Little Fingers
Title: Little Fingers
Pairing: Onew/Jessica; Taemin
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: K+
# of words: 3375
Summary: Jessica doesn’t know how they do it. Doesn’t know how anybody does it so easily to wake up, eat breakfast and go on throughout the day like it’s a piece of cake.
Notes: I wrote this just because I can. It kind of sucks. I hate it.
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Jessica doesn’t know how they do it. Doesn’t know how anybody does it so easily to wake up, eat breakfast and go on throughout the day like it’s a piece of cake. For all she knows, it’s always been hard for her to do those things, to smile and sing and not feel a thing. She feels like a marionette tied on strings, controlled by a higher power, making decisions for her, telling her to do this and that. She’s a grown up for Christ’s sake and it doesn’t seem to amount to anything. Nothing.
One should be happy for all the fame, money and love she’s getting but it doesn’t matter at all because she’s not happy. No, not uncontented, just sad. It was tiring to stand in front of people, being praised and be highly respected and not feel a thing. Jessica wonders when things will ever change.
Jessica doesn’t concern herself when new people come in and out in the industry. It doesn’t faze her when this boy band enters and they’re extremely talented, handsome and unique from the bunch. So when it was announced she would have a duet with the band’s leader, she cared much little for she had done duets before. Small wonder, even for her. When the time came for recording the song, Jessica is still unfazed, seating on the couch outside the booth, waiting for the boy to appear. When he does, he is greeting, bowing and smiling to everyone, and lastly to her.
“Hello.” He cheerfully greets, shy and quiet. She nods in acknowledgement. They spend singing over a few hours in recording and when they finish, the staff invites the two out for a celebration dinner. A “no thank you” is ready to escape on her lips but someone pulls her arm and she’s been dragged away all too quickly.
It’s not like Jessica minds, she doesn’t, but she isn’t any mood to be around company as usual but hey-no one can deny free food. While they wait for samyupsal, she occupies herself with her phone, messaging, replying to a couple of people. A nudge interrupts her and she turns to glare at the person, t find her duet partner looking anxious and lost. Should she even mind to say anything?
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to disturb you. They were trying to make me drink.” He states, nibbling on his lower lip. “Please go back to your business.” He urges. Instead of doing what he suggested (and what she would normally do even if he didn’t suggest it) she puts her
phone at the table and look at him.
“You don’t drink?”
Onew shakes his head. “N-no.”
“Why?”
“What?”
She is irritated by his dimness. Was he really 2nd in his entire school, it doesn’t seem like so? How she knows of this isn’t important because it isn’t really relevant but if you must know, she heard it from Jonghyun telling him off Yesung. She snaps. “Why don’t you drink?”
“Do I need a reason to?” He replies, furrowing his brows. Does he need a reason to? Of course not, why would he explain himself to her anyway? She’s not like she’s important and they aren’t close, so Jessica shrugs, backs away and returns on fiddling with her phone. Why did she ask him in the first place anyway? Out of boredom maybe or curiosity? Ugh.
After a few minutes of silence and Jessica has lost all her interest, Jinki answers with a sigh. “It’s because I’m a bad drinker and I would usually squirm things out of my mouth. Embarrassing things.” He eyes her as he says the last words. She raises her brows. A while ago she found herself uninterested and now she is again. It’s weird. She’s not usually like that.
“Oh, okay.” She replies in courtesy. It’s quiet and terribly awkward. Jessica isn’t rejecting awkwardness nor is she welcoming it so she seats this one out until he breaks the silence.
“How about you?”
Her? What about her? “I’m bad with people.” She knows that too well how she never gets along with others properly. It’s her. She’s the problem. And she knows. She always does.
“Do you tend to hit people when you’re drunk?” Onew asks, a little too afraid.
“What?” Now she’s the confused one. She gapes, and slowly, she understands what he meant to say. He isn’t asking about the things
she’s bad at but at her drinking habits. She feels silly and embarrassed. “None at all.” She whispers when their food arrives.
