Burning In
Title: Burning In
Pairing: Ryo/Shige, Koyama/Shige
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dark - a bit of mindfuckery ahead. No intentional adultery.
Words: 6,720
Summary: A series of coincidences presents Ryo with a temptation he can't resist.
Notes: Thank you to my friends for moral support and to my beta. This was a long, arduous process during which I whined and complained a lot. Sorry guys. XD Thanks for putting up with all of my second-guessing. “Burning in” is a process in photography that “increases exposure of certain areas, resulting in darker areas” (according to Wikipedia). I thought the title was appropriate, all things considered. (Also, I was ready to post it yesterday but thought it might be a bit of a bitch to post it on Shige's bday. XD)
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The first time he’d walked into the store and shyly approached the counter with a beat-up Rolleiflex 2.8E3 in his hands, Ryo had wanted him. Soft brown eyes and messily styled black hair falling in his face, delicate hands, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped, and a beautiful pair of lips just made for kissing - Ryo bet himself the man would be a stunning bottom. And when he spoke, tone just this side of husky, asking about repairing the old camera, Ryo smirked at the voice just made for sex.
A broken camera as the beginning for a one-sided obsession and soon Ryo was inviting Kato out for an occasional lunch, sometimes for a walk in the park where they would talk cameras, development techniques, and black-and-white vs. color, but the only thing Ryo could really focus on was the way Kato’s eyes shone when he spoke and the way his husky voice rose and fell with his beautiful words. Ryo fell deeper and harder for this man with his easy manner and sharp wit, thinking about him at all hours of the day and night and waking up more than once with Kato’s name on his lips and more than sweat on his sheets. And when Kato mentioned introducing him to his boyfriend, the jarring surge of jealousy made Ryo realize that he needed to get out of Tokyo and back to Osaka before he did something he’d regret, like punch Kato’s boyfriend’s lights out the moment he met him or kiss Kato and make a complete ass of himself.
He was an attractive, intelligent, well-off man who could have nearly any man or woman he wanted, he told himself. But the little devil in the back of his mind said, All except this one. And Ryo hated himself a little because he wanted him so much it was unbelievable.
He’d put everything at his shop in order, making sure the Tokyo store’s manager had things under control, but couldn’t resist seeing Kato just one last time before he left. His bags were even already in his car as he waited at the corner outside their favorite Chinese place in Shibuya when he saw Kato waiting to cross the street. He waved until he got Shige’s attention and Kato grinned and waved back, stepping out just after the crosswalk light turned green, their eyes locked and Kato still smiling right up until the car hit him and flung him against the asphalt.
Ryo’s legs were moving while his brain was still stuck on the corner, at Kato’s side in moments, and he sat next to him, fingers pressed to Kato’s wrist to feel the persistent beat of his heart against them as he waited helplessly for the ambulance.
~*~ ”He was there at the hospital?” Koyama asked breathlessly, thankful but... “Wait, why was he there?” He listened closely to the other person then frowned. “But I’m… he’s my… boyfriend. He hasn’t been home and I thought he was staying at work and just forgot to text me but it’s been too long. Was someone with him?” he asked desperately. Another pause. “Please,” he begged quietly, “Please.” Then he hung up the phone, dropping his head into his hands with a sob. ~*~
“I’m sorry?” Ryo asked, blinking. “He has no memories?”
“Basically, yes. He is amazingly unhurt all things considered, but when he hit his head he damaged the part of his brain that houses many long-term memories. So he can remember some things, but not everything. He can still read and write, for instance, and speak, and he seems to be fine on social protocol. He even has a few very vague memories of growing up, but nothing beyond that.”
“Is it… permanent?” Ryo whispered.
The doctor shook her head. “There’s no way of knowing. But for now it might be best for you to take him home, if he wants to go. Being around familiar things and people might help to jog old memories. Or not. But I’m sure it’s worth a try.”
“Shouldn’t he be hospitalized?”
The doctor tapped her pen against her desk a moment. “Normally we would, since he does have loss of memory. But he is rational. It’s actual damage. The neurosurgeon did not feel there was anything in particular that surgery could do to help. There is no hemorrhaging. Should his condition deteriorate or additional memory loss occur, I urge you to return. I do suggest that you come back once a week for a while anyway for routine scans to make sure nothing happens in the next month or so. And absolutely make sure he doesn’t hit his head in the next two weeks, on anything.”
~*~
Ryo’s heart beat hard in his chest as he drove, Kato sitting in silence beside him and looking out the window.
”So where is home?” Kato asked nonchalantly as he climbed into Ryo’s car, the slight tremor in his voice belying his distress. He hadn’t asked any questions yet, too taken aback and confused to know where to start, and he had simply followed Ryo.
Ryo would never know what had possessed him to say what he did. “Osaka.”
“But we’re in Tokyo?”
“You’re from Tokyo. We met at my shop here and . . .” he scratched his neck and fit the key into the ignition. “We’re dating.”
Kato looked at him with wide eyes. “I’m gay?” he asked incredulously and Ryo made a face.
“Hopefully you haven’t actually forgotten that,” he said wryly. “If you’ve suddenly turned straight, I’m going to be disappointed.”
Kato shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “And now we live together in Osaka? What about my family? We shouldn’t go back to Osaka if my family is here. I need to see them,” he finished, voice slightly panicked.
Ryo turned to face Kato and put his hand on his shoulder. “Kato, I don’t know how to tell you this. You came out to your parents and . . . they disowned you. I’m sorry.”
Kato stared at him, stunned, mouth opening and closing.
“I’m really sorry. You were shocked then, too. And none of your friends supported you either. That’s why you decided to move in with me. You didn’t even want to take any of your things with you.” He gestured to his backseat where just a few bags and boxes were. “It’s all mine. You wanted a totally new start. The only thing you brought was your camera. But that was busted when you were hit by the car. You had said you just wanted to tie up a few loose ends before you left and you were coming to meet me when you were hit. I watched it. Just when I’d thought things couldn’t get worse.” A single tear rolled down his cheek and even though it was real he felt guilty. He couldn’t figure out where these lies were coming from. He must be crazy. Kato may have no memories but he must have no soul.
He’d been telling the lies so long now he thought they were real and he had trouble distinguishing his real past from the made-up one. Kato had been withdrawn, at first, confused, lonely, silent. Ryo had repaired his camera and given it to him a week after they arrived in Osaka.
“This might help,” Ryo had said, pushing the camera into his hands and sitting down beside him. “Do you remember it?”
~*~Koyama flipped through the photo album, flowers in the park, Koyama’s nephews playing catch, Koyama laughing happily at the camera, Shige’s family’s dog caught mid-leap; tears dropping across the plastic unheeded. “Shige,” Koyama whispered, fingers slipping against the pages. ~*~
Kato had turned it over in his hands, looking at its knobs, hefting it. “No,” he had said slowly. “But it feels nice.” And he had smiled shyly up at him and Ryo had leaned over to show him how it worked, masking the flopping of his heart. Ryo had told him that he was a photographer and wasn’t that lucky because losing one’s memory didn’t mean one was any less of an artist. He knew that Kato had been a regular office worker, diligent and, while not in love with his job, pleased with his work. But he couldn’t risk Kato getting a job and being found. What he was doing would earn him more than a slap on the wrist. He was pretty sure there would be criminal charges involved. But beyond that, he was afraid of losing him.
So Kato would go out every day while Ryo was at work and fiddle with his camera and when Ryo came home, they would work together, always touching, in the tiny darkroom, Ryo showing him how to prepare the film, how long to develop, when to use what chemicals for what effects.
Sometimes, though, Kato would get these faraway looks and Ryo would squirm.
“Remember something?” he would ask, always desperately hoping he would say no, and Kato would shake his head distractedly. He wanted to know what Shige was thinking in those moments, so distant that Ryo felt cold fear in the pit of his stomach.
The first time Ryo had kissed Kato, the man had gone stock-still against him. But rather than stopping, Ryo had kissed him harder, gripping Kato’s chin with one hand and licking slowly across his bottom lip. He’d felt Kato tremble under him before slowly bringing his hands up to grip Ryo’s hips even as he opened under Ryo’s pressure.
