Uneven
Title: Uneven
Pairing: Massu/Ryo
Rating: PG
Words: 1,169
Summary: "When a heart breaks, no it don't break even."
Notes: Written to The Script's Don't Break Even (which is where the summary came from). I knew this would be a RyoMassu song as soon as I heard it but wished it wasn't so sad. :(
They’d known it was a risk when they started their relationship. But they hadn’t been able to stop their mounting feelings for one another. Just like they were unable to prevent this slow falling out of love. The only problem, Massu thought, was that Ryo was falling out so much faster. He was left alone, desperately holding together the fraying pieces of a tired romance. Heated kisses turned into quiet cuddles turned into comfortable distance, right next to each other but so far away.
Massu toweled himself off and stepped into fresh clothes, padding out into the living room as he pulled his shirt on over his head. Ryo was curled into the corner of his couch, chin resting on the arm, arms hanging over the edges and holding his phone barely an inch off the ground, texting.
“Sleep well?” Ryo asked, not looking up.
“I always sleep better when I'm with you.”
Ryo grunted at him.
He felt his heart drop a bit. “Let’s do something. It’s been a while. What do you want to do? Movies? Dancing?”
“Don’t push it, Massu,” Ryo said, uncomfortable.
So brittle it might break. So Ryo felt it too.
___
Hands on his hips and lips on the back of his neck and he felt himself go weak at the knees, instinctual reaction he didn’t know how to quash but needed to because this would just make it messier. Maybe he was a girl like that. But he turned in Ryo’s arms and met his lips, chasing the heat that was only present at times like this and letting the fire numb his thoughts as Ryo broke him down.
Later, fingers on his chest, wrapping around his own and dragging them to lips to be kissed and Massu turned drowsily to look into his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping to find, but it wasn’t there, instead it was like ‘sorry’ etched across the surface on into infinity and he turned his face away, blinking back tears he hadn’t even felt building.
If bad things always happened for a reason, Massu couldn’t find it.
___
“Are you feeling okay, Massu?” Yamashita asked, a bit of exasperation tingeing his voice and Massu felt guilty.
“I’m sorry,” he said, hanging his head a bit. “I’m fine. Just… one more time from the top and I’ll be fine.”
When he lifted his eyes and met Ryo’s across the room, he couldn’t read Ryo’s look. He remembered when he could tell what Ryo was thinking nearly all the time. But not anymore. He forced himself to look away and focus, losing himself in the music and letting it pull the pieces back together, if only for an hour.
This used to be so easy. But it was like Ryo took the best of him and hid it away, forgetting where he'd put it and Massu didn't even know where to begin looking. He went home that night, alone, and cried himself out on his knees, arms flung across his bed and face buried in the mattress that soaked up his tears.
___
All that was left was a shadow. Ryo had moved on and they hadn't even ended yet. Massu needed to make it real because he couldn't stop grasping at the edges of his unraveling heart, letting the string slip through his fingers, burning as it went.
He cornered Ryo, watching his eyes slide guiltily to the side when Massu said he needed to hear it. That he couldn't just let it fade. He needed the finality. His heart was in his throat, wanting to beg Ryo not to end it because even the setting sun is beautiful, and comes back up the next day, waxing and waning and he wants this to be just like that.
But Massu had never been good with words and what came out instead was a garbled plea made with desperate eyes that had Ryo shaking his head and apologizing, "It's over, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," before biting his lip and walking away, leaving Massu to forget about his dreams on his own.
___
Massu felt imprisoned by the faded trappings of his decaying love. They kept tangling him up and tripping him in awkward moments, and he felt bruised and broken from the constant stumbling. Ryo was laughing and smiling like nothing had ever happened, avoiding Massu's eyes and going along with everyone else.
He was cracking at the seams, coming apart, feelings made fragile from the constant wear and he went to the shrine to pray for numbness, since the gods hadn't seen fit to grant him freedom from his love. He was a wreck; a walking stereotype of a heartsick lover and he hated himself for being so weak. He missed being happy, happy before Ryo, and he didn't think it too much to ask for that simplicity back. Numbness made no move to show itself, his love a heavy chain that weighed him down until he was too tired to stand back up.
___
Koyama sent him encouraging mails with funny notes to try and cheer him. Tegoshi took him out to dinner, like paying for Massu's meal was such a huge deal that he should automatically feel better - and it sort of worked because Massu smiled at the effort. Yamashita gravely placed a hand on his shoulder between practices and photoshoots, saying more with his eyes than his mouth. And Shige told him to find something else to focus on and to stop feeling sorry for himself. When Massu's anger flared, Shige had smiled and said, "That. Hold on to that."
So he did. He held his anger tight between his ribs, his joy between his fingers, nurturing them with every breath, filling himself to the brim with everything but Ryo until Ryo was crowded out. He kept worming his way back in - when Massu saw him shirtless and recalled connecting Ryo's freckles with his fingers, saw him playing and remembered sitting with hands clasped around his knees as Ryo rasped out beautiful lyrics to beautiful music, saw him smiling and remembered when that guileless expression had been aimed at him. Massu decided to let it be, let the memories entwine themselves around all his emotions, even though it made him ache with the too-full feeling, because like this his love for Ryo was drowning inside him.
___
His heart still flops painfully when Ryo smiles at him, and he knows the day will come when Ryo's smile won't be edged with nervous guilt, just like the day will come when Ryo's smile is just another smile to him. He still thinks of nights in and nights out, but more for the feeling than the man. He still wishes that their love had been like a sunset with the promise of sunrise instead of eternal twilight, but with every day that passes he breathes easier, everything settling inside, and he doesn't need to make himself so full anymore. He's done his time. He's working toward freedom.