Jessica finds herself drawn to the boy seating across her with his sunshine smile and jokes that aren’t really funny but manages to make people laugh. Drinks come in and everyone suggests for her to drink, even her manager, so she does, swallowing the cup in one shot and is surprised to see Onew grinning at her like a puppy. He smells of alcohol.
“Hi.” He takes a deep sniff at her and giggles. “You smell good.” She glares at him curiously. “Your eyes are pretty.”
“Umm, okay?” Jessica stares at her cup. The booze is making her dizzy but she’s not completely drunk. Onew scoots closer to her and she glances up to her manager, who’s busy flirting with her stylist and then to Onew’s manager, already passed out in the corner. No one seems to be minding them. Onew’ swaying from side to side like a little kid, staring at the fancy light up in the ceiling. “You know… you’re nice.”
He’s drunk but maybe he can entertain her for a while so she places her chin onto her palm and her attention is on him. “What makes you say that?”
His ears redden at her sudden shift of attention and he immediately covers his it from embarrassment. She thinks it’s cute.
“People think I’m a slut. How does that sound to your ears? I’m generally one of the most hated people amongst the idols. You’re probably one of them too.” She says, a sad smile playing on her lips.
“Me? No-no-no! I like you Jessica-ssi. You’re beautiful and you have this amazing and angelic voice. It’s an honor to be with you, your majesty.”
Jessica chuckles. Yeah, he’s drunk alright. “But you don’t know me Onew. Don’t know what you’re saying.”
“But I do! I do! I do! I always watch you so-so I would know. I know~” He sing songs. “You’re really the best for me.” He grins and Jessica can’t help but melt inside. He’s said so many kind words to her and it’s her first time hearing that from someone who doesn’t really know her. And the fact that his last statement meant two things feels nice. He’s drunk, her inner mind says. Says so himself. Don’t trust him hun. You know what happened the last time. Ah yes, the last time had taught her well enough to not deal with this stuff but it doesn’t stop her heart from fluttering every time Onew had this sunny smile on his lips and her own tilting on the side.
Jessica doesn’t remember how they got there. It’s all haze and fancy lights before Onew and her ended up in the beach, sitting and waiting for the sun to show up. She’s sleepy and her head is killing her but the sand between her toes and an oversized jacket draped over her shoulders make everything better. Not to mention the boy, reeking of alcohol, rambling about noises coming from Minho’s and Taemin’s room when they’re alone. It’s weird and Jessica wonders what he means. He’s drunk, or at least she thinks he is. She can’t tell.
“I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you!” Onew giggles like a five year-old and it makes her snicker. He’s like a puppy. “I mean, you’re like- like the ice princess! And I’m-I am-”
“Drunk. That’s what you are!” She supplies him the word and they both laugh until tears start forming and stomachs hurt. Jessica glances over him. His caramel hair is messy and some are sticking out, eyes swollen and in need of sleep, cheeks red from beer and his smile-it’s beautiful. She doesn’t even to see the sun rise because it’s right in front of her in human form. Onew turns his head, catches her and smiles. She finds herself smiling despite her mind and body and every particle of her protesting and she bites her lip when he leans closer until there’s no proximity at all and then-
He’ll fool you. You’ll get hurt.
She pulls out. Her stomach churns.
“What’s wrong?” Onew murmurs, frowning.
“Nothing. Let’s go back. Our managers would kill us.” She says, not looking at him only standing up, dusting sand off her pants along with
the night and whatever happened today. For a while, Onew doesn’t say anything and it scares her somehow.
“I don’t get it Jess. I don’t understand anything about you.” He finally says but he’s staring at the sand, like it’s going to reply. “You act like a total bitch around everyone but then last night and a few hours ago you were kind and warm until now… Who is the real you?”
Jessica snorts, holding the laughter and anger down her throat. She’s being judged again, isn’t she? She shouldn’t have expected, shouldn’t have thought he was different because he’s not. He’s the same like everyone else. And what is he talking about anyway? Warm and kind? Her? The real Jessica is the ice princess, who doesn’t smile, doesn’t melt, isn’t positive. He’s talking nonsense. “It’s the alcohol Onew. It’s getting on to you. Come on, I’ll take you back.” She helps him to his feet but doesn’t move and he’s heavy.
