Skipping class to catch a single breath

[elaina_darkwind]

Yep, I'm skipping class... first time in... ever... it's college too! I'm skipping my first day of college and I'm not technacly in college yet... not a good president, but I'm tired of trying to be perfect.

So yeah, life in reverse:

Today, I was totally out of it, a horrible horrible head ache in which I couldn't tell there was someone infront of me

Comments

[rempel]

A way to survive is to find a goal which is bigger than: "who am I?", "what do I want?", and even bigger then getting into a college. The bigger goal is of a type "how can I be part of something bigger?", "how can I be useful to one or more of higher forces?". Because first types of questions may never be answered properly as "I" is very fussy, or the answers might be trivial and boring, but the second type of questions may provide a structure and an external source of order. Even though half a way you may find that the idea was way wrong it serves it purpose and you get few steps higher in karmic development. So far it looks like you are paying the karmic debts for my and Tanka's and our parent's sins - we were not logical as well and our lifes were a mess too. To pay these debts one has to get a karmic loan somewhere - and finding a meaningful goal is the best way to get it.

[elaina_darkwind]

fistly, I don't believe in family sins/karmic depts, it feels unfair too me. People's karma sticks to the themselves and perhaps those whom they are able to lead, but not necassarily those geniticly related. Secondly, I'm not particularly unlucky right now and everything bad I've experienced related directly into my own actions.

[rempel]

A phenomenon may not sease to exist if someone doesn't believe in it. But that's OK. I do believe that your current state is affected by my past actions.

[rempel]

Drugwise, at your age, Tan'ka was smoking a lot for several years already although she was very athletic and healthy. She also drank, not frequently though. These were safe and available drugs at that time, and we didn't drive cars, so drinking was not that dangerous. I stayed away from drugs and but stayed high writing poetry and looked for inspiration in science. Genetically, I don't think I or my ancestors were ever up to drugs. Neither of my parents smoke or drank or grand parents either. At 18 (winter of 1984) I think I was alone, being left by Julia (lives now in DC area, by coincidence). Later in summer of 84 I met Tan'ka and that was it. Tanka at 18 (Dec 1987) was de facto married to me for little less than 3 years and about to become pregnant with you. She temporarily quit smoking and drinking at this time.

[elaina_darkwind]

what are you responding to?

[rempel]

I was wondering if how much you may be predisposed to drugs. I am certainly not predisposed for long term addictions. As soon as something tends to become a constant I have an urge to change it.

[elaina_darkwind]

so... when did you actually marry?

[rempel]

I was 2 years off in my memories. I was 18 in 1982 - 1 year in University, kissing another Tanya, who I didn't like much, but she was very neat and funny in silly ways. I was lost in all ways, only danger of falling out of university and getting into the army kept me organized.
Your mother Tanka was 18 in 1985 - one year de facto married to me and this was I may think a happy year for us. I think she was smoking in secret and we didn't drink much. We spent all free time together and did a lot of traveling, partying in our way and camping. That was the time, i think when we lived in turns at Rabinovichi's house, Olga's house and other houses of our friends...

[rempel]

without relation to the above:
Senka said: you know, Lenka was born first... I don't know why he mentioned that...