Who's your daddy?
Title: Who's your daddy?
Characters/Pairing: … it's complicated. Shige/Koyama, Shige/Pi, Ryo/Tego, Massu/Tego, Koyama/Tego, Pi/Jin… I think I got them all.
Rating: R?
Words: 1,670
Warnings: You will read this with a D: face. This is an offensive satire. Adultery, MPREG, dub-con (slut-shaming/victim blaming), badfic on purpose, CRACK, girl!Kame, asshole!Ryo, much bitchery. Do not read this if mockery of any of these things offend you. Really, there are probably not enough warnings on this.
Summary: Shige's got magic jizz. Much pregnancy ensues.
Notes: This is all for bananyphophany. Here's to our completely whacked conversations.
Me: I can see pregnant koyama running around in circles going "OH MY GOD IS IT GOING TO COME OUT MY FOREHEAD? My beautiful face. It's going to be ruined. Will I have stretch marks on my temples?"
Cait: Oh god. XD
Me: And Yamapi rushes to assure him that everything will be fine. You just sort of... black out and then there's the baby
Cait: That's what happens when you research male birth.
Me: XD
it's like a miracle
Kill me now. Cut text a quote from Junior.
---
Tegoshi has never been more terrified in his life. Every relationship had problems, and he and Ryo were no exception - four years together spread thin across long distance calls and too much work, not enough nights home together, and Tegoshi can't be blamed for seeking warmth somewhere else when Ryo left his bed cold and lonely.
It was difficult to convince Massu that what they were doing was okay, that he was filling a hole in Tegoshi's desolate heart, but Tegoshi knew that Massu would eventually come around. He didn't have to wait long. A few well-placed comments, sad stares, and come-hither eyes and Massu was finally pinning him against the wall in an impressive display of dominance and the rest, as they say, is history.
But now Tegoshi is pregnant, and he has no idea which of the two men is the father, and he's afraid he'll lose them both forever.
He confides his secret to Koyama, breathing out the whole mess of it in one long sentence, eyes pleading with Kei to understand him, to not judge him, to help him.
"Please, Koyama. Ryo will leave me if he finds out, but what if it's his baby? I want to be with the father of my child."
Koyama bites his lip, uncertain. He'd do anything for Tegoshi, but he doesn't know how he could possibly help.
"Sleep with Ryo," Tegoshi says quickly, eyes big and wide and scared. "Sleep with Ryo and Shige can sleep with Massu and then we can find out."
"Tegoshi! I… I really want to help… but this… I can't."
Tears well in Tegoshi's eyes, and he looks so helpless. Koyama leans forward and brushes his thumbs over Tegoshi's cheeks.
"Don't cry. Please. Tegoshi," he whines, as the younger man starts to cry. He stops him the only way he knows how, presses his lips against Tegoshi's softly, moves them slowly against his until Tegoshi tilts his face up and kisses him back, thin, strong arms reaching up suddenly to clutch him tightly.
Guilt clutches Tegoshi more tightly, though, the next morning, head hanging over the toilet bowl and it's not just morning sickness causing his nausea. Four years they've been together, through good times and bad. Ryo wouldn't leave him now. Okay, so he's been unfaithful. He regrets that now. He'll just come clean about the baby. Ryo won't leave him.
---
"Get the fuck out."
"Ryo?" Tegoshi's lower lip trembles and he takes a hesitant step toward his lover.
"I'm serious," Ryo seethes and shoves Tegoshi away. "I don't want kids. That's why I'm with you."
"But… all those times you said you definitely wanted to be a dad…"
"Feeding the fangirls, idiot. Making money. Now get out."
Massu is much more understanding, Tegoshi thinks, as he tucks his head under Massu's chin and curls up against him that night.
---
"Tegoshi!!" Koyama practically screeches, dragging Tegoshi down the hall and into their empty meeting room.
"Kei-chan! What?"
"I'm pregnant…" he says, wringing his trembling hands.
"You slept with Ryo?!"
"What? No."
