Happy trails to you...
Title: Happy trails to you…
Characters: NewS gen
Rating: PG-13
Words: 2,300
Warnings: um… crack? AU
Summary: 'Team building activities should be formulated to take members out of their normal comfort zones so their true selves are shown. Breaking down barriers allows the members to come to trust one another having seen the real people underneath.' Tegoshi's got a class project and some guinea pigs.
Notes: Wooo!! Let's kick off je_justfriends which has just opened signups. Go, fulfill your gen dreams… or someone else's anyway. This is completely dedicated to lemonadetea for making this macro which STILL sends me into hysterics over a month later.
---
"So… this TMJ will take us to the past?" Yamashita asks, eyebrow arched as he circles the machine.
"TDM… time displacement machine," Tegoshi says distractedly, poking at one of the wires.
"TMI, to me," Ryo mutters under his breath but pastes a fake smile on when Tegoshi looks at him suspiciously. "Why do you even want to go to the past? Isn't the present good enough for you? You have to go mucking about in the past?"
"It's for a project," Tegoshi says airily, then straightens. "I want to see the effects of inter-dependency and extreme hardship on group dynamics."
"And why, can anyone tell me, do we have to be part of your experiment?" Shige wonders aloud.
Tegoshi purses his lips and cocks his head. "Because you love me? Besides, it counts as a diversity credit."
"I think the love bit is debatable," Shige replies, but Koyama elbows him in the ribs and he takes it back sullenly.
"It's not like it'll be that bad, Shige," Koyama adds in. "You won't be missing any time here. Tegoshi will bring us right back to a few minutes later, and if anything serious happens, he'll just send you back."
"The Oregon Trail isn't a walk in the park, Kei! If I get bitten by a snake, teleporting me to the future isn't going to zap me full of anti-toxins and into a hospital bed."
"It'll be fine, Shige," Tegoshi says brightly. "Trust me."
Everyone is staring at Shige and he finally shrugs. "So I guess you've already laid out everything we need to know and have before we go?"
Blinking owlishly, Tegoshi purses his lips. "Nope! Yamapi is the leader!" he says, turning an adoring smile on the man.
Yamashita sort of does this weird half-bashful smile and puffs his chest out a bit. Ryo groans.
"Okay! As leader, I delegate all the planning to Shige!"
Ryo snorts with laughter. "I'm glad you paid attention in government, Pi."
Shige's not really surprised. "You'd better fucking buy me dinner when we get back," is all he says, and Yamashita agrees blandly even though Shige had been talking to Tegoshi.
---
"Massu," Shige says, exasperated. "I told you you could have two sets of clothes. That's all. This is, like, seventeen. You're going to overburden the oxen and they're going to die and then we're going to die."
"I'm not going to wear the same outfit every day. That's disgusting. Besides, it's just some clothing. It's not going to be that much of a burden. Besides… we won't die. You're so dramatic today."
"You… have you ever heard of the straw that breaks the camel's back?" He hefts a pile of clothing and ignores Massu's fierce look because he knows he's wrinkling it. "This. This is the straw."
"But they're oxen, Shige," Massu pouts. "Haven't you ever heard 'strong like bull'?"
"Put. Them. Back."
They both turn to face Yamashita whose gaze had been idly ping-ponging between them, Massu with a pleading look and Shige with a self-righteous glare.
"What?"
---
"…I'm bored." Tegoshi taps his fingers relentlessly against the fabric of the wagon as he walks beside it.
"What? Seriously? This was your idea." Ryo glares at Tegoshi. "It's been, like, four hours. Enjoy the scenery. Or something. You're the one always going on about how awesome physical exertion is."
"Yamapi is enjoying himself," Koyama says cheerfully, nodding at their leader who is smiling gently as he wanders along.
"I bet he's not thinking about anything at all," Ryo observes with a snicker.
"Probably," Koyama agrees. "I'm sure he's enjoying the break."
A week later, the word 'break' is no longer applicable. Though watching Yamashita and Massu strongman a new axle on the cart had been entertaining in its own way, they're all kind of tired (except Tegoshi) and Massu keeps complaining about being hungry even though they're still on 'filling' rations. Ryo keeps complaining about how cold it is. Yamashita the human furnace keeps them all warm at night, at least, huddled together like a 'pile of gay puppies', as Ryo says, for warmth.
