Love Life Rant
This is supposed to be a merry period (although i dont celebrate christmas) but i'm feeling quite down lately...here goes nothing..
I love this guy, I thought I'm over him..but your feelings wont lie right?
I first met him around this period four years ago...but I swear i felt nothing for him..nothing like I felt for my first love which was the Bam! Wham! Love at first sight thingy. But no, M, is just another guy in my class in Uni..and I dont even dare to call myself his friend in the earlier stages of our meeting...I can still recall our first sentences to each other..
Me: Is there anyone here?
M: Can you see anyone?
So you see, its not the best of first sentences to each other right??? and I started to dislike him..etc
But somewhere in our second year in Uni,, I cant exactly pinpoint when but we suddenly become closer..and he started to spill his story to me..I still remember there were 4 of us in the group for our Uni assignment/exam study group and the other two suddenly left the room and then he started telling me his stories which he said he never told anyone; his secrets..and he suddenly shake his head and said "I dont know why I'm telling you this" -- and I myself dont know why its me till this day...but at that time he had a major problem and there was this one time he cried and i just sat next to him holding his hand; and there was one time he came to outside my house and he cried and I just sat there listening to him spilling his heart out...
Since then we became close..really close..and we would text each other..we would practically do everything together and people were questioning our status but it never bothered us..I mean, we are the best of friends and telling tings like I love you is normal...maybe because I still dont have the 'love' for him yet at that stage..
and one day, i remember he went away for a showcase in another state, and Bam! I was strucked by this feeling...my heart ached, I missed him like crazy, and the love that I mentioned to him suddenly meant different things..its friendship kind of love,, and its more..much much more..
so while he was away, I constantly questioned my feelings for him..and finally realized that yes, its not just anoter stupid crush. Its love, pure kind of love..but at the same time I dont want to jeopardize our friendship...so I keep it inside me..but if have ever love someone in your life you would have known how much i was suffering from trying to hide my feelings from him...especially when we had our uni sem break and we dont meet with each for a month..gawd!!!
I find out that I cant hide things from him. If there is one thing that I cant do is lie to him...i started giving away too much hints I guess..and he at that time had already had a boyfriend..it hurt like hell..pretending to be happy for him yet I'm bleeding inside..the last straw was one of my friend saw a hickey on him...and he asking me bout liking another guy.....I remember me telling my feelings in text,, then we chat over ym and I told him how I felt..Iand I was crying a lot as I typed out my feelings. I know he wont recipocrate my feelings but still I need to let it all out..hoping that it would go away...we got awkward the next day..but it didnt last long coz I think we both know that our friendship worth more than anything else..
after we completed our uni, we never met again...I totally erased him from my life....its was always him who text me first asking how i was doing, where i'm working..etc...
he was and always will be my precious friend...knowing that i still cant find any job, he was the guy who was most worried about me..constantly finding job opportunities for me....and me, stupid me..thinking that i am over him, gladly accepted his offer and work at his office..the first week..its all okay...all fine....but enter the second week...the feelings started creeping back,, and i got back the heartache that i had everytime we used to spent time together like in uni...its like i had never stop loving him...its all coming back full-force to me now...
I know he would never love me back, whats with him not being sure with his true sexuality, and him regarding me as just friends..but i cant stop loving him..I remember i once told my friend, if only someone can help erased/removed my feelings for him..I would do anything so that can be done...its not because I am ashamed of loving him,, but because I know we had no future together..I love him..I really do..and it hurts...especially because we are best of friends...and like my another bf said.." He was, and will always be important to you". Anyone knows how to lessen or remove my love for him..please tell me..I need it, badly.