GET IN ON THE REACTION ACTION
I DID IT FOR THE LULZ. THAT IS ALL.
Not dail-up friendly. You can snag caps if you'd like. I don't mind. They're just regular quality and occasionally lulzy. Nothing specially. They only serve to illustrate all my brilliant points. ;D
And if you take away the caps, LOL, I ACTUALLY ISN'T EVEN THAT LONG. Yeah, I'm cool.
Camelot! I am happy to see you!
I wonder just who you have to piss off to be put on midnight shift on the excavation. Can’t be Uther. Uther would be merciful enough to actually kill you, I think….
Even though it’s dusty, I keep thinking they are covering their mouths because Dead Sigan smells like…well…Dead Sigan. “Oh god, this reeks of dead sorcerer…. Remember to vomit into your elbow so’s we don’t spread Swine Flue.”
Not only is Arthur sexy, but I am totally feeling him on the annoying-noise-that-won’t-let-you-sleep front. However, I don’t believe my roomate spends all night on facebook by orders of the king…. I am watching Arthur roll over and sigh and I am all “oh god, I know, right?” Too bad I don’t have a Merlin to bitch at her through. I do the female equivalent of shirtlessness, btw. I sleep without pyjama bottoms. Because I’m sexy, and as a rule, all sexy people sleep with progressively less and less clothing as television series progress. Even series we aren‘t exactly in.
Merlin has a lot of pep for being ordered about at midnight. And a lot of clothes. For shame. I’m going to assume someone was sent to get him, and he’s running late. Because otherwise I have to contend with fridge logic on this, and fridge logic doesn’t give up.
LOL. Random blond dude in front of Merlin FAR OUTSIDE THE TOMB and messing with a basket or something, runs off with everyone screaming for no other reason I can think of than “hey, everyone else is running and screaming, I guess I’ll join them….” I suppose he is either a sissy Uther sent to man-up in the tunnels, or he’s crafty and wants a slice of the liability lawsuit everyone's meeting up at the pub to file after this.
Merlin…you are stupid beyond belief. Five grown men are running past you and you’re first thought is something like “oh…well, that’s ominous…this has got to be good!” and prancing right off into danger.
Apparently the owner of the tomb seemed to do nothing if not completely flashy and gaudy all the way. I mean, the fabulous raven coat of later shouldn’t even be a surprise. Look at the giant blue heart bling. Judging by Merlin’s expression, Merlin seems to agree that running away from so much tackiness and clutter is probably a good first reaction. He’s probably slightly horrified at how dated the oversized vases and raven statues make the place. “Cobwebs are right, bitch. This is the freaking stone age in here….”
JFC. SCARY ASHEN FACE OF DEATH. I CREEPED OUT. I CREEPED OUT, AND I’VE BEEN WATCHING BUFFY ALL WEEK.
Also creeped out then the arrow flew at Gaius. Will Merlin be saving Gaius every first episode from now on? Will this be a trend? Open and close every season with saving Gaius?
Uther, the King of Tacky Bling, is tickled to death by this tacky tomb. “So, which one of my predecessors do I have to thank for this? I like their taste in gold and giant bird-like statues. Glowy, creepy heart is also a nice touch. It’s really quite exceptionally done. And certainly this predecessor won’t mind me borrowing any…well, ALL of it…between family. Take notes Arthur, my son. I am looking forward to no less of a send-off than this. This isn’t even half the gold and bird-like statues I want.”
Does Uther telling Gaius he was right about there being treasure under Camelot mean than they’ve discussed this before and possibly even disagreed on it? Oh…the mystery of why Gaius disagreed~!
Speaking of the trap that almost killed Gaius: “To deter grave robbers!” Thank you Arthur. Have a gold start to go with your gold hair. Just don’t show you’re father. He’ll want to bling himself out with it….
LOL, THE RISING SUN. CAMELOT…ARE YOU IN NEW ORLEANS PERCHANCE? BECAUSE, WELL, THERE IS A HOUSE, IN NEW ORLEANS, THEY CALL THE RISING SUN. AND IT’S BEEN THE RUIN OF MANY A POOR BOY. AND GOD, I KNOW, I’M ONE.
lol, the Fat Man telling Cedric that the tomb is locked up “tighter than the king’s coffers”. My mind just chimed in, rather inappropriately “YES, BUT THAT HAS NOT STOPPED GAIUS, HUR-HUR.”
Dear Mind: You are inappropriate and I love you. Hur-hur.
YES! GRATUITOUS SHIRTLESSNESS.
Cedric: “Who has the keys?”
FatMan: “Only the prince. But don’t get your hopes up. He keeps them in his private chambers. And that hairy, sexy, naked chest has been known to kill, KILL WITH SEXY NAKEDNESS. If it don’t kill you, though, then over time, it makes you simply too stupid to function.”
Cedric: “Too stupid to function? You’re kidding. No naked, sexy chest has that power.”
FatMan: “Well, then you’ve never met his manservant….”
Merlin and Arthur are so married by this point in time. My mind tells me Arthur’s the wife, though. He just nags so much. Temperament-wise, Arthur is such a princess. “The honour, dear? Did you hear that? This man says it’s an honour to serve me. Since went have you honoured me, you lazy bum? And I’ve been sleeping shirtless and sans-panties for what must be three weeks now….”
[lol, last one's there just bc of Colin's face xD]
Merlin: “Here, you’ll need a beater.” [hands Cedric beater stick for the hunt by hitting him in the stomach with it, pretending to apologise] “Oh sorry! Shove it up your ass. You’ll be fine.”
Gaius is currently trying to discover a scientific reason for all of the ugly behind the Raven ring from the tomb. How can something so tacky exist? Could this be the tomb of a demon from the dark, terrifyingly kitsch dimension of hell? Oh…this is truly Dark Magic….
