Choosing my Confessions (Part 2)
RYO
They had several more outings together, him, Yamapi and Shige. Ryo was still angry at Pi for not coming to his rescue a week ago. He had kissed Shige, Shige, just so that neither of them would make a horrible mistake that they would regret. (Granted, he wasn’t 100% sure that this mistake would have taken place but …) And yet, here he was again, with Shige punch-drunk crying tears of happiness for being in a group with them, his arms around Shige’s waist as he pried him off of Yamapi. Really, he wondered how he could be so kind-hearted and good, when his friend was no help at all.
The next day, Yamapi and Ryo were the earliest ones in the dressing room. Ryo was making fun of Yamapi for being so my-pace and spacey, asking what kind of a leader he was and whether he gave only Shige special treatment since he never treated anyone else out because the other night still got to him damnit.
Yamapi said exasperatedly, “Ryo-chan. I had no idea you had such a liking for Shige.”
If he hadn’t been so irritated Yamashita would have laughed at Ryo’s double-take. “Say what?”
“Because that is the only thing you talk about lately - me taking Shige out for drinks, us chatting in the dressing room, him being drunk and groping me in the bar.”
“What?”
“So tell me if you have a thing for Shige, ok? I am pretty sure you don’t and that kiss last week was a joke, but -“
“What the hell?” he sputtered with shock because honestly Yamashita should have been too drunk to remember that. “I’m helping you out. What do you think you’re doing taking him out and getting him drunk? Are you doing it just to get him to hang on you? Cheap thrills? Just because he’s a band member doesn’t put him above suspicion.” He tried not to think about KoyaShige and the fact that they got away with it just fine because, really, that wasn’t relevant right now. “What if people think that you and Shige are-” he trailed off meaningfully.
“What do you mean, Ryo?” Pi’s voice was deadly quiet. Ryo had never heard this tone before, but he was too riled up to think about it now.
“I have been trying so hard to keep your secret to myself, and I think it would do you some good if you behaved appropriately, too. Shige and the group might get ideas and then-”
“What secret? That I’m gay?” Yamapi asked, and Ryo visibly flinched.
“Yes? It’s not something that-“
“I need to parade around? Maybe I am tired of it, Ryo. If anyone deserves to know, it’s my own band members. And that’s why I told Shige already.”
“You told him?” Ryo was astounded. “You told Shige and you didn’t tell me?”
Yamashita’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open to form a pretty “o” of disbelieving surprise. “You saw me with my hands down my pants while I was watching gay porn! Pardon me for being presumptuous, but I didn’t think I needed to tell you! But I wonder whether it would have made any difference at all, because you are still an asshole.”
Yamapi stomped out of the room uncharacteristically, and Ryo let out a loud growl in frustration. He shouldn’t have said those things, he shouldn’t have insulted Yamashita and he suddenly felt like something was very wrong with his brain. He gripped a handful of hair and yanked it.
It didn’t help that the next person to come into the room was Shige.
“So. You knew.” Ryo seethed, stepping close to Shige.
“Good morning to you too, Nishikido - kun.” Shige drawled.
“Don’t act cute with me!” Ryo lashed out. “You knew. You knew.”
“I did?” He sidestepped the shorter man and set about carefully arranging the contents of his bag on the table.
“You knew about … about Pi.” Ryo brought his voice down to a whisper. Shige did not look impressed - did not, in fact, look at Ryo at all.
“I don’t get your point.”
“How can you act so -“
Shige whirled on Ryo and glared. “Look, Nishikido-kun, I. Don’t. Get. Your. Point.”
Ryo didn’t appreciate the special enunciation. He threw his hands in the air and burst out, “After all that time I spent protecting you, you actually didn’t need it at all!”
An incredulous look plastered itself across Shige’s face. “Protecting me from what? Yamashita-kun?”
Ryo didn’t know how to answer.
“Nishikido-kun. Why would I need protecting from Yamashita-kun? Because he is gay? Because he likes men?”
“It’s not appropriate for the Jimusho!” Ryo said, straightening his back primly.
“Oh, I see. So it’s ok for you to kiss Subaru-san for fan service, and for you to manhandle Ohkura-kun during Torn, but Yamashita-kun is not even allowed to make friends and enjoy other men’s company without it meaning something more.”
“Don’t get smart with me, Kato!” Ryo felt cornered.
Shige stepped into Ryo’s space and poked him in the chest hard. “You know Nishikido-kun, I thought you were a good friend. You were always there for Yamashita-kun, always supporting him. But I’m not sure anymore. If you find it hard to be friends with Yamashita-kun because of his sexual orientation, then I doubt whether you even were his friend at all.” And with that Shige walked out of the room, leaving Ryo completely aghast.
Ryo collapsed on the couch and lowered his head between his knees. “Fuck!” What was wrong with this situation? He was just trying to help - trying to be a good friend. And yet he was the bad guy. He had thought Yamashita wanted to keep it a secret. Ryo had thought that maybe it was a fluke when the other man never mentioned it though he knew in his heart that Yamashita’s interest in women was feigned. But, it’s not like it was something Yamashita could change was it? His sexuality? You couldn’t just wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’ll like girls, today,” and have everything normal.
He bit his lip and groaned. “I fucked it up.” Yamashita didn’t need someone to help him keep a secret. He needed someone to help him through it. That was why he had been drawn to Shige - non-judgmental Shige. Why hadn’t he figured it out before? He was smart. He must have had a blind spot for this particular problem, being too close to the situation. Well. He wasn’t done yet. He could fix it. Yamashita was his friend, regardless. He had just confused the situation and he had it clear now.
YAMAPI
Ryo came to me after our fight, just an hour later and got down on his knees - I was shocked. I tugged him to his feet and pulled him into a hug. Neither of us said a word but we both understood. Clean slate.
