MEET OUR BEAST!!!!!
Sooooooo this summer, goldenmelisande and I decided we would rewatch Star Trek: Voyager. While you were all being normal, productive people, we were gorging ourselves on stupid and delightful space shows! You may or may not recall this: it... was only all I appeared to be capable of posting about in July and August. I'm sure that wasn't embarrassment squicky for any of you.
Anyway! We kept looking at review sites to guide us through our journey -- specifically Jim Wright's and monkee's and two others I can't remember, only to discover that... the ratings other people gave episodes had absolutely no bearing on how much we were going to enjoy the episodes. Because every single one of them rated them based on perceived quality. And like, who on earth watches Voyager for QUALITY TELEVISION? This is a ship that got eaten by giant space worm creatures on TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS.
So we endeavored to make our own episode guide, in which we rated the episodes based on (what else?) joy. I even stole some pretty stars from... somebody's 2009 movies post so that we could make a lovely scale:
DNW
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tolerable!
Awesome?
I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS BAR SHIP
the Salamander award for COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, would watch again
Naturally this is a completely subjective system that is pretty much only relevant to the two of us since... people are different! And different things bring them joy, I suppose. Weirdos. In fact, one might even say that this guide is irrelevant and useless to any person who is not... me or Catherine. But, for reference, here is a list of all the things that have biased this list:
WE LIKE: all the characters, BASICALLY ANYTHING TO DO WITH B'ELANNA TORRES, Harry Kim being ridiculous and adorable at all times but particularly in his terrible Harry Kim episodes, bonding time, ridiculous things like talent night, Kathryn Janeway's badassery (and magnificent head of hair), P(aris)/T(orres), mocking Neelix's cooking, "Maquis" and "Starfleet", crack, Q, the kissing parts, Mom and Dad, found family, time travel, best friends making fun of each other.
WE DISLIKE: manpain, watching Seven of Nine discovering her humanity again (mostly, sometimes our love for Seven herself gets the better of us), Kes' catsuits, ANY SUGGESTION OF CHAKOTAY/B'ELANNA, Kazon hair (but actually the entire species sucks, now that you mention it!), the idea of Neelix having a romantic relationship, the borg, Chakotay or Neelix-centric episodes (SPOILER ALERT: they always suck).
Anyway we had it all typed out! And then some combination of real life and not wanting Voyager to end and Bones and school caught up with us in September, and we never finished the last six episodes. BUT NOW WE HAVE, AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
S1
1x01/1x02. Caretaker
I kind of wonder if my great love for Caretaker is a retrospect kind of thing, a "I LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND LOOK WHAT BABIES THEY ARE HERE AWWWW *_________*" reaction; and someone who had never seen the show would feel completely differently about it. Maybe that's it! But I still think it's kind of totally awesome. Especially since part 1 is Harry Kim bonding with Tom Paris: professional misfit, and part 2 is Harry Kim bonding with B'Elanna Torres: lifelong angerball misfit. JOY!
1x03. Parallax
In this episode, Kathryn Janeway and B'Elanna Torres educate us on the second* rule of ST: Voyager: the girls are three times brainier than the boys. IT'S JUST A FACT.
*yeah we kinda forgot what we said the first rule was.
1x04. Time and Again
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S TECHNOBABBLY AND A LITTLE BORING, but it's KJ/Tom bonding and occasionally hilarious, SO I STAND BY MY FOUR.
1x05. Phage
Eh. But the Captain and Chakotay have an adorable bff scene at the very beginning!
1x06. The Cloud
The Cloud sets the tone for what Voyager should always be: COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, AND YET AWESOME. IT IS PRETTY MUCH 100% EVERYONE BEING ADORABLE AND GOING THROUGH VARIOUS BONDING RITUALS. ♥_________♥
1x07. Eye of the Needle
So yes, Eye of the Needle is kind of boring. However. However. ...god it's hard to explain that we gave it an extra star for having a super adorable Harry&B'Elanna scene (HE'S JUST SO SAD SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE AQ LIKE HIM) and for KJ being pretty without sounding like a completely ridiculous person. But those are the reasons.
1x08. Ex Post Facto
Suave Tom's greatest triumph is... actually kind of boring. But it introduces us to Tuvok Holmes, P.I.! And Mama Bear KJ.
1x09. Emanations
I do not know what it is about Emanations, BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL ICKY INSIDE. Possibly it's because Harry dies, buuuuuuuut please, Harry only dies all the time, it's not like this time is particularly unique or lifescarring. So who knows. MAYBE I JUST HATE IT. (However! Harry episodes often have these great scenes in which Kathryn Janeway bestows her wisdom on young green Harry Kim, and this establishes that tradition! I guess it should get points for that but I don't feel like giving it any. So there.)
1x10. Prime Factors
Sooooooo Prime Factors is kind of gross! They visit a planet of people obsessed with ~pleasure~, which is awkward. And Harry and KJ kind of get love interests, which is super awkward. Since at this point they both have... significant others back home. In the AQ. And no one but them does, so why give them pleasure planet ~special friends~ and not, I don't know, Tom Paris the failed womanizer? Or BLT? Hell, even Chakotay is single and ready to mingle! YOU HAVE A WEALTH OF PRETTY UNATTACHED PEOPLE, SHOW. But then. This this scene exists, aaaaaand god, how very very much I loooove B'Elanna Torres and Harry Kim. But no, as a whole it is still gross. And boring.
1x11. State of Flux
OKAY I JUST... SERIOUSLY, WHAT EVEN. If you are going to construct a whodunnit, the suspects should not be SESKA AND CAREY, because... seriously, there is not a question of guilt there, and you will just spend the entire episode thinking "God, Tuvok and KJ are NOT THIS DUMB!!!" (Chakotay kind of is. WE LOVE HIM, BUT HE'S A LITTLE DIM.)
1x12. Heroes and Demons
My vividest recollections of this episode are KJ's Seven of Nine hair and loling forever over the idea that Harry Kim plays Beowulf on the holodeck. Sadly there is also a plot.
1x13. Cathexis
It's a little unclear to us how Chakotay being braindead differs from the norm, but. We will go with it! Also featuring B'Elanna Torres doing totally ridiculous (and endearing) things in the name of her crush on Chakotay. (Oh god it's SO LAME, seriously. I don't know why I like this one at all, let alone so much, but it is such great completely stupid scifi.)
1x14. Faces
Essentially our Faces feelings can be summed up with "B'ELANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and "THOMAS EUGENE PARIS, YOU STAND-UP GUY, YOU" and "GOD KLINGON B'ELANNA IS A BAMF".
1x15. Jetrel
Neelix is one those characters who just... should never have been given a tragic backstory and an opportunity for manpain. Actually it's even kind of endearing that he's cheerful all the time knowing... what I know after suffering through this episode but I also just. Gross, Neelix manpain! Let's never speak of this again.
1x16. Learning Curve
The cheese subplot is essentially THE GREATEST THING EVER, from the classic BLT line to the Doctor babying the slab of cheese in sickbay (caaaaaan we talk about how much I love Star Trek: Voyager? Because the answer is a lot), and the Professor Tuvok stuff is not as tedious as one might think. Also featuring Chakotay, demonstrating his ~Maquis leadership skills~.
S2
2x01. The 37s
Occasionally Voyager does these cloying, oversentimental looks at the (fictional) history of space travel. They... suck.
2x02. Initiations
I resent this episode guide for making me unrepress this episode. LOOK, WHOEVER THOUGHT WATCHING CHAKOTAY MENTOR A TEENAGE KAZON WOULD MAKE FOR A WORTHWHILE USE OF AN HOUR SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO REASSESS THEIR PRIORITIES.
2x03. Projections
AUGH I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW BAD THIS IS. I like. Just. Don't touch it. We like Doc/Kes and this is the only bone the show ever threw us in that vein, but it is NOT WORTH IT.
2x04. Elogium
Elogium is classic hilarious Voyager-- the A plot is incredible ("WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST OUR SEX APPEAL, CAPTAIN") and lolzy and there's bffing and KJ is adorable and smiley. But then. Intercut among the five star calibre stuff there is so much Neelix/Kes, and it is SO GROSS. It is a very strange combination.
2x05. Non Sequitur
This is... not a good episode. But we derived pathetic amounts of pleasure from making fun of Tom Paris' vest? And... it is about Harry Kim. AND I JUST LOVE IT, OKAY, SHUT UP. (It is undeniably a season 2 highlight, though, however shitty it might seem in the context of other, less painful seasons of television.)
2x06. Twisted
+ 1/2
THIS EPISODE IS DELIGHTFUL!!! There are many many highlights, including Chakotay and Tuvok being manly manly men, Kes' birthday party, a really touching scene between Tuvok and KJ, and the fact that the plot actually functions as part of the bffing instead of a distraction from it! Also if your definition of an episode having P/T includes "Tom and B'Elanna have completely platonic scenes with each other including a shoulderpat" like ours does, then... congratulations! This episode has P/T. Alsooooo, enjoy this moment when B'Elanna's crush on Chakotay is still endearing, because folks, it's about to get gross.
2x07. Parturtion
Parturtion is maybe most memorable to us as the episode where the girls pool their replicator rations for a blowdryer with truly unfortunate results. But it's actually pretty fun if you are not easily distracted by bad hair! Neelix and Tom play uncle to a bb alien reptile! And get in a hair pasta fight!
2x08. Persistence of Vision
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH MY EYES
(the handful of watchable things about this episode loop back around to offensive again, to be honest, because nothing should be allowed to be good in Persistence of Vision).
2x09. Tattoo
This episode is about Chakotay and his "people", I don't think I need to explain further. (EXCEPT TO SAY THAT THE TERRIBLENESS OF SEASON 2 IN GENERAL IS SO MUCH FUNNIER NOW THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH IT.)
2x10. Cold Fire
Idk guys, sometimes it's hard to elaborate past the ZZZZZZZZ factor.
2x11. Maneuvers
Yeah, it's about Seska and the Kazon, the fact that we couldn't finish this episode should surprise no one.
2x12. Resistance
JANEWAY IS SO THE PRETTIEST CAPTAIN, OMG YOU GUYS. This episode also features the first appearance of TEAM AWESOME, which consists of Captain KJ, B'Elanna, and Tuvok. LIKE SERIOUSLY, TALK ABOUT SOME BADASSES, they kick some alien behind. ...and then get thrown in jail. Which is too bad, because as it turns out, Chakotay, Tom, and Harry? Not so good at running a ship without the girls.
2x13. Prototype
+ 1/2
It's season 2, so naturally even the B'Elanna Torres episodes are bland and uninteresting, buuuuuuut this one has some adorable moments. And it was just wrong to give it the same grade as "Tattoo", so, there you go.
2x14. Alliances
If I never have to watch a Kazon episode again it will be too soon. OH GOD THEY LIKE, COMPLETELY BLEND IN YOUR HEAD, I have no idea what this was actually about but I assure you it was terrible.
2x15. Threshold
There are many many people who remember nothing about Voyager but this episode: it is legitimately that godawful, a classic of the shittiest writing. It's also completely hilarious, full of three musketeers, and tbh, A SEASON 2 HIGHLIGHT. And terrible. In a "oh shit I'm literally CRYING WITH LAUGHTER" kind of way.
2x16. Meld
Theoretically I like Tuvok Holmes, P.I., but in practice the episodes are almost always boring city. This is the Lon Suder episode, but it is also the episode where Lon Suder isn't awesome. Blerg.
2x17. Dreadnought
I guess perhaps if theoretically you were one of those weirdos with a heart that doesn't swell at the sight of B'Elanna Torres, this would not interest you at all. Aaaaaaand to be honest it is only so interesting. But. Well. It's about B'Elanna. Being B'Elanna. And sometimes that is enough. Also it's a good thing this comes between "Meld" and "Death Wish", because I think the whiplash would have actually killed us if we had gone straight into the good stretch from the PAIN AND MISERY stretch.
2x18. Death Wish
Q SHENANIGANS ARE OUR FAVORITE SHENANIGANS, PRETTY MUCH. And this is Voyager's best Q episode! You know, actual quality-wise.
2x19. Lifesigns
Sweet and endearing? But in a moderately unmemorable way?
2x20. Investigations
We were totally dreading this. I mean, it was about the Kazon, and it culminates the Tom pretends to be a bad boy for ~security reasons~ arc. But then it was sneak attack wonderful? Specifically mostly because Neelix is gossip girl. But also because everybody loves Tom Paris and... I don't know. It was just surprisingly enjoyable.
2x21. Deadlock
YOU CANNOT GO BAD WITH TWO KATHRYN JANEWAYS AND I JUST OMG YOU GUYS, THIS EPISODE.
2x22. Innocence
TUVOK SINGS TO CHILDREN. You need to know nothing else (except that this isn't a one-hit wonder and the rest is reasonably enjoyable, so you don't have to skip to the singing part).
2x23. The Thaw
+ 1/2
By the end of The Thaw, we were both so scared we were reaching for stuffed animals. I would say it did what it intended.
