Forgive me, my first love, but I'm tired-Day Two of 30 Days of Caroline-Caroline/Bonnie
Title: Forgive me, my first love, but I’m tired
Series: 30 Days of Caroline
Author: Eena
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Smith owns TVD.
Characters/Pairings: Caroline/Bonnie, Elena, Damon, Matt
Summary: There’s a reason why Caroline knows what Bonnie’s lip gloss actually tastes like . . .
~0~
Best friend is the term that they use, but it’s inadequate in so many ways (and none of those ways they care to explain).
There’s a reason that Bonnie’s number one on her speed dial, and there’s a reason that Bonnie always comes to her aid. There’s a reason for the way Bonnie’s eyes crinkle just so at the corners when she’s looking at Caroline, a reason for why Caroline understands it’s affection and not mockery.
There are even more reasons for why Caroline knows what Bonnie’s lip gloss actually tastes like, and why Bonnie is always the first to see the results of Caroline’s latest lingerie trip. These are the same reasons why Bonnie and Caroline have so many sleepovers while Elena is busy with Matt and why they hug and touch each other more than they do with their other friend. There’s a familiarity in those touches and hugs, familiarity learned underneath blankets and in between soft, breathy sighs. This familiarity is what teaches Bonnie that Caroline is particularly sensitive to teeth nipping at her navel and teaches Caroline exactly how to flex her fingers to make Bonnie come undone.
There’s a reason why they claim to love each other.
~0~
It’s not like they don’t understand who they are and where they live. Caroline, more than any other seventeen year old could claim, knew exactly what was expected of her. Bonnie has always been a little more unsure, but that comes more from her upbringing and a slightly alcoholic grandmother who at times rambles on about things that frighten her.
They are a secret, the most well-kept, and the best one either had. Caroline delights in having that extra piece of Bonnie that no one else would and Bonnie honestly feels lighter, better, when Caroline is beside her.
But the nature of their relationship is different. Bonnie isn’t hurt when Caroline burns through high school boys so quickly, because Caroline may like sex, but she loves Bonnie more and that’s where her heart always is. Caroline doesn’t feel that flash of jealousy when Bonnie smiles shyly at some cute boy or kisses him hesitantly in the school hallway because she knows what Bonnie’s kisses are really like.
Nothing, and no one, changes what happens between them. No one has ever been able to detach their hands when they walk down the hallway; no one has ever stopped their eyes from immediately seeking out the other whenever they’re in the same room. No one has ever been able to stop them from immediately going to the other whenever a problem arose.
No one, until Damon Salvatore comes to town.
~0~
There is a rift, born immediately in the wake of Caroline’s newfound relationship with Damon. On the surface, nothing is really different. They’ve done this time and time before. But Bonnie knows something is wrong, can see that the lights in Caroline’s eyes are slightly dimmed, and hears the silent words of worry that she is unable to decipher for the first time ever.
For a few weeks, nothing is the same. And the hurt is real because this has never happened before. When Caroline comes back, when Damon is suddenly gone and there’s nothing but bruises and bite marks left, the hurt is still there. Bonnie sits on Caroline’s bed and feels wounded that something is still being left unsaid. Caroline sits at her vanity and trembles at the way Bonnie stares at Damon’s ugly necklace.
They bicker, lightly, but it’s not harmless anymore. Caroline snatches the amulet away, but feels sorry for it immediately. Bonnie understands the sentiment, hears what is being said in the hugs and kisses and caresses that come right after, but it doesn’t make any of it go away.
Half is something Caroline won’t say, the other half is what she doesn’t know how to say. And Bonnie holds her after and ponders why the crow outside the window won’t leave and why that scares Caroline almost to the point of tears.
~0~
But then there are secrets, and secrets, and more secrets. There is Bonnie’s magic between them, with Caroline’s inability to believe and Bonnie’s unwillingness to make her. And that Elena seems to know everything about both her friends makes the divide that much larger.
