What a Boy Wants
Title: What a Boy Wants
Pairing/Group: Koyama/Shige
Rating: NC-17
Words: 4,828
Notes: For yey-yey , posted in je_holiday here. Thanks to my wonderful beta, imifumei without whom I couldn't have done this. Any errors you find now are mine.
Summary: Shige’s tired of Koyama doing what everyone but Koyama wants. Pushing his buttons gets him more than he’d bargained for.
From: Koyama
Come out with me.
Shige read the text with bleary eyes and folded his book over the arm of the couch to reply.
Can it wait until tomorrow? I really need to finish this assignment while it’s still fresh.
He began reading again after a moment when there was no reply. Five minutes later his phone buzzed.
From: Koyama
Don’t make me drink alone, please. It’s pathetic.
“Ehhh?” There was a distinct lack of emoticons, he realized belatedly. He should have guessed from the first message. He cast a forlorn look at his book before texting back a simple Where? and going to change his clothes.
--
The bar was tucked back into a corner of a less-than-respectable neighborhood and Shige wasn’t surprised that the interior was just about as dingy as the street outside. Through the dim light, he was barely able to spot Koyama nestled in a back booth, squeezed tight against the wall, hands wrapped around a mug.
“You’re going to make it warm,” Shige noted, sliding in across from his friend who never met his eyes. Koyama shrugged. “You look tired. What’s wrong?”
“Just talk about something, Shige.”
He studied Koyama’s slumped shoulders, the tight grip of his hands on his glass, his pursed lips, and the small wrinkle between his eyes. “Hmmm.” He knew what this was - Koyama was single again and unhappy about it. Really unhappy. Koyama was usually pretty good about staying optimistic but not tonight.
A worn out waitress shuffled over to ask what he’d have and he just said, “Two of whatever he’s having,” with a nod at Koyama. “And a water.”
He propped his chin in a hand, resting the other on the tabletop. “I took some photos yesterday. There were these kids playing in the park a few blocks from my place. They were wrestling with these dogs that were not much smaller than they were. It was cute.” He rambled on, paying more attention to his miserable friend than to his words.
He stopped mid-sentence after a few minutes when their beers were set down in front of them, some slopping over the edges to pool around the bases. “Why am I talking if you’re not listening?” He grabbed a napkin and wiped both mugs off.
“I just don’t feel like being alone.”
“Takai-san?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmmm.” Shige watched Koyama run a delicate finger around the rim of his mug. “Drink,” he said, and Koyama did, draining the rest of the glass and grimacing. “I told you you’d make it warm.”
“She dumped me. For being too nice.”
Shige waited. Took a long drink.
“I don’t understand!” Koyama moaned, staring into his empty glass. “What do they want?”
Shige moved the fresh beer in front of Koyama who slowly pushed the empty to the edge of the table and wrapped long fingers around the new mug. Shige knew what they wanted. It was what everyone wanted, what he wanted - for the person he loved to love himself enough to voice his wants, his desires rather than just going along with whatever someone else wanted.
Frowning, Shige rested his cheek against a propped up fist and took in Koyama’s distant eyes, pinched lips and wilting frame. Ridiculous, that’s what all of this was - Koyama went through this every time and not just with girls, though, granted, he wasn’t usually this put out about it. He fought a small mental battle with himself then squared his shoulders and sat up straight. “Maybe you are,” he clipped out, looking at Koyama intently.
Then Koyama looked up at him. “What?”
He wanted to take it back, really, because Koyama’s eyes were filled with hurt and a hint of betrayal, but he couldn’t because he’d seen something in Koyama’s eyes, at first - a spark of fight. And if there was anything Koyama needed, it was a little fight and a lot of backbone.
“Too nice.” Shige held his gaze and watched as Koyama’s brows knit together. “Drink,” he said brusquely and caught the waitress’s eye to motion for the bill. If this had been a friendly get-together, Shige would be cheering Koyama on with how fast he chugged his beer.
Setting the mug on the table, he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “Girls always talk about how they want nice guys, Shige. I’m a nice guy. I don’t understand.” He blinked slowly as he watched Shige slide the glass of water in front of him.
“You said that.” Shige watched Koyama narrow his eyes and clench his jaw. When he opened his mouth, Shige nudged the water toward him. “Drink.”
Koyama’s nostrils flared but he drank it anyway, clunking the empty glass down on the table hard enough to shake it. Shige clicked his tongue in irritation and spoke over whatever Koyama started to say. “Go to the bathroom. We’re leaving.” He abruptly stood and walked to the front, not even waiting to see if Koyama would do as he said. He paid the bill and waited, drumming nervous fingertips against the wall until Koyama sidled up to him, a little flushed, though Shige wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or embarrassment. “We’re going home.”
“Now?”
“You don’t want to?”
“Well…”
Shige waited but all he got was averted eyes and a frown. “Then we’re going.”
Koyama shuffled along beside him and Shige’s mind furiously tried to think ahead. What was he doing? Where was he going with this? He shook his head a little. If it worked, it was more than worth it.
“Did you ever tell her no, Koyama?” he asked his friend as they got on the train.
“What kind of question is that?”
“You never say no. I can see how she might have been frustrated. Maybe she thought you didn’t really care. Always saying ‘yes’ sometimes seems like you’re taking the easy way out.” Shige liked to think he was just talking about Koyama’s latest ex.
Koyama huffed beside him. “It’s not easy.”
“But it makes you seem easy… Boring.” He flicked his eyes to the side just in time to see his friend jerk and glare.
“Shige’s not being very supportive,” Koyama said morosely. “Maybe I’m glad I’m going home.”
“You’re not.”
“What?”
“You’re coming to my place.” He watched a flash cross Koyama’s eyes and then fade behind a sullen frown which made Shige scowl. Koyama was not making this easy.
“Shige…” he knew the tone - it was Koyama’s way of saying he didn’t like what was going on. But it wasn’t enough, not tonight.
“What?” Koyama didn’t say anything. “Come on then.” Resignation on both ends. Behind him, Koyama dragged his feet as they got off at Shige’s stop.