~~~~~
Though I now had two of my band-mates on my side, I felt like I had been pulled through a ring of fire. My emotions were raw and I just wasn’t ready to move forward. I wanted to stay where I was and allow myself a little breathing room to accept where I was at now. Unfortunately fate almost never gives us what we want, but sometimes what we need.
I was sitting alone in the waiting room while Shige and Koyama did their shoot. I rested my eyes a bit, enjoying the drowsy sensation when I felt a light weight settle on the couch next to me. I figured it was Tegoshi. When I felt a pair of slim fingers ghosting against my arm I knew I was right. I cracked an eye open to peer at him. He noticed that he had my attention and smiled at me, cocking his head to the side when he started speaking, “Yamashita-kun. You can tell me about it, you know.”
“Eh?” I asked laughingly. The look he gave me was so … how to describe it? Benevolent? That’s probably the best I can do. It was the kind of look a ruler gives to his favorite pet when it’s done something cute. That made me sit up and purse my lips in curiosity (and a bit of irritation if we’re being honest here.) “Tell you about what, exactly?”
He smiled so hard he dimpled and I swore I saw sparkles. At least he had the decency to lower his voice before he spoke next. “About you being homosexual, of course.”
I choked on my own spit. “Wh-what makes you think I’m homosexual?” I tried to wipe the astounded-cum-nervous look off my face.
Tegoshi began to tick off points with his fingers. “You never stare at women. You definitely stare at men when you think no one is looking. Even though you ‘participate’ in x-rated conversations you rarely speak up and when you do you just sort of go along with what’s already going on - “ he opened his mouth to go on but I shushed him quickly with a hand over his mouth.
I was breathing heavily. No matter how many times I found myself confronted with this, it still had the same effect - the nervousness and paranoia. If it had been someone else, someone I was less intimately attached to, maybe I would have laughed and shrugged it off. But this was Tegoshi, an important person in my life and I’ve always had a hard time lying to people I truly care about. And Tegoshi had certainly smarmed his way into my heart.
I realized I’d been inner monologue-ing with my hand over his mouth and that he had patiently sat still for me so I pulled my hand away.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
There was that smile again. “It’s ok.” His eyes flicked to the door - there were sounds of approach coming our way. “We can talk later, right?” Again the cutely cocked head and wide eyes.
“Yeah, okay,” came out of my mouth before I could form coherent thought.
Would this turn out okay? I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. Every time I took a little step, a big step threatened me too soon. Well, one thing at a time. And right now the one thing was being fawned over by a concerned KoyaShige.
“Are you all right, Yamashita-kun?” Koyama flapped his hands at me and placed cool fingers against my forehead.
“You look stressed.”
Have they always talked in tandem?
I had a hard time dealing with the situation with Tegoshi. On one hand, I very much cared about him. On the other, I wasn’t exactly buddy-buddy with him either. I don’t like to show weakness. I don’t like to show depression or worry. I know Tegoshi meant well, but I wasn’t ready for that talk. I had worried about how it would go. Amazingly, Tegoshi continued to show his perceptiveness and let it go with minor issue - which, of course, put me a bit in debt with him (and who are we kidding, that was probably what he schemed for in the first place, that rascal.)
TEGOSHI
They had mutually decided that this sort of conversation was best done in private and so Tegoshi got to see Yamashita’s apartment for the first time. Well, by mutual it means that Tegoshi said, “I guess we shouldn’t do this over lunch out so I suppose you should take me back to your place for food,” and the older man nodded dazedly. Tegoshi figured the apartment was pretty typical. Not dirty but not clean - it looked as though the person who lived there had barely enough time in the place to dirty OR clean it ... which was true. He stored away mental pictures for further perusal later. The task at hand needed to be focused on. Yamashita spread the take-out across his small dining table and went to get drinks while Tegoshi looked around.
“Bathroom’s on the left if you need it,” he called from the kitchen.
They took a seat and ate quietly - Yamashita quiet from a case of nerves and Tegoshi quiet because he was still a bit in awe of the fact that he was in THE Yamashita’s apartment. The thought then made him quietly laugh at his inner fanboy.
“So,” Tegoshi leaned back in his seat.
“Soooo,” Yamashita dragged out, hunching down a little. If anyone wanted awkward silence, this was the place to come and get it.
Tegoshi looked down at his fingers and tapped them on the table a few times before folding his hands carefully in his lap and looking up into Yamashita’s eyes with the most serious look Yamashita had ever seen on his pretty little face “I don’t need you to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to me. I really just want you to know that I know and that I don’t care - it doesn’t make me see you any differently. I just thought that, maybe, it would help you in some way to know that you’re not as alone as you think you might be. That’s it, really.”
Yamashita’s eyes were wide as he stared at the younger boy. “Tegoshi. I. I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll write a song with me sometime.” The boy’s grin was wide and charming and Yamashita couldn’t help but laugh.
“Okay, okay. That’s fair enough.”
When Tegoshi left about a half an hour later, he stopped at the door and looked back at Yamashita. He leaned against the doorframe and pulled his other shoe on as he spoke, “And I think that maybe you’re underestimating all of us by thinking we can’t handle the truth or won’t accept you for who you are. Just think about it, ok?” He gave Yamashita a brilliant smile, pulled open the door and was gone.
YAMAPI
Tegoshi had given me something to chew on. I had been putting so much emphasis lately on how close we all were and working to achieve a sense of family within the band. And yet I still held back an important facet of myself. I knew it wasn’t because of any need to save a little bit of my life for myself, in this regard - it had more to do with embarrassment and insecurity. Well, I’m a my-pace kind of guy and my pace had led to three of the other five members finding out thus far. Honestly, the remaining two should have been the easiest by comparison - so why did I hesitate for so long?
The next outing came much farther along than it should have and much sooner than I had wanted. The area outside my closet was filled with quicksand, each step harder than the last, but the members kept tossing me ropes.
MASSU
Shige texted Yamashita midday, asking if he was home. When he replied that he was, Shige asked to come over with Massu because they were drenched and in the area.
