(no subject)
I'm so fucking exhausted, and I don't mean just tired.
I'm sick of fighting, sick of inbred mini-groups, sick of doing the same thing everyday, sick of trying to make it interesting, sick of going to the same damned job i have gone to for the last two years only to feel completely unappreciated, and not even get an honest answer out of the motherfuckers when i ask if i should bother coming in anymore. What is the point. I'm the same to them as the kid who doesn't come in if he doesn't feel like it and goes out of his way to bother everyone around him. I'm the same as the girl who directly disobeys the managers, im the same as the fucker who spends two hours mopping and doesn't even do a good job. I'm the same as the fuckers who have only been there a week, and the only difference to the people in power is that im a familiar face. I'm disgusted that there isn't even an effort made to make good employees feel appreciated. I am disgusted in myself that i cant even have an assertive discussion with the managers about it without having a physical breakdown.
I litterally went blind today for just a second, and if that doesn't scare the fuck out of you i dont know what will. And im disgusted that after it travis didn't think, jeez, I wonder if maybe that strong a reaction was caused by something, but instead decided to make smart ass comments about it. I would write a strongly worded letter to tyson (the district manager) about it, but im sure it would be unheard.
Im also disgusted by the fucking drug use and escalation in the group. I wish i could give up trying to talk people out of things, but it makes me sick to watch people make rash descisions, especially when they decide to brag about it later. I'm disgusted that it was brought up in front of my sister, not because im worried about corrupting her, but because the implication is that if my friends are doing things that i am too, and i dont want her to worry.
I think im going to move on sunday, start fresh.
I don't know if i will go back to carmike...id like to think its worth it, but at this point i really dont. I'm sorry that the breakdown had to happen at work, because im pretty sure it was a long time in the making, and was going to happen soon anyway. I wish i could've finished the shift, and i tried, but at some point not only was it not worth it, but whether it was worth it was unimportant because it was physically sickening to be there.
Fucking avalances.