Koyama idly wonders aloud how Tegoshi is going to write a paper on all this when he isn't taking any notes.
"I have an excellent memory," he replies, swinging his arms jauntily as he walks, and Koyama barely restrains Shige from throttling him.
"You'd better remember every detail or I'm going to make you suffer," Shige tells him.
Tegoshi doesn't look particularly worried, whether because he trusts his memory that much or just isn't that intimidated by Shige they each have their own opinions.
---
"Give me the gun," Ryo grinds out at Koyama who is sitting on the box they keep it in.
"…You're not going to shoot Shige, are you?"
"No, I'm going to shoot some deer, so we can get Massu to shut the hell up about being hungry."
"…Do you even know how to use it?"
"Do you want me to show you?"
"Now, now," Yamashita steps between them, gently urging Koyama up off the box. "This will be good for Ryo. Let him get some killing energy out." They watch him stalk off. "Besides," he whispers cheerfully to Koyama, "better them than us! And… fresh meat!"
Koyama thinks Yamashita might be drooling.
---
When they meet strangers on the trail, they get some funny looks. Shige had expected this and arranged things so they had to do as little trading as possible, but sometimes they had to buy supplies.
"I want to buy 100 pounds of flour, 20 pounds of bacon, half a bushel of dried beans, five pounds of sugar, five pounds of salt, and half a bushel of corn meal."
The clerk looks at Shige strangely. "Say that again?"
It takes five repetitions and Shige beating his own forehead against the counter once for the guy to get it. And even then he ends up with five pounds of baking soda instead. Looks like they'll have some fluffy biscuits he guesses.
Ryo and Massu find a sense of camaraderie together bitching about the bland beans, and Koyama in a rare moment (though becoming less rare as the trail goes on)of indignation tells them that if they want to complain, they can cook their own damn food. Tegoshi watches interestedly.
---
They make it mostly without incident to the halfway point, losing one ox in a fording mishap and Koyama had cried a bit about it. But they celebrate the halfway point with a major emergency.
"Shiiiigeeeeeee!!" Yamashita screams, limping quickly toward the wagon, clutching at the waist of his pants, and Koyama rushes to help him sit down on the edge.
"What? What happened?" Koyama asks him, Massu and Ryo looking on worriedly.
"Snake bite!" He points at his inner mid-thigh.
"How the fuck did you get bitten there?" Ryo asks but Yamashita looks pretty panicked and he can guess, anyway.
The three non-bitten men share a look, Massu looks freaked and Ryo's raised eyebrow is a clear indication of non-cooperation, so Koyama takes a deep breath and grabs at Yamashita's pants, dropping them in record time and leaning in face first when suddenly Shige is there, face flushed, grabbing Koyama by the collar and hauling him back.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Snake bite!"
"You can't suck the poison out… Don't you listen to anything I tell you? Did any of you even read the safety manuals I printed out?!"
Everyone looks away guiltily except Koyama who reaches out tentatively to swipe at the area with an alcohol pad. He keeps making soothing noises and Yamashita may or may not be responding to them. It's hard to tell. Shige lets him go, smoothing his shirt before going to dig through the first aid kit.
"Married," Ryo mutters, and Koyama can't help but think that Ryo must be in shock because his best friend might be dying and he's cracking jokes. He does look a little twitchy.
"What did the snake look like, Pi?" Shige asks, looking over Koyama's shoulder as he cleans the twin wounds. "And where the hell is Tegoshi?"
"Brown. Brown with dark brown blocks on its back."
"Did it have a rattle?"
"Eh? I didn't… hear anything? I was a little busy, okay?" His voice is strained and Shige pats him comfortingly. "I don't know… I hit it with a stick and it fell off and I just really don't know. Am I going to die?"
"Er… no. Of course not."
Then Tegoshi strides up. "Hey! Guys look! I found dinner! This snake was right over there by those trees, stunned, and I almost stepped on it, but I saw it at the last minute and cut its head off." He smiles happily. "Everyone says snake tastes like chicken… Hey-" he says, finally focusing on them. "What's with Pi?"
