Oblivious, SK oneshot
Fandom: South Park
Pairing: Stan/Kyle
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyle just can't make Stan understand his true unyielding feelings.
Notes: Oh my god, this is either a total cliché crap or an ingenious parody. It's up to you to decide.
Oblivious
Kyle had the worst luck when it came to the people he cared about.
For some reason, he always seemed to pick out people that were completely oblivious in some areas of life. He didn’t know how it was possible, or were his social tastes just so damn horrible, but all of his friends, acquaintances, even teachers, were just so stupid that it hurt sometimes. Had there been an exam on life, they had all failed it in one way or another.
Case one: Kenny McCormick.
Nice, quirky, possessed a bit strange sense of humour, but sensitive and really kind when the situation demanded it. The problem: Kenny had no freaking sense of keeping his mouth shut. It seemed that by his logic, when you die all the time, there is no such thing as self-censor. Where’s the fun in that if you die all the time before you get to say the things you’ve wanted to say? And so, Kenny had the habit of blurting out every single thing that entered his mind, in spite of the company or something called “behaving oneself”. Example one: during their first visit to the new North Park library Kenny had headed straight to the porn section and pointed out that there was no lesbian porn in the collection. Unfortunately, Kyle had been standing in the other side of the shelf, and Kenny had shouted this remark. They had been thrown out in mere five minutes and had received a kind notice to never enter the building again.
Kyle cared about Kenny, he really did. Kenny was one of the best friends he had ever had, but sometimes... Sometimes...
Why couldn’t Kenny just keep his big mouth shut?
Case two: Butters Stotch.
Kind, funny, loyal, a bit too naïve and a bit too trusting, but strong-willed and prepared to stand for his beliefs when he wanted. The problem: Butters had no idea what “parental love” really meant. Terms like Stockholm syndrome and abuse and healthy amount of freedom were dead to him - he defended his parents on every single occasion and couldn’t comprehend what they were doing wrong. Example two: when Butters’s parents had beaten him up for the umpteenth time and Kyle had been standing right next to them, seeing all that, Butters had begged of Kyle not to call the police. Kyle had. The outcome of the situation was a grounded-for-life Butters, almost-deaf-for-being-shouted-at Kyle, arrested-for-Christ-knew-how-long Mr. And Mrs. Stotch and horrified-and-angry-because-her-son-hadn’t-called-back Mrs. Broflovski. Needless to say, Butters himself was pissed at Kyle for some time, until he finally forgave Kyle and they moved on.
Kyle was really scared for Butters sometimes, he really was. Butters was too good a person to be living under the same roof of those two abusers. Why... why couldn’t Butters just come out of his illusion and finally realise that what his parents did to him was not healthy or even normal under any circumstances?
Case two point one: Mr./Ms. Garrison. Unable to decide should he/she be a man or woman, lesbian, homosexual male or transvestite or transsexual or pansexual or, in the best case, asexual. Case two point two: Eric Cartman. Incapable of human emotions, possibly a diagnosed sociopath. Case two point three...
Actually, there was no point in listing all those fucked up personalities surrounding Kyle. The only interesting part of the list was number three-
Case three: Stanley Marsh.
Sensible, tender, friendly, probably possessed the most of common sense in the whole South Park town. A tad too romantic, in fact, and sensitive to the point of being a cry-baby. Nevertheless, Stan Marsh was the only person in South Park Kyle really could rely on and the only reason he was attending South Park High School at the moment. It had always been that way; it was Stan and Kyle, Kyle and Stan, together, inseparable, best friends since birth. Example three point one: Kyle hadn’t been able to bear the thought of being in different school than Stan, even if Middle Park High School ranked higher. Kyle’s mother and father had been shocked when Kyle had told them that he wanted to attend a school that couldn’t - and wouldn’t - educate him to his best.
And yet, Stan Marsh was completely unaware of this.
Example three point two: On Stan’s seventeenth birthday, Kyle had spent all his savings to buy that new Wii.version.twelve.underline.two game console and the two games Stan had been drooling for a year. Stan had thanked him, had been really grateful and commented, “Cool! Now we can kick Kenny’s and Butters’s asses in Guitar Hero Seventeen, huh, Kyle?”
It felt nice to know that Stan had thought the game console to be for both of them, so that they now shared it, but...
Was Stan really oblivious to the fact that Kyle only bought the game because Stan liked it? Not because Kyle himself liked it?
Example three point three: One rainy day at school Stan had his last period cancelled, and could’ve gone home without Kyle. Stan had, though, complained about the rain, and that was when Kyle borrowed his umbrella, claiming that his mother would pick him up anyway and there was no need for the thing. Stan had thanked, waved and left, leaving Kyle for his last lesson. Kyle had walked home that day and gotten soaked in the rain.
Stan had returned the umbrella next day, completely forgetting the fact that Kyle’s mother was visiting some random distant cousins in Denver that week and hadn’t been there during the whole episode. Kyle never said a thing.
