When Fire Falls Like Rain
Title: When Fire Falls Like Rain
Pairing: Koyama/Shige/Ryo
Rating: PG (for light angst and cursing)
Words: 1,970
Summary: (Elementals 'verse) Finding a balance.
Notes: Thanks to beltenebra for all the encouragement. Inspired in part by Paramore's Brick by Boring Brick which is gorgeous both visually and aurally. Cut text = lyrics.
---
He'd stood and watched it burn, shoulders slumped in defeated acceptance as his life passed before his eyes encased in flickering flames dropping from the trees like raindrops as they blazed around him. There was nothing left for him here - he'd buried it all under six feet of earth before setting the rest ablaze. He wished his memories were as easily discarded.
"Ryo?"
He heard his name called tentatively and he shuddered, shaking himself out of his memories, felt the leaves brush against his arms and face and closed his eyes against their burning colors that set his past alight. He could feel him near him, so close but not touching, an oasis in the middle of the desert and he wanted more than anything to touch him with his own hands. Turning to face Koyama, he slowly opened his eyes and focused on him. The autumn leaves swirled around Koyama and his eyes were serious as he gazed quietly at Ryo. When one settled in his hair, Ryo reached up and carefully plucked it out, his hand hovering close to Koyama's cheek and he delicately touched the leaf to Koyama's skin and dragged it softly down, its slight weight skiptripping over high cheekbones with the way his fingers trembled. The fiery colors looked so good against his skin and Ryo wanted to lean in and kiss him, light him up and put a fire in his eyes. Instead he ran the leaf over Koyama's lips and watched Koyama's eyes flutter closed as he let out a shaky breath. Koyama's fists were clenched and he brought one hand up to hover over Ryo's before dropping it helplessly to his side and looking away.
They stood side by side in silence under the dense canopy of the trees for hours, until it was almost too dark to find their way home.
---
He feels Shige's frustration like a palpable thing and he tries to wash away the guilt. He can't help it he's so hung up on Ryo, can't help that he's so desperate to touch him that he can't concentrate on anything else, not even Shige, though he tries. Ryo gives them space, sometimes disappears for days, and they come together but it isn't the same. Koyama molds himself around Shige but he's far away and he tries doggedly to focus, to get back to the starting point.
The rain pours down around them in the dark and he can't tell the rain from his tears from himself and he just wants to melt and flow down to mix with the earth with the rest of it. Shige's on his knees in the mud, hands grasping at Koyama's wrists and Koyama thinks he's been crying but he can't tell and Shige's yelling against the storm, swearing he'll never let him be hurt again and Koyama sinks to his knees and kisses him, clinging to him and thinking this is close enough.
He aches for Shige because it was so much simpler when it was just the two of them in an easy love away from all the worries of the world, the two of them shoring each other up against the riptides of their pasts.
And Ryo. He feels Ryo's desperate desire as though it's tangible, burning him from the inside and it hurts.
---
They'd never really talked about what had brought Ryo here. How could he tell them of how his parents had been murdered for giving birth to a monster, his grandparents for trying to protect him, how he'd buried them and then burned the tree-filled village to the ground in his rage. How he'd fled from his own actions in a mix of fury and shame to live like a wild thing, grasping and snarling until he'd grown into a mistrustful, withdrawn, and reticent adult only living for the next meal and the next step. How he'd searched deep inside one day in desperation for something more and found something still and quiet inside being drawn west, always west, and he kept following it until he'd found Koyama and his world had stopped.
He felt guilty for coming here, for coming between them when they were so obviously maybe not soul-mates but more than lovers and more than friends. The young earth elemental didn't like him, not that he could blame him. He didn't really like himself, either, for the way he was causing Koyama so much pain when he should have stayed away. But he couldn't have known that this was what had been waiting for him. And now that he was here, he couldn't leave, and nothing he did endeared him to Shige. He was loathe to use him again to be with Koyama - not with the way the man felt about him. Them. So he gave them as much time as he could, wandering for days on his own, and thought idly of leaving. But he knew with a strange certainty that Koyama would come after him and Shige couldn't let him go.
They never suspected Koyama would be the one to leave.
Koyama lay twined around Shige, cheek resting over Shige's heart and he listened to it slow and watched the sheen of sweat fade away. "Shige."
"Hmmm?" Shige hummed lazily.
"I love you." Hands in his hair rubbing soothingly.
"I love you too."
Just at the edge of sleep and Koyama ran a hand down Shige's side. "I need to go away for a while." He felt Shige stiffen beneath him.
"With Ryo?" he asked reluctantly.
"No! Just me. I need to be alone."
"I'm sorry," Shige mumbled. "If I could let you go…" he trailed off helplessly and Koyama sat up so he could look at him.
"Shige," he said, tracing long fingers over his cheek. "I never want you to let me go."