2x24. Tuvix
Boring, preachy, creepy (in the case of Tuvix himself), we couldn't finish it.
2x25. Resolutions
We... find joy in the pain of Chakotay's neverending quest to get laid in the big woods?
2x26/3x01. Basics
Not as shitty as you'd expect, considering it's about the Kazon? The first part is boring, but then it gets better! And it has Lon Suder saving the day and being awesome! Then he dies because Voyager is physically incapable of resolving any moral dilemmas ever! Also KJ looks really pretty when she's stranded on the planet! NOT THAT WE'RE UH, BIASED. OR ANYTHING.
S3
3x02. Flashback
Whoever wrote this had a hardcore nerd boner for TOS, and not... in a good way.
3x03. The Chute
EPISODES ABOUT BEST FRIENDS SHOULD NOT SUCK THIS MUCH, seriously. Although bonus points for KJ saving the day with her compression phaser rifle.
3x04. The Swarm
I'm pretty sure we would be giving this episode 2 stars if it didn't start out with Tom and B'Elanna flirting, but uh. At least we acknowledge our biases? I can only half remember the actual plot, but it wasn't offensively boring, so it gets a tentative thumb up in the end.
3x05. False Profits
You would think that the whole "lost in the DQ" thing would kind of put a stopper on Ferengi episodes. You would think. But... this exists nonetheless.
3x06. Remember
IT PAINS ME TO GIVE A SCORE THIS LOW TO A B'ELANNA TORRES EPISODE, but god, why would you devote quality Torres screentime to this drivel? There's also a really horribly awkward B'Elanna/Chakotay conversation, so overall I pretty much never want to sit through this again.
3x07. Sacred Ground
Um, not exactly a favorite forever, buuuuuut it is about KATHRYN JANEWAY, co-starring her truly beautiful hair, so, you know. Thumbs up!
3x08/3x09. Future's End
THANK GOD FOR "MAN, LET'S TRAVEL BACK TO 1996" EPISODES, or we never would have experienced Tuvok in thugwear.
3x10. Warlord
Dear Voyager: you should have less episodes about characters we like... not being themselves! That would be nice.
3x11. The Q and the Grey
+ 1/2
Stupid, except for the part where it's AWESOME.
3x12. Macrocosm
If anyone tries to claim Kirk/Picard/Sisko/Archer is a bigger badass than Kathryn M. Janeway, they haven't seen this episode. NOW WITH BONUS P/T!
3x13. Fair Trade
Blah blah blah Neelix blah blah blah morality blah blah blah blah... wait, okay, that's it.
3x14. Alter Ego
In this (arguably kind of shitty), Harry Kim falls in love with a hologram, once again becomes the laughingstock of the ship, everyone goes to a luau, Tuvok plays a starring role, and Tom gets de-nied. Um, yeah.
3x15. Coda
I LOVE CODA. It is so difficult to summarize because essentially it is a bunch of ridiculous scifi cliches rolled into one episode. One of those scifi cliches is the "I'm here but no one sees me, how do I get my crew to notice me!" (actually I don't know if that's a science fiction cliche or a Star Trek cliche), which I love so much. Did I mention this episode stars Captain Janeway? And has mom and dad bffing? AND THAT I LOVE IT?
3x16. Blood Fever
ESSENTIALLY, KNOWING THIS EPISODE WAS COMING SOMEDAY IS WHAT HAD US PERSEVERING THROUGH SEASON 2. I just... omg. OMG. If every television show would give a character a violent mating urge and then throw her in some caves with a guy who then has to resist her because he loves her, THE WORLD WOULD BE A MAGICAL PLACE. AND. AND. ♥____________♥
3x17. Unity
This episode is a moderate wonder in that I'm 99% sure this is the only time in the entire series that Commander Crash gets in a shuttle that doesn't... well, crash. You're kind of on the edge of your seat the whole time, waiting for it, and by the end you're just... confused about why suddenly he can pilot something. That doesn't make it worth watching though: a pretty random ensign has to die in the name of Chakotay and his space babe of the week. Poor baby.
3x18. Darkling
SHIT CITY, FRIENDS. Also this is when Kes started in with catsuits instead of moderately Rodarteish space dresses and... god, seriously, why.
3x19. Rise
Rise is our little black hole of memory. We know it's the only episode neither of us have seen. We know we skipped it during our rewatch, although we don't remember why, and considering neither of us has seen it it doesn't really make sense that we did. IT'S A DISAPPEARING ACT IN AN EPISODE*.
*it's probably not, god knows what it's actually about. We definitely don't.
3x20. Favorite Son
While this episode suffers from an absolutely insipid plotline (~PLANET FULL OF KILLER HOTTIES~) and we didn't watch the second half because of that, IT HAS THE BEST HARRY&B'ELANNA SCENE OF THEM ALL, it's kind of lolzy, and Harry Kim is, once again, the laughingstock of the week.
3x21. Before and After
WE HAVE GREAT AFFECTION FOR THIS EPISODE, because a) it's awesome, b) Kes is awesome, c) YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH TIME TRAVEL SHENANIGANS, and d) P/T cleverly disguised as Tom/Kes!
3x22. Real Life
YOU WILL PROBABLY CRY. Although it might be from joy when the scene about the klingon romance novel comes up.
3x23. Distant Origin
DINOSAURS IN SPACE
3x24. Displaced
Even though the point, I suppose, of this episode guide is rejecting other review sites and their weird love of actual quality, I love Jim Wright's analysis of Displaced. I love and agree with everything he says, but he's very right, specifically, about the A plot functioning mostly as part of the Tom and B'Elanna B plot. And given that, it is unsurprising that our love for this episode is deep and true. It... might even be my actual, #1 favorite. Maybe.
3x25. Worst Case Scenario
This episode is awesome because: a) Tom and B'Elanna!, b) Tom and Tuvok!, c) holodeck shenanigans, d) fakeouts, and most importantly e) COMPRESSION PHASER RIFLES. Plus an honorable mention for attention to detail.
3x26/4x01. Scorpion
+ 1/2
We have subtitled this episode "scary new Voyager" because suddenly everything is real and the world is mean and it's weird because you're watching legitimately good television but YOU JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. I MEAN THERE IS SO MUCH ULTIMATE BAMF KATHRYN JANEWAY, BUT OUR SOULS WERE BLEEDING OUT SLOWLY.
S4
4x02. The Gift
Yeah, the only reason we got through this episode (which is not genuinely terrible, it just happens to be THE LAST KES EPISODE) is because "Day of Honor" came after it.
4x03. Day of Honor
FIVE STARS WOULD (AND DID) WATCH AGAIN (AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN). Plus it saved us from the pit of despair, so it gets even more accolades for this.
4x04. Nemesis
We finally taught ourselves to just skip the Chakotay episodes entirely \o/
4x05. Revulsion
There is this scene in this one, which involves against-the-wall kissing and a little hand grab that is actually enough to make me forget that most of this episode was a boring story about a scary hologram. A couple other things were adorable too, SO I FEEL OKAY ABOUT GIVING IT FOUR STARS.
4x06. The Raven
Too much Seven too soon, when the wounds from losing Kes were still smarting. ALSO: SUPER BORING. It is the beginning of a beautiful Tuvok & Seven bffship, though.
4x07. Scientific Method
A three-star episode elevated by several things, among them a) hormonal Tom and B'Elanna, b) Kathryn Janeway being a BAMF (although that's not exactly unusual), c) Tuvok and Janeway and their beaaaaaautiful friendship, and most importantly d) "SMELLS GOOD!".
4x08/4x09. Year of Hell
+ 1/2
This episode is so good, and so full of little moments teeming with the love the senior staff has for each other, but ultimately it can't be a 5 because it hurts. And because KATHRYN JANEWAY CUT HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR.
4x10. Random Thoughts
A kind of boring episode, but it has Tuvok Holmes, P.I. and everyone loves B'Elanna, so it's not exactly difficult to sit through.
4x11. Concerning Flight
KJ's hair is particularly bad in this one!
4x12. Mortal Coil
NEELIX AND CHAKOTAY, what a pair!
4x13. Waking Moments
THE DREAAAAAAAAAMS!!! Tuvok and Harry's in particular are delightful (partially because of the subsequent discussions they create), and there is a lot of bffing, it's just that there is also a lot of Chakotay. God it's not even that we don't love Chakotay, because we do love him, but... in small doses. Please.
4x14. Message in a Bottle
TWO INCOMPETENT HOLOGRAMS + THEIR GIANT EGOS = GREAT LOLZ TO BE HAD.
4x15. Hunters
There is a lovely Tom and B'Elanna scene embedded in this one, and Harry Kim is pretty much adorable, but mostly it's just super boring.
4x16. Prey
Season 4: home of the shitty Seven episode.
4x17. Retrospect
IT JUST WOULDN'T END.
4x18/4x19. Killing Game
NAZIS IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
Also everyone is really attractive in 40s garb? :D? So, uh, to summarize, THIS EPISODE IS BASICALLY EVERYTHING I WILL EVER WANT FROM TELEVISION.
4x20. Vis A Vis
OH HEY DOUCHETARDED TOM PARIS, so nice to see you!
4x21. The Omega Directive
God, who even cares.
4x22. Unforgettable
The "forgettable" joke just makes itself, sry2say.
4x23. Living Witness
UM, this episode is basically "what if they were evil?" AU fanfic. :D?
4x24. Demon
If you have half a brain cell the utter lack of logic and reason in this storyline will make you roll your eyes. AND THEN SUDDENLY IT'S FUNNY? IDEK.
4x25. One
ONLY WORTH IT FOR THE BOOKENDS.
4x26. Hope and Fear
The best part about this episode is the part where we get to be done with season 4.
S5
5x01. Night
SORRY KIDS, MOMMY CAN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU (THIS EPISODE IS A VERITABLE FEAST OF FOUND FAMILY AND JOY AND CAPTAIN PROTON).
5x02. Drone
+ 1/2
IDK, SEVEN HAS A BABBY DRONE AND THEY ARE SOCIAL RETARDS TOGETHER? It's pretty adorable.
5x03. Extreme Risk
Oh god, we were so torn about this episode. Because on the one hand it is basically the greatest offense on the Voyager-sucks-at-continuity-and-arcs scale (I'M SORRY, YOU CANNOT GIVE A MAIN CHARACTER SEVERE ONGOING DEPRESSION WITHOUT A. BUILDING UP TO IT OR B. MENTIONING IT AFTERWARD). Furthermore it's stupid that HER BEST FRIEND HARRY and especially HER BOYFRIEND TOM are so oblivious (I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE WAS NOT LYING IN THAT STUPID BRIEFING, I just... whatever, show, he would have known long before Chakotay and Janeway started cluing in -- and I cannot believe Tom Paris would say the thing about painsticks that he did in "Night" unless he, you know, knew) and... blaaaaaaarg. However the idea is very B'Elanna and very interesting, I just... wish it had been done right. Also B'Elanna's scenes with Neelix are the sweetest thing. Basically this episode would have been better if it had been about Janeway's revelation that her chief engineer was severely depressed. And if she hadn't been spontaneously healed by the magic of banana pancakes. IT WILL TAKE WORK, THE SUPPORT OF HER BOYFRIEND, THE COMMAND TEAM CONSTANTLY CHECKING UP ON HER, NEELIX USING HIS OWN REPLICATOR ACCOUNT TO KEEP HER WELL FED, AND THE MAGICAL HEALING POWER OF HUGS FROM HARRY KIM.
5x04. In The Flesh
LOLOLOLOLOL CHAKOTAY/ELLEN TIGH
I'm sorry, that's all I can hear over the sound of how stupid this episode is.
(besides Kathryn Janeway's beauuuuuuuutiful hair)
5x05. Once Upon A Time
Sweet, worth watching, aww Naomi Wildman. Yeah.
5x06. Timeless
OKAY SO: keep in mind that the stars indicate JOY and not QUALITY, this episode is legitimately good television, and if the stars were about quality it would probably deserve a 5. But like, who watches Voyager for the quality stuff? YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Idk, it is a heart-hurter, and bitter, sad Harry Kim is almost too much for me. HOWEVER: DRUNK SEVEN OF NINE. And some other good stuff hidden in there too.
5x07. Infinite Regress
You know how sometimes you just want to be like "THANK GOD when they hired their well-endowed blonde they accidentally stumbled upon someone who could actually act? Well?". THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES. This episode includes: a) regular, endearing, emotionally retarded Seven of Nine, b) FERENGI SEVEN OF NINE, c) Klingon Seven of Nine hitting on B'Elanna (not that Seven of Nine's crush on B'Elanna isn't legitimate even when she is not a channelling a crazy Klingon dude), d) Seven bonding with idk her bff Naomi over Kadis Kot. IN CONCLUSION: adorable!
5x08. Nothing Human
This is legitimately good television, but I will not pretend my favorite thing about it is not TOM THE LOVING BOYFRIEND. (I am less pleased with the fact that it created a wedge between Captain KJ and B'Elanna :[. LIKE, A LEGITIMATE WEDGE WITH REASONS, BUT. BUT. Oh well, it's Voyager, no one will remember this next week.)