Example three point four... Or, actually, the list of examples could go on to infinity when it came to Stan Marsh. The bottom line was that Kyle Broflovski was head over heels in love with his best friend, and the said stupid best friend of his was just too damn oblivious to that. No amount of time Kyle dedicated to him, no amount of looks and frustrated moans sent to his direction, no amount of subtle touches made him realise such a simple thing. Even if Kyle had ran down the main aisle of school, wearing pink from head to toe and shouting, “I love Stanley Marsh!”, Stan still wouldn’t have gotten it. He was just stupid like that.
Ironically, that was one of the things Kyle liked about Stan as well. It was actually... cute (Jesus, how gay that sounded!) how Kyle could hug Stan from behind all he wanted, and Stan never questioned it. It was cute how he could “accidentally” make their fingers brush or even hold jokingly the other’s hand, and Stan always just shrugged and said, “It’s cool, man.” It was cute how Kenny blurted out, for the hundredth time, that Kyle was acting like they were dating, and Stan always just laughed and ruffled Kyle’s mess of hair and said that Kyle was just messing around, like usual, and how it was their own private joke.
And, sadly, that was probably all Stan ever thought about their relation. It was a joke. It was just platonic friendship. It was just his and Kyle’s way of showing how close they were, when they could comfortably make jokes about their friendship - and that was all. Kyle could still recall that horribly awkward conversation between the four of them - Stan, Kenny, Butters and him - back in junior high, when Kenny had once blurted out how “gay it looks when two guys hug... oh yeah, waitaminnit, were you guys straight again?” Kyle now cursed himself to hell for convincing Stan, himself, Butters and Kenny that it was just joke. An inside joke. Nothing else. That time, it had been that way to him, too - now it was way more. If he hadn’t been so convincing back then, if Stan hadn’t been so sure in his retorts... Maybe Kyle would’ve had bit more confidence about bringing up the changed situation. Alas, he had to settle for subtle hints, which just wouldn’t work on such a thick person as Stan.
Trust Kyle to rely on that infallible logic of his that he found it impossible to think of a different approach.
But then, fortunately for Kyle, there was that famous turn of events. All thanks to Kenny McCormick and his big, unstoppable mouth.
“Write it,” Kenny said aloud. Kyle looked up from his notes, giving Kenny a strange look. Kenny patiently repeated, “Write it.”
“I am. You’re the one who’s not taking any notes.”
“I’m not talking about physics. You know how much I loathe these useless lessons,” Kenny repeated, still very calmly. “I’m talking about you and your unyielding love to Stan.”
Kyle’s face turned to fuchsia red in one second. “Thereisnosuchathing.”
Kenny smiled, amused. “Kyle, you are the worst liar in the world. No use trying something when you simply suck at it.”
“Go to hell.”
“I will, probably after my last lesson.” Kyle rubbed his temples; Kenny’s unwavering answers about afterlife always gave him a headache. Kenny looked unfazed. “And, as I was saying, write it.”
“Write what?” Kyle growled, giving up the idea of paying the slightest attention to poor Mrs. Hanson and her trembling voice. Kenny clicked his tongue.
“Your confession, of course. If Stan is too stupid to understand the usual communication between human beings, that is to say, communicating through words (in other words, talking), write it down to him.”
Kyle blinked. Kenny was the only person he knew that could actually be heard using semicolons or brackets. Sometimes it was actually hard to believe that Kenny hardly ever thought about what he was saying, when his thoughts were voiced so clearly and rationally.
“You mean...”
“Write him a letter. Even he can’t be that stupid. And if he is, at least he has time to spell that out himself, as understanding talking would be too much for him.”
“Stop mocking Stan, he’s not... that... stupid,” Kyle finished lamely. Actually, Stan was that stupid. But only socially. Kenny grinned, knowing full well what Kyle was thinking right now.
Then Kyle shook his head. “I can’t.”
Kenny blinked. “Why?”
“Because... he’s Stan. My best friend.”
“Best friends make the best lovers, and vice versa,” Kenny shrugged. “C’mon, Kyle, you know as well as I do that Stan would never, under any circumstances (e.g. would you even grow another head or lose your ability to talk, or convert to Wicca), abandon you. He’d rather commit a suicide than lose you.”
“You... make it sound so gay.”
“Which, incidentally, you are.”
“Shut up.”
Kenny grinned again; from Kyle’s thoughtful look he gathered that Kyle already knew that Stan wouldn’t ever reject him - whichever way interpreted - and was just running out of excuses. Kenny leant backwards in his chair.
“Then get to it, Romeo,” he added, stretching his arms and grinning widely. Kyle glared at him, then shrugged and focused his attention once again to physics. Though, even if his hand was writing and he was outwardly paying attention, his mind was elsewhere.
Dear Stan...