So, there is Matt. Golden, chivalrous Matt who makes Caroline feel somewhat important again. Bonnie watches, quietly, because now she knows the whole of it, the whole of Damon, and she will die before letting anything like that happen to Caroline again. To Caroline, this feels more like abandonment than love.
But Bonnie knows it all, and she understands Elena’s actions better than she would like. Bonnie hates Damon, hates him with every little part of herself, but knows that she can’t push it because Caroline doesn’t remember. Bonnie never wants Caroline to remember, wants her to hold onto whatever happiness she can find and just move past it. Bonnie knows she might be stuck in this world, but Caroline doesn’t have to be.
And when Grams dies, Bonnie is more sure of that than she is of anything else.
~0~
There is an accident, in the midst of other vampire drama. It’s seems almost too normal to care about. But it’s Caroline, and Bonnie’s at the hospital before she even remembers getting in the car.
This is where it all falls apart. This is where it starts its way onto its final end.
This is where Bonnie says yes to Damon Salvatore, and dooms Caroline without ever realizing it.
~0~
There’s blood on the mouth that used to kiss her, smeared like so much bad lipstick. Caroline feels ashamed, feels wrong, and wants Bonnie now more than ever. She needs Bonnie now more than ever. But there is just too much death between them now.
Bonnie isn’t sure which death causes the greater rift-Carter’s, or Caroline’s. She does know that she failed in keeping this away from Caroline, failed in trying to protect this girl that she loved so much from the things stalking from the shadows. She also knows that Caroline isn’t the girl she was before, and that everything she hates about Damon Salvatore is the exact thing that Caroline could become.
She should have the strength to push past it.
She doesn’t.
~0~
Caroline changes the settings on her phone, not too long after her death. Stefan becomes number one on her speed dial, Elena number two. And it breaks her heart, but Damon is fourth-one behind Matt and one in front of Bonnie.
But she does it because survival is important, and Damon would come to her aid quicker now than Bonnie would dare.
And that is the moment when it truly and finally ends.
~0~
Series: 30 Days of Caroline
Author: Eena
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Smith owns TVD.
Characters/Pairings: Caroline/Bonnie, Elena, Damon, Matt
Summary: There’s a reason why Caroline knows what Bonnie’s lip gloss actually tastes like . . .
~0~
Best friend is the term that they use, but it’s inadequate in so many ways (and none of those ways they care to explain).
There’s a reason that Bonnie’s number one on her speed dial, and there’s a reason that Bonnie always comes to her aid. There’s a reason for the way Bonnie’s eyes crinkle just so at the corners when she’s looking at Caroline, a reason for why Caroline understands it’s affection and not mockery.
There are even more reasons for why Caroline knows what Bonnie’s lip gloss actually tastes like, and why Bonnie is always the first to see the results of Caroline’s latest lingerie trip. These are the same reasons why Bonnie and Caroline have so many sleepovers while Elena is busy with Matt and why they hug and touch each other more than they do with their other friend. There’s a familiarity in those touches and hugs, familiarity learned underneath blankets and in between soft, breathy sighs. This familiarity is what teaches Bonnie that Caroline is particularly sensitive to teeth nipping at her navel and teaches Caroline exactly how to flex her fingers to make Bonnie come undone.
There’s a reason why they claim to love each other.
~0~
It’s not like they don’t understand who they are and where they live. Caroline, more than any other seventeen year old could claim, knew exactly what was expected of her. Bonnie has always been a little more unsure, but that comes more from her upbringing and a slightly alcoholic grandmother who at times rambles on about things that frighten her.
They are a secret, the most well-kept, and the best one either had. Caroline delights in having that extra piece of Bonnie that no one else would and Bonnie honestly feels lighter, better, when Caroline is beside her.