Please? We’ll just borrow your dryer for a half hour, if you’re not busy. Plus, we’ve got takeout. Yamashita could see the wheedling smile in his mind.
Yeah, okay. See you in a few, then. And don’t drip on my carpet.
The pair entered his apartment and proved the truth of their predicament - they were sopping wet. “Seriously? I didn’t even notice it raining. Are you sure you didn’t jump in a fountain?”
“Ha ha. No. It completely came down.” Shige curled his lip at him and nudged the other wet man with his shoulder “We were actually just a few blocks away on our way to that Korean place to grab some lunch when it started pouring. We didn’t want to eat inside once we were soaked so we thought we’d take advantage of your location and generosity.” Shige held out a couple plastic bags to Yamashita in offering.
The pair started stripping down to their underwear right there, dropping their sodden clothes in a heap on the tataki. Yamashita took it as evidence of Shige’s friendship that the boy didn’t blush or hesitate once and he went to grab a couple robes from his bedroom and put a pot of coffee on.
Shige and Massu took turns wringing out their clothes over the kitchen sink before placing them in Yamashita’s tiny dryer. And while Shige and Yamashita bantered back in forth in the kitchen, Yamashita turning the water on Shige’s clothes more than once as the younger man tried desperately to wring them out, Massu tried to make himself comfortable on the couch.
Yamashita came out of the kitchen, laughing, just as Massu pulled a magazine out from between the couch cushions where it had been poking at his side. All of a sudden time went into slow motion - Yamashita realized what it was that Massu was holding and watched the younger man turn it over to look curiously at the cover. He was frozen. Time sped back to normal and Massu lifted his eyes from the magazine to look at Yamashita, equally curiously, and noticed the dark blush rising to his leader’s cheeks. Then, amazingly, Massu grinned and dimpled at him and tossed the magazine carelessly onto the coffee table.
Shige chose that moment to push past Yamashita with a couple steaming mugs of coffee and set them down on the coffee table ... next to the magazine. He slowly took in the cover then looked up at Yamashita who was looking at Massu who was looking at the coffee and smiling at nothing at all. Nothing unusual there, at least.
“Er...” Yamashita said intelligently.
Massu took a sip of his coffee. “Oooh, this is good, what is it, Yamashita-kun?”
“Uhhh ... French Roast?”
Massu smacked his lips together and took another sip. Yamashita and Shige exchanged glances.
“What?” their oblivious friend asked.
They both vaguely gestured at the magazine and Massu turned his head to study it again. “It’s a yaoi magazine.” They looked expectant, so he continued. “That was in Yamashita-san’s couch.” Still expectant. “Because Yamashita-kun likes boys?”
Yamashita practically squealed, “You knew?!”
Massu pursed his lips. “No? But does it matter? Yamapi is Yamapi, right?” Then he placed his coffee cup on the table and stood, stretching languidly. “Anyone else hungry enough to eat a horse?” and made his way to the dining table where the heavenly smelling bags waited.
Shige couldn’t help thinking that Massu was entirely zen about the whole thing.
YAMAPI
I don’t know why Massu’s reaction was so surprising; in retrospect it was exactly what I should have expected from him. He is so asexual that no one really knows his sexual orientation at all. I mean, the guy wrote love songs about food. Yes, he tried to pass a “pumpkin” off as a cute girl but we, all of us, still remained a bit skeptical about that. So maybe he just didn’t place any personal value on a person’s sexuality. Maybe that’s why he’s such a happy guy. Regardless, I was quite relieved and my stomach held warm fuzzies because I could really feel the member-love as trite as it sounds.
The only one left to know was Koyama. Now that I’d waited so long, I was actually pretty nervous about telling him. I knew his feelings would probably be hurt and that I should have told him a long time ago. But I hadn’t, and I couldn’t let him stay the only one not knowing indefinitely.
KOYAMA
“I’m the last to know?” Koyama’s lips turned down at the edges and a little wrinkle appeared between his eyes. “Why am I the last to know?” A little whine was added to the last sentence.
Yamashita squirmed uncomfortably. “It just sort of ... happened that way. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you out or anything.”
Koyama stared forlornly at the floor. He didn’t understand. If anyone would understand and be sensitive to Yamashita’s predicament, it would be him. Granted, he wasn’t under the same sort of pressures as Yamashita and he did also like women but the sentiments would be the same. He liked men and he had to hide the fact outside his personal circle. And that was another thing - why had Yamashita hidden it for so long? He was beginning to see why, perhaps, his senpai hadn’t told him earlier. But still, he ought to have been better equipped for being in the know than Tegoshi.
And then Yamashita was gripping his chin between strong fingers and forcing Koyama to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry, okay?” he said in that quiet, breathy voice of his and his eyes looked so regretful that Koyama couldn’t be mad at all.
Koyama bit his lower lip. “Okay.”
YAMAPI
I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I felt when Koyama reacted to being the last to find out. He looked so damn hurt. He’d always been a good friend to me and I almost felt like I’d betrayed his trust by withholding such an important part of myself from him. We weren’t KoyaShige but we were as close as I had thought we could get without becoming KoyaPi - late night fridge raids during movies, hushed phone calls in the middle of the night, finishing each other’s sentences sometimes, buying the same products out of some sort of cosmic intuitiveness.
The last thing I had ever wanted to do was put that look on his face.
KOYAMA
His alarm clock ticked as the seconds passed - far too many to be good for him - as he lay in bed on his back, hands folded on his stomach. He had always preferred analog over digital when it came to timepieces - the tickticktick helped to ease him into sleep. Sometimes when he was extra stressed at work, he’d lay his ear against his watch and let the sound soothe him.
Tonight he’d moved the clock as close to his bed as he could and his side was flush with the edge of the bed closest to it - but to no avail. Neither sleep nor internal resolution would come. He rolled to his side and took his cell off the nightstand to scroll through his text messages, hoping for any kind of distraction.