Nah, too gay.
Stan...
Too usual.
To Stanley Marsh...
Too much irony.
Dear receiver...
Too dumb.
And by the end of the lesson, his notes were hardly talking about physics anymore; all Kyle had written was along the lines of “Stanstanstanstan” and “letterletterletter”.
***
Scene one: handing the letter personally.
“What this?” Stan asked right away when the letter had been pressed to his hand. Kyle refused to look Stan in the eye.
“It’s... uh... just read it.”
Stan furrowed his brows, a bit concerned about Kyle’s state of health (his face was burning in all different types of red, after all), but decided to do as told. He read the letter, making Kyle more nervous by every passing second, since he was much slower to read than Kyle, and when it seemed to Kyle that he was too horrified to answer, the result was nothing else than panic. Finally, Stan lifted his eyes from the letter to Kyle. Kyle couldn’t breathe.
Stan raised one eyebrow. “I already knew that, but thanks anyway, man.” He handed the letter back to Kyle, who took it, dumbfounded. “You’re so odd sometimes. Hey, did you do your Math homework? Could I pretty please copy some of your answers? Tyson’s gonna murder me if I haven’t yet again completed even one of the problems...”
Nod, nod, handing of the said homework, nod, nod, another nod. What... what had just happened? Was it that hard to interpret the phrase “I care more about you than anyone else in the world” the right way? Or was Stan just that incapable of understanding romantic feelings?
Poor Kenny, though. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut about the matter, naturally, and when he innocently asked Kyle how was the romance of lifetime processing, he got punched straight in the gut and choked on his own tongue. Thus, he did indeed go to hell after his last lesson.
***
Scene two: making someone else do the dirty job.
“Why me?” Butters whined. “Why me, Kyle? After all, it’s your gay interest we’re talking about.”
“Shut up, Butters,” Kyle snapped. Even if he normally preferred this “new” Butters that could actually talk without stuttering and voice his opinions clearly and had a spine of his own, this one time he really missed that young Butters that naïvely did whatever he was told to do. “Just... do this for me. You owe me from... uh, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Butters replied, more bored than scared. Kyle raised his brows; how could one not be scared when he was facing the threat of having the whole school know that he liked to cross-dress? Pushing that disturbing thought aside, Kyle concentrated on his oncoming headache and giving Butters the instructions.
“Just-just tell him the speech I told you. And give him this.”
Butters took the short note and gave Kyle an unimpressed look. “And this is your whole plan?”
Kyle groaned. “So?”
“No reason,” Butters shook his head. “Fine, I’ll do it. Just don’t expect me to go that far as to convince him being gay by setting an example-”
“Don’t you dare touch him!”
Butters giggled. “Relax, I was just joking! I’ll call you later!” He waved and left, leaving Kyle to wonder just when had he turned into such a hopeless case that he was actually jealous of Butters... He sighed, rubbed his temples again and turned to his homework. The mobile phone he had placed on his table was annoyingly reminding him of what Butters was now about to do. Any minute now...
Kyle waited.
And waited.
Waited.
Still waited.
Waited.
(Did you actually expect the verb to change?)
And then, Butters finally called. Kyle answered the phone so eagerly that he dropped his homework in the process and the papers formed a not-so-neat-as-Kyle-was-used-to pile of miscellaneous rubbish.
“Well?” he asked, not even bothering to give Butters a proper hello.
“Well what?” Kyle knew Butters good enough to know that he was probably pursing his lips right now. Kyle closed his eyes.
“What did... how did he...?”
“Stan,” Butters emphasized, “said that he doesn’t care either way if you’re straight or gay or bisexual. You’re still his official best friend forever.”
Kyle couldn’t say anything for a minute.
“He didn’t understand that?”
“Look, Kyle,” Butters interrupted, “Stan isn’t going to get it until you tell him it directly. He just looked at that note and shrugged. Even if I tried to explain that perhaps that wasn’t what you were implying in that note, he didn’t-”
“The bastard didn’t understand THAT!” Kyle fumed. “That idiot-I’m fucking going to kill him-Seriously! That idiot!” Butters muttered something, and remembering him, Kyle quickly added, “Thanks anyway, Butters, now we’re even, see you tomorrow at school, bye.”
“Bye,” Butters dryly replied before Kyle closed his phone and angrily threw the wholly innocent device to the wall. Not even noticing when his mother yelled from downstairs and asked about the noise, Kyle turned to his notebook, ripped out a page and started to scribble his thoughts down to it.
Even so stupid person as Stan wouldn’t be able to overlook the most clichéd line ever: I love you. Tomorrow that asshole was really going to get it.
***
Scene three: letting the cat out of the bag and throwing the bag and the cat to that certain someone’s face.
“Stan, can I talk to you?”
Stan glanced at Kyle, still distracted by his conversation with Craig. “Wait a second, okay?” He turned back to Craig. “And, yeah, as I was saying, that episode truly kicked ass...”