If Arthur’s on the hunt right now…who let Gaius into the tomb? I mean, if Arthur has the only keys?
<<--love this shot
So, getting run down by a boar, Merlin saves them, Cedric takes credit. We all know. I love Arthur’s excited face, though. All “wow, I’ve forgot what competence looks like, Merlin. This shiny new person is really a whole lot shinier than I thought.”
Then, naturally, Gloating!Cedric hands Merlin a beater in the traditional Camelotian fashion of hinting him with it, and says “go fuck yourself with this” in the tonethat only a truly genuine “sorry” can ever, ever convey…. Cedric learns the ways of the Royal Household rather quickly, I say.
Awwwwww, that’s a really sad oboe-thing when Merlin comes home to his and Gaius’s pad. Also, Colin look a lot like a chipmunk this season. I mean, I already saw it in the previews, but here it is again. I guess he learned a new face during the filming break: “le chipmunk”. Or, perhaps a director is fond of it and keeps making him do it. “C’mon, chipmunk this line, Colin. It’s adorable and the kiddos will love you for it. I want you to repeat this to yourself as you recite your lines here: How much wood would a woodchuck cuck if a woodchuck were Colin Morgan?”
<<--if Merlin leaned over my shoulder with that intent a look, chances are I won't be translating shit while he's over there....
Merlin: “What language is that?”
Gaius: “Gay hearts and squiggles? I’m not yet sure.”
For those who grew up in Camelot, Cornelius Sigan was a figure of nightmare. He was the most powerfully fabulous sorcerer that ever lived. They said his sequined robes could blind the sun into night. He could turn the tides stomachs…and legend has it, his spells helped build Camelot with all those giant, tacky bird-like statues and actually pretty nicely coordinated blue and white colour scheme, which was all clearly was not wrought by the hand of man. In the end he grew too powerful, and the manliest of manly kings of Camelot ordered his execution [probably by magic I guess since magic wasn't illegal? IDEK] in true Camelot tradition of executing your problems away. Not able to bear leaving all of his glorious, shiny kitsch behind, however, Sigan became obsessed with finding a way to defeat death itself.
Then Gaius goes to chat with Uther in the middle of Uther’s second-dinner.
Uther’s all “hey, babe, wanna help me kill this fifth helping of pudding?”
and Gaius is all “no, I want you to seal up the burial chamber and all it’s contents”
and Uther is like “well, first I’ve got to eat this whole bowl of delicious pudding. All aone. So, so alone. Without even Morgana or anyone to eat with me. So very, incredibly, painfully alone”
and Gaius is all “…and I don’t like pudding”
and Uther is all “you’re shitting me, you love pudding”
and Gaius is like “look at this ring, sire. the tomb belongs to Sigan.”
and Uther is like “no, it’s far to beautiful a thing to be evil. Got gold and birds, two things I like”
and Gaius is all “it’s also got Sigan, sire. A sorcerer. Which you don’t like”
and Uther is like “actually, it’s my fave bedtime story. I love happy endings.”
and Gaius is all “well, actually, sire, this story hasn’t ended yet. In the old religion, Sigan means Raven. As in “shit, man, this party is raven.” He cursed Camelot and said that one day he would return to rave the city to the ground”
and Uther is all, “you’re joking, Gaius. You have long been my ally on the war against terror sorcery. You more than anyone should know to STFU about this shit. You’re trying to give me the creeps. Now go away. And you can forget about having any of my pudding”
Morgana dreaming about ravens. Someone’s been reading the Ed Poe a bit too late at night, I see. Good thing Gwen suspected Morgana was just inviting nightmares with this foolish reading behaviour, and so opted to not go home at all tonight. That’s just really commendable servant-work, you guys. “Never fear, m’lady, my jiggling, moonlit boobs are here to comfort you!”
<<--lookit that bling, bb
Arthur, you jerk. Letting Cedric serve you your breakfast when we all know Merlin only serves you meat and bread because you actually don’t eat fruit and veg. You are playing one cruel game on your husband. You even let Cedric bring you a completely unnecessary fruit bowl. Just to rub it in! Jesus, Arthur. Do you know no shame? And then you send your man to muck out the stables. Cold, man. Hell know no fury like a princess scorned…. Does it not make you even a little nervous that Cedric keeps checking out your keys bum, or are you so arrogant you think “hell, who wouldn’t, bay-bay? hur-hur.”
For shame, Arthur. For shaaaaame.
WHOA. MORGANA. Just where is this belief that Gwen would give anyone a blow to the head come from, much less give you a blow to the head? This is when you call a psychiatrist for your child. When she totally loses touch with reality and says the puppy wants to kick her. What the hell, Morgana?
The horses! They are pretty! I am terrified of horses, but I want to pet them all and snuggle. :D
So Merlin’s like a bee. Some smoke, and he goes right out like a light. He doesn’t even worry about there even suddenly being smoke. He just passed out into CHOCOLATE AND OATMEAL, MHMMM (do not mention that M-word if you want to live--Colin said it was chocolate and oatmeal, so dammit, it is chocolate and oatmeal and not…that other thing we aren’t mentioning).
ARTHUR HALF MIMICS MERLIN’S CLASSIC HEAD GRAB BACK AT HIM. AHAHAHAAA. THAT IS SO ODDLY ADORABLE AND MEAN AT THE SAME TIME. Must be Bradley’s “gift” of impressions, seeing how one of Colin’s typical “moves” when acting is to grab his head in a show of Merlin’s disbelief/astonishment/whatever-merits-head-grabbing. AWWWWWW.
