The Fox's Cradle Chapter 6
Ohkai I'm not gonna leave you guys hanging there anymore so... HERE IT IS. The last chapter. Before you read it, are you mentally prepared? Do you need to go turn off the stove and take out/in the laundry? It's not that long but it's... daebak :)
It started from the dreams. Somehow I could feel that the nerves in my brain were thinning and tightening, and I begun to have frequent bouts of fever too. Its almost like, if I pressed down on them, they won't even bounce back. I'm the weakest that I've been, ever. And bringing the child back home just took my health for another round of beating. I'm only strong because he's here for me. And with my ageing looks, I grew even more miserable despite his reassurances. My heart has caught a cold, and it's been down for a long time. But I refuse to go to the hospital, because stepping into that place would confirm the fact that I was ill.
Living with an insomniac must have taken a toll on his sleep as well. Seeing how I couldn't even stomach a proper meal, he tried to persuade me to go to the hospital. Hearing his words just made me curl up in fright like a hedgehog, hiding under my blanket with my hands over my ears as I gritted my teeth. No. Not that place.
"What do you want... Jaejoong ah, be good."
"I want to sleep... Give me sleeping pills, anything, Yunho ah..."
"No, I won't"
I tried begging him a few times but he firmly refused. He probably knows my weak stomach probably can't take any more pills, especially not when I haven't eaten anything in days. He knows me better than I know myself, so he won't give in so easily. I'd grown so tired, even of breathing, that I eventually fell asleep. He held me close to him so that I could sleep for a little while more, giving me the world that I'd thought of as my own.
I hate having to close my eyes. It makes me afraid, that maybe I'll never find a way out of that sea of fire. The thing that's torturing me isn't her mother, and not her either. It's as if something dark had found its way into my heart, writhing within me and killing me slowly.
People call this 'guilt', an emotional debt. Perhaps my conscience has finally tired of not caring about whether things were right or wrong, and now it's starting to reflect upon my actions. I'm in pain, and this pain makes what I felt when Yunho didn't come for me in the hospital seem like nothing. I wanted to return to that Kim Jaejoong, the person who could kill someone and still hope for a happy ending. But it's too late. Ever since I first stepped into this house with Yunho... My guilt has been haunting me, pushing me into the endless pits of hell.
I slept for a long time. When I woke up, I found an intravenous drip sticking out of my wrist. Since I refused to go near a hospital, he'd asked to hospital to send a doctor here instead. The moment he saw that I was awake, Yunho immediately gave the doctor a call, asking him to rush back to our house to check on me.
"Please.... Take this... Out..."
He couldn't comprehend my disjointed, slurry speech, and continued to inject all sorts of medicines into me. I could feel my heart writhing in turmoil. If it were not for Yunho's arms, I would have had a really violent reaction, because after a while I was retching and vomiting stomach acid. Both Yunho and the doctor were stunned by my reaction, and the doctor quickly tried to explain that it was because I was allergic to some of the medicine used. No, you're wrong.... I don't want anything... If it's not Yunho.
I didn't even have enough strength to sit, but I still wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to do it with him all night, while sipping wine and taking that occasional puff from the cigarette between his fingers. Somehow I had the feeling that if I didn't do it now, I would never ever have a chance to do it with him again. I desperately stretched out my hands to Yunho, my fingers trembling in the air. Ah.... I really do look like a patient...
He walked towards me but he didn't pull me into his arms because at that moment, the child walked in. I wonder what she was thinking then, when she caught the scent of our decades-old disease? Her expression seemed complicated as she stared at me.
"A-hyun ah, didn't I tell you not to come here? Get out, quickly..."
"...Is he sick?"
"Yes, very. So don't come in here."
He quickly turned to pick her up so I couldn't see her, patting her shoulders as he asked her to leave the room. He was trying hard to continue playing the role of a kindly father, and he looked so pitiful from behind. Just looking at him made me want to cry my heart out for him, but even crying was difficult for me. Because of the acid reflux, my stomach felt as if it had split apart. I held my stomach and couldn't stop myself from throwing up again.
The sight and sound of me retching was caught by him and the child. A-hyun stared at me in shock as her father tried to usher her out of the door. She grabbed her father's thumb and pretended to look sad for me.