“I know, dude! Did you see the part where-”
“Stan,” Kyle whined. Stan rolled his eyes.
“Can’t it wait a little, Kyle?”
“I...”
The bell rang. Craig and Stan finished their conversation about whatever series they were talking about and turned to leave. Kyle tapped Stan to the shoulder to gain his attention.
“Uh, Kyle, my Chemistry lesson-”
“I know, but this is important.”
“Look, Kyle, this lesson really is important, I can’t be late!” Stan looked at Kyle, who was starting to pout. Stan sighed. “Meet me at Stark’s Pond after school?”
“Okay,” Kyle huffed. Stan nodded, and then was already on his way. Kyle stared after Stan and the way his bag kept bouncing against his thigh; when Stan disappeared from sight, Kyle turned to leave to the pond, completely forgetting that he was supposed to be sitting in the History class right now.
He waited for considerably long time, and his toes were already freezing and his fingers shaking when Stan finally appeared. Stan shot Kyle a confused look.
“How did you get here so fast?”
“Left early,” Kyle muttered. He massaged his fingers, trying to revive them from that frozen state they already were in. “Listen, Stan, there’s something I really, really need to tell you...”
“Yeah?”
Kyle gulped, pulled out the letter from his pocket and gave it to Stan. “Read it.”
Stan sighed, but took the paper nonetheless. “Not this again, dude, I know you’re concerned since this is our last year in school and we’re heading for different universities after that and all that crap about drifting apart, but you should know by now that we’re cool, we’re super best friends, and there’s no need to-”
“Just-read-it!” Kyle growled, unable to hide his anticipation. Stan murmured something, read the few lines the letter consisted, and looked at Kyle uncertainly. Kyle stared right back at him.
“Um, Kyle, yeah, I know that we’re best friends, there’s no need to remind me of that in... such a gay way.”
“Jesus, Stan, don’t you really get it?” Kyle shouted, scaring the nearby birds away. Stan’s eyes went wide. “Stanley Marsh, I’m fucking in love with you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you and adopt kids with you and live in a big house by the lake!”
“Um, Kyle, you know, that sounded a bit-no, a lot gayer than you mean it-”
Kyle grabbed Stan by shoulders and shook him. “I-AM-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU! Is it really that hard to understand?”
“Well, maybe it is!” Stan shook Kyle off, taking few steps back. “I know that, dude, stop rubbing it to my face! I’ve known that ever since you first started to give me that puppy-eyed look! I fucking know!”
“For fuck’s sake, then why didn’t you just say anything?” Kyle snapped, his face turning slowly but surely to red, and not just because of angriness. “Here I’ve been acting like an idiot, shoving you with hints and secret notes and all that stupid stuff, and now you suddenly tell me that you’ve known all along?”
“Maybe because I was just waiting for the perfect moment to tell you that I feel the same freaking way!” Stan was now shouting too, scaring the rest of the birds away. The boys glared at each other, fists raised, trembling from anger. “I-you-you are so fucking oblivious of something called romance! Fuck you, Kyle, you’re doing it totally wrong! You’re supposed to angst over your unconditional love far longer time and fear that you might destroy our friendship, and all that stuff!”
“Well, maybe that’s because I’m not worried! We’ve been best friends since kindergarten - why do you think we’re still that way, huh? It’s called trust, you uneducated idiot!”
Stan took a deep breath. “You... you... gah! You idiot! You’ve done it again, ruined the perfect moment!”
“There is no such a thing as ‘perfect moment’! That only exists in sappy movies and crappy books!”
“YOU NEVER GAVE ME THE CHANCE!”
“YOU NEVER TOOK MY HINT!”
“KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF ROMANCE!”
“STANLEY MARSH, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO COMMON SENSE!”
“Fuck you!”
“Yes, please,” Kyle growled, stepped forward and forcefully kissed Stan, who instantly returned the kiss with the same force and eagerness. After few moments of intense tongue battling, they parted, still grasping each others’ sleeves and glaring each other - only this time with a hint of humour.
“There, you see, there’s no need for a romantic candlelight dinners or snowfall or shooting stars,” Kyle grimaced. “I hate those things, anyway.”
“You’re... Kyle... You’re just so goddamn sensible! Get a freaking sense of humour!”
“And you should get a freaking sense of realism,” Kyle retorted with the same glint in his eyes. “Jesus, dude, I don’t want to be treated like a girl or like some Big Gay Al-wannabe...”
“You are, already,” Stan smiled. “But still, you’re not half bad.”
“Shut up.”
And Stan did.
***
Experiment one: put two equally socially dumb people together. Progression example one: two idiots trying to figure out how and what to say to each other. Test result: success, complete happiness and a pair of idiots who compliment each other perfectly.
End of experiment one.