When Ryo came back, Koyama was gone.
Three days later and Ryo was ready to light Shige on fire. "If you snap at me one more time I'm going to slap you."
Shige glared sullenly at him.
"Why don't you just say it. It's my fault he's gone."
"Fine. It's your fault he's gone."
"And now say, 'I am a total bitch for Koyama.'"
"You're a total bitch for Koyama."
"You little shit."
Shige grinned maliciously.
By the fifth day they were both sullen, nerves drawn too thin across worry and dragged over old wounds of guilt and resentment between the two of them. Ryo couldn't stand it another second.
"I'm sorry," he said, dour.
Shige lolled listlessly in front of the fire next to Ryo. "For what."
Ryo rolled onto his back and tilted his head so he could see Shige's face. "For coming where I wasn't wanted and screwing up your relationship." Maybe it was something in his voice; maybe Shige was just too tired to be upset anymore. Maybe he just needed the warmth of another person. Whatever the reason, Shige shifted around until he was behind Ryo, wrapped an arm around his waist, and buried his face in the back of Ryo's neck. Suddenly Ryo could feel why Koyama needed Shige. He was so steady, even in his sadness, something solid and stable and permanent. They fell asleep like that and Ryo couldn't even be upset about the crick in his neck in the morning, though Shige bitched about his. Ryo saw the blush he tried to hide, though.
---
The days grew shorter and colder and they did their best not to worry. Ryo felt a relentless tugging that had started that desperate day years before, felt the need to go after Koyama but he forced himself to stay put. To stay with Shige and pass their days like he wasn't fighting an irresistible urge. It made him cranky. Maybe a little crazy. That's the only explanation he had for the way his thoughts seemed to flicker back and forth, the present, then his past on replay. He watched it fast forward then rewind, gutter, fade, then burn away and it left him unstable. He found himself touching Shige often, just for the sense of solidity to settle him so he could focus again. Shige would look at him with an unreadable expression and Ryo wondered just what Shige was feeling from him, because he was sure it couldn't be one-sided.
He wondered if Koyama was experiencing the same thing. Was worried since there was nothing to ground him, wherever he was. He felt hollow and took to wandering again because Shige was getting more distressed every day and was crumbling at the edges and Ryo didn't want to make it worse.
Shige found him kneeling in a firestorm of autumn leaves, eyes shut against the memories they always evoked but that didn't stop them from coming. He could feel Shige watching him, knew it was him, but he was so strung out he could barely respond and then Shige was wrapping his arms around him and Shige felt strangely brittle but he could focus enough to hear Shige say, "We have to find him. You're falling apart."
"I'm not falling apart," Ryo told him. "I'm dying." Embers burning low and he had no idea how a water elemental could ever provide fuel for his fire but he did. He did.
He woke up at home next to the fire and it was higher than he'd ever seen it, flames licking the inside of the chimney, and he frowned sleepily at it. Shige was close, watching him with hands folded under his chin.
"That's dangerous, Shige. You'll burn the roof."
"I didn't know what else to do. When I was in trouble I would bury myself. I thought that maybe you needed to burn. But I didn't know if I could actually put you in the fire, so this was the best I could do." Shige moved to kneel beside him, placing his fingers lightly on Ryo's hip. "How are you feeling?"
Empty. "Okay."
"We're going to find Koyama," Shige said slowly. "Do you know where he is?"
"He wanted to be alone," Ryo said stubbornly.
"Don't be stupid. I can only assume that whatever is going on with you with him so far away is happening to him too. I'm not going to lose both of you to obstinacy."
Ryo didn't miss the trace of desperation behind the determined words.
Shige let Ryo lead, holding his hand as he went, blessedly silent finally. Shige had asked too many questions at the start, and Ryo finally broke and told him he wasn't a compass, damnit. So they moved slowly, inexorably onward.
When they finally found him, curled up tightly at the water's edge, eyes closed in fitful slumber, Shige collapsed next to him to wrap around him, dragging Ryo down by the hand. And Ryo, as uncomfortable as he was so close to the water, only gave a deep sigh and molded himself to Shige's back, feeling Koyama through him and there was finally peace.
When he woke, Shige was lying on his side, propped up on an elbow and moving his fingers over Koyama's face where he lay on his back looking up at Shige.
Shige whispered quietly, "Don't. Don't ever leave me again."
Koyama was crying. Ryo just pressed closer to Shige and ran a hand down his side, Shige copying the movement on Koyama without even thinking and Koyama sighed. "I won't."
Shige reached down to take Ryo's hand in his and kissed his fingers, eyes never leaving Koyama's. "I'll love him for you," Shige murmured so low that Ryo almost didn't hear it and Ryo could see Koyama's fingers come up to touch Shige's lips.
Ryo smiled and nudged Shige's back with his chin. Maybe one day Shige would love him for himself. But for now it was close enough.