He couldn’t decide if he was more upset at Yamashita for not telling him or at himself for not noticing. Or maybe for not coming across as trustworthy enough. Or maybe Yamashita thought that Koyama would come on to him when he found out he was gay so he told everyone else first to keep him at bay. Not that Koyama hadn’t thought about it once or twice but -
“AUGH!” He fisted his hands in his hair and sat up. “It wasn’t on purpose. It’s just how it happened.” He took a deep breath, pulled the clock to him and lay down with his ear against it. Fighting the roiling of his stomach, he slept.
YAMAPI
Koyama was over at my place long after Shige had left. I had invited Shige over but felt guilty about the whole Koyama situation and I invited him as well. Actually I wanted Koyama there but felt I needed Shige as a buffer. I was reluctant to be alone with Koyama but Shige had to leave pretty early to work on an essay and Koyama didn’t offer to leave with him.
There were a few minutes of awkward silence after Shige left but I turned on the TV to fill it and we quickly began joking around watching a really bad crime drama.
“So, when did you find out you were interested in guys?” I asked Koyama as he returned. I had turned off the TV while he was in the bathroom and the question was a bit out of the blue. But it was something I had always wanted to ask and couldn’t. With Koyama, now that he knew, I felt safe.
“Oh, ages ago.” He flopped next to me on the couch. “Maybe..5th grade? I like girls too, it’s just that I find guys really attractive.”
“When did Shige and Kusano know?” I always had wondered when they knew Koyama was bi, how they dealt with it, whether it was similar to my friends.
“I told them shortly after I started working with them. Well, I felt it was sort of unavoidable with as much as Shige and I hung out. And we all know how I can’t keep secrets.”
“You can definitely keep secrets!”
“Well, ok, yes. But not my own.” We laughed.
“And they talked to you about it too? Like, they mentioned it to you?” I really was surprised. Neither Ryo nor Jin ever said a word about it, and even Toma didn’t think twice before calling up a girl to go on a double date with me.
“Of course they did. They were really supportive. I remember one time, I was dating this guy and he was horrible and those two came to me and offered to beat him up - Shige, the guy who is afraid of caterpillars!” Koyama smiled, his eyes unfocused.
“You dated a guy?”
“You haven’t?” Koyama asked, surprised.
I shook my head. “I joined the Jimusho when I was really young, and most of the people here are … well, straight, and I’ve had to go on double dates with them and stuff. It’s not like people won’t know I am dating someone, you know?” I really meant no malice, I have always been perfectly aware of my status as an idol. Everything I have learnt since I was young is to hide in secrecy and never do or say things out in the open. I learnt it the hard way when Jin left the country and when NewS disbanded, and I have been trying to be careful ever since.
Koyama nodded in understanding. “Yeah, it must be tough for Yamapi.” He sighed and slouched down a bit.
“So what’s it like?”
“What’s what like?”
“You know? Being with a man.” Koyama flushed and I waved my hand in front of my face. “No! I mean like, being in a relationship with a man.”
“It’s no different than being with a girl!” Koyama exclaimed, chuckling.
“I know! But isn’t it a little different? Like, when you go to a restaurant, who pays? And what do you guys do?"
Koyama really couldn’t contain his laughter. “Pi, you must think that it’s a whole separate universe. Really, it’s not like that. When you go on a date, you go on a date. And I generally tend to pay because I do the inviting. And we go to movies, and dinners just like ‘normal’ people.”
“No. I didn’t mean that you weren’t normal. I meant that I wasn’t normal and I was wondering, wait no. Forget it.” I floundered for words for a moment. “I mean, I understand that it’s not ‘fundamentally’ different but … I just want to talk to someone who knows what’s going on. I’ve been too embarrassed to ask anyone else.”
Koyama laughed heartily at my awkwardness. “Seriously, The only practical thing different about dating a guy is that when you kiss there are no boobs that get in the way.” His gaze wandered down to my chest and he smirked. “Well, unless they’re kissing you.”
I laughed and half-heartedly jabbed at him.
He pursed his lips thoughtfully. “And, well, the sex is different of course.” Koyama traced patterns on his jeans.
“You have had sex with guys before?” I’m not sure why I was shocked that Koyama had had sex with a guy before. Actually I was sort of shocked thinking about him having sex with girls too but … he was nice-guy Koyama. Not that he didn’t have sex appeal but to me he was Koyama. And cute and man-sex just hadn’t computed with me before.
“Yamapi!” The blush rising to his cheeks was adorable and I smiled.
“What? I’m just curious!”
“But still!”
“Oh come on. Now you have to tell me.” I smiled at him and pushed his shoulder with my own.
“I don’t have to tell you anything.” Koyama looked at me through half-lidded eyes, a smirk on his lips, and his eyes sparkled with mischief.
“Come on. Ok, I will tell you a story. Kissing Abira Yuu made all my worst nightmares come alive. And I had to do that for years. The end. Your turn.”
Koyama fell off the couch laughing, shaking his head. “You are ridiculous!” He stretched out against the carpet, long limbs going on forever. I felt the urge to run my fingers along the strip of exposed flesh at his stomach and I inhaled sharply against it. Koyama?
“Am not!” I lowered myself to the floor slowly and lay down next to him as we both contemplated the ceiling and I tried to both sink into and ignore the heat radiating from him.
“It’s different.” Koyama whispered a few minutes later.
“What?” I struggled to remember what exactly we had even been talking about.
“The sex. It’s different. My first time, we didn’t know what to do, so we ended up giving each other hand jobs instead.” He laughed ruefully.
“Koyama,” I said quickly, starting to feel a little uncomfortable that I had forced him to say something so private. “You don’t have to if you don’t-“
He cut me off. “I trust you.” We both rose up on our elbows to face each other and Koyama turned to me as I turned to him. And in that moment, as if following some clichéd Korean drama, our lips met and we didn’t pull away.