Pairing: Stan/Kyle
Rating: PG
Summary: Kyle just can't make Stan understand his true unyielding feelings.
Notes: Oh my god, this is either a total cliché crap or an ingenious parody. It's up to you to decide.
Oblivious
Kyle had the worst luck when it came to the people he cared about.
For some reason, he always seemed to pick out people that were completely oblivious in some areas of life. He didn’t know how it was possible, or were his social tastes just so damn horrible, but all of his friends, acquaintances, even teachers, were just so stupid that it hurt sometimes. Had there been an exam on life, they had all failed it in one way or another.
Case one: Kenny McCormick.
Nice, quirky, possessed a bit strange sense of humour, but sensitive and really kind when the situation demanded it. The problem: Kenny had no freaking sense of keeping his mouth shut. It seemed that by his logic, when you die all the time, there is no such thing as self-censor. Where’s the fun in that if you die all the time before you get to say the things you’ve wanted to say? And so, Kenny had the habit of blurting out every single thing that entered his mind, in spite of the company or something called “behaving oneself”. Example one: during their first visit to the new North Park library Kenny had headed straight to the porn section and pointed out that there was no lesbian porn in the collection. Unfortunately, Kyle had been standing in the other side of the shelf, and Kenny had shouted this remark. They had been thrown out in mere five minutes and had received a kind notice to never enter the building again.
Kyle cared about Kenny, he really did. Kenny was one of the best friends he had ever had, but sometimes... Sometimes...
Why couldn’t Kenny just keep his big mouth shut?
Case two: Butters Stotch.
Kind, funny, loyal, a bit too naïve and a bit too trusting, but strong-willed and prepared to stand for his beliefs when he wanted. The problem: Butters had no idea what “parental love” really meant. Terms like Stockholm syndrome and abuse and healthy amount of freedom were dead to him - he defended his parents on every single occasion and couldn’t comprehend what they were doing wrong. Example two: when Butters’s parents had beaten him up for the umpteenth time and Kyle had been standing right next to them, seeing all that, Butters had begged of Kyle not to call the police. Kyle had. The outcome of the situation was a grounded-for-life Butters, almost-deaf-for-being-shouted-at Kyle, arrested-for-Christ-knew-how-long Mr. And Mrs. Stotch and horrified-and-angry-because-her-son-hadn’t-called-back Mrs. Broflovski. Needless to say, Butters himself was pissed at Kyle for some time, until he finally forgave Kyle and they moved on.
Kyle was really scared for Butters sometimes, he really was. Butters was too good a person to be living under the same roof of those two abusers. Why... why couldn’t Butters just come out of his illusion and finally realise that what his parents did to him was not healthy or even normal under any circumstances?
Case two point one: Mr./Ms. Garrison. Unable to decide should he/she be a man or woman, lesbian, homosexual male or transvestite or transsexual or pansexual or, in the best case, asexual. Case two point two: Eric Cartman. Incapable of human emotions, possibly a diagnosed sociopath. Case two point three...
Actually, there was no point in listing all those fucked up personalities surrounding Kyle. The only interesting part of the list was number three-
Case three: Stanley Marsh.
Sensible, tender, friendly, probably possessed the most of common sense in the whole South Park town. A tad too romantic, in fact, and sensitive to the point of being a cry-baby. Nevertheless, Stan Marsh was the only person in South Park Kyle really could rely on and the only reason he was attending South Park High School at the moment. It had always been that way; it was Stan and Kyle, Kyle and Stan, together, inseparable, best friends since birth. Example three point one: Kyle hadn’t been able to bear the thought of being in different school than Stan, even if Middle Park High School ranked higher. Kyle’s mother and father had been shocked when Kyle had told them that he wanted to attend a school that couldn’t - and wouldn’t - educate him to his best.
And yet, Stan Marsh was completely unaware of this.
Example three point two: On Stan’s seventeenth birthday, Kyle had spent all his savings to buy that new Wii.version.twelve.underline.two game console and the two games Stan had been drooling for a year. Stan had thanked him, had been really grateful and commented, “Cool! Now we can kick Kenny’s and Butters’s asses in Guitar Hero Seventeen, huh, Kyle?”
It felt nice to know that Stan had thought the game console to be for both of them, so that they now shared it, but...
Was Stan really oblivious to the fact that Kyle only bought the game because Stan liked it? Not because Kyle himself liked it?
Example three point three: One rainy day at school Stan had his last period cancelled, and could’ve gone home without Kyle. Stan had, though, complained about the rain, and that was when Kyle borrowed his umbrella, claiming that his mother would pick him up anyway and there was no need for the thing. Stan had thanked, waved and left, leaving Kyle for his last lesson. Kyle had walked home that day and gotten soaked in the rain.
Stan had returned the umbrella next day, completely forgetting the fact that Kyle’s mother was visiting some random distant cousins in Denver that week and hadn’t been there during the whole episode. Kyle never said a thing.