"But… I bottomed. I couldn't have gotten you pregnant. And anyway… how could I have gotten myself pregnant?"
"I… I slept with Shige," Koyama says quietly, eyes sliding to the side.
"But I didn't sleep with Shige!"
Koyama glares at him. "Not everything is about you, Tegoshi."
"…I'm sorry." Koyama chews nervously at his nail and Tegoshi sort of bounces on his toes as they stare at each other in silence. "But it's not mine, right? Because I don't think I can handle two babies on the way…"
"You're an ass," Koyama replies and stalks out of the room.
---
Koyama manages to hide his pregnancy for the first four months, but then it becomes painfully obvious that he and Tegoshi are both with child. When Yamashita walks in on Koyama standing tall with his head bowed, eyes focused on Shige's hand resting on his blossoming belly, all hell breaks loose.
"I knew it!" Yamashita screams, walking straight up to Shige and punching him in the jaw.
A failed attempt by Koyama to insert himself between the two men ends with him watching Yamashita from the floor as their leader grabs Shige by the collar and shakes him.
"You swore there was nothing between you two! You swore it!" he says, and Koyama's never seen Yamashita lose it like this.
Shige looks less surprised. "I didn't mean for it to happen like this, Tomo, really. I love you." His hands rise to Yamashita's elbows and run softly up his forearms to come to rest over Yamashita's hands on his collar. He squeezes gently. "I do. But I love Koyama, too."
"Shige?" Koyama says tremulously from his spot on the floor, looking between the two.
"You thought you were the only one?" Yamashita asks bitterly, yanking his hands away. "Shige doesn't know what it means to be faithful. After all the shit I've been through, bearing your children, and this is what you do."
"Children?" Koyama squeaks out.
Shige looks pained, sighs.
"Well," Yamashita spits, and takes a step back, a nasty smile coming to his lips. "Two of them aren't yours."
There is utter silence as Shige reels from that news, literally rocking back on his heels, eyes wide. "What… you. What?"
Yamashita's smile just grows.
"Whose are they?" Shige growls, striding forward to crowd Yamashita whose smile falters, but he doesn't give ground.
"They're mine," a voice drawls and all three men's eyes are drawn to the door where Jin is lounging against the frame, face carefully blank.
"Oh this is rich." Shige's voice drips with sarcasm. "You nag me for years about my non-existent relationship with my best friend, and you're the one screwing around."
"Jin," Yamashita breathes, and when Koyama looks at him, his eyes are wide and scared.
"When were you going to tell me that two of my children were actually Shige's?" Jin asks.
"I'm sorry," Yamashita whispers, hanging his head.
Koyama's not really sure what to do, what with Shige and Jin glaring daggers at one another, but his ass is starting to hurt and his leader looks pretty lost, so he climbs clumsily to his feet and puts an arm around Yamashita's shoulder. The younger man turns wet, grateful eyes to Koyama and leans against him. Koyama can't find it in him to hate the man.
Meanwhile, Shige is eyeing Jin dubiously. "I doubt you can impregnate anyone. It's not like this shit is normal. Those kids are all mine. Just because you fucked him doesn't mean they're yours."
"Fuck you, Kato. You think you're so special. You're not. Maybe all those kids are actually mine."
"Fine. We'll settle this once and for all." And with that, he lunges at Jin.
There's no space for pregnant Koyama to intervene, and Yamashita can't bring himself to, probably because he doesn't really know who he's rooting for.
Sounds of ripping clothing fill the air and they watch as the epic battle for dominance between the two men ensues. It's rough and dirty and ends with Shige on top, an outcome no one (but Shige) really foresaw. He takes his prize out of Jin's flesh, only spit to ease his way and Yamashita and Koyama watch in horrified fascination as Shige pounds into him, coming to a violent climax inside his weary opponent.
It's over before they even know what to do. But as Shige climbs tiredly to his feet, clutching his remaining clothing to himself, Yamashita comes to a decision and flies to Jin's side.
