The Not So Live Blog...Part Deux
10:03: Em’s shoes are FUGLY. And why doesn’t she get to eat with Hank and DG? And let’s not even go into the whole “Az rewired us but we still remember everything that happened pre-travel storm” thing. Why in the hell didn’t I stash any Vicodin to make this go easier?!
10:04: Mmm, chili cheese fries. Yeah, still hungry.
10:05: Concerned!Look. Not to be confused with the blank look or the thinky thought look. Wow, Zooey really does have range, doesn’t she?
10:06: Ma Kettle had Pa Kettle’s name officially banished from the lands. Because “Ahamo” is so much better. Anybody else thinking he lost a bet or something? Maybe Ma beat him at Hold ‘Em?
10:11: And for those of us who prefer brunets and not blonds, we have Mooning!Glitch. And I think the grand hall in the Northern Palace looks ridiculously like the Column Room at Parc Gaudi in Barcelona.
10:12: How the fuck did Cain get out of the lake? Should I be this concerned with these plot holes of mass destruction? Is it too early for a cocktail? Maybe that would make this make sense.
10:13: The stuff Raynz calls “dinner for three” looks suspiciously like K’s favorite food in the world, bean with bacon burgers. Which I refuse to eat on account of it looks GROSS.
10:14: Aw, the My Little Pony saved Cain’s life! Maybe the Care Bears will do his taxes come April.
10:16: The boy scout syndrome! HA!
10:18: Uhoh, we short-circuited Lylo. I wonder if he’s covered by warranty.
10:20: Kath Robertson is freaking AWESOME. For serious. Playing manipulative and heartless at the same time? Love it.
10:22: GIBBS SIGHTING!
10:24: “She’s listening?” No, DG, the Mystic Man just said that for shits and giggles. You really are something else, there, Princess Converse.
10:25: DG’s lip gloss is still in pretty damn good shape for being tossed into a storm, trussed up by lawn gnomes, chased by madmen on horseback, chased by Papays, chucked off a cliff, trapped by the boobie monster…
10:26: “The complete destruction of the O.Z.” Okay, time for a vote: which plan is worse? Ma Kettle’s or The Sorceress’s? Watch out for the anvils, guys!
10:28: You know, Cain’s fedora is grey, not brown. I totally messed up on that, like majorly. But in my defense, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles. And I don’t even like boys all that much.
10:30: Okay, when Glitch and Cain are sneaking up on the Longcoats, I shit you not, this is the conversation that happens while they‘re looking in the box:
Longcoat One: Fiery, aren’t they?
Longcoat Two: Never seen ‘em that large.
Um…disturbing, party of one!
10:31: I very much enjoy the Longcoats running by with someone shouting, “Left, right, left, right, left!” and one of the guys is doing it SO OPPOSITE. Epic fail.
10:33: Dude, there’s a crew member visible behind Richard Dreyfuss right before Az Insta!Facials herself again. I’m now completely convinced this entire production happened while everybody was sauced. (Seriously, have you seen the stick fights on the ‘behind the scenes’ section of the DVD?) It makes sense, though, storyline wise. “Hey…[hiccup]…what if there was, like, this [hiccup] evil witch and she had boobies and bald henchmen and shit?”
10:34: You know, I just thought of how awesome it would have been to have Az say, “I had his liver with a nice Chianti” after she soul sucked somebody. New poll: do I need help?
10:35: EAMES SIGHTING!!!!
10:38: You know, the more I watch this, the dumber I realize DG is. Because at the Ice Palace, she did a little dance, made a little love, swung her hand to get in…and then waits until after the MM is dead to try and get herself out of Az’s prison cell. Genius.
10:39: My cats are watching the mouse part, like, DUUUUUUDE…IT’S SO HUGE ON THE TEEBEE, MOMMY!
10:40: Baxter (aka Toto) is way cute. And my cat Spencer weighs about ten pounds more than he does.
10:41: Isn’t it so lovely when there’s a handy dandy hiding spot and a bust-a-zipper weapon right there when you need it? And, also, (other than the obvious necessity for the “Hey there, Princess” and the leaping!hug) why couldn’t Raw and DG just let the “Longcoats” pass by? Why’d they have to jump out and go all ninja on their butts? Am I thinking too much again? Yes.