Example three point four... Or, actually, the list of examples could go on to infinity when it came to Stan Marsh. The bottom line was that Kyle Broflovski was head over heels in love with his best friend, and the said stupid best friend of his was just too damn oblivious to that. No amount of time Kyle dedicated to him, no amount of looks and frustrated moans sent to his direction, no amount of subtle touches made him realise such a simple thing. Even if Kyle had ran down the main aisle of school, wearing pink from head to toe and shouting, “I love Stanley Marsh!”, Stan still wouldn’t have gotten it. He was just stupid like that.
Ironically, that was one of the things Kyle liked about Stan as well. It was actually... cute (Jesus, how gay that sounded!) how Kyle could hug Stan from behind all he wanted, and Stan never questioned it. It was cute how he could “accidentally” make their fingers brush or even hold jokingly the other’s hand, and Stan always just shrugged and said, “It’s cool, man.” It was cute how Kenny blurted out, for the hundredth time, that Kyle was acting like they were dating, and Stan always just laughed and ruffled Kyle’s mess of hair and said that Kyle was just messing around, like usual, and how it was their own private joke.
And, sadly, that was probably all Stan ever thought about their relation. It was a joke. It was just platonic friendship. It was just his and Kyle’s way of showing how close they were, when they could comfortably make jokes about their friendship - and that was all. Kyle could still recall that horribly awkward conversation between the four of them - Stan, Kenny, Butters and him - back in junior high, when Kenny had once blurted out how “gay it looks when two guys hug... oh yeah, waitaminnit, were you guys straight again?” Kyle now cursed himself to hell for convincing Stan, himself, Butters and Kenny that it was just joke. An inside joke. Nothing else. That time, it had been that way to him, too - now it was way more. If he hadn’t been so convincing back then, if Stan hadn’t been so sure in his retorts... Maybe Kyle would’ve had bit more confidence about bringing up the changed situation. Alas, he had to settle for subtle hints, which just wouldn’t work on such a thick person as Stan.
Trust Kyle to rely on that infallible logic of his that he found it impossible to think of a different approach.
But then, fortunately for Kyle, there was that famous turn of events. All thanks to Kenny McCormick and his big, unstoppable mouth.
“Write it,” Kenny said aloud. Kyle looked up from his notes, giving Kenny a strange look. Kenny patiently repeated, “Write it.”
“I am. You’re the one who’s not taking any notes.”
“I’m not talking about physics. You know how much I loathe these useless lessons,” Kenny repeated, still very calmly. “I’m talking about you and your unyielding love to Stan.”
Kyle’s face turned to fuchsia red in one second. “Thereisnosuchathing.”
Kenny smiled, amused. “Kyle, you are the worst liar in the world. No use trying something when you simply suck at it.”
“Go to hell.”
“I will, probably after my last lesson.” Kyle rubbed his temples; Kenny’s unwavering answers about afterlife always gave him a headache. Kenny looked unfazed. “And, as I was saying, write it.”
“Write what?” Kyle growled, giving up the idea of paying the slightest attention to poor Mrs. Hanson and her trembling voice. Kenny clicked his tongue.
“Your confession, of course. If Stan is too stupid to understand the usual communication between human beings, that is to say, communicating through words (in other words, talking), write it down to him.”
Kyle blinked. Kenny was the only person he knew that could actually be heard using semicolons or brackets. Sometimes it was actually hard to believe that Kenny hardly ever thought about what he was saying, when his thoughts were voiced so clearly and rationally.
“You mean...”
“Write him a letter. Even he can’t be that stupid. And if he is, at least he has time to spell that out himself, as understanding talking would be too much for him.”
“Stop mocking Stan, he’s not... that... stupid,” Kyle finished lamely. Actually, Stan was that stupid. But only socially. Kenny grinned, knowing full well what Kyle was thinking right now.
Then Kyle shook his head. “I can’t.”
Kenny blinked. “Why?”
“Because... he’s Stan. My best friend.”
“Best friends make the best lovers, and vice versa,” Kenny shrugged. “C’mon, Kyle, you know as well as I do that Stan would never, under any circumstances (e.g. would you even grow another head or lose your ability to talk, or convert to Wicca), abandon you. He’d rather commit a suicide than lose you.”
“You... make it sound so gay.”
“Which, incidentally, you are.”
“Shut up.”
Kenny grinned again; from Kyle’s thoughtful look he gathered that Kyle already knew that Stan wouldn’t ever reject him - whichever way interpreted - and was just running out of excuses. Kenny leant backwards in his chair.
“Then get to it, Romeo,” he added, stretching his arms and grinning widely. Kyle glared at him, then shrugged and focused his attention once again to physics. Though, even if his hand was writing and he was outwardly paying attention, his mind was elsewhere.
Dear Stan...
Nah, too gay.
Stan...
Too usual.
To Stanley Marsh...