"I won't call you umma..."
"Hurgh... Ungh...."
"So please don't be sick anymore..."
Again, all that came out were gastric juices. Just how much more am I going to throw up?
Even my throat hurts. It's as if I was trying to eject everything from inside me, draining me of my energy. I could feel the doctor's hands as he felt for my pulse, and I closed my eyes. A-hyun's look of pity surfaced in my mind. I won't call you umma... I won't call you umma anymore...
Suh-hee ah, if you were just a little more cruel, or if you didn't give birth to this vicious child, then perhaps I wouldn't be in such pain, and maybe I wouldn't be so sad.
By the time I could calm my thoughts, a whole afternoon had passed. I was living as if I was in a dream; closing my eyes for what felt like 10 minutes translated to 10 hours in reality.
Time still ticks on even if my thoughts were in slow motion.
A day has passed, and I felt him kneel beside me in all his perfection. He's probably begging me to wake up, choking back his tears at the same time. I slowly turned to look at him, and saw his tears fall onto my pillow. My Yunho... He's suffering like I am. The most beautiful person in the world, my Jung Yunho...
He held me tight in his arms. Where has that fiery passion gone to? I used to be able to feel his heart beating energetically everyday, but where has that gone, too? Jung Yunho is dead. We are one being, so if I'm suffering, he's suffering as well. In this irritating paradox, we gradually stopped shivering.
I didn't even have the strength to move my arms, but of course he took that into consideration as he adjusted me into a comfortable position, murmuring 'I love you' in his beautifully low voice as he climbed on top of me and pulled off all my obstructive clothes. It's like a final glimmer of hope; he's not doing this to ascertain our ability to make love, but to find a last bit of hope through my reaction.
His movements were slow but they created a huge reaction within me, from my abdomen all the way to my fingertips. His cock quickly brought me to a climax with its gentle destructive power, and at the same time I felt an unusual wave of pleasure and pain.
"Jaejoong ah..."
He swallowed hard, trying to calm himself. I heard his voice and slowly opened my eyes to look at him. He's staring in disbelief at where we were connected, so I traced his line of sight. It's almost like sticking a knife into an infected wound that's oozing pus.
"Oh..."
Blood. Blood was oozing out along with his semen, but I didn't feel the pain. Did my dying body love sex so much that even such agony could be ignored? I thought of how I had excreted blood not too long ago.
But I was no longer afraid, just a bit troubled by how our blanket cannot be used now. I wanted to reassure the visibly shocked Yunho, who was trembling and staring at my lower body, and I let out an involuntary sigh.
"I'm better off dead than having to live like this... Right... Yunho...?"
I finally understood what it felt like to be a cripple, lying there and not being able to move a single muscle. It probably feels like this. The blankets were soaked in blood but it just kept flowing. Yunho tried to use towels to stop it but it didn't work. But don't worry, don't be frightened by this, Yunho ah, it will stop soon. So don't be sad. I entrusted my ice-cold body to him as I closed my eyes and gave in to the terrible drowsiness that overcame me.
His breath, his voice, his heart beat. They called out to me from my dreams.
Jaejoong ah, Jaejoong ah... Even if I'm gone, I'll still be able to hear my name on your lips.
"How can you die alone like this..."
"....."
"Wait for me, Jaejoong ah... Wait for me..."
He didn't forget our wedding, and our vows. Whenever I had the time I would finger our wedding ring and swear to myself that we'll always be together. Why are you so distraught, my cute little Yunho ah...
"Don't go... Sob... You can't leave me behind... And move on by yourself...."
".... I won't die, Yunho ah..."
My wretched and lonely little life is like a parasite. Even if I died, I'll still live on in your heart... So I'll never die, Yunho ah.
It was a mystical night. Everything around me was silent and pitch dark. I walked towards the bathroom, breathing in the fresh, clean air of dawn and feeling the cold floor beneath my feet. The strangest thing was that it didn't feel tiring at all. Maybe it's because, moments ago, I was lying in his arms? My heart felt calm and steady.
I filled the bath tub with water - cold, because he hates the heat. Turning the tap on full might wake him up, so I adjusted the tap until the rush of water was almost silent, a light sound echoing in the bathroom that you had to strain your ears to hear.
