The following is what happens when you spend weeks on end without seeing or maintaining contact with another human being (as of late I am getting out though):
To clarify: The cold weather, aside from the high heating bill and dangerous highways does not bother me. However, this time of year does disturb me considering I don’t much care for its pretense. Halmark, Disney, and Warner Brothers may have patent trademarks on love and happiness ever after, but you can’t package and sell kindness and good will towards “all”. People are really the same douches they are all the rest of the year. For the most part real needs and social problems are neglected. Pretense I say? Greed maybe? In and of themselves those two things are tolerable (realistically), however, the magnitude of HYPE (hype is the key) Christmas brings is what I don’t like. After all, it’s supposed to be about something bigger and grander than ourselves: Sacrifice and Giving? Spend $1000 dollars on presents for people who don’t need it, and give one dollar to the person with the bell. Merry Christmas. Someone or other says, “don’t spit on my cupcake and call it frosting.” This all reminds me of a picture I posted long ago. I think some may misconstrue my point and reason for expressing it. I am NOT a humanitarian or a philanthropist. What I am is someone who strives to see the world in real terms, as best my humanistic bias will allow. I try not to think in terms of good or bad. I just try to gain knowledge from that which I perceive.
I speak of mid-life crisis? My first time was in high school…HeHe. I am still surprised to have lived to be as old as I am.
A wild animal at the zoo in captivity I would imagine would experience many “unnatural” feelings like loss of purpose and boredom. They are essentially carefree in the critical sense. Their lives no doubt have SWORDS hanging over their head. Frivolity pains me and them also I imagine. All they worry about if what corner of the cage to stand in, and I have the same problem.
Shuffling around papers and documents making outrageous claims, makes me insane. More and more things in this world seem frivolous to me. It was nothing more than FEAR (mid life crisis) in High School that prompted me get nothing but straight A’s my last 2 years. It was FEAR that made me do the same through much of college. I was afraid of being poor, the way I grew up. I was ACTUALLY afraid I would end up a bum on the street believe it or not. My only point is it seems quite futile in retrospect. As I grow older I wonder if I would be happier as a hobo. My first real job out of college I was making over $11,000 a month (no that is no typo) working for an oil company. Believe me when I say that is not meat to be a boastful remark as it is meant to be…. “SO fucking what”, big deal...comment. It was certainly one of the more miserable times in my life; it was quickly obvious that it was wrong for me. I am ashamed to have turned to that direction. I saw it coming though, I knew where I was headed (did me no good) after school. My last year of college I freaked out, I made a 180 change of pace and became one of the most careless students ever. It was one of the first times in my life that I approached becoming more of who I wanted to be. My mental rebellion was short lived however, and I gave into fear again in the end.
Here now I stand, in a state of having quit an absurd number of jobs, and burned a monumental number of bridges. I feel helpless; I feel out of place, I feel I belong nowhere. I can not justify sacrificing my life to some company-firm-business. I have acquired many a needless possession in my day, and I feel less and less attached to them as time passes. Trust me when I say such a carefree attitude to things has quite a destructive component to it. My fear has changed its nature.
There is certainly an over emphasis in work value in our present society. If I did not know there was an escape from it all, I’d put a bullet in my head.
A while back I mentioned a job I had just got and of course I quit. They were nice people I was working with, however, ultimately I knew I could never be myself around them (not even remotely). It pained me to feign interest and understanding. From their point of view I fit perfectly and they did not want to seem me go. To me none of it was real, and I did what I had to do to survive. I died a little each day, having to work in front of a computer in a cubical all day. It’s something that felt very non-human to me. I realize I had to lie to myself to justify things; I had to fool myself to pacify anguish. This is because ultimately I don’t give a flying fuck about a company’s million dollar contracts, billing hours, or their capacity for future expansion. Unfortunately, my personal time and life will always come first, but therein lies another problem all its own.
I became absorbed into the Baltimore club scene about 5-6 years ago. I was drawn to its mystery, and promise as something new. In retrospect the experience has mostly been gluttonous and shallow. It has served as little more than a DISTRACTION (a very good one) from other more important issues….like omnipresent intergalactic oneness (HA).
The last month has seen me going out a handful of times, and I have admittedly acted a bit insane on a few of those outings. You try and come out of seclusion and chemical abstinence (go to the clubs) and see if crazy you do not act, hehe. We all have our limit. I don’t know yet how good it is to distract myself so. It’s obvious I seek some degree of social connection when I go out, to what extent I can’t tell. I dont know what i want.
My last year in college I was CONVINCED all I wanted in life was a girlfriend and eventually a wife. I knew it was true, just a surely as the sun would rise the next day. In practice, however, I realized that nothing could be farther from the truth. The conviction I thought I held with the matter quickly became dispelled by the reality that I did obviously not want to deal with it. It would be another 4.5 years or so before I would secure anything close to a real romantic relationship. There is a degree of parallelism to the way I view work-career and “romantic relationship”. I have found the matter to be most disappointing, frivolous, and irritating. I however, do not deny the natural impulse, or wishy-washy desire that are apparently present. Regardless of what I think, I do get lonely.
Before anyone bothers to add their advice rest assured I understand and know the solution to all of this. It’s quite simple (you would think) as the problem and solution come from the same source. I shall concoct some droll excuse to justify my existence as it currently rides OR re-evaluate my dealings and seek something I find appealing. Pacify my frustration, make excuses for lack of grandeur, or convince myself who I see in the mirror is someone else, ect. I’ll figure it out; I just need to find the right cliché to set the pace. I’m sure I can find it on a movie poster or car add somewhere, I always do.
So now I wait.