“It’s not anything! It’s you! You’re confusing me! I just want to know who you really are.”
“Who I really am? I’m Jung Jessica, SNSD’s Ice Princess! I’m rude and cold and a bitch like everyone says! Surely you’ve heard?” She tries to laugh it off but it still hurts her. “What’s so hard to understand about that?”
“No you’re not!” You’re not like what they say! You smile and laugh. You care for your members and you care what people say about you!”
Onew’s up now, peering at her with those soft brown eyes, scanning her face. “What’re you so afraid of?”
They go home together despite the tension lingering around them. Jessica sits at the far right corner while Onew on the opposite end. He says something when she gets off but she doesn’t say anything back, doesn’t hear anything else but her aching heart.
What is she so afraid of he asks? Is there anything? She doesn’t know. Maybe. She won’t admit it. It will only make her look like a weakling and a fragile girl. If she… if she opens up, if she tries to show Onew her heart, he’ll just break it. He’ll break her into millions of pieces and leave her picking and putting it back all on her own. She doesn’t want to go back to those nights, those dark and lonely nights she had spent a long time ago. No more tears need to be shed for someone else. She would rather stay at one corner, trusting only herself.
Days, weeks and months pass so quickly that it almost surprises Jessica to see the snow falling from SNSD’s tainted window. Has it really been that long since she last talked to that boy with the sun as a smile? It’s not her character to be bothered by someone like him but she is, really is. Maybe’s and what if’s enter her mind but it doesn’t really do anything to solve her problems with him so she doesn’t do anything.
It’s for you own good, her inner says. But is it really? Will protecting herself and not letting anyone know her stop the truth and hurt that had happened from the past?
What pains Jessica more though, is that Onew doesn’t seem to be less bothered by her presence? He sees her, greets her, talks to her but he never smiles. Never gives her his precious angel smile the way he presents to others. Perhaps he’s still upset about the incident from before but is it really worth the upset? Isn’t he being childish by thinking over it too much? And why does he want to know her anyway?
She has never pondered about it before. What is so special about her? Nothing. She’s plain and dull. So why, Onew, why?
“What?” Taeyeon asks, brows rose at her questioningly as if she has said something absurd.
“What?”
“You said, “why, Onew, why?” What’s that about?”
Jessica bites her lip. “I did? That’s nothing.”
Taeyeon squints her eyes suspecting and with a sigh she says, “You’re weird. I can’t understand you.” Jessica huffs and smiles a little.
Yeah, neither can her.
Months passed like that to a year, dazed, and Jessica thinks it’s ironic that their song was actually happening in real life and happening to them. The only difference is that in the song, the couple was in love and as for them… well there wasn’t much to start with anyway. So she just watches Onew from afar like before and do his stuff. Sometimes she catches him looking at her but it was always seldom and brief and she never makes any big deal about it. She doesn’t really want to think that there is something.
On days like these, (dazed and wonder when the rain will stop, if it ever stops) Jessica curses her inadequate self to adapt to a more comfortable way of living. She’s tired of having to protect her heart to everyone approaching and she just wished that she can be laid back like before. But she knows her old self won’t come back anymore, she barely even remembers the old Jessica so what’s the point, right?
“What’s the point of what?” A voice comes from behind and Jessica jumps a little, recognizing the voice. Ah yes, that voice. Dark but sweet and smooth to her ears. She turns around to see Onew smiling slyly, and cautiously sitting on the opposite side of the bench she was at. He looks outside.
“Nothing. Why are you here?” She retorts exasperatedly, becoming tense. Something has changed about him and it’s not the new styled darker hair or his tight neon pants (she needs to talk to those coordi’s, they are trying to sabotage everyone with that look), it’s him and that tired eyes or maybe the way his face lost weight or the way he never really smiles.
“Am I not allowed to be here? This is the company’s building after all.” He doesn’t look at her or anything. His voice is exhausted and saddening.