"Bull snake," Shige breathes, practically collapsing onto the ground. "Not venomous."
Yamashita eats his dinner with a special enthusiasm.
---
Shige's never done a walk of shame in his life. Until now. While he and Koyama were off with Ryo hunting, they were held at gunpoint and completely stripped, Ryo seething the whole time about the idiots not watching his back. Now they walk back to their wagon, completely exposed to the mild plains wind and bright sunlight and mostly grateful that they're alive.
The rest of their group stare at them in astonishment as the trio walks up, red-faced from more than just a mild sunburn, covering their manhood (except Ryo).
"Where's the gun?" Tegoshi asks mildly, and the three men gape at him.
"We're stark naked on the Oregon Trail and your first question is, 'where's the gun?'" Shige yells.
Ryo just gives this sort of growl and says, "I'll fucking show you where the gun is," and takes off running after Tegoshi who flees, laughing happily.
"Seriously, though," Yamashita says quietly to Koyama, who's rooting around in their supplies for some underwear at the least. "Where's the gun?"
"See? Now I bet you're glad I brought those extra outfits," Massu is telling Shige smugly.
Shige thinks the 'glad' part is arguable (he has never before wanted to wear this style combination) but he's not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a stubborn mule.
---
They've been stalled for two days because Ryo's somehow managed to get dysentery, despite Shige insisting on treating all their water before they drink it.
"I told you not to drink from that stream, Ryo," Yamashita whispers at Ryo, mostly to piss him off and because he's the only one who can. "You know this means you ingested ox shit or something, right?" he continues, laughing maniacally as he dances out of the shorter man's reach.
Tegoshi watches their exchange in interest, smiling a little, and Massu nudges him. "You think Ryo will get him back when he can move again?"
"I hope so," is all Tegoshi says.
---
Five months from the start, and they're finally there. The end of the Oregon Trail. They're travel-weary, dirtier than they've ever been in their life, and have suffered through things no human should have to suffer, like clothes so dirty they can stand on their own, broken fingers, a bacteria that makes it feel like your organs are exiting your body out the back door, being held at gunpoint and walking naked across a grassland, being subjected to five freaking months of Massu's ridiculous puns and Tegoshi's too-happy face at 4 every morning. Shige thinks Tegoshi will be lucky if he ever speaks to him again after this. He might almost be tired of Koyama at this point. But it's been kind of amazing. He's certainly never felt so close to anyone in his life as he does to these five men. But mostly he just wants to go home.
The transport is quick and the six very dirty men face each other in a grumpy circle.
"Well," Tegoshi says into the silence. "I definitely collected some excellent data. Thanks, guys. I'll need to do interviews later but it can wait."
There are grumbled words and they sort of shuffle their feet. They don't want to be anywhere near each other but they're not really sure they can just walk away.
Tegoshi is staring at them, though, all filthy in his nice, clean lab. "You may leave now. You all stink."
Ryo looks like he's tempted to throttle him and Shige can identify with that desire, but Massu scratches his neck and then looks at his fingers in disgust. "I'm afraid to try and wash it all off. What if it's embedded…"
The rest of the group explodes into laughter and Koyama steps forward to throw his arm around Massu and lead him out. "Come on. I'll scrub your back if you scrub mine."
/Epilogue/
When the lights come back on, five sets of eyes blink at Tegoshi in disbelief, mouths agape in naked shock that quickly morphs into indignation.
"That…" Shige starts, stops, can't go on because really…
"We braved the Oregon Trail for a ten-slide powerpoint?" Yamashita gasps out.
Tegoshi frowns at them. "There's no 'small' projects, just small thinking. This is the most informed presentation ever. I'll definitely get an A."
"I… I'm too tired to even argue. You," Shige says, pointing at Tegoshi, "you're taking all of us out for dinner. Right now. And you're buying Massu a new outfit and a loofah." Then he turns on his heel and walks out, the other four following after him in a show of solidarity.
Tegoshi just watches them for a moment, all talking animatedly with each other as they share space, then smiles fondly and follows them out. He's glad his experiment worked. Besides, he's sure he can get someone else to pay.
