Praying, loving, falling, being
A reader just advised me to pray after reading my last post.
I thanked her and I meant it.
But I do feel misunderstood. But feeling misunderstood at 28 is completely different from feeling misunderstood at, say, 21.
No anger, no curses to be thrown like daggers, no venom to be spewed with haste and conviction. A hum, a sigh, and a dash of existential amusement. I don't even know how to define existential amusement.
Being misunderstood at 28 turns me into a wordsmith who swiftly sew words together when regular words and phrases seem to insufficient and explaining things.
To start with, I am not a fan of unsolicited advice. They're like spoken junk mail. They clutter my life and really serve no purpose. However, if one deletes spam, the spammer won't cry "Meanie!" or mutter "ungrateful jerk" under their breath unlike when one dismisses unsolicited advice.
I feel misunderstood because maybe the lovely person who advised me to commune with God (or most likely others who don't know me) thinks that:
a) I don't pray to God
b) I pray to God but he ignores me
c) I need to pray harder
d) Whatever I wrote in my last post was my desperate call for help
Again, I'm just guessing here. Or I'm treating her like a blank screen for me to project some psychological shit I have. No. I'm just using her kind act as a tool to segue to a more interesting territory (faith and prayers).
I don't think I've ever posted anything about my faith, spirituality, or even my take on praying.
To answer the list I wrote above:
a) I pray to God. I just never tell people when and why.
b) I actually think I'm one of God's favorites. Not because I get everything I pray for but because I continue to exist. Nuff said.
c) Other people can count Amens and Holy Marys but I don't think prayer can be quantified. I don't believe that 3 Our Fathers is better than 1 Holy Mary. But I do believe we pray as many times as we can and want to calm ourselves down and vainly try to believe that we can bribe a Supreme Being with prayers.
Prayer is like love -- there's no existing measurement system that can measure it in units. To do so would be a classic example of a futile act.
d) My post was just me being me: having less emotional baggage than others and less desire for external validation or need to proofread = a long post about mostly mundane things that seem to generate some amount of curiousity or reaction from others. When I fall and hit my head somewhere hard, I deal with it. It's my belief that God or whoever is there in the ether does not like crybabies. My last post was long, verbose, and whiny. However, I never asked for help. Attention is always nice but help for something I believe I can fix or handle is not something I would solicit from anyone.
I'm like girl when it comes to certain things...just hear me out and I'll be ok. When I make noise, listen. But I will not obligate anyone to save me. I can save my self thank you very much. And when I can't, then I pray. Silently. Alone. Unexplained.
To the person who advised me to pray, thank you. You know who you are. I replied to your email right? I am not being tampo ha? You just gave me a good reason to (hopefully) artfully insert my position on less mundane things like prayer, faith, and God. Thank you for reading my blog. Mwah!
Tell me readers. How did this post feel OR make you feel?
I thanked her and I meant it.
But I do feel misunderstood. But feeling misunderstood at 28 is completely different from feeling misunderstood at, say, 21.
No anger, no curses to be thrown like daggers, no venom to be spewed with haste and conviction. A hum, a sigh, and a dash of existential amusement. I don't even know how to define existential amusement.
Being misunderstood at 28 turns me into a wordsmith who swiftly sew words together when regular words and phrases seem to insufficient and explaining things.
To start with, I am not a fan of unsolicited advice. They're like spoken junk mail. They clutter my life and really serve no purpose. However, if one deletes spam, the spammer won't cry "Meanie!" or mutter "ungrateful jerk" under their breath unlike when one dismisses unsolicited advice.
I feel misunderstood because maybe the lovely person who advised me to commune with God (or most likely others who don't know me) thinks that:
a) I don't pray to God
b) I pray to God but he ignores me
c) I need to pray harder
d) Whatever I wrote in my last post was my desperate call for help
Again, I'm just guessing here. Or I'm treating her like a blank screen for me to project some psychological shit I have. No. I'm just using her kind act as a tool to segue to a more interesting territory (faith and prayers).
I don't think I've ever posted anything about my faith, spirituality, or even my take on praying.
To answer the list I wrote above:
a) I pray to God. I just never tell people when and why.
b) I actually think I'm one of God's favorites. Not because I get everything I pray for but because I continue to exist. Nuff said.
c) Other people can count Amens and Holy Marys but I don't think prayer can be quantified. I don't believe that 3 Our Fathers is better than 1 Holy Mary. But I do believe we pray as many times as we can and want to calm ourselves down and vainly try to believe that we can bribe a Supreme Being with prayers.
Prayer is like love -- there's no existing measurement system that can measure it in units. To do so would be a classic example of a futile act.
d) My post was just me being me: having less emotional baggage than others and less desire for external validation or need to proofread = a long post about mostly mundane things that seem to generate some amount of curiousity or reaction from others. When I fall and hit my head somewhere hard, I deal with it. It's my belief that God or whoever is there in the ether does not like crybabies. My last post was long, verbose, and whiny. However, I never asked for help. Attention is always nice but help for something I believe I can fix or handle is not something I would solicit from anyone.
I'm like girl when it comes to certain things...just hear me out and I'll be ok. When I make noise, listen. But I will not obligate anyone to save me. I can save my self thank you very much. And when I can't, then I pray. Silently. Alone. Unexplained.
To the person who advised me to pray, thank you. You know who you are. I replied to your email right? I am not being tampo ha? You just gave me a good reason to (hopefully) artfully insert my position on less mundane things like prayer, faith, and God. Thank you for reading my blog. Mwah!
Tell me readers. How did this post feel OR make you feel?