SGA: Certain People Got a God Complex
This fic is ridiculously late for this challenge, I know.
For svmadelyn's Cuff 'Em, Vamp 'Em, or Just Make 'Em Come Already Kink and Cliché Multi-Fandom Challenge I was given: Bad guys (or, well, anyone) force our Intrepid Hero (or, um, villain) to fess up to feelings for Guy B.
Title: Certain People Got a God Complex [AO3]
Word count: ~17,500 words
Spoilers: Up through and including 3x20 First Strike.
Warnings: This fic does not have anything in it that requires a warning. Hopefully.
Summary: An old friend needs McKay's expertise, so he takes Sheppard as collateral. Getting Sheppard back may prove to be harder than expected when McKay realizes they're dealing with a lunatic. McKay/Sheppard.
Podfic by pennyplainknits can be found here!
*
"I believe I have found us a fully-functioning ZPM," Teyla said.
In retrospect, her words should have been the first sign something was wrong. Not because Teyla was untrustworthy, or because John didn't think she could really find them a ZPM, but because things didn't really fall into their laps like that, not without something bad happening. They found an advanced civilization; it was full of human-form Replicators. They found an Ancient ship; the entire crew (plus Wraith) was in statis. They found an Ancient weapon outpost; it had the potential for tearing a hole in the space-time continuum. It was almost like the Ancients had wanted to trip them up.
John wasn't suspicious, though, because he was distracted by Rodney jumping on him the instant he walked into the briefing room: "Kusangi found some of the whales living off the mainland, I thought you might want to go check it out later? Maybe my friend will be there."
He looked so eager that John would have to be a jerk to say no. Besides, he liked whale watching with Rodney; it was relaxing, and Rodney was good company. So John said, "Sure," as he headed for his usual seat. Rodney followed at his heels.
"Excellent," said Rodney. He looked happy, and John bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning. "It's a date. Not a date-date, just a friendly get-together between two single men, that is in no way romantic or sexual in nature." Rodney paused, then added desperately, "Oh look, everyone's here."
So when Teyla made her announcement, John was busy wondering what the hell was wrong with Rodney. Of course, he'd been asking that question for three years and hadn't come up with an answer yet.
"Hold on, did you say a ZPM?" John asked, finally realizing what this meeting was about. "They'll let us just waltz in and take it?"
Teyla nodded. "Yes. However, there is one problem. The world on which the ZPM lies is very... conservative." She looked kind of uneasy. Or she really had to pee; John never could tell with her. "They have very... traditional values, and do not like... certain groups of people."
Elizabeth's brows knitted together in a way that told John she completely understood what Teyla meant. He hoped he wasn't the only one lost here. It'd be really embarrassing when he got through the gate and had no idea what was supposed to come next. The last time he'd done that -- after daydreaming during one of Rodney's long explanations about some Ancient thing that was really important and would help him do blah blah Ancient technology blah, whatever, John didn't need to know how it worked, just that it did -- his team had ended up walking into the middle of a civil war. Which they'd realized when both sides had stopped their battle in order to chase them back to the stargate. John had been on worse missions, sure, but he really didn't want to be hounded by three hundred guys on Segways equipped with rocket launchers. Again.
"Teyla, are you saying what I think you're saying...?" Elizabeth trailed off.
"Yes," Teyla said gravely, "they have banned both musical theatre and tight pants."
"Then it's a good thing my pants are already loose," John said, throwing Rodney a smirk.
Rodney slowly looked up from his tablet to stare at him. Elizabeth rolled her eyes towards the ceiling.
Teyla studied John for a long moment, then, as if deciding something, turned back to Elizabeth. "Perhaps I should take Major Lorne's team. Since..."
"Since what?" John asked.
They both ignored him. "That might be a good idea," Elizabeth said.
"Wait, wait," Rodney cut in. He held up a hand. "Seriously? I didn't think people in this galaxy felt that way. I thought you were all about how important it is to live life to the fullest before you're sucked dry -- very painfully, might I add -- by a Wraith."
Ronon swiveled his chair to make a face at Rodney. John leaned forward a little just to make it easier for the big guy. "Have I ever said anything like that to you?"
"You tell me to calm down a lot," Rodney pointed out.
"Hey, we can do this," John said to Teyla. He leaned back again and flashed a smile at Elizabeth. "It won't kill us to pretend to be 'traditional' and 'conservative' for a few hours, right, guys?"
Ronon snorted. "Maybe McKay and I can," he muttered, almost too quiet for John to hear.
"I know I say this all the time, so it's probably lost all meaning by now, but we are so going to die," Rodney said.
"John, if you're sure," Elizabeth said, sounding uncomfortable.
"Yeah, I'm sure," he replied sharply. He was getting irritated at everyone's assumption he'd screw this up. He didn't screw up nearly as much as Rodney did when it came to making new friends, but no one was questioning him. "We'll go in, play nice, grab the ZPM, and be back in time for dinner."
Teyla reached across the table to grip John's hand. "I should also point out they have banned styling products."
"Going to die," Rodney repeated, sing-song.
*
"What's this planet called again?" John asked, while the team waited for Rodney to finish yelling at Sergeant Campbell and join them. It was the usual pre-mission chaos. ("No, this goes here, and that one goes there," Rodney was saying. "Are you a complete imbecile or did they teach you how to blow up Ancient tech at RMC?" "Oh, is that why there was a post-it stuck to it with 'do not remove' written on it?" Campbell asked sarcastically, and Rodney sputtered.)
Teyla tore her gaze away from Ronon twirling his gun -- What a show off, John thought -- to give John an impatient look. He had a feeling she'd said the name enough times for him to remember it by now. "Eternia."
"Eternia?" John asked.
"Eternia," Teyla said.
John was still trying to wrap his mind around that when Rodney came bumbling down the stairs, carrying his tablet under his arm. "I swear to God I can't leave these people alone for a second," he complained. "Anytime I step offworld it's, 'I can't get the DHD to work, Dr McKay,' 'I don't understand what these results mean, Dr McKay,' 'I pushed the wrong button and now the city's come to life and is using the ventilation tubes to choke us to death, Dr McKay.'"
John rolled his eyes. "We know, we'd all be--"
"Dead without me? How nice of you to notice my incredibly hefty responsibility for the lives of everyone in the city, including yourself, Colonel."
"You only tell us that every day," said John.
Rodney bristled. "I do not."
"You told me this morning at breakfast I'd better give you the last muffin because later you might be too hungry to save my life," Ronon said dryly, coming up to stand beside John.
"Yes, well," Rodney sniffed, "it was blueberry. You know they're my favourite."
John shared a smirk with Ronon. Behind him, the gate whooshed as it activated. He waved goodbye at Elizabeth before turning back to his team; Elizabeth made a strange gesture back at him. "Ready to head to Castle Greyskull on planet Eternia, Dr McKay?" he asked.
"Yeah, I can't call it that," Rodney said.
"I do not see why that name is so funny," Teyla said.
John was about to walk through the event horizon when Elizabeth suddenly rushed down the steps, looking peeved. "John," she called, "I was trying to tell you something earlier."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," he said, "don't trade any weapons, don't make any new enemies, don't hit on any women."
"Actually, I was going to say that maybe you should let Ronon and Teyla do the talking on this one."
John didn't know what to say to that. Teyla, he understood, but Ronon? Really? "Why?" he asked apprehensively.
Elizabeth crossed her arms over her chest and raised her chin. He was getting the feeling she was embarrassed for some reason. "I think given how their society idealizes masculinity, Ronon would be the best choice to--"
"Hey, I'm very manly," John interrupted. He was starting to get angry here. What, did a guy have to be as built as Ronon to go to a world where they'd banned tight pants? "I am so manly. Killed-things-with-my-bare-hands manly."
He caught McKay's exaggerated grimace of the corner of his eye. Pissed, John whirled on his teammates; all three of them quickly dropped whatever faces they were making.
"Yes, we get it," Rodney said to him, sounding irritated. He used his hands to outline something that might've been John's body. "You have a big gun and you're tall and lean and have an ass that just won't quit. We know."
John frowned. "I have a what?"
"I can talk for everyone," Ronon cut in. John glared. Ronon added, "If it comes to that."
Elizabeth took a deep breath. "John, no one is questioning your manliness."
He wasn't mollified. It was like everyone knew something he didn't. "Yeah?" he demanded. "Then what are you questioning?"
Elizabeth and Teyla glanced at each other. "That's not important," Elizabeth said. "What's important is getting out of this mission without causing an interplanetary incident. If the people of Eternia -- John, Rodney, stop snickering -- won't let us have the ZPM, don't push it. We're doing perfectly fine with the one we have now."
This time it was Rodney's turn to squeak, "What?"
John nodded at her. "You got it," he said. But he knew if the people of Eternia weren't using their ZPM, and there was a chance they could get it without anyone getting hurt, his team was making a break for it. He'd had enough Replicator attacks to last him a lifetime, and who knew what Rodney could do with two ZPMs at his disposal. Having a shield that lasted more than a day or two would make up for Elizabeth being angry with him.
Elizabeth pressed her lips into a thin line. "Be safe," she said, backing up.
John turned back to the still-open gate. Teyla stepped up beside him. "John," she said quietly, "please behave less... friendly towards the inhabitants of this world than you would under normal circumstances. This is very important."
"Why does everyone on this planet sound like a jerk?" John asked, but his words were swallowed up by the wormhole.
The world on the other side was completely flat. Brown and green plains stretched for miles and miles, disappearing into the blue horizon. Within a few yards of the gate was a village consisting of wood buildings with wide porches and swinging doors. Something that looked like a zebra was tied to a stake in front of what was probably, from the looks of things, a saloon. Aside from the stone monuments in the near distance, and the very alien print on the windows of the shops, it looked as if they'd stepped into an old Spaghetti Western. A few of the people on the street paused to stare at them. Well, they'd been to plenty of Medieval worlds, and even a couple of Blade Runner worlds; it was only a matter of time before they'd find a cowboy world.
"This is so not what I was expecting from a planet named 'Eternia,'" Rodney said, sounding disappointed.
"Maybe we're in the Plains of Perpitua," said John.
"How do you know so much about He-Man?" Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. "Hold on, half-naked warriors with bulging muscles and swords? Why do I even ask."
Ronon looked at John over Rodney's head. "Big swords?"
"We'll watch some when we get back, buddy," John promised, slipping on his sunglasses.
Rodney pulled out the life signs detector. "I'm not reading any energy sources here. Teyla, you're sure your contacts meant this planet?"
