didn’t like to think of him lying forever in ground tainted by the centipede tribe, so she took a shovel from the barn and went as far as she could into the woods before she buried him.
Between the two of them, they seemed to have taken out every youkai there, maybe a thousand for Gonou, and one for her. It didn’t seem like enough.
No, not every youkai; there was still the one growing in her belly, the spawn of Hyakugan Maoh.
She had heard that women who couldn’t afford an apothecary sometimes attempted to abort themselves with a sharpened stick.
There were plenty of sticks in the forest.
The bleeding didn’t stop. Kanan had also heard that those women often bled to death. Good, she thought. She stretched out over Gonou’s grave, and let the pain take her away.
Someone was prodding her. “…hear me?”
I am supposed to be dead, she thought fretfully. Why are people still bothering me?
She opened her eyes. At first all she saw was scarlet. Then, as her vision slowly focused, she saw a man standing over her, with hair the color of blood, and blood-red markings on his cheek.
The earrings in his pointed ears jingled softly as he knelt down beside her. He was looking at her with the strangest expression on his handsome face: shock, partly, but also concern. He felt sorry for her, she realized. In fact, he seemed to have stopped to see if he could save her.
Too late, Mr. Compassionate Youkai. She laughed aloud.
“Yaone, come quick!” he shouted. “She’s still alive!”
Five
Gonou saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and instinctively stepped back. Kanan’s hand closed on empty space.
“No!” cried Kanan. “Give me the knife!”
He stared at her in dumb horror, unable to even ask why.
“The spawn of that beast is growing in my belly,” she said. “I will not give birth to that monster’s child.”
Gonou’s thoughts felt slow and muddy. The sound of rain was still ringing in his ears.
“You don’t have to,” he said at last. “I’ll take you to a doctor. There’s herbs that can kill it.”
Kanan shook her head. “Even so… I’ve been raped… and tortured… I’m damaged and, and dirty… I can’t go with you, Gonou, I just want to die.”
Gonou found the keys on the floor and unlocked the door. He stepped inside, keeping one hand on his knife. “Kanan… Kanan, please… I don’t care what he did to you, except that it hurt you. I love you, no matter what.”
She stood there shaking her head, and he could think of nothing to say that would change her mind.
The cell was getting darker. He tried to say her name, but his lips and tongue had gone numb. Then something hit him hard on the hip and shoulder. He was lying on something cold. His eyes were closed. Why were his eyes closed? He forced them open. Kanan was crouching over him.
The knife! He clutched at his belt.
“Forget the knife,” she said testily, sounding almost like herself again. “Where are you hurt?”
Silly question. “Everywhere.”
She tugged at his arm. He held on tighter.
“I’m not going to… Oh, all right.” She went around to the other side, and put his other arm around her shoulders. “Come on, get up. You can lean on me.”
She dragged him to his feet. He could barely stand, but though she was small she was strong, and she could bear his weight.
“Come on,” she said again. “We’ll go to the doctor together.”
“Oi, Hakkai. Are you still brooding about that thing Yaone said?”
Hakkai opened his eyes. Gojyo was leaning over from the back seat, with his blood-red hair trailing over Hakkai’s shoulder.
“Shush, Gojyo. You’ll wake the others.”
Gojyo snorted, but softly. Gesturing at Sanzo in the passenger seat, he said, “Anyone who sleeps that quietly is either out cold or already eavesdropping. And the monkey won’t wake up unless I rattle the peanut tin.”
“Ah, you could be right about that. In that case, I won’t have a midnight snack tonight.”
“You know, Hakkai, I’d heard about Hyakugan Maoh before you took him out. He didn’t just kidnap one woman at a time. So just because Kougaiji rescued Yaone from a guy who was going to take her to Hyakugan Maoh, that doesn’t mean Kanan was kidnapped instead of Yaone. He would have taken Kanan regardless.”
“Yes, that possibility did occur to me.”
“Then go to sleep, OK? I can feel you obsessing all the way from the back seat: this could have happened, that could have happened, if only, if only, if only. It’s keeping me awake, and if I get any more sleep-deprived, you know what will happen?” Gojyo made an obscene gesture, then slowly let his finger wilt.
Hakkai smiled. “Oh, my. Well, we certainly can’t have that.”
“’Night, then.”
“Good night.”
Gojyo shoved some stray limbs of Goku’s out of the way, then settled back down. Sanzo hadn’t moved, and his breathing was too soft to hear. Soon the only sounds were crickets, the wind in the leaves, the steady rhythm of Gojyo’s breathing, and the occasional mumble from Goku of “pancakes,” “extra-crispy,” and, once, “bright like the sun.”
Once Hakkai’s heart had only been big enough for himself and one other. But with blade and club and butt of gun, three more had managed to break inside, and wedge themselves into the cracks they’d made.
This was the life he had now, and if it was full of undeserved compensations, well, he was too greedy and selfish to give them up. But he had at least grown enough to mourn not only for his own loss, but for what Kanan herself had suffered and for the life she’d never had. If he’d died instead, he’d have wanted her to find her own compensations. Alike as they were, he had to believe that she’d have wanted the same for him.
Once he had been sure that they would meet again, but that was when he’d meant his death to quickly follow hers. But she must have already been reborn by now, and he couldn’t trust that he would die any time soon. Nor, to be honest, did he want to.
He hoped that she would have better luck this time, or a better protector. Or no need for one.
“Be strong, Kanan,” he whispered, so soft that even Gojyo wouldn’t hear. “This time, be strong for yourself.”