Ryo kept taking it always one step further over the next few weeks, always pushing, desperate to make Kato his before he was gone completely, until he finally had Kato spread out beneath him, panting with Ryo’s hand around his cock. He watched Kato get that distant look in his eyes, and Ryo jerked harshly and growled.
~*~Koyama woke, hands clutching his pillow, and blinked in confusion. He had been dreaming, he realized, dragging one hand over the empty side of the bed - he and Shige twined together, kissing and touching feverishly, whispered words of endearment as they joined together, promises of love and forever - and Koyama cried brokenly in the night ~*~
“I’m right here,” he said, and crushed their lips together. He was rough, trying to keep Kato focused on him and Kato didn’t complain, moaning and groaning under Ryo’s hands and mouth, writhing against the sheets and coming with a breathy shout. But Ryo didn’t miss the faraway look in Kato’s eyes or his wrinkled brow as they lay together after.
He wanted to know. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask. What was Kato seeing? Was he remembering the tall brunet? Had he been rough with Kato too? Had he been gentle? Ryo pressed soft kisses to the underside of Kato’s jaw and Kato rolled over to embrace him, focusing a tender smile on him.
“I guess I’m still gay, huh?” he asked with a laugh, pressing so close Ryo could feel Shige's heartbeat all over his body, it felt like, and Ryo relaxed, grinning at him.
Sometimes he felt guilty when he watched Shige sit, turning his camera over and over and brooding quietly, probably trying to piece together his fragmented memories and becoming even more confused when none of it ever fit together.
But it was hard to feel guilty with Shige naked on his knees sucking Ryo’s cock like he’d done it all his life. Well, maybe he had; Ryo couldn’t know. The idea of him doing it to someone else, though, that tall, lanky brunet he’d seen all over Shige’s phone the day he stole it out of his pants at the hospital, maybe, made him tighten his hands in Shige’s hair and draw him up off his knees and into Ryo’s arms. Yanking Shige’s head back, he exposed his throat and applied his lips and teeth, bringing blood to just below the surface and marking him.
“Mine,” he growled, and Shige pulled against the hand in his hair to look down at Ryo with heavy-lidded eyes and Ryo claimed his lips in a harsh kiss. He had no idea how long he’d have Shige, but for now he was his completely.
Shige gave him an amused look once he pulled away. “Feeling possessive tonight?” he asked.
Ryo just stared back, heart beating hard in his chest. You have no idea, he thought, and pulled him to the bed, pushing him down on it.
Shige smirked at him through long bangs and Ryo felt hot all over. He shoved Shige onto his back and straddled him, grinding their erections together, the dragging friction almost too much to bear, and Shige thrashed under him.
“Fuck, Ryo,” he ground out and Ryo slid down Shige’s body, kissing and biting as he went along, Shige hissing at the stinging pain but making no move to stop him and gripping the sheets between whitened fingers. He ghosted his breath along Shige’s inner thigh and watched Shige’s dick twitch in response. Then he lifted himself up just enough to look at Shige’s face.
“Sit up,” he told him. “I want to watch you.”
Shige blushed but scrambled up and back across the bed until he was leaning against the wall, Ryo on his stomach between his legs, one hand wrapped around his erection and his mouth just above the head. “Don’t move,” he said, before taking him in nearly all the way, and Shige’s head dropped back against the wall with a thud, lashes trembling against his cheeks.
Shige was silent for the first couple of minutes, the only noise the air rushing harshly in and out of his nose as Ryo licked and sucked, tickling his balls with light fingers. His eyes were still closed and Ryo growled around him and gripped Shige’s hip hard, not caring that it would probably bruise later because Shige’s eyes flew open with a groan and looked at him with dark, unfocused eyes.
Ryo sucked hard as he pulled back, Shige tensing and moaning and flexing his fingers against the sheets, and let Shige fall out of his mouth with a pop, rising to his knees to look down at him. “You like it when I’m rough with you, Shige?” he asked, fisting him harshly and dragging short nails down Shige’s chest.
“Nnnn,” was Shige’s only reply as he shuddered under Ryo’s hands.
When Ryo prepared him roughly with lubed fingers, Shige gripped his arms tightly, bucking against Ryo when his fingers grazed that spot over and over until he nearly cried at the build-up. Only then, when Ryo’s name fell from Shige’s lips with desperate pleas, did Ryo slide in with one long push, Shige groaning under him.
Shige’s eyes were closed again and Ryo pulled out slowly only to slam harshly back in, drawing a muted scream from Shige and Shige focused on him again. “Ryo,” he whispered, voice already hoarse with need.
“Look at me,” Ryo growled, snapping his hips back and forth at an unforgiving pace.
Shige struggled to keep his eyes open, wrapping both hands around Ryo’s biceps and crying out with every thrust, until his cries all melded together in one breathless moan and his eyes slid closed as he released Ryo’s arm to reach between them and jerk himself once, twice, and he was coming hard between them.
Shige’s eyes fluttered open and he watched Ryo move above him, Shige’s cheeks and chest flushed, breath coming in deep pants as he came down from his high, and when Shige lifted one of Ryo’s hands from his hip to press a kiss to the palm, Ryo gripped his fingers tightly and leaned forward with a moan to bite into Shige’s shoulder, feeling Shige jolt under him and tighten around him with a groan as Ryo came.
After, Shige held Ryo close and whispered, “I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry.”
Suddenly there was a grating pain in Ryo’s chest, and he took deep, forced breaths, trying to push it away, trying to keep the tears from coming. He was a horrible person. The most horrible person ever, to take Shige’s life from him and shape him into another man. He clutched Shige to him and sobbed into his neck, feeling Shige’s hands flutter helplessly against his back.
“Ryo, Ryo. I’m sorry. What’s wrong? Did I… Did I do something wrong? Before…”
Ryo heard the uncertainty in Shige’s voice and it made him hold his breath, sobs coming to a shuddering halt. “Before?” he prompted, voice rough.
“Before I forgot?”
“Why… Why do you think you did something wrong?” What had he remembered? He looked up at Shige, ignoring the tears streaking his own face.
“I just.” He looked away for a moment, that distant look that never failed to make Ryo’s stomach clench, before turning back to him with a desperate but determined face. “I’m sorry, Ryo. I… remember someone. And he isn’t you. And I’m sorry if that happened while we were together. I would never do it to you now, I swear it. I’m a different person now, I’m sure of it.”
Ryo blinked. And then started laughing, hysterical barks that turned back to sobbing and Shige kept rubbing his back and apologizing. What kind of person would take another man’s life and then make the man apologize for something he’d never even done?
~*~”We finally got them to release his medical files to us, Koyama-kun,” Shige’s parents told him, four months after Shige’s disappearance. The police had refused to consider him a missing person at first, and when they finally admitted that it looked like perhaps he may not have left under his own volition, they had subpoenaed the medical files from the hospital. But they had taken their sweet time in letting the family see them. “Shige… he…” Shige’s father trailed off and his mother began to cry softly. “He had amnesia when he left the hospital. Someone came with him who answered to your name, spoke to the doctor, paid the bill in cash, and left with Shige. No one knows who he is and the security videos don’t really show his face. The police say they’re looking for him now but…” ‘But Shige’s still a grown man,’ Koyama knew the police were thinking. And he left the hospital on his own two feet and with knowledge of his actions, if without his past. They wouldn’t be looking hard. ~*~
‘Days of Domestic Bliss’ was what Ryo internally titled the aftermath of his collapse. Shige was extra solicitous, always making sure he was home when Ryo got home, that meals were ready on time, that Ryo’s bento was packed for work.
“You don’t have to be my wife, Shige. It’s okay if you stay out if you’re in the middle of something.”
Shige stared bashfully at his toes. “Maybe sometimes,” he said. “But I’m happy with the way things are.”
Ryo placed a finger under Shige’s chin and tilted his head up a bit. “I’m happy too. I just wanted you to know that it’s okay and you don’t have to be perfect.”
When Shige pulled Ryo into his arms and kissed him, Ryo all but melted.
But the truth was that Ryo wanted things to stay the way they were, too. Anytime Shige did stay out late, he was tense and irritable, lashing out at Shige when he finally did turn up.
"Where were you?" Ryo bit out as Shige came through the front door.