"It's okay, Jin. I won't leave you. I can't leave you now. I'll raise your and Shige's baby as though it were ours." They share a soft look and Jin leans up to kiss him tenderly.
Shige looks like he's just sucked some really sour grapes. "Fine. Fine. If that's how you want it, fine."
"Don't make this my fault," Yamashita hisses. "After all the times you've cheated on me."
"I didn't! Well… not until Tegoshi, and then Koyama but-" Shige's hand flies to his mouth and his eyes cut to Koyama.
"Tegoshi?!" Koyama screeches. "When did you… he thinks it's Ryo's or Massu's!"
"It's mine." He has the grace to look sheepish. "Come on, Koyama. He practically asks for it with the way he struts around, always dressing in those short skirts."
"But why does he think it's Ryo's or Massu's?"
"He was asleep."
Koyama just blinks at him uncomprehendingly. "Shige," he says quietly, "that's rape."
"He never said 'no'."
"He was sleeping."
They stare at one another for a long moment, and then Shige sighs and takes Koyama's hand gently. "We're leaving." He strides out and Koyama stumbles after him.
---
It's hard to forgive and forget, especially when you're required to work together. It takes Tegoshi months to forgive Shige for impregnating him. But in the end, he has to admit that it forced him to finally make a choice between Ryo and Massu. And, truly, Massu is so good to him. Besides, Tegoshi had always wanted a baby.
Koyama and Shige iron out their kinks as well, though Koyama does get Shige's cell phone gps turned on so he can make sure there are no other baby Shiges coming along. They're pretty strapped for cash as is with child support for three plus their own, and they don't need any more. But Shige says that Koyama's his soulmate and now that they've finally become one, he doesn't need anyone else. Koyama's still keeping tabs on him, though. He's in love, but he's not stupid.
Yamashita and Jin seem to be doing well, too, once they had gotten over the little kerfluffle between Jin and Kame that resulted in Jin finding out that Kame is actually, well, a girl, which explained why Kame had never gotten pregnant. It sort explained a lot of things, really.
They're far from one, big, happy family, but they're making things work. And that's all you can really do in a world like this.
Characters/Pairing: … it's complicated. Shige/Koyama, Shige/Pi, Ryo/Tego, Massu/Tego, Koyama/Tego, Pi/Jin… I think I got them all.
Rating: R?
Words: 1,670
Warnings: You will read this with a D: face. This is an offensive satire. Adultery, MPREG, dub-con (slut-shaming/victim blaming), badfic on purpose, CRACK, girl!Kame, asshole!Ryo, much bitchery. Do not read this if mockery of any of these things offend you. Really, there are probably not enough warnings on this.
Summary: Shige's got magic jizz. Much pregnancy ensues.
Notes: This is all for bananyphophany. Here's to our completely whacked conversations.
Me: I can see pregnant koyama running around in circles going "OH MY GOD IS IT GOING TO COME OUT MY FOREHEAD? My beautiful face. It's going to be ruined. Will I have stretch marks on my temples?"
Cait: Oh god. XD
Me: And Yamapi rushes to assure him that everything will be fine. You just sort of... black out and then there's the baby
Cait: That's what happens when you research male birth.
Me: XD
it's like a miracle
Kill me now. Cut text a quote from Junior.
---
Tegoshi has never been more terrified in his life. Every relationship had problems, and he and Ryo were no exception - four years together spread thin across long distance calls and too much work, not enough nights home together, and Tegoshi can't be blamed for seeking warmth somewhere else when Ryo left his bed cold and lonely.
It was difficult to convince Massu that what they were doing was okay, that he was filling a hole in Tegoshi's desolate heart, but Tegoshi knew that Massu would eventually come around. He didn't have to wait long. A few well-placed comments, sad stares, and come-hither eyes and Massu was finally pinning him against the wall in an impressive display of dominance and the rest, as they say, is history.
But now Tegoshi is pregnant, and he has no idea which of the two men is the father, and he's afraid he'll lose them both forever.
He confides his secret to Koyama, breathing out the whole mess of it in one long sentence, eyes pleading with Kei to understand him, to not judge him, to help him.