Shadow and silence surrounded them as they made their way to Shige’s apartment and didn’t let up until Shige opened his door, flicked the light switch on and muttered “I’m home” to no one in particular. He kicked his shoes off and walked straight to his fridge to pull out two teas, a brand he knew Koyama hated. The tall man was still standing awkwardly in the genkan and Shige pressed one into his hand. “Drink it.” He twisted the cap off of his own and watched Koyama do the same, his movements stiff. “What’s wrong?” he asked, with a twist to his lips. Koyama just brought the bottle to his mouth and tipped his head back while Shige watched, unsmiling.
He gripped his tea hard and fought against the roiling of his stomach. “I know you’re not the smartest person in the world, but I’d thought you’d have learned by now. This is the third girl to dump you for the same thing. You’re an idiot.” Shige watched Koyama squeeze the bottle tight enough to crumple the sides in and he took it from him harshly, capping and placing both bottles on the floor a couple feet away. “You need to learn to say what you want. Are you unhappy right now?” He stepped close, probably too close, he thought, but he couldn’t help it, and fisted a hand in Koyama’s shirt. The older man set his jaw and looked away, hands resting limply along his sides, and Shige gripped harder to pull him away from the wall just far enough that he could shove him back against it. Frustration gripped him harder than the hold he had on Koyama. “What! Tell me what you want!” He could see the struggle on his friend’s face.
“Why are you doing this?” Koyama whispered, eyes full of hurt and burning into his own and Shige wanted nothing more than to wrap both arms around him to take the sting out. But then they would be back to square one and Shige never wanted to have to go through this again.
“The question is, ‘why aren’t you?’ Aren’t you angry? Don’t lie to me.” And he shoved Koyama against the wall again, harder.
“Why are you angry, Shige? What did I do?” His lower lip trembled.
“Don’t!” he shouted and then sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, worrying it. “What the hell, Koyama? Do you like it when people push you around? I hate watching it,” and his voice dripped with disdain. His grip on Koyama’s shirt tightened as he spoke and his other hand moved up to join in. He tried to ignore the way it felt to be almost pressed up against Koyama, tried not to press the line of his right leg up to his hip against him, but failed. They were both breathing hard and it was difficult not to focus on the blush rising from Koyama’s chest to spread across his cheeks. Koyama blinked and slowly brought his hands up to grip Shige’s and the touch was enough to break him out of the moment. Shige stepped back and slammed him hard against the wall again and Koyama’s hands shot out to connect with Shige’s shoulders, shoving him back.
“Stop it!” he yelled, and hooked his leg around Shige’s, yanking it back and dropping them both to the floor. Shige’s head hit the step and he cursed loudly and rolled Koyama under him, trying to restrain the older man. But now that he’d started, Koyama’s instincts took over and they fought, shouts ringing off the walls, scraping nails against flesh, punching, kicking and grappling until Koyama was on top, hands on Shige’s chest, long legs straddling his friend’s hips, and faces inches apart. There was nothing but silence and heaving chests until Koyama sat up a little and breathed, “What the fuck, Shige,” shoving him hard against the ground. The younger man curled his fingers loosely around Koyama’s wrists and licked his lips.
“Are you angry with me, Koyama?” he tried to say but his voice was hoarse and it broke into a whisper.
“Yes,” he hissed and watched Shige’s lips curl into an infuriating smirk.
“Good.” He tightened his grip on Koyama’s wrists. “Do you want to go home?”
“No,” he said slowly. “I want to punch you for being an asshole.”
“So do it.” He let go of Koyama’s right wrist. “Just not in the face.” And he didn’t look at all surprised when Koyama sat up, cocked back his fist and punched him hard in the chest. Wincing, he said, “I was kind of hoping you’d hit like you’ve been acting - like a girl,” and Koyama scowled.
“I haven’t been acting like a girl.” His voice was petulant. “You talk big for someone who just sat back and let me punch him.” He pulled away a little to watch Shige’s face.
“And tell me, Koyama,” and his voice was a slow, infuriating drawl, “how that’s any different from what you let everyone do, every day?” Koyama’s mouth opened and closed and Shige thought he might see some understanding dawning on his friend. “I’m tired of watching everyone take advantage of you. It’s hard watching you lose yourself to everyone else’s whims. You do it with me, too,” he slid his eyes to the side and mumbled, “and it hurts. To be just like anyone else to you.”
“You’re not just like everyone else to me,” Koyama said, eyes wide. “You’re my best friend.”
Shige could feel real anger clawing at him. “And you let me make you do all those things! You let me order you around like your opinion didn’t matter, let me make you do something you didn’t want, let me push you! Why?”
“I … don’t want to inconvenience anyone.” He jerked at the sound Shige made, like a hiss in the back of his throat.
“I want you to be you. How can I know who you are, if you won’t let me know?” He winced at how raw his voice sounded. He tried, again, to ignore the way it felt, Koyama’s hands flat against his chest, his own hand wrapped around Koyama’s wrist like Koyama’s knees around his hips. He focused, instead, on Koyama’s face and the emotions he watched flit across it, knowing exactly what the man was thinking - confusion (they were best friends, after all - what was Shige saying?), anger (that Shige could possibly insinuate that he didn’t know Koyama), shame (for himself because maybe he did allow himself to be swayed by the whims of other people) and finally acceptance (because it was, after all, all true).
Koyama leaned back, then, free hand rising to push his hair out of his face, and his quiet “I’m sorr-“ died on his lips when Shige shifted and he could feel that his friend was hard underneath him. His eyelids stuttered in shock and he looked down at the younger man to take in his parted lips and hooded eyes.
Shige could feel his blush deepen and he let his eyes slide to the side before rising up to lean on his elbows. “No, I’m sorry. I just. I just get tired of watching it all happen and how crushed you get sometimes. And I just want you to do what you want to do for once, without compromise. And. And look,” he said, getting more self-conscious and flustered, “could you please get off me? This is embarrassing.” And he half sat up and pushed lightly at Koyama’s chest. When Koyama remained silent and didn’t move, he looked up to see an honest-to-goodness unfathomable look in his friend’s eyes which just made him more uncomfortable and actually a little worried.