Too much irony.
Dear receiver...
Too dumb.
And by the end of the lesson, his notes were hardly talking about physics anymore; all Kyle had written was along the lines of “Stanstanstanstan” and “letterletterletter”.
***
Scene one: handing the letter personally.
“What this?” Stan asked right away when the letter had been pressed to his hand. Kyle refused to look Stan in the eye.
“It’s... uh... just read it.”
Stan furrowed his brows, a bit concerned about Kyle’s state of health (his face was burning in all different types of red, after all), but decided to do as told. He read the letter, making Kyle more nervous by every passing second, since he was much slower to read than Kyle, and when it seemed to Kyle that he was too horrified to answer, the result was nothing else than panic. Finally, Stan lifted his eyes from the letter to Kyle. Kyle couldn’t breathe.
Stan raised one eyebrow. “I already knew that, but thanks anyway, man.” He handed the letter back to Kyle, who took it, dumbfounded. “You’re so odd sometimes. Hey, did you do your Math homework? Could I pretty please copy some of your answers? Tyson’s gonna murder me if I haven’t yet again completed even one of the problems...”
Nod, nod, handing of the said homework, nod, nod, another nod. What... what had just happened? Was it that hard to interpret the phrase “I care more about you than anyone else in the world” the right way? Or was Stan just that incapable of understanding romantic feelings?
Poor Kenny, though. He just couldn’t keep his mouth shut about the matter, naturally, and when he innocently asked Kyle how was the romance of lifetime processing, he got punched straight in the gut and choked on his own tongue. Thus, he did indeed go to hell after his last lesson.
***
Scene two: making someone else do the dirty job.
“Why me?” Butters whined. “Why me, Kyle? After all, it’s your gay interest we’re talking about.”
“Shut up, Butters,” Kyle snapped. Even if he normally preferred this “new” Butters that could actually talk without stuttering and voice his opinions clearly and had a spine of his own, this one time he really missed that young Butters that naïvely did whatever he was told to do. “Just... do this for me. You owe me from... uh, you know.”
“Yeah, yeah, sure,” Butters replied, more bored than scared. Kyle raised his brows; how could one not be scared when he was facing the threat of having the whole school know that he liked to cross-dress? Pushing that disturbing thought aside, Kyle concentrated on his oncoming headache and giving Butters the instructions.
“Just-just tell him the speech I told you. And give him this.”
Butters took the short note and gave Kyle an unimpressed look. “And this is your whole plan?”
Kyle groaned. “So?”
“No reason,” Butters shook his head. “Fine, I’ll do it. Just don’t expect me to go that far as to convince him being gay by setting an example-”
“Don’t you dare touch him!”
Butters giggled. “Relax, I was just joking! I’ll call you later!” He waved and left, leaving Kyle to wonder just when had he turned into such a hopeless case that he was actually jealous of Butters... He sighed, rubbed his temples again and turned to his homework. The mobile phone he had placed on his table was annoyingly reminding him of what Butters was now about to do. Any minute now...
Kyle waited.
And waited.
Waited.
Still waited.
Waited.
(Did you actually expect the verb to change?)
And then, Butters finally called. Kyle answered the phone so eagerly that he dropped his homework in the process and the papers formed a not-so-neat-as-Kyle-was-used-to pile of miscellaneous rubbish.
“Well?” he asked, not even bothering to give Butters a proper hello.
“Well what?” Kyle knew Butters good enough to know that he was probably pursing his lips right now. Kyle closed his eyes.
“What did... how did he...?”
“Stan,” Butters emphasized, “said that he doesn’t care either way if you’re straight or gay or bisexual. You’re still his official best friend forever.”
Kyle couldn’t say anything for a minute.
“He didn’t understand that?”
“Look, Kyle,” Butters interrupted, “Stan isn’t going to get it until you tell him it directly. He just looked at that note and shrugged. Even if I tried to explain that perhaps that wasn’t what you were implying in that note, he didn’t-”
“The bastard didn’t understand THAT!” Kyle fumed. “That idiot-I’m fucking going to kill him-Seriously! That idiot!” Butters muttered something, and remembering him, Kyle quickly added, “Thanks anyway, Butters, now we’re even, see you tomorrow at school, bye.”
“Bye,” Butters dryly replied before Kyle closed his phone and angrily threw the wholly innocent device to the wall. Not even noticing when his mother yelled from downstairs and asked about the noise, Kyle turned to his notebook, ripped out a page and started to scribble his thoughts down to it.
Even so stupid person as Stan wouldn’t be able to overlook the most clichéd line ever: I love you. Tomorrow that asshole was really going to get it.
***
Scene three: letting the cat out of the bag and throwing the bag and the cat to that certain someone’s face.
“Stan, can I talk to you?”
Stan glanced at Kyle, still distracted by his conversation with Craig. “Wait a second, okay?” He turned back to Craig. “And, yeah, as I was saying, that episode truly kicked ass...”
