like all the greats, rome wasn't built in a day

[drawingintheair]

like all the greats, rome wasn't built in a day
woohyun/sunggyu
pg
4084 words
Reaching greatness is a painstaking process. Woohyun doesn't mind the turtle pace. Sunggyu knows forever isn't going to wait for them.



like all the greats, rome wasn't built in a day

No one understands how Sunggyu ended up in Woolim Entertainment. Everyone thinks Myungsoo is the big mystery, the one who keeps people on their toes because you can never really tell what he’s thinking, but Sunggyu is the islet without directions, hanging off the end of the archipelago lined up with barriers to keep people off land.

The mystery is…there is no mystery. It is the most obvious thing in the world but people tend to dig when they’ve already hit rock bottom; to paint in decadent colors what looks best nude.

From the moment Sunggyu stepped onto a stage one day, Sunggyu knew what he wanted. All the lights amplifying his every move, his every flaw and exhale of his voice in wavelengths of sound. Music. Sunggyu just wants to make the music his, to own it, put his seal and stamp on it and the truth is he might be willing to do just about anything to make sure it is his forever.

*

When Sunggyu sneaks into Woohyun’s room at one in the morning, Woohyun sits up so fast his head bangs with the bottom of the top bunk.

Rubbing his forehead, Woohyun pulls out his headphones and frowns. “What are you doing here? And ouch.”

Sunggyu opens his mouth, every intention to finish this as quickly as he can but he can’t find the words. He starts to pace, dodging clothes and books, broken cd cases strewn across the dorm room floor and he’s surprised there is a room messier than his. Being a trainee leaves no time to pick up after themselves though Sunggyu knows they’d all be just as messy if it they had their mothers yelling at them to pick up after themselves. Mess. Sunggyu’s head is a mess right now and Woohyun is probably the biggest stain he’d like to not just clean away, but make disappear. Everything would be a lot easier for Sunggyu that way.

He stops finally, turns to Woohyun, calmly waiting for Sunggyu to explode. Sunggyu lets out a breath and speaks. “I don’t like you.” Woohyun doesn’t flinch, doesn’t even bat an eyelash so Sunggyu finds the confidence to charge forward. “It’s not like I hate you. I don’t care enough to hate you and I know you don’t like me either but that has to change. If we’re going to debut people can’t see that we don’t get along.”

Propping his head in his hand, Woohyun crosses his legs and shrugs. “I don’t get what the big deal is. We’ll to get along on eventually.”

Sunggyu sighs. Nothing is ever a big deal to Woohyun. He remembers Woohyun’s face of complete elation only a few hours prior, how his entire body had almost fallen over as if a weight was both being taken off and thrust back off on his head, his luminescent smile of prideful disbelief. Some things are the world to Woohyun; just not everything that is to Sunggyu.

With determination, Sunggyu sits on Woohyun’s bed. Woohyun moves his legs to make room for him after a few seconds. “Look. What we’re doing right now isn’t enough. We need to change our.” Here Sunggyu stops again because what is this exactly? A rivalry? An annoyance? A could have been friendship that immature judgment and stubbornness thwarted before it ever really got a chance?

They say second chances are rarely awarded. Here is theirs.

Fisting Woohyun’s bed sheets in his palms, Sunggyu turns to Woohyun, all of his worries and second guesses and his hunger to beat infinity stretched into his face. Woohyun stares at him like Sunggyu is throwing world order off balance and he has no idea where he’s supposed to stand. "We’re in this together, Woohyun. If I go down, you’re coming with me. Not because I want you to but because we don’t have a choice. I know the others are in this too but this is you and me. If we don’t get our act together then it’s over before it even starts.”

Woohyun sighs in a quick breath, it sounds like a mix between a scoff and a dry sob. He rakes a hand through his hair, his eyes lost in tracing Sunggyu’s expression. “So what are we supposed to do? Suddenly become bff’s and braid each other’s hair?”

“If that’s what it takes, yes. I’m willing to do it. For this?” And this is bigger than Sunggyu and Woohyun. It is bigger than Woolim and their soon to be revealed boy group. This is sound, bound up and boxed together in three minute ballads that break the barrier of touch and land in people’s hearts. “I’m willing to do anything. Are you?”

