It's time
Okay. Now that they're heavily advertising the second one, I can't ignore the urge to ask. I'm going to try to address people who were interested in Assassin's Creed, and I'm hoping there are some reading this.
Now, what was it about the game that interested you? Was it the laughably cliche-ridden dialogue? Was it the poorly-rendered, slow-looking combat scene that consisted of about eight frames? Did you just get all tingly at the idea of a game that included jumping on wooden beams? Seriously, I do want to know all this. This is not a joke. What was it? What did you hear about the game that piqued your interest? Somebody, please tell me, because for the life of me, I can't think of a single aspect of any video game whatsoever that looked like it was being done well. And here's my promise to you: I will not contradict you on anything. I will not speak ill of the game or of your decision in response to anything you say. I want to go into it with an open mind. Please, change my opinion on it. For the love of Barry Who Was Betrayed By Jesus And Then Killed The Devil, somebody just tell me. Post anonymously if you have to.
Know what really was a great game, though? Resident Evil 5. I don't know what people were complaining about with the AI partner, I never had a problem with her. It must just be a problem with the XBox 360 people and their adorable little system resources (lack thereof, bitches). The controls were as responsive as they needed to be, the replay value was very high, and the graphics were just plain gorgeous. I'm not sure why they said it wasn't a zombie game, as most every zombie movie or game produced after 1985 involves some sort of disease being the catalyst, transmitted by fluids. This indicates a parasite. Saying that they're not zombies because they're being controlled by parasites is kind of not a valid argument. It's seriously okay, though. If that's the game's biggest flaw, uh...I'd say you have a pretty frickin' awesome game.
I miss askaninja.com. They haven't been producing lately. They're expanding, so, y'know, good for them, but I wants me my videos. Also, CreativeJuices7 is still dead in the water, and it's been what, nine months? No word at all. I can't even find anything in the forums to suggest that the owners are still alive. This, and how long it's been since a new Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged episode has come out...it's just horrible. I feel empty and abandoned. COME BACK, GUYS. *sniff*
At least I still have My First Dictionary. Yes, start at the first. It's more of a journey that way.
Also, try www.survivingtheworld.net (really good stuff in there) and www.itmademyday.com . These are both full of positive. Not like this post so far, which is full of negative.
In the last video for AskANinja.com, somebody asked where ninjas come from. The answer was utterly perfect. "Out of nowhere." Glorious. It doesn't make up for the wait, but it almost made me weep with its gorgeous simplicity. Almost as perfect as when I was at Hometown Buffet and I asked my (think I'm getting the age right) seven-year-old sister how the potatoes were, because I was thinking of getting some myself. She made a face and said "Instant." Never in my life had a question and all conceivable follow-up questions been so completely answered, and she did it in one word. That's the definition of poetry. Also, wit. Also, genius. Depends on whose proverbs you prefer.
That reminds me, I'm Dead And It's All My Fault is also full of super. Not quite as positive, but funny in an almost-clean way, and not directly hateful. Start as far back as you can. It might not feel like a journey, but it totally is.
Yes, this has turned into Linkathon '09. I'll stop now.
Now I'm going to ask for a little bit of audience participation here...
I have devised a word! This word is VAGENIE. I need you all to tell me what you think it should mean. I do this for you. Because I love you. Alright, everyone, I've been meandering around this for long enough, and it's time for me to finally ask...WILL ALL OF YOU MARRY ME? Allie won't mind. She knows she'll always be my first wife, because she alone wields the power of a vagenie.
Oh, hey, that reminds me. ASHREIGH. I am willing to make this concession to you: If you come to California and marry me, you will get to have a large, SUV-or-larger vehicle. Anybody else would be DENIED. Grounds for a DIVOASIN'. But you? You're special.
Crap, I just remembered that rule. The First Wife gets any and all priveleges afforded to any other wife. 'cause she's special. Fine then, just you and Allie.