“I thought we were doing what I wanted, now,” Koyama said, voice low.
And then Shige realized the look wasn’t unfathomable, it was just foreign, and his jaw dropped. “K-Koyama?” And then Koyama was fisting both hands in his shirt and leaning down to kiss him.
---
Koyama had been shocked, to say the least, when he’d felt Shige’s erection pressing up against him. It’s not like he’d never thought of his friend that way - they’d been draped over each other in compromising positions often enough that it would have been insane not to. But he’d thought Shige was straight. And, at present, that assumption left him somewhat confused. But then he thought about what Shige had been doing all night, what he’d been trying to prove and thought, Maybe it is time for what I want, and so he kissed him.
When Shige didn’t respond, he pulled back quickly, scrambling back off Shige until he hit the door, his knees and shins pressed against the floor. “I’m sorry,” he said, horrified at himself. “I thought. Never mind.” And he started to stand but Shige’s voice stopped him. It was low, really low, and rough, and he couldn’t stop the shudder that passed through him at the sound of it.
“Is that what you want? To leave?” It was teasing, and maybe a little scared, he thought, though he could tell Shige fought to stay cool.
He stood, then, and watched Shige’s face turn uncertain, heart clenching at the sight. He moved to stand over Shige and held out his hand, harshly pulling the other man up and against him. “No,” he said, slipping an arm around his waist and wrapping his hand around the back of Shige’s neck to kiss him hard. It was so easy, turning the anger to abandon. The symptoms of the two were so similar - his heart beat fast and erratic, mouth dry, body trembling, stomach fighting its way up to his throat. Just a minor redirection, and when Koyama dragged his tongue across Shige’s lower lip, the younger man groaned, low and guttural, and Koyama involuntarily clenched his hands and bit down with a groan of his own. He backed Shige against the wall with a thud, tangling one hand in Shige’s hair and working the other up under the other man’s shirt to splay against the soft, incredibly warm skin of his stomach.
---
He wasn’t sure. Not sure at all that this was all right. He’d meant to get Koyama worked up enough to fight back. And really, it was easy to forgive himself for the untimely hard-on, but this. Was this all right? His thoughts were a little fuzzy with the way Koyama was kissing him, a little harder, a little more desperately, than he had ever imagined it would be like. He hated to think that he had pushed Koyama into this, into just another way to lose himself to someone else’s whims. A shudder ran through them both when Koyama ran the tips of his fingers over one of Shige’s nipples and Koyama kissed across Shige’s jaw to gently lick at his earlobe before pinching. And then he wasn’t thinking at all.
---
The way Shige arched against him and moaned had Koyama grinding into his hip and he suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Oh god, Shige. This is Shige. His hands scrabbled at the hem of Shige’s shirt before gripping it and quickly pulling it over the other man’s head and dropping it to the floor. He pressed himself fully against Shige, moving his thigh to rub against Shige’s erection as he thoroughly plundered the man’s mouth. He couldn’t get over the feel of Shige’s full bottom lip between his tongue and teeth and when he finally pulled away, it was red and a little swollen. His stomach plummeted at Shige’s half-lidded eyes and open lips and the way the younger man’s chest was heaving.
Koyama gasped at the way Keiichiro slipped from Shige’s lips, breathy and loaded. And when Shige reached out to touch his face, he leaned in to press a soft kiss against his lips before dropping to his knees. He rubbed his cheek languidly over Shige’s erection, the other man making mewling noises above him, and a slow smirk spread across his face at the feel of Shige threading shaky fingers through his hair. He turned to lick along the waistband of Shige’s pants, Shige bucking his hips at the sensation, before moving his hands to undo the belt.
---
“Oh god,” he groaned, as Koyama slowly worked the zipper of his pants down. He couldn’t help the shudder that tightened his fingers in Koyama’s hair in what must have been a painful way, but all that happened was that Koyama practically ripped the zipper down and pulled Shige’s boxers low enough to free his hard-on. Koyama drew a finger up the underside of Shige’s cock before gripping it firmly and jerking it and god it felt so good, so different, that Shige’s head fell back against the sensation, hitting the wall. He could feel warm puffs of breath against his stomach and was completely unprepared for Koyama’s tongue licking delicately against the head of his erection. He forced his heavy head away from the wall to look down just in time to watch Koyama take him in his mouth and look up at him, eyes black. “Kei, god, Kei, that’s so good. Yesyesyes,” dissolved into nonsense. Koyama’s fingers dug into his hips as he held Shige against the wall and Shige couldn’t help but fight the restraint because Koyama’s mouth felt so damn good, soft as silk and hot around him, that he could only want more. He knew he was whimpering and he couldn’t care. Then Koyama’s hands were everywhere - running up his thighs, across his stomach, around to grab his ass, but when one cupped his balls and the other joined Koyama’s mouth around his cock, everything narrowed down to a single focus: utter pleasure shooting up his spine and out his mouth in a long, hoarse cry as he orgasmed.
Koyama worked him through the aftershocks and once he came down, “Shit, Kei, I’m sorry…” but Koyama was already standing, leaning against him and kissing him, slow and thorough. The taste was bitter but he had no desire to pull away, lazily kissing back. Koyama’s hard length pressing against his hip was a heady reminder, though, and he tried to push through the dizzying afterglow as he felt heat coiling again. “Kei,” he whispered against the other man’s lips, “what do you want? Just tell me.”
---
In answer, he stepped away, pulling Shige with him, and padded to the bedroom. Once they were through the bedroom door, Koyama was on Shige, kissing him feverishly while his hands shoved the other man’s pants and boxers down his hips. He was vaguely aware of Shige unbuttoning his shirt and reaching for his belt as he backed him in the general direction of the bed. By the time they reached it and he pushed him down on it, Shige had managed to get Koyama’s shirt off and his pants undone and half off. Shige looked up at him, hair mussed and falling over one eye and Koyama’s heart skipped a beat or three. He quickly finished the job Shige had started and climbed on the bed, settling naked between Shige’s spread knees and hovering over him where he’d lain himself out. Any pilates teacher would have been damned proud of the “dolphin plank” pose Koyama was holding now; no part of them touched except the head of his cock against Shige’s abdomen and the backs of his hands under Shige’s shoulders. He held himself rigid, feeling Shige’s hands run up and down his chest and letting the tension build.
