My….how the mighty of fallen……….
So strict and sensible I’ve always fancied myself. I always imagined myself casting fierce and unforgiving judgement upon those who would wrong me in the world of friendship or romantic relationship. I would simply immediately cast them away without a second thought or consideration. I’m too arrogant to tolerate anything less……or so I thought. We all have those “actions”, that we feel would result in immediately disqualifying someone from your time and affection. We all do don’t we? For some it’s physical violence for some it’s cheating………for some like me it takes MUCH less. Or so we ALL think. Look around us and we see people working through such matters with forgiveness and chances. They have hopes of change and repentance. They make excuses and reinstall trust with little more than blind faith to support it. People don’t change easily, especially adults……….”but for us it will be different”, or so the anthem of denial goes. I'm not making fun of people's choices....for now I see how taxing the matter can be.
So where do you draw the line?
adoration---attachment----infatuation---codependence---obsession------LOVE
What’s the difference between these……..the FACT is that as a matter of semantics and opinion these words can all be the same or different. They are all nothing more than definitions in a dictionary. These things ARE what they ARE………no matter what you call them. There is no definitive be-all-end-all definition for love. Let it be noted that there is negative connotation in some of these words. Let it also be noted that love is not always a good thing……..it brings into play the elements of jealousy, disappointment, betrayal….and so on. I won’t even bother getting into the scientific elements of LOVE….I’ve read entire books on the subject.
So what does it take to fall in love? Years of dedication and trust? I’ve seen such “love “ turn to shit in a matter of seconds from a simple act of infidelity. The fact is for many a person, years of investment have turned into nothing…….before their eyes…..they realize all they thought they had was farce. Do we fool ourselves? Is it so painful to see the truth that we believe and live a lie? Maybe love is nothing more than realizing a inherent and imminent compatibility (whatever that means). ME…..I honestly don’t believe in love. I’ve never so much as even thought that I have been. Many of you out there have thought you were….or maybe you are now. Well who the hell am I to say you aren’t, especially when I can’t even define the word (love).
So now we come to my point. So it has come to be that someone feels they love me very much. It came to be so quickly. Her feelings are in the realm of obsessive. I’ve seen enough “crazy” profession to know the extent of her feelings. Who am I to say her love is not real. At the very least her feelings are. I cannot quantify her feelings though any logic I know of. That said……….it came to be ………….she made a mistake (once). That is human. We all make bad choices and mistakes sometimes. I became that impartial, objective judge I always thought I should be (or so I thought)……….and Juror and executed her from my life. It was nowhere as easy as I had fancied it should have been. Her suffering upsets me. It hurts me to throw away something that I think could have been wonderful. It feels like a waste. Its hard to give up someone so obsessed with being in my life. I feel a little stupid for doing it. I wish I didn’t feel I had to make such a choice….but the fact is I did. I miss her enough to know that I was more attached than I’m willing to admit to myself sometimes. That’s the way it goes though. We never choose between good and bad…….we don’t choose between black and white. I made a choice……….it just felt so very Grey.
Don’t get me wrong………I’m not consistently depressed on the matter. I’m just coping with the aftermath……….too many buts, ifs, coulda, woulda’s.
My logical mind wont give me peace.....too much doubt and even guilt.
Such is life, time marches on……..all we really have is NOW.