5x09. Thirty Days
Hey guess what Tom Paris, I don't give a shit about your Daddy issues! (I do, however, give a shit about your girlfriend, IF ONLY SHE HAD MORE THAN 1.25 SCENES IN THIS.)
5x10. Counterpoint
KJ gets a boyfriend who's super into mood music. It's not awesome.
5x11. Latent Image
I paid attention the whole time, I'll give it that? BONUSES: Janeway babysits the Doc, and Tuvok is a mother hen.
5x12. Bride of Chaotica!
CAPTAIN PROTON. QUEEN ARACHNIA. THE DEATH RAY. IDEK THAT THERE ARE WORDS.
5x13. Gravity
Tbh it is actually pretting boring, but it has babby Tuvok and is BASICALLY SECRETLY ALL ABOUT HOW MUCH TOM PARIS LOVES HIS GIRLFRIEND, so it gets an extra star.
5x14. Bliss somewhere between
and
, I can't decide. like 3.75.
V. enjoyable, also enjoyed the parts in the beginning with Tom and a small child. You don't know my life.
5x15/5x16. Dark Frontier Pt. 2
There are claims that Voyager "ruined" the borg. They did. This is when it happens. THERE IS NO REASON A LITTLE BITTY FEDERATION SHIP ALL BY ITSELF IN THE DQ SHOULD BE ABLE TO OUTWIT/ESCAPE/DEFEAT THE BORG LIKE, EIGHT TIMES IN ONE EPISODE (I think it was actually three or four instead of eight, but WHATEVER, MY POINT STILL STANDS). Also this is a Seven discovering humanity (with the aide of Janeway) episode, HOW DELIGHTFUL, BECAUSE THAT HAS NEVER EVER BEEN EXPLORED BEFORE. Naomi Wildman: actually the highlight of this episode.
5x17. The Disease
LOOOOL IT'S SO SO SO BAD, but it has a) the first three Musketeers scene in AGES, even if it only lasts for three seconds, b) some sweet Harry and Janeway stuff, c) some hilarious Harry and Seven stuff. Plus like, OH HARRY, you would think that it was ~true love~ every time you got laid by an alien babe of the week. I LIKE, ALMOST WANT TO ELEVATE IT TO THREE STARS BECAUSE ENDEARING STUFF HAPPENS, but no, it's still super shitty.
5x18. Course: Oblivion
Your heart will break at least fifteen times, but it will be worth it.
5x19. The Fight
Although in this case, "DNW" would stand for "Did Not Watch", because who wants to subject themselves to forty-two minutes of Chakotay boxing? Barf.
5x20. Think Tank
OH GOD JASON ALEXANDER GTFO AND STOP MAKING ME RESENT SEVEN, we were so far past that before you came to roost. (Elevated from a one star ranking because YOU BET YOUR ASS THE SENIOR STAFF PLAYS ELECTRONIC PUZZLE GAMES ON THE BRIDGE.)
5x21. Juggernaut
This episode is basically about how much everyone (Tom, Chakotay, KJ, Neelix, Tuvok) loves B'Elanna Torres. MUCH JOY TO BE HAD.
5x22. Someone To Watch Over Me
Socially awkward Seven is totally the third best Seven (after drunk Seven and multiple personality disorder Seven. BUT IT WAS CLOSE).
5x23. 11:59
This is basically an episode of boring and unnecessary millenium flashbacks, but uh. They become strangely endearing after awhile? And Kate Mulgrew is super pretty? And there is some hardcore senior staff bonding? So.
5x24. Relativity
I will not spoil you for the best part of this episode (it involves Kathryn Janeway being a BAMF) but uh! TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS! FUCK YEAH TIME TRAVEL!
5x25. Warhead
THANKS, WRITERS, but we have already watched both "Dreadnought" and "Darkling" and did not need to see those two plots we were already familiar with smushed together into one even messier episode! However, Harry Kim is ridiculously adorable, especially when he's quoting rulebooks and paired with his bff B'Elanna Torres, so... that saves this shitpile from a one star fate.
5x26/6x01. Equinox
The best part of this episode by far (the BLT scene in the mess hall: MAKE SURE TO CATCH HARRY KIM'S MOSTLY HIDDEN FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AS WELL AS THE "LOL TOM" GLANCES BETWEEN B'ELANNA AND HARRY) happens way too early and makes it harder to care about the rest of it, especially since the Janeway-goes-over-the-edge storyline isn't handled very well/comes on too suddenly and IS DISTRESSING. There's some nice stuff, though: this is one of our favorite episodes for Chakotay (HE IS A PILLAR OF RIGHTEOUSNESS), there's some lolzy singing stuff, and a evil!Doc gets owned.
S6
6x02. Survival Instinct
This episode is the weirdest combination of ZZZZZZZZ (plot) and THINGS THAT ARE SO WONDERFUL YOU COULD JUST CRY WITH JOY (everything else).
6x03. Barge of the Dead
TY, VOYAGER WRITERS, FOR REALIZING THAT THE "EVERYONE ON VOYAGER ADORES B'ELANNA TORRES" THEME IS A GOOD THEME TO REPEAT. Like, over and over and over.
6x04. Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy
TUVOK I UNDERSTAND! YOU ARE A VULCAN MAN! YOU HAVE JUST GONE WITHOUT! FOR SEVEN YEARS... ABOUT!
6x05. Alice
On one hand, I was mad at Tom Paris for his return sojourn into douchetarded land, even though we didn't even watch the middle! And were therefore lucky enough to miss most of the truly douchetarded moments. But it begins with Tuvok teasing and it ends with Tom and B'Elanna being grown ups about their relationship (THEME FOR SEASON 6, see also: Barge of the Dead) so I guess it can have the extra star. If it's nice to me.
6x06. Riddles
Tuvok: :D? :D? :D?
Neelix: ♥_♥
6x07. Dragon's Teeth
DEAR VOYAGER WRITERS: including Naomi Wildman in really boring episodes is BLATANT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, and it makes us cranky.
6x08. One Small Step...
These overly sentimental looks at the past are never entertaining, sry2say. (Also starring: GI Joe!)
6x09. The Voyager Conspiracy
Ridiculousness (KATHRYN JANEWAY IS NOT THAT DUMB, and... well, Chakotay is, but he's also loyal, so it doesn't work on his end either) saturated with some adorableness. Also okay, powers that be, if you don't want people shipping Janeway and Chakotay, what is with date night/candlelit dinners? I don't even actively ship them and MAN.
6x10. Pathfinder
+ 1/2
It's the battle of the good vs. bad: on the one hand, you have DEANNA TROI!, Neelix the cat, Admiral Paris secretly being a teddy bear who loves his son, that comm transmission (which we were embarrassingly pleased by, we're such saps), and the lolzy holographic recreations of the Voyagers. On the other hand, it's one of those Voyager lite weeks where you don't get enough of your crew, and there's Reginald Barclay being a creepster, and so much secondhand embarrassment. Actually, it's sad how all the lovely delightful things don't really make it that much better.
6x11. Fair Haven
THIS EPISODE IS SO MUCH DNW THAT NOT EVEN EVERYONE BESIDES KATHRYN JANEWAY BEING ADORABLE COULD KEEP YOU FROM HURLING. Seriously? First Equinox, then Voyager Conspiracy, AND THEN THIS DRIVEL??????? You can really fucking tell that they are out of female writing staff, because no woman would write her woman captain this way. When Harry had his holographic romance, he didn't actually do anything, she turned out to be a real person, AND HE DID NOT REPROGRAM HER TO MEET HIS SPECIFICATIONS. JFC, CREEPY TECHNOLOGY 1000%
6x12. Blink of an Eye
Yet another case of Naomi Wildman being pulled out to keep a show entertaining, but this time it's okay because the boringness of the plot is also tempered by the senior staff being giant nerds.
6x13. Virtuoso
A giant whopping case of too much of a good thing-- up until this episode, the Doctor and his giant ego are endearing, but an entire episode dedicated to his love for himself and his singing is just, ughhhhhhhh. (THE LAST SCENE IS SUPER CUTE THOUGH.)
6x14. Memorial
I WILL NOT LIE, the third star is entirely for the first five minutes of this episode, in which the boys go on an away mission and on their prodigal return, B'Elanna is practically bursting with excitement over the gift she made Tom. And then they are adorably domestic! The rest, however, is a case of the Voyager-cast-as-people-other-than-themselves trope, which the writers do not seem to get sick of! Which sucks, because we've been sick of it since it started.
6x15. Tsunkatse
The first half of this episode is solid four territory (because of bffing, what else? THANK GOD FOR CREW SHENANIGANS) but somewhere in the middle, after everyone has loled about how they could totally take Harry, Chakotay and B'Elanna have enjoyed their violence, and Seven and Tuvok have run off to spend shore leave together, it becomes a two, and you totally disengage. SIGH. THE WRESTLING EPISODE SHOULD BE MORE LOLZY/ENJOYABLE.
6x16. Collective
Hey, a tolerable borg episode! Weird.
6x17. Spirit Folk
THIS MAY ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN FAIR HAVEN, WE DIDN'T GET FAR ENOUGH INTO IT TO FIND OUT. The only part that did not make us want to die was finding out that B'Elanna hates that stupid fucking program almost as much as we do.
6x18. Ashes to Ashes
OH, POWERS THAT BE. Putting this gem after Spirit Folk. I see what you did there. You thought anything would look good next to that drivel. NOT SO! This is moderately less offensive drivel, and it is countered by Tom making fun of Harry, mommy Seven, and Harry bonding with Mezoti, but it it still drivel, AND WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS KIND OF BLATANT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION ANY LONGER >:(
6x19. Child's Play
So it was kind of boring, and stealthily shitty writing (in the form of creating a moral dilemma and then undermining it). It had a science fair! And mommy Seven! And we're easily swayed sometimes.
6x20. Good Shepherd
A very solid 3 -- most of the other season 6 3s have been tentative. The storyline gets kind of weird and confusing at points, but taken as a whole it's very endearing and enjoyable.
6x21. Live Fast and Prosper
HEY NEELIX, you have a rival for president of the LtCmdr Tuvok fan club!
6x22. Muse
SUCH! A! DELIGHT!
6x23. Fury
WOULD NOT TOUCH WITH A TEN HUNDRED FOOT POLE IF YOU PAID ME.
6x24. Life Line
A genuinely enjoyable episode tempered in its rating by lack of "meanwhile back in the DQ" and too much Barclay. Also lol the fact that they sent the Doctor in the first place, why is everyone always so... fine with leaving Tom Paris as the Chief Medical Officer? BUT HEY DEANNA, we're always glad to see you.
6x25. The Haunting of Deck Twelve
I want to kiss whoever thought to combine Neelix's storytelling, gossipy Naomi, BAMF KJ, Tal Celes, a talking to the ship theme, and general crew shenanigans in one episode.
S7
6x26./7x01. Unimatrix Zero
Borg castration and a creepy boyfriend for Seven of Nine, YAAAAAAAAAY. Otherwise it's okay. And has P/T! And Team Awesome!
7x02. Imperfection
Uh, this is a pretty standard Seven-discovers-humanity episode and yet it's AWESOME??? There's a truly touching Seven & B'Elanna scee embedded in here, and SO MUCH ICHEB LOVING HIS MOMMY, and uh, have I mentioned I love Jeri Ryan? Because I do.
7x03. Drive
THEY. GET. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIED!!!!! And make fun of Harry Kim!
7x04. Repression
Moderately boring Maquis/Tuvok Holmes, P.I./Tuvok goes crazy stuff, the extra star is for continuity (CHELL!!!) and Tuvok wearing 3D glasses.
7x05. Critical Care
KJ ALREADY HAS A MAN, YOU GUYS. (The rest is inoffensively boring in a strangely engaging way.)
7x06. Inside Man
THIS REGINALD BARCLAY THING HAS GONE TOO FAR. In the other "meanwhile back in the AQ" stories he's a lowly lieutenant among many who happens to have a good idea. BUT WHY WOULD THEY LET HIM WASTE DATASTREAM SPACE ON A HOLOGRAM OF REG BARCLAY? WTF IS THAT GOING TO DO? I'M PRETTY SURE EVERYONE WOULD RATHER LETTERS. PLUS THEN HE'S POPULAR AMONG THE CREW AND THAT SUCKS AND IS ALSO A LIE, AND KJ IS OFFENSIVELY NAIVE. Not even the adorable Musketeers scene and Deanna (plus a bone thrown about our secret shameful ship, Riker/Troi) make this one okay >:(
7x07. Body and Soul
JERI RYAN WINS ALL THE AWARDS, and this episode is very entertaining, plus there is (barely, we're good at reaching) some Harry/Seven-- on the surface it's a pretty solid 4. But there's some uncomfortable underlying stuff-- mostly how obviously angry Seven is about the things the Doctor does while in her body (overindulge in food and wine, become sexually aroused). Doc is moderately apologetic, and Seven continually consents to let him continue -- but only because his life is at risk. But idk, it's still kind of creepy, and there's some latent homophobia, and the final Doctor & Seven scene in sickbay feels out of place because of all that.