Shige blinked at him. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling off his shoes and stepping up into the room. "I was taking some pictures downtown and didn't realize the time."
"All day?"
"Well, no. I cleaned a bit and worked in the darkroom then made lunch before going out." When Ryo stayed silent, he rushed to pull out his camera. "Do you want to see the pictures? I really took a lot."
His hands were shaking as he held the camera out to him and Ryo felt guilty. "If you were going to be downtown, you should have stopped and had lunch with me." He ignored the camera and walked into the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?"
Shige followed him into the kitchen and hovered just behind him. "Um. We could make omurice?" he asked hesitantly.
It was Ryo's favorite. Frustration, anger, self-loathing, guilt - they all flooded him and he grabbed a pot off the stove and flung it with a shout. Shige cringed away in fear and surprise at the action before scrambling to grab the pot from where it had landed after careening off the wall.
"I'm going out," Ryo said gruffly, grabbing his keys and wallet and walking out, leaving Shige standing open-mouthed behind him.
When he came back hours later, Shige had fallen asleep on the couch and he sleepily uncurled himself when Ryo came through the door.
"Welcome home," he said quietly, nervously, standing and rolling his head to the side to get a kink out.
Ryo just took his hand and led him to their room, pulling at his clothes as fast as he could manage and pressing desperate kisses against his skin. Shige never said anything about how Ryo tasted like tequila, never turned away, just let himself melt into him, both of them whispering "sorry" against each other, over and over, like a word could erase the pain.
Ryo watched Shige become more and more withdrawn, rarely leaving the house except to get groceries or come and eat lunch with Ryo. The taller man was losing weight at an alarming rate but still Ryo couldn't help but be glad of the way Shige clung to him when they were together, wrapping himself around Ryo when he could, and even when he couldn't, keeping contact with a knuckle touching Ryo's arm, or their feet or knees pressed together.
Ryo wanted to be enough. Enough to fill the void he'd created in Shige, and he poured himself into him over and over and over and over but it just wasn't enough.
~*~ “Really?” Koyama asked the man, trying not to get too excited. He took the pictures he was handed and looked through them. He couldn’t help the bitter feeling that rose from the pit of his stomach. That bastard held Shige's hand tightly in his own. And Shige was so gaunt. He gripped the picture tight enough to wrinkle, worry gnawing at his stomach. “Where is he?” Koyama asked, and accepted the slip of paper with an address, holding it tightly between his fingers. ~*~
Ryo felt Shige's loneliness like a weight pressing against his chest, so heavy and painful and he bowed under the burden. But Shige had already cracked, giving up everything but Ryo and not even trying to remember his past, no longer mentioning the few memories that had come to him so long ago. Ryo wasn't sure whether to be grateful or worried about the air of defeat that constantly surrounded Shige. The Shige he'd fallen in love with was buried under the rubble of his broken past.
“I’m tired,” Shige had told him when Ryo asked timidly about it, “of always trying to find something that just doesn’t exist anymore. If my family doesn’t want me, that’s fine. You do want me and you’re enough for me. It will have to be. I’m happy,” he finished with a crooked smile that nearly broke Ryo’s heart.
Ryo had pulled him close and kissed him, whispering how much he loved him and wanted him, forever and ever, hoping that Shige would remember later. He never expected it to last.
It all came to a screeching halt - no that was understatement, it was more like a jarring, crashing, soul-crushing stop - one mid-summer day in the streets of Osaka when they were walking hand-in-hand toward home. A man was walking toward them and Shige had stepped to the side to let him pass, but the man had just moved back into Shige’s way and Shige had looked up, irritated, to blink disbelievingly.
Ryo had just opened his mouth to chew the man out when all his words spilled out in an incomprehensible tumble as he recognized the man’s face. One he hadn’t seen in just under a year, on a phone in a hospital, and fear clawed its way through his stomach to stop up his throat and leave him speechless.
“You…” Shige said, mouth opening and closing ridiculously and Ryo knew Shige recognized him too.
“Shige,” Koyama said, anguish evident in his voice. “Shige, Shige, Shige,” he said, trying not to cry, trying not to reach out and snatch Shige to him.
Shige turned to look at Ryo and Ryo shook his head, face white, and Shige looked back at the not-stranger he sometimes saw in his fragmented memories and, sometimes, his dreams.
“I’m sorry,” Shige said quietly. “I don’t remember who you are but…” He took a quick look at Ryo’s blanched face and stood straighter, “But whatever we had, I’m not interested. I’m not that kind of man anymore.”
Koyama stared blankly at him and then turned questioning eyes to Ryo. “What have you been telling him?”
“I didn’t tell him anything about you,” Ryo muttered, looking away. God but he felt like crawling off and dying somewhere. Here was the moment he'd been waiting for, punishment and payment for doing what he’d done.
Shige blinked between them. “Ryo?” he asked in a small voice.
Ryo just moaned quietly, all words lost. He’d managed to push away, sometimes, thoughts of what he’d done, but it was all crashing down now and it hurt every bit as much as he had expected it would. His heart rate was soaring, sweat dotting his hairline, and he wanted to throw up, to curl in on himself and disappear because Shige would forget how much Ryo loved him, now, and only know the lie. The truth hurts, oh god, does it ever.
“Shige,” Koyama said, focusing on him. “If you don’t want anything to do with me, I accept that. But what about your parents? They’ve spent the last ten months in anguish over you. Won’t you at least see them? Do you remember them?” he asked hopefully.
Shige looked at Ryo and back. “I… remember a little bit about them. But not much. And why are they upset when they didn’t want anything to do with me?” he asked bitterly.
“Didn’t want… didn’t…” Koyama spluttered. “We’ve been out of our minds with worry. We didn’t know where you were or why you left or why you never called until the police finally released your medical records to us and we found out about the amnesia.”
“I don’t…” Shige looked helplessly between the two men. “I don’t know what’s going on.”
Ryo was utterly helpless. Part of him wanted to grab Shige’s hand and flee, run as far away as possible. Somewhere where it would only be the two of them and they could go on like nothing had ever happened. But he knew it for the fantasy it was because now the doubt was there, and Shige would know him for the monster he really was.
“Shige, if he told you that any of us for any reason didn’t want you in our lives, he’s been lying to you. I don’t know what he told you, but I want you to see your parents. Just once. Please,” he begged.
Ryo shrugged helplessly at Shige’s pleading face. “Do what you want,” he said hopelessly. “I knew it would come.” He watched Shige’s face fall, crumple in on itself in confusion and he resisted throwing himself at Shige’s feet and begging for forgiveness. There was none.
“You… knew? Is he telling me the truth, Ryo? Have you been lying to me?” he asked disbelievingly. “How could you? I’ve been so alone and it’s you that did it! Why?” He reached out long arms to grip Ryo’s shoulders and shake him. His face belied the desperate need for Ryo to tell him that this stranger was lying, that everything Ryo had said was the truth.
“Yes, it's the truth,” Ryo groaned, covering his face with his hands. “I don’t know why I did it!” He uncovered his face and looked at Shige. “I don’t know why but I couldn’t help myself.” He could feel himself trembling, like all his blood had rushed out of his body and left him with nothing to live on. “You’ll hate me now, but I love you. You won’t believe me because if I loved you I would never have done it, but it’s true.”
“Shige,” Koyama said quietly, pulling him away from Ryo just enough to make him let go and dropping his hands away. “I’ll pay for a room for you tonight and your parents will come tomorrow. If you don’t want to stay the night with him.”
Shige was staring at Ryo as though he had never seen him before. “I don’t. Not tonight.”
Ryo felt as though he was breaking into a million tiny shards and he said shakily. “We’ll get your things. You’ll want your camera. And you won’t want to come back for it tomorrow.”
Koyama bit his lip and waited for Shige’s reply.
“Yes, I’ll come now,” but he looked at Koyama.
“I won’t leave you,” he replied to the unasked question.
They walked the rest of the way to Ryo’s house in silence and Ryo counted every step, trying to focus enough to keep himself together. It was over, all over, but he’d had ten months and he’d never change it except to erase the broken look off Shige’s face. He’d never wanted to hurt him.