“I know, dude! Did you see the part where-”
“Stan,” Kyle whined. Stan rolled his eyes.
“Can’t it wait a little, Kyle?”
“I...”
The bell rang. Craig and Stan finished their conversation about whatever series they were talking about and turned to leave. Kyle tapped Stan to the shoulder to gain his attention.
“Uh, Kyle, my Chemistry lesson-”
“I know, but this is important.”
“Look, Kyle, this lesson really is important, I can’t be late!” Stan looked at Kyle, who was starting to pout. Stan sighed. “Meet me at Stark’s Pond after school?”
“Okay,” Kyle huffed. Stan nodded, and then was already on his way. Kyle stared after Stan and the way his bag kept bouncing against his thigh; when Stan disappeared from sight, Kyle turned to leave to the pond, completely forgetting that he was supposed to be sitting in the History class right now.
He waited for considerably long time, and his toes were already freezing and his fingers shaking when Stan finally appeared. Stan shot Kyle a confused look.
“How did you get here so fast?”
“Left early,” Kyle muttered. He massaged his fingers, trying to revive them from that frozen state they already were in. “Listen, Stan, there’s something I really, really need to tell you...”
“Yeah?”
Kyle gulped, pulled out the letter from his pocket and gave it to Stan. “Read it.”
Stan sighed, but took the paper nonetheless. “Not this again, dude, I know you’re concerned since this is our last year in school and we’re heading for different universities after that and all that crap about drifting apart, but you should know by now that we’re cool, we’re super best friends, and there’s no need to-”
“Just-read-it!” Kyle growled, unable to hide his anticipation. Stan murmured something, read the few lines the letter consisted, and looked at Kyle uncertainly. Kyle stared right back at him.
“Um, Kyle, yeah, I know that we’re best friends, there’s no need to remind me of that in... such a gay way.”
“Jesus, Stan, don’t you really get it?” Kyle shouted, scaring the nearby birds away. Stan’s eyes went wide. “Stanley Marsh, I’m fucking in love with you! I want to spend the rest of my life with you and adopt kids with you and live in a big house by the lake!”
“Um, Kyle, you know, that sounded a bit-no, a lot gayer than you mean it-”
Kyle grabbed Stan by shoulders and shook him. “I-AM-IN-LOVE-WITH-YOU! Is it really that hard to understand?”
“Well, maybe it is!” Stan shook Kyle off, taking few steps back. “I know that, dude, stop rubbing it to my face! I’ve known that ever since you first started to give me that puppy-eyed look! I fucking know!”
“For fuck’s sake, then why didn’t you just say anything?” Kyle snapped, his face turning slowly but surely to red, and not just because of angriness. “Here I’ve been acting like an idiot, shoving you with hints and secret notes and all that stupid stuff, and now you suddenly tell me that you’ve known all along?”
“Maybe because I was just waiting for the perfect moment to tell you that I feel the same freaking way!” Stan was now shouting too, scaring the rest of the birds away. The boys glared at each other, fists raised, trembling from anger. “I-you-you are so fucking oblivious of something called romance! Fuck you, Kyle, you’re doing it totally wrong! You’re supposed to angst over your unconditional love far longer time and fear that you might destroy our friendship, and all that stuff!”
“Well, maybe that’s because I’m not worried! We’ve been best friends since kindergarten - why do you think we’re still that way, huh? It’s called trust, you uneducated idiot!”
Stan took a deep breath. “You... you... gah! You idiot! You’ve done it again, ruined the perfect moment!”
“There is no such a thing as ‘perfect moment’! That only exists in sappy movies and crappy books!”
“YOU NEVER GAVE ME THE CHANCE!”
“YOU NEVER TOOK MY HINT!”
“KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF ROMANCE!”
“STANLEY MARSH, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO COMMON SENSE!”
“Fuck you!”
“Yes, please,” Kyle growled, stepped forward and forcefully kissed Stan, who instantly returned the kiss with the same force and eagerness. After few moments of intense tongue battling, they parted, still grasping each others’ sleeves and glaring each other - only this time with a hint of humour.
“There, you see, there’s no need for a romantic candlelight dinners or snowfall or shooting stars,” Kyle grimaced. “I hate those things, anyway.”
“You’re... Kyle... You’re just so goddamn sensible! Get a freaking sense of humour!”
“And you should get a freaking sense of realism,” Kyle retorted with the same glint in his eyes. “Jesus, dude, I don’t want to be treated like a girl or like some Big Gay Al-wannabe...”
“You are, already,” Stan smiled. “But still, you’re not half bad.”
“Shut up.”
And Stan did.
***
Experiment one: put two equally socially dumb people together. Progression example one: two idiots trying to figure out how and what to say to each other. Test result: success, complete happiness and a pair of idiots who compliment each other perfectly.
End of experiment one.