This was definitely what he wanted. And what Shige wanted, that much he could tell from the man’s whined Keiwhatareyoudoing?Whyyyy? And still he waited because what he really wanted would be coming soon. He lowered his head to nudge at Shige’s cheek until he turned it, exposing his neck to Koyama’s lips and tongue and teeth. Shige bucked up against him, hands slipping all over Koyama’s chest to wrap around his back and tug down, murmuring garbled words of admiration. Koyama felt his arms begin to shake and he sincerely hoped his physical strength could outlast Shige’s restraint. He nuzzled Shige’s ear, breathing heavily against it and whispering “Shigeaki” and then Shige’s slurred words became whimpered pleas and that’s what Koyama wanted and he dropped his hips to fit flush against Shige’s and ground down. He cried out at the friction, too long denied, and buried his face in Shige’s neck.
---
Shige slid his hand down Koyama’s shoulders, admiring the feel of the muscles bunching under the skin, and then Koyama rolled his hips in what felt like an excessively obscene way and Shige couldn’t stop himself from gripping Koyama’s ass and thrusting up against him hard. He felt Koyama start to pull away from him and he clung to the other man who gently disengaged his arms before looking at him seriously and with more self-control than anyone in his position had any right to possess.
“Is this really okay?” Koyama asked.
“More than okay. Please, Koyama.”
---
Koyama kissed Shige quickly before standing and going to the third drawer of Shige’s dresser and getting out lube and a condom. He tried not to think about how he knew it was there or the girls in Shige’s life that had required them. Just a moment of indecision, though. It was him right now - just he and Shige and that was all that mattered.
He knelt between Shige’s legs, placing a hand on one of Shige’s knees and gently pushing. Shige drew them up, opening himself to Koyama. He didn’t look at all embarrassed and Koyama couldn’t help but laugh a little elatedly at the absolutely shameless way Shige had his head thrown back, eyes closed against the feeling of Koyama’s slick fingers at his ass. He carefully worked to open Shige, free hand rubbing slowly along his hipbone, watching the rise and fall of Shige’s chest speed up as he went until the man was panting breathlessly, knees wide, as Koyama massaged his prostate. Whatever Shige was saying was almost completely incoherent, a line of mumbled words from which he could only pick out fuck, yes, please, more, Kei, love, god, though it made sense enough to him. He loved being able to do this to Shige - reduce the logical, precise Shige to just slurred words and moans and shaking hands grasping the sheets. But he couldn’t wait anymore and he pulled his fingers out slowly, wiping them on the sheets before opening the condom and rolling it on with trembling fingers as Shige watched him with hooded eyes, breathing hard.
---
The sensation of Koyama pushing gently into him was utterly foreign and for one panicked moment he almost wished he’d never pushed so hard for what Koyama wanted. But then Koyama was slipping past the resistance and, even though it was all a little fumbled and awkward, Koyama biting his lip and looking down at him with wide eyes made it all okay. He couldn’t help but be in awe of the other man whose trembling fingers under his knees made it clear just how difficult being gentle was for him right now. Shige watched Koyama struggle not to close his eyes, to keep them trained on Shige’s. After several slow and gentle thrusts, Shige let himself really relax and smirked at Koyama. “Is this what you want?” he asked, waving his hand vaguely.
Koyama stilled and peered at him, a small wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. “Are you sure?” he asked.
---
At Shige’s nod, Koyama let himself move faster and more forcefully, gripping Shige’s hips and feeling the desperate press of Shige’s fingers against his biceps. He was hyper-aware - of the single drop of sweat trailing down from his temple to his neck, the disparate coolness of it causing a shudder, of Shige’s labored breathing and frantic moans, of how incredibly slick and hot Shige was around him. He reached down to grasp Shige’s cock, pumping it hard and fast in his own mounting ecstasy. Shige’s eyes were screwed shut, his mouth wide open, and a low keening had started in the back of his own throat to match Shige’s. He struggled to sit farther back, desperate to pound harder, faster. But Shige gave up his death grip on Koyama’s arms to grasp his shoulders and pull him low enough to snake his arms around Koyama’s neck. And then his whole body tensed, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou pouring out of his mouth as he came between them. Koyama’s climax hit him hard on the first I love you and he cried out Shige’s name.
---
Long enough after to start shivering from cooling sweat, Shige disentangled himself from Koyama’s long, twining limbs to walk to the bathroom on shaky legs. He took a minute to clean up before wetting a fresh washcloth and bringing it back with him. He cleaned Koyama up and stretched out on the bed, smile wide and content when Koyama wrapped himself around him and nuzzled his cheek.
“So,” Koyama asked, voice lazy, and Shige could practically hear the sly smile, “was that what you wanted?”
Shige tried to sound indignant but in the afterglow it only came out as mildly annoyed. “We were doing what you wanted, remember?”
“I totally did not have the erection first.” And Shige really couldn’t argue that, so he just blushed. Koyama nuzzled his cheek. After a few minutes, “I thought you were straight,” he murmured.
God, Shige thought, I haven’t been this relaxed in ever and struggled through hazy thoughts to reply. “I am,” he said, words a little thick. “I’m just gay for you.” And then Koyama snorted and he realized that he’d actually just said that.
“Oh my god,” Koyama said between guffaws. “I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Their laughter was like 3am-after- a-long-day laughter, a little crazed but all-encompassing and when Koyama just curled himself tighter around Shige and laughed himself silly, Shige thought he’d fallen even more in love. But he kept the sweetest thought to himself - he’d be pretty much anything for Koyama.