Characters: NewS gen
Rating: PG-13
Words: 2,300
Warnings: um… crack? AU
Summary: 'Team building activities should be formulated to take members out of their normal comfort zones so their true selves are shown. Breaking down barriers allows the members to come to trust one another having seen the real people underneath.' Tegoshi's got a class project and some guinea pigs.
Notes: Wooo!! Let's kick off je_justfriends which has just opened signups. Go, fulfill your gen dreams… or someone else's anyway. This is completely dedicated to lemonadetea for making this macro which STILL sends me into hysterics over a month later.
---
"So… this TMJ will take us to the past?" Yamashita asks, eyebrow arched as he circles the machine.
"TDM… time displacement machine," Tegoshi says distractedly, poking at one of the wires.
"TMI, to me," Ryo mutters under his breath but pastes a fake smile on when Tegoshi looks at him suspiciously. "Why do you even want to go to the past? Isn't the present good enough for you? You have to go mucking about in the past?"
"It's for a project," Tegoshi says airily, then straightens. "I want to see the effects of inter-dependency and extreme hardship on group dynamics."
"And why, can anyone tell me, do we have to be part of your experiment?" Shige wonders aloud.
Tegoshi purses his lips and cocks his head. "Because you love me? Besides, it counts as a diversity credit."
"I think the love bit is debatable," Shige replies, but Koyama elbows him in the ribs and he takes it back sullenly.
"It's not like it'll be that bad, Shige," Koyama adds in. "You won't be missing any time here. Tegoshi will bring us right back to a few minutes later, and if anything serious happens, he'll just send you back."
"The Oregon Trail isn't a walk in the park, Kei! If I get bitten by a snake, teleporting me to the future isn't going to zap me full of anti-toxins and into a hospital bed."
"It'll be fine, Shige," Tegoshi says brightly. "Trust me."
Everyone is staring at Shige and he finally shrugs. "So I guess you've already laid out everything we need to know and have before we go?"
Blinking owlishly, Tegoshi purses his lips. "Nope! Yamapi is the leader!" he says, turning an adoring smile on the man.
Yamashita sort of does this weird half-bashful smile and puffs his chest out a bit. Ryo groans.
"Okay! As leader, I delegate all the planning to Shige!"
Ryo snorts with laughter. "I'm glad you paid attention in government, Pi."
Shige's not really surprised. "You'd better fucking buy me dinner when we get back," is all he says, and Yamashita agrees blandly even though Shige had been talking to Tegoshi.
---
"Massu," Shige says, exasperated. "I told you you could have two sets of clothes. That's all. This is, like, seventeen. You're going to overburden the oxen and they're going to die and then we're going to die."
"I'm not going to wear the same outfit every day. That's disgusting. Besides, it's just some clothing. It's not going to be that much of a burden. Besides… we won't die. You're so dramatic today."
"You… have you ever heard of the straw that breaks the camel's back?" He hefts a pile of clothing and ignores Massu's fierce look because he knows he's wrinkling it. "This. This is the straw."
"But they're oxen, Shige," Massu pouts. "Haven't you ever heard 'strong like bull'?"
"Put. Them. Back."
They both turn to face Yamashita whose gaze had been idly ping-ponging between them, Massu with a pleading look and Shige with a self-righteous glare.
"What?"
---
"…I'm bored." Tegoshi taps his fingers relentlessly against the fabric of the wagon as he walks beside it.
"What? Seriously? This was your idea." Ryo glares at Tegoshi. "It's been, like, four hours. Enjoy the scenery. Or something. You're the one always going on about how awesome physical exertion is."
"Yamapi is enjoying himself," Koyama says cheerfully, nodding at their leader who is smiling gently as he wanders along.
"I bet he's not thinking about anything at all," Ryo observes with a snicker.
"Probably," Koyama agrees. "I'm sure he's enjoying the break."
A week later, the word 'break' is no longer applicable. Though watching Yamashita and Massu strongman a new axle on the cart had been entertaining in its own way, they're all kind of tired (except Tegoshi) and Massu keeps complaining about being hungry even though they're still on 'filling' rations. Ryo keeps complaining about how cold it is. Yamashita the human furnace keeps them all warm at night, at least, huddled together like a 'pile of gay puppies', as Ryo says, for warmth.