7x08. Nightingale
HARRY (AND HIS BFF SEVEN), OFF TO SAVE THE WORLD COMMAND A SHIP! Also, B'ELANNA/ICHEB. I'm sure if I were to put on some objectivity glasses, this episode would be kind of weird and sucky, but as it is I think it's AWESOME.
7x09/7x10. Flesh and Blood
TOO MUCH HIROGEN, TOO MUCH DOC, TOO MUCH ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
7x11. Shattered
Alternately titled, "Memory Lane", "♥_♥", "So This Is Why We Love Voyager So God Damn Much", or "WE LOVE YOU CHAKOTAY".
7x12. Lineage
THIS IS BASICALLY VOYAGER'S GIFT TO US PERSONALLY, because it is an entire episode about Tom and B'Elanna being emotionally retarded and in love with each other! No B plot! JUST THEM! And a pregnancy! And B'Elanna's issues! ♥______♥
7x13. Repentance
I have to say despite being severely bored/not paying attention to most of it I was touched by this episode-- there was something really good there, and it was one of the best ideas with which to explore Seven's humanity, because it wasn't happy happy joy joy Seven's becoming less borg. It was gut-wrenching and awful for her, and you could absolutely understand why she related to what's-his-ace, and AS USUAL, Jeri Ryan hit it out of the park.
7x14. Prophecy
In which Tom Paris gets to flex his Klingon muscles, B'Elanna Torres is grouchy, and Harry Kim finds some new things to say FML about. THERE IS ALSO DOMESTICITY. How much we love this episode should surprise approximately no one.
7x15. The Void
The highlight of the episode is CHEF SEVEN'S SPECIAL DINNER (during which everyone mocks Tom Paris!) but the rest is Kathryn Janeway being awesome and principled, so overall: thumbs up!
7x16/7x17. Workforce
I have this bizarre bizarre fictional kink, that is possibly derived from watching this show at a young age, because it is essentially "Shattered" and "Workforce". If you are scratching your head, wondering what they have in common, it's... people being led around and having their lives explained to them. Seeing their future! ANYWAY ADMITTEDLY THAT BIASES ME HERE, BECAUSE OH MY GOD THE B'ELANNA AND NEELIX SCENES, but then maybe it doesn't, because everything about "Workforce" (except the doc, HAHA THEME FOR SEASON SEVEN :|) is the mooooooooooost delightful. The crew having fun with their memories wiped! Janeway being adorable with her moderately adorable boyfriend! Chakotay being endearing! TOM AND B'ELANNA: THE LOVE THAT LASTS THROUGH MEMORYWIPES. And Harry Kim being... so Harry Kim. AND THEN EVERYONE BANDS TOGETHER AND SAVES THE DAY (...SPOILER ALERT?) AND BASICALLY EVERYTHING IS THE GREATEST.
7x18. Human Error
I could write you a long, long list on why the Chakotay/Seven pairing is uncomfortable and was a TERRIBLE choice on the part of the writers, but there is one reason that eclipses all the others: the gap in mental maturity. Which is actually irrelevant to this episode, since in here Chakotay shows no interest in Seven at all-- it's a little reminiscent of B'Elanna's early-seasons crush on him, in fact, which was actually pretty endearing outside of, say, "Persistence of Vision". But the reason "Persistence of Vision" is nasty is the same reason Chakotay/Seven is nasty: Chakotay is... an adult. He is such an adult. He is calm and he is collected and he has all his demons taken care of. He has very little mental angst! He's like, 70 years old on the inside. And early seasons Chakotay adores B'Elanna but knows she's mentally 19, so he would never. So why does he get jiggy with Seven? This all is semi-irrelevant to this episode because he doesn't here, buuuuuut I can't say I understand why Seven is drawn to Chakotay. She has a more established friendship with every other dude on the senior staff, so it's just... really hard to see where she's coming from with this sudden onset of a crush that creates ~DEEP FEELING~ in her. I meaaaaaan, it's moderately plausible, FOR THE SAKE OF CONSIDERATION, that she would have a crush on him in the same kind of way you have a crush on your cute teacher in high school, but that is not love. THAT IS A CRUSH THAT SHOULD NOT TRIGGER YOUR BORG EMOTION CHIP FAILSAFE WHATEVER. Also... Chakotay. I mean come on. He's so... Chakotay. AND YAAAAAAY LET'S OBJECTIFY SEVEN EVEN MORE THAN SHE ALWAYS IS, apparently that's actually possible, gross. FURTHERMORE: this brings back Fair Haven feelings (in an admittedly different way) in that this whole holodeck thing? SO CREEPY. Although I actually think KJ might tell Seven that in here somewhere. Maybe. (Yeah, did I mention we only watched like ten seconds of this episode before I realized WHAT IT WAS and Catherine and I both flatly refused to touch it? THIS RANT COMES ENTIRELY FROM MEMORY OF THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME I SAW IT: WHEN IT AIRED. Rage really carries through the years.)
7x19. Q2
Um, so how many times can I claim an episode was "totally stupid, but awesome" without losing my credibility? I feel like we must have crossed that threshold somewhere in season 3. HMM. This episode is silly and kind of contrived, aaaaaaaand between this and "Q and the Grey" the trivialization of Q and the Q: in TNG Q fucks with them for the fun of it, but on Voyager he actually... needs help. Which messes with the original concept of his omnipotence. (With borg castration on top of this, I can almost see why a fan of of Next Gen would hate Voyager: except hahaha, NO I CANNOT, you are still all haters of fun.) TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, all of this pretty much only bothers us in theory, because in practice this episode is so silly and fun. ICHEB IS THE MOST ENDEARINGLY BORING BOY IN THE WORLD, KJ... I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH LOVE I HOLD IN MY HEART FOR THAT WOMAN, SERIOUSLY OMG (LIKE: I CAN ALMOST FORGIVE THE AFORMENTIONED Q DILEMMA, BECAUSE WHO WOULDN'T WANT KJ'S ADVICE, OMNIPOTENT BEING OR NO?), aaaaaaaaand there is joy and babysitting of bbq and AUNT KATHY and, well. ♥_____♥
7x20. Author, Author
For the record we veeeeery very close to giving this episode two separate ratings: a one for the A plot and a five for everything else. We've dealt with other episodes that were sort of... split down the middle between the good and the bad, so to speak, but this one took it to an extreme. The A plot is the Doc, and it is hideous, awful, and offensive. I'm kind of stuck between being mad at the writers for continuing to develop the Doctor into a TERRIBLE PERSON who is NOT FUN TO WATCH or being mad at the Doc himself, who went beyond pompous, egotistical ass into INSENSITIVE NARCISSITIC PRETENTIOUS DICKWAD. It takes the entirety of the first thirty minutes for it to get through his THICK, SHORT-SIGHTED HEAD that he is even being unkind. And then! He essentially gets rewarded for being a terrible human being (or hologram, WHATEVER) when all his friends talk about how great he is to the judge. THE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TESTIFYING THAT HE WASN'T PROGRAMMED TO BE SUCH A TWATWAFFLE, THEREFORE HE CLEARLY THINKS FOR HIMSELF. I hate everything season 7 chooses to be regarding this particular character, there is SO MUCH OF HIM and he is SO DESPICABLE IN ALL OF IT. I actually kind of hate him! ON VOYAGER. I LOVE EVERYONE ON VOYAGER. HOW DARE THEY DO THIS TO ME. So then: what could possibly redeem this to the point where we almost gave it a three? YOU GUYS IT'S LIKE... EVERYTHING ELSE IS SPECIFICALLY TAILORED TO OUR INTERESTS. I don't even know if I can list it all: it begins, naturally, with Harry Kim, who just loves his mommy and daddy and wants to talk to them. YOU GUYS, HE ACTUALLY SAYS "MOM" IN HIS CONVERSATION HOME. There is also some When Harry Met Seven stuff, in which Harry educates Seven on some valuable tenets of (familial) love, AND THEY ARE BOTH SUPER KIND TO EACH OTHER. In fact all the Seven stuff is SUPREMELY DELIGHTFUL: the eavesdropping was an incredible way to develop her humanity. Also: NOT ONLY IS THERE P/T, BUT THERE IS P/T CENTERED AROUND B'ELANNA'S ISSUES AND TOM BEING A SUPPORTIVE AND GREAT HUSBAND! Actually Tom is fantastic in this whole episode: calling the Doc out on his shit, being a great friend to Harry Kim, being generally entertaining and also a pillar of righteousness. WE LOVE YOU, THOMAS EUGENE. (Also we don't know if it's just us but Tom was not offensively fat like he's been! Looking at him was no longer difficult!) Anyway that is not even all that was great, but... jesus christ I'm getting long winded.
7x21. Friendship One
We... feel weirdly guilty for not hating this episode enough to give it only one star (well, okay, I do-- the only thing Catherine remembers about this episode is Tom Paris interacting with small radiated children). Ugh it hurts to think about Joe: his family hearing about this. HE'S SO STEADY AND HE'S BEEN THERE SO LONG, UGH ENGINEERING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITHOUT HIM. And it's cruel that this happens so close to the end, especially since the end is a TIME TRAVEL STORY in with the captain/admiral COULD HAVE TRAVELLED BACK A LITTLE BIT EARLIER and SAVED JOE CAREY. But the anticipation of Joseph Carey dying was almost more painful than the actual death. And the rest of the episode is actually okay, if (apparently) extremely forgettable.
7x22. Natural Law
The thing about Natural Law is that you expect it to be terrible the first time. You're three episodes away from the series finale, you know Chakotay/Seven is coming, and here you have... an episode about Chakotay and Seven stranded on a planet together. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, right? WRONG. Natural Law is 99.8% Chakotay/Seven free (and that 0.2% is just generated by the weight of your own uncomfortable paranoia)! And Chakotay gets to be IN HIS ELEMENT (which is to say: learning about indigenous tribes in the WOODS) and it is tragically endearing. AND SEVEN BEFRIENDS BABY INDIGENOUS AUTUMN REESER, and it is actually the most adorable thing you have ever seen. And meanwhile back on Voyager, Tom has to take piloting lessons because he got pulled over for speeding, and everyone makes fun of him. IT SO WOULD HAVE BEEN A FOUR, but the Chakotay and Seven conversational tag at the end is the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THING. Like, it's technically innocuous, BUT IT FEELS TOO MUCH LIKE A HARBINGER OF THINGS TO COME D: D: D:
7x23. Homestead
IT'S NOT EVEN JUST THAT NEELIX LEAVES (VOYAGER IS HIS HOME AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO EARTH AND OPEN A DQ THEME RESTAURANT GODDAMMIT), I just... did everything about this stupid episode have to be so completely contrived and terribly written?
7x24. Renaissance Man
The title kind of belies the fact that this is another Doc episode, but it is surprisingly enjoyable nonetheless! Which isn't to say the douchiness is gone: it is present. But KJ is a good counter to it, and ALL IS MADE UP by the Doc's string of not-Doc scenes: THE FACES HE MAKES AS B'ELANNA ARE LEGIT THE GREATEST. Aaaaaaaaaand the last scene is hilarious and everyone is perfect.
7x25/7x26. Endgame
IT'S THE END OF AN ERA, and of course these writers have to leave us with mixed feelings. This is the Chakotay/Seven episode! And it is, in fact, even more full of Chakotay/Seven than we remembered. I remembered two scenes: I guess I repressed the other eleven. THEIR ROMANCE IS LITERALLY HALF OF THIS EPISODE, AND I JUST... GROSS ME OUT THE DOOR. There is also a lot a lot of Reg Barclay, who, in the future, has insinuated himself so completely as an honorary member of the Voyager crew that he has become KJ's confidante! I JUST... THAT IS NOT THE WAY THESE THINGS GO, YOU GUYS. It is not. (However the potent combination of Reg and C/7 diiiiiid make Doc endearing again, so... thanks for that, I guess, guys!) Also, jesus christ this episode is SO GAY, in a Janeway/Seven kind of way, and I'm kind of not okay with that for the same reasons I'm not okay with Chakotay/Seven! SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SIXTEEN YOU CREEPERS. So prehaps are wondering why it got a three, then! POSSIBLY BECAUSE WE HAVE NEVER LOVED HARRY KIM SO MUCH and we... love Harry Kim. Also because TWO KATHRYN JANEWAYS, no futher explanation either. Also a little bit because of P/T and BABY MIRAL, but their scene in engineering is actually kind of awkwardly/terribly written, so. They are less of a factor than Kathryn and Harry. KATHRYN AND HARRY. Also Alice Krige is toooootally the best borg queen. And. And. I love this stupid show?