Leaving Ryo and Koyama alone in the living room, Shige went into the bedroom to pack a small bag.
Ryo spoke up from where he leaned against the wall, arms crossed, “Don’t you want to hit me?”
Koyama’s lips thinned and he kept his eyes straight ahead. “I want to beat you to a bloody mess,” he said tightly. “But Shige obviously cares for you and I don’t want to do anything to hurt him.”
Ryo stared at the tall man. And that was the difference, he thought, between true love and the obsessive love he had for Shige. This man would give anything to make Shige happy. He bet that if Shige decided to stay with Ryo, this man would give his blessing if he truly thought Shige would be happier that way. His lip trembled and he dropped his head. He didn’t ask for this love. He didn’t ask to be so crazy over this man that he would ruin both of their lives for the sake of it.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never meant to hurt him.”
Koyama kept his silence.
Not long after, Shige emerged with his bag gripped in both hands, uncertainty evident on his face. “I,” he started, “I don’t know your name,” he said quietly to Koyama as he held open the door.
Koyama looked searchingly at Shige’s face for a moment. “Koyama Keiichiro,” he said finally, bowing.
Shige turned to face Ryo. “I don’t know what to say,” he said, looking at Ryo’s shoulder.
Ryo cleared his throat and looked away then back. “Then don’t say anything. I’ve done enough,” he told him gruffly. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. And I love you.”
Shige bit his lip and the tears welled up and he turned away, walking out past Koyama. Koyama followed after him, neither of them once looking back.
Ryo watched them go, knew he’d never see them again. Koyama never had to touch him. Ryo felt bruised and beaten to within an inch of his life, and he hadn’t laid more than his eyes on him. His shoulders still ached a bit, and his neck, from when Shige had shaken him hard enough to make his teeth rattle, and he wrapped his arms around himself, shuddering and shaking as he fell to his knees and wretched.
Nothing left now but to wait for the hammer to fall. And he would wait. Because Shige deserved that much at least.
~*~
The first few weeks in Tokyo were torture for Shige. He was happy to be reunited with his family, happy to be back in the small bedroom at his parents’ house that he vaguely remembered from his childhood. Glad to see pictures of himself and his family on trips, himself and Koyama’s family together for holidays when Koyama was in high school and he was in middle school, himself and his friends together laughing and having fun. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of loss, either. And there was so much pressure to remember. So much pressure to bring charges against Ryo. He was still trying to sort out his feelings over the past ten months, separate the love he had felt for Ryo that he was just beginning to realize wasn't really love at all, only dependency that had turned to love out of desperation. But he had spent ten months with only himself and Ryo in the whole world and this was all too much at once. The only peace he felt was around his friend Koyama, who let him sit in silence and think, who took him out to do things purely for the sake of doing them, and not to trigger memory responses.
“Koyama-kun!” Shige’s mother cried desperately over the phone. “Please come. Shige’s… he’s locked himself in his room and he’s throwing things. Please…”
“I’m coming,” he said.
By the time he got there, Shige was quiet.
“Shige?” he asked, pressed against the door. “It’s Koyama. Can I come in?”
A moment and then a snick. He waited, bit his lip, then turned the knob and let himself in, closing the door behind him, and sat down on the bed next to Shige’s prone form. He laid his hand on Shige’s head a minute before stroking through his hair slowly, silently.
Maybe five minutes later, maybe ten, and Koyama thought Shige might be sleeping, Shige spoke, voice thick. “They want me to press charges.”
“I know.”
“I can’t.”
“Why’s that?” Koyama asked, calm.
Shige wriggled a bit and turned his face to the side, away from Koyama. “I loved him,” he whispered. “And he loved me. It was fucked up but it's the truth.”
“I believe you.”
“He was all I had for almost a year. I just don’t want to think of it anymore. I want it to disappear. And if I press charges, it won’t be done for a while. I’ll have to testify and they’ll drag up things no one should have to listen to. We’ll both be publicly ostracized for our orientation. I just. Can’t we just forget it? I’m the one who was lied to. It was my life. Can’t they just let it go? How can I forget if no one will let me?” He buried his face in his sheets again and Koyama rubbed his back as he cried.
“I’ll talk to them,” Koyama promised. “I’ll talk to them tomorrow.”
Shige nodded his head against his mattress.
~*~
It was rough-going, the road to recovery, but smoothed over by family and friends eager to make new memories with him to replace the old. Some nights he’d wake up crying, his mother leaning over him, rubbing his back soothingly. Some days he’d be in a complete funk, unable to stop thinking about Ryo and their life together and wondering just how much of it all had been a lie. But most days he was just grateful to be back where he belonged. And there was no doubt in his heart that this was where he belonged.
He was horrified to learn that he had a degree from a prestigious university and now there was next to nothing left of the knowledge he’d attained, just large chunks of information he didn’t understand the context of, and Koyama had laughed to find him poring over old class notes and textbooks one night.
Koyama plucked the book out of Shige’s hands and marked the page, carefully laying it down on the bed despite Shige’s complaints. “It’s not all going to come back in one night, Shige. And we had plans to go see a movie, remember?”
Shige wrinkled his nose at him and Koyama laughed.
“You used to do this all the time when you were in school. Ahh,” he said, wiping his eyes, “how nostalgic.”
“You’re so annoying,” Shige said, but stood and went to his closet anyway.
“Yeah. But you love me anyway.”
Shige looked over his shoulder at Koyama sprawled out on Shige’s bed, watching him. “Yeah,” he said grudgingly, “I guess so.” And Koyama’s eyes went all soft until Shige tossed a shirt at his head. “So gross,” he said, smiling. But it felt good. And Koyama was right. It felt a little nostalgic, too.
~*~
Almost another year after he’d left Ryo and life had become calmer. Shige never pressed charges, but he never spoke to Ryo - never wanted to speak to Ryo - again. He didn't know what the man was doing now, and the perverse part of him hoped he was suffering just as much as Shige. Sometimes he thought of Ryo, sometimes fondly, sometimes in anger, but they were quiet moments and not long, and getting shorter every day. Almost another year and Shige felt like he could finally start his life again without anything holding him back.
Koyama and Shige walked through the park in companionable silence, Shige taking photos every now and then in the twilight and often finding the lens gravitating toward his friend and he smiled when he realized just how many of the shots had the man in them. It was nearly dark when Koyama sat down on a low wall and put his hands on either side of himself, leaning back to look up through the trees. Shige sat down next to him, carefully putting his camera away and slinging his bag back over his shoulder.
“Koyama?” he asked after a while.
“Hmm?”
“I’ve… been wondering. Before the accident. Did we date?” The way Koyama would look at him softly and then shake himself, or touch him in a way that felt intimate despite its innocence before stuttering and moving away guiltily, rather than making Shige uncomfortable had made him curious, especially the way his own body responded to a man who should have only been a friend for all he'd said.
Koyama looked over at him thoughtfully. “Yes.”
“Were we dating?”
“Yes.”
“For how long?”
“For five years,” he said with a smile.
“Why didn’t you say so before?”
Koyama sat up and put his hands on his thighs, tapping his fingers lightly against them. “You weren’t in love with me when we met after the accident. I didn’t want to just assume that you would want to be with me again. Especially after…” He glanced away.
Shige watched Koyama for a moment, watched him take calm, deep breaths. “So patient. How long would you have waited to tell me?”
“Maybe I never would have,” he replied with a shrug. They were silent and then Koyama turned to face him. “But for you I would wait forever.”
They held the gaze and Koyama broke it first, looking up again. Shige smiled, wondering if Koyama had always been so sentimental or if it had happened in the lonely months without Shige and then he almost laughed when he realized just how narcissistic it sounded. Of course Koyama had been. He was Koyama, after all. Shige thought about the last nine months, about the sense of peace he always felt around Koyama, and the man’s enduring patience and care, about all the fun they had, and the way his eyes were always drawn to Koyama, no matter where he was - like now, with his head tilted back, small eyes wide in the dark.
When Koyama felt a warm hand tentatively take his own, his heart jumped to his throat and he swallowed against it before smiling, tears springing to his eyes, and he gripped Shige’s hand tight and thought gratefully that maybe he wouldn’t have to wait quite that long.