Pairing: Koyama/Shige/Ryo
Rating: PG (for light angst and cursing)
Words: 1,970
Summary: (Elementals 'verse) Finding a balance.
Notes: Thanks to beltenebra for all the encouragement. Inspired in part by Paramore's Brick by Boring Brick which is gorgeous both visually and aurally. Cut text = lyrics.
---
He'd stood and watched it burn, shoulders slumped in defeated acceptance as his life passed before his eyes encased in flickering flames dropping from the trees like raindrops as they blazed around him. There was nothing left for him here - he'd buried it all under six feet of earth before setting the rest ablaze. He wished his memories were as easily discarded.
"Ryo?"
He heard his name called tentatively and he shuddered, shaking himself out of his memories, felt the leaves brush against his arms and face and closed his eyes against their burning colors that set his past alight. He could feel him near him, so close but not touching, an oasis in the middle of the desert and he wanted more than anything to touch him with his own hands. Turning to face Koyama, he slowly opened his eyes and focused on him. The autumn leaves swirled around Koyama and his eyes were serious as he gazed quietly at Ryo. When one settled in his hair, Ryo reached up and carefully plucked it out, his hand hovering close to Koyama's cheek and he delicately touched the leaf to Koyama's skin and dragged it softly down, its slight weight skiptripping over high cheekbones with the way his fingers trembled. The fiery colors looked so good against his skin and Ryo wanted to lean in and kiss him, light him up and put a fire in his eyes. Instead he ran the leaf over Koyama's lips and watched Koyama's eyes flutter closed as he let out a shaky breath. Koyama's fists were clenched and he brought one hand up to hover over Ryo's before dropping it helplessly to his side and looking away.
They stood side by side in silence under the dense canopy of the trees for hours, until it was almost too dark to find their way home.
---
He feels Shige's frustration like a palpable thing and he tries to wash away the guilt. He can't help it he's so hung up on Ryo, can't help that he's so desperate to touch him that he can't concentrate on anything else, not even Shige, though he tries. Ryo gives them space, sometimes disappears for days, and they come together but it isn't the same. Koyama molds himself around Shige but he's far away and he tries doggedly to focus, to get back to the starting point.
The rain pours down around them in the dark and he can't tell the rain from his tears from himself and he just wants to melt and flow down to mix with the earth with the rest of it. Shige's on his knees in the mud, hands grasping at Koyama's wrists and Koyama thinks he's been crying but he can't tell and Shige's yelling against the storm, swearing he'll never let him be hurt again and Koyama sinks to his knees and kisses him, clinging to him and thinking this is close enough.
He aches for Shige because it was so much simpler when it was just the two of them in an easy love away from all the worries of the world, the two of them shoring each other up against the riptides of their pasts.
And Ryo. He feels Ryo's desperate desire as though it's tangible, burning him from the inside and it hurts.
---
They'd never really talked about what had brought Ryo here. How could he tell them of how his parents had been murdered for giving birth to a monster, his grandparents for trying to protect him, how he'd buried them and then burned the tree-filled village to the ground in his rage. How he'd fled from his own actions in a mix of fury and shame to live like a wild thing, grasping and snarling until he'd grown into a mistrustful, withdrawn, and reticent adult only living for the next meal and the next step. How he'd searched deep inside one day in desperation for something more and found something still and quiet inside being drawn west, always west, and he kept following it until he'd found Koyama and his world had stopped.
He felt guilty for coming here, for coming between them when they were so obviously maybe not soul-mates but more than lovers and more than friends. The young earth elemental didn't like him, not that he could blame him. He didn't really like himself, either, for the way he was causing Koyama so much pain when he should have stayed away. But he couldn't have known that this was what had been waiting for him. And now that he was here, he couldn't leave, and nothing he did endeared him to Shige. He was loathe to use him again to be with Koyama - not with the way the man felt about him. Them. So he gave them as much time as he could, wandering for days on his own, and thought idly of leaving. But he knew with a strange certainty that Koyama would come after him and Shige couldn't let him go.
They never suspected Koyama would be the one to leave.
Koyama lay twined around Shige, cheek resting over Shige's heart and he listened to it slow and watched the sheen of sweat fade away. "Shige."
"Hmmm?" Shige hummed lazily.
"I love you." Hands in his hair rubbing soothingly.
"I love you too."
Just at the edge of sleep and Koyama ran a hand down Shige's side. "I need to go away for a while." He felt Shige stiffen beneath him.
"With Ryo?" he asked reluctantly.
"No! Just me. I need to be alone."
"I'm sorry," Shige mumbled. "If I could let you go…" he trailed off helplessly and Koyama sat up so he could look at him.
"Shige," he said, tracing long fingers over his cheek. "I never want you to let me go."
When Ryo came back, Koyama was gone.