Anyway! We kept looking at review sites to guide us through our journey -- specifically Jim Wright's and monkee's and two others I can't remember, only to discover that... the ratings other people gave episodes had absolutely no bearing on how much we were going to enjoy the episodes. Because every single one of them rated them based on perceived quality. And like, who on earth watches Voyager for QUALITY TELEVISION? This is a ship that got eaten by giant space worm creatures on TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS.
So we endeavored to make our own episode guide, in which we rated the episodes based on (what else?) joy. I even stole some pretty stars from... somebody's 2009 movies post so that we could make a lovely scale:
DNW
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Tolerable!
Awesome?
I LOVE EVERYONE IN THIS BAR SHIP
the Salamander award for COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, would watch again
Naturally this is a completely subjective system that is pretty much only relevant to the two of us since... people are different! And different things bring them joy, I suppose. Weirdos. In fact, one might even say that this guide is irrelevant and useless to any person who is not... me or Catherine. But, for reference, here is a list of all the things that have biased this list:
WE LIKE: all the characters, BASICALLY ANYTHING TO DO WITH B'ELANNA TORRES, Harry Kim being ridiculous and adorable at all times but particularly in his terrible Harry Kim episodes, bonding time, ridiculous things like talent night, Kathryn Janeway's badassery (and magnificent head of hair), P(aris)/T(orres), mocking Neelix's cooking, "Maquis" and "Starfleet", crack, Q, the kissing parts, Mom and Dad, found family, time travel, best friends making fun of each other.
WE DISLIKE: manpain, watching Seven of Nine discovering her humanity again (mostly, sometimes our love for Seven herself gets the better of us), Kes' catsuits, ANY SUGGESTION OF CHAKOTAY/B'ELANNA, Kazon hair (but actually the entire species sucks, now that you mention it!), the idea of Neelix having a romantic relationship, the borg, Chakotay or Neelix-centric episodes (SPOILER ALERT: they always suck).
Anyway we had it all typed out! And then some combination of real life and not wanting Voyager to end and Bones and school caught up with us in September, and we never finished the last six episodes. BUT NOW WE HAVE, AND ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.
S1
1x01/1x02. Caretaker
I kind of wonder if my great love for Caretaker is a retrospect kind of thing, a "I LOVE ALL THESE PEOPLE AND LOOK WHAT BABIES THEY ARE HERE AWWWW *_________*" reaction; and someone who had never seen the show would feel completely differently about it. Maybe that's it! But I still think it's kind of totally awesome. Especially since part 1 is Harry Kim bonding with Tom Paris: professional misfit, and part 2 is Harry Kim bonding with B'Elanna Torres: lifelong angerball misfit. JOY!
1x03. Parallax
In this episode, Kathryn Janeway and B'Elanna Torres educate us on the second* rule of ST: Voyager: the girls are three times brainier than the boys. IT'S JUST A FACT.
*yeah we kinda forgot what we said the first rule was.
1x04. Time and Again
I DON'T KNOW, IT'S TECHNOBABBLY AND A LITTLE BORING, but it's KJ/Tom bonding and occasionally hilarious, SO I STAND BY MY FOUR.
1x05. Phage
Eh. But the Captain and Chakotay have an adorable bff scene at the very beginning!
1x06. The Cloud
The Cloud sets the tone for what Voyager should always be: COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS, AND YET AWESOME. IT IS PRETTY MUCH 100% EVERYONE BEING ADORABLE AND GOING THROUGH VARIOUS BONDING RITUALS. ♥_________♥
1x07. Eye of the Needle
So yes, Eye of the Needle is kind of boring. However. However. ...god it's hard to explain that we gave it an extra star for having a super adorable Harry&B'Elanna scene (HE'S JUST SO SAD SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT THE AQ LIKE HIM) and for KJ being pretty without sounding like a completely ridiculous person. But those are the reasons.
1x08. Ex Post Facto
Suave Tom's greatest triumph is... actually kind of boring. But it introduces us to Tuvok Holmes, P.I.! And Mama Bear KJ.
1x09. Emanations
I do not know what it is about Emanations, BUT IT MAKES ME FEEL ICKY INSIDE. Possibly it's because Harry dies, buuuuuuuut please, Harry only dies all the time, it's not like this time is particularly unique or lifescarring. So who knows. MAYBE I JUST HATE IT. (However! Harry episodes often have these great scenes in which Kathryn Janeway bestows her wisdom on young green Harry Kim, and this establishes that tradition! I guess it should get points for that but I don't feel like giving it any. So there.)
1x10. Prime Factors
Sooooooo Prime Factors is kind of gross! They visit a planet of people obsessed with ~pleasure~, which is awkward. And Harry and KJ kind of get love interests, which is super awkward. Since at this point they both have... significant others back home. In the AQ. And no one but them does, so why give them pleasure planet ~special friends~ and not, I don't know, Tom Paris the failed womanizer? Or BLT? Hell, even Chakotay is single and ready to mingle! YOU HAVE A WEALTH OF PRETTY UNATTACHED PEOPLE, SHOW. But then. This this scene exists, aaaaaand god, how very very much I loooove B'Elanna Torres and Harry Kim. But no, as a whole it is still gross. And boring.
1x11. State of Flux
OKAY I JUST... SERIOUSLY, WHAT EVEN. If you are going to construct a whodunnit, the suspects should not be SESKA AND CAREY, because... seriously, there is not a question of guilt there, and you will just spend the entire episode thinking "God, Tuvok and KJ are NOT THIS DUMB!!!" (Chakotay kind of is. WE LOVE HIM, BUT HE'S A LITTLE DIM.)
1x12. Heroes and Demons
My vividest recollections of this episode are KJ's Seven of Nine hair and loling forever over the idea that Harry Kim plays Beowulf on the holodeck. Sadly there is also a plot.
1x13. Cathexis
It's a little unclear to us how Chakotay being braindead differs from the norm, but. We will go with it! Also featuring B'Elanna Torres doing totally ridiculous (and endearing) things in the name of her crush on Chakotay. (Oh god it's SO LAME, seriously. I don't know why I like this one at all, let alone so much, but it is such great completely stupid scifi.)
1x14. Faces
Essentially our Faces feelings can be summed up with "B'ELANNAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" and "THOMAS EUGENE PARIS, YOU STAND-UP GUY, YOU" and "GOD KLINGON B'ELANNA IS A BAMF".
1x15. Jetrel
Neelix is one those characters who just... should never have been given a tragic backstory and an opportunity for manpain. Actually it's even kind of endearing that he's cheerful all the time knowing... what I know after suffering through this episode but I also just. Gross, Neelix manpain! Let's never speak of this again.
1x16. Learning Curve
The cheese subplot is essentially THE GREATEST THING EVER, from the classic BLT line to the Doctor babying the slab of cheese in sickbay (caaaaaan we talk about how much I love Star Trek: Voyager? Because the answer is a lot), and the Professor Tuvok stuff is not as tedious as one might think. Also featuring Chakotay, demonstrating his ~Maquis leadership skills~.
S2
2x01. The 37s
Occasionally Voyager does these cloying, oversentimental looks at the (fictional) history of space travel. They... suck.
2x02. Initiations
I resent this episode guide for making me unrepress this episode. LOOK, WHOEVER THOUGHT WATCHING CHAKOTAY MENTOR A TEENAGE KAZON WOULD MAKE FOR A WORTHWHILE USE OF AN HOUR SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO REASSESS THEIR PRIORITIES.
2x03. Projections
AUGH I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT HOW BAD THIS IS. I like. Just. Don't touch it. We like Doc/Kes and this is the only bone the show ever threw us in that vein, but it is NOT WORTH IT.
2x04. Elogium
Elogium is classic hilarious Voyager-- the A plot is incredible ("WE SEEM TO HAVE LOST OUR SEX APPEAL, CAPTAIN") and lolzy and there's bffing and KJ is adorable and smiley. But then. Intercut among the five star calibre stuff there is so much Neelix/Kes, and it is SO GROSS. It is a very strange combination.
2x05. Non Sequitur
This is... not a good episode. But we derived pathetic amounts of pleasure from making fun of Tom Paris' vest? And... it is about Harry Kim. AND I JUST LOVE IT, OKAY, SHUT UP. (It is undeniably a season 2 highlight, though, however shitty it might seem in the context of other, less painful seasons of television.)
2x06. Twisted
+ 1/2
THIS EPISODE IS DELIGHTFUL!!! There are many many highlights, including Chakotay and Tuvok being manly manly men, Kes' birthday party, a really touching scene between Tuvok and KJ, and the fact that the plot actually functions as part of the bffing instead of a distraction from it! Also if your definition of an episode having P/T includes "Tom and B'Elanna have completely platonic scenes with each other including a shoulderpat" like ours does, then... congratulations! This episode has P/T. Alsooooo, enjoy this moment when B'Elanna's crush on Chakotay is still endearing, because folks, it's about to get gross.
2x07. Parturtion
Parturtion is maybe most memorable to us as the episode where the girls pool their replicator rations for a blowdryer with truly unfortunate results. But it's actually pretty fun if you are not easily distracted by bad hair! Neelix and Tom play uncle to a bb alien reptile! And get in a hair pasta fight!
2x08. Persistence of Vision
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH MY EYES
(the handful of watchable things about this episode loop back around to offensive again, to be honest, because nothing should be allowed to be good in Persistence of Vision).
2x09. Tattoo
This episode is about Chakotay and his "people", I don't think I need to explain further. (EXCEPT TO SAY THAT THE TERRIBLENESS OF SEASON 2 IN GENERAL IS SO MUCH FUNNIER NOW THAT I DON'T HAVE TO WATCH IT.)
2x10. Cold Fire
Idk guys, sometimes it's hard to elaborate past the ZZZZZZZZ factor.
2x11. Maneuvers
Yeah, it's about Seska and the Kazon, the fact that we couldn't finish this episode should surprise no one.
2x12. Resistance
JANEWAY IS SO THE PRETTIEST CAPTAIN, OMG YOU GUYS. This episode also features the first appearance of TEAM AWESOME, which consists of Captain KJ, B'Elanna, and Tuvok. LIKE SERIOUSLY, TALK ABOUT SOME BADASSES, they kick some alien behind. ...and then get thrown in jail. Which is too bad, because as it turns out, Chakotay, Tom, and Harry? Not so good at running a ship without the girls.
2x13. Prototype
+ 1/2
It's season 2, so naturally even the B'Elanna Torres episodes are bland and uninteresting, buuuuuuut this one has some adorable moments. And it was just wrong to give it the same grade as "Tattoo", so, there you go.
2x14. Alliances
If I never have to watch a Kazon episode again it will be too soon. OH GOD THEY LIKE, COMPLETELY BLEND IN YOUR HEAD, I have no idea what this was actually about but I assure you it was terrible.
2x15. Threshold
There are many many people who remember nothing about Voyager but this episode: it is legitimately that godawful, a classic of the shittiest writing. It's also completely hilarious, full of three musketeers, and tbh, A SEASON 2 HIGHLIGHT. And terrible. In a "oh shit I'm literally CRYING WITH LAUGHTER" kind of way.
2x16. Meld
Theoretically I like Tuvok Holmes, P.I., but in practice the episodes are almost always boring city. This is the Lon Suder episode, but it is also the episode where Lon Suder isn't awesome. Blerg.
2x17. Dreadnought
I guess perhaps if theoretically you were one of those weirdos with a heart that doesn't swell at the sight of B'Elanna Torres, this would not interest you at all. Aaaaaaand to be honest it is only so interesting. But. Well. It's about B'Elanna. Being B'Elanna. And sometimes that is enough. Also it's a good thing this comes between "Meld" and "Death Wish", because I think the whiplash would have actually killed us if we had gone straight into the good stretch from the PAIN AND MISERY stretch.
2x18. Death Wish
Q SHENANIGANS ARE OUR FAVORITE SHENANIGANS, PRETTY MUCH. And this is Voyager's best Q episode! You know, actual quality-wise.
2x19. Lifesigns
Sweet and endearing? But in a moderately unmemorable way?
2x20. Investigations
We were totally dreading this. I mean, it was about the Kazon, and it culminates the Tom pretends to be a bad boy for ~security reasons~ arc. But then it was sneak attack wonderful? Specifically mostly because Neelix is gossip girl. But also because everybody loves Tom Paris and... I don't know. It was just surprisingly enjoyable.
2x21. Deadlock
YOU CANNOT GO BAD WITH TWO KATHRYN JANEWAYS AND I JUST OMG YOU GUYS, THIS EPISODE.
2x22. Innocence
TUVOK SINGS TO CHILDREN. You need to know nothing else (except that this isn't a one-hit wonder and the rest is reasonably enjoyable, so you don't have to skip to the singing part).
2x23. The Thaw
+ 1/2
By the end of The Thaw, we were both so scared we were reaching for stuffed animals. I would say it did what it intended.
2x24. Tuvix
Boring, preachy, creepy (in the case of Tuvix himself), we couldn't finish it.
2x25. Resolutions
We... find joy in the pain of Chakotay's neverending quest to get laid in the big woods?