Koyama idly wonders aloud how Tegoshi is going to write a paper on all this when he isn't taking any notes.
"I have an excellent memory," he replies, swinging his arms jauntily as he walks, and Koyama barely restrains Shige from throttling him.
"You'd better remember every detail or I'm going to make you suffer," Shige tells him.
Tegoshi doesn't look particularly worried, whether because he trusts his memory that much or just isn't that intimidated by Shige they each have their own opinions.
---
"Give me the gun," Ryo grinds out at Koyama who is sitting on the box they keep it in.
"…You're not going to shoot Shige, are you?"
"No, I'm going to shoot some deer, so we can get Massu to shut the hell up about being hungry."
"…Do you even know how to use it?"
"Do you want me to show you?"
"Now, now," Yamashita steps between them, gently urging Koyama up off the box. "This will be good for Ryo. Let him get some killing energy out." They watch him stalk off. "Besides," he whispers cheerfully to Koyama, "better them than us! And… fresh meat!"
Koyama thinks Yamashita might be drooling.
---
When they meet strangers on the trail, they get some funny looks. Shige had expected this and arranged things so they had to do as little trading as possible, but sometimes they had to buy supplies.
"I want to buy 100 pounds of flour, 20 pounds of bacon, half a bushel of dried beans, five pounds of sugar, five pounds of salt, and half a bushel of corn meal."
The clerk looks at Shige strangely. "Say that again?"
It takes five repetitions and Shige beating his own forehead against the counter once for the guy to get it. And even then he ends up with five pounds of baking soda instead. Looks like they'll have some fluffy biscuits he guesses.
Ryo and Massu find a sense of camaraderie together bitching about the bland beans, and Koyama in a rare moment (though becoming less rare as the trail goes on)of indignation tells them that if they want to complain, they can cook their own damn food. Tegoshi watches interestedly.
---
They make it mostly without incident to the halfway point, losing one ox in a fording mishap and Koyama had cried a bit about it. But they celebrate the halfway point with a major emergency.
"Shiiiigeeeeeee!!" Yamashita screams, limping quickly toward the wagon, clutching at the waist of his pants, and Koyama rushes to help him sit down on the edge.
"What? What happened?" Koyama asks him, Massu and Ryo looking on worriedly.
"Snake bite!" He points at his inner mid-thigh.
"How the fuck did you get bitten there?" Ryo asks but Yamashita looks pretty panicked and he can guess, anyway.
The three non-bitten men share a look, Massu looks freaked and Ryo's raised eyebrow is a clear indication of non-cooperation, so Koyama takes a deep breath and grabs at Yamashita's pants, dropping them in record time and leaning in face first when suddenly Shige is there, face flushed, grabbing Koyama by the collar and hauling him back.
"What do you think you're doing?"
"Snake bite!"
"You can't suck the poison out… Don't you listen to anything I tell you? Did any of you even read the safety manuals I printed out?!"
Everyone looks away guiltily except Koyama who reaches out tentatively to swipe at the area with an alcohol pad. He keeps making soothing noises and Yamashita may or may not be responding to them. It's hard to tell. Shige lets him go, smoothing his shirt before going to dig through the first aid kit.
"Married," Ryo mutters, and Koyama can't help but think that Ryo must be in shock because his best friend might be dying and he's cracking jokes. He does look a little twitchy.
"What did the snake look like, Pi?" Shige asks, looking over Koyama's shoulder as he cleans the twin wounds. "And where the hell is Tegoshi?"
"Brown. Brown with dark brown blocks on its back."
"Did it have a rattle?"
"Eh? I didn't… hear anything? I was a little busy, okay?" His voice is strained and Shige pats him comfortingly. "I don't know… I hit it with a stick and it fell off and I just really don't know. Am I going to die?"
"Er… no. Of course not."
Then Tegoshi strides up. "Hey! Guys look! I found dinner! This snake was right over there by those trees, stunned, and I almost stepped on it, but I saw it at the last minute and cut its head off." He smiles happily. "Everyone says snake tastes like chicken… Hey-" he says, finally focusing on them. "What's with Pi?"
