(no subject)
It's my leave tomorrow; an extra day to extend my weekend but I'm afraid I might end up going to the office and working...voluntarily.
I hope this doesn't cause people to exhale deeply or to think I'm throwing a pity party for myself. I'm lonely. again
A few hours back I was exchanging SMS with Nance who's in the US and Kitkat who's only an hour away from my place; our topic which I chose: why I miss them.
I miss them because I had a hard time getting around spending my spare time. I couldn't think of anybody to invite to go out with me. The first dozen or so I texted either didn't reply to me or just annoyed me because I had to explain to them why spending time in a coffee shop then getting a massage is a good way to spend the late afternoon.
That's exactly what I told Nancy - I had a list of activities or things I wanted to do however, I couldn't get anybody interested and I strongly believe I shouldn't convince people that my choices are fun based on the fact that these are the same activities I've been doing since forever...only with my original set of friends.
In Tagalog, ayokong namimilit. I don't want to force somebody or at the very least, convince them to join me. They must automatically share the interest. I don't want somebody walking in the mall with me looking for a good accent piece as gifts when he or she's secretly wishing he or she was somewhere else.
And on top of that I want somebody to be an unlimited source of wit and sarcasm to complement the sugar, caffeine, and nicotine high I'd be creating through the hours.
I couldn't get anybody because I don't want to settle for someone who's either interest but quiet or energetic but half-hearted.
With Kitkat, I realized I was lonely because she asked me if I was. And I am lonely but it's a new variety - the annoyed type and not the boo-hoo-woe-is-me-garden variety.
My job is great, my bank account is not nearing closure like before, I get to go out and eat, drink, buy what I want without hesitating (maybe in this case everything I eat, drink, and buy are cheap), and my social circle is expanding like the hole in the ozone layer - yet I feel lonely.
I told Kitkat I think it's because I never got around looking for kindred spirits - people who I can honestly talk with about life, the shittiness and beauty of human existence, the intricacies of sex and getting some, and everything that falls between black and white.
I therefore conclude that despite my growing success and popularity in my own universe called Angeles (this is no time for false humility), I have failed to cultivate really meaningful relationships like I did in the past.
My new goal in life -- to find kindred from the hundreds of people I know.
I'm resisting the quickly growing urge to reverse engineer my existing relationships with Trixie, Kitkat, Nancy, Grace, and Kenny - to recall how I met each of them and analyze a pattern - because I might risk sabotaging my own project.
Without trying to think too hard, I know all my special friendships share one good thing ---> they were all unplanned and just grew more beautiful and stronger every day.
I hope this doesn't cause people to exhale deeply or to think I'm throwing a pity party for myself. I'm lonely. again
A few hours back I was exchanging SMS with Nance who's in the US and Kitkat who's only an hour away from my place; our topic which I chose: why I miss them.
I miss them because I had a hard time getting around spending my spare time. I couldn't think of anybody to invite to go out with me. The first dozen or so I texted either didn't reply to me or just annoyed me because I had to explain to them why spending time in a coffee shop then getting a massage is a good way to spend the late afternoon.
That's exactly what I told Nancy - I had a list of activities or things I wanted to do however, I couldn't get anybody interested and I strongly believe I shouldn't convince people that my choices are fun based on the fact that these are the same activities I've been doing since forever...only with my original set of friends.
In Tagalog, ayokong namimilit. I don't want to force somebody or at the very least, convince them to join me. They must automatically share the interest. I don't want somebody walking in the mall with me looking for a good accent piece as gifts when he or she's secretly wishing he or she was somewhere else.
And on top of that I want somebody to be an unlimited source of wit and sarcasm to complement the sugar, caffeine, and nicotine high I'd be creating through the hours.
I couldn't get anybody because I don't want to settle for someone who's either interest but quiet or energetic but half-hearted.
With Kitkat, I realized I was lonely because she asked me if I was. And I am lonely but it's a new variety - the annoyed type and not the boo-hoo-woe-is-me-garden variety.
My job is great, my bank account is not nearing closure like before, I get to go out and eat, drink, buy what I want without hesitating (maybe in this case everything I eat, drink, and buy are cheap), and my social circle is expanding like the hole in the ozone layer - yet I feel lonely.
I told Kitkat I think it's because I never got around looking for kindred spirits - people who I can honestly talk with about life, the shittiness and beauty of human existence, the intricacies of sex and getting some, and everything that falls between black and white.
I therefore conclude that despite my growing success and popularity in my own universe called Angeles (this is no time for false humility), I have failed to cultivate really meaningful relationships like I did in the past.
My new goal in life -- to find kindred from the hundreds of people I know.
I'm resisting the quickly growing urge to reverse engineer my existing relationships with Trixie, Kitkat, Nancy, Grace, and Kenny - to recall how I met each of them and analyze a pattern - because I might risk sabotaging my own project.
Without trying to think too hard, I know all my special friendships share one good thing ---> they were all unplanned and just grew more beautiful and stronger every day.