Woohyun’s mouth twists in mild offense at the suggestion that he isn’t as deserving, as willing to be here as Sunggyu is. He undoes the twist of his lips into a smile, lips curled too sharp to call it happy but almost and almost will have to do. “We can exchange friendship bracelets tomorrow.”

Sunggyu isn’t a big fan of Woohyun’s sporadic yet pinching sarcasm. He knows Woohyun hates his overbearing attitude, his almost obsessive need to make sure everyone gives a thousand percent of themselves until there is nothing left to give.

Sacrifice is a learned behavior, not instinct. They can learn. Both of them will learn.

*

Progress is a slow winding process. With weeks of practice Myungsoo’s voice starts to improve and Hoya learns to quench the slight anger in his dance, deliver the message from brain to limbs that he’s not competing against every other dancing body in the room, he’s dancing with them. Sungyeol still hasn’t shown much of anything but he’ll bring something else to the table. Personality, smiles and one liners that will become trademark classics, and of course, height. There is a startling lack of it and they’ll need all the help they can get.

From the front seat, Sunggyu can see Woohyun glaring at the scenery flashing by and despite the fact that practice is over for the day, Sunggyu feels like the day has barely started.

After an instant dinner filled with half mumbled mutters and pointless conversation, he corners Woohyun in the bathroom, ignoring Sungyeol’s shocked face when Sunggyu ignores his warning that Woohyun is in there and barges in anyways.

Woohyun catches his eyes in the mirror, his gaze narrows and his shoulders hunch guarded.

Sunggyu feels like he’s cornering a wounded animal and he hates Woohyun for making him feel like a beast. “Why can’t you just take my advice? I’m just trying to help you.”

Woohyun scoffs. He turns around and looks at Sunggyu, exposing his disbelief. “Help? You just want me to do what you want. Leader doesn’t mean dictator in case you forgot.”

Through the corner of his eye, Sunggyu sees when his face turns red. Before joining Woolim, Sunggyu didn’t know he could get so angry, that the smallest of things could turn his temper volatile, controlled only by his own resilience to keep it that way.

Woohyun doesn’t seem to care, or even notice, and this time he charges forward not just with words but with his body. Sunggyu wonders if the others have their ears pressed to the door. Or if they even care.

“You want to know what your problem is? You don’t criticize. It would be better if you did. You give out this advise, you’re trying to be helpful but you already know it isn’t going to make a difference. You already have your mind made up and think we can’t do it unless you point it out.”

Woohyun always talks in we. Us and you. Us against you. Infinite and Sunggyu. Sunggyu doesn’t know if that’s simply Woohyun’s perception or if it’s true, if it’s probably his own fault.

Woohyun’s stare suddenly turns apprehensive, like maybe he’s pushed too far but Sunggyu is a little lost to that now. He’s suddenly tired. His hip hurts from practice and nothing makes sense anymore. In truth, lately nothing makes much sense to Sunggyu, Woohyun being the most confusing out of all of them.

“I’m sorry,” he says, can’t even take pleasure in Woohyun’s shocked face. “I’m just. Sorry. Goodnight, Woohyun.”

When he closes the door behind him, Sungyeol looks away guiltily. Sunggyu is too tired to even pretend to smile.

*

“Germany overcame World War II.”

Sunggyu almost spits out his water. He stares at Sungjong like he’s sprouting a second head.

They’re sitting on the couch of the piano room waiting for their vocal coach to arrive. She’s ten minutes late so the others went to get a snack from the convenience store around the corner. Sungjong smiles, index finger holding his place in the book he’s reading probably borrowed from Myungsoo.

“Despite the animosity at the time, today Germany gets along pretty well with the rest of the world.”

Sunggyu thinks this over. He frowns at Sungjong deciding he doesn’t like the analogy implied in Sungjong’s statement. “Are you calling me Germany?”

Sungjong’s smile flits, nervous and cautious but resilient to be there. “Does it really matter which side you are? What matters is war doesn’t last forever.”

And is this war? Are Woohyun’s words, his stance, a sort of ammunition? Or is it just the defense to Sunggyu’s offense? Either way, this is supposed to be their dreams turned reality not a battle field and as much as Woohyun’s attitude angers Sunggyu to the point of contained rage, Sunggyu doesn’t like the visual of Woohyun running through a minefield, all the explosives strategically placed by Sunggyu’s own selfish and ambitious hands.

