For Billy
Today is the 3 year marker of the passing of my dear friend, Billy Misik. 3 years ago today the world lost its' hero, an advocate for the arts, and the best person I had ever known.
In the years that have passed since Billy left us, I have tried to live with his 'Carpe Diem' spirit. I was doing OK until last year, when it all fell apart with the loss of both of my grandmothers within 2 months of each other. This past year has been a difficult one and seems to be frozen in time. I haven't grown or propered over the last year and my acting has fallen by the wayside.
In this respect, I have failed Billy. I threw a pity party for myself and let myself soak it in. Billy never did that. Even when he was truly suffering and could barely walk or put sentences together, he never complained. Ever. He was simply grateful to still be alive and knew he was on borrowed time. I wish I could be more like him and not take for granted that life will be there tomorrow when I open my eyes. Billy never had that luxury. His cancer was an agressive, hideos beast that that robbed all of us of more time with a truly beautiful man.
10 days after Billy passed I had a mini breakdown. I'm not sure if I documented it here or not. Billy, I realized, was only 10 days older than me. A week and a half after he was gone, the realization that we were the exact same age for that one day hit me hard and I absolutely freaked out. I couldn't imagine going through what Billy had gone through. I couldn't imagine having cancer, or being so optimistic in the face of adversity. I couldn't imagine not seeing what tomorrow looked like, or even knowing that today might be it. Carpe Diem. I couldn't imagine the life my Billy had led that had brought him to that point. I just couldn't comprehend any of it. Billy was just a phone call away. I'd call him from New York (he was from Chicago), or from a Yankee game, or just because. He was always just 10 digits away... 10. 10 digits. 10 days. It was too much for me. It still is.
So today, as Billy's headshot and Carpe Diem scarf (gifts from his mother that I absolutely cherish) sit on my desk looking at me, I remember my friend in happier times. Whether we were cramming for Voice and Diction, or hanging out at my now ex bf's house for dinner or the Super Bowl, I think of my friend's heart and dedication to living. It is a spirit that I'll never know.
I miss you, Billy. You are the best person I ever met. Your heart was enormous and the world just isn't as bright without you here. I think of you each and every day and, still, I simply cannot believe that you are gone.
"Don't go!"
"Billy, I have to. I can't hear. Can I call you tomorrow?"
"Wait. (pause) I love you"
"I love you too, Billy."