So Cedric gets Merlin sacked for the night. Merlin uses the now infamous insult "clotpole". Merlin is sad because Arthur calls him and idiot. Like, tears in his eyes. Arthur is such an abusive wife. This is a cruel, cruel game. Merlin manages to look really pretty with half his face covered in...chocolate oatmeal...skin condition mask. He's been having some trouble spots on the right cheek. Thinks Arthur will love him again if he clears the complexion up some more.... With chocolate oatmeal masks....
And then the series Merlin suddenly becomes a teen drama. Merlin comes home, slamming doors and scuffling his feet. Gaius, all fatherly and hearing the sad music, looks up with concern.
“What’s that in your face, Merlin?”
“Nothing.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Merlin?”
“God, just leave me alone, Mom! Geez.”
And then Merlin slams the door to his room and starts blasting the indie rock, wallowing in a pit of Franz Ferdinand, Pixies, Show Patrol and The Editors. Teenage girls the UK over unanimously swoon, but sort of agree the Pixies in this instance might be a bit much….
You know, until Daddy Gaius starts with all the inappropriately caressing touching. In his sly new red robe of sexy.
Merlin is not an idiot. He takes it very, very personally. Can’t blame the guy. Everyone since season one has been calling him an idiot. He’s probably tired of grinning and bearing it, especially when Arthur leaves him for an older man.
It’s hard to comment on this scene, besides how awesome Gaius is [basically telling Merlin, “Arthur loves you baby, but boys will be boys, and birds will be bees, and sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and wish upon a star, and win one for the Gipper”], because the music is so dramatic, and then Merlin is so dramatic, and then Gaius is being all dramatic with his far-reaching, motivational advice. So. Well.
THIS. IS. DRAAAMAAAAA.
“He who breaks my heart completes my work.” I think both Merlin and I were momentarily very taken aback by how romantic this sounds, given how we are preoccupied thinking of Arthur and not fabulously dead sorcerers. We’re definitely not thinking about how fabulously dead sorcerers who actually plan on maybe coming back one day might leave the instructions to their resurrection in an ancient text that takes Gaius several days to translate. Or why, when they ideally would like the tacky glowing heart to be broken by someone, they guard it with cursed arrows so no-one can get near it. I mean, Sigan…what the hell, man? Please don’t try to make your resurrection easy or anything.
WELL HELLOOOOO, ARTHUR’S CHEST. IT’S BEEN A LONG FIFTEEN MINUTES WITHOUT YOU, BB. And by chest, I mean the one of drawers with the keys. And by keys I mean bum. And by bum I mean Cedric must be experiencing the highlight of his manserving career right now.
Apparently Cedric in the Old Religion mean MAN WITH GIGANTIC COJONES. Shit. He didn’t even wait for Arthur to fall asleep to pilfer those keys from him, did he? Way to go Cedric. He wasn’t even very quiet about it. That’s a thing of wonder.
And then we get to watch Cedric orgasm over jewels and shiny, tacky objects. “Costume jewellery of this calibre is beyond my wildest dreams! I can start my own wholesale with just half of this loot. Hell, my krewe ain't gonna run outta throws at this year's Mardi Gras, baby! But first--are those aroma beads?! Oh cool. I’ve been meaning to try these. This’ll really freshen up the ol’ hovel. Oh look, it’s letting out a burst of freshness. Mhmm. Scent of Sigan….”
Next morning, Merlin and Gaius have found the One Blinging Heart to Rule them all, sans the Scent of Sigan. Cedric, the greedy bastard, apparently used it all up and got possessed.
Merlin, as he smolders.
AHAHAHAAAAA. WHEN WIZARDS DON’T USE MAGIC, DO THEY ALL FIGHT LIKE PANSIES? JFC. Wizards are total losers. Meanwhile, Arthur’s like “youarenotarousedyouarenotaroused” while watching the two spindly men in his life fight for him.
Sadly, it's all fun and games until someone knocks Arthur over.
Merlin’s actually bigger than Cedric [that happens? Merlin bigger than other people?], so Arthur does the humanitarian thing and steps in to break it up. Because face it, he doesn’t know Cedric is now Sigan and evil. He doesn’t know Merlin’s been blasting the Death Cab and Bright Eyes all night until even the maids have started crying and putting on eyeliner because they can’t shake the emo-tatisc sadness of teenage anguish in their bleeding, broken hearts.
Merlin may be keeping the magic secret, but Colin hasn’t really been keeping the accent secret for basically this entire episode. He’s been called to do a lot more dramatic scenes with talking in them, and so the accent just slips in now and again. I’m going to pretend it’s the Ealdorean accent or something. I’ll rest better that way.
Now that Arthur’s thrown Merlin into the dungeon, Sigan’s gonna make good and rave this city to the ground. He’s got his fabulous black boa cloak, his black-eye contacts, and more abused hair product than you can wave your magic wand at. Uther is starting to realise that bird-like statues are not as cool as he’d thought once they come alive. So, naturally, he sends Arthur to take care of it. Because apparently Uther just ate second-dinner and is too full to be bothered with defending the kingdom. That’s what you have sons for, dammit.
Gaius stops by to say “I told you so” and Uther gets all “no, I tell you NOT so. If I say it’s not happening, it’s not happening. You’re not right, I’m right. There’s no Sigan. And even if there were a sorcerer, Camelot wouldn’t fall to him anyway. Especially is his name were Sigan. Now shut your face.”
What happened to Merlin just quietly being able to unlock doors? Was completely demolishing the door really necessary? Or…well…perhaps he’s figuring he’ll say that a flying monster crawled all the way down to the dungeons and let him out. And then just flew away and let him escape. Like any monster would.
Oh Merlin, you are slyyyyyy.