"Bull snake," Shige breathes, practically collapsing onto the ground. "Not venomous."
Yamashita eats his dinner with a special enthusiasm.
---
Shige's never done a walk of shame in his life. Until now. While he and Koyama were off with Ryo hunting, they were held at gunpoint and completely stripped, Ryo seething the whole time about the idiots not watching his back. Now they walk back to their wagon, completely exposed to the mild plains wind and bright sunlight and mostly grateful that they're alive.
The rest of their group stare at them in astonishment as the trio walks up, red-faced from more than just a mild sunburn, covering their manhood (except Ryo).
"Where's the gun?" Tegoshi asks mildly, and the three men gape at him.
"We're stark naked on the Oregon Trail and your first question is, 'where's the gun?'" Shige yells.
Ryo just gives this sort of growl and says, "I'll fucking show you where the gun is," and takes off running after Tegoshi who flees, laughing happily.
"Seriously, though," Yamashita says quietly to Koyama, who's rooting around in their supplies for some underwear at the least. "Where's the gun?"
"See? Now I bet you're glad I brought those extra outfits," Massu is telling Shige smugly.
Shige thinks the 'glad' part is arguable (he has never before wanted to wear this style combination) but he's not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Or a stubborn mule.
---
They've been stalled for two days because Ryo's somehow managed to get dysentery, despite Shige insisting on treating all their water before they drink it.
"I told you not to drink from that stream, Ryo," Yamashita whispers at Ryo, mostly to piss him off and because he's the only one who can. "You know this means you ingested ox shit or something, right?" he continues, laughing maniacally as he dances out of the shorter man's reach.
Tegoshi watches their exchange in interest, smiling a little, and Massu nudges him. "You think Ryo will get him back when he can move again?"
"I hope so," is all Tegoshi says.
---
Five months from the start, and they're finally there. The end of the Oregon Trail. They're travel-weary, dirtier than they've ever been in their life, and have suffered through things no human should have to suffer, like clothes so dirty they can stand on their own, broken fingers, a bacteria that makes it feel like your organs are exiting your body out the back door, being held at gunpoint and walking naked across a grassland, being subjected to five freaking months of Massu's ridiculous puns and Tegoshi's too-happy face at 4 every morning. Shige thinks Tegoshi will be lucky if he ever speaks to him again after this. He might almost be tired of Koyama at this point. But it's been kind of amazing. He's certainly never felt so close to anyone in his life as he does to these five men. But mostly he just wants to go home.
The transport is quick and the six very dirty men face each other in a grumpy circle.
"Well," Tegoshi says into the silence. "I definitely collected some excellent data. Thanks, guys. I'll need to do interviews later but it can wait."
There are grumbled words and they sort of shuffle their feet. They don't want to be anywhere near each other but they're not really sure they can just walk away.
Tegoshi is staring at them, though, all filthy in his nice, clean lab. "You may leave now. You all stink."
Ryo looks like he's tempted to throttle him and Shige can identify with that desire, but Massu scratches his neck and then looks at his fingers in disgust. "I'm afraid to try and wash it all off. What if it's embedded…"
The rest of the group explodes into laughter and Koyama steps forward to throw his arm around Massu and lead him out. "Come on. I'll scrub your back if you scrub mine."
/Epilogue/
When the lights come back on, five sets of eyes blink at Tegoshi in disbelief, mouths agape in naked shock that quickly morphs into indignation.
"That…" Shige starts, stops, can't go on because really…
"We braved the Oregon Trail for a ten-slide powerpoint?" Yamashita gasps out.
Tegoshi frowns at them. "There's no 'small' projects, just small thinking. This is the most informed presentation ever. I'll definitely get an A."
"I… I'm too tired to even argue. You," Shige says, pointing at Tegoshi, "you're taking all of us out for dinner. Right now. And you're buying Massu a new outfit and a loofah." Then he turns on his heel and walks out, the other four following after him in a show of solidarity.
Tegoshi just watches them for a moment, all talking animatedly with each other as they share space, then smiles fondly and follows them out. He's glad his experiment worked. Besides, he's sure he can get someone else to pay.