OH MY GOD! I'M POSTING!
so.. in my long standing tradition of never ever posting...
unless I have a whopper of a post, in which case I post some 3 page long rant or some such....
without further fanfare...
so yes.. I dont take the best care of my body.
when we are on welfare (reciving 1,000 dollars a month if we are lucky)....
paying 550 in rent (leaving 450)
150 for phone, basic cable (for the wife), and internet (for both of us), leaving us 300 so far
now we have to set aside smoke money for the wife.. since she refuses to quit... comes out to about 50 a month after she has been kind enough to give people smokes. so we are down to 250
then she spends about 40 a weekend, just to go visiting and socializing. comes out to about 120 a month on average, leaving us 130.
now to grocieries.... she doesnt let me buy stuff I can make. the reason, she doesnt call it food. you know.. the microwaveable... or the stuff slapped together quickly... the easy, no hassle, 30 second kinda meals. SO we only get complicated thigns to make for food, which means only she can do the cooking (well about 75% of the time at least)
BUT... since she is the one who has to do the majority of the cooking.. and often doesnt want to... before we even go shopping for groceries.. she will.. "assess" her willingness to cook. if she doesnt feel like it, she'll order out. infact, she usualy orders out for about a week before she is willing to go with me to get groceries and do any cooking. by this time, we have usualy exhausted the last of our cash for the month. joy.
oh wait.. reprieve! baby bonus checks from the government... 200 someodd dollars. of course, because we've both been so hungry (despite food my mother brings us to bail us out), she doesnt feel like going grocery shopping.. and refusing to make a list for me to take, she decides to order out.... another 200 wasted before she feel like shopping.
any extra money we get, is spent by her, on her... maybe some on the baby.. and I get a lil cash if I can manage it... if I'm lucky.
why dont I bitch?
I have tried. I learned very early in the relationship if I do ANY pushing, she gets angry, threatens to leave, goes out and fucks someone else just to hurt me, and pushes back in several other areas. so I stoped pushing. I got fed up and depressed.
yeah.. taking care of yourself while in the middle of a 3 month long depression.. not easy. especialy when the wife is taking all the money, there is no food in the house.... you have a baby to take care of before yourself...
and your wife has led you to beleive for 2 years that you need to "rescue her" and "save her" from her every little mental health issue, of which there seem to be many, and all dangerous to her health.
So baby comes in first, wife second, and me, in third. Of course, with no food (since mom is now providing baby needs, and not food), it means I get nothing from the nothing we have.
so yeah.. taking care of myself isnt easy.
so when I get sick, it should be no supprise.
well it was to her.
had a nightmare of a sickness... that entire 100+ F fever, fatigue, etc.
The fever is causiung dehydration... and those are both causing a never ending migrane.
Result.. I'm stuck in bed for the durration of this illness.
Got to back track a little here....
She refuses to go to bed before 4am.... and refuses to wake up before 10am, sometimes not untill noon.
soooo... I need to stay awake untill then.. and then spend the day asleep.
except.. with a baby awake all day.. and a wife who watches the tv at medium volume... in a 10 foot by 10 foot apartment, where the only place they can sit (and where the baby can play) is the bed itself... I dont exactly get much sleep. I think I am lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep.
and with this illness, I should get bed rest... I should sleep lots. nope not gonna happen because she wont let it... and because our situation wont let it.
so in the end.. I am sick with this illness for 3 weeks. rather nasty since it has left me debilitated... unable to think, to function, to do anything except act like a mindless drone. and I mean mindless.
though about half way through, she demands I do the dishes... which she has accumulated since I think I eat one meal a day if I am lucky... a bowl of porridge.
How can I do the dishes if whenever I sit up, I get so dizy I fall over, and when I stand up its even worse?
She wont accept my illness as a valid reason for not doing the dishes. her exact words.
so the end of the illness... 3 weeks.. I get fed up of the migranes and go to the hospital via ambulance since I cant even sit up without getting dizzy. (gonna cost me 45 bucks that I dont have)
they cant do much... they set me up with a neurologist in one of the worlds leading hospitals for my migranes (a constant and recurring problem), but otherwise cant do anything. doesnt matter... I'm already feeling better oddly.
go home... havent slept of course sicne I went to the hospital in the morning... about when I would have been going to bed. so I go to bed now.. and sleep for the afternoon.