"Yes, they were very specific," she replied.
A group of men exited from the saloon-like building and headed towards John's team. They didn't look particularly angry or menacing, but John gave Teyla and Ronon the signal to get ready. In his experience, it was always the nicest-looking aliens who were the most deadly. While the locals may or may not have been dangerous, there was one thing for sure: they looked a lot like lumberjacks, with their flannel shirts, suspenders, and worn boots. John was kind of disappointed they weren't cowboys instead.
"Hey, look, Rodney, here come some of your people," he said.
Rodney scowled at him. "We didn't exactly have a lot of lumberjacks in Windsor, I'll have you know."
The group stopped in front of John's team. They didn't seem to be reaching for any weapons. One of the men, however, was staring at John's hair with a poisonous look on his face. His own hair was flat and frizzy; he must've been jealous. It wasn't John's fault they'd banned gel on Eternia.
"Hey," John said, stepping forward confidently. He gave the man his most charming grin.
"Stop that," Rodney hissed, "are you trying to get us killed?"
"I'm not doing anything," John muttered back, annoyed. To the locals, he called, "We're visitors. We don't mean any harm. Can we talk to whomever's in charge here?"
The men exchanged glances with each other, but remained silent. John shared a glance of his own with Teyla, finally getting why she'd told him to lay low: "Conservative and traditional" was code for "xenophobic and deadly." He continued smiling as he adjusted his grip on his P-90.
Ronon shouldered his way to the front of their group, one hand on his holstered gun. "We need to see your leader," he said roughly.
Like most people, they seemed to cower beneath Ronon's hugeness. Okay, maybe Elizabeth had been right about Ronon being the one to do all the talking. "The Master of the Universe is this way," said one of them.
John barely managed in time to turn his laugh into a cough. Rodney made a choked off sound of his own. "Oh my God, we really are on Eternia," Rodney said gleefully.
"Thank you," Teyla said serenely, completely ignoring the both of them. "Would it be too much trouble if you were to lead us to him?"
"Follow me, please," the man replied, giving Teyla a serene smile of his own. John rolled his eyes.
They trailed behind the native as he pointed out the various sites to Teyla: the saloon, the general store, the zebra veternarian. John stopped paying attention to the conversation and focused on the scenery instead; people were peeking at them from behind windows or around corners, but he didn't see any signs of weapons. Their guide didn't seem to be carrying anything either, from what John could see. Ronon would probably be able to tell if he had something stashed away, though. John kept smiling and nodding whenever Teyla or the man glanced over at him, and suddenly the guy was saying something to him and he didn't know what it was.
He glanced at Rodney for support; Rodney made a face that John interpreted as, 'You think I was paying attention?'
"I'm Elon," said the man.
He punched John in the shoulder. Hard. So hard, in fact, that John's back went stick-straight as he tried not to double over in pain.
"Uuugh," John replied. "I mean, hey there." He tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. He'd been thinking this guy was kind of hot, but now he was totally taking that back.
"Welcome to Eternia," Elon added pleasantly.
"I'm Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, this is Rodney and Ronon, and I guess you've met Teyla," he managed, hoping no one else heard the strangled tone in his voice. He punched Elon's shoulder in return, with as much force as he could muster; Elon didn't even looked fazed. Just what he needed, a planet full of people with Ronon's stamina. He really didn't want to have to go back to Atlantis and explain he got beaten up by a lumberjack.
"Is that how you greet each other here?" Rodney asked worriedly, backing away before Elon could punch him too.
"How do you greet each other on your world?" Elon asked, looking puzzled.
"They shake hands," Ronon said. "This makes way more sense to me."
"You mean you touch each other? In such a vulnerable spot?" Elon sounded appalled.
"Are you okay?" Teyla asked John quietly, gently touching his uninjured shoulder. The other shoulder hurt like a bitch. It hurt way more now than when Teyla and Ronon beat him up. and they were by far the strongest people he'd ever met.
"Never better," he said weakly. "This is nothing."
The tour continued; as they made their way to wherever it was Elon was leading them, they came across a man in a Medieval pillory, stuck between two buildings. His head hung low, and his hands were pink from being locked in place for so long. It looked really out of place for a village set in the Old West.
"What did he do?" Rodney asked, pointing. "I don't want to get chained up like that."
Elon shook his head. "He did something unbecoming of an Eternian. He cried. In public."
"He cried," Rodney repeated flatly.
"In public," John reminded him, bumping his uninjured shoulders against Rodney's.
"Yeah, and just because his father died," said Elon. "Can you believe it?"
"What a pussy," Ronon said dryly. There was a sound behind John like flesh hitting flesh, and Ronon "oomph"-ed; John glanced over his shoulder to see Teyla glaring and Ronon sheepishly rubbing his arm.
*
At the entrance to a building, Elon stopped them and said, "Here's where I leave you. This is the home of the Master of the Universe. He'll be able to answer all your questions."
"Thank you, Elon," Teyla said graciously.
As he passed John, Elon socked him in the shoulder again. John barely held back a manly squeak of pain. "Be seeing you, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard," he called, but it didn't sound all that inviting.
"Yeah, bye," John replied stiffly. He was going to have bruises on top of bruises from this.
"Every time he hits you, your whole body kind of seizes up," Rodney said, looking gleeful. "It's pretty funny."
John punched Rodney in the shoulder.
"Ow!" Rodney complained, drawing away from him. He rubbed his arm, making betrayed faces.
"See how you like it," John said crossly.
Ronon snickered. Teyla rolled her eyes and said, "If you are done...?"
The building Elon had left them at was higher than the others in town, four stories to the others' one or two. It was built from the same reddish wood. There wasn't a porch attached to the front, but there was a sign hanging over the door, in Eternian or whatever the local language was called. When they stepped through the door, a tiny bell chimed, like they were at a store and not the home of a leader.
"Come in, come in," said a male voice, from somewhere beyond the foyer.
Following the voice, John turned the corner -- and stopped dead in his tracks. Rodney slammed into his back and yelped, "Hey, watch it, did you forget how to walk in the one point five seconds it took you to-- Jesus Christ on a cracker."
Elon had led them directly to a man who was wearing a white robe and sandals. His long hair and beard were both light brown. The expression on his face was peaceful. John had been to a lot of strange planets during his brief stint in this galaxy, but this was one of the few times he was dumbstruck by what he saw.
"Hello, my children," said the man. He rose from his polished wooden throne and spread his arms. "Welcome to Eternia. I am the Master of the Universe. How may I help you?"
From the way they greeted him, Ronon and Teyla didn't seem to think anything was odd, but Rodney pulled John away by the back of his tac vest.
"Cowboy planet, lumberjacks, son of God," he whispered, ticking them off his fingers. "Where the hell are we?"
"This is like all my childhood fantasies and nightmares rolled into one," John whispered back. "Except this time I'm not wearing hotpants."
"Is that part of the nightmare or part of the fantasy?" Rodney asked suspiciously.
Teyla bowed her head at the Master of the Universe. "Thank you for welcoming us on your world. We are in search of a device, and were wondering if you might help us locate it."
He gestured for them all to sit at a long table that sat before his throne. The set up reminded John of the Tower's "throne room" on the planet with the Ancient city, except instead of a room with stained glass and marble floors the Master of the Universe's court had wooden floors and walls, and a fireplace on the left-hand wall. It was more like a house than a palace.; John wondered if the guy lived on the other three floors.
John and Teyla each took a seat; after throwing Ronon and Rodney a glare or two, the rest of their team followed. John started yet another round of introductions: "I'm Lieutenant Co--"
"I know who you are, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard," the Master of the Universe said, expression shifting from open to wary, and John stiffened. "I was told of your arrival the moment you entered my village. Who you are doesn't concern me as much as why you are here. Why are you here?"
"We have come to ask your permission to allow us into your ancestral temples," Teyla asked.
The Master of the Universe looked startled. "You ask permission to pray to our gods?"
"Oh please," Rodney murmured under his breath.
"I am afraid not," Teyla said calmly, as if she hadn't heard Rodney. "We are hoping your temples contain a... sacred relic, of which we are in great need. It would have been put in your temples a long, long time ago."
John leaned forward, catching the man's eye. "It would really mean a lot to us if you'd give us permission. We promise we won't touch anything but our, uh, sacred zero point module." He gave his best, most innocent smile (the one that almost always worked on Elizabeth, but never on General Landry), but the Master of the Universe looked perplexed. His mouth puckered like he'd bitten into something sour, which really wasn't the response John had been hoping for. Maybe he was losing his touch.
A hand on his shoulder abruptly pulled him back. "Christ, Sheppard, tone it down," Rodney whispered in his ear.
John frowned. "What?"
"You need to be more careful here," Ronon quietly said to him.
"I'm not acting any differently than I always act," John hissed.
"Exactly," Rodney murmured.
Rodney's breath was warm on John's cheek, and he felt a twinge of disappointment when Rodney sat up straight again. The Master of the Universe's gaze flickered between the two of them, and, if it was possible, he looked even more leery.
"Look," Rodney said, "all we want is what's in the temple. It's important to us, and completely useless to you. Just let us in; we'll be gone before you know it."
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Teyla stiffen. He discreetly kicked Rodney in the shins. "Like I said, it would really mean a lot to us," he said, as Rodney's face reddened.
The Master of the Universe gave him a look. "You would be interested in allying with us?"
John wasn't sure how to answer that. "Well..."
"Our leader would be willing to discuss an alliance with you," Teyla said, much to John's relief. "After we have received our sacred relic."
"I would like to return your artifact to you, but I'm concerned you will go back on your word and rob us," said the Master of the Universe. "Our temples are filled with many riches, you understand. People have tried to steal from us before."
Ronon slammed a hand on the table, causing everyone to jump. "I give you my oath, on the Warrior's Code of Sham-lok Cha, we won't take anything but what belongs to us."
The Master of the Universe regarded Ronon with respect. "That is a powerful statement," he said.
"You have my warrior's whatever too," John offered, puffing out his chest.
"That is a great insult coming from someone like you," said the Master of the Universe. A look of disdain that strong looked really weird coming from someone who looked like John's so-called personal Lord and Saviour.
"Hey, my hair naturally does this," John protested. Rodney sent him a disbelieving look and mouthed, "What?" John pointedly ignored him.
"It's okay, he'll do what I say," Ronon said. He slung an arm across the back of Teyla's chair, looking smug. "McKay's my scientist, Teyla's my woman, and Sheppard's my man-servant. I'm the one really in charge here. So it's okay if we go to your temples now, right?"