Jessica says nothing. It’s annoying how he always has something to say to her and she has nothing. She doesn’t like being ‘dominated’. Irritated, she focuses outside, where blurry images of people under all kinds of colored umbrella, sprouts like mushroom. She thinks they all look moving Jell-Os. Maybe ignoring him the best idea to avoid having so many awkward situations with him. Like right now for example. Just when she’s about to bid him a goodbye, Onew speaks in a hushed voice.
“I’m sorry about last time. You know, at the beach. It wasn’t my place to say that. It’s not like I was under the influence of alcohol or anything. I wasn’t. My mind was straight. I knew what I wanted to say, I just-“ Jessica listens to him and even throws a glance in his direction (eyes closed, head leaned against the wall, face furrowed in a knot, much like he’s in pain). “I’m sorry Jessica.”
What should she say? Probably like an apology too, that it wasn’t his fault but sorry is such a foreign word to her now. So what should she say? “It’s not like it’s your fault anyway. I know that you were just trying to be nice Onew.”
Onew furrows her brows as if she had just said something wrong. He seems really offended. “But I wasn’t being nice!”
The blonde smiles at him a little. Lightning strikes. “But it was the truth, you know. I was scared and afraid.” She leans her head on the window’s glass. It’s cold to the touch. She’s not sure why or how and she wants to stop but the words are out before she can even stop.
“You were right in a lot of ways Onew and I just didn’t want to admit it. I guess I just… feared you were like everybody.”
“And everybody is…?”
Jessica sighs. “Stupid. And dumb. They always want to hurt you because people they think its fun to hurt people. I don’t have a definite reason to be honest…”
“Not everyone is trying to get you out there you know.” Onew says calmly, opting to stare outside the window too.
Jinki hardly heard the faintest, “I know” before she patted his leg and stood up. She faces him with the slightest determination spreading on her beautiful face and stretches her hand to him. Jinki, startled to see a change by Jessica’s action, stares at her face blankly, to her outstretched hand and then to her face again. He smiles; she’s really not the type to this kind of stuff but now she’s willing to make a
change.
“Are you willing to trust me?” Jinki inquires, grabbing her hand gently. She doesn’t let go when he’s already up from his seat and gives him a long look-a measured one-before the corner of her lips quivered upwards.
“Only if you don’t trip every time we’re together.” Jessica squeezes his hand and intertwines his fingers with hers and she realizes how much little her fingers are compared to his.
F I L L E R
Jessica is at a small café with a cup of iced coffee in hand and watches how the world operates around her. She is waiting for someone and she wishes that someone would just arrive already because she hates waiting and being alone. Before, she didn’t mind being different or standing out or getting her heart trampled because she was so, oh used to it. Her world was composed of black and white, and in between she was gray. There was no color or life in her existence. There was no one more important than herself.
But now…
Now, it is different. Jessica has taken a huge leap in changing something so big inside of herm it took her by surprise too. She was scared at first but all those fears disappeared when she first saw his smile, had held his hand, tasted his sweet lips and experienced love.
It’s not much, he says one day while he took her hand and laced it with his, I’m not as handsome as Siwon hyung or as leading as Yunho hyung and I’m not a great singer like Jonghyun but I think I’m enough to make you happy. To understand you. Love you enough.
Jessica just laughed at him, squeezed his hand and sighed. I know Jinki. You are enough. Now go get me my sandwich!
And he understood what she tried to tell him. That yes-he is enough and she loves him too and hopefully she is enough for him too.
And now, there are more colors in her life than Jessica can even remember. Different hues of red, blue, yellow and green. There are still black and white and gray and it never goes away but she can cope up with them if Jinki is beside her.
“Jessica!” Someone calls her name and she smiles widely (she does a lot of that now) because she knows who it is from. “Sorry I’m late-again!”
“
I just arrived too.” Jinki gives her a chaste kiss.
“Where do you want to go?”
Jessica thinks selflessly for a minute, looking back where they started. Somehow, her past did not seem like it’s as bad as she thought it was. She smiles at him and she catches the glint of bliss in Jinki’s eyes. “Anywhere is fine.”
As long as I’m with you.
