Brigit's Flame Entry Week 2

[eiremauve]

Title: Sacrifice
Author: eiremauve
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Violence, disturbing images
Word Count: 122
Prompt: Every family has its secrets
A/N: Loosely inspired by a story in Herodotus, about Babylon's revolt.

Comments

[leticiae]

What a horrible story! I've always said that things now are not near as inhumane as they were in ages past. That's not to forgive present atrocities, but rather to show that human ideologies rarely change. Look what's happened with the girls in China for instance... but I'm digressing. That shows how powerful this story was. It made me think of so much more.

What a haunting poem. Well done.

[eiremauve]

Thank you very much! Glad it made you think.

[keppiehed]

The last line was a very strong one to end on! A very good choice, and one that lends even more gravity to an already haunting story.

[eiremauve]

Thank you very much! Glad you liked the last line.

[belluminabyssus]

I really loved your idea -- it worked nicely with the prompt and was rather unexpected, so nice job!

I do think that some of your lines are a little awkward. These lines in particular show that: "They wanted to revolt,
and for in the enevitable seige,
it was decided to murder us,
because we would waste resources,"

Aside from the spelling error (enevitable should be inevitable), "it was decided to murder us because we would waste resources" is murky even in prose, but in poetry it simply sounds stilted. In your poetry you seem to do a lot of "telling". It also doesn't help that "it was decided to murder us" is passive voice and sounds awkward no matter where it's said, but I think you could examine this poem more closely and find ways to say the same things with more elegance. I did, however, LOVE the first line, which I think worked wonderfully and it drew me in straight away!

[eiremauve]

Thank you for the edit!

[merthin]

Well, I'd certainly be haunted with nightmares forever. Just reading it may well leave a residue. ;-) Good take on the prompt.

[eiremauve]

Thank you very much!

dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[bardiphouka]

I can only guess one of two things..that you were caught up in the horror of this story (which is quite understandable) or you were trying for a sort of voice that might have fit into the time period.

Alas, what we are left with is a sort of stilted working of the stanzas. I think a good deal of improvement could be accomplished just by a different use of punctuation, and perhaps by rearranging some of the lines? Just saying.

Re: dodos rolling out the edit wagon,he pauses

[eiremauve]

Thanks for the edit! I will try rearranging things and see what happens.