7pm... mom has the baby and is bringing him home in 30 min.. .wife wakes up... she likes her naps on top of her 10 hours of sleep a day... and demands I do the dishes that have been there for 2 weeks.
problem... my migrane is back. joy o joy.
she doesnt think having migrane strength pain in your brain, sensativity to light and sound, naseua, and vertigo is a valid reason for not doing the dishes this time. again, her words were "thats not a valid excuse" when I listed those symptoms to her.
so shes mad.. and does the dishes herself while I try and sleep.. after all... I've only had 5 hours of sleep.
but shes got the bright lights on.. and is banging things, and slamming things, and really expressing her bad mood.
I cant sleep so I get up, stumble to teh bathroom and take some painkillers.
as I come out, I see her putting a bowl away. it had been used for popcorn with melted butter over a week previous. and it hadnt been washed. nasty.
I expressed that I wanted the bowl washed since she was washing the dishes. exact words "you may like dirty dishes, but I would like that washed please" ..... yeah can you just feel my stress getting ready to explode? I could.
but she snaps first.
hysterical laughter... as loud as she can... right in my face... pointing at me...
the most insulting and rude and degrading laugh I had ever heard.
well this camel can only carry so much straw
I slaped her
well I tried to
I missed.. hit the side of her head with my wrist instead
cue the mental health guilt trip.. she collapses to the floor, crying
guilt trip sucessful, I'm there holding her, comforting her, appologizing and begging forgiveness.
shes single minded now, must finish the dishes.....
so things progress with me in a guilt ridden mood, her playing up this entire mental health thing... up untill the next morning.
having gone to bed at 10am as usual after feeding hte baby at 9.... she is actualy rather supportive and caring. very unusual for her
shes quiet all day.. and though the baby IS a baby, she found new ways to play with him so I could sleep. good too since I had a migrane.
she takes the baby out, and goes grocery shopping. by herself. she buys me grocieries too.
and after she gets back, puts the groceries away, and sits down... a short time later.. a knock.
the cops
I get arrested
her rapist is still an active part of her life... never having been charged or even had the cops called on him.. and I'm the one who gets arrested.
well... got bail the next day....
told I cant see my wife, or my son.
though we are.. less than complying with the bail... my wife has contacted me, of her own will, several times since I got bail. she has arranged, legally, for me to see my son. but on the phone, when she has called me, she has claimed that she has no idea who called the cops (though they told me it was her, after calling childrens aid... which she wouldnt do since she is involved with the native equivalent to childrens aid, and not childrens aid itself)....
well.. my mom got some things for me.. including my computer.
the thing she types, and talks to people on.
with logs
I see logs of her rapist telling her how he wants to come down and beat me with a baseball bat... oh his fiance wants to do the same to me....
ok first conclusion... since she had talked to her rapist (who has hated me for a long time), literaly just before she went grocery shopping.... he must have called his fiance, and had her call the cops, pretending to be my wife....
more things are found...
she uses livejournal as a way to rant... but I asked her not to let him see the rant about the issue. I didnt want to end up fighting with him over it. she accepts, and filters her post.
but posts in her OTHER journal, a much more damning post... the other journal which he invited her to.
so yeah... my original assumption is confirmed
then I get my phone bill.... too months worth since I never saw last months bill... which was found burried by my mother when she was getting my stuff.. obviously hidden by my wife, since she is going to "treatment" for counselling in a month, and will no longer have any need of those services that are in my name, and would fuck me over if they never get paid.
despite owing 300 dollars, more than I can afford in any one month... I see some odd phone numbers called at about the time I was arrested.
turns out... my wife is the one who had me arrested... lied to me about it.....
oh.. found out also.. that this past weekend.. she not only had her rapist and his fiance over to my apartment while I had the baby.. but she got drunk with them, high with them.. and fucked both of them in MY bed.
I've found out because of all of this.. that she hasnt respected me in.. over a year.
That she never wanted to get married.. she only did it to shut me up about my baby being born as a "bastard" (something that means a lot to me personally)
this is after she refused to get an abortion... and after lieing to me about taking her birth control pills.
I....
for the first time in my life.. I honestly, and truely, want to die.
to commit suicide. no slitting wrists, or taking pills.... I mean jumping from a bridge over a hiway, into oncomming highspeed traffic.... or off a trian platform into an oncomming train.
but I wont. My son needs me to rescue him from her... she cannot be a parent. she is too hedonistic. she is too involved in her own comfort, pleasure, and desires to adequately care for a baby. my son needs me, and that is all the strength I need to live.
but its not enough to tell me what to do now.
and as I sit here... on the floor with my computer since I have nothing... living with my mother again.. whom I had finaly hoped I had escaped....