Pairing/Group: Koyama/Shige
Rating: NC-17
Words: 4,828
Notes: For yey-yey , posted in je_holiday here. Thanks to my wonderful beta, imifumei without whom I couldn't have done this. Any errors you find now are mine.
Summary: Shige’s tired of Koyama doing what everyone but Koyama wants. Pushing his buttons gets him more than he’d bargained for.
From: Koyama
Come out with me.
Shige read the text with bleary eyes and folded his book over the arm of the couch to reply.
Can it wait until tomorrow? I really need to finish this assignment while it’s still fresh.
He began reading again after a moment when there was no reply. Five minutes later his phone buzzed.
From: Koyama
Don’t make me drink alone, please. It’s pathetic.
“Ehhh?” There was a distinct lack of emoticons, he realized belatedly. He should have guessed from the first message. He cast a forlorn look at his book before texting back a simple Where? and going to change his clothes.
--
The bar was tucked back into a corner of a less-than-respectable neighborhood and Shige wasn’t surprised that the interior was just about as dingy as the street outside. Through the dim light, he was barely able to spot Koyama nestled in a back booth, squeezed tight against the wall, hands wrapped around a mug.
“You’re going to make it warm,” Shige noted, sliding in across from his friend who never met his eyes. Koyama shrugged. “You look tired. What’s wrong?”
“Just talk about something, Shige.”
He studied Koyama’s slumped shoulders, the tight grip of his hands on his glass, his pursed lips, and the small wrinkle between his eyes. “Hmmm.” He knew what this was - Koyama was single again and unhappy about it. Really unhappy. Koyama was usually pretty good about staying optimistic but not tonight.
A worn out waitress shuffled over to ask what he’d have and he just said, “Two of whatever he’s having,” with a nod at Koyama. “And a water.”
He propped his chin in a hand, resting the other on the tabletop. “I took some photos yesterday. There were these kids playing in the park a few blocks from my place. They were wrestling with these dogs that were not much smaller than they were. It was cute.” He rambled on, paying more attention to his miserable friend than to his words.
He stopped mid-sentence after a few minutes when their beers were set down in front of them, some slopping over the edges to pool around the bases. “Why am I talking if you’re not listening?” He grabbed a napkin and wiped both mugs off.
“I just don’t feel like being alone.”
“Takai-san?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmmm.” Shige watched Koyama run a delicate finger around the rim of his mug. “Drink,” he said, and Koyama did, draining the rest of the glass and grimacing. “I told you you’d make it warm.”
“She dumped me. For being too nice.”
Shige waited. Took a long drink.
“I don’t understand!” Koyama moaned, staring into his empty glass. “What do they want?”
Shige moved the fresh beer in front of Koyama who slowly pushed the empty to the edge of the table and wrapped long fingers around the new mug. Shige knew what they wanted. It was what everyone wanted, what he wanted - for the person he loved to love himself enough to voice his wants, his desires rather than just going along with whatever someone else wanted.
Frowning, Shige rested his cheek against a propped up fist and took in Koyama’s distant eyes, pinched lips and wilting frame. Ridiculous, that’s what all of this was - Koyama went through this every time and not just with girls, though, granted, he wasn’t usually this put out about it. He fought a small mental battle with himself then squared his shoulders and sat up straight. “Maybe you are,” he clipped out, looking at Koyama intently.
Then Koyama looked up at him. “What?”
He wanted to take it back, really, because Koyama’s eyes were filled with hurt and a hint of betrayal, but he couldn’t because he’d seen something in Koyama’s eyes, at first - a spark of fight. And if there was anything Koyama needed, it was a little fight and a lot of backbone.
“Too nice.” Shige held his gaze and watched as Koyama’s brows knit together. “Drink,” he said brusquely and caught the waitress’s eye to motion for the bill. If this had been a friendly get-together, Shige would be cheering Koyama on with how fast he chugged his beer.
Setting the mug on the table, he wiped his lips with the back of his hand. “Girls always talk about how they want nice guys, Shige. I’m a nice guy. I don’t understand.” He blinked slowly as he watched Shige slide the glass of water in front of him.
“You said that.” Shige watched Koyama narrow his eyes and clench his jaw. When he opened his mouth, Shige nudged the water toward him. “Drink.”
Koyama’s nostrils flared but he drank it anyway, clunking the empty glass down on the table hard enough to shake it. Shige clicked his tongue in irritation and spoke over whatever Koyama started to say. “Go to the bathroom. We’re leaving.” He abruptly stood and walked to the front, not even waiting to see if Koyama would do as he said. He paid the bill and waited, drumming nervous fingertips against the wall until Koyama sidled up to him, a little flushed, though Shige wasn’t sure if it was from the alcohol or embarrassment. “We’re going home.”
“Now?”
“You don’t want to?”
“Well…”
Shige waited but all he got was averted eyes and a frown. “Then we’re going.”
Koyama shuffled along beside him and Shige’s mind furiously tried to think ahead. What was he doing? Where was he going with this? He shook his head a little. If it worked, it was more than worth it.
“Did you ever tell her no, Koyama?” he asked his friend as they got on the train.
“What kind of question is that?”
“You never say no. I can see how she might have been frustrated. Maybe she thought you didn’t really care. Always saying ‘yes’ sometimes seems like you’re taking the easy way out.” Shige liked to think he was just talking about Koyama’s latest ex.
Koyama huffed beside him. “It’s not easy.”
“But it makes you seem easy… Boring.” He flicked his eyes to the side just in time to see his friend jerk and glare.
“Shige’s not being very supportive,” Koyama said morosely. “Maybe I’m glad I’m going home.”
“You’re not.”
“What?”
“You’re coming to my place.” He watched a flash cross Koyama’s eyes and then fade behind a sullen frown which made Shige scowl. Koyama was not making this easy.
“Shige…” he knew the tone - it was Koyama’s way of saying he didn’t like what was going on. But it wasn’t enough, not tonight.
“What?” Koyama didn’t say anything. “Come on then.” Resignation on both ends. Behind him, Koyama dragged his feet as they got off at Shige’s stop.