Pairing: Ryo/Shige, Koyama/Shige
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Dark - a bit of mindfuckery ahead. No intentional adultery.
Words: 6,720
Summary: A series of coincidences presents Ryo with a temptation he can't resist.
Notes: Thank you to my friends for moral support and to my beta. This was a long, arduous process during which I whined and complained a lot. Sorry guys. XD Thanks for putting up with all of my second-guessing. “Burning in” is a process in photography that “increases exposure of certain areas, resulting in darker areas” (according to Wikipedia). I thought the title was appropriate, all things considered. (Also, I was ready to post it yesterday but thought it might be a bit of a bitch to post it on Shige's bday. XD)
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The first time he’d walked into the store and shyly approached the counter with a beat-up Rolleiflex 2.8E3 in his hands, Ryo had wanted him. Soft brown eyes and messily styled black hair falling in his face, delicate hands, tall, broad-shouldered, slim-hipped, and a beautiful pair of lips just made for kissing - Ryo bet himself the man would be a stunning bottom. And when he spoke, tone just this side of husky, asking about repairing the old camera, Ryo smirked at the voice just made for sex.
A broken camera as the beginning for a one-sided obsession and soon Ryo was inviting Kato out for an occasional lunch, sometimes for a walk in the park where they would talk cameras, development techniques, and black-and-white vs. color, but the only thing Ryo could really focus on was the way Kato’s eyes shone when he spoke and the way his husky voice rose and fell with his beautiful words. Ryo fell deeper and harder for this man with his easy manner and sharp wit, thinking about him at all hours of the day and night and waking up more than once with Kato’s name on his lips and more than sweat on his sheets. And when Kato mentioned introducing him to his boyfriend, the jarring surge of jealousy made Ryo realize that he needed to get out of Tokyo and back to Osaka before he did something he’d regret, like punch Kato’s boyfriend’s lights out the moment he met him or kiss Kato and make a complete ass of himself.
He was an attractive, intelligent, well-off man who could have nearly any man or woman he wanted, he told himself. But the little devil in the back of his mind said, All except this one. And Ryo hated himself a little because he wanted him so much it was unbelievable.
He’d put everything at his shop in order, making sure the Tokyo store’s manager had things under control, but couldn’t resist seeing Kato just one last time before he left. His bags were even already in his car as he waited at the corner outside their favorite Chinese place in Shibuya when he saw Kato waiting to cross the street. He waved until he got Shige’s attention and Kato grinned and waved back, stepping out just after the crosswalk light turned green, their eyes locked and Kato still smiling right up until the car hit him and flung him against the asphalt.
Ryo’s legs were moving while his brain was still stuck on the corner, at Kato’s side in moments, and he sat next to him, fingers pressed to Kato’s wrist to feel the persistent beat of his heart against them as he waited helplessly for the ambulance.
~*~ ”He was there at the hospital?” Koyama asked breathlessly, thankful but... “Wait, why was he there?” He listened closely to the other person then frowned. “But I’m… he’s my… boyfriend. He hasn’t been home and I thought he was staying at work and just forgot to text me but it’s been too long. Was someone with him?” he asked desperately. Another pause. “Please,” he begged quietly, “Please.” Then he hung up the phone, dropping his head into his hands with a sob. ~*~
“I’m sorry?” Ryo asked, blinking. “He has no memories?”
“Basically, yes. He is amazingly unhurt all things considered, but when he hit his head he damaged the part of his brain that houses many long-term memories. So he can remember some things, but not everything. He can still read and write, for instance, and speak, and he seems to be fine on social protocol. He even has a few very vague memories of growing up, but nothing beyond that.”
“Is it… permanent?” Ryo whispered.
The doctor shook her head. “There’s no way of knowing. But for now it might be best for you to take him home, if he wants to go. Being around familiar things and people might help to jog old memories. Or not. But I’m sure it’s worth a try.”
“Shouldn’t he be hospitalized?”
The doctor tapped her pen against her desk a moment. “Normally we would, since he does have loss of memory. But he is rational. It’s actual damage. The neurosurgeon did not feel there was anything in particular that surgery could do to help. There is no hemorrhaging. Should his condition deteriorate or additional memory loss occur, I urge you to return. I do suggest that you come back once a week for a while anyway for routine scans to make sure nothing happens in the next month or so. And absolutely make sure he doesn’t hit his head in the next two weeks, on anything.”
~*~
Ryo’s heart beat hard in his chest as he drove, Kato sitting in silence beside him and looking out the window.
”So where is home?” Kato asked nonchalantly as he climbed into Ryo’s car, the slight tremor in his voice belying his distress. He hadn’t asked any questions yet, too taken aback and confused to know where to start, and he had simply followed Ryo.
Ryo would never know what had possessed him to say what he did. “Osaka.”
“But we’re in Tokyo?”
“You’re from Tokyo. We met at my shop here and . . .” he scratched his neck and fit the key into the ignition. “We’re dating.”
Kato looked at him with wide eyes. “I’m gay?” he asked incredulously and Ryo made a face.
“Hopefully you haven’t actually forgotten that,” he said wryly. “If you’ve suddenly turned straight, I’m going to be disappointed.”
Kato shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “And now we live together in Osaka? What about my family? We shouldn’t go back to Osaka if my family is here. I need to see them,” he finished, voice slightly panicked.
Ryo turned to face Kato and put his hand on his shoulder. “Kato, I don’t know how to tell you this. You came out to your parents and . . . they disowned you. I’m sorry.”
Kato stared at him, stunned, mouth opening and closing.
“I’m really sorry. You were shocked then, too. And none of your friends supported you either. That’s why you decided to move in with me. You didn’t even want to take any of your things with you.” He gestured to his backseat where just a few bags and boxes were. “It’s all mine. You wanted a totally new start. The only thing you brought was your camera. But that was busted when you were hit by the car. You had said you just wanted to tie up a few loose ends before you left and you were coming to meet me when you were hit. I watched it. Just when I’d thought things couldn’t get worse.” A single tear rolled down his cheek and even though it was real he felt guilty. He couldn’t figure out where these lies were coming from. He must be crazy. Kato may have no memories but he must have no soul.
He’d been telling the lies so long now he thought they were real and he had trouble distinguishing his real past from the made-up one. Kato had been withdrawn, at first, confused, lonely, silent. Ryo had repaired his camera and given it to him a week after they arrived in Osaka.
“This might help,” Ryo had said, pushing the camera into his hands and sitting down beside him. “Do you remember it?”
~*~Koyama flipped through the photo album, flowers in the park, Koyama’s nephews playing catch, Koyama laughing happily at the camera, Shige’s family’s dog caught mid-leap; tears dropping across the plastic unheeded. “Shige,” Koyama whispered, fingers slipping against the pages. ~*~
Kato had turned it over in his hands, looking at its knobs, hefting it. “No,” he had said slowly. “But it feels nice.” And he had smiled shyly up at him and Ryo had leaned over to show him how it worked, masking the flopping of his heart. Ryo had told him that he was a photographer and wasn’t that lucky because losing one’s memory didn’t mean one was any less of an artist. He knew that Kato had been a regular office worker, diligent and, while not in love with his job, pleased with his work. But he couldn’t risk Kato getting a job and being found. What he was doing would earn him more than a slap on the wrist. He was pretty sure there would be criminal charges involved. But beyond that, he was afraid of losing him.
So Kato would go out every day while Ryo was at work and fiddle with his camera and when Ryo came home, they would work together, always touching, in the tiny darkroom, Ryo showing him how to prepare the film, how long to develop, when to use what chemicals for what effects.
Sometimes, though, Kato would get these faraway looks and Ryo would squirm.
“Remember something?” he would ask, always desperately hoping he would say no, and Kato would shake his head distractedly. He wanted to know what Shige was thinking in those moments, so distant that Ryo felt cold fear in the pit of his stomach.
The first time Ryo had kissed Kato, the man had gone stock-still against him. But rather than stopping, Ryo had kissed him harder, gripping Kato’s chin with one hand and licking slowly across his bottom lip. He’d felt Kato tremble under him before slowly bringing his hands up to grip Ryo’s hips even as he opened under Ryo’s pressure.