They had several more outings together, him, Yamapi and Shige. Ryo was still angry at Pi for not coming to his rescue a week ago. He had kissed Shige, Shige, just so that neither of them would make a horrible mistake that they would regret. (Granted, he wasn’t 100% sure that this mistake would have taken place but …) And yet, here he was again, with Shige punch-drunk crying tears of happiness for being in a group with them, his arms around Shige’s waist as he pried him off of Yamapi. Really, he wondered how he could be so kind-hearted and good, when his friend was no help at all.
The next day, Yamapi and Ryo were the earliest ones in the dressing room. Ryo was making fun of Yamapi for being so my-pace and spacey, asking what kind of a leader he was and whether he gave only Shige special treatment since he never treated anyone else out because the other night still got to him damnit.
Yamapi said exasperatedly, “Ryo-chan. I had no idea you had such a liking for Shige.”
If he hadn’t been so irritated Yamashita would have laughed at Ryo’s double-take. “Say what?”
“Because that is the only thing you talk about lately - me taking Shige out for drinks, us chatting in the dressing room, him being drunk and groping me in the bar.”
“What?”
“So tell me if you have a thing for Shige, ok? I am pretty sure you don’t and that kiss last week was a joke, but -“
“What the hell?” he sputtered with shock because honestly Yamashita should have been too drunk to remember that. “I’m helping you out. What do you think you’re doing taking him out and getting him drunk? Are you doing it just to get him to hang on you? Cheap thrills? Just because he’s a band member doesn’t put him above suspicion.” He tried not to think about KoyaShige and the fact that they got away with it just fine because, really, that wasn’t relevant right now. “What if people think that you and Shige are-” he trailed off meaningfully.
“What do you mean, Ryo?” Pi’s voice was deadly quiet. Ryo had never heard this tone before, but he was too riled up to think about it now.
“I have been trying so hard to keep your secret to myself, and I think it would do you some good if you behaved appropriately, too. Shige and the group might get ideas and then-”
“What secret? That I’m gay?” Yamapi asked, and Ryo visibly flinched.
“Yes? It’s not something that-“
“I need to parade around? Maybe I am tired of it, Ryo. If anyone deserves to know, it’s my own band members. And that’s why I told Shige already.”
“You told him?” Ryo was astounded. “You told Shige and you didn’t tell me?”
Yamashita’s eyes widened and his mouth dropped open to form a pretty “o” of disbelieving surprise. “You saw me with my hands down my pants while I was watching gay porn! Pardon me for being presumptuous, but I didn’t think I needed to tell you! But I wonder whether it would have made any difference at all, because you are still an asshole.”
Yamapi stomped out of the room uncharacteristically, and Ryo let out a loud growl in frustration. He shouldn’t have said those things, he shouldn’t have insulted Yamashita and he suddenly felt like something was very wrong with his brain. He gripped a handful of hair and yanked it.
It didn’t help that the next person to come into the room was Shige.
“So. You knew.” Ryo seethed, stepping close to Shige.
“Good morning to you too, Nishikido - kun.” Shige drawled.
“Don’t act cute with me!” Ryo lashed out. “You knew. You knew.”
“I did?” He sidestepped the shorter man and set about carefully arranging the contents of his bag on the table.
“You knew about … about Pi.” Ryo brought his voice down to a whisper. Shige did not look impressed - did not, in fact, look at Ryo at all.
“I don’t get your point.”
“How can you act so -“
Shige whirled on Ryo and glared. “Look, Nishikido-kun, I. Don’t. Get. Your. Point.”
Ryo didn’t appreciate the special enunciation. He threw his hands in the air and burst out, “After all that time I spent protecting you, you actually didn’t need it at all!”
An incredulous look plastered itself across Shige’s face. “Protecting me from what? Yamashita-kun?”
Ryo didn’t know how to answer.
“Nishikido-kun. Why would I need protecting from Yamashita-kun? Because he is gay? Because he likes men?”
“It’s not appropriate for the Jimusho!” Ryo said, straightening his back primly.
“Oh, I see. So it’s ok for you to kiss Subaru-san for fan service, and for you to manhandle Ohkura-kun during Torn, but Yamashita-kun is not even allowed to make friends and enjoy other men’s company without it meaning something more.”
“Don’t get smart with me, Kato!” Ryo felt cornered.
Shige stepped into Ryo’s space and poked him in the chest hard. “You know Nishikido-kun, I thought you were a good friend. You were always there for Yamashita-kun, always supporting him. But I’m not sure anymore. If you find it hard to be friends with Yamashita-kun because of his sexual orientation, then I doubt whether you even were his friend at all.” And with that Shige walked out of the room, leaving Ryo completely aghast.
Ryo collapsed on the couch and lowered his head between his knees. “Fuck!” What was wrong with this situation? He was just trying to help - trying to be a good friend. And yet he was the bad guy. He had thought Yamashita wanted to keep it a secret. Ryo had thought that maybe it was a fluke when the other man never mentioned it though he knew in his heart that Yamashita’s interest in women was feigned. But, it’s not like it was something Yamashita could change was it? His sexuality? You couldn’t just wake up one morning and decide, “I think I’ll like girls, today,” and have everything normal.
He bit his lip and groaned. “I fucked it up.” Yamashita didn’t need someone to help him keep a secret. He needed someone to help him through it. That was why he had been drawn to Shige - non-judgmental Shige. Why hadn’t he figured it out before? He was smart. He must have had a blind spot for this particular problem, being too close to the situation. Well. He wasn’t done yet. He could fix it. Yamashita was his friend, regardless. He had just confused the situation and he had it clear now.
YAMAPI
Ryo came to me after our fight, just an hour later and got down on his knees - I was shocked. I tugged him to his feet and pulled him into a hug. Neither of us said a word but we both understood. Clean slate.
~~~~~
Though I now had two of my band-mates on my side, I felt like I had been pulled through a ring of fire. My emotions were raw and I just wasn’t ready to move forward. I wanted to stay where I was and allow myself a little breathing room to accept where I was at now. Unfortunately fate almost never gives us what we want, but sometimes what we need.