Shadow and silence surrounded them as they made their way to Shige’s apartment and didn’t let up until Shige opened his door, flicked the light switch on and muttered “I’m home” to no one in particular. He kicked his shoes off and walked straight to his fridge to pull out two teas, a brand he knew Koyama hated. The tall man was still standing awkwardly in the genkan and Shige pressed one into his hand. “Drink it.” He twisted the cap off of his own and watched Koyama do the same, his movements stiff. “What’s wrong?” he asked, with a twist to his lips. Koyama just brought the bottle to his mouth and tipped his head back while Shige watched, unsmiling.
He gripped his tea hard and fought against the roiling of his stomach. “I know you’re not the smartest person in the world, but I’d thought you’d have learned by now. This is the third girl to dump you for the same thing. You’re an idiot.” Shige watched Koyama squeeze the bottle tight enough to crumple the sides in and he took it from him harshly, capping and placing both bottles on the floor a couple feet away. “You need to learn to say what you want. Are you unhappy right now?” He stepped close, probably too close, he thought, but he couldn’t help it, and fisted a hand in Koyama’s shirt. The older man set his jaw and looked away, hands resting limply along his sides, and Shige gripped harder to pull him away from the wall just far enough that he could shove him back against it. Frustration gripped him harder than the hold he had on Koyama. “What! Tell me what you want!” He could see the struggle on his friend’s face.
“Why are you doing this?” Koyama whispered, eyes full of hurt and burning into his own and Shige wanted nothing more than to wrap both arms around him to take the sting out. But then they would be back to square one and Shige never wanted to have to go through this again.
“The question is, ‘why aren’t you?’ Aren’t you angry? Don’t lie to me.” And he shoved Koyama against the wall again, harder.
“Why are you angry, Shige? What did I do?” His lower lip trembled.
“Don’t!” he shouted and then sucked his bottom lip between his teeth, worrying it. “What the hell, Koyama? Do you like it when people push you around? I hate watching it,” and his voice dripped with disdain. His grip on Koyama’s shirt tightened as he spoke and his other hand moved up to join in. He tried to ignore the way it felt to be almost pressed up against Koyama, tried not to press the line of his right leg up to his hip against him, but failed. They were both breathing hard and it was difficult not to focus on the blush rising from Koyama’s chest to spread across his cheeks. Koyama blinked and slowly brought his hands up to grip Shige’s and the touch was enough to break him out of the moment. Shige stepped back and slammed him hard against the wall again and Koyama’s hands shot out to connect with Shige’s shoulders, shoving him back.
“Stop it!” he yelled, and hooked his leg around Shige’s, yanking it back and dropping them both to the floor. Shige’s head hit the step and he cursed loudly and rolled Koyama under him, trying to restrain the older man. But now that he’d started, Koyama’s instincts took over and they fought, shouts ringing off the walls, scraping nails against flesh, punching, kicking and grappling until Koyama was on top, hands on Shige’s chest, long legs straddling his friend’s hips, and faces inches apart. There was nothing but silence and heaving chests until Koyama sat up a little and breathed, “What the fuck, Shige,” shoving him hard against the ground. The younger man curled his fingers loosely around Koyama’s wrists and licked his lips.
“Are you angry with me, Koyama?” he tried to say but his voice was hoarse and it broke into a whisper.
“Yes,” he hissed and watched Shige’s lips curl into an infuriating smirk.
“Good.” He tightened his grip on Koyama’s wrists. “Do you want to go home?”
“No,” he said slowly. “I want to punch you for being an asshole.”
“So do it.” He let go of Koyama’s right wrist. “Just not in the face.” And he didn’t look at all surprised when Koyama sat up, cocked back his fist and punched him hard in the chest. Wincing, he said, “I was kind of hoping you’d hit like you’ve been acting - like a girl,” and Koyama scowled.
“I haven’t been acting like a girl.” His voice was petulant. “You talk big for someone who just sat back and let me punch him.” He pulled away a little to watch Shige’s face.
“And tell me, Koyama,” and his voice was a slow, infuriating drawl, “how that’s any different from what you let everyone do, every day?” Koyama’s mouth opened and closed and Shige thought he might see some understanding dawning on his friend. “I’m tired of watching everyone take advantage of you. It’s hard watching you lose yourself to everyone else’s whims. You do it with me, too,” he slid his eyes to the side and mumbled, “and it hurts. To be just like anyone else to you.”
“You’re not just like everyone else to me,” Koyama said, eyes wide. “You’re my best friend.”
Shige could feel real anger clawing at him. “And you let me make you do all those things! You let me order you around like your opinion didn’t matter, let me make you do something you didn’t want, let me push you! Why?”
“I … don’t want to inconvenience anyone.” He jerked at the sound Shige made, like a hiss in the back of his throat.
“I want you to be you. How can I know who you are, if you won’t let me know?” He winced at how raw his voice sounded. He tried, again, to ignore the way it felt, Koyama’s hands flat against his chest, his own hand wrapped around Koyama’s wrist like Koyama’s knees around his hips. He focused, instead, on Koyama’s face and the emotions he watched flit across it, knowing exactly what the man was thinking - confusion (they were best friends, after all - what was Shige saying?), anger (that Shige could possibly insinuate that he didn’t know Koyama), shame (for himself because maybe he did allow himself to be swayed by the whims of other people) and finally acceptance (because it was, after all, all true).
Koyama leaned back, then, free hand rising to push his hair out of his face, and his quiet “I’m sorr-“ died on his lips when Shige shifted and he could feel that his friend was hard underneath him. His eyelids stuttered in shock and he looked down at the younger man to take in his parted lips and hooded eyes.
Shige could feel his blush deepen and he let his eyes slide to the side before rising up to lean on his elbows. “No, I’m sorry. I just. I just get tired of watching it all happen and how crushed you get sometimes. And I just want you to do what you want to do for once, without compromise. And. And look,” he said, getting more self-conscious and flustered, “could you please get off me? This is embarrassing.” And he half sat up and pushed lightly at Koyama’s chest. When Koyama remained silent and didn’t move, he looked up to see an honest-to-goodness unfathomable look in his friend’s eyes which just made him more uncomfortable and actually a little worried.