Super-amazing Moonlit Boobs arrive to save Arthur from one of the monsters. Thank you, Gwen Boobs! Well done! Arthur’s lucky Gwen was already outside with a plank of wood, giving people blows to the head like she enjoys doing in her free time. With Morgana on bedrest, who’s Gwen going to give blows to the head to now? As soon as she saw the first monster, she ran giddily straight home to fetch herself plenty of blunt objects.
<<--[you're special, bb~]
AHAHAHAAAA. NOT RELEVANT TO THE EPISODE: But while the scene of Arthur hitting on Gwen with the “you really surprise me” [you’ll remember this from season one when he used a variation of it on Merlin, “there’s just something about you….”], an ambulance sped up past my window, and for a second I didn’t notice because it’s sort of a hospital/war hospital scene and my mind was like “oh yes, there go the ambulances” until I was like “wait…Jen…there aren’t any ambulances in Camelot.” Then I had to pause the episode just to make sure. And to type this needlessly long and pointless description of the moment.
Moving on…
Meanwhile, as Arthur is hitting on the help, people are being attacked.
Merlin creeps around to see how Arthur's doing.
Oh, he's got ladies. Should be fine. Now, back to saving the day with Gaius.... Saving the day...through pointless short picscpams because ego_chan think's Merlin's actually really handsome in this lighting.
Merlin is just sooo stressed out this episode, guys, Like, guys. What? I spend half the time just wanting to cry for him. The boy has got it rough. This episode feels so much longer just because he is so incredibly stressed out the entire time. Cedric and Sigan are just….not at all good for this poor boy. I didn’t even feel this bad for Merlin back when Arthur was dying last season. I guess because then it was all “what? Arthur’s not going to die, Jesus….” But the threat of Arthur becoming seriously upset and not wanting Merlin near him again for a very long, painful time is much more realistic and likely than either of them dying. I can relate to this fear more, I suppose. In this episode, we can see just how much of a prat Arthur really is in how he treats Merlin after he pushes Merlin mostly out of his inner circle. It’s like Valiant again. Valiant upsets me to watch aswell when Arthur yells at Merlin for making him look like an idiot. However, getting to see Morris again in Valiant was a bonus. NGL.
Anywho, off to the Great Dragon now. I actually spent several minutes between Merlin looking upset and Arthur finding all the dead bodies in the town. Then I had to take another five minute break between this and the Dragon. Because I’m a big baby and had to go listen to some Beyonce and Taylor Swift to calm down because I wanted to cry. I’m further convinced that I could never actually watch an episode of Merlin in real time. Especially if the episodes for this season are all going to be this intense.
I do like that Merlin distrusts the Dragon again. As he ought to have done all along, I say.
AHAHA. OH SIGAN. YOUR FABOULOUS FEATHER CLOAK WAYS HAVE BROUGHT BE BACK FROM THE BRINK OF A MERLIN-INDUCED DEPRESSION. I love your hair. It does not move. And I love your serious voice. You sound so calm and rational for an evil, fabulous sorcerer. “First, I’ll destroy Camelot and then, you know, whuteva. I’ll rule the land or something. I dunno. Who’s gonna stop me?”
Much better than a high-pitched, crazy voice some actors might have gone for. Good on you, Mackenzie.
Leave it to Merlin to make me want to cry again when sounding all miserable but determined when saying how Arthur can never know who Merlin really is. It’s so bromantic. Then, Scent of Sigan comes for him. And although I spoiled my guts out and already know that Merlin is fine, I still freak out when Gaius is wandering out to see if Merlin’s made it, and Merlin has his mean face on. Which frankly, I'm gonna say he never took off since the Cedric debacle started.
Then, for one of the precious few times in the episode, Merlin smiles. However, he’s mostly only ever smiled at Gaius this entire episode. It’s really sort of sad. Merlin has, like, no friends and no life outside Arthur and Gwen. Damn. And Arthur apparently doesn’t even see him as an actual friend in regards to being his equal. Merlin’s just “that cute weirdo I hit on but still feel a little embarrassed to be seen around no matter how many times we’ve saved each other from stuff because, well, have I mentioned he’s weird?”
And then Merlin runs home hiding his tears until he can crank some Foo Foghters. Because not even indie rock or emo-jams can encompass his sorrow. Then Gaius gives him an intimate backrub, makes him some tea, and tells him how Camelot is in peril this week. And Merlin’s all “mhmm, peril…my favourite flavor of fun…” and then goes out to get shit done all by himself.
God. NGL. I probably would have sided with Sigan….
Uther is being a pompous ass about learning from what happened.
“These events prove that I’m right without a doubt,” says Uther.
Gaius’s face is like “wait? wtf? since when have you bee right the entire damn episode?”
But then Uther is like “magic is evil. It is our greatest threat.”
And Gaius is like “yes sire, of course sire.” by which he means “oh wait, I see. You’re just pretending everything else you said in this episode didn’t happen, then. Typical….”
Did Gaius make veggie curry for Merlin to celebrate him saving Camelot? Why is it so orange? It is yams? Carrots? Pumpkin?
Merlin is so happy and sad at the same time when Arthur is telling Merlin in a vague way that Merlin was right. GOD, YOU’RE KILLING ME, MERLZ. And then Arthur needlessly ruins Merlin’s loaf of bread by dumping armour into it. Well, at least Merlin was able to save…the yam/squash veggie curry or whatever that was.
Clotpole. Or whatever. I’m busy freaking out because Merlin looks like a little kid in this scene. I dunno if his hair is just flatter. Perhaps ye ol’ humidity in Camelot has gone down. Whatever. He looks like a kid, though. Which is weird because this man in actually in his twenties. God Colin, you scare me so badly.
My professors only wish I'd devote this much time and hilarity to my classes....
