off-center: one helluva long post
This is my second post that started as a comment or a reply to a comment.
Lately, I've been feeling off-center. Not sad...or not entirely sad, angry, confused, or apathetic. Just off...center.
Below are some of the things that make me say I am off center.
1. Spent more than usual...went through my savings just like this.
2. I'd wake up and it's a Monday. I'd be frustrated I spent the weekend (put unsatisfying verb/s here). Then I would vow to do certain things: finish off tasks, read books and printouts, buy something for my self or the house, eat something from somewhere, talk to someone who I haven't spoken to for godknowshowlong by the next weekend.
3. Then I wake up and it's Monday again.
4. I miss my friends and quietly bitch to the universe that my friends should be in the Philippines just because.
5. I have this gnawing feeling that I won't get to meet people as interesting, funny, intelligent, and crazy as the ones I made in my early twenties; hence, I fear unless I leave the Philippines I will have to settle with acquaintance and not true friends.
6. I'm very much aware that I am not exerting any effort to meet new friends or build anything that would vaguely resemble friendship; I have this resigned feeling that I am surrounded by strangers and I don't fit it and that the people around me don't really understand me. It's almost like high school except, I don't that the people around me don't understand me because I don't find anyone (whether I know them or not) as interesting.
7. I blog sporadically. Oh wait, it's been like that since I was right in the center.
8. I don't even write on paper anymore unless it's a work related report or a reminder to pay a certain bill.
9. It's literally been years that I've been in a fight - verbal or otherwise. The most that I've done was reprimand subordinates at work and just left them when I realized that no amount of talk from me will make them any better or at least create the spark to want to be better.
10. I don't think I'm boring. Or bored. Just not productive.
11. I'm not really on workaholic mode because I don't spend as much time in the office anyway.
12. I haven't done anything creative.
13. Omg. I might actually be depressed again. If I am, this variety is better. My last taste of depression was only washed away by the overwhelming degree of surprise I felt when I caught my self thinking of suicide. I'm still too vain to kill my self, be killed, or die before 75. I will die a raisin by 72 or 73 years old. Swear.
14. I don't know what to do. I can't shop because I'm set on eliminating the debt I accumulated this year. I literally have no savings. After two years in the same company, three promotions and two annual increases the only asset I have accumulated is a piece of luggage. Jeez, I probably am depressed because that thought didn't make me sad, angry, or whatever. It's like there's a faucet in me and one gray water drop dripped from it and it made ripples inside. No big bang, no fireworks, no crazy chemical reaction, no visions....just ripples.
15. Maybe I'm just emotionally, creatively, mentally, and sexually constipated. I need an existential laxative. I already had my hair shaved again. Didn't really work. The faucet is still dripping. Maybe I need something new and big to jump-start things inside. I can't switch from being a twink to a tranny-- shaving my legs would be a bitch and I'd have to shop for women's clothing and I hate shopping for anything. Suicide might actually become a attractive if I switch from homo to hetero. Eew. Unemployment was never appealing to begin with. I don't want to join a gang and start indulging my violent side...I don't want to sport an Owen Wilson with the broken nose look. Ugh again. Bitching...but I tried bitching recently and that scared the people around me. As boring as many of them come across, I don't want to resort to talking to myself or inanimate objects during my free time. I can't even cheat. I don't see anyone worth cheating on. Random sexual encounters are just more tedious than before probably because the cute guys now are such wusses. No resistance. I don't get turned on by easy prey. Sigh.
Jeez, I'm so fucked up right now. In a...gray drop of water creating ripples inside my body sort of way. Oh great Universe, I hope you read my blog or at least have friends who read it, please send a great existential laxative my way quickly but please make it quick and painless. No nega stuff ha. I know na. Send me a muse. Inspire me! Excite me! Stimulate me! Gray is only good as accent color, I cannot have it as the theme of my life.
Lately, I've been feeling off-center. Not sad...or not entirely sad, angry, confused, or apathetic. Just off...center.
Below are some of the things that make me say I am off center.
1. Spent more than usual...went through my savings just like this.
2. I'd wake up and it's a Monday. I'd be frustrated I spent the weekend (put unsatisfying verb/s here). Then I would vow to do certain things: finish off tasks, read books and printouts, buy something for my self or the house, eat something from somewhere, talk to someone who I haven't spoken to for godknowshowlong by the next weekend.
3. Then I wake up and it's Monday again.
4. I miss my friends and quietly bitch to the universe that my friends should be in the Philippines just because.
5. I have this gnawing feeling that I won't get to meet people as interesting, funny, intelligent, and crazy as the ones I made in my early twenties; hence, I fear unless I leave the Philippines I will have to settle with acquaintance and not true friends.
6. I'm very much aware that I am not exerting any effort to meet new friends or build anything that would vaguely resemble friendship; I have this resigned feeling that I am surrounded by strangers and I don't fit it and that the people around me don't really understand me. It's almost like high school except, I don't that the people around me don't understand me because I don't find anyone (whether I know them or not) as interesting.
7. I blog sporadically. Oh wait, it's been like that since I was right in the center.
8. I don't even write on paper anymore unless it's a work related report or a reminder to pay a certain bill.
9. It's literally been years that I've been in a fight - verbal or otherwise. The most that I've done was reprimand subordinates at work and just left them when I realized that no amount of talk from me will make them any better or at least create the spark to want to be better.
10. I don't think I'm boring. Or bored. Just not productive.
11. I'm not really on workaholic mode because I don't spend as much time in the office anyway.
12. I haven't done anything creative.
13. Omg. I might actually be depressed again. If I am, this variety is better. My last taste of depression was only washed away by the overwhelming degree of surprise I felt when I caught my self thinking of suicide. I'm still too vain to kill my self, be killed, or die before 75. I will die a raisin by 72 or 73 years old. Swear.
14. I don't know what to do. I can't shop because I'm set on eliminating the debt I accumulated this year. I literally have no savings. After two years in the same company, three promotions and two annual increases the only asset I have accumulated is a piece of luggage. Jeez, I probably am depressed because that thought didn't make me sad, angry, or whatever. It's like there's a faucet in me and one gray water drop dripped from it and it made ripples inside. No big bang, no fireworks, no crazy chemical reaction, no visions....just ripples.
15. Maybe I'm just emotionally, creatively, mentally, and sexually constipated. I need an existential laxative. I already had my hair shaved again. Didn't really work. The faucet is still dripping. Maybe I need something new and big to jump-start things inside. I can't switch from being a twink to a tranny-- shaving my legs would be a bitch and I'd have to shop for women's clothing and I hate shopping for anything. Suicide might actually become a attractive if I switch from homo to hetero. Eew. Unemployment was never appealing to begin with. I don't want to join a gang and start indulging my violent side...I don't want to sport an Owen Wilson with the broken nose look. Ugh again. Bitching...but I tried bitching recently and that scared the people around me. As boring as many of them come across, I don't want to resort to talking to myself or inanimate objects during my free time. I can't even cheat. I don't see anyone worth cheating on. Random sexual encounters are just more tedious than before probably because the cute guys now are such wusses. No resistance. I don't get turned on by easy prey. Sigh.
Jeez, I'm so fucked up right now. In a...gray drop of water creating ripples inside my body sort of way. Oh great Universe, I hope you read my blog or at least have friends who read it, please send a great existential laxative my way quickly but please make it quick and painless. No nega stuff ha. I know na. Send me a muse. Inspire me! Excite me! Stimulate me! Gray is only good as accent color, I cannot have it as the theme of my life.