Pairing: Massu/Ryo
Rating: PG
Words: 1,169
Summary: "When a heart breaks, no it don't break even."
Notes: Written to The Script's Don't Break Even (which is where the summary came from). I knew this would be a RyoMassu song as soon as I heard it but wished it wasn't so sad. :(
They’d known it was a risk when they started their relationship. But they hadn’t been able to stop their mounting feelings for one another. Just like they were unable to prevent this slow falling out of love. The only problem, Massu thought, was that Ryo was falling out so much faster. He was left alone, desperately holding together the fraying pieces of a tired romance. Heated kisses turned into quiet cuddles turned into comfortable distance, right next to each other but so far away.
Massu toweled himself off and stepped into fresh clothes, padding out into the living room as he pulled his shirt on over his head. Ryo was curled into the corner of his couch, chin resting on the arm, arms hanging over the edges and holding his phone barely an inch off the ground, texting.
“Sleep well?” Ryo asked, not looking up.
“I always sleep better when I'm with you.”
Ryo grunted at him.
He felt his heart drop a bit. “Let’s do something. It’s been a while. What do you want to do? Movies? Dancing?”
“Don’t push it, Massu,” Ryo said, uncomfortable.
So brittle it might break. So Ryo felt it too.
___
Hands on his hips and lips on the back of his neck and he felt himself go weak at the knees, instinctual reaction he didn’t know how to quash but needed to because this would just make it messier. Maybe he was a girl like that. But he turned in Ryo’s arms and met his lips, chasing the heat that was only present at times like this and letting the fire numb his thoughts as Ryo broke him down.
Later, fingers on his chest, wrapping around his own and dragging them to lips to be kissed and Massu turned drowsily to look into his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping to find, but it wasn’t there, instead it was like ‘sorry’ etched across the surface on into infinity and he turned his face away, blinking back tears he hadn’t even felt building.
If bad things always happened for a reason, Massu couldn’t find it.
___
“Are you feeling okay, Massu?” Yamashita asked, a bit of exasperation tingeing his voice and Massu felt guilty.
“I’m sorry,” he said, hanging his head a bit. “I’m fine. Just… one more time from the top and I’ll be fine.”
When he lifted his eyes and met Ryo’s across the room, he couldn’t read Ryo’s look. He remembered when he could tell what Ryo was thinking nearly all the time. But not anymore. He forced himself to look away and focus, losing himself in the music and letting it pull the pieces back together, if only for an hour.
This used to be so easy. But it was like Ryo took the best of him and hid it away, forgetting where he'd put it and Massu didn't even know where to begin looking. He went home that night, alone, and cried himself out on his knees, arms flung across his bed and face buried in the mattress that soaked up his tears.
___
All that was left was a shadow. Ryo had moved on and they hadn't even ended yet. Massu needed to make it real because he couldn't stop grasping at the edges of his unraveling heart, letting the string slip through his fingers, burning as it went.
He cornered Ryo, watching his eyes slide guiltily to the side when Massu said he needed to hear it. That he couldn't just let it fade. He needed the finality. His heart was in his throat, wanting to beg Ryo not to end it because even the setting sun is beautiful, and comes back up the next day, waxing and waning and he wants this to be just like that.
But Massu had never been good with words and what came out instead was a garbled plea made with desperate eyes that had Ryo shaking his head and apologizing, "It's over, I'm sorry. I'm sorry," before biting his lip and walking away, leaving Massu to forget about his dreams on his own.
___
Massu felt imprisoned by the faded trappings of his decaying love. They kept tangling him up and tripping him in awkward moments, and he felt bruised and broken from the constant stumbling. Ryo was laughing and smiling like nothing had ever happened, avoiding Massu's eyes and going along with everyone else.
He was cracking at the seams, coming apart, feelings made fragile from the constant wear and he went to the shrine to pray for numbness, since the gods hadn't seen fit to grant him freedom from his love. He was a wreck; a walking stereotype of a heartsick lover and he hated himself for being so weak. He missed being happy, happy before Ryo, and he didn't think it too much to ask for that simplicity back. Numbness made no move to show itself, his love a heavy chain that weighed him down until he was too tired to stand back up.
___
Koyama sent him encouraging mails with funny notes to try and cheer him. Tegoshi took him out to dinner, like paying for Massu's meal was such a huge deal that he should automatically feel better - and it sort of worked because Massu smiled at the effort. Yamashita gravely placed a hand on his shoulder between practices and photoshoots, saying more with his eyes than his mouth. And Shige told him to find something else to focus on and to stop feeling sorry for himself. When Massu's anger flared, Shige had smiled and said, "That. Hold on to that."
So he did. He held his anger tight between his ribs, his joy between his fingers, nurturing them with every breath, filling himself to the brim with everything but Ryo until Ryo was crowded out. He kept worming his way back in - when Massu saw him shirtless and recalled connecting Ryo's freckles with his fingers, saw him playing and remembered sitting with hands clasped around his knees as Ryo rasped out beautiful lyrics to beautiful music, saw him smiling and remembered when that guileless expression had been aimed at him. Massu decided to let it be, let the memories entwine themselves around all his emotions, even though it made him ache with the too-full feeling, because like this his love for Ryo was drowning inside him.
___
His heart still flops painfully when Ryo smiles at him, and he knows the day will come when Ryo's smile won't be edged with nervous guilt, just like the day will come when Ryo's smile is just another smile to him. He still thinks of nights in and nights out, but more for the feeling than the man. He still wishes that their love had been like a sunset with the promise of sunrise instead of eternal twilight, but with every day that passes he breathes easier, everything settling inside, and he doesn't need to make himself so full anymore. He's done his time. He's working toward freedom.