Unlike normal people, I was watching football yesterday and didn't get to see Merlin until this morning. Bc actually, it's almost five in the morning over here. xDxDDDDDD
Not dail-up friendly. You can snag caps if you'd like. I don't mind. They're just regular quality and occasionally lulzy. Nothing specially. They only serve to illustrate all my brilliant points. ;D
And if you take away the caps, LOL, I ACTUALLY ISN'T EVEN THAT LONG. Yeah, I'm cool.
Camelot! I am happy to see you!
I wonder just who you have to piss off to be put on midnight shift on the excavation. Can’t be Uther. Uther would be merciful enough to actually kill you, I think….
Even though it’s dusty, I keep thinking they are covering their mouths because Dead Sigan smells like…well…Dead Sigan. “Oh god, this reeks of dead sorcerer…. Remember to vomit into your elbow so’s we don’t spread Swine Flue.”
Not only is Arthur sexy, but I am totally feeling him on the annoying-noise-that-won’t-let-you-sleep front. However, I don’t believe my roomate spends all night on facebook by orders of the king…. I am watching Arthur roll over and sigh and I am all “oh god, I know, right?” Too bad I don’t have a Merlin to bitch at her through. I do the female equivalent of shirtlessness, btw. I sleep without pyjama bottoms. Because I’m sexy, and as a rule, all sexy people sleep with progressively less and less clothing as television series progress. Even series we aren‘t exactly in.
Merlin has a lot of pep for being ordered about at midnight. And a lot of clothes. For shame. I’m going to assume someone was sent to get him, and he’s running late. Because otherwise I have to contend with fridge logic on this, and fridge logic doesn’t give up.
LOL. Random blond dude in front of Merlin FAR OUTSIDE THE TOMB and messing with a basket or something, runs off with everyone screaming for no other reason I can think of than “hey, everyone else is running and screaming, I guess I’ll join them….” I suppose he is either a sissy Uther sent to man-up in the tunnels, or he’s crafty and wants a slice of the liability lawsuit everyone's meeting up at the pub to file after this.
Merlin…you are stupid beyond belief. Five grown men are running past you and you’re first thought is something like “oh…well, that’s ominous…this has got to be good!” and prancing right off into danger.
Apparently the owner of the tomb seemed to do nothing if not completely flashy and gaudy all the way. I mean, the fabulous raven coat of later shouldn’t even be a surprise. Look at the giant blue heart bling. Judging by Merlin’s expression, Merlin seems to agree that running away from so much tackiness and clutter is probably a good first reaction. He’s probably slightly horrified at how dated the oversized vases and raven statues make the place. “Cobwebs are right, bitch. This is the freaking stone age in here….”
JFC. SCARY ASHEN FACE OF DEATH. I CREEPED OUT. I CREEPED OUT, AND I’VE BEEN WATCHING BUFFY ALL WEEK.
Also creeped out then the arrow flew at Gaius. Will Merlin be saving Gaius every first episode from now on? Will this be a trend? Open and close every season with saving Gaius?
Uther, the King of Tacky Bling, is tickled to death by this tacky tomb. “So, which one of my predecessors do I have to thank for this? I like their taste in gold and giant bird-like statues. Glowy, creepy heart is also a nice touch. It’s really quite exceptionally done. And certainly this predecessor won’t mind me borrowing any…well, ALL of it…between family. Take notes Arthur, my son. I am looking forward to no less of a send-off than this. This isn’t even half the gold and bird-like statues I want.”
Does Uther telling Gaius he was right about there being treasure under Camelot mean than they’ve discussed this before and possibly even disagreed on it? Oh…the mystery of why Gaius disagreed~!
Speaking of the trap that almost killed Gaius: “To deter grave robbers!” Thank you Arthur. Have a gold start to go with your gold hair. Just don’t show you’re father. He’ll want to bling himself out with it….
LOL, THE RISING SUN. CAMELOT…ARE YOU IN NEW ORLEANS PERCHANCE? BECAUSE, WELL, THERE IS A HOUSE, IN NEW ORLEANS, THEY CALL THE RISING SUN. AND IT’S BEEN THE RUIN OF MANY A POOR BOY. AND GOD, I KNOW, I’M ONE.
lol, the Fat Man telling Cedric that the tomb is locked up “tighter than the king’s coffers”. My mind just chimed in, rather inappropriately “YES, BUT THAT HAS NOT STOPPED GAIUS, HUR-HUR.”
Dear Mind: You are inappropriate and I love you. Hur-hur.
YES! GRATUITOUS SHIRTLESSNESS.
Cedric: “Who has the keys?”
FatMan: “Only the prince. But don’t get your hopes up. He keeps them in his private chambers. And that hairy, sexy, naked chest has been known to kill, KILL WITH SEXY NAKEDNESS. If it don’t kill you, though, then over time, it makes you simply too stupid to function.”
Cedric: “Too stupid to function? You’re kidding. No naked, sexy chest has that power.”
FatMan: “Well, then you’ve never met his manservant….”
Merlin and Arthur are so married by this point in time. My mind tells me Arthur’s the wife, though. He just nags so much. Temperament-wise, Arthur is such a princess. “The honour, dear? Did you hear that? This man says it’s an honour to serve me. Since went have you honoured me, you lazy bum? And I’ve been sleeping shirtless and sans-panties for what must be three weeks now….”
[lol, last one's there just bc of Colin's face xD]
Merlin: “Here, you’ll need a beater.” [hands Cedric beater stick for the hunt by hitting him in the stomach with it, pretending to apologise] “Oh sorry! Shove it up your ass. You’ll be fine.”
Gaius is currently trying to discover a scientific reason for all of the ugly behind the Raven ring from the tomb. How can something so tacky exist? Could this be the tomb of a demon from the dark, terrifyingly kitsch dimension of hell? Oh…this is truly Dark Magic….