2x26/3x01. Basics
Not as shitty as you'd expect, considering it's about the Kazon? The first part is boring, but then it gets better! And it has Lon Suder saving the day and being awesome! Then he dies because Voyager is physically incapable of resolving any moral dilemmas ever! Also KJ looks really pretty when she's stranded on the planet! NOT THAT WE'RE UH, BIASED. OR ANYTHING.
S3
3x02. Flashback
Whoever wrote this had a hardcore nerd boner for TOS, and not... in a good way.
3x03. The Chute
EPISODES ABOUT BEST FRIENDS SHOULD NOT SUCK THIS MUCH, seriously. Although bonus points for KJ saving the day with her compression phaser rifle.
3x04. The Swarm
I'm pretty sure we would be giving this episode 2 stars if it didn't start out with Tom and B'Elanna flirting, but uh. At least we acknowledge our biases? I can only half remember the actual plot, but it wasn't offensively boring, so it gets a tentative thumb up in the end.
3x05. False Profits
You would think that the whole "lost in the DQ" thing would kind of put a stopper on Ferengi episodes. You would think. But... this exists nonetheless.
3x06. Remember
IT PAINS ME TO GIVE A SCORE THIS LOW TO A B'ELANNA TORRES EPISODE, but god, why would you devote quality Torres screentime to this drivel? There's also a really horribly awkward B'Elanna/Chakotay conversation, so overall I pretty much never want to sit through this again.
3x07. Sacred Ground
Um, not exactly a favorite forever, buuuuuut it is about KATHRYN JANEWAY, co-starring her truly beautiful hair, so, you know. Thumbs up!
3x08/3x09. Future's End
THANK GOD FOR "MAN, LET'S TRAVEL BACK TO 1996" EPISODES, or we never would have experienced Tuvok in thugwear.
3x10. Warlord
Dear Voyager: you should have less episodes about characters we like... not being themselves! That would be nice.
3x11. The Q and the Grey
+ 1/2
Stupid, except for the part where it's AWESOME.
3x12. Macrocosm
If anyone tries to claim Kirk/Picard/Sisko/Archer is a bigger badass than Kathryn M. Janeway, they haven't seen this episode. NOW WITH BONUS P/T!
3x13. Fair Trade
Blah blah blah Neelix blah blah blah morality blah blah blah blah... wait, okay, that's it.
3x14. Alter Ego
In this (arguably kind of shitty), Harry Kim falls in love with a hologram, once again becomes the laughingstock of the ship, everyone goes to a luau, Tuvok plays a starring role, and Tom gets de-nied. Um, yeah.
3x15. Coda
I LOVE CODA. It is so difficult to summarize because essentially it is a bunch of ridiculous scifi cliches rolled into one episode. One of those scifi cliches is the "I'm here but no one sees me, how do I get my crew to notice me!" (actually I don't know if that's a science fiction cliche or a Star Trek cliche), which I love so much. Did I mention this episode stars Captain Janeway? And has mom and dad bffing? AND THAT I LOVE IT?
3x16. Blood Fever
ESSENTIALLY, KNOWING THIS EPISODE WAS COMING SOMEDAY IS WHAT HAD US PERSEVERING THROUGH SEASON 2. I just... omg. OMG. If every television show would give a character a violent mating urge and then throw her in some caves with a guy who then has to resist her because he loves her, THE WORLD WOULD BE A MAGICAL PLACE. AND. AND. ♥____________♥
3x17. Unity
This episode is a moderate wonder in that I'm 99% sure this is the only time in the entire series that Commander Crash gets in a shuttle that doesn't... well, crash. You're kind of on the edge of your seat the whole time, waiting for it, and by the end you're just... confused about why suddenly he can pilot something. That doesn't make it worth watching though: a pretty random ensign has to die in the name of Chakotay and his space babe of the week. Poor baby.
3x18. Darkling
SHIT CITY, FRIENDS. Also this is when Kes started in with catsuits instead of moderately Rodarteish space dresses and... god, seriously, why.
3x19. Rise
Rise is our little black hole of memory. We know it's the only episode neither of us have seen. We know we skipped it during our rewatch, although we don't remember why, and considering neither of us has seen it it doesn't really make sense that we did. IT'S A DISAPPEARING ACT IN AN EPISODE*.
*it's probably not, god knows what it's actually about. We definitely don't.
3x20. Favorite Son
While this episode suffers from an absolutely insipid plotline (~PLANET FULL OF KILLER HOTTIES~) and we didn't watch the second half because of that, IT HAS THE BEST HARRY&B'ELANNA SCENE OF THEM ALL, it's kind of lolzy, and Harry Kim is, once again, the laughingstock of the week.
3x21. Before and After
WE HAVE GREAT AFFECTION FOR THIS EPISODE, because a) it's awesome, b) Kes is awesome, c) YOU CAN NEVER GO WRONG WITH TIME TRAVEL SHENANIGANS, and d) P/T cleverly disguised as Tom/Kes!
3x22. Real Life
YOU WILL PROBABLY CRY. Although it might be from joy when the scene about the klingon romance novel comes up.
3x23. Distant Origin
DINOSAURS IN SPACE
3x24. Displaced
Even though the point, I suppose, of this episode guide is rejecting other review sites and their weird love of actual quality, I love Jim Wright's analysis of Displaced. I love and agree with everything he says, but he's very right, specifically, about the A plot functioning mostly as part of the Tom and B'Elanna B plot. And given that, it is unsurprising that our love for this episode is deep and true. It... might even be my actual, #1 favorite. Maybe.
3x25. Worst Case Scenario
This episode is awesome because: a) Tom and B'Elanna!, b) Tom and Tuvok!, c) holodeck shenanigans, d) fakeouts, and most importantly e) COMPRESSION PHASER RIFLES. Plus an honorable mention for attention to detail.
3x26/4x01. Scorpion
+ 1/2
We have subtitled this episode "scary new Voyager" because suddenly everything is real and the world is mean and it's weird because you're watching legitimately good television but YOU JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY. I MEAN THERE IS SO MUCH ULTIMATE BAMF KATHRYN JANEWAY, BUT OUR SOULS WERE BLEEDING OUT SLOWLY.
S4
4x02. The Gift
Yeah, the only reason we got through this episode (which is not genuinely terrible, it just happens to be THE LAST KES EPISODE) is because "Day of Honor" came after it.
4x03. Day of Honor
FIVE STARS WOULD (AND DID) WATCH AGAIN (AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN). Plus it saved us from the pit of despair, so it gets even more accolades for this.
4x04. Nemesis
We finally taught ourselves to just skip the Chakotay episodes entirely \o/
4x05. Revulsion
There is this scene in this one, which involves against-the-wall kissing and a little hand grab that is actually enough to make me forget that most of this episode was a boring story about a scary hologram. A couple other things were adorable too, SO I FEEL OKAY ABOUT GIVING IT FOUR STARS.
4x06. The Raven
Too much Seven too soon, when the wounds from losing Kes were still smarting. ALSO: SUPER BORING. It is the beginning of a beautiful Tuvok & Seven bffship, though.
4x07. Scientific Method
A three-star episode elevated by several things, among them a) hormonal Tom and B'Elanna, b) Kathryn Janeway being a BAMF (although that's not exactly unusual), c) Tuvok and Janeway and their beaaaaaautiful friendship, and most importantly d) "SMELLS GOOD!".
4x08/4x09. Year of Hell
+ 1/2
This episode is so good, and so full of little moments teeming with the love the senior staff has for each other, but ultimately it can't be a 5 because it hurts. And because KATHRYN JANEWAY CUT HER BEAUTIFUL HAIR.
4x10. Random Thoughts
A kind of boring episode, but it has Tuvok Holmes, P.I. and everyone loves B'Elanna, so it's not exactly difficult to sit through.
4x11. Concerning Flight
KJ's hair is particularly bad in this one!
4x12. Mortal Coil
NEELIX AND CHAKOTAY, what a pair!
4x13. Waking Moments
THE DREAAAAAAAAAMS!!! Tuvok and Harry's in particular are delightful (partially because of the subsequent discussions they create), and there is a lot of bffing, it's just that there is also a lot of Chakotay. God it's not even that we don't love Chakotay, because we do love him, but... in small doses. Please.
4x14. Message in a Bottle
TWO INCOMPETENT HOLOGRAMS + THEIR GIANT EGOS = GREAT LOLZ TO BE HAD.
4x15. Hunters
There is a lovely Tom and B'Elanna scene embedded in this one, and Harry Kim is pretty much adorable, but mostly it's just super boring.
4x16. Prey
Season 4: home of the shitty Seven episode.
4x17. Retrospect
IT JUST WOULDN'T END.
4x18/4x19. Killing Game
NAZIS IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE
Also everyone is really attractive in 40s garb? :D? So, uh, to summarize, THIS EPISODE IS BASICALLY EVERYTHING I WILL EVER WANT FROM TELEVISION.
4x20. Vis A Vis
OH HEY DOUCHETARDED TOM PARIS, so nice to see you!
4x21. The Omega Directive
God, who even cares.
4x22. Unforgettable
The "forgettable" joke just makes itself, sry2say.
4x23. Living Witness
UM, this episode is basically "what if they were evil?" AU fanfic. :D?
4x24. Demon
If you have half a brain cell the utter lack of logic and reason in this storyline will make you roll your eyes. AND THEN SUDDENLY IT'S FUNNY? IDEK.
4x25. One
ONLY WORTH IT FOR THE BOOKENDS.
4x26. Hope and Fear
The best part about this episode is the part where we get to be done with season 4.
S5
5x01. Night
SORRY KIDS, MOMMY CAN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW, BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU (THIS EPISODE IS A VERITABLE FEAST OF FOUND FAMILY AND JOY AND CAPTAIN PROTON).
5x02. Drone
+ 1/2
IDK, SEVEN HAS A BABBY DRONE AND THEY ARE SOCIAL RETARDS TOGETHER? It's pretty adorable.
5x03. Extreme Risk
Oh god, we were so torn about this episode. Because on the one hand it is basically the greatest offense on the Voyager-sucks-at-continuity-and-arcs scale (I'M SORRY, YOU CANNOT GIVE A MAIN CHARACTER SEVERE ONGOING DEPRESSION WITHOUT A. BUILDING UP TO IT OR B. MENTIONING IT AFTERWARD). Furthermore it's stupid that HER BEST FRIEND HARRY and especially HER BOYFRIEND TOM are so oblivious (I REFUSE TO BELIEVE HE WAS NOT LYING IN THAT STUPID BRIEFING, I just... whatever, show, he would have known long before Chakotay and Janeway started cluing in -- and I cannot believe Tom Paris would say the thing about painsticks that he did in "Night" unless he, you know, knew) and... blaaaaaaarg. However the idea is very B'Elanna and very interesting, I just... wish it had been done right. Also B'Elanna's scenes with Neelix are the sweetest thing. Basically this episode would have been better if it had been about Janeway's revelation that her chief engineer was severely depressed. And if she hadn't been spontaneously healed by the magic of banana pancakes. IT WILL TAKE WORK, THE SUPPORT OF HER BOYFRIEND, THE COMMAND TEAM CONSTANTLY CHECKING UP ON HER, NEELIX USING HIS OWN REPLICATOR ACCOUNT TO KEEP HER WELL FED, AND THE MAGICAL HEALING POWER OF HUGS FROM HARRY KIM.
5x04. In The Flesh
LOLOLOLOLOL CHAKOTAY/ELLEN TIGH
I'm sorry, that's all I can hear over the sound of how stupid this episode is.
(besides Kathryn Janeway's beauuuuuuuutiful hair)
5x05. Once Upon A Time
Sweet, worth watching, aww Naomi Wildman. Yeah.
5x06. Timeless
OKAY SO: keep in mind that the stars indicate JOY and not QUALITY, this episode is legitimately good television, and if the stars were about quality it would probably deserve a 5. But like, who watches Voyager for the quality stuff? YEAH THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT. Idk, it is a heart-hurter, and bitter, sad Harry Kim is almost too much for me. HOWEVER: DRUNK SEVEN OF NINE. And some other good stuff hidden in there too.
5x07. Infinite Regress
You know how sometimes you just want to be like "THANK GOD when they hired their well-endowed blonde they accidentally stumbled upon someone who could actually act? Well?". THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES. This episode includes: a) regular, endearing, emotionally retarded Seven of Nine, b) FERENGI SEVEN OF NINE, c) Klingon Seven of Nine hitting on B'Elanna (not that Seven of Nine's crush on B'Elanna isn't legitimate even when she is not a channelling a crazy Klingon dude), d) Seven bonding with idk her bff Naomi over Kadis Kot. IN CONCLUSION: adorable!
5x08. Nothing Human
This is legitimately good television, but I will not pretend my favorite thing about it is not TOM THE LOVING BOYFRIEND. (I am less pleased with the fact that it created a wedge between Captain KJ and B'Elanna :[. LIKE, A LEGITIMATE WEDGE WITH REASONS, BUT. BUT. Oh well, it's Voyager, no one will remember this next week.)