I was sitting alone in the waiting room while Shige and Koyama did their shoot. I rested my eyes a bit, enjoying the drowsy sensation when I felt a light weight settle on the couch next to me. I figured it was Tegoshi. When I felt a pair of slim fingers ghosting against my arm I knew I was right. I cracked an eye open to peer at him. He noticed that he had my attention and smiled at me, cocking his head to the side when he started speaking, “Yamashita-kun. You can tell me about it, you know.”
“Eh?” I asked laughingly. The look he gave me was so … how to describe it? Benevolent? That’s probably the best I can do. It was the kind of look a ruler gives to his favorite pet when it’s done something cute. That made me sit up and purse my lips in curiosity (and a bit of irritation if we’re being honest here.) “Tell you about what, exactly?”
He smiled so hard he dimpled and I swore I saw sparkles. At least he had the decency to lower his voice before he spoke next. “About you being homosexual, of course.”
I choked on my own spit. “Wh-what makes you think I’m homosexual?” I tried to wipe the astounded-cum-nervous look off my face.
Tegoshi began to tick off points with his fingers. “You never stare at women. You definitely stare at men when you think no one is looking. Even though you ‘participate’ in x-rated conversations you rarely speak up and when you do you just sort of go along with what’s already going on - “ he opened his mouth to go on but I shushed him quickly with a hand over his mouth.
I was breathing heavily. No matter how many times I found myself confronted with this, it still had the same effect - the nervousness and paranoia. If it had been someone else, someone I was less intimately attached to, maybe I would have laughed and shrugged it off. But this was Tegoshi, an important person in my life and I’ve always had a hard time lying to people I truly care about. And Tegoshi had certainly smarmed his way into my heart.
I realized I’d been inner monologue-ing with my hand over his mouth and that he had patiently sat still for me so I pulled my hand away.
“Sorry,” I whispered.
There was that smile again. “It’s ok.” His eyes flicked to the door - there were sounds of approach coming our way. “We can talk later, right?” Again the cutely cocked head and wide eyes.
“Yeah, okay,” came out of my mouth before I could form coherent thought.
Would this turn out okay? I wasn’t sure I was ready for it. Every time I took a little step, a big step threatened me too soon. Well, one thing at a time. And right now the one thing was being fawned over by a concerned KoyaShige.
“Are you all right, Yamashita-kun?” Koyama flapped his hands at me and placed cool fingers against my forehead.
“You look stressed.”
Have they always talked in tandem?
I had a hard time dealing with the situation with Tegoshi. On one hand, I very much cared about him. On the other, I wasn’t exactly buddy-buddy with him either. I don’t like to show weakness. I don’t like to show depression or worry. I know Tegoshi meant well, but I wasn’t ready for that talk. I had worried about how it would go. Amazingly, Tegoshi continued to show his perceptiveness and let it go with minor issue - which, of course, put me a bit in debt with him (and who are we kidding, that was probably what he schemed for in the first place, that rascal.)
TEGOSHI
They had mutually decided that this sort of conversation was best done in private and so Tegoshi got to see Yamashita’s apartment for the first time. Well, by mutual it means that Tegoshi said, “I guess we shouldn’t do this over lunch out so I suppose you should take me back to your place for food,” and the older man nodded dazedly. Tegoshi figured the apartment was pretty typical. Not dirty but not clean - it looked as though the person who lived there had barely enough time in the place to dirty OR clean it ... which was true. He stored away mental pictures for further perusal later. The task at hand needed to be focused on. Yamashita spread the take-out across his small dining table and went to get drinks while Tegoshi looked around.
“Bathroom’s on the left if you need it,” he called from the kitchen.
They took a seat and ate quietly - Yamashita quiet from a case of nerves and Tegoshi quiet because he was still a bit in awe of the fact that he was in THE Yamashita’s apartment. The thought then made him quietly laugh at his inner fanboy.
“So,” Tegoshi leaned back in his seat.
“Soooo,” Yamashita dragged out, hunching down a little. If anyone wanted awkward silence, this was the place to come and get it.
Tegoshi looked down at his fingers and tapped them on the table a few times before folding his hands carefully in his lap and looking up into Yamashita’s eyes with the most serious look Yamashita had ever seen on his pretty little face “I don’t need you to divulge your deepest, darkest secrets to me. I really just want you to know that I know and that I don’t care - it doesn’t make me see you any differently. I just thought that, maybe, it would help you in some way to know that you’re not as alone as you think you might be. That’s it, really.”
Yamashita’s eyes were wide as he stared at the younger boy. “Tegoshi. I. I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll write a song with me sometime.” The boy’s grin was wide and charming and Yamashita couldn’t help but laugh.
“Okay, okay. That’s fair enough.”
When Tegoshi left about a half an hour later, he stopped at the door and looked back at Yamashita. He leaned against the doorframe and pulled his other shoe on as he spoke, “And I think that maybe you’re underestimating all of us by thinking we can’t handle the truth or won’t accept you for who you are. Just think about it, ok?” He gave Yamashita a brilliant smile, pulled open the door and was gone.
YAMAPI
Tegoshi had given me something to chew on. I had been putting so much emphasis lately on how close we all were and working to achieve a sense of family within the band. And yet I still held back an important facet of myself. I knew it wasn’t because of any need to save a little bit of my life for myself, in this regard - it had more to do with embarrassment and insecurity. Well, I’m a my-pace kind of guy and my pace had led to three of the other five members finding out thus far. Honestly, the remaining two should have been the easiest by comparison - so why did I hesitate for so long?
The next outing came much farther along than it should have and much sooner than I had wanted. The area outside my closet was filled with quicksand, each step harder than the last, but the members kept tossing me ropes.
MASSU
Shige texted Yamashita midday, asking if he was home. When he replied that he was, Shige asked to come over with Massu because they were drenched and in the area.