Pairing: Onew/Jessica; Taemin
Genre: Drama/Romance
Rating: K+
# of words: 3375
Summary: Jessica doesn’t know how they do it. Doesn’t know how anybody does it so easily to wake up, eat breakfast and go on throughout the day like it’s a piece of cake.
Notes: I wrote this just because I can. It kind of sucks. I hate it.
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Jessica doesn’t know how they do it. Doesn’t know how anybody does it so easily to wake up, eat breakfast and go on throughout the day like it’s a piece of cake. For all she knows, it’s always been hard for her to do those things, to smile and sing and not feel a thing. She feels like a marionette tied on strings, controlled by a higher power, making decisions for her, telling her to do this and that. She’s a grown up for Christ’s sake and it doesn’t seem to amount to anything. Nothing.
One should be happy for all the fame, money and love she’s getting but it doesn’t matter at all because she’s not happy. No, not uncontented, just sad. It was tiring to stand in front of people, being praised and be highly respected and not feel a thing. Jessica wonders when things will ever change.
Jessica doesn’t concern herself when new people come in and out in the industry. It doesn’t faze her when this boy band enters and they’re extremely talented, handsome and unique from the bunch. So when it was announced she would have a duet with the band’s leader, she cared much little for she had done duets before. Small wonder, even for her. When the time came for recording the song, Jessica is still unfazed, seating on the couch outside the booth, waiting for the boy to appear. When he does, he is greeting, bowing and smiling to everyone, and lastly to her.
“Hello.” He cheerfully greets, shy and quiet. She nods in acknowledgement. They spend singing over a few hours in recording and when they finish, the staff invites the two out for a celebration dinner. A “no thank you” is ready to escape on her lips but someone pulls her arm and she’s been dragged away all too quickly.
It’s not like Jessica minds, she doesn’t, but she isn’t any mood to be around company as usual but hey-no one can deny free food. While they wait for samyupsal, she occupies herself with her phone, messaging, replying to a couple of people. A nudge interrupts her and she turns to glare at the person, t find her duet partner looking anxious and lost. Should she even mind to say anything?
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to disturb you. They were trying to make me drink.” He states, nibbling on his lower lip. “Please go back to your business.” He urges. Instead of doing what he suggested (and what she would normally do even if he didn’t suggest it) she puts her
phone at the table and look at him.
“You don’t drink?”
Onew shakes his head. “N-no.”
“Why?”
“What?”
She is irritated by his dimness. Was he really 2nd in his entire school, it doesn’t seem like so? How she knows of this isn’t important because it isn’t really relevant but if you must know, she heard it from Jonghyun telling him off Yesung. She snaps. “Why don’t you drink?”
“Do I need a reason to?” He replies, furrowing his brows. Does he need a reason to? Of course not, why would he explain himself to her anyway? She’s not like she’s important and they aren’t close, so Jessica shrugs, backs away and returns on fiddling with her phone. Why did she ask him in the first place anyway? Out of boredom maybe or curiosity? Ugh.
After a few minutes of silence and Jessica has lost all her interest, Jinki answers with a sigh. “It’s because I’m a bad drinker and I would usually squirm things out of my mouth. Embarrassing things.” He eyes her as he says the last words. She raises her brows. A while ago she found herself uninterested and now she is again. It’s weird. She’s not usually like that.
“Oh, okay.” She replies in courtesy. It’s quiet and terribly awkward. Jessica isn’t rejecting awkwardness nor is she welcoming it so she seats this one out until he breaks the silence.
“How about you?”
Her? What about her? “I’m bad with people.” She knows that too well how she never gets along with others properly. It’s her. She’s the problem. And she knows. She always does.
“Do you tend to hit people when you’re drunk?” Onew asks, a little too afraid.
“What?” Now she’s the confused one. She gapes, and slowly, she understands what he meant to say. He isn’t asking about the things
she’s bad at but at her drinking habits. She feels silly and embarrassed. “None at all.” She whispers when their food arrives.