Three days later and Ryo was ready to light Shige on fire. "If you snap at me one more time I'm going to slap you."
Shige glared sullenly at him.
"Why don't you just say it. It's my fault he's gone."
"Fine. It's your fault he's gone."
"And now say, 'I am a total bitch for Koyama.'"
"You're a total bitch for Koyama."
"You little shit."
Shige grinned maliciously.
By the fifth day they were both sullen, nerves drawn too thin across worry and dragged over old wounds of guilt and resentment between the two of them. Ryo couldn't stand it another second.
"I'm sorry," he said, dour.
Shige lolled listlessly in front of the fire next to Ryo. "For what."
Ryo rolled onto his back and tilted his head so he could see Shige's face. "For coming where I wasn't wanted and screwing up your relationship." Maybe it was something in his voice; maybe Shige was just too tired to be upset anymore. Maybe he just needed the warmth of another person. Whatever the reason, Shige shifted around until he was behind Ryo, wrapped an arm around his waist, and buried his face in the back of Ryo's neck. Suddenly Ryo could feel why Koyama needed Shige. He was so steady, even in his sadness, something solid and stable and permanent. They fell asleep like that and Ryo couldn't even be upset about the crick in his neck in the morning, though Shige bitched about his. Ryo saw the blush he tried to hide, though.
---
The days grew shorter and colder and they did their best not to worry. Ryo felt a relentless tugging that had started that desperate day years before, felt the need to go after Koyama but he forced himself to stay put. To stay with Shige and pass their days like he wasn't fighting an irresistible urge. It made him cranky. Maybe a little crazy. That's the only explanation he had for the way his thoughts seemed to flicker back and forth, the present, then his past on replay. He watched it fast forward then rewind, gutter, fade, then burn away and it left him unstable. He found himself touching Shige often, just for the sense of solidity to settle him so he could focus again. Shige would look at him with an unreadable expression and Ryo wondered just what Shige was feeling from him, because he was sure it couldn't be one-sided.
He wondered if Koyama was experiencing the same thing. Was worried since there was nothing to ground him, wherever he was. He felt hollow and took to wandering again because Shige was getting more distressed every day and was crumbling at the edges and Ryo didn't want to make it worse.
Shige found him kneeling in a firestorm of autumn leaves, eyes shut against the memories they always evoked but that didn't stop them from coming. He could feel Shige watching him, knew it was him, but he was so strung out he could barely respond and then Shige was wrapping his arms around him and Shige felt strangely brittle but he could focus enough to hear Shige say, "We have to find him. You're falling apart."
"I'm not falling apart," Ryo told him. "I'm dying." Embers burning low and he had no idea how a water elemental could ever provide fuel for his fire but he did. He did.
He woke up at home next to the fire and it was higher than he'd ever seen it, flames licking the inside of the chimney, and he frowned sleepily at it. Shige was close, watching him with hands folded under his chin.
"That's dangerous, Shige. You'll burn the roof."
"I didn't know what else to do. When I was in trouble I would bury myself. I thought that maybe you needed to burn. But I didn't know if I could actually put you in the fire, so this was the best I could do." Shige moved to kneel beside him, placing his fingers lightly on Ryo's hip. "How are you feeling?"
Empty. "Okay."
"We're going to find Koyama," Shige said slowly. "Do you know where he is?"
"He wanted to be alone," Ryo said stubbornly.
"Don't be stupid. I can only assume that whatever is going on with you with him so far away is happening to him too. I'm not going to lose both of you to obstinacy."
Ryo didn't miss the trace of desperation behind the determined words.
Shige let Ryo lead, holding his hand as he went, blessedly silent finally. Shige had asked too many questions at the start, and Ryo finally broke and told him he wasn't a compass, damnit. So they moved slowly, inexorably onward.
When they finally found him, curled up tightly at the water's edge, eyes closed in fitful slumber, Shige collapsed next to him to wrap around him, dragging Ryo down by the hand. And Ryo, as uncomfortable as he was so close to the water, only gave a deep sigh and molded himself to Shige's back, feeling Koyama through him and there was finally peace.
When he woke, Shige was lying on his side, propped up on an elbow and moving his fingers over Koyama's face where he lay on his back looking up at Shige.
Shige whispered quietly, "Don't. Don't ever leave me again."
Koyama was crying. Ryo just pressed closer to Shige and ran a hand down his side, Shige copying the movement on Koyama without even thinking and Koyama sighed. "I won't."
Shige reached down to take Ryo's hand in his and kissed his fingers, eyes never leaving Koyama's. "I'll love him for you," Shige murmured so low that Ryo almost didn't hear it and Ryo could see Koyama's fingers come up to touch Shige's lips.
Ryo smiled and nudged Shige's back with his chin. Maybe one day Shige would love him for himself. But for now it was close enough.