"Please, Koyama. Ryo will leave me if he finds out, but what if it's his baby? I want to be with the father of my child."
Koyama bites his lip, uncertain. He'd do anything for Tegoshi, but he doesn't know how he could possibly help.
"Sleep with Ryo," Tegoshi says quickly, eyes big and wide and scared. "Sleep with Ryo and Shige can sleep with Massu and then we can find out."
"Tegoshi! I… I really want to help… but this… I can't."
Tears well in Tegoshi's eyes, and he looks so helpless. Koyama leans forward and brushes his thumbs over Tegoshi's cheeks.
"Don't cry. Please. Tegoshi," he whines, as the younger man starts to cry. He stops him the only way he knows how, presses his lips against Tegoshi's softly, moves them slowly against his until Tegoshi tilts his face up and kisses him back, thin, strong arms reaching up suddenly to clutch him tightly.
Guilt clutches Tegoshi more tightly, though, the next morning, head hanging over the toilet bowl and it's not just morning sickness causing his nausea. Four years they've been together, through good times and bad. Ryo wouldn't leave him now. Okay, so he's been unfaithful. He regrets that now. He'll just come clean about the baby. Ryo won't leave him.
---
"Get the fuck out."
"Ryo?" Tegoshi's lower lip trembles and he takes a hesitant step toward his lover.
"I'm serious," Ryo seethes and shoves Tegoshi away. "I don't want kids. That's why I'm with you."
"But… all those times you said you definitely wanted to be a dad…"
"Feeding the fangirls, idiot. Making money. Now get out."
Massu is much more understanding, Tegoshi thinks, as he tucks his head under Massu's chin and curls up against him that night.
---
"Tegoshi!!" Koyama practically screeches, dragging Tegoshi down the hall and into their empty meeting room.
"Kei-chan! What?"
"I'm pregnant…" he says, wringing his trembling hands.
"You slept with Ryo?!"
"What? No."
"But… I bottomed. I couldn't have gotten you pregnant. And anyway… how could I have gotten myself pregnant?"
"I… I slept with Shige," Koyama says quietly, eyes sliding to the side.
"But I didn't sleep with Shige!"
Koyama glares at him. "Not everything is about you, Tegoshi."
"…I'm sorry." Koyama chews nervously at his nail and Tegoshi sort of bounces on his toes as they stare at each other in silence. "But it's not mine, right? Because I don't think I can handle two babies on the way…"
"You're an ass," Koyama replies and stalks out of the room.
---
Koyama manages to hide his pregnancy for the first four months, but then it becomes painfully obvious that he and Tegoshi are both with child. When Yamashita walks in on Koyama standing tall with his head bowed, eyes focused on Shige's hand resting on his blossoming belly, all hell breaks loose.
"I knew it!" Yamashita screams, walking straight up to Shige and punching him in the jaw.
A failed attempt by Koyama to insert himself between the two men ends with him watching Yamashita from the floor as their leader grabs Shige by the collar and shakes him.
"You swore there was nothing between you two! You swore it!" he says, and Koyama's never seen Yamashita lose it like this.
Shige looks less surprised. "I didn't mean for it to happen like this, Tomo, really. I love you." His hands rise to Yamashita's elbows and run softly up his forearms to come to rest over Yamashita's hands on his collar. He squeezes gently. "I do. But I love Koyama, too."
"Shige?" Koyama says tremulously from his spot on the floor, looking between the two.
"You thought you were the only one?" Yamashita asks bitterly, yanking his hands away. "Shige doesn't know what it means to be faithful. After all the shit I've been through, bearing your children, and this is what you do."
"Children?" Koyama squeaks out.
Shige looks pained, sighs.
"Well," Yamashita spits, and takes a step back, a nasty smile coming to his lips. "Two of them aren't yours."
There is utter silence as Shige reels from that news, literally rocking back on his heels, eyes wide. "What… you. What?"
Yamashita's smile just grows.
"Whose are they?" Shige growls, striding forward to crowd Yamashita whose smile falters, but he doesn't give ground.