Jessica finds herself drawn to the boy seating across her with his sunshine smile and jokes that aren’t really funny but manages to make people laugh. Drinks come in and everyone suggests for her to drink, even her manager, so she does, swallowing the cup in one shot and is surprised to see Onew grinning at her like a puppy. He smells of alcohol.
“Hi.” He takes a deep sniff at her and giggles. “You smell good.” She glares at him curiously. “Your eyes are pretty.”
“Umm, okay?” Jessica stares at her cup. The booze is making her dizzy but she’s not completely drunk. Onew scoots closer to her and she glances up to her manager, who’s busy flirting with her stylist and then to Onew’s manager, already passed out in the corner. No one seems to be minding them. Onew’ swaying from side to side like a little kid, staring at the fancy light up in the ceiling. “You know… you’re nice.”
He’s drunk but maybe he can entertain her for a while so she places her chin onto her palm and her attention is on him. “What makes you say that?”
His ears redden at her sudden shift of attention and he immediately covers his it from embarrassment. She thinks it’s cute.
“People think I’m a slut. How does that sound to your ears? I’m generally one of the most hated people amongst the idols. You’re probably one of them too.” She says, a sad smile playing on her lips.
“Me? No-no-no! I like you Jessica-ssi. You’re beautiful and you have this amazing and angelic voice. It’s an honor to be with you, your majesty.”
Jessica chuckles. Yeah, he’s drunk alright. “But you don’t know me Onew. Don’t know what you’re saying.”
“But I do! I do! I do! I always watch you so-so I would know. I know~” He sing songs. “You’re really the best for me.” He grins and Jessica can’t help but melt inside. He’s said so many kind words to her and it’s her first time hearing that from someone who doesn’t really know her. And the fact that his last statement meant two things feels nice. He’s drunk, her inner mind says. Says so himself. Don’t trust him hun. You know what happened the last time. Ah yes, the last time had taught her well enough to not deal with this stuff but it doesn’t stop her heart from fluttering every time Onew had this sunny smile on his lips and her own tilting on the side.
Jessica doesn’t remember how they got there. It’s all haze and fancy lights before Onew and her ended up in the beach, sitting and waiting for the sun to show up. She’s sleepy and her head is killing her but the sand between her toes and an oversized jacket draped over her shoulders make everything better. Not to mention the boy, reeking of alcohol, rambling about noises coming from Minho’s and Taemin’s room when they’re alone. It’s weird and Jessica wonders what he means. He’s drunk, or at least she thinks he is. She can’t tell.
“I can’t believe I’m sitting here with you!” Onew giggles like a five year-old and it makes her snicker. He’s like a puppy. “I mean, you’re like- like the ice princess! And I’m-I am-”
“Drunk. That’s what you are!” She supplies him the word and they both laugh until tears start forming and stomachs hurt. Jessica glances over him. His caramel hair is messy and some are sticking out, eyes swollen and in need of sleep, cheeks red from beer and his smile-it’s beautiful. She doesn’t even to see the sun rise because it’s right in front of her in human form. Onew turns his head, catches her and smiles. She finds herself smiling despite her mind and body and every particle of her protesting and she bites her lip when he leans closer until there’s no proximity at all and then-
He’ll fool you. You’ll get hurt.
She pulls out. Her stomach churns.
“What’s wrong?” Onew murmurs, frowning.
“Nothing. Let’s go back. Our managers would kill us.” She says, not looking at him only standing up, dusting sand off her pants along with
the night and whatever happened today. For a while, Onew doesn’t say anything and it scares her somehow.
“I don’t get it Jess. I don’t understand anything about you.” He finally says but he’s staring at the sand, like it’s going to reply. “You act like a total bitch around everyone but then last night and a few hours ago you were kind and warm until now… Who is the real you?”
Jessica snorts, holding the laughter and anger down her throat. She’s being judged again, isn’t she? She shouldn’t have expected, shouldn’t have thought he was different because he’s not. He’s the same like everyone else. And what is he talking about anyway? Warm and kind? Her? The real Jessica is the ice princess, who doesn’t smile, doesn’t melt, isn’t positive. He’s talking nonsense. “It’s the alcohol Onew. It’s getting on to you. Come on, I’ll take you back.” She helps him to his feet but doesn’t move and he’s heavy.