If Arthur’s on the hunt right now…who let Gaius into the tomb? I mean, if Arthur has the only keys?
<<--love this shot
So, getting run down by a boar, Merlin saves them, Cedric takes credit. We all know. I love Arthur’s excited face, though. All “wow, I’ve forgot what competence looks like, Merlin. This shiny new person is really a whole lot shinier than I thought.”
Then, naturally, Gloating!Cedric hands Merlin a beater in the traditional Camelotian fashion of hinting him with it, and says “go fuck yourself with this” in the tonethat only a truly genuine “sorry” can ever, ever convey…. Cedric learns the ways of the Royal Household rather quickly, I say.
Awwwwww, that’s a really sad oboe-thing when Merlin comes home to his and Gaius’s pad. Also, Colin look a lot like a chipmunk this season. I mean, I already saw it in the previews, but here it is again. I guess he learned a new face during the filming break: “le chipmunk”. Or, perhaps a director is fond of it and keeps making him do it. “C’mon, chipmunk this line, Colin. It’s adorable and the kiddos will love you for it. I want you to repeat this to yourself as you recite your lines here: How much wood would a woodchuck cuck if a woodchuck were Colin Morgan?”
<<--if Merlin leaned over my shoulder with that intent a look, chances are I won't be translating shit while he's over there....
Merlin: “What language is that?”
Gaius: “Gay hearts and squiggles? I’m not yet sure.”
For those who grew up in Camelot, Cornelius Sigan was a figure of nightmare. He was the most powerfully fabulous sorcerer that ever lived. They said his sequined robes could blind the sun into night. He could turn the tides stomachs…and legend has it, his spells helped build Camelot with all those giant, tacky bird-like statues and actually pretty nicely coordinated blue and white colour scheme, which was all clearly was not wrought by the hand of man. In the end he grew too powerful, and the manliest of manly kings of Camelot ordered his execution [probably by magic I guess since magic wasn't illegal? IDEK] in true Camelot tradition of executing your problems away. Not able to bear leaving all of his glorious, shiny kitsch behind, however, Sigan became obsessed with finding a way to defeat death itself.
Then Gaius goes to chat with Uther in the middle of Uther’s second-dinner.
Uther’s all “hey, babe, wanna help me kill this fifth helping of pudding?”
and Gaius is all “no, I want you to seal up the burial chamber and all it’s contents”
and Uther is like “well, first I’ve got to eat this whole bowl of delicious pudding. All aone. So, so alone. Without even Morgana or anyone to eat with me. So very, incredibly, painfully alone”
and Gaius is all “…and I don’t like pudding”
and Uther is all “you’re shitting me, you love pudding”
and Gaius is like “look at this ring, sire. the tomb belongs to Sigan.”
and Uther is like “no, it’s far to beautiful a thing to be evil. Got gold and birds, two things I like”
and Gaius is all “it’s also got Sigan, sire. A sorcerer. Which you don’t like”
and Uther is like “actually, it’s my fave bedtime story. I love happy endings.”
and Gaius is all “well, actually, sire, this story hasn’t ended yet. In the old religion, Sigan means Raven. As in “shit, man, this party is raven.” He cursed Camelot and said that one day he would return to rave the city to the ground”
and Uther is all, “you’re joking, Gaius. You have long been my ally on the war against terror sorcery. You more than anyone should know to STFU about this shit. You’re trying to give me the creeps. Now go away. And you can forget about having any of my pudding”
Morgana dreaming about ravens. Someone’s been reading the Ed Poe a bit too late at night, I see. Good thing Gwen suspected Morgana was just inviting nightmares with this foolish reading behaviour, and so opted to not go home at all tonight. That’s just really commendable servant-work, you guys. “Never fear, m’lady, my jiggling, moonlit boobs are here to comfort you!”
<<--lookit that bling, bb
Arthur, you jerk. Letting Cedric serve you your breakfast when we all know Merlin only serves you meat and bread because you actually don’t eat fruit and veg. You are playing one cruel game on your husband. You even let Cedric bring you a completely unnecessary fruit bowl. Just to rub it in! Jesus, Arthur. Do you know no shame? And then you send your man to muck out the stables. Cold, man. Hell know no fury like a princess scorned…. Does it not make you even a little nervous that Cedric keeps checking out your keys bum, or are you so arrogant you think “hell, who wouldn’t, bay-bay? hur-hur.”
For shame, Arthur. For shaaaaame.
WHOA. MORGANA. Just where is this belief that Gwen would give anyone a blow to the head come from, much less give you a blow to the head? This is when you call a psychiatrist for your child. When she totally loses touch with reality and says the puppy wants to kick her. What the hell, Morgana?
The horses! They are pretty! I am terrified of horses, but I want to pet them all and snuggle. :D
So Merlin’s like a bee. Some smoke, and he goes right out like a light. He doesn’t even worry about there even suddenly being smoke. He just passed out into CHOCOLATE AND OATMEAL, MHMMM (do not mention that M-word if you want to live--Colin said it was chocolate and oatmeal, so dammit, it is chocolate and oatmeal and not…that other thing we aren’t mentioning).
ARTHUR HALF MIMICS MERLIN’S CLASSIC HEAD GRAB BACK AT HIM. AHAHAHAAA. THAT IS SO ODDLY ADORABLE AND MEAN AT THE SAME TIME. Must be Bradley’s “gift” of impressions, seeing how one of Colin’s typical “moves” when acting is to grab his head in a show of Merlin’s disbelief/astonishment/whatever-merits-head-grabbing. AWWWWWW.