He gives Sungjong an odd smile. Who would have thought their maknae was a regular old philosopher? Maybe everyone is more than they meet the eye. Maybe even Woohyun. “You’re kind of smart sometimes.”

Sungjong rolls his eyes and goes back to his book.

*

After long practice days, after soaking up Mirthra’s half serious half joking tidbits of advice tossed in passing hallway encounters, after someone almost passes out from the heat or the exhaustion or the weight of it all being so crushing to withstand but managing to do so anyways, Sunggyu likes to just think. Erase the order and asphyxiating structure from practice schedules and sleep schedules and let his mind wander. Everyone thinks he is the first to fall asleep along with Hoya and he lets them think that, uses it to his advantage to be left alone with his thoughts in the darkness of his room.

“Hey.”

“Hey. I know you’re awake.”

Sunggyu blinks up at Woohyun, the flood of light clouding around his head and hurting Sunggyu’s eyes.

“What do you want?”

Woohyun taps his fingers against the edge of Sunggyu’s mattress, jittery energy cackling and sending electric shivers racing up Sunggyu’s body when the action shifts his covers off. Woohyun smiles then, Sunggyu can tell it doesn’t want to be on Woohyun’s face but the force in his cheeks keeps it there.

“I was thinking we could go over the song together. We’re supposed to harmonize during some parts and it sounds awkward when I sing alone.”

“Now?” Sunggyu questions, simultaneously questioning Woohyun’s sanity.

Woohyun’s face relaxes, the smile losing its sharpness. “The present is a good a time as any.”

Sunggyu snorts. Sometimes, Woohyun sounds like a walking talking fortune cookie. Sunggyu doesn’t believe in fortune but he’s going to have to start believing in Woohyun.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Sunggyu sits up, makes room for Woohyun and takes the sheet music. The notes are like braille to his sight, pen ink difficult to decipher for his tired eyes but he can remember the song just fine. Woohyun starts singing and he whispers. His voice sounds even lower than usual, the timber hitting the walls and filtering through in thick waves. When it lands in Sunggyu’s ears, Sunggyu belts out his line, his voice lingering so soft only for Woohyun can hear it.

The next morning when he’s washing his face, Sunggyu realizes they didn’t practice control or pitch. All they did was whisper and Woohyun’s voice sounded like the swoosh of air of a waving white flag.

*

Sunggyu knows he has the voice. Despite the fact that Woolim is a small company, Infinite gets praised for their vocal abilities during live performances shortly after their debut stage. Their dance soon overshadows the fact, but the evidence is there in the MR removals and while other groups thinks they are an insult, they are a test to who uses the sound as a guide and who uses it as a handicap. It’s hard not to compare, to judge and try to gauge where they stand in a sea of pretty boys who exude confidence and charisma where sometimes it matters more whose jeans look the best than who can hit that third octave without skipping a beat. Myungsoo had said it best a week into their debut.

“It’s like we’re a bunch of packages. The filling matters but the wrapping is just as important. Maybe more.”

This is where Sunggyu loses north, where his mind gets foggy and it’s not himself throwing world order off balance. It’s an invisible hand and Sunggyu has no idea how, or who, they want him to be when he finds footing.

“What are you looking at?”

Sunggyu’s fingers spazz to find the cursor, quickly closing the browser. He smiles, innocent and casual. “Nothing.”

Woohyun’s eyebrows raise. He pushes away from the table and goes to the fridge. “Do you want black bean ramyeon?”

“I-what?”

“I lost the game so it’s my turn to make dinner,” Woohyun explains.

Sunggyu shrugs because he honestly doesn’t care what they eat as long as they eat.

“Didn’t know you were a Big Bang fan,” Woohyun says while the water is boiling and the smell of spices floods the air.

Sunggyu clears his throat, fingers taping on the keyboard of his laptop increasing speed. “I’m not.” He looks up when Woohyun’s lack of answer becomes pressing, forcing all the silence in Sunggyu’s ears to the brim. “It’s research.”

“Research?”

“Mhhhm.”

Woohyun stirs something inside a pot, his movements exaggerated and flourishing. It reminds Sunggyu of the way Woohyun dances with his microphone, the way his fingers flex when he forms hand shaped hearts that make the fans squeal in delight. He wonders if Woohyun is taking some of those gestures of the stage and bringing them home with him, making them Woohyun’s own. Or if they’ve always been there and Sunggyu’s just failed to notice.