I would also like to note that this is the part where I realized Van Sickle and Long Mitchell were DG/Cain shippers. Because there’s absolutely no reason for her to hug Cain and not Glitch other than the UST factor.
10:42: “Well, we can’t go out the way we came in.” Thanks, Captain Obvious! So helpful!
10:42:30: Oh, Zooey, sweetheart, what did I tell you about the running?
10:43: “I think he wants us to go in there.” You think, Sherlock?! Damn, you really are your mother’s kid, aren’t you, Deeg? And wow with the smart Longcoats being able to NOT FIND THEM IN THE OPEN MACHINERY.
10:44: What is it with the freaking muttonchops on these poor actors? Is there some kind of fake facial hair store in Vancouver I don’t know about?
10:49: Oh, we have sympathetic!face as DG tells Cain the Mystic Man bit it. I think we’re up to a whole five different expressions, kids! You know what that means, right? EMMY GOLD.
10:51: Hey, I just found some Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the fridge! Do you think if I mainlined these, this series might make sense?
10:51:30: Where in the HELL DID THEY GET A PICTURE OF RAW FOR THE WANTED POSTER?! GAH.
10:51:45: Favorite exchange in this part:
Glitch: That is a terrible picture of me.
Cain and Raw: Mmm.
Also, Tutor gets wicked massive points for saying “WHAM!”
10:52: How’d Tutor get DG’s doll? Time for another drink.
10:53: Thinky thought/remembering face! Which looks suspiciously like a pouty face.
10:55: Maddie the cat has joined me and wants to know why Zero wants to kill Vy-Sor for Cain being alive. It’s not the homie’s fault you’re a crap shot, jackass. Was Vy-Sor even at the Ice Palace? Oy.
10:57: RAW HAS A STICK AS THEY WALK THROUGH THE PAPAY FIELDS. LOVE IT SO HARD. Also, they used that same grove of trees in an episode of “The X-Files.” Season Five, I believe.
10:58: And now we have helpful, helpful commentary with the “RUN!” Actually, guys, I think it would work better if you just hugged this out.
11:03: Surprised!Face. Have we had that one before? Damn it, now I’ve lost count.
11:05: Again with the no blankey rule. Az must be hella cold. I jump every time she looks in the mirror and the Witch’s face pops up.
11:06: “You look like you were having a nightmare. A bad one.” Because there’s such a thing as a good nightmare? Also, DG sleeps on Cain’s coat. Love it. Which begs the question--whose coat is cooler, Cain’s or Doctor Who’s? I know Who’s Converse PWN DG’s, but I think it might be a little closer in the coat debate. Also, random knowledge alert: Christopher Eccleston (Nine) was in Elizabeth as a bastard whose head ended up on a stick at the end (and he freaked me out!) aaaand he was in Gone in Sixty Seconds with floppy hair. I found him on the movie channel while flipping between commercials of Mike & Mike this morning. /random
ETA: kseda brought up a very important point that Glitch's coat is pretty fucking awesome, too. So I think, in order of awesomeness, it might just go Glitch, Who, Cain. Yeah. I'm thinkin'.
11:07: “DG know which lake.” Well, even if she didn’t, wouldn’t Tutor? Or did he not finish his veggie-tales and not get to go on the field trip with the fam? I’m thinking the thinky thoughts again. It’s starting to wear me out.
11:07:30: Apparently Zooey used all her spiffy diffy acting lessons earlier in the day, because here she has to do the head tilt to make sure we know she’s contemplating.
11:08: HA! THE FLOWER IS CALLED BULGAR NOVI. (Or, translated, RANDOM SHIT THAT HAS BUGGED ME FOR CLOSE TO A YEAR.)
11:10: No chickens were harmed in the making of Az’s current outfit.
11:11: Finaqua is located right near Dasani. True facts. Look it up. I’ll be here later.
11:12: You know, I owe a lot to the people on the Boat That Floats, because I didn’t understand the reference to “Clever how you tricked that tree into throwing fruit at us.” When they showed The Wizard of Oz and that scene showed up, I went, “OH! NOW I GET IT!” And K was very, very scared.