Ryo kept taking it always one step further over the next few weeks, always pushing, desperate to make Kato his before he was gone completely, until he finally had Kato spread out beneath him, panting with Ryo’s hand around his cock. He watched Kato get that distant look in his eyes, and Ryo jerked harshly and growled.
~*~Koyama woke, hands clutching his pillow, and blinked in confusion. He had been dreaming, he realized, dragging one hand over the empty side of the bed - he and Shige twined together, kissing and touching feverishly, whispered words of endearment as they joined together, promises of love and forever - and Koyama cried brokenly in the night ~*~
“I’m right here,” he said, and crushed their lips together. He was rough, trying to keep Kato focused on him and Kato didn’t complain, moaning and groaning under Ryo’s hands and mouth, writhing against the sheets and coming with a breathy shout. But Ryo didn’t miss the faraway look in Kato’s eyes or his wrinkled brow as they lay together after.
He wanted to know. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask. What was Kato seeing? Was he remembering the tall brunet? Had he been rough with Kato too? Had he been gentle? Ryo pressed soft kisses to the underside of Kato’s jaw and Kato rolled over to embrace him, focusing a tender smile on him.
“I guess I’m still gay, huh?” he asked with a laugh, pressing so close Ryo could feel Shige's heartbeat all over his body, it felt like, and Ryo relaxed, grinning at him.
Sometimes he felt guilty when he watched Shige sit, turning his camera over and over and brooding quietly, probably trying to piece together his fragmented memories and becoming even more confused when none of it ever fit together.
But it was hard to feel guilty with Shige naked on his knees sucking Ryo’s cock like he’d done it all his life. Well, maybe he had; Ryo couldn’t know. The idea of him doing it to someone else, though, that tall, lanky brunet he’d seen all over Shige’s phone the day he stole it out of his pants at the hospital, maybe, made him tighten his hands in Shige’s hair and draw him up off his knees and into Ryo’s arms. Yanking Shige’s head back, he exposed his throat and applied his lips and teeth, bringing blood to just below the surface and marking him.
“Mine,” he growled, and Shige pulled against the hand in his hair to look down at Ryo with heavy-lidded eyes and Ryo claimed his lips in a harsh kiss. He had no idea how long he’d have Shige, but for now he was his completely.
Shige gave him an amused look once he pulled away. “Feeling possessive tonight?” he asked.
Ryo just stared back, heart beating hard in his chest. You have no idea, he thought, and pulled him to the bed, pushing him down on it.
Shige smirked at him through long bangs and Ryo felt hot all over. He shoved Shige onto his back and straddled him, grinding their erections together, the dragging friction almost too much to bear, and Shige thrashed under him.
“Fuck, Ryo,” he ground out and Ryo slid down Shige’s body, kissing and biting as he went along, Shige hissing at the stinging pain but making no move to stop him and gripping the sheets between whitened fingers. He ghosted his breath along Shige’s inner thigh and watched Shige’s dick twitch in response. Then he lifted himself up just enough to look at Shige’s face.
“Sit up,” he told him. “I want to watch you.”
Shige blushed but scrambled up and back across the bed until he was leaning against the wall, Ryo on his stomach between his legs, one hand wrapped around his erection and his mouth just above the head. “Don’t move,” he said, before taking him in nearly all the way, and Shige’s head dropped back against the wall with a thud, lashes trembling against his cheeks.
Shige was silent for the first couple of minutes, the only noise the air rushing harshly in and out of his nose as Ryo licked and sucked, tickling his balls with light fingers. His eyes were still closed and Ryo growled around him and gripped Shige’s hip hard, not caring that it would probably bruise later because Shige’s eyes flew open with a groan and looked at him with dark, unfocused eyes.
Ryo sucked hard as he pulled back, Shige tensing and moaning and flexing his fingers against the sheets, and let Shige fall out of his mouth with a pop, rising to his knees to look down at him. “You like it when I’m rough with you, Shige?” he asked, fisting him harshly and dragging short nails down Shige’s chest.
“Nnnn,” was Shige’s only reply as he shuddered under Ryo’s hands.
When Ryo prepared him roughly with lubed fingers, Shige gripped his arms tightly, bucking against Ryo when his fingers grazed that spot over and over until he nearly cried at the build-up. Only then, when Ryo’s name fell from Shige’s lips with desperate pleas, did Ryo slide in with one long push, Shige groaning under him.
Shige’s eyes were closed again and Ryo pulled out slowly only to slam harshly back in, drawing a muted scream from Shige and Shige focused on him again. “Ryo,” he whispered, voice already hoarse with need.
“Look at me,” Ryo growled, snapping his hips back and forth at an unforgiving pace.
Shige struggled to keep his eyes open, wrapping both hands around Ryo’s biceps and crying out with every thrust, until his cries all melded together in one breathless moan and his eyes slid closed as he released Ryo’s arm to reach between them and jerk himself once, twice, and he was coming hard between them.
Shige’s eyes fluttered open and he watched Ryo move above him, Shige’s cheeks and chest flushed, breath coming in deep pants as he came down from his high, and when Shige lifted one of Ryo’s hands from his hip to press a kiss to the palm, Ryo gripped his fingers tightly and leaned forward with a moan to bite into Shige’s shoulder, feeling Shige jolt under him and tighten around him with a groan as Ryo came.
After, Shige held Ryo close and whispered, “I’m not going anywhere. You don’t have to worry.”
Suddenly there was a grating pain in Ryo’s chest, and he took deep, forced breaths, trying to push it away, trying to keep the tears from coming. He was a horrible person. The most horrible person ever, to take Shige’s life from him and shape him into another man. He clutched Shige to him and sobbed into his neck, feeling Shige’s hands flutter helplessly against his back.
“Ryo, Ryo. I’m sorry. What’s wrong? Did I… Did I do something wrong? Before…”
Ryo heard the uncertainty in Shige’s voice and it made him hold his breath, sobs coming to a shuddering halt. “Before?” he prompted, voice rough.
“Before I forgot?”
“Why… Why do you think you did something wrong?” What had he remembered? He looked up at Shige, ignoring the tears streaking his own face.
“I just.” He looked away for a moment, that distant look that never failed to make Ryo’s stomach clench, before turning back to him with a desperate but determined face. “I’m sorry, Ryo. I… remember someone. And he isn’t you. And I’m sorry if that happened while we were together. I would never do it to you now, I swear it. I’m a different person now, I’m sure of it.”
Ryo blinked. And then started laughing, hysterical barks that turned back to sobbing and Shige kept rubbing his back and apologizing. What kind of person would take another man’s life and then make the man apologize for something he’d never even done?
~*~”We finally got them to release his medical files to us, Koyama-kun,” Shige’s parents told him, four months after Shige’s disappearance. The police had refused to consider him a missing person at first, and when they finally admitted that it looked like perhaps he may not have left under his own volition, they had subpoenaed the medical files from the hospital. But they had taken their sweet time in letting the family see them. “Shige… he…” Shige’s father trailed off and his mother began to cry softly. “He had amnesia when he left the hospital. Someone came with him who answered to your name, spoke to the doctor, paid the bill in cash, and left with Shige. No one knows who he is and the security videos don’t really show his face. The police say they’re looking for him now but…” ‘But Shige’s still a grown man,’ Koyama knew the police were thinking. And he left the hospital on his own two feet and with knowledge of his actions, if without his past. They wouldn’t be looking hard. ~*~
‘Days of Domestic Bliss’ was what Ryo internally titled the aftermath of his collapse. Shige was extra solicitous, always making sure he was home when Ryo got home, that meals were ready on time, that Ryo’s bento was packed for work.
“You don’t have to be my wife, Shige. It’s okay if you stay out if you’re in the middle of something.”
Shige stared bashfully at his toes. “Maybe sometimes,” he said. “But I’m happy with the way things are.”
Ryo placed a finger under Shige’s chin and tilted his head up a bit. “I’m happy too. I just wanted you to know that it’s okay and you don’t have to be perfect.”
When Shige pulled Ryo into his arms and kissed him, Ryo all but melted.
But the truth was that Ryo wanted things to stay the way they were, too. Anytime Shige did stay out late, he was tense and irritable, lashing out at Shige when he finally did turn up.
"Where were you?" Ryo bit out as Shige came through the front door.
