(no subject)
This isn't a story. It's not a rant or a triad or anything else like that. I just need to say things because I don't have room in my head right now. I need to get better and truly nothing fixes things like a good memory dump and a reboot.
I've noticed that when I read what I've written before, It's like hearing my voice on the answering machine. It's that feeling that what you just heard/read isn't you. Hell, it doesn't even resemble something you'd say. Sometimes it seems stupid, other times just flat out odd. I'm not sure I like the taste it leaves in my mouth.
I feel guilty as hell. I got Kathy sick. After what I went through yesterday, I feel even worse. She says it's alright but I doubt anything she'll say can clear up all the guilt. It's why I'm going to this flaming math trip. I should stay here and NOT DIE, but she's going and she feels worse than me. I really can't do anything to help but I'll be damned if I'm going to leave her alone when I could at least keep her company.
I fucking hate Gatorade. If I ever hear the word electrolyte again I'm going to pass out.
I really want my SNES shit but I can't got get it as I don't trust myself. Man alive, when I heard this selling shit, I lost it. I've never cursed in my house before, but that really pushed me over the edge. I had to go outside and just yell my lungs out. Even fucking now, after all this time, I feel my blood drain out of my face and my hands start shaking. I don't remember ever being that angry. So I can't get my shit, as I don't trust myself not to flip out.
I've noticed that what people think of me and what I think of myself don't quite match up. It's probably because they only see what I say and do and I'm not one to let everything out of my head. So I started wondering which was the right imagine of me. You'd imagine mine, since I have a more complete look at what's going on, but then again I am human and will/have/had edited and selectively picked what goes into my self-evaluation since I don't want to make myself seem like a human equivalent of a turd. On top of that, even if I didn't mentally smudge, I'm not sure what counts into this image thing. If I don't say a thought out loud ever, does it still count? No one knows it's there and yet I may use it in my studies, as it were. I don't like that idea. It's like a director saying you should get the movie despite cutting out key scenes (DONNIE FUCKING DARKO).
Annie's tired of forgetting about today
and always planning for tomorrow. Tomorrow, Annie says
"the saddest day I came across was
when I learned that life goes on without me" Without me, Annie says
"If everyone has someone else,
then I ain't got nobody's love to save me" Save me, Annie says
"I think I'll pass away tonight,
because it seems I'll never get it right if it's just me" Just me,
and I say
"And when you wake up
everything is going to be fine
I guarantee that you wake up in a better place
and in a better time.
So you're tired of living
and you feel like you might give in
well don't
it's not your time.
and even if it was
I wouldn't let you go
you could run run run run but I will follow close.
Someday you will say "That's it, that's all"
but I'll be waiting there with open arms to break your fall.
I know that you think that you're on your own
but just know that I'm here
and I'll lead you home
if you let me.
She said "forget me"
but I can't.
I'm not sure why only crosses hurt vampires. Why not a star of David? You'd think they'd get hurt by any symbol blessed by a benevolent deity. I swear, the only decent explanation I've seen is in fucking Dracula 2000. DRACULA 2000! Don't remember it? No. That's because it was shit, goddamn SHIT. But at least they fucking said the original vampire was Judas. At least they goddamn TRIED, even if they spent all their energy on that and left the rest of the movie to fucking hell.
I had a dream, I can't remember about what, but I remember that all through it every time something pushed the wtf-level up a notch, I got closer and closer to waking up by realizing that what just happened was really fucked up. The important thing is what it FELT like. It got to a point where when the strange events happened, I could feel myself laying down for a second. Later events had me feel myself even longer. Then towards the end, I had a feeling of what I can only imagine is me getting out of the dream. You know what it felt like?
Silk. It felt like I was underwater there were innumerable sheets of ultra thin silk suspended above me. When an event happened, it felt like I floated up and tore through one of those sheets. I'm not sure if you really understand what I mean by "felt". I mean I felt the thing rip and slide across my face. At the very end, I finally woke up, but not before going through something like 10-15 of those sheets at a time. It was... odd.