“It’s not anything! It’s you! You’re confusing me! I just want to know who you really are.”
“Who I really am? I’m Jung Jessica, SNSD’s Ice Princess! I’m rude and cold and a bitch like everyone says! Surely you’ve heard?” She tries to laugh it off but it still hurts her. “What’s so hard to understand about that?”
“No you’re not!” You’re not like what they say! You smile and laugh. You care for your members and you care what people say about you!”
Onew’s up now, peering at her with those soft brown eyes, scanning her face. “What’re you so afraid of?”
They go home together despite the tension lingering around them. Jessica sits at the far right corner while Onew on the opposite end. He says something when she gets off but she doesn’t say anything back, doesn’t hear anything else but her aching heart.
What is she so afraid of he asks? Is there anything? She doesn’t know. Maybe. She won’t admit it. It will only make her look like a weakling and a fragile girl. If she… if she opens up, if she tries to show Onew her heart, he’ll just break it. He’ll break her into millions of pieces and leave her picking and putting it back all on her own. She doesn’t want to go back to those nights, those dark and lonely nights she had spent a long time ago. No more tears need to be shed for someone else. She would rather stay at one corner, trusting only herself.
Days, weeks and months pass so quickly that it almost surprises Jessica to see the snow falling from SNSD’s tainted window. Has it really been that long since she last talked to that boy with the sun as a smile? It’s not her character to be bothered by someone like him but she is, really is. Maybe’s and what if’s enter her mind but it doesn’t really do anything to solve her problems with him so she doesn’t do anything.
It’s for you own good, her inner says. But is it really? Will protecting herself and not letting anyone know her stop the truth and hurt that had happened from the past?
What pains Jessica more though, is that Onew doesn’t seem to be less bothered by her presence? He sees her, greets her, talks to her but he never smiles. Never gives her his precious angel smile the way he presents to others. Perhaps he’s still upset about the incident from before but is it really worth the upset? Isn’t he being childish by thinking over it too much? And why does he want to know her anyway?
She has never pondered about it before. What is so special about her? Nothing. She’s plain and dull. So why, Onew, why?
“What?” Taeyeon asks, brows rose at her questioningly as if she has said something absurd.
“What?”
“You said, “why, Onew, why?” What’s that about?”
Jessica bites her lip. “I did? That’s nothing.”
Taeyeon squints her eyes suspecting and with a sigh she says, “You’re weird. I can’t understand you.” Jessica huffs and smiles a little.
Yeah, neither can her.
Months passed like that to a year, dazed, and Jessica thinks it’s ironic that their song was actually happening in real life and happening to them. The only difference is that in the song, the couple was in love and as for them… well there wasn’t much to start with anyway. So she just watches Onew from afar like before and do his stuff. Sometimes she catches him looking at her but it was always seldom and brief and she never makes any big deal about it. She doesn’t really want to think that there is something.
On days like these, (dazed and wonder when the rain will stop, if it ever stops) Jessica curses her inadequate self to adapt to a more comfortable way of living. She’s tired of having to protect her heart to everyone approaching and she just wished that she can be laid back like before. But she knows her old self won’t come back anymore, she barely even remembers the old Jessica so what’s the point, right?
“What’s the point of what?” A voice comes from behind and Jessica jumps a little, recognizing the voice. Ah yes, that voice. Dark but sweet and smooth to her ears. She turns around to see Onew smiling slyly, and cautiously sitting on the opposite side of the bench she was at. He looks outside.
“Nothing. Why are you here?” She retorts exasperatedly, becoming tense. Something has changed about him and it’s not the new styled darker hair or his tight neon pants (she needs to talk to those coordi’s, they are trying to sabotage everyone with that look), it’s him and that tired eyes or maybe the way his face lost weight or the way he never really smiles.
“Am I not allowed to be here? This is the company’s building after all.” He doesn’t look at her or anything. His voice is exhausted and saddening.