Shige blinked at him. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling off his shoes and stepping up into the room. "I was taking some pictures downtown and didn't realize the time."
"All day?"
"Well, no. I cleaned a bit and worked in the darkroom then made lunch before going out." When Ryo stayed silent, he rushed to pull out his camera. "Do you want to see the pictures? I really took a lot."
His hands were shaking as he held the camera out to him and Ryo felt guilty. "If you were going to be downtown, you should have stopped and had lunch with me." He ignored the camera and walked into the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?"
Shige followed him into the kitchen and hovered just behind him. "Um. We could make omurice?" he asked hesitantly.
It was Ryo's favorite. Frustration, anger, self-loathing, guilt - they all flooded him and he grabbed a pot off the stove and flung it with a shout. Shige cringed away in fear and surprise at the action before scrambling to grab the pot from where it had landed after careening off the wall.
"I'm going out," Ryo said gruffly, grabbing his keys and wallet and walking out, leaving Shige standing open-mouthed behind him.
When he came back hours later, Shige had fallen asleep on the couch and he sleepily uncurled himself when Ryo came through the door.
"Welcome home," he said quietly, nervously, standing and rolling his head to the side to get a kink out.
Ryo just took his hand and led him to their room, pulling at his clothes as fast as he could manage and pressing desperate kisses against his skin. Shige never said anything about how Ryo tasted like tequila, never turned away, just let himself melt into him, both of them whispering "sorry" against each other, over and over, like a word could erase the pain.
Ryo watched Shige become more and more withdrawn, rarely leaving the house except to get groceries or come and eat lunch with Ryo. The taller man was losing weight at an alarming rate but still Ryo couldn't help but be glad of the way Shige clung to him when they were together, wrapping himself around Ryo when he could, and even when he couldn't, keeping contact with a knuckle touching Ryo's arm, or their feet or knees pressed together.
Ryo wanted to be enough. Enough to fill the void he'd created in Shige, and he poured himself into him over and over and over and over but it just wasn't enough.
~*~ “Really?” Koyama asked the man, trying not to get too excited. He took the pictures he was handed and looked through them. He couldn’t help the bitter feeling that rose from the pit of his stomach. That bastard held Shige's hand tightly in his own. And Shige was so gaunt. He gripped the picture tight enough to wrinkle, worry gnawing at his stomach. “Where is he?” Koyama asked, and accepted the slip of paper with an address, holding it tightly between his fingers. ~*~
Ryo felt Shige's loneliness like a weight pressing against his chest, so heavy and painful and he bowed under the burden. But Shige had already cracked, giving up everything but Ryo and not even trying to remember his past, no longer mentioning the few memories that had come to him so long ago. Ryo wasn't sure whether to be grateful or worried about the air of defeat that constantly surrounded Shige. The Shige he'd fallen in love with was buried under the rubble of his broken past.
“I’m tired,” Shige had told him when Ryo asked timidly about it, “of always trying to find something that just doesn’t exist anymore. If my family doesn’t want me, that’s fine. You do want me and you’re enough for me. It will have to be. I’m happy,” he finished with a crooked smile that nearly broke Ryo’s heart.
Ryo had pulled him close and kissed him, whispering how much he loved him and wanted him, forever and ever, hoping that Shige would remember later. He never expected it to last.
It all came to a screeching halt - no that was understatement, it was more like a jarring, crashing, soul-crushing stop - one mid-summer day in the streets of Osaka when they were walking hand-in-hand toward home. A man was walking toward them and Shige had stepped to the side to let him pass, but the man had just moved back into Shige’s way and Shige had looked up, irritated, to blink disbelievingly.
Ryo had just opened his mouth to chew the man out when all his words spilled out in an incomprehensible tumble as he recognized the man’s face. One he hadn’t seen in just under a year, on a phone in a hospital, and fear clawed its way through his stomach to stop up his throat and leave him speechless.
“You…” Shige said, mouth opening and closing ridiculously and Ryo knew Shige recognized him too.
“Shige,” Koyama said, anguish evident in his voice. “Shige, Shige, Shige,” he said, trying not to cry, trying not to reach out and snatch Shige to him.
Shige turned to look at Ryo and Ryo shook his head, face white, and Shige looked back at the not-stranger he sometimes saw in his fragmented memories and, sometimes, his dreams.
“I’m sorry,” Shige said quietly. “I don’t remember who you are but…” He took a quick look at Ryo’s blanched face and stood straighter, “But whatever we had, I’m not interested. I’m not that kind of man anymore.”
Koyama stared blankly at him and then turned questioning eyes to Ryo. “What have you been telling him?”
“I didn’t tell him anything about you,” Ryo muttered, looking away. God but he felt like crawling off and dying somewhere. Here was the moment he'd been waiting for, punishment and payment for doing what he’d done.
Shige blinked between them. “Ryo?” he asked in a small voice.
Ryo just moaned quietly, all words lost. He’d managed to push away, sometimes, thoughts of what he’d done, but it was all crashing down now and it hurt every bit as much as he had expected it would. His heart rate was soaring, sweat dotting his hairline, and he wanted to throw up, to curl in on himself and disappear because Shige would forget how much Ryo loved him, now, and only know the lie. The truth hurts, oh god, does it ever.
“Shige,” Koyama said, focusing on him. “If you don’t want anything to do with me, I accept that. But what about your parents? They’ve spent the last ten months in anguish over you. Won’t you at least see them? Do you remember them?” he asked hopefully.
Shige looked at Ryo and back. “I… remember a little bit about them. But not much. And why are they upset when they didn’t want anything to do with me?” he asked bitterly.
“Didn’t want… didn’t…” Koyama spluttered. “We’ve been out of our minds with worry. We didn’t know where you were or why you left or why you never called until the police finally released your medical records to us and we found out about the amnesia.”
“I don’t…” Shige looked helplessly between the two men. “I don’t know what’s going on.”
Ryo was utterly helpless. Part of him wanted to grab Shige’s hand and flee, run as far away as possible. Somewhere where it would only be the two of them and they could go on like nothing had ever happened. But he knew it for the fantasy it was because now the doubt was there, and Shige would know him for the monster he really was.
“Shige, if he told you that any of us for any reason didn’t want you in our lives, he’s been lying to you. I don’t know what he told you, but I want you to see your parents. Just once. Please,” he begged.
Ryo shrugged helplessly at Shige’s pleading face. “Do what you want,” he said hopelessly. “I knew it would come.” He watched Shige’s face fall, crumple in on itself in confusion and he resisted throwing himself at Shige’s feet and begging for forgiveness. There was none.
“You… knew? Is he telling me the truth, Ryo? Have you been lying to me?” he asked disbelievingly. “How could you? I’ve been so alone and it’s you that did it! Why?” He reached out long arms to grip Ryo’s shoulders and shake him. His face belied the desperate need for Ryo to tell him that this stranger was lying, that everything Ryo had said was the truth.
“Yes, it's the truth,” Ryo groaned, covering his face with his hands. “I don’t know why I did it!” He uncovered his face and looked at Shige. “I don’t know why but I couldn’t help myself.” He could feel himself trembling, like all his blood had rushed out of his body and left him with nothing to live on. “You’ll hate me now, but I love you. You won’t believe me because if I loved you I would never have done it, but it’s true.”
“Shige,” Koyama said quietly, pulling him away from Ryo just enough to make him let go and dropping his hands away. “I’ll pay for a room for you tonight and your parents will come tomorrow. If you don’t want to stay the night with him.”
Shige was staring at Ryo as though he had never seen him before. “I don’t. Not tonight.”
Ryo felt as though he was breaking into a million tiny shards and he said shakily. “We’ll get your things. You’ll want your camera. And you won’t want to come back for it tomorrow.”
Koyama bit his lip and waited for Shige’s reply.
“Yes, I’ll come now,” but he looked at Koyama.
“I won’t leave you,” he replied to the unasked question.
They walked the rest of the way to Ryo’s house in silence and Ryo counted every step, trying to focus enough to keep himself together. It was over, all over, but he’d had ten months and he’d never change it except to erase the broken look off Shige’s face. He’d never wanted to hurt him.