Behold my mighty sudden change of topic. Here are the rest of the RPG quotes. Those of you not in the game, please let me know if any of the starred ones are actually funny. I am being pressured to add these, and I don't know that they're worthy to stand alone. I do know that some of these were already posted, and I'm realizing that I didn't have a good way to track which ones were or weren't, so bear with.
* "Can you help us lift this debris off of these orphans?"
"WHY WON'T SOMEBODY BUILD A WALL?"
"Why did you sleep with that guy?"
"So he would give us more of those potions we need!"
"THAT'S NOT THAT GUY."
"Oh. Where's that guy, then?"
"Congratulations. You are now being promoted from Cinnamon to Cinnabon."
(Dave's note: They hired a low-level mercenary and forcibly named him Cinnamon. This is the kind of thing these people do.)
"I think Neckra would tire BlackRazor out."
"I probably got that when I became a virgin."
(At first glance, this one isn't confusing, it's the kind of thing that makes you go ".....wait, what?!")
"You don't want to work a pregnant horse."
"Don't worry, we'd get them pregnant one at a time."
"If you thought about what you said, you would say a lot less."
"I'm awake, I had to drink a yucky potion."
"It's still better than option B."
"Drink a yummy potion?"
"I go to the inn and spend some time with my slave."
"So in five minutes, he comes back out?"
"Screw you, it takes longer than that."
"What are you talking about? I shared an apartment with you."
"Okay, okay, enough of the impotent real John, let's get back to the impotent fake John."
"I know how I'm going to finally cross the gap between evil and good. I'm going to give everyone a puppy."
"Or a baby!"
"I'm pretty sure that's called rape. That's not going to get you out of 'evil.' "
* "Dave, your TV stole my change."
* "You'd have to be dramatically disrespectful to the dead."
"Ooo! Oo! I'll do it!"
"Oh man, what happened to HER?"
"She tried to chop down a treant."
"........why?
[incredulously] "We wanted to make a canoe."
"Mark is a dirty room that can't be cleaned."
(This is probably only funny to people who know poor Mark)
"What happened to Neckra?"
"She fainted at the sight of blood."
"What are we going to do, go through their pockets and look for loose change?"
"Well, yes. How are we going to pay them if we don't take their gold?"
"Okay, gotta cut this log, I guess. I'll take the axe, and we have that invisible scimitar."
"Yes. But here's what I want you to understand: We also have a saw."
"Brakius told me to do it."
"I see. And is Brakius perhaps your dog, or a song, or a squirrel who sits on your shoulder and tells you to do things?"
"No, that's Skitters."
"You guys need any help here?"
"Oh, we're gonna burn all the bodies tomorrow."
"I can cook!"
"I think I should let her do me, that way I can use my bow."
"I have a good idea. We need a mage who can cast 'Fly.' We take a mage hostage, take him out on the bridge, and say 'Do you have the spell 'Fly'?' If he says yes, we say 'okay, prove it!' and toss him."
* "It's okay if you mess up, because we totally gave you terrible directions."
"I want the magic people dead!"
"What you have in this bag is Dust of Sneezing and Choking."
"So, basically....dust."
"She's got a lot of her mother in her."
"And just what is that supposed to mean?"
"YOU'RE LIKE YOUR MOM."
"Are you going to burn the treants?"
"Well you can't make canoes out of them."
(Dave's note: Obscure, terribly lame reference ahead)
"Chad comes to a door."
"I look inside."
"Jim Morrison is there."
"I close the door."
"Hey, you should check to see if they skeletons are coming under the table after you."
"I only have one point in that skill."
"You're my brother, screw you!"
"I pour the poison down his throat. Does anything happen?"
"He should poop!"
(By now, I'm realizing that most of these are just memorable indications of fun times.)
"I'm not pretty enough to get him to do it by sleeping with him."
"You're not ugly."
"Yeah, but I'm not five."
"It stands for 'Dave's never gonna see my boobs again.' "
"I thought we had already established that, with you being in a relationship."
"Hey, just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean anything!"
(Give you all three guesses who said that)
"His uncle Mark had a flamethrower once. He set the fire on carpet."