I stood at the counter, hands drenched in water as I bent over to wash my face. After a thorough cleansing, I stared at my reflection. A pair of dazed eyes stared back at me as I took in the reflection of my 32 year-old self. I look a bit gaunt, but still very beautiful. At least at the very end, I wouldn't look too bad. This thought made me a lot happier.
I smiled, not knowing exactly what it is that soothes me so. Maybe it's because my heart's empty? Holding your heart still as water - I finally understood what that means and scolded myself a little for not realizing sooner. It's too late for regrets. I had no more energy left to torment others, because I finally know the price of being a sinner. That's why, committing suicide is the perfect way out for me, so I hope he wouldn't be too saddened by this.
The water quickly reached the brim. Before it started overflowing, I opened the cabinet and took out a shaving blade. And then, I closed the tap and took a towel with me as I stepped into the bath tub.
I placed the towel over my arms as I sat down into the tub. The cold water rushed over me, stinging me like a thousand little pin pricks. I clenched my jaws as my teeth chattered involuntarily, and I tried to hum my favourite tunes as I fought against the cold. My wrists were wet.
In my next life, I'll create a world where there's only the two of us. We'll live together in my paradise, never having to worry or be sad, bathing in the golden light of our youth.
I placed the blade over my protruding vein and ran it slowly across my skin. It slid smoothly into my flesh, drawing blood instantly. I was so cold that it didn't feel painful at all, and I even started tearing from the cold.
I laid back into the tub as I watched my blood well out of the cut, staining the water. Ba-dump, ba-dump, the echoes of that lovely rhythm gradually weakened and faded. My fingertips felt icier than the water. Joint by joint... the cold consumed me. I shivered violently as I adjusted my clothes and closed my eyes.
"....Yunho ah..."
My voice echoed, desolate, in the empty bathroom. I let myself be bathed in the crimson water, feeling my body warm up finally. My breathing became erratic, and my lungs felt dry.
Is Yunho still sleeping? Is he sleeping like a little child, with those long eyelashes framing his lovely eyes? Is he as warm as I am right now? Does he feel cold without a blanket?
Bam! I heard a dull thud. Why am I still holding onto this little bit of consciousness...?
"Jaejoong ah!!!! Kim Jaejoong!!!"
One last time. Just once. Is it because I wanted the last thing I see to be you? Is it because I wanted to reaffirm your love for me, even as I lay dying? My Yunho, my beloved Yunho ah...
"Jaejoong ah, open your eyes... Jaejoong ah, wake up!!! How can I live without you!!? Jaejoong ah... Jaejoong ah..."
Yunho, you still love me. You're holding my icy body in the water that's bathed with my own blood, and yet you still love me. I'm glad. Because you can't live without me.
"Jaejoong ah!! Sob...sob.. Open your eyes, please!!"
Heavy. My eyelids feel so heavy. If only I could see your face again, but I can't open my eyes. Yunho ah. Maybe if you warm my body up with yours, I'll be able to see you?
When I next open my eyes... I pray that you'll be standing before me... Yunho ah, Yunho... My love... I'm leaving... And I don't feel cold at all. Do I look pale...? My lips, do my crimson lips look as good as they did...?
I tried to twitch my lips into a smile. Only now do I realize that, perhaps, it's selfish of me to leave him behind and move on like this. I tried thrashing my body around so I would linger on for a bit more, but I just can't open my eyes. I wonder how does the world look like right now? I could only hear his cries and sobs. My body has already gone stiff. I hope you can understand my selfish, ugly heart, and remember our dazzlingly beautiful romance, and our final promise that we couldn't fulfill.
And then, all my emotions left my body.
I'll live on in his heart, breathing with every beat. Even if I'm dead, it doesn't mean that everything in me has died. Because I am you, and you are me.
He was sobbing uncontrollably over my cold body. Under those calls of love and hiccups, like a white lie, I opened my eyes.
The first thing I saw was a blinding light. I saw his lips that had once asked me to love him, and confessed his love for me. Even in death, he's still calling out to me so sweetly. And behind him...
She stood there, her lips quivering and her eyes wide. I saw my reflection in her eyes. She's hesitant, unsure of what to call me.