But the nature of their relationship is different. Bonnie isn’t hurt when Caroline burns through high school boys so quickly, because Caroline may like sex, but she loves Bonnie more and that’s where her heart always is. Caroline doesn’t feel that flash of jealousy when Bonnie smiles shyly at some cute boy or kisses him hesitantly in the school hallway because she knows what Bonnie’s kisses are really like.
Nothing, and no one, changes what happens between them. No one has ever been able to detach their hands when they walk down the hallway; no one has ever stopped their eyes from immediately seeking out the other whenever they’re in the same room. No one has ever been able to stop them from immediately going to the other whenever a problem arose.
No one, until Damon Salvatore comes to town.
~0~
There is a rift, born immediately in the wake of Caroline’s newfound relationship with Damon. On the surface, nothing is really different. They’ve done this time and time before. But Bonnie knows something is wrong, can see that the lights in Caroline’s eyes are slightly dimmed, and hears the silent words of worry that she is unable to decipher for the first time ever.
For a few weeks, nothing is the same. And the hurt is real because this has never happened before. When Caroline comes back, when Damon is suddenly gone and there’s nothing but bruises and bite marks left, the hurt is still there. Bonnie sits on Caroline’s bed and feels wounded that something is still being left unsaid. Caroline sits at her vanity and trembles at the way Bonnie stares at Damon’s ugly necklace.
They bicker, lightly, but it’s not harmless anymore. Caroline snatches the amulet away, but feels sorry for it immediately. Bonnie understands the sentiment, hears what is being said in the hugs and kisses and caresses that come right after, but it doesn’t make any of it go away.
Half is something Caroline won’t say, the other half is what she doesn’t know how to say. And Bonnie holds her after and ponders why the crow outside the window won’t leave and why that scares Caroline almost to the point of tears.
~0~
But then there are secrets, and secrets, and more secrets. There is Bonnie’s magic between them, with Caroline’s inability to believe and Bonnie’s unwillingness to make her. And that Elena seems to know everything about both her friends makes the divide that much larger.
So, there is Matt. Golden, chivalrous Matt who makes Caroline feel somewhat important again. Bonnie watches, quietly, because now she knows the whole of it, the whole of Damon, and she will die before letting anything like that happen to Caroline again. To Caroline, this feels more like abandonment than love.
But Bonnie knows it all, and she understands Elena’s actions better than she would like. Bonnie hates Damon, hates him with every little part of herself, but knows that she can’t push it because Caroline doesn’t remember. Bonnie never wants Caroline to remember, wants her to hold onto whatever happiness she can find and just move past it. Bonnie knows she might be stuck in this world, but Caroline doesn’t have to be.
And when Grams dies, Bonnie is more sure of that than she is of anything else.
~0~
There is an accident, in the midst of other vampire drama. It’s seems almost too normal to care about. But it’s Caroline, and Bonnie’s at the hospital before she even remembers getting in the car.
This is where it all falls apart. This is where it starts its way onto its final end.
This is where Bonnie says yes to Damon Salvatore, and dooms Caroline without ever realizing it.
~0~
There’s blood on the mouth that used to kiss her, smeared like so much bad lipstick. Caroline feels ashamed, feels wrong, and wants Bonnie now more than ever. She needs Bonnie now more than ever. But there is just too much death between them now.
Bonnie isn’t sure which death causes the greater rift-Carter’s, or Caroline’s. She does know that she failed in keeping this away from Caroline, failed in trying to protect this girl that she loved so much from the things stalking from the shadows. She also knows that Caroline isn’t the girl she was before, and that everything she hates about Damon Salvatore is the exact thing that Caroline could become.
She should have the strength to push past it.
She doesn’t.
~0~
Caroline changes the settings on her phone, not too long after her death. Stefan becomes number one on her speed dial, Elena number two. And it breaks her heart, but Damon is fourth-one behind Matt and one in front of Bonnie.
But she does it because survival is important, and Damon would come to her aid quicker now than Bonnie would dare.
And that is the moment when it truly and finally ends.
~0~