5x09. Thirty Days
Hey guess what Tom Paris, I don't give a shit about your Daddy issues! (I do, however, give a shit about your girlfriend, IF ONLY SHE HAD MORE THAN 1.25 SCENES IN THIS.)
5x10. Counterpoint
KJ gets a boyfriend who's super into mood music. It's not awesome.
5x11. Latent Image
I paid attention the whole time, I'll give it that? BONUSES: Janeway babysits the Doc, and Tuvok is a mother hen.
5x12. Bride of Chaotica!
CAPTAIN PROTON. QUEEN ARACHNIA. THE DEATH RAY. IDEK THAT THERE ARE WORDS.
5x13. Gravity
Tbh it is actually pretting boring, but it has babby Tuvok and is BASICALLY SECRETLY ALL ABOUT HOW MUCH TOM PARIS LOVES HIS GIRLFRIEND, so it gets an extra star.
5x14. Bliss somewhere between
and
, I can't decide. like 3.75.
V. enjoyable, also enjoyed the parts in the beginning with Tom and a small child. You don't know my life.
5x15/5x16. Dark Frontier Pt. 2
There are claims that Voyager "ruined" the borg. They did. This is when it happens. THERE IS NO REASON A LITTLE BITTY FEDERATION SHIP ALL BY ITSELF IN THE DQ SHOULD BE ABLE TO OUTWIT/ESCAPE/DEFEAT THE BORG LIKE, EIGHT TIMES IN ONE EPISODE (I think it was actually three or four instead of eight, but WHATEVER, MY POINT STILL STANDS). Also this is a Seven discovering humanity (with the aide of Janeway) episode, HOW DELIGHTFUL, BECAUSE THAT HAS NEVER EVER BEEN EXPLORED BEFORE. Naomi Wildman: actually the highlight of this episode.
5x17. The Disease
LOOOOL IT'S SO SO SO BAD, but it has a) the first three Musketeers scene in AGES, even if it only lasts for three seconds, b) some sweet Harry and Janeway stuff, c) some hilarious Harry and Seven stuff. Plus like, OH HARRY, you would think that it was ~true love~ every time you got laid by an alien babe of the week. I LIKE, ALMOST WANT TO ELEVATE IT TO THREE STARS BECAUSE ENDEARING STUFF HAPPENS, but no, it's still super shitty.
5x18. Course: Oblivion
Your heart will break at least fifteen times, but it will be worth it.
5x19. The Fight
Although in this case, "DNW" would stand for "Did Not Watch", because who wants to subject themselves to forty-two minutes of Chakotay boxing? Barf.
5x20. Think Tank
OH GOD JASON ALEXANDER GTFO AND STOP MAKING ME RESENT SEVEN, we were so far past that before you came to roost. (Elevated from a one star ranking because YOU BET YOUR ASS THE SENIOR STAFF PLAYS ELECTRONIC PUZZLE GAMES ON THE BRIDGE.)
5x21. Juggernaut
This episode is basically about how much everyone (Tom, Chakotay, KJ, Neelix, Tuvok) loves B'Elanna Torres. MUCH JOY TO BE HAD.
5x22. Someone To Watch Over Me
Socially awkward Seven is totally the third best Seven (after drunk Seven and multiple personality disorder Seven. BUT IT WAS CLOSE).
5x23. 11:59
This is basically an episode of boring and unnecessary millenium flashbacks, but uh. They become strangely endearing after awhile? And Kate Mulgrew is super pretty? And there is some hardcore senior staff bonding? So.
5x24. Relativity
I will not spoil you for the best part of this episode (it involves Kathryn Janeway being a BAMF) but uh! TEMPORAL SHENANIGANS! FUCK YEAH TIME TRAVEL!
5x25. Warhead
THANKS, WRITERS, but we have already watched both "Dreadnought" and "Darkling" and did not need to see those two plots we were already familiar with smushed together into one even messier episode! However, Harry Kim is ridiculously adorable, especially when he's quoting rulebooks and paired with his bff B'Elanna Torres, so... that saves this shitpile from a one star fate.
5x26/6x01. Equinox
The best part of this episode by far (the BLT scene in the mess hall: MAKE SURE TO CATCH HARRY KIM'S MOSTLY HIDDEN FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AS WELL AS THE "LOL TOM" GLANCES BETWEEN B'ELANNA AND HARRY) happens way too early and makes it harder to care about the rest of it, especially since the Janeway-goes-over-the-edge storyline isn't handled very well/comes on too suddenly and IS DISTRESSING. There's some nice stuff, though: this is one of our favorite episodes for Chakotay (HE IS A PILLAR OF RIGHTEOUSNESS), there's some lolzy singing stuff, and a evil!Doc gets owned.
S6
6x02. Survival Instinct
This episode is the weirdest combination of ZZZZZZZZ (plot) and THINGS THAT ARE SO WONDERFUL YOU COULD JUST CRY WITH JOY (everything else).
6x03. Barge of the Dead
TY, VOYAGER WRITERS, FOR REALIZING THAT THE "EVERYONE ON VOYAGER ADORES B'ELANNA TORRES" THEME IS A GOOD THEME TO REPEAT. Like, over and over and over.
6x04. Tinker, Tenor, Doctor, Spy
TUVOK I UNDERSTAND! YOU ARE A VULCAN MAN! YOU HAVE JUST GONE WITHOUT! FOR SEVEN YEARS... ABOUT!
6x05. Alice
On one hand, I was mad at Tom Paris for his return sojourn into douchetarded land, even though we didn't even watch the middle! And were therefore lucky enough to miss most of the truly douchetarded moments. But it begins with Tuvok teasing and it ends with Tom and B'Elanna being grown ups about their relationship (THEME FOR SEASON 6, see also: Barge of the Dead) so I guess it can have the extra star. If it's nice to me.
6x06. Riddles
Tuvok: :D? :D? :D?
Neelix: ♥_♥
6x07. Dragon's Teeth
DEAR VOYAGER WRITERS: including Naomi Wildman in really boring episodes is BLATANT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION, and it makes us cranky.
6x08. One Small Step...
These overly sentimental looks at the past are never entertaining, sry2say. (Also starring: GI Joe!)
6x09. The Voyager Conspiracy
Ridiculousness (KATHRYN JANEWAY IS NOT THAT DUMB, and... well, Chakotay is, but he's also loyal, so it doesn't work on his end either) saturated with some adorableness. Also okay, powers that be, if you don't want people shipping Janeway and Chakotay, what is with date night/candlelit dinners? I don't even actively ship them and MAN.
6x10. Pathfinder
+ 1/2
It's the battle of the good vs. bad: on the one hand, you have DEANNA TROI!, Neelix the cat, Admiral Paris secretly being a teddy bear who loves his son, that comm transmission (which we were embarrassingly pleased by, we're such saps), and the lolzy holographic recreations of the Voyagers. On the other hand, it's one of those Voyager lite weeks where you don't get enough of your crew, and there's Reginald Barclay being a creepster, and so much secondhand embarrassment. Actually, it's sad how all the lovely delightful things don't really make it that much better.
6x11. Fair Haven
THIS EPISODE IS SO MUCH DNW THAT NOT EVEN EVERYONE BESIDES KATHRYN JANEWAY BEING ADORABLE COULD KEEP YOU FROM HURLING. Seriously? First Equinox, then Voyager Conspiracy, AND THEN THIS DRIVEL??????? You can really fucking tell that they are out of female writing staff, because no woman would write her woman captain this way. When Harry had his holographic romance, he didn't actually do anything, she turned out to be a real person, AND HE DID NOT REPROGRAM HER TO MEET HIS SPECIFICATIONS. JFC, CREEPY TECHNOLOGY 1000%
6x12. Blink of an Eye
Yet another case of Naomi Wildman being pulled out to keep a show entertaining, but this time it's okay because the boringness of the plot is also tempered by the senior staff being giant nerds.
6x13. Virtuoso
A giant whopping case of too much of a good thing-- up until this episode, the Doctor and his giant ego are endearing, but an entire episode dedicated to his love for himself and his singing is just, ughhhhhhhh. (THE LAST SCENE IS SUPER CUTE THOUGH.)
6x14. Memorial
I WILL NOT LIE, the third star is entirely for the first five minutes of this episode, in which the boys go on an away mission and on their prodigal return, B'Elanna is practically bursting with excitement over the gift she made Tom. And then they are adorably domestic! The rest, however, is a case of the Voyager-cast-as-people-other-than-themselves trope, which the writers do not seem to get sick of! Which sucks, because we've been sick of it since it started.
6x15. Tsunkatse
The first half of this episode is solid four territory (because of bffing, what else? THANK GOD FOR CREW SHENANIGANS) but somewhere in the middle, after everyone has loled about how they could totally take Harry, Chakotay and B'Elanna have enjoyed their violence, and Seven and Tuvok have run off to spend shore leave together, it becomes a two, and you totally disengage. SIGH. THE WRESTLING EPISODE SHOULD BE MORE LOLZY/ENJOYABLE.
6x16. Collective
Hey, a tolerable borg episode! Weird.
6x17. Spirit Folk
THIS MAY ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORSE THAN FAIR HAVEN, WE DIDN'T GET FAR ENOUGH INTO IT TO FIND OUT. The only part that did not make us want to die was finding out that B'Elanna hates that stupid fucking program almost as much as we do.
6x18. Ashes to Ashes
OH, POWERS THAT BE. Putting this gem after Spirit Folk. I see what you did there. You thought anything would look good next to that drivel. NOT SO! This is moderately less offensive drivel, and it is countered by Tom making fun of Harry, mommy Seven, and Harry bonding with Mezoti, but it it still drivel, AND WE WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS KIND OF BLATANT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION ANY LONGER >:(
6x19. Child's Play
So it was kind of boring, and stealthily shitty writing (in the form of creating a moral dilemma and then undermining it). It had a science fair! And mommy Seven! And we're easily swayed sometimes.
6x20. Good Shepherd
A very solid 3 -- most of the other season 6 3s have been tentative. The storyline gets kind of weird and confusing at points, but taken as a whole it's very endearing and enjoyable.
6x21. Live Fast and Prosper
HEY NEELIX, you have a rival for president of the LtCmdr Tuvok fan club!
6x22. Muse
SUCH! A! DELIGHT!
6x23. Fury
WOULD NOT TOUCH WITH A TEN HUNDRED FOOT POLE IF YOU PAID ME.
6x24. Life Line
A genuinely enjoyable episode tempered in its rating by lack of "meanwhile back in the DQ" and too much Barclay. Also lol the fact that they sent the Doctor in the first place, why is everyone always so... fine with leaving Tom Paris as the Chief Medical Officer? BUT HEY DEANNA, we're always glad to see you.
6x25. The Haunting of Deck Twelve
I want to kiss whoever thought to combine Neelix's storytelling, gossipy Naomi, BAMF KJ, Tal Celes, a talking to the ship theme, and general crew shenanigans in one episode.
S7
6x26./7x01. Unimatrix Zero
Borg castration and a creepy boyfriend for Seven of Nine, YAAAAAAAAAY. Otherwise it's okay. And has P/T! And Team Awesome!
7x02. Imperfection
Uh, this is a pretty standard Seven-discovers-humanity episode and yet it's AWESOME??? There's a truly touching Seven & B'Elanna scee embedded in here, and SO MUCH ICHEB LOVING HIS MOMMY, and uh, have I mentioned I love Jeri Ryan? Because I do.
7x03. Drive
THEY. GET. MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRIED!!!!! And make fun of Harry Kim!
7x04. Repression
Moderately boring Maquis/Tuvok Holmes, P.I./Tuvok goes crazy stuff, the extra star is for continuity (CHELL!!!) and Tuvok wearing 3D glasses.
7x05. Critical Care
KJ ALREADY HAS A MAN, YOU GUYS. (The rest is inoffensively boring in a strangely engaging way.)
7x06. Inside Man
THIS REGINALD BARCLAY THING HAS GONE TOO FAR. In the other "meanwhile back in the AQ" stories he's a lowly lieutenant among many who happens to have a good idea. BUT WHY WOULD THEY LET HIM WASTE DATASTREAM SPACE ON A HOLOGRAM OF REG BARCLAY? WTF IS THAT GOING TO DO? I'M PRETTY SURE EVERYONE WOULD RATHER LETTERS. PLUS THEN HE'S POPULAR AMONG THE CREW AND THAT SUCKS AND IS ALSO A LIE, AND KJ IS OFFENSIVELY NAIVE. Not even the adorable Musketeers scene and Deanna (plus a bone thrown about our secret shameful ship, Riker/Troi) make this one okay >:(
7x07. Body and Soul
JERI RYAN WINS ALL THE AWARDS, and this episode is very entertaining, plus there is (barely, we're good at reaching) some Harry/Seven-- on the surface it's a pretty solid 4. But there's some uncomfortable underlying stuff-- mostly how obviously angry Seven is about the things the Doctor does while in her body (overindulge in food and wine, become sexually aroused). Doc is moderately apologetic, and Seven continually consents to let him continue -- but only because his life is at risk. But idk, it's still kind of creepy, and there's some latent homophobia, and the final Doctor & Seven scene in sickbay feels out of place because of all that.