“I thought we were doing what I wanted, now,” Koyama said, voice low.
And then Shige realized the look wasn’t unfathomable, it was just foreign, and his jaw dropped. “K-Koyama?” And then Koyama was fisting both hands in his shirt and leaning down to kiss him.
---
Koyama had been shocked, to say the least, when he’d felt Shige’s erection pressing up against him. It’s not like he’d never thought of his friend that way - they’d been draped over each other in compromising positions often enough that it would have been insane not to. But he’d thought Shige was straight. And, at present, that assumption left him somewhat confused. But then he thought about what Shige had been doing all night, what he’d been trying to prove and thought, Maybe it is time for what I want, and so he kissed him.
When Shige didn’t respond, he pulled back quickly, scrambling back off Shige until he hit the door, his knees and shins pressed against the floor. “I’m sorry,” he said, horrified at himself. “I thought. Never mind.” And he started to stand but Shige’s voice stopped him. It was low, really low, and rough, and he couldn’t stop the shudder that passed through him at the sound of it.
“Is that what you want? To leave?” It was teasing, and maybe a little scared, he thought, though he could tell Shige fought to stay cool.
He stood, then, and watched Shige’s face turn uncertain, heart clenching at the sight. He moved to stand over Shige and held out his hand, harshly pulling the other man up and against him. “No,” he said, slipping an arm around his waist and wrapping his hand around the back of Shige’s neck to kiss him hard. It was so easy, turning the anger to abandon. The symptoms of the two were so similar - his heart beat fast and erratic, mouth dry, body trembling, stomach fighting its way up to his throat. Just a minor redirection, and when Koyama dragged his tongue across Shige’s lower lip, the younger man groaned, low and guttural, and Koyama involuntarily clenched his hands and bit down with a groan of his own. He backed Shige against the wall with a thud, tangling one hand in Shige’s hair and working the other up under the other man’s shirt to splay against the soft, incredibly warm skin of his stomach.
---
He wasn’t sure. Not sure at all that this was all right. He’d meant to get Koyama worked up enough to fight back. And really, it was easy to forgive himself for the untimely hard-on, but this. Was this all right? His thoughts were a little fuzzy with the way Koyama was kissing him, a little harder, a little more desperately, than he had ever imagined it would be like. He hated to think that he had pushed Koyama into this, into just another way to lose himself to someone else’s whims. A shudder ran through them both when Koyama ran the tips of his fingers over one of Shige’s nipples and Koyama kissed across Shige’s jaw to gently lick at his earlobe before pinching. And then he wasn’t thinking at all.
---
The way Shige arched against him and moaned had Koyama grinding into his hip and he suddenly found it difficult to breathe. Oh god, Shige. This is Shige. His hands scrabbled at the hem of Shige’s shirt before gripping it and quickly pulling it over the other man’s head and dropping it to the floor. He pressed himself fully against Shige, moving his thigh to rub against Shige’s erection as he thoroughly plundered the man’s mouth. He couldn’t get over the feel of Shige’s full bottom lip between his tongue and teeth and when he finally pulled away, it was red and a little swollen. His stomach plummeted at Shige’s half-lidded eyes and open lips and the way the younger man’s chest was heaving.
Koyama gasped at the way Keiichiro slipped from Shige’s lips, breathy and loaded. And when Shige reached out to touch his face, he leaned in to press a soft kiss against his lips before dropping to his knees. He rubbed his cheek languidly over Shige’s erection, the other man making mewling noises above him, and a slow smirk spread across his face at the feel of Shige threading shaky fingers through his hair. He turned to lick along the waistband of Shige’s pants, Shige bucking his hips at the sensation, before moving his hands to undo the belt.
---
“Oh god,” he groaned, as Koyama slowly worked the zipper of his pants down. He couldn’t help the shudder that tightened his fingers in Koyama’s hair in what must have been a painful way, but all that happened was that Koyama practically ripped the zipper down and pulled Shige’s boxers low enough to free his hard-on. Koyama drew a finger up the underside of Shige’s cock before gripping it firmly and jerking it and god it felt so good, so different, that Shige’s head fell back against the sensation, hitting the wall. He could feel warm puffs of breath against his stomach and was completely unprepared for Koyama’s tongue licking delicately against the head of his erection. He forced his heavy head away from the wall to look down just in time to watch Koyama take him in his mouth and look up at him, eyes black. “Kei, god, Kei, that’s so good. Yesyesyes,” dissolved into nonsense. Koyama’s fingers dug into his hips as he held Shige against the wall and Shige couldn’t help but fight the restraint because Koyama’s mouth felt so damn good, soft as silk and hot around him, that he could only want more. He knew he was whimpering and he couldn’t care. Then Koyama’s hands were everywhere - running up his thighs, across his stomach, around to grab his ass, but when one cupped his balls and the other joined Koyama’s mouth around his cock, everything narrowed down to a single focus: utter pleasure shooting up his spine and out his mouth in a long, hoarse cry as he orgasmed.
Koyama worked him through the aftershocks and once he came down, “Shit, Kei, I’m sorry…” but Koyama was already standing, leaning against him and kissing him, slow and thorough. The taste was bitter but he had no desire to pull away, lazily kissing back. Koyama’s hard length pressing against his hip was a heady reminder, though, and he tried to push through the dizzying afterglow as he felt heat coiling again. “Kei,” he whispered against the other man’s lips, “what do you want? Just tell me.”