John was going to kill Ronon as soon as they found the ZPM.
"Ronon," Teyla snapped, as Rodney sputtered. John was still too bewildered to say anything. "I am not your woman."
The Master of the Universe nodded at Ronon. "This is acceptable to me. Make sure he doesn't put his filthy hands on anything."
"Now you have proof Jesus really does hate you," Rodney whispered, and John grit his teeth.
*
The way to the temple was bright and sunny. Rodney was absolutely miserable. The sun was warm and shining (sunburn), the field was dotted with blue and yellow flowers (allergies), and the air was full of butterflies and insects zipping around (West Nile and Malaria). The worst part was Sheppard was clearly lost and leading them around in circles, despite the temples being huge and obvious. He didn't understand how this man had ever fought in a war. Or how he managed to get from his quarters to the control room every day. One morning Rodney was going to wake up to Sheppard calling for help over the radio, saying he'd been on his way to the washroom and had somehow ended up in a flooded corridor.
"I can't believe you got us lost," Rodney grumbled. "Oh wait, yes, I can."
Sheppard looked at him. He was wearing his sunglasses, but Rodney could tell he was glaring. "We're not lost. We just... took the long way. I know exactly where we're going."
"Next planet, I'm leading," Ronon muttered.
Rodney glanced down at the life signs detector. "I'm still not picking up any energy spikes. Teyla, you're sure--?"
"As I said before, I am sure this is the correct location," Teyla interrupted sharply.
It took them nearly two hours to reach the nearest temple, a stone ziggurat surrounded by old, gnarled trees that were probably infested with all sorts of diseases. And ticks. Rodney was so going to get Lyme Disease from this excursion.
"Still not reading anything," he announced.
"Maybe the stone's blocking the signal," Sheppard suggested. Rodney glanced up, mouth already open, but the way the sunlight hit Sheppard's face and hair as he gazed into the distance, like a work of art, caused Rodney to completely forget what he was going to say.
They were almost to the door of the temple when the largest tree beside it began to shake. A figure dropped from the branches, head bowed, covered in moss and leaves. Rodney jumped back behind Teyla and Ronon, yelping. In a very manly way, of course.
"What took you so long?" asked a familiar voice.
It was none other than Aiden Ford, former lieutenant in the US Marine Corps and current Wraith enzyme abuser. He had leaves in his afro, and his clothes (leather, of course, although they were obscured by mud, moss, and twigs) were wrinkled and looked slept-in, but the fresh face and creepy black eye were definitely Ford's. He peered at them all and grinned.
"Ford!" Rodney, Sheppard, and Teyla exclaimed at once, but each in a different tone. Rodney didn't think Sheppard's half-hopeful cry or Teyla's surprised shout meant what Rodney's "Ford" did, which was, "Oh my God, everyone back to the gate before we get murdered by a junkie space pirate." Ronon, at least, pulled out his gun and aimed it at Ford's head, but Ford didn't look concerned.
In fact, he looked pissed. That was probably from the Wraith enzyme. He was probably high out of his mind right now. "Come on, guys, I've been sitting in that tree for three days. What the hell were you doing? It's a fifteen minute walk from the stargate!"
"Sheppard got us lost," Ronon said.
"I did not," Sheppard snapped. To Ford, he asked, "What are you doing here? I thought-- we thought you died on that hiveship."
With a disgusted look, Ford picked a green bug out of his afro. "Nope, still alive and kicking. Did you seriously get lost, Colonel? Look at this. I had to start eating bugs and twigs to survive. Nature's disgusting." He held the insect out towards Sheppard.
"Ew," said Sheppard, recoiling.
"Didn't you used to live in a cave?" Ronon asked Ford.
Suddenly it made sense to Rodney why none of the morons on this planet had known anything about an energy source. It wasn't that they were too primitive to recognize it; it had never been here to begin with. "You lured us here," he accused, "for some-- for some nefarious purpose, didn't you?"
"Why do we keep falling for this?" Sheppard groaned.
"This is a trap?" Teyla demanded. "But I was told explicitly there was a zero point module on this world. These words came from Bartholeminus himself."
No one knew what that meant. Everyone shifted awkwardly.
"My second cousin," she added, sounding irritated she had to remind them.
"Yeah, him," Sheppard said, "with the hair and the-- eyes, and the-- Yeah, I remember Bartholemy. What a guy."
"Bartholeminus," Teyla corrected.
"Can we get back to me?" Ford asked. He struck a dangerous pose. Although the moss and the mud really detracted from whatever evilness he was trying to project. He smirked at the team. "You were told what I wanted you to be told."
Ronon bared his teeth. "Why'd you want us here?"
That was a good question. An excellent question, really, and Rodney's chest tightened as he was torn between being outraged and terrified. Ford had left Atlantis, he couldn't just show up whenever he felt like it and coerce them into helping him destroy the Wraith. It didn't work that way.
Ford smiled at them. For a moment, he looked like his old self. "I was remembering some of the good times we used to have. Even after all this time, I still remember every little detail about you guys. Colonel Sheppard likes things that go fast. Teyla likes feeling useful. McKay likes..." Ford's grin now was different from before; a cold shiver ran down Rodney's back. This wasn't the Ford who'd help them first explore the Pegasus Galaxy, the kid he, Sheppard, and Teyla had teased. This was the guy who'd gone planet to planet looking for Wraith to fight, hopped up on drugs. Ford was wild and unpredictable, and Rodney didn't know what would happen if Ford shot him up with the enzyme again. Detox had nearly killed him the first time.
The memory of that particular adventure caused his rage to flare up again. "You knew us pretty well when you kidnapped us, almost turned us into drug addicts, and forced us to take part in your suicide mission," he said, patience running out.
"What I mean is, we were tight."
"Ford," Sheppard started, sounding pained.
"And the thing is, being your teammate and all... I know all your secrets. Granted, some were easier to figure out than others," he added, glancing at Rodney again with that weird black eye.
"What does that have to do with bringing us here?" Sheppard asked, face scrunching up in confusion.
Ford turned to Rodney. "I want you to make me something." He reached into his coat; Sheppard, Ronon, and Teyla jumped, bringing up their P-90s, but Ford merely drew out a rolled up piece of what appeared to be parchment paper and handed it to Rodney.
Rodney took it gingerly. It was heavier and thicker than it looked; he had no idea what could be on it. Ford had a degree in Psychology, for Christ's sake. He didn't know how to build anything outside of what the USMC had taught him. Which meant, Rodney thought sourly, it was probably plans for a bomb. "What is this?" he asked warily.
"Well, I was on Manara, and I got in this barfight, and when I woke up after the concussion I had this great idea. --"
"As is how all great plans are borne," Rodney said sarcastically.
"--Wouldn't it be nice if instead of having to go out and find a Wraith, I could capture one and take the enzyme whenever I need it?"
Rodney sneered, "If you think I'm helping you support your habit, you're out of your fucking mind."
Ford, faster than Rodney could have imagined -- although he should have imagined this, because Ford was on the Pegasus version of steroids, and was probably having some sort of drug-induced fit -- threw an arm around Sheppard's neck. With his other hand he pressed a Genii-style gun to Sheppard's temple. It all happened in the blink of an eye; Ronon and Teyla, with matching dumbfounded expressions, raised their weapons, but they didn't fire. Even Rodney's impressive brain stuttered to a halt.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sheppard demanded. He started to push back against Ford, but Ford's arm visibly tightened around him.
"You're building this for me, McKay," Ford announced threateningly. "I need it."
"What you need is to let me go," Sheppard growled.
Rodney finally found his voice. "Ford, you're freaking out. How many fingers am I holding up? Do you need a glass of water?"
"Ford, this isn't the way to get what you want," Sheppard said.
"Let him go," Ronon demanded, pointing his gun directly at the two of them.
"If you shoot, you will hurt John," Teyla said, grabbing Ronon's arm.
Sheppard began: "Yeah, Ronon, that's not really--"
"It's set to stun," Ronon replied.
"No!" Rodney shouted, and Teyla yelled, "Wait, Ronon!" But he didn't listen to them; before they could do anything to stop him, he'd pulled out his gun and shot Ford. And because Ford's arm was still around his neck, Sheppard.
Sheppard sagged, unconscious. Ford was the only thing keeping him upright. The same Ford who was very obviously not stunned by Ronon's pistol.
"Oh," Ronon said. He studied his gun. "Hmm."
"He's on the enzyme, you moron," Rodney exclaimed.
"Hey, thanks, this makes things a lot easier," said Ford. Sheppard's head rolled back onto his shoulder; Ford adjusted his grip to wrap around Sheppard's waist instead of around his neck. For an instant, Rodney felt stupidly, ridiculously jealous of Ford. "See, McKay, I told you, we were friends. I know all your secrets. And to make sure you build this thing that's really important to me, I'm taking away the thing that's most important to you, the thing I know you don't want to live without."
"My intelligence?" Rodney asked in horror.
Ford stared at him. "No, Sheppard. Jeeze, are things exactly the same as they were last time we met?"
"Pretty much," Ronon replied.
"Yes, it is quite sad," Teyla said.
Ford shook his head. "I know you'll do whatever you can to get the Colonel back, McKay. You have one week to build what I need, or else I'll kill him. Or maybe I'll hand him over to the Genii; I haven't really thought about it yet."
Rodney went cold all over. "You wouldn't do that!"
Growling, Ronon started to move towards him, but Ford took a step back. "I'll shoot him before you can shoot me," he warned. "Faster reflexes, remember?"
Ford hefted Sheppard over his shoulder like he weighed nothing. Granted, Sheppard was skinny, but it wasn't like he was the size of a child (or Major Lorne). Rodney remembered how strong he'd been on the double dose of the enzyme, how he'd known he could have easily killed Ford's goons with his bare hands without even trying. Ford could probably snap Sheppard in half like a twig. But that wasn't what he did; instead he gave the team one last grin and dashed into the cluster of trees surrounding the temple.
Ronon made a feral sound in his throat and took off after him, Teyla at his heels.
Rodney gaped at the spot where his teammates had been before chasing after them. There was no way he could catch up to Ford -- he couldn't run as fast as Ronon and Teyla, with their crazy Pegasus genes that somehow gave them bodies of Olympic triathalon competitors -- but there had to be something he could do to stop Ford from taking Sheppard God-knew-where. Anything. He was a genius, after all, surely he could come up with something.
He couldn't have been running for more than five minutes when he heard the gate activate. Wow, it really was only a fifteen minute walk.