"They're mine," a voice drawls and all three men's eyes are drawn to the door where Jin is lounging against the frame, face carefully blank.
"Oh this is rich." Shige's voice drips with sarcasm. "You nag me for years about my non-existent relationship with my best friend, and you're the one screwing around."
"Jin," Yamashita breathes, and when Koyama looks at him, his eyes are wide and scared.
"When were you going to tell me that two of my children were actually Shige's?" Jin asks.
"I'm sorry," Yamashita whispers, hanging his head.
Koyama's not really sure what to do, what with Shige and Jin glaring daggers at one another, but his ass is starting to hurt and his leader looks pretty lost, so he climbs clumsily to his feet and puts an arm around Yamashita's shoulder. The younger man turns wet, grateful eyes to Koyama and leans against him. Koyama can't find it in him to hate the man.
Meanwhile, Shige is eyeing Jin dubiously. "I doubt you can impregnate anyone. It's not like this shit is normal. Those kids are all mine. Just because you fucked him doesn't mean they're yours."
"Fuck you, Kato. You think you're so special. You're not. Maybe all those kids are actually mine."
"Fine. We'll settle this once and for all." And with that, he lunges at Jin.
There's no space for pregnant Koyama to intervene, and Yamashita can't bring himself to, probably because he doesn't really know who he's rooting for.
Sounds of ripping clothing fill the air and they watch as the epic battle for dominance between the two men ensues. It's rough and dirty and ends with Shige on top, an outcome no one (but Shige) really foresaw. He takes his prize out of Jin's flesh, only spit to ease his way and Yamashita and Koyama watch in horrified fascination as Shige pounds into him, coming to a violent climax inside his weary opponent.
It's over before they even know what to do. But as Shige climbs tiredly to his feet, clutching his remaining clothing to himself, Yamashita comes to a decision and flies to Jin's side.
"It's okay, Jin. I won't leave you. I can't leave you now. I'll raise your and Shige's baby as though it were ours." They share a soft look and Jin leans up to kiss him tenderly.
Shige looks like he's just sucked some really sour grapes. "Fine. Fine. If that's how you want it, fine."
"Don't make this my fault," Yamashita hisses. "After all the times you've cheated on me."
"I didn't! Well… not until Tegoshi, and then Koyama but-" Shige's hand flies to his mouth and his eyes cut to Koyama.
"Tegoshi?!" Koyama screeches. "When did you… he thinks it's Ryo's or Massu's!"
"It's mine." He has the grace to look sheepish. "Come on, Koyama. He practically asks for it with the way he struts around, always dressing in those short skirts."
"But why does he think it's Ryo's or Massu's?"
"He was asleep."
Koyama just blinks at him uncomprehendingly. "Shige," he says quietly, "that's rape."
"He never said 'no'."
"He was sleeping."
They stare at one another for a long moment, and then Shige sighs and takes Koyama's hand gently. "We're leaving." He strides out and Koyama stumbles after him.
---
It's hard to forgive and forget, especially when you're required to work together. It takes Tegoshi months to forgive Shige for impregnating him. But in the end, he has to admit that it forced him to finally make a choice between Ryo and Massu. And, truly, Massu is so good to him. Besides, Tegoshi had always wanted a baby.
Koyama and Shige iron out their kinks as well, though Koyama does get Shige's cell phone gps turned on so he can make sure there are no other baby Shiges coming along. They're pretty strapped for cash as is with child support for three plus their own, and they don't need any more. But Shige says that Koyama's his soulmate and now that they've finally become one, he doesn't need anyone else. Koyama's still keeping tabs on him, though. He's in love, but he's not stupid.
Yamashita and Jin seem to be doing well, too, once they had gotten over the little kerfluffle between Jin and Kame that resulted in Jin finding out that Kame is actually, well, a girl, which explained why Kame had never gotten pregnant. It sort explained a lot of things, really.
They're far from one, big, happy family, but they're making things work. And that's all you can really do in a world like this.