It's alright, A-hyun ah.
A-hyun ah, A-hyun...
Call me umma just this once....
It started from the dreams. Somehow I could feel that the nerves in my brain were thinning and tightening, and I begun to have frequent bouts of fever too. Its almost like, if I pressed down on them, they won't even bounce back. I'm the weakest that I've been, ever. And bringing the child back home just took my health for another round of beating. I'm only strong because he's here for me. And with my ageing looks, I grew even more miserable despite his reassurances. My heart has caught a cold, and it's been down for a long time. But I refuse to go to the hospital, because stepping into that place would confirm the fact that I was ill.
Living with an insomniac must have taken a toll on his sleep as well. Seeing how I couldn't even stomach a proper meal, he tried to persuade me to go to the hospital. Hearing his words just made me curl up in fright like a hedgehog, hiding under my blanket with my hands over my ears as I gritted my teeth. No. Not that place.
"What do you want... Jaejoong ah, be good."
"I want to sleep... Give me sleeping pills, anything, Yunho ah..."
"No, I won't"
I tried begging him a few times but he firmly refused. He probably knows my weak stomach probably can't take any more pills, especially not when I haven't eaten anything in days. He knows me better than I know myself, so he won't give in so easily. I'd grown so tired, even of breathing, that I eventually fell asleep. He held me close to him so that I could sleep for a little while more, giving me the world that I'd thought of as my own.
I hate having to close my eyes. It makes me afraid, that maybe I'll never find a way out of that sea of fire. The thing that's torturing me isn't her mother, and not her either. It's as if something dark had found its way into my heart, writhing within me and killing me slowly.
People call this 'guilt', an emotional debt. Perhaps my conscience has finally tired of not caring about whether things were right or wrong, and now it's starting to reflect upon my actions. I'm in pain, and this pain makes what I felt when Yunho didn't come for me in the hospital seem like nothing. I wanted to return to that Kim Jaejoong, the person who could kill someone and still hope for a happy ending. But it's too late. Ever since I first stepped into this house with Yunho... My guilt has been haunting me, pushing me into the endless pits of hell.
I slept for a long time. When I woke up, I found an intravenous drip sticking out of my wrist. Since I refused to go near a hospital, he'd asked to hospital to send a doctor here instead. The moment he saw that I was awake, Yunho immediately gave the doctor a call, asking him to rush back to our house to check on me.
"Please.... Take this... Out..."
He couldn't comprehend my disjointed, slurry speech, and continued to inject all sorts of medicines into me. I could feel my heart writhing in turmoil. If it were not for Yunho's arms, I would have had a really violent reaction, because after a while I was retching and vomiting stomach acid. Both Yunho and the doctor were stunned by my reaction, and the doctor quickly tried to explain that it was because I was allergic to some of the medicine used. No, you're wrong.... I don't want anything... If it's not Yunho.
I didn't even have enough strength to sit, but I still wanted to have sex with him. I wanted to do it with him all night, while sipping wine and taking that occasional puff from the cigarette between his fingers. Somehow I had the feeling that if I didn't do it now, I would never ever have a chance to do it with him again. I desperately stretched out my hands to Yunho, my fingers trembling in the air. Ah.... I really do look like a patient...
He walked towards me but he didn't pull me into his arms because at that moment, the child walked in. I wonder what she was thinking then, when she caught the scent of our decades-old disease? Her expression seemed complicated as she stared at me.
"A-hyun ah, didn't I tell you not to come here? Get out, quickly..."
"...Is he sick?"
"Yes, very. So don't come in here."
He quickly turned to pick her up so I couldn't see her, patting her shoulders as he asked her to leave the room. He was trying hard to continue playing the role of a kindly father, and he looked so pitiful from behind. Just looking at him made me want to cry my heart out for him, but even crying was difficult for me. Because of the acid reflux, my stomach felt as if it had split apart. I held my stomach and couldn't stop myself from throwing up again.
The sight and sound of me retching was caught by him and the child. A-hyun stared at me in shock as her father tried to usher her out of the door. She grabbed her father's thumb and pretended to look sad for me.
"I won't call you umma..."
"Hurgh... Ungh...."
"So please don't be sick anymore..."