Ronon stepped out from behind a tree, chest heaving from exertion. Rodney wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and demanded, "Where--?"
"He pulled John through the stargate," Ronon said grimly.
*
Their arrival in Atlantis wasn't pleasant. It reminded Rodney of when Sheppard had been captured by Kolya, except this time a) they knew who had him, and b) it was all Rodney's fault. He was extremely, painfully aware of that last part in particular. Teyla and Ronon were looking sombre and ferocious, respectively; as soon as they received back up, they could find Ford and tear him limb from limb if they wanted. Rodney, on the other hand, felt nauseated with terror.
"We need Marines," he announced the second the wormhole closed behind them. "Ten, no, twenty of the toughest Marines in the city, at least two puddlejumpers, and the biggest guns we can find." He cupped a hand around his mouth and shouted up to the control room: "Campbell, you hoser, see if you can locate Colonel Sheppard's subcutaneous tracking device."
"Uh, sure thing," Campbell yelled back.
"Would using your radio not be easier?" Teyla asked.
"No, it would not," he said snidely.
Elizabeth came running down the stairs. He met her halfway; she spun around to follow him up to the gate room. "Rodney, what's going on? Where's John?"
He leaned over Campbell's shoulder and usurped his workstation as Ronon and Teyla explained the situation to her. He couldn't believe this was happening. Actually, he could; these kinds of things always happened to him. Although how Ford knew about his stupid crush, he had no idea. He'd worked very hard to keep anyone, especially Sheppard, from finding out. It wasn't so much he feared losing Sheppard's friendship or having Sheppard make fun of him as it was he feared the crippling pain of rejection. He could handle people like the beautiful Samantha Carter saying no to him (over and over again), but when it was someone he truly wanted to be with, well. That was different.
Not that he was in love with Sheppard or anything, which was what Ford had been implying. The very idea was ridiculous. It was merely an infatuation. One which he'd been waiting three years to go away.
"So Ford was hiding in a tree," Elizabeth was saying when he snapped back into focus, "and then Ronon shot John."
"Yes," Teyla said.
"That about sums it up," Rodney agreed.
Ronon shifted silently, looking a little embarrassed.
Elizabeth tapped her radio. Her face was tight with worry. "Major Lorne, please come to the control room immediately. We have a situation."
Rodney said, "Elizabeth, that is without doubt the strangest planet I've ever been to. I cannot begin to tell you how bizarre it was. It looked, from the outside, like one of those Wild West amusement parks, but it was filled with-- with lumberjacks, of all things. Their leader -- who called himself the Master of the Universe, which is so wrong -- looked more than a little like Jesus. I suggest, in my official capacity as the smartest man in the city, and who are we kidding, the galaxy, no one from Atlantis ever visit Eternia again."
He was desperate to convey to her how fucked up the situation was. They needed to send someone after Ford now; while they were wasting time, Ford was probably taking Sheppard to a space rave. They were going to have to send Sheppard to rehab, and then Sheppard would become a Born Again Christian or something and then decide he wasn't gay anymore, and Rodney would have to watch him have sex with hot women instead of just tentacled energy aliens. Rodney's life was one never-ending crapfest.
"Was there any reason Ford chose that planet specifically?" Elizabeth asked.
Campbell glanced up at Rodney. "I can't find Colonel Sheppard's signal on the long-range scanners," he said quietly.
Rodney was beginning to feel helpless. He couldn't stand feeling helpless. Being sad made him so angry. "I don't know," he told Elizabeth.
"Perhaps for the series of temples near the stargate," Teyla said. "He knew he could hide there and wait for us to arrive."
"He knew we'd go looking there first," Ronon added.
Teyla placed a hand on Rodney's arm. "Is there a way to use the data crystals to find out which address Lieutenant Ford dialed?"
"No," he answered, disgusted by the very suggestion. "Dialing an address leaves an imprint on the control crystals, but it's impossible to tell the order in which they were dialed. By the time we find which planet Ford went to, he'll most likely have moved on. Or are you forgetting our last team reunion?"
Teyla looked as frustrated as he felt. It was at that point Lorne came jogging into the control room, shrugging on his tac vest. "I got here as soon as I could. What's the problem?"
Teyla appeared to be about to leap into another long explanation, so Rodney beat her to it: "Colonel Sheppard was taken hostage and was lured -- well, not lured, more like carried -- through the gate by Ford. We have to find him before Ford does something unspeakable to him."
"How'd he get Colonel Sheppard to go through the gate with him?" Lorne asked, looking shocked.
Everyone looked at Ronon.
Ronon raised his eyebrows. "I was aiming for Ford," he said grumpily.
Lorne turned back to Rodney; as usual, Lorne only seemed to recognize he had something useful to contribute when the situation was dire. "What did the Lieutenant want?"
With a jolt of surprise, Rodney remembered the blueprints still clutched in his left hand. "Oh, right, yes," he said, unrolling the paper, "he wanted--"
He took one look at the plans and felt his stomach bottom out. "Oh no."
*
When John returned to consciousness, the first thing he noticed was that he lying was on a stone floor. The second thing he noticed was that his entire body ached; he'd had enough embarrassing experiences being stunned to immediately recognize it as the cause. Being hit by a stun blast had never looked this painful on Star Trek, that's for sure. Groaning, he pressed his pounding forehead against the cold floor surface. "Ronon," he moaned, "you're so grounded for this."
"I see you're awake," said Ford.
John rolled onto his back, startled. Ford was here and his team was not. That was definitely not good. He was carefully pushing himself into a sitting position when he realized his hands and ankles were bound in front of him.
"What's with this?" he demanded. "What's going on? Ford?"
"Yeah, I guess you missed that conversation, didn't you," Ford said. He pushed aside his leather jacket to kneel next to John, who had finally managed to sit up. "Sorry, Colonel, but taking you was the only way I could be sure McKay would make me my Enzyme O' Matic. As soon as he delivers it, I'll let you go back to Atlantis."
John wasn't sure which part of that explanation bothered him more. "And if he doesn't?"
"Then I'll sell you for drug money," Ford said frankly.
John grimaced. "You're sounding uncomfortably like my father."
Ford looked surprised. "Wow, sir, you have parents? Is your mom hot?"
"Ford, I'm, like, forty," John said.
"So... no?" Ford asked.
*
"Ford-- he-- he tricked me," Rodney gasped, horrified, holding the so-called blueprints away from his body. "These aren't blueprints, they're the scribblings of a madman. This was an elaborate ruse to capture Sheppard and keep him for himself! Or worse, hand him over to someone else. Oh God, you don't think he sold Sheppard into sex slavery, do you?" He spun to face his remaining teammates. "Why didn't one of you shoot him the minute we saw him? What use are you?"
"Rodney, please calm down before you say something you may regret," Teyla said, the tone of her voice implying Rodney was supposed to be regretting a lot already.
But he couldn't calm down, because Ford had given him a crude drawing of a syringe with a pump at the end. Nothing about it was scientific. Instead, it looked like something he'd expect from Loony Tunes. Every individual part was labeled, but with words like, 'long ass needle' and 'enzyme sucker'; the outline of the suction device itself was drawn in a style similar to a child's. Sheppard's life depended on this?
Ronon pulled the blueprints out of Rodney's hands and studied them. "Seems obvious to me. He wants you to build this thing that burrows into the Wraith's arm and takes the enzyme without killing it. You can build that, right?"
Rodney snatched the plans back. "No, I cannot build that. Do I look like I know anything about Wraith physiology to you? The only way I could make something to extract the enzyme from a Wraith without killing it would be if I had a Wraith to experiment on." He paused. "We couldn't get a Wraith, could we?"
"No!" Elizabeth said.
"Worth a try," he muttered.
Less than fifteen minutes later, Lorne, Teyla, and Ronon were heading back through the gate -- without him. That was because Lorne was a moron who still, to this very day, despite all they'd been through, didn't realize Rodney couldn't sit around and twiddle his thumbs while Sheppard was being held captive by a crazy person. And something about how the last time Sheppard had been kidnapped and they'd gone looking for him, the only thing Rodney had taken out was a rat. When Lorne had said no to his going with them (his exact words had been, "God no"), Rodney had said, "But it's my-- team leader. Type. Person. Who's been kidnapped," and Lorne had just sort of... squinted at him like he knew all about Rodney's stupid, stupid feelings.
He felt ridiculous and useless standing beside Elizabeth as his teammates and five hulking Marines disappeared through the event horizon.
"Welcome to my life," Elizabeth told him, looking at him sympathetically.
"I'm only worried because the Colonel's desire to be cool makes him easily susceptible to peer pressure," he snapped.
There was no way he was going to be able to stand there until Lorne returned. So he did what any other sane, well-adjusted person would do in a situation like this: he went to Sheppard's quarters and pretended he could detect a trace of cheap aftershave in the air.
Rodney looked at the surfboard Sheppard never used, the guitar he probably didn't know how to play, the model airplanes he was stupidly proud of, the sheer, sparkly curtains he-- actually, Rodney had no idea what those were about. Sheppard's golf clubs were propped up in a corner. On his desk were his aromatherapy candles, organized by colour and scent, and normally Rodney would find that ridiculously anal and worry about Sheppard's deteriorating mental state, but now it just made him sad. Which then, of course, made him angry. It was a vicious cycle of rage and melancholy.
Zelenka's voice came over his radio: "Rodney? Where are you? Dr Weir said there is an emergency."
"I'm in Colonel Sheppard's quarters," he replied.
A few minutes later, Zelenka came bustling in through the door. He had his tablet in one hand. "What is going on? Why are we in John's room? And how did he get curtains that match his bedspread so well?"
Rodney wanted to punch someone. Like maybe Ford. Except hitting things inevitably led to bruised knuckles and him getting his ass handed to him. "Sheppard got taken by Lieutenant Ford. He wants me to build him this contraption so he can extract the enzyme from a Wraith without killing it."
Zelenka gaped. "But why did he take John?"
"For his great conversation skills. Why do you think? To ensure I would follow his instructions."
Zelenka started pulling something up on his tablet. "Can we track him using--?"
"No." Rodney's shoulders stooped. "I've already tried it. Either Ford has removed the subcutaneous tracker, or he's taken Sheppard somewhere underground."
"Maybe Major Lorne will find him," Zelenka said hopefully.
*
"We couldn't find him," said Lorne.
He had the decency to look embarrassed. Teyla, however, looked murderous, and Ronon's left eye was twitching. Rodney didn't know what his expression was like, but Lorne glanced over at him and hastily added, "Sorry."