Minutes later, the ramyeon poured into a bowl and Sungyeol hollering for everyone to come and get it before he eats it all, Woohyun says, “You don’t have to be like them.”

Sunggyu feels like they’re picking up a conversation they left on pause. Silence can say a lot more than words can and Woohyun’s silence hadn’t been judgmental but heavy with disapproval. “What do you mean?”

Woohyun fills a bowl, twirls a pair of chopsticks until they stick to the thick sauce and stand up in the middle of the bow, and places it next to Sunggyu’s laptop. “You just have to be you. Infinite’s leader. None of that extra stuff. You’re enough, Sunggyu hyung.”

For a second, Sunggyu is sure he’s heard wrong. It isn’t that Woohyun never calls him hyung, respect is respect and so are rules of etiquette. Woohyun barely even says his name, let alone the honorific. The fact snaps Sunggyu back to his previous thoughts. He doesn’t want to be like G-Dragon or a junior Leeteuk, polar opposites almost but both thought of the leaders to beat, to look up to and emulate for completely different reasons. Sunggyu doesn’t want to be them. Sunggyu just wants to be Kim Sunggyu, Infinite’s leader and have that alone be enough.

Sunggyu’s pretty sure that’s wishful thinking but at least he’s not the only one who still runs on hope. He digs into his bowl and even though the noodles are a bit overcooked, the fuel in his stomach keeps him going through practice that night when all hope has run out and seeped onto the practice floor.

*

The managers tell them that practice hours will be increased, it feels like they never stop dancing, over and over again they slide and lock in place until they can do it with eyes closed half asleep minds and hearts about to push out of their chests. More often than not they leave them to their own wits because the practice room is hot and at their age they suffer heat flashes Hoya jokes and it earns him a smack up the back of his head.

No one expected practice would be easier without the manager hyungs. Sunggyu is still after all and if there’s one thing Sunggyu won’t allow, it’s slacking.

“Again.” The order is followed by Dongwoo pressing the play button and the music filling the room. None of them remember how long they’ve been going at it, but it’s still not enough. For any of them. Exhaustion paints every square inch of their bodies but none of them whine or complain though their lips are itching with the desire to, Sunggyu can see it in their clamped lips taking up all the mirrors.

Two presses of the replay button later, a cellphone goes off. Sunggyu walks over to his bag, sorts through the half eaten bags of food and the notebook he uses for jotting down everything and anything, and grabs his phone. He stares at the flashing display screen blinking seconds away as Sunggyu’s vision plays tricks on him.

“Hyung?” Dongwoo’s finger hovers over the replay button, uncertainty and worry hovering in his mouth and eyes.

Shakily, Sunggyu stands, phone gripped in his fist. Everyone looks caught between concern and confusion and for some reason among all the probing eyes his meet Woohyun’s and he wonders if his eyes look as wildly unfocused as Woohyun’s face looks to him.

Whatever it is, Woohyun seems to get it and for all the uncertainty and jealousy Woohyun brings, when it matters, when it comes to Infinite, Woohyun can always be trusted.

Woohyun gives a quick nod towards the door and Sunggyu stops clenching the phone with such force. “Okay, guys. Again. Dongwoo-ah.”

Dongwoo frowns but he does as Woohyun says and Sunggyu slips out the door, closing it quietly behind him.

When he comes back three replays of ‘She’s Back’ later, Sunggyu is quiet. Everyone is. There is a force field surrounding him and no one seems brave enough to brake through it. Sungjong tries but Sunggyu gently brushes him off and he stands at the front and wipes the sweat off his forehead.

“What are you all standing around for?” Woohyun asks and how is it the line sounds so different in his voice than Sunggyu’s? It’s not a command or a reprimand, it’s hidden by his smile, by the playful shove he gives Dongwoo to turn the music back on and the too comforting to be condescending pat he lands on Myungsoo’s head. He takes his place next to Sunggyu and passes Sunggyu his hand towel. Sunggyu takes it and it’s damp on his skin, smells like Woohyun’s cologne when he presses it to his neck.

The first chords start and Sunggyu pockets the towel. His head pounds and his chest feels strangely hollow.

“I can’t feel my left butt cheek,” Sungyeol says on the ride back to the apartment. Dongwoo bursts out laughing and Sungyeol’s own giggles joining him later.