Please? We’ll just borrow your dryer for a half hour, if you’re not busy. Plus, we’ve got takeout. Yamashita could see the wheedling smile in his mind.
Yeah, okay. See you in a few, then. And don’t drip on my carpet.
The pair entered his apartment and proved the truth of their predicament - they were sopping wet. “Seriously? I didn’t even notice it raining. Are you sure you didn’t jump in a fountain?”
“Ha ha. No. It completely came down.” Shige curled his lip at him and nudged the other wet man with his shoulder “We were actually just a few blocks away on our way to that Korean place to grab some lunch when it started pouring. We didn’t want to eat inside once we were soaked so we thought we’d take advantage of your location and generosity.” Shige held out a couple plastic bags to Yamashita in offering.
The pair started stripping down to their underwear right there, dropping their sodden clothes in a heap on the tataki. Yamashita took it as evidence of Shige’s friendship that the boy didn’t blush or hesitate once and he went to grab a couple robes from his bedroom and put a pot of coffee on.
Shige and Massu took turns wringing out their clothes over the kitchen sink before placing them in Yamashita’s tiny dryer. And while Shige and Yamashita bantered back in forth in the kitchen, Yamashita turning the water on Shige’s clothes more than once as the younger man tried desperately to wring them out, Massu tried to make himself comfortable on the couch.
Yamashita came out of the kitchen, laughing, just as Massu pulled a magazine out from between the couch cushions where it had been poking at his side. All of a sudden time went into slow motion - Yamashita realized what it was that Massu was holding and watched the younger man turn it over to look curiously at the cover. He was frozen. Time sped back to normal and Massu lifted his eyes from the magazine to look at Yamashita, equally curiously, and noticed the dark blush rising to his leader’s cheeks. Then, amazingly, Massu grinned and dimpled at him and tossed the magazine carelessly onto the coffee table.
Shige chose that moment to push past Yamashita with a couple steaming mugs of coffee and set them down on the coffee table ... next to the magazine. He slowly took in the cover then looked up at Yamashita who was looking at Massu who was looking at the coffee and smiling at nothing at all. Nothing unusual there, at least.
“Er...” Yamashita said intelligently.
Massu took a sip of his coffee. “Oooh, this is good, what is it, Yamashita-kun?”
“Uhhh ... French Roast?”
Massu smacked his lips together and took another sip. Yamashita and Shige exchanged glances.
“What?” their oblivious friend asked.
They both vaguely gestured at the magazine and Massu turned his head to study it again. “It’s a yaoi magazine.” They looked expectant, so he continued. “That was in Yamashita-san’s couch.” Still expectant. “Because Yamashita-kun likes boys?”
Yamashita practically squealed, “You knew?!”
Massu pursed his lips. “No? But does it matter? Yamapi is Yamapi, right?” Then he placed his coffee cup on the table and stood, stretching languidly. “Anyone else hungry enough to eat a horse?” and made his way to the dining table where the heavenly smelling bags waited.
Shige couldn’t help thinking that Massu was entirely zen about the whole thing.
YAMAPI
I don’t know why Massu’s reaction was so surprising; in retrospect it was exactly what I should have expected from him. He is so asexual that no one really knows his sexual orientation at all. I mean, the guy wrote love songs about food. Yes, he tried to pass a “pumpkin” off as a cute girl but we, all of us, still remained a bit skeptical about that. So maybe he just didn’t place any personal value on a person’s sexuality. Maybe that’s why he’s such a happy guy. Regardless, I was quite relieved and my stomach held warm fuzzies because I could really feel the member-love as trite as it sounds.
The only one left to know was Koyama. Now that I’d waited so long, I was actually pretty nervous about telling him. I knew his feelings would probably be hurt and that I should have told him a long time ago. But I hadn’t, and I couldn’t let him stay the only one not knowing indefinitely.
KOYAMA
“I’m the last to know?” Koyama’s lips turned down at the edges and a little wrinkle appeared between his eyes. “Why am I the last to know?” A little whine was added to the last sentence.
Yamashita squirmed uncomfortably. “It just sort of ... happened that way. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to leave you out or anything.”
Koyama stared forlornly at the floor. He didn’t understand. If anyone would understand and be sensitive to Yamashita’s predicament, it would be him. Granted, he wasn’t under the same sort of pressures as Yamashita and he did also like women but the sentiments would be the same. He liked men and he had to hide the fact outside his personal circle. And that was another thing - why had Yamashita hidden it for so long? He was beginning to see why, perhaps, his senpai hadn’t told him earlier. But still, he ought to have been better equipped for being in the know than Tegoshi.
And then Yamashita was gripping his chin between strong fingers and forcing Koyama to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry, okay?” he said in that quiet, breathy voice of his and his eyes looked so regretful that Koyama couldn’t be mad at all.
Koyama bit his lower lip. “Okay.”
YAMAPI
I can’t even begin to tell you how badly I felt when Koyama reacted to being the last to find out. He looked so damn hurt. He’d always been a good friend to me and I almost felt like I’d betrayed his trust by withholding such an important part of myself from him. We weren’t KoyaShige but we were as close as I had thought we could get without becoming KoyaPi - late night fridge raids during movies, hushed phone calls in the middle of the night, finishing each other’s sentences sometimes, buying the same products out of some sort of cosmic intuitiveness.
The last thing I had ever wanted to do was put that look on his face.
KOYAMA
His alarm clock ticked as the seconds passed - far too many to be good for him - as he lay in bed on his back, hands folded on his stomach. He had always preferred analog over digital when it came to timepieces - the tickticktick helped to ease him into sleep. Sometimes when he was extra stressed at work, he’d lay his ear against his watch and let the sound soothe him.
Tonight he’d moved the clock as close to his bed as he could and his side was flush with the edge of the bed closest to it - but to no avail. Neither sleep nor internal resolution would come. He rolled to his side and took his cell off the nightstand to scroll through his text messages, hoping for any kind of distraction.