So Cedric gets Merlin sacked for the night. Merlin uses the now infamous insult "clotpole". Merlin is sad because Arthur calls him and idiot. Like, tears in his eyes. Arthur is such an abusive wife. This is a cruel, cruel game. Merlin manages to look really pretty with half his face covered in...chocolate oatmeal...skin condition mask. He's been having some trouble spots on the right cheek. Thinks Arthur will love him again if he clears the complexion up some more.... With chocolate oatmeal masks....
And then the series Merlin suddenly becomes a teen drama. Merlin comes home, slamming doors and scuffling his feet. Gaius, all fatherly and hearing the sad music, looks up with concern.
“What’s that in your face, Merlin?”
“Nothing.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Merlin?”
“God, just leave me alone, Mom! Geez.”
And then Merlin slams the door to his room and starts blasting the indie rock, wallowing in a pit of Franz Ferdinand, Pixies, Show Patrol and The Editors. Teenage girls the UK over unanimously swoon, but sort of agree the Pixies in this instance might be a bit much….
You know, until Daddy Gaius starts with all the inappropriately caressing touching. In his sly new red robe of sexy.
Merlin is not an idiot. He takes it very, very personally. Can’t blame the guy. Everyone since season one has been calling him an idiot. He’s probably tired of grinning and bearing it, especially when Arthur leaves him for an older man.
It’s hard to comment on this scene, besides how awesome Gaius is [basically telling Merlin, “Arthur loves you baby, but boys will be boys, and birds will be bees, and sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and wish upon a star, and win one for the Gipper”], because the music is so dramatic, and then Merlin is so dramatic, and then Gaius is being all dramatic with his far-reaching, motivational advice. So. Well.
THIS. IS. DRAAAMAAAAA.
“He who breaks my heart completes my work.” I think both Merlin and I were momentarily very taken aback by how romantic this sounds, given how we are preoccupied thinking of Arthur and not fabulously dead sorcerers. We’re definitely not thinking about how fabulously dead sorcerers who actually plan on maybe coming back one day might leave the instructions to their resurrection in an ancient text that takes Gaius several days to translate. Or why, when they ideally would like the tacky glowing heart to be broken by someone, they guard it with cursed arrows so no-one can get near it. I mean, Sigan…what the hell, man? Please don’t try to make your resurrection easy or anything.
WELL HELLOOOOO, ARTHUR’S CHEST. IT’S BEEN A LONG FIFTEEN MINUTES WITHOUT YOU, BB. And by chest, I mean the one of drawers with the keys. And by keys I mean bum. And by bum I mean Cedric must be experiencing the highlight of his manserving career right now.
Apparently Cedric in the Old Religion mean MAN WITH GIGANTIC COJONES. Shit. He didn’t even wait for Arthur to fall asleep to pilfer those keys from him, did he? Way to go Cedric. He wasn’t even very quiet about it. That’s a thing of wonder.
And then we get to watch Cedric orgasm over jewels and shiny, tacky objects. “Costume jewellery of this calibre is beyond my wildest dreams! I can start my own wholesale with just half of this loot. Hell, my krewe ain't gonna run outta throws at this year's Mardi Gras, baby! But first--are those aroma beads?! Oh cool. I’ve been meaning to try these. This’ll really freshen up the ol’ hovel. Oh look, it’s letting out a burst of freshness. Mhmm. Scent of Sigan….”
Next morning, Merlin and Gaius have found the One Blinging Heart to Rule them all, sans the Scent of Sigan. Cedric, the greedy bastard, apparently used it all up and got possessed.
Merlin, as he smolders.
AHAHAHAAAAA. WHEN WIZARDS DON’T USE MAGIC, DO THEY ALL FIGHT LIKE PANSIES? JFC. Wizards are total losers. Meanwhile, Arthur’s like “youarenotarousedyouarenotaroused” while watching the two spindly men in his life fight for him.
Sadly, it's all fun and games until someone knocks Arthur over.
Merlin’s actually bigger than Cedric [that happens? Merlin bigger than other people?], so Arthur does the humanitarian thing and steps in to break it up. Because face it, he doesn’t know Cedric is now Sigan and evil. He doesn’t know Merlin’s been blasting the Death Cab and Bright Eyes all night until even the maids have started crying and putting on eyeliner because they can’t shake the emo-tatisc sadness of teenage anguish in their bleeding, broken hearts.
Merlin may be keeping the magic secret, but Colin hasn’t really been keeping the accent secret for basically this entire episode. He’s been called to do a lot more dramatic scenes with talking in them, and so the accent just slips in now and again. I’m going to pretend it’s the Ealdorean accent or something. I’ll rest better that way.
Now that Arthur’s thrown Merlin into the dungeon, Sigan’s gonna make good and rave this city to the ground. He’s got his fabulous black boa cloak, his black-eye contacts, and more abused hair product than you can wave your magic wand at. Uther is starting to realise that bird-like statues are not as cool as he’d thought once they come alive. So, naturally, he sends Arthur to take care of it. Because apparently Uther just ate second-dinner and is too full to be bothered with defending the kingdom. That’s what you have sons for, dammit.
Gaius stops by to say “I told you so” and Uther gets all “no, I tell you NOT so. If I say it’s not happening, it’s not happening. You’re not right, I’m right. There’s no Sigan. And even if there were a sorcerer, Camelot wouldn’t fall to him anyway. Especially is his name were Sigan. Now shut your face.”
What happened to Merlin just quietly being able to unlock doors? Was completely demolishing the door really necessary? Or…well…perhaps he’s figuring he’ll say that a flying monster crawled all the way down to the dungeons and let him out. And then just flew away and let him escape. Like any monster would.
Oh Merlin, you are slyyyyyy.