Elizabeth pressed her palms flat against the tabletop. Rodney had seen her do that particular gesture enough times to know she was mentally counting to ten. "Teyla," she asked, "what did your contacts say?"
Teyla's lips thinned. "We traced the chain of information back to what appeared to be the original source. Unfortunately, it seems the person to whom Ford originally gave the false information was killed shortly after passing it along. I believe Ford himself killed this man to prevent us from finding him."
"No one else we spoke to on the planet had seen or heard from Ford," Lorne continued. "Although one or two did have some, uh, colourful things to say about Colonel Sheppard."
"What kinds of things?" Rodney asked, appalled. How dare those backwards, unwashed, self-absorbed, Jesus freaks say anything bad about Sheppard!
"They thought he was a little gay," Lorne said.
"Oh," Rodney said, "well."
"I think it's time to ask our allies if they've heard anything," Elizabeth said, narrowing her eyes.
"With all due respect, Dr Weir, I don't think that's going to do any good," Lorne replied.
Lorne, Elizabeth, and Teyla began arguing all at once. But their bickering was pointless, because Rodney knew what he had to do.
He carefully rolled up his sleeves and stood. Lorne broke off his argument to stare at him; soon Elizabeth and Teyla were doing the same. "Someone get me a syringe, a Slinky, and a funnel," Rodney said firmly. "I have an Enzyme O' Matic to build."
Part Two
For svmadelyn's Cuff 'Em, Vamp 'Em, or Just Make 'Em Come Already Kink and Cliché Multi-Fandom Challenge I was given: Bad guys (or, well, anyone) force our Intrepid Hero (or, um, villain) to fess up to feelings for Guy B.
Title: Certain People Got a God Complex [AO3]
Word count: ~17,500 words
Spoilers: Up through and including 3x20 First Strike.
Warnings: This fic does not have anything in it that requires a warning. Hopefully.
Summary: An old friend needs McKay's expertise, so he takes Sheppard as collateral. Getting Sheppard back may prove to be harder than expected when McKay realizes they're dealing with a lunatic. McKay/Sheppard.
Podfic by pennyplainknits can be found here!
*
"I believe I have found us a fully-functioning ZPM," Teyla said.
In retrospect, her words should have been the first sign something was wrong. Not because Teyla was untrustworthy, or because John didn't think she could really find them a ZPM, but because things didn't really fall into their laps like that, not without something bad happening. They found an advanced civilization; it was full of human-form Replicators. They found an Ancient ship; the entire crew (plus Wraith) was in statis. They found an Ancient weapon outpost; it had the potential for tearing a hole in the space-time continuum. It was almost like the Ancients had wanted to trip them up.
John wasn't suspicious, though, because he was distracted by Rodney jumping on him the instant he walked into the briefing room: "Kusangi found some of the whales living off the mainland, I thought you might want to go check it out later? Maybe my friend will be there."
He looked so eager that John would have to be a jerk to say no. Besides, he liked whale watching with Rodney; it was relaxing, and Rodney was good company. So John said, "Sure," as he headed for his usual seat. Rodney followed at his heels.
"Excellent," said Rodney. He looked happy, and John bit the inside of his cheek to keep from grinning. "It's a date. Not a date-date, just a friendly get-together between two single men, that is in no way romantic or sexual in nature." Rodney paused, then added desperately, "Oh look, everyone's here."
So when Teyla made her announcement, John was busy wondering what the hell was wrong with Rodney. Of course, he'd been asking that question for three years and hadn't come up with an answer yet.
"Hold on, did you say a ZPM?" John asked, finally realizing what this meeting was about. "They'll let us just waltz in and take it?"
Teyla nodded. "Yes. However, there is one problem. The world on which the ZPM lies is very... conservative." She looked kind of uneasy. Or she really had to pee; John never could tell with her. "They have very... traditional values, and do not like... certain groups of people."
Elizabeth's brows knitted together in a way that told John she completely understood what Teyla meant. He hoped he wasn't the only one lost here. It'd be really embarrassing when he got through the gate and had no idea what was supposed to come next. The last time he'd done that -- after daydreaming during one of Rodney's long explanations about some Ancient thing that was really important and would help him do blah blah Ancient technology blah, whatever, John didn't need to know how it worked, just that it did -- his team had ended up walking into the middle of a civil war. Which they'd realized when both sides had stopped their battle in order to chase them back to the stargate. John had been on worse missions, sure, but he really didn't want to be hounded by three hundred guys on Segways equipped with rocket launchers. Again.
"Teyla, are you saying what I think you're saying...?" Elizabeth trailed off.
"Yes," Teyla said gravely, "they have banned both musical theatre and tight pants."
"Then it's a good thing my pants are already loose," John said, throwing Rodney a smirk.
Rodney slowly looked up from his tablet to stare at him. Elizabeth rolled her eyes towards the ceiling.
Teyla studied John for a long moment, then, as if deciding something, turned back to Elizabeth. "Perhaps I should take Major Lorne's team. Since..."
"Since what?" John asked.
They both ignored him. "That might be a good idea," Elizabeth said.
"Wait, wait," Rodney cut in. He held up a hand. "Seriously? I didn't think people in this galaxy felt that way. I thought you were all about how important it is to live life to the fullest before you're sucked dry -- very painfully, might I add -- by a Wraith."
Ronon swiveled his chair to make a face at Rodney. John leaned forward a little just to make it easier for the big guy. "Have I ever said anything like that to you?"
"You tell me to calm down a lot," Rodney pointed out.
"Hey, we can do this," John said to Teyla. He leaned back again and flashed a smile at Elizabeth. "It won't kill us to pretend to be 'traditional' and 'conservative' for a few hours, right, guys?"
Ronon snorted. "Maybe McKay and I can," he muttered, almost too quiet for John to hear.
"I know I say this all the time, so it's probably lost all meaning by now, but we are so going to die," Rodney said.
"John, if you're sure," Elizabeth said, sounding uncomfortable.
"Yeah, I'm sure," he replied sharply. He was getting irritated at everyone's assumption he'd screw this up. He didn't screw up nearly as much as Rodney did when it came to making new friends, but no one was questioning him. "We'll go in, play nice, grab the ZPM, and be back in time for dinner."
Teyla reached across the table to grip John's hand. "I should also point out they have banned styling products."
"Going to die," Rodney repeated, sing-song.
*
"What's this planet called again?" John asked, while the team waited for Rodney to finish yelling at Sergeant Campbell and join them. It was the usual pre-mission chaos. ("No, this goes here, and that one goes there," Rodney was saying. "Are you a complete imbecile or did they teach you how to blow up Ancient tech at RMC?" "Oh, is that why there was a post-it stuck to it with 'do not remove' written on it?" Campbell asked sarcastically, and Rodney sputtered.)
Teyla tore her gaze away from Ronon twirling his gun -- What a show off, John thought -- to give John an impatient look. He had a feeling she'd said the name enough times for him to remember it by now. "Eternia."
"Eternia?" John asked.
"Eternia," Teyla said.
John was still trying to wrap his mind around that when Rodney came bumbling down the stairs, carrying his tablet under his arm. "I swear to God I can't leave these people alone for a second," he complained. "Anytime I step offworld it's, 'I can't get the DHD to work, Dr McKay,' 'I don't understand what these results mean, Dr McKay,' 'I pushed the wrong button and now the city's come to life and is using the ventilation tubes to choke us to death, Dr McKay.'"
John rolled his eyes. "We know, we'd all be--"
"Dead without me? How nice of you to notice my incredibly hefty responsibility for the lives of everyone in the city, including yourself, Colonel."
"You only tell us that every day," said John.
Rodney bristled. "I do not."
"You told me this morning at breakfast I'd better give you the last muffin because later you might be too hungry to save my life," Ronon said dryly, coming up to stand beside John.
"Yes, well," Rodney sniffed, "it was blueberry. You know they're my favourite."
John shared a smirk with Ronon. Behind him, the gate whooshed as it activated. He waved goodbye at Elizabeth before turning back to his team; Elizabeth made a strange gesture back at him. "Ready to head to Castle Greyskull on planet Eternia, Dr McKay?" he asked.
"Yeah, I can't call it that," Rodney said.
"I do not see why that name is so funny," Teyla said.
John was about to walk through the event horizon when Elizabeth suddenly rushed down the steps, looking peeved. "John," she called, "I was trying to tell you something earlier."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," he said, "don't trade any weapons, don't make any new enemies, don't hit on any women."
"Actually, I was going to say that maybe you should let Ronon and Teyla do the talking on this one."
John didn't know what to say to that. Teyla, he understood, but Ronon? Really? "Why?" he asked apprehensively.
Elizabeth crossed her arms over her chest and raised her chin. He was getting the feeling she was embarrassed for some reason. "I think given how their society idealizes masculinity, Ronon would be the best choice to--"
"Hey, I'm very manly," John interrupted. He was starting to get angry here. What, did a guy have to be as built as Ronon to go to a world where they'd banned tight pants? "I am so manly. Killed-things-with-my-bare-hands manly."
He caught McKay's exaggerated grimace of the corner of his eye. Pissed, John whirled on his teammates; all three of them quickly dropped whatever faces they were making.
"Yes, we get it," Rodney said to him, sounding irritated. He used his hands to outline something that might've been John's body. "You have a big gun and you're tall and lean and have an ass that just won't quit. We know."
John frowned. "I have a what?"
"I can talk for everyone," Ronon cut in. John glared. Ronon added, "If it comes to that."
Elizabeth took a deep breath. "John, no one is questioning your manliness."
He wasn't mollified. It was like everyone knew something he didn't. "Yeah?" he demanded. "Then what are you questioning?"
Elizabeth and Teyla glanced at each other. "That's not important," Elizabeth said. "What's important is getting out of this mission without causing an interplanetary incident. If the people of Eternia -- John, Rodney, stop snickering -- won't let us have the ZPM, don't push it. We're doing perfectly fine with the one we have now."
This time it was Rodney's turn to squeak, "What?"
John nodded at her. "You got it," he said. But he knew if the people of Eternia weren't using their ZPM, and there was a chance they could get it without anyone getting hurt, his team was making a break for it. He'd had enough Replicator attacks to last him a lifetime, and who knew what Rodney could do with two ZPMs at his disposal. Having a shield that lasted more than a day or two would make up for Elizabeth being angry with him.
Elizabeth pressed her lips into a thin line. "Be safe," she said, backing up.