He couldn’t decide if he was more upset at Yamashita for not telling him or at himself for not noticing. Or maybe for not coming across as trustworthy enough. Or maybe Yamashita thought that Koyama would come on to him when he found out he was gay so he told everyone else first to keep him at bay. Not that Koyama hadn’t thought about it once or twice but -
“AUGH!” He fisted his hands in his hair and sat up. “It wasn’t on purpose. It’s just how it happened.” He took a deep breath, pulled the clock to him and lay down with his ear against it. Fighting the roiling of his stomach, he slept.
YAMAPI
Koyama was over at my place long after Shige had left. I had invited Shige over but felt guilty about the whole Koyama situation and I invited him as well. Actually I wanted Koyama there but felt I needed Shige as a buffer. I was reluctant to be alone with Koyama but Shige had to leave pretty early to work on an essay and Koyama didn’t offer to leave with him.
There were a few minutes of awkward silence after Shige left but I turned on the TV to fill it and we quickly began joking around watching a really bad crime drama.
“So, when did you find out you were interested in guys?” I asked Koyama as he returned. I had turned off the TV while he was in the bathroom and the question was a bit out of the blue. But it was something I had always wanted to ask and couldn’t. With Koyama, now that he knew, I felt safe.
“Oh, ages ago.” He flopped next to me on the couch. “Maybe..5th grade? I like girls too, it’s just that I find guys really attractive.”
“When did Shige and Kusano know?” I always had wondered when they knew Koyama was bi, how they dealt with it, whether it was similar to my friends.
“I told them shortly after I started working with them. Well, I felt it was sort of unavoidable with as much as Shige and I hung out. And we all know how I can’t keep secrets.”
“You can definitely keep secrets!”
“Well, ok, yes. But not my own.” We laughed.
“And they talked to you about it too? Like, they mentioned it to you?” I really was surprised. Neither Ryo nor Jin ever said a word about it, and even Toma didn’t think twice before calling up a girl to go on a double date with me.
“Of course they did. They were really supportive. I remember one time, I was dating this guy and he was horrible and those two came to me and offered to beat him up - Shige, the guy who is afraid of caterpillars!” Koyama smiled, his eyes unfocused.
“You dated a guy?”
“You haven’t?” Koyama asked, surprised.
I shook my head. “I joined the Jimusho when I was really young, and most of the people here are … well, straight, and I’ve had to go on double dates with them and stuff. It’s not like people won’t know I am dating someone, you know?” I really meant no malice, I have always been perfectly aware of my status as an idol. Everything I have learnt since I was young is to hide in secrecy and never do or say things out in the open. I learnt it the hard way when Jin left the country and when NewS disbanded, and I have been trying to be careful ever since.
Koyama nodded in understanding. “Yeah, it must be tough for Yamapi.” He sighed and slouched down a bit.
“So what’s it like?”
“What’s what like?”
“You know? Being with a man.” Koyama flushed and I waved my hand in front of my face. “No! I mean like, being in a relationship with a man.”
“It’s no different than being with a girl!” Koyama exclaimed, chuckling.
“I know! But isn’t it a little different? Like, when you go to a restaurant, who pays? And what do you guys do?"
Koyama really couldn’t contain his laughter. “Pi, you must think that it’s a whole separate universe. Really, it’s not like that. When you go on a date, you go on a date. And I generally tend to pay because I do the inviting. And we go to movies, and dinners just like ‘normal’ people.”
“No. I didn’t mean that you weren’t normal. I meant that I wasn’t normal and I was wondering, wait no. Forget it.” I floundered for words for a moment. “I mean, I understand that it’s not ‘fundamentally’ different but … I just want to talk to someone who knows what’s going on. I’ve been too embarrassed to ask anyone else.”
Koyama laughed heartily at my awkwardness. “Seriously, The only practical thing different about dating a guy is that when you kiss there are no boobs that get in the way.” His gaze wandered down to my chest and he smirked. “Well, unless they’re kissing you.”
I laughed and half-heartedly jabbed at him.
He pursed his lips thoughtfully. “And, well, the sex is different of course.” Koyama traced patterns on his jeans.
“You have had sex with guys before?” I’m not sure why I was shocked that Koyama had had sex with a guy before. Actually I was sort of shocked thinking about him having sex with girls too but … he was nice-guy Koyama. Not that he didn’t have sex appeal but to me he was Koyama. And cute and man-sex just hadn’t computed with me before.
“Yamapi!” The blush rising to his cheeks was adorable and I smiled.
“What? I’m just curious!”
“But still!”
“Oh come on. Now you have to tell me.” I smiled at him and pushed his shoulder with my own.
“I don’t have to tell you anything.” Koyama looked at me through half-lidded eyes, a smirk on his lips, and his eyes sparkled with mischief.
“Come on. Ok, I will tell you a story. Kissing Abira Yuu made all my worst nightmares come alive. And I had to do that for years. The end. Your turn.”
Koyama fell off the couch laughing, shaking his head. “You are ridiculous!” He stretched out against the carpet, long limbs going on forever. I felt the urge to run my fingers along the strip of exposed flesh at his stomach and I inhaled sharply against it. Koyama?
“Am not!” I lowered myself to the floor slowly and lay down next to him as we both contemplated the ceiling and I tried to both sink into and ignore the heat radiating from him.
“It’s different.” Koyama whispered a few minutes later.
“What?” I struggled to remember what exactly we had even been talking about.
“The sex. It’s different. My first time, we didn’t know what to do, so we ended up giving each other hand jobs instead.” He laughed ruefully.
“Koyama,” I said quickly, starting to feel a little uncomfortable that I had forced him to say something so private. “You don’t have to if you don’t-“
He cut me off. “I trust you.” We both rose up on our elbows to face each other and Koyama turned to me as I turned to him. And in that moment, as if following some clichéd Korean drama, our lips met and we didn’t pull away.