Again, all that came out were gastric juices. Just how much more am I going to throw up?
Even my throat hurts. It's as if I was trying to eject everything from inside me, draining me of my energy. I could feel the doctor's hands as he felt for my pulse, and I closed my eyes. A-hyun's look of pity surfaced in my mind. I won't call you umma... I won't call you umma anymore...
Suh-hee ah, if you were just a little more cruel, or if you didn't give birth to this vicious child, then perhaps I wouldn't be in such pain, and maybe I wouldn't be so sad.
By the time I could calm my thoughts, a whole afternoon had passed. I was living as if I was in a dream; closing my eyes for what felt like 10 minutes translated to 10 hours in reality.
Time still ticks on even if my thoughts were in slow motion.
A day has passed, and I felt him kneel beside me in all his perfection. He's probably begging me to wake up, choking back his tears at the same time. I slowly turned to look at him, and saw his tears fall onto my pillow. My Yunho... He's suffering like I am. The most beautiful person in the world, my Jung Yunho...
He held me tight in his arms. Where has that fiery passion gone to? I used to be able to feel his heart beating energetically everyday, but where has that gone, too? Jung Yunho is dead. We are one being, so if I'm suffering, he's suffering as well. In this irritating paradox, we gradually stopped shivering.
I didn't even have the strength to move my arms, but of course he took that into consideration as he adjusted me into a comfortable position, murmuring 'I love you' in his beautifully low voice as he climbed on top of me and pulled off all my obstructive clothes. It's like a final glimmer of hope; he's not doing this to ascertain our ability to make love, but to find a last bit of hope through my reaction.
His movements were slow but they created a huge reaction within me, from my abdomen all the way to my fingertips. His cock quickly brought me to a climax with its gentle destructive power, and at the same time I felt an unusual wave of pleasure and pain.
"Jaejoong ah..."
He swallowed hard, trying to calm himself. I heard his voice and slowly opened my eyes to look at him. He's staring in disbelief at where we were connected, so I traced his line of sight. It's almost like sticking a knife into an infected wound that's oozing pus.
"Oh..."
Blood. Blood was oozing out along with his semen, but I didn't feel the pain. Did my dying body love sex so much that even such agony could be ignored? I thought of how I had excreted blood not too long ago.
But I was no longer afraid, just a bit troubled by how our blanket cannot be used now. I wanted to reassure the visibly shocked Yunho, who was trembling and staring at my lower body, and I let out an involuntary sigh.
"I'm better off dead than having to live like this... Right... Yunho...?"
I finally understood what it felt like to be a cripple, lying there and not being able to move a single muscle. It probably feels like this. The blankets were soaked in blood but it just kept flowing. Yunho tried to use towels to stop it but it didn't work. But don't worry, don't be frightened by this, Yunho ah, it will stop soon. So don't be sad. I entrusted my ice-cold body to him as I closed my eyes and gave in to the terrible drowsiness that overcame me.
His breath, his voice, his heart beat. They called out to me from my dreams.
Jaejoong ah, Jaejoong ah... Even if I'm gone, I'll still be able to hear my name on your lips.
"How can you die alone like this..."
"....."
"Wait for me, Jaejoong ah... Wait for me..."
He didn't forget our wedding, and our vows. Whenever I had the time I would finger our wedding ring and swear to myself that we'll always be together. Why are you so distraught, my cute little Yunho ah...
"Don't go... Sob... You can't leave me behind... And move on by yourself...."
".... I won't die, Yunho ah..."
My wretched and lonely little life is like a parasite. Even if I died, I'll still live on in your heart... So I'll never die, Yunho ah.
It was a mystical night. Everything around me was silent and pitch dark. I walked towards the bathroom, breathing in the fresh, clean air of dawn and feeling the cold floor beneath my feet. The strangest thing was that it didn't feel tiring at all. Maybe it's because, moments ago, I was lying in his arms? My heart felt calm and steady.
I filled the bath tub with water - cold, because he hates the heat. Turning the tap on full might wake him up, so I adjusted the tap until the rush of water was almost silent, a light sound echoing in the bathroom that you had to strain your ears to hear.