I dont know what to do
I am lost
I am scared
and I am alone.
but I am alive, and that is the only thing I know for sure right now.
nice update eh?
unless I have a whopper of a post, in which case I post some 3 page long rant or some such....
without further fanfare...
so yes.. I dont take the best care of my body.
when we are on welfare (reciving 1,000 dollars a month if we are lucky)....
paying 550 in rent (leaving 450)
150 for phone, basic cable (for the wife), and internet (for both of us), leaving us 300 so far
now we have to set aside smoke money for the wife.. since she refuses to quit... comes out to about 50 a month after she has been kind enough to give people smokes. so we are down to 250
then she spends about 40 a weekend, just to go visiting and socializing. comes out to about 120 a month on average, leaving us 130.
now to grocieries.... she doesnt let me buy stuff I can make. the reason, she doesnt call it food. you know.. the microwaveable... or the stuff slapped together quickly... the easy, no hassle, 30 second kinda meals. SO we only get complicated thigns to make for food, which means only she can do the cooking (well about 75% of the time at least)
BUT... since she is the one who has to do the majority of the cooking.. and often doesnt want to... before we even go shopping for groceries.. she will.. "assess" her willingness to cook. if she doesnt feel like it, she'll order out. infact, she usualy orders out for about a week before she is willing to go with me to get groceries and do any cooking. by this time, we have usualy exhausted the last of our cash for the month. joy.
oh wait.. reprieve! baby bonus checks from the government... 200 someodd dollars. of course, because we've both been so hungry (despite food my mother brings us to bail us out), she doesnt feel like going grocery shopping.. and refusing to make a list for me to take, she decides to order out.... another 200 wasted before she feel like shopping.
any extra money we get, is spent by her, on her... maybe some on the baby.. and I get a lil cash if I can manage it... if I'm lucky.
why dont I bitch?
I have tried. I learned very early in the relationship if I do ANY pushing, she gets angry, threatens to leave, goes out and fucks someone else just to hurt me, and pushes back in several other areas. so I stoped pushing. I got fed up and depressed.
yeah.. taking care of yourself while in the middle of a 3 month long depression.. not easy. especialy when the wife is taking all the money, there is no food in the house.... you have a baby to take care of before yourself...
and your wife has led you to beleive for 2 years that you need to "rescue her" and "save her" from her every little mental health issue, of which there seem to be many, and all dangerous to her health.
So baby comes in first, wife second, and me, in third. Of course, with no food (since mom is now providing baby needs, and not food), it means I get nothing from the nothing we have.
so yeah.. taking care of myself isnt easy.
so when I get sick, it should be no supprise.
well it was to her.
had a nightmare of a sickness... that entire 100+ F fever, fatigue, etc.
The fever is causiung dehydration... and those are both causing a never ending migrane.
Result.. I'm stuck in bed for the durration of this illness.
Got to back track a little here....
She refuses to go to bed before 4am.... and refuses to wake up before 10am, sometimes not untill noon.
soooo... I need to stay awake untill then.. and then spend the day asleep.
except.. with a baby awake all day.. and a wife who watches the tv at medium volume... in a 10 foot by 10 foot apartment, where the only place they can sit (and where the baby can play) is the bed itself... I dont exactly get much sleep. I think I am lucky if I get 5 hours of sleep.
and with this illness, I should get bed rest... I should sleep lots. nope not gonna happen because she wont let it... and because our situation wont let it.
so in the end.. I am sick with this illness for 3 weeks. rather nasty since it has left me debilitated... unable to think, to function, to do anything except act like a mindless drone. and I mean mindless.
though about half way through, she demands I do the dishes... which she has accumulated since I think I eat one meal a day if I am lucky... a bowl of porridge.
How can I do the dishes if whenever I sit up, I get so dizy I fall over, and when I stand up its even worse?
She wont accept my illness as a valid reason for not doing the dishes. her exact words.
so the end of the illness... 3 weeks.. I get fed up of the migranes and go to the hospital via ambulance since I cant even sit up without getting dizzy. (gonna cost me 45 bucks that I dont have)
they cant do much... they set me up with a neurologist in one of the worlds leading hospitals for my migranes (a constant and recurring problem), but otherwise cant do anything. doesnt matter... I'm already feeling better oddly.
go home... havent slept of course sicne I went to the hospital in the morning... about when I would have been going to bed. so I go to bed now.. and sleep for the afternoon.