Leaving Ryo and Koyama alone in the living room, Shige went into the bedroom to pack a small bag.
Ryo spoke up from where he leaned against the wall, arms crossed, “Don’t you want to hit me?”
Koyama’s lips thinned and he kept his eyes straight ahead. “I want to beat you to a bloody mess,” he said tightly. “But Shige obviously cares for you and I don’t want to do anything to hurt him.”
Ryo stared at the tall man. And that was the difference, he thought, between true love and the obsessive love he had for Shige. This man would give anything to make Shige happy. He bet that if Shige decided to stay with Ryo, this man would give his blessing if he truly thought Shige would be happier that way. His lip trembled and he dropped his head. He didn’t ask for this love. He didn’t ask to be so crazy over this man that he would ruin both of their lives for the sake of it.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I never meant to hurt him.”
Koyama kept his silence.
Not long after, Shige emerged with his bag gripped in both hands, uncertainty evident on his face. “I,” he started, “I don’t know your name,” he said quietly to Koyama as he held open the door.
Koyama looked searchingly at Shige’s face for a moment. “Koyama Keiichiro,” he said finally, bowing.
Shige turned to face Ryo. “I don’t know what to say,” he said, looking at Ryo’s shoulder.
Ryo cleared his throat and looked away then back. “Then don’t say anything. I’ve done enough,” he told him gruffly. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. And I love you.”
Shige bit his lip and the tears welled up and he turned away, walking out past Koyama. Koyama followed after him, neither of them once looking back.
Ryo watched them go, knew he’d never see them again. Koyama never had to touch him. Ryo felt bruised and beaten to within an inch of his life, and he hadn’t laid more than his eyes on him. His shoulders still ached a bit, and his neck, from when Shige had shaken him hard enough to make his teeth rattle, and he wrapped his arms around himself, shuddering and shaking as he fell to his knees and wretched.
Nothing left now but to wait for the hammer to fall. And he would wait. Because Shige deserved that much at least.
~*~
The first few weeks in Tokyo were torture for Shige. He was happy to be reunited with his family, happy to be back in the small bedroom at his parents’ house that he vaguely remembered from his childhood. Glad to see pictures of himself and his family on trips, himself and Koyama’s family together for holidays when Koyama was in high school and he was in middle school, himself and his friends together laughing and having fun. But he couldn’t shake the feeling of loss, either. And there was so much pressure to remember. So much pressure to bring charges against Ryo. He was still trying to sort out his feelings over the past ten months, separate the love he had felt for Ryo that he was just beginning to realize wasn't really love at all, only dependency that had turned to love out of desperation. But he had spent ten months with only himself and Ryo in the whole world and this was all too much at once. The only peace he felt was around his friend Koyama, who let him sit in silence and think, who took him out to do things purely for the sake of doing them, and not to trigger memory responses.
“Koyama-kun!” Shige’s mother cried desperately over the phone. “Please come. Shige’s… he’s locked himself in his room and he’s throwing things. Please…”
“I’m coming,” he said.
By the time he got there, Shige was quiet.
“Shige?” he asked, pressed against the door. “It’s Koyama. Can I come in?”
A moment and then a snick. He waited, bit his lip, then turned the knob and let himself in, closing the door behind him, and sat down on the bed next to Shige’s prone form. He laid his hand on Shige’s head a minute before stroking through his hair slowly, silently.
Maybe five minutes later, maybe ten, and Koyama thought Shige might be sleeping, Shige spoke, voice thick. “They want me to press charges.”
“I know.”
“I can’t.”
“Why’s that?” Koyama asked, calm.
Shige wriggled a bit and turned his face to the side, away from Koyama. “I loved him,” he whispered. “And he loved me. It was fucked up but it's the truth.”
“I believe you.”
“He was all I had for almost a year. I just don’t want to think of it anymore. I want it to disappear. And if I press charges, it won’t be done for a while. I’ll have to testify and they’ll drag up things no one should have to listen to. We’ll both be publicly ostracized for our orientation. I just. Can’t we just forget it? I’m the one who was lied to. It was my life. Can’t they just let it go? How can I forget if no one will let me?” He buried his face in his sheets again and Koyama rubbed his back as he cried.
“I’ll talk to them,” Koyama promised. “I’ll talk to them tomorrow.”
Shige nodded his head against his mattress.
~*~
It was rough-going, the road to recovery, but smoothed over by family and friends eager to make new memories with him to replace the old. Some nights he’d wake up crying, his mother leaning over him, rubbing his back soothingly. Some days he’d be in a complete funk, unable to stop thinking about Ryo and their life together and wondering just how much of it all had been a lie. But most days he was just grateful to be back where he belonged. And there was no doubt in his heart that this was where he belonged.
He was horrified to learn that he had a degree from a prestigious university and now there was next to nothing left of the knowledge he’d attained, just large chunks of information he didn’t understand the context of, and Koyama had laughed to find him poring over old class notes and textbooks one night.
Koyama plucked the book out of Shige’s hands and marked the page, carefully laying it down on the bed despite Shige’s complaints. “It’s not all going to come back in one night, Shige. And we had plans to go see a movie, remember?”
Shige wrinkled his nose at him and Koyama laughed.
“You used to do this all the time when you were in school. Ahh,” he said, wiping his eyes, “how nostalgic.”
“You’re so annoying,” Shige said, but stood and went to his closet anyway.
“Yeah. But you love me anyway.”
Shige looked over his shoulder at Koyama sprawled out on Shige’s bed, watching him. “Yeah,” he said grudgingly, “I guess so.” And Koyama’s eyes went all soft until Shige tossed a shirt at his head. “So gross,” he said, smiling. But it felt good. And Koyama was right. It felt a little nostalgic, too.
~*~
Almost another year after he’d left Ryo and life had become calmer. Shige never pressed charges, but he never spoke to Ryo - never wanted to speak to Ryo - again. He didn't know what the man was doing now, and the perverse part of him hoped he was suffering just as much as Shige. Sometimes he thought of Ryo, sometimes fondly, sometimes in anger, but they were quiet moments and not long, and getting shorter every day. Almost another year and Shige felt like he could finally start his life again without anything holding him back.
Koyama and Shige walked through the park in companionable silence, Shige taking photos every now and then in the twilight and often finding the lens gravitating toward his friend and he smiled when he realized just how many of the shots had the man in them. It was nearly dark when Koyama sat down on a low wall and put his hands on either side of himself, leaning back to look up through the trees. Shige sat down next to him, carefully putting his camera away and slinging his bag back over his shoulder.
“Koyama?” he asked after a while.
“Hmm?”
“I’ve… been wondering. Before the accident. Did we date?” The way Koyama would look at him softly and then shake himself, or touch him in a way that felt intimate despite its innocence before stuttering and moving away guiltily, rather than making Shige uncomfortable had made him curious, especially the way his own body responded to a man who should have only been a friend for all he'd said.
Koyama looked over at him thoughtfully. “Yes.”
“Were we dating?”
“Yes.”
“For how long?”
“For five years,” he said with a smile.
“Why didn’t you say so before?”
Koyama sat up and put his hands on his thighs, tapping his fingers lightly against them. “You weren’t in love with me when we met after the accident. I didn’t want to just assume that you would want to be with me again. Especially after…” He glanced away.
Shige watched Koyama for a moment, watched him take calm, deep breaths. “So patient. How long would you have waited to tell me?”
“Maybe I never would have,” he replied with a shrug. They were silent and then Koyama turned to face him. “But for you I would wait forever.”
They held the gaze and Koyama broke it first, looking up again. Shige smiled, wondering if Koyama had always been so sentimental or if it had happened in the lonely months without Shige and then he almost laughed when he realized just how narcissistic it sounded. Of course Koyama had been. He was Koyama, after all. Shige thought about the last nine months, about the sense of peace he always felt around Koyama, and the man’s enduring patience and care, about all the fun they had, and the way his eyes were always drawn to Koyama, no matter where he was - like now, with his head tilted back, small eyes wide in the dark.
When Koyama felt a warm hand tentatively take his own, his heart jumped to his throat and he swallowed against it before smiling, tears springing to his eyes, and he gripped Shige’s hand tight and thought gratefully that maybe he wouldn’t have to wait quite that long.