11:14: And now we come to the Most Genius Plan of Them All: the Resistance Fighters. The blue smoke, the red scarves…SUBTLE AS A TWO-BY-FOUR TO THE HEAD! I think they just beat out Sydney Bristow for the Worst. Spy. EVER Award. Also, what’s with the big secret code speech? Couldn’t there just be like, a handshake or something?
11:16: I still maintain that zit on Zooey’s upper lip deserves billing. I’m not saying it to be mean, I’m just pointing it out for the rest of the class.
11:17: Dude, Mr. Alchemist and Co., pleather is so last season.
11:22: I love that Alan Cumming slipped and said privacy as “priv-a-cee” (the British way.) Reminds me of my grandfather.
11:23: For all the spooky ambience with the candlelight and shit, I feel like Ralph and Lorraine should pull out the Ouija board.
11:23:30: Thank you, tinman_meta, for making me into an Ambrose/Ma Kettle shipper. Seriously.
11:24: Chin wibble alert!
11:27: I can’t watch this part and not think of the Missing Moments series by guin_ramble. Love those stories like it’s going out of style.
11:28: Vulnerable!DG and Awkward!Cain. What a pair.
11:29: Somebody give that girl a tissue. Seriously. Not pretty, kids. Ew.
11:30: HORSIE! (Helpful comments are helpful.)
11:33: I want to go down that zip line. Looks like way too much fun. And I wonder if the actors actually got to do it, or if they called stunt people in. I’m sure McDonough wanted to, ‘cause he’s all badass like that.
11:34: Every time “Adora’s Grave” comes on my iTunes, I am ashamed to say I tear up a little bit. It’s just so heartbreaking. But it means I’m deep or something, right? Right? Guys?
11:35: McDonough almost totally bit it before kneeling in front of the grave. But he’s pretty and from Dorchester, so we won’t hold it against him.
11:37: And here comes Effie’s Big Rant Regarding Part Two. After Adora’s grave, they’re all by the little stream, and Raw comes up to Cain and says, “Your son Jeb still lives. I feel it.” Okay, if that were true, wouldn’t it also make sense that he could have sensed Adora wasn’t living? So, like, couldn’t he have given Cain a heads up?
11:42: Effie’s Second Big Rant Regarding Part Two: okay, so when Our Dear Heroes were in the Papay Fields, Cain tries to shoot Steve and company. He has no ammo. But now, in Finaqua, when Xora comes easin’ on down the road, he shoots and kills her. So…um….yeah. I got nothing. Unless maybe they scavenged Jeb and Adora’s old place and found some there…?
11:44: DG just woke Maddie up with her “Come on!” as she runs through the maze. He is not amused.
11:46: Now we have inquisitive!face. Dude, if we keep this up, we might just need to start counting on our toes. Impressive.
11:50: They used the Minnesota Twins logo on the cave drawings! Now, where’s my Boston B, huh, boys?!
11:52: That’ll teach you to go sticking your hands in places they should never, ever go, DG. *nods* (And that turned out a lot dirtier than I intended it to.)
11:54: Baby mobats! Buy one, get one.
11:56: Effie’s Third and Fourth Big Rants Regarding Part Three: Why the hell didn’t Ma and Pa Kettle tell the girls to stay the fuck out of the cave? I know they told them to stay out of the woods (but mostly for the nanimals being there, not the Witch), but, seriously. The girls are in desperate need of a permanent AMBER Alert, and you don’t make sure they know “Hey, EVIL WITCH ALERT!”? Also (and this, admittedly, is a little more nitpicky than the other plot holes of EPIC PROPORTIONS), did DG ever tell her Mom, “Dude, there was this girl and she turned into an evil old lady and then she possessed Az.” ‘Cause all we see her say is, “Az…she fell, and I let go.”
11:57: Alexia Fast kicked butt with the switch from pre- and post-possession Az. Just that little strut and the half smile…you go, girl!
11:59: I find it disturbing how much Katy Perry and Zooey Deschanel look alike. And now I must go make myself lunch, because I need sustenance to get through Part Three.