John turned back to the still-open gate. Teyla stepped up beside him. "John," she said quietly, "please behave less... friendly towards the inhabitants of this world than you would under normal circumstances. This is very important."
"Why does everyone on this planet sound like a jerk?" John asked, but his words were swallowed up by the wormhole.
The world on the other side was completely flat. Brown and green plains stretched for miles and miles, disappearing into the blue horizon. Within a few yards of the gate was a village consisting of wood buildings with wide porches and swinging doors. Something that looked like a zebra was tied to a stake in front of what was probably, from the looks of things, a saloon. Aside from the stone monuments in the near distance, and the very alien print on the windows of the shops, it looked as if they'd stepped into an old Spaghetti Western. A few of the people on the street paused to stare at them. Well, they'd been to plenty of Medieval worlds, and even a couple of Blade Runner worlds; it was only a matter of time before they'd find a cowboy world.
"This is so not what I was expecting from a planet named 'Eternia,'" Rodney said, sounding disappointed.
"Maybe we're in the Plains of Perpitua," said John.
"How do you know so much about He-Man?" Rodney crossed his arms over his chest. "Hold on, half-naked warriors with bulging muscles and swords? Why do I even ask."
Ronon looked at John over Rodney's head. "Big swords?"
"We'll watch some when we get back, buddy," John promised, slipping on his sunglasses.
Rodney pulled out the life signs detector. "I'm not reading any energy sources here. Teyla, you're sure your contacts meant this planet?"
"Yes, they were very specific," she replied.
A group of men exited from the saloon-like building and headed towards John's team. They didn't look particularly angry or menacing, but John gave Teyla and Ronon the signal to get ready. In his experience, it was always the nicest-looking aliens who were the most deadly. While the locals may or may not have been dangerous, there was one thing for sure: they looked a lot like lumberjacks, with their flannel shirts, suspenders, and worn boots. John was kind of disappointed they weren't cowboys instead.
"Hey, look, Rodney, here come some of your people," he said.
Rodney scowled at him. "We didn't exactly have a lot of lumberjacks in Windsor, I'll have you know."
The group stopped in front of John's team. They didn't seem to be reaching for any weapons. One of the men, however, was staring at John's hair with a poisonous look on his face. His own hair was flat and frizzy; he must've been jealous. It wasn't John's fault they'd banned gel on Eternia.
"Hey," John said, stepping forward confidently. He gave the man his most charming grin.
"Stop that," Rodney hissed, "are you trying to get us killed?"
"I'm not doing anything," John muttered back, annoyed. To the locals, he called, "We're visitors. We don't mean any harm. Can we talk to whomever's in charge here?"
The men exchanged glances with each other, but remained silent. John shared a glance of his own with Teyla, finally getting why she'd told him to lay low: "Conservative and traditional" was code for "xenophobic and deadly." He continued smiling as he adjusted his grip on his P-90.
Ronon shouldered his way to the front of their group, one hand on his holstered gun. "We need to see your leader," he said roughly.
Like most people, they seemed to cower beneath Ronon's hugeness. Okay, maybe Elizabeth had been right about Ronon being the one to do all the talking. "The Master of the Universe is this way," said one of them.
John barely managed in time to turn his laugh into a cough. Rodney made a choked off sound of his own. "Oh my God, we really are on Eternia," Rodney said gleefully.
"Thank you," Teyla said serenely, completely ignoring the both of them. "Would it be too much trouble if you were to lead us to him?"
"Follow me, please," the man replied, giving Teyla a serene smile of his own. John rolled his eyes.
They trailed behind the native as he pointed out the various sites to Teyla: the saloon, the general store, the zebra veternarian. John stopped paying attention to the conversation and focused on the scenery instead; people were peeking at them from behind windows or around corners, but he didn't see any signs of weapons. Their guide didn't seem to be carrying anything either, from what John could see. Ronon would probably be able to tell if he had something stashed away, though. John kept smiling and nodding whenever Teyla or the man glanced over at him, and suddenly the guy was saying something to him and he didn't know what it was.
He glanced at Rodney for support; Rodney made a face that John interpreted as, 'You think I was paying attention?'
"I'm Elon," said the man.
He punched John in the shoulder. Hard. So hard, in fact, that John's back went stick-straight as he tried not to double over in pain.
"Uuugh," John replied. "I mean, hey there." He tried to smile, but it came out as a grimace. He'd been thinking this guy was kind of hot, but now he was totally taking that back.
"Welcome to Eternia," Elon added pleasantly.
"I'm Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard, this is Rodney and Ronon, and I guess you've met Teyla," he managed, hoping no one else heard the strangled tone in his voice. He punched Elon's shoulder in return, with as much force as he could muster; Elon didn't even looked fazed. Just what he needed, a planet full of people with Ronon's stamina. He really didn't want to have to go back to Atlantis and explain he got beaten up by a lumberjack.
"Is that how you greet each other here?" Rodney asked worriedly, backing away before Elon could punch him too.
"How do you greet each other on your world?" Elon asked, looking puzzled.
"They shake hands," Ronon said. "This makes way more sense to me."
"You mean you touch each other? In such a vulnerable spot?" Elon sounded appalled.
"Are you okay?" Teyla asked John quietly, gently touching his uninjured shoulder. The other shoulder hurt like a bitch. It hurt way more now than when Teyla and Ronon beat him up. and they were by far the strongest people he'd ever met.
"Never better," he said weakly. "This is nothing."
The tour continued; as they made their way to wherever it was Elon was leading them, they came across a man in a Medieval pillory, stuck between two buildings. His head hung low, and his hands were pink from being locked in place for so long. It looked really out of place for a village set in the Old West.
"What did he do?" Rodney asked, pointing. "I don't want to get chained up like that."
Elon shook his head. "He did something unbecoming of an Eternian. He cried. In public."
"He cried," Rodney repeated flatly.
"In public," John reminded him, bumping his uninjured shoulders against Rodney's.
"Yeah, and just because his father died," said Elon. "Can you believe it?"
"What a pussy," Ronon said dryly. There was a sound behind John like flesh hitting flesh, and Ronon "oomph"-ed; John glanced over his shoulder to see Teyla glaring and Ronon sheepishly rubbing his arm.
*
At the entrance to a building, Elon stopped them and said, "Here's where I leave you. This is the home of the Master of the Universe. He'll be able to answer all your questions."
"Thank you, Elon," Teyla said graciously.
As he passed John, Elon socked him in the shoulder again. John barely held back a manly squeak of pain. "Be seeing you, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard," he called, but it didn't sound all that inviting.
"Yeah, bye," John replied stiffly. He was going to have bruises on top of bruises from this.
"Every time he hits you, your whole body kind of seizes up," Rodney said, looking gleeful. "It's pretty funny."
John punched Rodney in the shoulder.
"Ow!" Rodney complained, drawing away from him. He rubbed his arm, making betrayed faces.
"See how you like it," John said crossly.
Ronon snickered. Teyla rolled her eyes and said, "If you are done...?"
The building Elon had left them at was higher than the others in town, four stories to the others' one or two. It was built from the same reddish wood. There wasn't a porch attached to the front, but there was a sign hanging over the door, in Eternian or whatever the local language was called. When they stepped through the door, a tiny bell chimed, like they were at a store and not the home of a leader.
"Come in, come in," said a male voice, from somewhere beyond the foyer.
Following the voice, John turned the corner -- and stopped dead in his tracks. Rodney slammed into his back and yelped, "Hey, watch it, did you forget how to walk in the one point five seconds it took you to-- Jesus Christ on a cracker."
Elon had led them directly to a man who was wearing a white robe and sandals. His long hair and beard were both light brown. The expression on his face was peaceful. John had been to a lot of strange planets during his brief stint in this galaxy, but this was one of the few times he was dumbstruck by what he saw.
"Hello, my children," said the man. He rose from his polished wooden throne and spread his arms. "Welcome to Eternia. I am the Master of the Universe. How may I help you?"
From the way they greeted him, Ronon and Teyla didn't seem to think anything was odd, but Rodney pulled John away by the back of his tac vest.
"Cowboy planet, lumberjacks, son of God," he whispered, ticking them off his fingers. "Where the hell are we?"
"This is like all my childhood fantasies and nightmares rolled into one," John whispered back. "Except this time I'm not wearing hotpants."
"Is that part of the nightmare or part of the fantasy?" Rodney asked suspiciously.
Teyla bowed her head at the Master of the Universe. "Thank you for welcoming us on your world. We are in search of a device, and were wondering if you might help us locate it."
He gestured for them all to sit at a long table that sat before his throne. The set up reminded John of the Tower's "throne room" on the planet with the Ancient city, except instead of a room with stained glass and marble floors the Master of the Universe's court had wooden floors and walls, and a fireplace on the left-hand wall. It was more like a house than a palace.; John wondered if the guy lived on the other three floors.
John and Teyla each took a seat; after throwing Ronon and Rodney a glare or two, the rest of their team followed. John started yet another round of introductions: "I'm Lieutenant Co--"
"I know who you are, Lieutenant Colonel Sheppard," the Master of the Universe said, expression shifting from open to wary, and John stiffened. "I was told of your arrival the moment you entered my village. Who you are doesn't concern me as much as why you are here. Why are you here?"
"We have come to ask your permission to allow us into your ancestral temples," Teyla asked.
The Master of the Universe looked startled. "You ask permission to pray to our gods?"
"Oh please," Rodney murmured under his breath.
"I am afraid not," Teyla said calmly, as if she hadn't heard Rodney. "We are hoping your temples contain a... sacred relic, of which we are in great need. It would have been put in your temples a long, long time ago."
John leaned forward, catching the man's eye. "It would really mean a lot to us if you'd give us permission. We promise we won't touch anything but our, uh, sacred zero point module." He gave his best, most innocent smile (the one that almost always worked on Elizabeth, but never on General Landry), but the Master of the Universe looked perplexed. His mouth puckered like he'd bitten into something sour, which really wasn't the response John had been hoping for. Maybe he was losing his touch.
A hand on his shoulder abruptly pulled him back. "Christ, Sheppard, tone it down," Rodney whispered in his ear.
John frowned. "What?"
"You need to be more careful here," Ronon quietly said to him.
"I'm not acting any differently than I always act," John hissed.
"Exactly," Rodney murmured.
Rodney's breath was warm on John's cheek, and he felt a twinge of disappointment when Rodney sat up straight again. The Master of the Universe's gaze flickered between the two of them, and, if it was possible, he looked even more leery.