7x08. Nightingale
HARRY (AND HIS BFF SEVEN), OFF TO SAVE THE WORLD COMMAND A SHIP! Also, B'ELANNA/ICHEB. I'm sure if I were to put on some objectivity glasses, this episode would be kind of weird and sucky, but as it is I think it's AWESOME.
7x09/7x10. Flesh and Blood
TOO MUCH HIROGEN, TOO MUCH DOC, TOO MUCH ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
7x11. Shattered
Alternately titled, "Memory Lane", "♥_♥", "So This Is Why We Love Voyager So God Damn Much", or "WE LOVE YOU CHAKOTAY".
7x12. Lineage
THIS IS BASICALLY VOYAGER'S GIFT TO US PERSONALLY, because it is an entire episode about Tom and B'Elanna being emotionally retarded and in love with each other! No B plot! JUST THEM! And a pregnancy! And B'Elanna's issues! ♥______♥
7x13. Repentance
I have to say despite being severely bored/not paying attention to most of it I was touched by this episode-- there was something really good there, and it was one of the best ideas with which to explore Seven's humanity, because it wasn't happy happy joy joy Seven's becoming less borg. It was gut-wrenching and awful for her, and you could absolutely understand why she related to what's-his-ace, and AS USUAL, Jeri Ryan hit it out of the park.
7x14. Prophecy
In which Tom Paris gets to flex his Klingon muscles, B'Elanna Torres is grouchy, and Harry Kim finds some new things to say FML about. THERE IS ALSO DOMESTICITY. How much we love this episode should surprise approximately no one.
7x15. The Void
The highlight of the episode is CHEF SEVEN'S SPECIAL DINNER (during which everyone mocks Tom Paris!) but the rest is Kathryn Janeway being awesome and principled, so overall: thumbs up!
7x16/7x17. Workforce
I have this bizarre bizarre fictional kink, that is possibly derived from watching this show at a young age, because it is essentially "Shattered" and "Workforce". If you are scratching your head, wondering what they have in common, it's... people being led around and having their lives explained to them. Seeing their future! ANYWAY ADMITTEDLY THAT BIASES ME HERE, BECAUSE OH MY GOD THE B'ELANNA AND NEELIX SCENES, but then maybe it doesn't, because everything about "Workforce" (except the doc, HAHA THEME FOR SEASON SEVEN :|) is the mooooooooooost delightful. The crew having fun with their memories wiped! Janeway being adorable with her moderately adorable boyfriend! Chakotay being endearing! TOM AND B'ELANNA: THE LOVE THAT LASTS THROUGH MEMORYWIPES. And Harry Kim being... so Harry Kim. AND THEN EVERYONE BANDS TOGETHER AND SAVES THE DAY (...SPOILER ALERT?) AND BASICALLY EVERYTHING IS THE GREATEST.
7x18. Human Error
I could write you a long, long list on why the Chakotay/Seven pairing is uncomfortable and was a TERRIBLE choice on the part of the writers, but there is one reason that eclipses all the others: the gap in mental maturity. Which is actually irrelevant to this episode, since in here Chakotay shows no interest in Seven at all-- it's a little reminiscent of B'Elanna's early-seasons crush on him, in fact, which was actually pretty endearing outside of, say, "Persistence of Vision". But the reason "Persistence of Vision" is nasty is the same reason Chakotay/Seven is nasty: Chakotay is... an adult. He is such an adult. He is calm and he is collected and he has all his demons taken care of. He has very little mental angst! He's like, 70 years old on the inside. And early seasons Chakotay adores B'Elanna but knows she's mentally 19, so he would never. So why does he get jiggy with Seven? This all is semi-irrelevant to this episode because he doesn't here, buuuuuut I can't say I understand why Seven is drawn to Chakotay. She has a more established friendship with every other dude on the senior staff, so it's just... really hard to see where she's coming from with this sudden onset of a crush that creates ~DEEP FEELING~ in her. I meaaaaaan, it's moderately plausible, FOR THE SAKE OF CONSIDERATION, that she would have a crush on him in the same kind of way you have a crush on your cute teacher in high school, but that is not love. THAT IS A CRUSH THAT SHOULD NOT TRIGGER YOUR BORG EMOTION CHIP FAILSAFE WHATEVER. Also... Chakotay. I mean come on. He's so... Chakotay. AND YAAAAAAY LET'S OBJECTIFY SEVEN EVEN MORE THAN SHE ALWAYS IS, apparently that's actually possible, gross. FURTHERMORE: this brings back Fair Haven feelings (in an admittedly different way) in that this whole holodeck thing? SO CREEPY. Although I actually think KJ might tell Seven that in here somewhere. Maybe. (Yeah, did I mention we only watched like ten seconds of this episode before I realized WHAT IT WAS and Catherine and I both flatly refused to touch it? THIS RANT COMES ENTIRELY FROM MEMORY OF THE FIRST AND ONLY TIME I SAW IT: WHEN IT AIRED. Rage really carries through the years.)
7x19. Q2
Um, so how many times can I claim an episode was "totally stupid, but awesome" without losing my credibility? I feel like we must have crossed that threshold somewhere in season 3. HMM. This episode is silly and kind of contrived, aaaaaaaand between this and "Q and the Grey" the trivialization of Q and the Q: in TNG Q fucks with them for the fun of it, but on Voyager he actually... needs help. Which messes with the original concept of his omnipotence. (With borg castration on top of this, I can almost see why a fan of of Next Gen would hate Voyager: except hahaha, NO I CANNOT, you are still all haters of fun.) TO BE TOTALLY HONEST, all of this pretty much only bothers us in theory, because in practice this episode is so silly and fun. ICHEB IS THE MOST ENDEARINGLY BORING BOY IN THE WORLD, KJ... I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH LOVE I HOLD IN MY HEART FOR THAT WOMAN, SERIOUSLY OMG (LIKE: I CAN ALMOST FORGIVE THE AFORMENTIONED Q DILEMMA, BECAUSE WHO WOULDN'T WANT KJ'S ADVICE, OMNIPOTENT BEING OR NO?), aaaaaaaaand there is joy and babysitting of bbq and AUNT KATHY and, well. ♥_____♥
7x20. Author, Author
For the record we veeeeery very close to giving this episode two separate ratings: a one for the A plot and a five for everything else. We've dealt with other episodes that were sort of... split down the middle between the good and the bad, so to speak, but this one took it to an extreme. The A plot is the Doc, and it is hideous, awful, and offensive. I'm kind of stuck between being mad at the writers for continuing to develop the Doctor into a TERRIBLE PERSON who is NOT FUN TO WATCH or being mad at the Doc himself, who went beyond pompous, egotistical ass into INSENSITIVE NARCISSITIC PRETENTIOUS DICKWAD. It takes the entirety of the first thirty minutes for it to get through his THICK, SHORT-SIGHTED HEAD that he is even being unkind. And then! He essentially gets rewarded for being a terrible human being (or hologram, WHATEVER) when all his friends talk about how great he is to the judge. THE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TESTIFYING THAT HE WASN'T PROGRAMMED TO BE SUCH A TWATWAFFLE, THEREFORE HE CLEARLY THINKS FOR HIMSELF. I hate everything season 7 chooses to be regarding this particular character, there is SO MUCH OF HIM and he is SO DESPICABLE IN ALL OF IT. I actually kind of hate him! ON VOYAGER. I LOVE EVERYONE ON VOYAGER. HOW DARE THEY DO THIS TO ME. So then: what could possibly redeem this to the point where we almost gave it a three? YOU GUYS IT'S LIKE... EVERYTHING ELSE IS SPECIFICALLY TAILORED TO OUR INTERESTS. I don't even know if I can list it all: it begins, naturally, with Harry Kim, who just loves his mommy and daddy and wants to talk to them. YOU GUYS, HE ACTUALLY SAYS "MOM" IN HIS CONVERSATION HOME. There is also some When Harry Met Seven stuff, in which Harry educates Seven on some valuable tenets of (familial) love, AND THEY ARE BOTH SUPER KIND TO EACH OTHER. In fact all the Seven stuff is SUPREMELY DELIGHTFUL: the eavesdropping was an incredible way to develop her humanity. Also: NOT ONLY IS THERE P/T, BUT THERE IS P/T CENTERED AROUND B'ELANNA'S ISSUES AND TOM BEING A SUPPORTIVE AND GREAT HUSBAND! Actually Tom is fantastic in this whole episode: calling the Doc out on his shit, being a great friend to Harry Kim, being generally entertaining and also a pillar of righteousness. WE LOVE YOU, THOMAS EUGENE. (Also we don't know if it's just us but Tom was not offensively fat like he's been! Looking at him was no longer difficult!) Anyway that is not even all that was great, but... jesus christ I'm getting long winded.
7x21. Friendship One
We... feel weirdly guilty for not hating this episode enough to give it only one star (well, okay, I do-- the only thing Catherine remembers about this episode is Tom Paris interacting with small radiated children). Ugh it hurts to think about Joe: his family hearing about this. HE'S SO STEADY AND HE'S BEEN THERE SO LONG, UGH ENGINEERING WILL NEVER BE THE SAME WITHOUT HIM. And it's cruel that this happens so close to the end, especially since the end is a TIME TRAVEL STORY in with the captain/admiral COULD HAVE TRAVELLED BACK A LITTLE BIT EARLIER and SAVED JOE CAREY. But the anticipation of Joseph Carey dying was almost more painful than the actual death. And the rest of the episode is actually okay, if (apparently) extremely forgettable.
7x22. Natural Law
The thing about Natural Law is that you expect it to be terrible the first time. You're three episodes away from the series finale, you know Chakotay/Seven is coming, and here you have... an episode about Chakotay and Seven stranded on a planet together. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, right? WRONG. Natural Law is 99.8% Chakotay/Seven free (and that 0.2% is just generated by the weight of your own uncomfortable paranoia)! And Chakotay gets to be IN HIS ELEMENT (which is to say: learning about indigenous tribes in the WOODS) and it is tragically endearing. AND SEVEN BEFRIENDS BABY INDIGENOUS AUTUMN REESER, and it is actually the most adorable thing you have ever seen. And meanwhile back on Voyager, Tom has to take piloting lessons because he got pulled over for speeding, and everyone makes fun of him. IT SO WOULD HAVE BEEN A FOUR, but the Chakotay and Seven conversational tag at the end is the MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THING. Like, it's technically innocuous, BUT IT FEELS TOO MUCH LIKE A HARBINGER OF THINGS TO COME D: D: D:
7x23. Homestead
IT'S NOT EVEN JUST THAT NEELIX LEAVES (VOYAGER IS HIS HOME AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO EARTH AND OPEN A DQ THEME RESTAURANT GODDAMMIT), I just... did everything about this stupid episode have to be so completely contrived and terribly written?
7x24. Renaissance Man
The title kind of belies the fact that this is another Doc episode, but it is surprisingly enjoyable nonetheless! Which isn't to say the douchiness is gone: it is present. But KJ is a good counter to it, and ALL IS MADE UP by the Doc's string of not-Doc scenes: THE FACES HE MAKES AS B'ELANNA ARE LEGIT THE GREATEST. Aaaaaaaaaand the last scene is hilarious and everyone is perfect.
7x25/7x26. Endgame
IT'S THE END OF AN ERA, and of course these writers have to leave us with mixed feelings. This is the Chakotay/Seven episode! And it is, in fact, even more full of Chakotay/Seven than we remembered. I remembered two scenes: I guess I repressed the other eleven. THEIR ROMANCE IS LITERALLY HALF OF THIS EPISODE, AND I JUST... GROSS ME OUT THE DOOR. There is also a lot a lot of Reg Barclay, who, in the future, has insinuated himself so completely as an honorary member of the Voyager crew that he has become KJ's confidante! I JUST... THAT IS NOT THE WAY THESE THINGS GO, YOU GUYS. It is not. (However the potent combination of Reg and C/7 diiiiiid make Doc endearing again, so... thanks for that, I guess, guys!) Also, jesus christ this episode is SO GAY, in a Janeway/Seven kind of way, and I'm kind of not okay with that for the same reasons I'm not okay with Chakotay/Seven! SHE'S EMOTIONALLY SIXTEEN YOU CREEPERS. So prehaps are wondering why it got a three, then! POSSIBLY BECAUSE WE HAVE NEVER LOVED HARRY KIM SO MUCH and we... love Harry Kim. Also because TWO KATHRYN JANEWAYS, no futher explanation either. Also a little bit because of P/T and BABY MIRAL, but their scene in engineering is actually kind of awkwardly/terribly written, so. They are less of a factor than Kathryn and Harry. KATHRYN AND HARRY. Also Alice Krige is toooootally the best borg queen. And. And. I love this stupid show?