---
In answer, he stepped away, pulling Shige with him, and padded to the bedroom. Once they were through the bedroom door, Koyama was on Shige, kissing him feverishly while his hands shoved the other man’s pants and boxers down his hips. He was vaguely aware of Shige unbuttoning his shirt and reaching for his belt as he backed him in the general direction of the bed. By the time they reached it and he pushed him down on it, Shige had managed to get Koyama’s shirt off and his pants undone and half off. Shige looked up at him, hair mussed and falling over one eye and Koyama’s heart skipped a beat or three. He quickly finished the job Shige had started and climbed on the bed, settling naked between Shige’s spread knees and hovering over him where he’d lain himself out. Any pilates teacher would have been damned proud of the “dolphin plank” pose Koyama was holding now; no part of them touched except the head of his cock against Shige’s abdomen and the backs of his hands under Shige’s shoulders. He held himself rigid, feeling Shige’s hands run up and down his chest and letting the tension build.
This was definitely what he wanted. And what Shige wanted, that much he could tell from the man’s whined Keiwhatareyoudoing?Whyyyy? And still he waited because what he really wanted would be coming soon. He lowered his head to nudge at Shige’s cheek until he turned it, exposing his neck to Koyama’s lips and tongue and teeth. Shige bucked up against him, hands slipping all over Koyama’s chest to wrap around his back and tug down, murmuring garbled words of admiration. Koyama felt his arms begin to shake and he sincerely hoped his physical strength could outlast Shige’s restraint. He nuzzled Shige’s ear, breathing heavily against it and whispering “Shigeaki” and then Shige’s slurred words became whimpered pleas and that’s what Koyama wanted and he dropped his hips to fit flush against Shige’s and ground down. He cried out at the friction, too long denied, and buried his face in Shige’s neck.
---
Shige slid his hand down Koyama’s shoulders, admiring the feel of the muscles bunching under the skin, and then Koyama rolled his hips in what felt like an excessively obscene way and Shige couldn’t stop himself from gripping Koyama’s ass and thrusting up against him hard. He felt Koyama start to pull away from him and he clung to the other man who gently disengaged his arms before looking at him seriously and with more self-control than anyone in his position had any right to possess.
“Is this really okay?” Koyama asked.
“More than okay. Please, Koyama.”
---
Koyama kissed Shige quickly before standing and going to the third drawer of Shige’s dresser and getting out lube and a condom. He tried not to think about how he knew it was there or the girls in Shige’s life that had required them. Just a moment of indecision, though. It was him right now - just he and Shige and that was all that mattered.
He knelt between Shige’s legs, placing a hand on one of Shige’s knees and gently pushing. Shige drew them up, opening himself to Koyama. He didn’t look at all embarrassed and Koyama couldn’t help but laugh a little elatedly at the absolutely shameless way Shige had his head thrown back, eyes closed against the feeling of Koyama’s slick fingers at his ass. He carefully worked to open Shige, free hand rubbing slowly along his hipbone, watching the rise and fall of Shige’s chest speed up as he went until the man was panting breathlessly, knees wide, as Koyama massaged his prostate. Whatever Shige was saying was almost completely incoherent, a line of mumbled words from which he could only pick out fuck, yes, please, more, Kei, love, god, though it made sense enough to him. He loved being able to do this to Shige - reduce the logical, precise Shige to just slurred words and moans and shaking hands grasping the sheets. But he couldn’t wait anymore and he pulled his fingers out slowly, wiping them on the sheets before opening the condom and rolling it on with trembling fingers as Shige watched him with hooded eyes, breathing hard.
---
The sensation of Koyama pushing gently into him was utterly foreign and for one panicked moment he almost wished he’d never pushed so hard for what Koyama wanted. But then Koyama was slipping past the resistance and, even though it was all a little fumbled and awkward, Koyama biting his lip and looking down at him with wide eyes made it all okay. He couldn’t help but be in awe of the other man whose trembling fingers under his knees made it clear just how difficult being gentle was for him right now. Shige watched Koyama struggle not to close his eyes, to keep them trained on Shige’s. After several slow and gentle thrusts, Shige let himself really relax and smirked at Koyama. “Is this what you want?” he asked, waving his hand vaguely.
Koyama stilled and peered at him, a small wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. “Are you sure?” he asked.
---
At Shige’s nod, Koyama let himself move faster and more forcefully, gripping Shige’s hips and feeling the desperate press of Shige’s fingers against his biceps. He was hyper-aware - of the single drop of sweat trailing down from his temple to his neck, the disparate coolness of it causing a shudder, of Shige’s labored breathing and frantic moans, of how incredibly slick and hot Shige was around him. He reached down to grasp Shige’s cock, pumping it hard and fast in his own mounting ecstasy. Shige’s eyes were screwed shut, his mouth wide open, and a low keening had started in the back of his own throat to match Shige’s. He struggled to sit farther back, desperate to pound harder, faster. But Shige gave up his death grip on Koyama’s arms to grasp his shoulders and pull him low enough to snake his arms around Koyama’s neck. And then his whole body tensed, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou pouring out of his mouth as he came between them. Koyama’s climax hit him hard on the first I love you and he cried out Shige’s name.
---
Long enough after to start shivering from cooling sweat, Shige disentangled himself from Koyama’s long, twining limbs to walk to the bathroom on shaky legs. He took a minute to clean up before wetting a fresh washcloth and bringing it back with him. He cleaned Koyama up and stretched out on the bed, smile wide and content when Koyama wrapped himself around him and nuzzled his cheek.
“So,” Koyama asked, voice lazy, and Shige could practically hear the sly smile, “was that what you wanted?”
Shige tried to sound indignant but in the afterglow it only came out as mildly annoyed. “We were doing what you wanted, remember?”
“I totally did not have the erection first.” And Shige really couldn’t argue that, so he just blushed. Koyama nuzzled his cheek. After a few minutes, “I thought you were straight,” he murmured.
God, Shige thought, I haven’t been this relaxed in ever and struggled through hazy thoughts to reply. “I am,” he said, words a little thick. “I’m just gay for you.” And then Koyama snorted and he realized that he’d actually just said that.
“Oh my god,” Koyama said between guffaws. “I think that’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.” Their laughter was like 3am-after- a-long-day laughter, a little crazed but all-encompassing and when Koyama just curled himself tighter around Shige and laughed himself silly, Shige thought he’d fallen even more in love. But he kept the sweetest thought to himself - he’d be pretty much anything for Koyama.