"Look," Rodney said, "all we want is what's in the temple. It's important to us, and completely useless to you. Just let us in; we'll be gone before you know it."
Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Teyla stiffen. He discreetly kicked Rodney in the shins. "Like I said, it would really mean a lot to us," he said, as Rodney's face reddened.
The Master of the Universe gave him a look. "You would be interested in allying with us?"
John wasn't sure how to answer that. "Well..."
"Our leader would be willing to discuss an alliance with you," Teyla said, much to John's relief. "After we have received our sacred relic."
"I would like to return your artifact to you, but I'm concerned you will go back on your word and rob us," said the Master of the Universe. "Our temples are filled with many riches, you understand. People have tried to steal from us before."
Ronon slammed a hand on the table, causing everyone to jump. "I give you my oath, on the Warrior's Code of Sham-lok Cha, we won't take anything but what belongs to us."
The Master of the Universe regarded Ronon with respect. "That is a powerful statement," he said.
"You have my warrior's whatever too," John offered, puffing out his chest.
"That is a great insult coming from someone like you," said the Master of the Universe. A look of disdain that strong looked really weird coming from someone who looked like John's so-called personal Lord and Saviour.
"Hey, my hair naturally does this," John protested. Rodney sent him a disbelieving look and mouthed, "What?" John pointedly ignored him.
"It's okay, he'll do what I say," Ronon said. He slung an arm across the back of Teyla's chair, looking smug. "McKay's my scientist, Teyla's my woman, and Sheppard's my man-servant. I'm the one really in charge here. So it's okay if we go to your temples now, right?"
John was going to kill Ronon as soon as they found the ZPM.
"Ronon," Teyla snapped, as Rodney sputtered. John was still too bewildered to say anything. "I am not your woman."
The Master of the Universe nodded at Ronon. "This is acceptable to me. Make sure he doesn't put his filthy hands on anything."
"Now you have proof Jesus really does hate you," Rodney whispered, and John grit his teeth.
*
The way to the temple was bright and sunny. Rodney was absolutely miserable. The sun was warm and shining (sunburn), the field was dotted with blue and yellow flowers (allergies), and the air was full of butterflies and insects zipping around (West Nile and Malaria). The worst part was Sheppard was clearly lost and leading them around in circles, despite the temples being huge and obvious. He didn't understand how this man had ever fought in a war. Or how he managed to get from his quarters to the control room every day. One morning Rodney was going to wake up to Sheppard calling for help over the radio, saying he'd been on his way to the washroom and had somehow ended up in a flooded corridor.
"I can't believe you got us lost," Rodney grumbled. "Oh wait, yes, I can."
Sheppard looked at him. He was wearing his sunglasses, but Rodney could tell he was glaring. "We're not lost. We just... took the long way. I know exactly where we're going."
"Next planet, I'm leading," Ronon muttered.
Rodney glanced down at the life signs detector. "I'm still not picking up any energy spikes. Teyla, you're sure--?"
"As I said before, I am sure this is the correct location," Teyla interrupted sharply.
It took them nearly two hours to reach the nearest temple, a stone ziggurat surrounded by old, gnarled trees that were probably infested with all sorts of diseases. And ticks. Rodney was so going to get Lyme Disease from this excursion.
"Still not reading anything," he announced.
"Maybe the stone's blocking the signal," Sheppard suggested. Rodney glanced up, mouth already open, but the way the sunlight hit Sheppard's face and hair as he gazed into the distance, like a work of art, caused Rodney to completely forget what he was going to say.
They were almost to the door of the temple when the largest tree beside it began to shake. A figure dropped from the branches, head bowed, covered in moss and leaves. Rodney jumped back behind Teyla and Ronon, yelping. In a very manly way, of course.
"What took you so long?" asked a familiar voice.
It was none other than Aiden Ford, former lieutenant in the US Marine Corps and current Wraith enzyme abuser. He had leaves in his afro, and his clothes (leather, of course, although they were obscured by mud, moss, and twigs) were wrinkled and looked slept-in, but the fresh face and creepy black eye were definitely Ford's. He peered at them all and grinned.
"Ford!" Rodney, Sheppard, and Teyla exclaimed at once, but each in a different tone. Rodney didn't think Sheppard's half-hopeful cry or Teyla's surprised shout meant what Rodney's "Ford" did, which was, "Oh my God, everyone back to the gate before we get murdered by a junkie space pirate." Ronon, at least, pulled out his gun and aimed it at Ford's head, but Ford didn't look concerned.
In fact, he looked pissed. That was probably from the Wraith enzyme. He was probably high out of his mind right now. "Come on, guys, I've been sitting in that tree for three days. What the hell were you doing? It's a fifteen minute walk from the stargate!"
"Sheppard got us lost," Ronon said.
"I did not," Sheppard snapped. To Ford, he asked, "What are you doing here? I thought-- we thought you died on that hiveship."
With a disgusted look, Ford picked a green bug out of his afro. "Nope, still alive and kicking. Did you seriously get lost, Colonel? Look at this. I had to start eating bugs and twigs to survive. Nature's disgusting." He held the insect out towards Sheppard.
"Ew," said Sheppard, recoiling.
"Didn't you used to live in a cave?" Ronon asked Ford.
Suddenly it made sense to Rodney why none of the morons on this planet had known anything about an energy source. It wasn't that they were too primitive to recognize it; it had never been here to begin with. "You lured us here," he accused, "for some-- for some nefarious purpose, didn't you?"
"Why do we keep falling for this?" Sheppard groaned.
"This is a trap?" Teyla demanded. "But I was told explicitly there was a zero point module on this world. These words came from Bartholeminus himself."
No one knew what that meant. Everyone shifted awkwardly.
"My second cousin," she added, sounding irritated she had to remind them.
"Yeah, him," Sheppard said, "with the hair and the-- eyes, and the-- Yeah, I remember Bartholemy. What a guy."
"Bartholeminus," Teyla corrected.
"Can we get back to me?" Ford asked. He struck a dangerous pose. Although the moss and the mud really detracted from whatever evilness he was trying to project. He smirked at the team. "You were told what I wanted you to be told."
Ronon bared his teeth. "Why'd you want us here?"
That was a good question. An excellent question, really, and Rodney's chest tightened as he was torn between being outraged and terrified. Ford had left Atlantis, he couldn't just show up whenever he felt like it and coerce them into helping him destroy the Wraith. It didn't work that way.
Ford smiled at them. For a moment, he looked like his old self. "I was remembering some of the good times we used to have. Even after all this time, I still remember every little detail about you guys. Colonel Sheppard likes things that go fast. Teyla likes feeling useful. McKay likes..." Ford's grin now was different from before; a cold shiver ran down Rodney's back. This wasn't the Ford who'd help them first explore the Pegasus Galaxy, the kid he, Sheppard, and Teyla had teased. This was the guy who'd gone planet to planet looking for Wraith to fight, hopped up on drugs. Ford was wild and unpredictable, and Rodney didn't know what would happen if Ford shot him up with the enzyme again. Detox had nearly killed him the first time.
The memory of that particular adventure caused his rage to flare up again. "You knew us pretty well when you kidnapped us, almost turned us into drug addicts, and forced us to take part in your suicide mission," he said, patience running out.
"What I mean is, we were tight."
"Ford," Sheppard started, sounding pained.
"And the thing is, being your teammate and all... I know all your secrets. Granted, some were easier to figure out than others," he added, glancing at Rodney again with that weird black eye.
"What does that have to do with bringing us here?" Sheppard asked, face scrunching up in confusion.
Ford turned to Rodney. "I want you to make me something." He reached into his coat; Sheppard, Ronon, and Teyla jumped, bringing up their P-90s, but Ford merely drew out a rolled up piece of what appeared to be parchment paper and handed it to Rodney.
Rodney took it gingerly. It was heavier and thicker than it looked; he had no idea what could be on it. Ford had a degree in Psychology, for Christ's sake. He didn't know how to build anything outside of what the USMC had taught him. Which meant, Rodney thought sourly, it was probably plans for a bomb. "What is this?" he asked warily.
"Well, I was on Manara, and I got in this barfight, and when I woke up after the concussion I had this great idea. --"
"As is how all great plans are borne," Rodney said sarcastically.
"--Wouldn't it be nice if instead of having to go out and find a Wraith, I could capture one and take the enzyme whenever I need it?"
Rodney sneered, "If you think I'm helping you support your habit, you're out of your fucking mind."
Ford, faster than Rodney could have imagined -- although he should have imagined this, because Ford was on the Pegasus version of steroids, and was probably having some sort of drug-induced fit -- threw an arm around Sheppard's neck. With his other hand he pressed a Genii-style gun to Sheppard's temple. It all happened in the blink of an eye; Ronon and Teyla, with matching dumbfounded expressions, raised their weapons, but they didn't fire. Even Rodney's impressive brain stuttered to a halt.
"What the hell are you doing?" Sheppard demanded. He started to push back against Ford, but Ford's arm visibly tightened around him.
"You're building this for me, McKay," Ford announced threateningly. "I need it."
"What you need is to let me go," Sheppard growled.
Rodney finally found his voice. "Ford, you're freaking out. How many fingers am I holding up? Do you need a glass of water?"
"Ford, this isn't the way to get what you want," Sheppard said.
"Let him go," Ronon demanded, pointing his gun directly at the two of them.
"If you shoot, you will hurt John," Teyla said, grabbing Ronon's arm.
Sheppard began: "Yeah, Ronon, that's not really--"
"It's set to stun," Ronon replied.
"No!" Rodney shouted, and Teyla yelled, "Wait, Ronon!" But he didn't listen to them; before they could do anything to stop him, he'd pulled out his gun and shot Ford. And because Ford's arm was still around his neck, Sheppard.
Sheppard sagged, unconscious. Ford was the only thing keeping him upright. The same Ford who was very obviously not stunned by Ronon's pistol.
"Oh," Ronon said. He studied his gun. "Hmm."
"He's on the enzyme, you moron," Rodney exclaimed.
"Hey, thanks, this makes things a lot easier," said Ford. Sheppard's head rolled back onto his shoulder; Ford adjusted his grip to wrap around Sheppard's waist instead of around his neck. For an instant, Rodney felt stupidly, ridiculously jealous of Ford. "See, McKay, I told you, we were friends. I know all your secrets. And to make sure you build this thing that's really important to me, I'm taking away the thing that's most important to you, the thing I know you don't want to live without."
"My intelligence?" Rodney asked in horror.