“Cut it out you two.” Sunggyu’s voice is clear and sharp and Dongwoo recoils into himself a little and Sungeyol shifts in his seat, smile falling off his face and Sunggyu wants to bash his head against the window.

“Okay,” Woohyun says as soon as he’s closed the door to the big room, everyone else having dinner or falling in restless sleep. He makes room for himself next to Sunggyu, both still sweaty from practice. “What’s wrong?”

Sunggyu finds that he doesn’t want but needs to talk about it. He doesn’t have anyone else to talk to and Woohyun is willing to listen.

“I got a call from a friend. A friend from before,” he says, wincing at how awkward the word sounds and feels rolling off his tongue. Sunggyu used to take friendship, unconditional love, for granted. Now, he’s forgotten what true friendship even feels like and with the sacrifice of learning to appreciate Woohyun, because he does in a way, came what every person feels no matter how hard they try with desperate chocking hearts to flee from. Loneliness.

Sunggyu had wanted it all. Sunggyu wants it all and it’s true when they say it’s lonely at the top but it’s even lonelier on the walk up.

He looks up from his cellphone display and wonders if Woohyun feels lonely too. Woohyun remains quiet, doesn’t try to put words in Sunggyu’s mouth for once and it makes everything spill over.

“Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize myself. This isn’t who I wanted to be but I. I don’t even know who I want to be anymore.”

“Do you ever feel like you’ve betrayed yourself?” Woohyun asks like he feels that way too and he’s looking for reassurance. Sunggyu knows that isn’t the case at all.

“Yes,” Sunggyu admits and hearing it out loud hurts.

Woohyun pries the cellphone from Sunggyu’s fingers, Sunggyu’s hand falling open and lying between them. Woohyun fiddles with some buttons on the phone and Sunggyu lets the monotony of the beeps dull the ache in his chest. “Do you regret coming here? Do you regret Infinite?”

Sunggyu has no idea when this turned into twenty one questions, but regret? How could Sunggyu regret the resonating feeling of belonging when they stood, all seven of them under those bright lights and all eyes on them? How could he regret the spark in Myungsoo’s eyes or Dongwoo’s smile? How could he regret watching Sungjong grow from a boy looking uncomfortable in his own skin to the almost man he is now with that confidence in his stance? Or the thought of missing Sungyeol slowly but surely find his way and Hoya coming to terms that team doesn’t mean losing himself in the hurdle but to stand out all the more because of it?

Regretting Infinite is regretting the music, and Sunggyu will never regret the music.

He leans forward a bit so Woohyun will look at him and his voice shakes when he talks but Sunggyu doesn’t let it stop the word from coming out, honest and wanting to burn it in Woohyun’s memory so he never questions him about it again or doubts that Sunggyu wants them, Infinite, as much as Woohyun does. “Never.”

The smile spreads in Woohyun’s eyes before it pulls his lips apart. He drops Sunggyu’s phone on a pile of clothes and extends his hand towards Sunggyu. “I’ll keep it a secret.”

Friends share secrets. Sunggyu doesn’t know if that’s what he would call Woohyn, his friend, but someday. Maybe a lot sooner than either of them think.

Sunggyu fits his palm against Woohyun’s, their fingers slippery with left over practice sweat and it feels nice to mirror Woohyun’s smile with his own.

Dongwoo comes barreling in then, says nothing about their hands though he smiles oddly and tells them they should shower before they stink up the entire room, Hoya a couple of feet away vehemently agreeing. Sunggyu shouts a useless threat and Woohyun laughs, tosses a clean towel in his face and tells him to go first before they create another hole in the ozone layer from the horrendous gas he emits.

The shower is cold, freezing water pelting over his tired and cramped muscles but Sunggyu relaxes for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. Woohyun’s hand in his is more than a truce.

It’s a promise and Sunggyu knows that with Woohyun climbing up that narrow path next to him, feet determined and skin bleeding wounds and trembling veins be dammed, Sunggyu might actually have a chance at making the music his, theirs, forever.

~*~

a/n: All of my Infinite fic is pg for some reason. Also, WooGyu break my brain. I'm not sure how evident that is here but as someone pointed out to me, each time you look at them there is something new to see in their relationship and this is just a mere possibility of one of them.