I stood at the counter, hands drenched in water as I bent over to wash my face. After a thorough cleansing, I stared at my reflection. A pair of dazed eyes stared back at me as I took in the reflection of my 32 year-old self. I look a bit gaunt, but still very beautiful. At least at the very end, I wouldn't look too bad. This thought made me a lot happier.
I smiled, not knowing exactly what it is that soothes me so. Maybe it's because my heart's empty? Holding your heart still as water - I finally understood what that means and scolded myself a little for not realizing sooner. It's too late for regrets. I had no more energy left to torment others, because I finally know the price of being a sinner. That's why, committing suicide is the perfect way out for me, so I hope he wouldn't be too saddened by this.
The water quickly reached the brim. Before it started overflowing, I opened the cabinet and took out a shaving blade. And then, I closed the tap and took a towel with me as I stepped into the bath tub.
I placed the towel over my arms as I sat down into the tub. The cold water rushed over me, stinging me like a thousand little pin pricks. I clenched my jaws as my teeth chattered involuntarily, and I tried to hum my favourite tunes as I fought against the cold. My wrists were wet.
In my next life, I'll create a world where there's only the two of us. We'll live together in my paradise, never having to worry or be sad, bathing in the golden light of our youth.
I placed the blade over my protruding vein and ran it slowly across my skin. It slid smoothly into my flesh, drawing blood instantly. I was so cold that it didn't feel painful at all, and I even started tearing from the cold.
I laid back into the tub as I watched my blood well out of the cut, staining the water. Ba-dump, ba-dump, the echoes of that lovely rhythm gradually weakened and faded. My fingertips felt icier than the water. Joint by joint... the cold consumed me. I shivered violently as I adjusted my clothes and closed my eyes.
"....Yunho ah..."
My voice echoed, desolate, in the empty bathroom. I let myself be bathed in the crimson water, feeling my body warm up finally. My breathing became erratic, and my lungs felt dry.
Is Yunho still sleeping? Is he sleeping like a little child, with those long eyelashes framing his lovely eyes? Is he as warm as I am right now? Does he feel cold without a blanket?
Bam! I heard a dull thud. Why am I still holding onto this little bit of consciousness...?
"Jaejoong ah!!!! Kim Jaejoong!!!"
One last time. Just once. Is it because I wanted the last thing I see to be you? Is it because I wanted to reaffirm your love for me, even as I lay dying? My Yunho, my beloved Yunho ah...
"Jaejoong ah, open your eyes... Jaejoong ah, wake up!!! How can I live without you!!? Jaejoong ah... Jaejoong ah..."
Yunho, you still love me. You're holding my icy body in the water that's bathed with my own blood, and yet you still love me. I'm glad. Because you can't live without me.
"Jaejoong ah!! Sob...sob.. Open your eyes, please!!"
Heavy. My eyelids feel so heavy. If only I could see your face again, but I can't open my eyes. Yunho ah. Maybe if you warm my body up with yours, I'll be able to see you?
When I next open my eyes... I pray that you'll be standing before me... Yunho ah, Yunho... My love... I'm leaving... And I don't feel cold at all. Do I look pale...? My lips, do my crimson lips look as good as they did...?
I tried to twitch my lips into a smile. Only now do I realize that, perhaps, it's selfish of me to leave him behind and move on like this. I tried thrashing my body around so I would linger on for a bit more, but I just can't open my eyes. I wonder how does the world look like right now? I could only hear his cries and sobs. My body has already gone stiff. I hope you can understand my selfish, ugly heart, and remember our dazzlingly beautiful romance, and our final promise that we couldn't fulfill.
And then, all my emotions left my body.
I'll live on in his heart, breathing with every beat. Even if I'm dead, it doesn't mean that everything in me has died. Because I am you, and you are me.
He was sobbing uncontrollably over my cold body. Under those calls of love and hiccups, like a white lie, I opened my eyes.
The first thing I saw was a blinding light. I saw his lips that had once asked me to love him, and confessed his love for me. Even in death, he's still calling out to me so sweetly. And behind him...
She stood there, her lips quivering and her eyes wide. I saw my reflection in her eyes. She's hesitant, unsure of what to call me.
It's alright, A-hyun ah.
A-hyun ah, A-hyun...
Call me umma just this once....