Super-amazing Moonlit Boobs arrive to save Arthur from one of the monsters. Thank you, Gwen Boobs! Well done! Arthur’s lucky Gwen was already outside with a plank of wood, giving people blows to the head like she enjoys doing in her free time. With Morgana on bedrest, who’s Gwen going to give blows to the head to now? As soon as she saw the first monster, she ran giddily straight home to fetch herself plenty of blunt objects.
<<--[you're special, bb~]
AHAHAHAAAA. NOT RELEVANT TO THE EPISODE: But while the scene of Arthur hitting on Gwen with the “you really surprise me” [you’ll remember this from season one when he used a variation of it on Merlin, “there’s just something about you….”], an ambulance sped up past my window, and for a second I didn’t notice because it’s sort of a hospital/war hospital scene and my mind was like “oh yes, there go the ambulances” until I was like “wait…Jen…there aren’t any ambulances in Camelot.” Then I had to pause the episode just to make sure. And to type this needlessly long and pointless description of the moment.
Moving on…
Meanwhile, as Arthur is hitting on the help, people are being attacked.
Merlin creeps around to see how Arthur's doing.
Oh, he's got ladies. Should be fine. Now, back to saving the day with Gaius.... Saving the day...through pointless short picscpams because ego_chan think's Merlin's actually really handsome in this lighting.
Merlin is just sooo stressed out this episode, guys, Like, guys. What? I spend half the time just wanting to cry for him. The boy has got it rough. This episode feels so much longer just because he is so incredibly stressed out the entire time. Cedric and Sigan are just….not at all good for this poor boy. I didn’t even feel this bad for Merlin back when Arthur was dying last season. I guess because then it was all “what? Arthur’s not going to die, Jesus….” But the threat of Arthur becoming seriously upset and not wanting Merlin near him again for a very long, painful time is much more realistic and likely than either of them dying. I can relate to this fear more, I suppose. In this episode, we can see just how much of a prat Arthur really is in how he treats Merlin after he pushes Merlin mostly out of his inner circle. It’s like Valiant again. Valiant upsets me to watch aswell when Arthur yells at Merlin for making him look like an idiot. However, getting to see Morris again in Valiant was a bonus. NGL.
Anywho, off to the Great Dragon now. I actually spent several minutes between Merlin looking upset and Arthur finding all the dead bodies in the town. Then I had to take another five minute break between this and the Dragon. Because I’m a big baby and had to go listen to some Beyonce and Taylor Swift to calm down because I wanted to cry. I’m further convinced that I could never actually watch an episode of Merlin in real time. Especially if the episodes for this season are all going to be this intense.
I do like that Merlin distrusts the Dragon again. As he ought to have done all along, I say.
AHAHA. OH SIGAN. YOUR FABOULOUS FEATHER CLOAK WAYS HAVE BROUGHT BE BACK FROM THE BRINK OF A MERLIN-INDUCED DEPRESSION. I love your hair. It does not move. And I love your serious voice. You sound so calm and rational for an evil, fabulous sorcerer. “First, I’ll destroy Camelot and then, you know, whuteva. I’ll rule the land or something. I dunno. Who’s gonna stop me?”
Much better than a high-pitched, crazy voice some actors might have gone for. Good on you, Mackenzie.
Leave it to Merlin to make me want to cry again when sounding all miserable but determined when saying how Arthur can never know who Merlin really is. It’s so bromantic. Then, Scent of Sigan comes for him. And although I spoiled my guts out and already know that Merlin is fine, I still freak out when Gaius is wandering out to see if Merlin’s made it, and Merlin has his mean face on. Which frankly, I'm gonna say he never took off since the Cedric debacle started.
Then, for one of the precious few times in the episode, Merlin smiles. However, he’s mostly only ever smiled at Gaius this entire episode. It’s really sort of sad. Merlin has, like, no friends and no life outside Arthur and Gwen. Damn. And Arthur apparently doesn’t even see him as an actual friend in regards to being his equal. Merlin’s just “that cute weirdo I hit on but still feel a little embarrassed to be seen around no matter how many times we’ve saved each other from stuff because, well, have I mentioned he’s weird?”
And then Merlin runs home hiding his tears until he can crank some Foo Foghters. Because not even indie rock or emo-jams can encompass his sorrow. Then Gaius gives him an intimate backrub, makes him some tea, and tells him how Camelot is in peril this week. And Merlin’s all “mhmm, peril…my favourite flavor of fun…” and then goes out to get shit done all by himself.
God. NGL. I probably would have sided with Sigan….
Uther is being a pompous ass about learning from what happened.
“These events prove that I’m right without a doubt,” says Uther.
Gaius’s face is like “wait? wtf? since when have you bee right the entire damn episode?”
But then Uther is like “magic is evil. It is our greatest threat.”
And Gaius is like “yes sire, of course sire.” by which he means “oh wait, I see. You’re just pretending everything else you said in this episode didn’t happen, then. Typical….”
Did Gaius make veggie curry for Merlin to celebrate him saving Camelot? Why is it so orange? It is yams? Carrots? Pumpkin?
Merlin is so happy and sad at the same time when Arthur is telling Merlin in a vague way that Merlin was right. GOD, YOU’RE KILLING ME, MERLZ. And then Arthur needlessly ruins Merlin’s loaf of bread by dumping armour into it. Well, at least Merlin was able to save…the yam/squash veggie curry or whatever that was.
Clotpole. Or whatever. I’m busy freaking out because Merlin looks like a little kid in this scene. I dunno if his hair is just flatter. Perhaps ye ol’ humidity in Camelot has gone down. Whatever. He looks like a kid, though. Which is weird because this man in actually in his twenties. God Colin, you scare me so badly.
My professors only wish I'd devote this much time and hilarity to my classes....
Unlike normal people, I was watching football yesterday and didn't get to see Merlin until this morning. Bc actually, it's almost five in the morning over here. xDxDDDDDD