7pm... mom has the baby and is bringing him home in 30 min.. .wife wakes up... she likes her naps on top of her 10 hours of sleep a day... and demands I do the dishes that have been there for 2 weeks.
problem... my migrane is back. joy o joy.
she doesnt think having migrane strength pain in your brain, sensativity to light and sound, naseua, and vertigo is a valid reason for not doing the dishes this time. again, her words were "thats not a valid excuse" when I listed those symptoms to her.
so shes mad.. and does the dishes herself while I try and sleep.. after all... I've only had 5 hours of sleep.
but shes got the bright lights on.. and is banging things, and slamming things, and really expressing her bad mood.
I cant sleep so I get up, stumble to teh bathroom and take some painkillers.
as I come out, I see her putting a bowl away. it had been used for popcorn with melted butter over a week previous. and it hadnt been washed. nasty.
I expressed that I wanted the bowl washed since she was washing the dishes. exact words "you may like dirty dishes, but I would like that washed please" ..... yeah can you just feel my stress getting ready to explode? I could.
but she snaps first.
hysterical laughter... as loud as she can... right in my face... pointing at me...
the most insulting and rude and degrading laugh I had ever heard.
well this camel can only carry so much straw
I slaped her
well I tried to
I missed.. hit the side of her head with my wrist instead
cue the mental health guilt trip.. she collapses to the floor, crying
guilt trip sucessful, I'm there holding her, comforting her, appologizing and begging forgiveness.
shes single minded now, must finish the dishes.....
so things progress with me in a guilt ridden mood, her playing up this entire mental health thing... up untill the next morning.
having gone to bed at 10am as usual after feeding hte baby at 9.... she is actualy rather supportive and caring. very unusual for her
shes quiet all day.. and though the baby IS a baby, she found new ways to play with him so I could sleep. good too since I had a migrane.
she takes the baby out, and goes grocery shopping. by herself. she buys me grocieries too.
and after she gets back, puts the groceries away, and sits down... a short time later.. a knock.
the cops
I get arrested
her rapist is still an active part of her life... never having been charged or even had the cops called on him.. and I'm the one who gets arrested.
well... got bail the next day....
told I cant see my wife, or my son.
though we are.. less than complying with the bail... my wife has contacted me, of her own will, several times since I got bail. she has arranged, legally, for me to see my son. but on the phone, when she has called me, she has claimed that she has no idea who called the cops (though they told me it was her, after calling childrens aid... which she wouldnt do since she is involved with the native equivalent to childrens aid, and not childrens aid itself)....
well.. my mom got some things for me.. including my computer.
the thing she types, and talks to people on.
with logs
I see logs of her rapist telling her how he wants to come down and beat me with a baseball bat... oh his fiance wants to do the same to me....
ok first conclusion... since she had talked to her rapist (who has hated me for a long time), literaly just before she went grocery shopping.... he must have called his fiance, and had her call the cops, pretending to be my wife....
more things are found...
she uses livejournal as a way to rant... but I asked her not to let him see the rant about the issue. I didnt want to end up fighting with him over it. she accepts, and filters her post.
but posts in her OTHER journal, a much more damning post... the other journal which he invited her to.
so yeah... my original assumption is confirmed
then I get my phone bill.... too months worth since I never saw last months bill... which was found burried by my mother when she was getting my stuff.. obviously hidden by my wife, since she is going to "treatment" for counselling in a month, and will no longer have any need of those services that are in my name, and would fuck me over if they never get paid.
despite owing 300 dollars, more than I can afford in any one month... I see some odd phone numbers called at about the time I was arrested.
turns out... my wife is the one who had me arrested... lied to me about it.....
oh.. found out also.. that this past weekend.. she not only had her rapist and his fiance over to my apartment while I had the baby.. but she got drunk with them, high with them.. and fucked both of them in MY bed.
I've found out because of all of this.. that she hasnt respected me in.. over a year.
That she never wanted to get married.. she only did it to shut me up about my baby being born as a "bastard" (something that means a lot to me personally)
this is after she refused to get an abortion... and after lieing to me about taking her birth control pills.
I....
for the first time in my life.. I honestly, and truely, want to die.
to commit suicide. no slitting wrists, or taking pills.... I mean jumping from a bridge over a hiway, into oncomming highspeed traffic.... or off a trian platform into an oncomming train.
but I wont. My son needs me to rescue him from her... she cannot be a parent. she is too hedonistic. she is too involved in her own comfort, pleasure, and desires to adequately care for a baby. my son needs me, and that is all the strength I need to live.
but its not enough to tell me what to do now.
and as I sit here... on the floor with my computer since I have nothing... living with my mother again.. whom I had finaly hoped I had escaped....
I dont know what to do
I am lost
I am scared
and I am alone.
but I am alive, and that is the only thing I know for sure right now.
nice update eh?