Jessica says nothing. It’s annoying how he always has something to say to her and she has nothing. She doesn’t like being ‘dominated’. Irritated, she focuses outside, where blurry images of people under all kinds of colored umbrella, sprouts like mushroom. She thinks they all look moving Jell-Os. Maybe ignoring him the best idea to avoid having so many awkward situations with him. Like right now for example. Just when she’s about to bid him a goodbye, Onew speaks in a hushed voice.
“I’m sorry about last time. You know, at the beach. It wasn’t my place to say that. It’s not like I was under the influence of alcohol or anything. I wasn’t. My mind was straight. I knew what I wanted to say, I just-“ Jessica listens to him and even throws a glance in his direction (eyes closed, head leaned against the wall, face furrowed in a knot, much like he’s in pain). “I’m sorry Jessica.”
What should she say? Probably like an apology too, that it wasn’t his fault but sorry is such a foreign word to her now. So what should she say? “It’s not like it’s your fault anyway. I know that you were just trying to be nice Onew.”
Onew furrows her brows as if she had just said something wrong. He seems really offended. “But I wasn’t being nice!”
The blonde smiles at him a little. Lightning strikes. “But it was the truth, you know. I was scared and afraid.” She leans her head on the window’s glass. It’s cold to the touch. She’s not sure why or how and she wants to stop but the words are out before she can even stop.
“You were right in a lot of ways Onew and I just didn’t want to admit it. I guess I just… feared you were like everybody.”
“And everybody is…?”
Jessica sighs. “Stupid. And dumb. They always want to hurt you because people they think its fun to hurt people. I don’t have a definite reason to be honest…”
“Not everyone is trying to get you out there you know.” Onew says calmly, opting to stare outside the window too.
Jinki hardly heard the faintest, “I know” before she patted his leg and stood up. She faces him with the slightest determination spreading on her beautiful face and stretches her hand to him. Jinki, startled to see a change by Jessica’s action, stares at her face blankly, to her outstretched hand and then to her face again. He smiles; she’s really not the type to this kind of stuff but now she’s willing to make a
change.
“Are you willing to trust me?” Jinki inquires, grabbing her hand gently. She doesn’t let go when he’s already up from his seat and gives him a long look-a measured one-before the corner of her lips quivered upwards.
“Only if you don’t trip every time we’re together.” Jessica squeezes his hand and intertwines his fingers with hers and she realizes how much little her fingers are compared to his.
F I L L E R
Jessica is at a small café with a cup of iced coffee in hand and watches how the world operates around her. She is waiting for someone and she wishes that someone would just arrive already because she hates waiting and being alone. Before, she didn’t mind being different or standing out or getting her heart trampled because she was so, oh used to it. Her world was composed of black and white, and in between she was gray. There was no color or life in her existence. There was no one more important than herself.
But now…
Now, it is different. Jessica has taken a huge leap in changing something so big inside of herm it took her by surprise too. She was scared at first but all those fears disappeared when she first saw his smile, had held his hand, tasted his sweet lips and experienced love.
It’s not much, he says one day while he took her hand and laced it with his, I’m not as handsome as Siwon hyung or as leading as Yunho hyung and I’m not a great singer like Jonghyun but I think I’m enough to make you happy. To understand you. Love you enough.
Jessica just laughed at him, squeezed his hand and sighed. I know Jinki. You are enough. Now go get me my sandwich!
And he understood what she tried to tell him. That yes-he is enough and she loves him too and hopefully she is enough for him too.
And now, there are more colors in her life than Jessica can even remember. Different hues of red, blue, yellow and green. There are still black and white and gray and it never goes away but she can cope up with them if Jinki is beside her.
“Jessica!” Someone calls her name and she smiles widely (she does a lot of that now) because she knows who it is from. “Sorry I’m late-again!”
“
I just arrived too.” Jinki gives her a chaste kiss.
“Where do you want to go?”
Jessica thinks selflessly for a minute, looking back where they started. Somehow, her past did not seem like it’s as bad as she thought it was. She smiles at him and she catches the glint of bliss in Jinki’s eyes. “Anywhere is fine.”
As long as I’m with you.