Ford stared at him. "No, Sheppard. Jeeze, are things exactly the same as they were last time we met?"
"Pretty much," Ronon replied.
"Yes, it is quite sad," Teyla said.
Ford shook his head. "I know you'll do whatever you can to get the Colonel back, McKay. You have one week to build what I need, or else I'll kill him. Or maybe I'll hand him over to the Genii; I haven't really thought about it yet."
Rodney went cold all over. "You wouldn't do that!"
Growling, Ronon started to move towards him, but Ford took a step back. "I'll shoot him before you can shoot me," he warned. "Faster reflexes, remember?"
Ford hefted Sheppard over his shoulder like he weighed nothing. Granted, Sheppard was skinny, but it wasn't like he was the size of a child (or Major Lorne). Rodney remembered how strong he'd been on the double dose of the enzyme, how he'd known he could have easily killed Ford's goons with his bare hands without even trying. Ford could probably snap Sheppard in half like a twig. But that wasn't what he did; instead he gave the team one last grin and dashed into the cluster of trees surrounding the temple.
Ronon made a feral sound in his throat and took off after him, Teyla at his heels.
Rodney gaped at the spot where his teammates had been before chasing after them. There was no way he could catch up to Ford -- he couldn't run as fast as Ronon and Teyla, with their crazy Pegasus genes that somehow gave them bodies of Olympic triathalon competitors -- but there had to be something he could do to stop Ford from taking Sheppard God-knew-where. Anything. He was a genius, after all, surely he could come up with something.
He couldn't have been running for more than five minutes when he heard the gate activate. Wow, it really was only a fifteen minute walk.
Ronon stepped out from behind a tree, chest heaving from exertion. Rodney wiped the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand and demanded, "Where--?"
"He pulled John through the stargate," Ronon said grimly.
*
Their arrival in Atlantis wasn't pleasant. It reminded Rodney of when Sheppard had been captured by Kolya, except this time a) they knew who had him, and b) it was all Rodney's fault. He was extremely, painfully aware of that last part in particular. Teyla and Ronon were looking sombre and ferocious, respectively; as soon as they received back up, they could find Ford and tear him limb from limb if they wanted. Rodney, on the other hand, felt nauseated with terror.
"We need Marines," he announced the second the wormhole closed behind them. "Ten, no, twenty of the toughest Marines in the city, at least two puddlejumpers, and the biggest guns we can find." He cupped a hand around his mouth and shouted up to the control room: "Campbell, you hoser, see if you can locate Colonel Sheppard's subcutaneous tracking device."
"Uh, sure thing," Campbell yelled back.
"Would using your radio not be easier?" Teyla asked.
"No, it would not," he said snidely.
Elizabeth came running down the stairs. He met her halfway; she spun around to follow him up to the gate room. "Rodney, what's going on? Where's John?"
He leaned over Campbell's shoulder and usurped his workstation as Ronon and Teyla explained the situation to her. He couldn't believe this was happening. Actually, he could; these kinds of things always happened to him. Although how Ford knew about his stupid crush, he had no idea. He'd worked very hard to keep anyone, especially Sheppard, from finding out. It wasn't so much he feared losing Sheppard's friendship or having Sheppard make fun of him as it was he feared the crippling pain of rejection. He could handle people like the beautiful Samantha Carter saying no to him (over and over again), but when it was someone he truly wanted to be with, well. That was different.
Not that he was in love with Sheppard or anything, which was what Ford had been implying. The very idea was ridiculous. It was merely an infatuation. One which he'd been waiting three years to go away.
"So Ford was hiding in a tree," Elizabeth was saying when he snapped back into focus, "and then Ronon shot John."
"Yes," Teyla said.
"That about sums it up," Rodney agreed.
Ronon shifted silently, looking a little embarrassed.
Elizabeth tapped her radio. Her face was tight with worry. "Major Lorne, please come to the control room immediately. We have a situation."
Rodney said, "Elizabeth, that is without doubt the strangest planet I've ever been to. I cannot begin to tell you how bizarre it was. It looked, from the outside, like one of those Wild West amusement parks, but it was filled with-- with lumberjacks, of all things. Their leader -- who called himself the Master of the Universe, which is so wrong -- looked more than a little like Jesus. I suggest, in my official capacity as the smartest man in the city, and who are we kidding, the galaxy, no one from Atlantis ever visit Eternia again."
He was desperate to convey to her how fucked up the situation was. They needed to send someone after Ford now; while they were wasting time, Ford was probably taking Sheppard to a space rave. They were going to have to send Sheppard to rehab, and then Sheppard would become a Born Again Christian or something and then decide he wasn't gay anymore, and Rodney would have to watch him have sex with hot women instead of just tentacled energy aliens. Rodney's life was one never-ending crapfest.
"Was there any reason Ford chose that planet specifically?" Elizabeth asked.
Campbell glanced up at Rodney. "I can't find Colonel Sheppard's signal on the long-range scanners," he said quietly.
Rodney was beginning to feel helpless. He couldn't stand feeling helpless. Being sad made him so angry. "I don't know," he told Elizabeth.
"Perhaps for the series of temples near the stargate," Teyla said. "He knew he could hide there and wait for us to arrive."
"He knew we'd go looking there first," Ronon added.
Teyla placed a hand on Rodney's arm. "Is there a way to use the data crystals to find out which address Lieutenant Ford dialed?"
"No," he answered, disgusted by the very suggestion. "Dialing an address leaves an imprint on the control crystals, but it's impossible to tell the order in which they were dialed. By the time we find which planet Ford went to, he'll most likely have moved on. Or are you forgetting our last team reunion?"
Teyla looked as frustrated as he felt. It was at that point Lorne came jogging into the control room, shrugging on his tac vest. "I got here as soon as I could. What's the problem?"
Teyla appeared to be about to leap into another long explanation, so Rodney beat her to it: "Colonel Sheppard was taken hostage and was lured -- well, not lured, more like carried -- through the gate by Ford. We have to find him before Ford does something unspeakable to him."
"How'd he get Colonel Sheppard to go through the gate with him?" Lorne asked, looking shocked.
Everyone looked at Ronon.
Ronon raised his eyebrows. "I was aiming for Ford," he said grumpily.
Lorne turned back to Rodney; as usual, Lorne only seemed to recognize he had something useful to contribute when the situation was dire. "What did the Lieutenant want?"
With a jolt of surprise, Rodney remembered the blueprints still clutched in his left hand. "Oh, right, yes," he said, unrolling the paper, "he wanted--"
He took one look at the plans and felt his stomach bottom out. "Oh no."
*
When John returned to consciousness, the first thing he noticed was that he lying was on a stone floor. The second thing he noticed was that his entire body ached; he'd had enough embarrassing experiences being stunned to immediately recognize it as the cause. Being hit by a stun blast had never looked this painful on Star Trek, that's for sure. Groaning, he pressed his pounding forehead against the cold floor surface. "Ronon," he moaned, "you're so grounded for this."
"I see you're awake," said Ford.
John rolled onto his back, startled. Ford was here and his team was not. That was definitely not good. He was carefully pushing himself into a sitting position when he realized his hands and ankles were bound in front of him.
"What's with this?" he demanded. "What's going on? Ford?"
"Yeah, I guess you missed that conversation, didn't you," Ford said. He pushed aside his leather jacket to kneel next to John, who had finally managed to sit up. "Sorry, Colonel, but taking you was the only way I could be sure McKay would make me my Enzyme O' Matic. As soon as he delivers it, I'll let you go back to Atlantis."
John wasn't sure which part of that explanation bothered him more. "And if he doesn't?"
"Then I'll sell you for drug money," Ford said frankly.
John grimaced. "You're sounding uncomfortably like my father."
Ford looked surprised. "Wow, sir, you have parents? Is your mom hot?"
"Ford, I'm, like, forty," John said.
"So... no?" Ford asked.
*
"Ford-- he-- he tricked me," Rodney gasped, horrified, holding the so-called blueprints away from his body. "These aren't blueprints, they're the scribblings of a madman. This was an elaborate ruse to capture Sheppard and keep him for himself! Or worse, hand him over to someone else. Oh God, you don't think he sold Sheppard into sex slavery, do you?" He spun to face his remaining teammates. "Why didn't one of you shoot him the minute we saw him? What use are you?"
"Rodney, please calm down before you say something you may regret," Teyla said, the tone of her voice implying Rodney was supposed to be regretting a lot already.
But he couldn't calm down, because Ford had given him a crude drawing of a syringe with a pump at the end. Nothing about it was scientific. Instead, it looked like something he'd expect from Loony Tunes. Every individual part was labeled, but with words like, 'long ass needle' and 'enzyme sucker'; the outline of the suction device itself was drawn in a style similar to a child's. Sheppard's life depended on this?
Ronon pulled the blueprints out of Rodney's hands and studied them. "Seems obvious to me. He wants you to build this thing that burrows into the Wraith's arm and takes the enzyme without killing it. You can build that, right?"
Rodney snatched the plans back. "No, I cannot build that. Do I look like I know anything about Wraith physiology to you? The only way I could make something to extract the enzyme from a Wraith without killing it would be if I had a Wraith to experiment on." He paused. "We couldn't get a Wraith, could we?"
"No!" Elizabeth said.
"Worth a try," he muttered.
Less than fifteen minutes later, Lorne, Teyla, and Ronon were heading back through the gate -- without him. That was because Lorne was a moron who still, to this very day, despite all they'd been through, didn't realize Rodney couldn't sit around and twiddle his thumbs while Sheppard was being held captive by a crazy person. And something about how the last time Sheppard had been kidnapped and they'd gone looking for him, the only thing Rodney had taken out was a rat. When Lorne had said no to his going with them (his exact words had been, "God no"), Rodney had said, "But it's my-- team leader. Type. Person. Who's been kidnapped," and Lorne had just sort of... squinted at him like he knew all about Rodney's stupid, stupid feelings.
He felt ridiculous and useless standing beside Elizabeth as his teammates and five hulking Marines disappeared through the event horizon.
"Welcome to my life," Elizabeth told him, looking at him sympathetically.
"I'm only worried because the Colonel's desire to be cool makes him easily susceptible to peer pressure," he snapped.
There was no way he was going to be able to stand there until Lorne returned. So he did what any other sane, well-adjusted person would do in a situation like this: he went to Sheppard's quarters and pretended he could detect a trace of cheap aftershave in the air.
Rodney looked at the surfboard Sheppard never used, the guitar he probably didn't know how to play, the model airplanes he was stupidly proud of, the sheer, sparkly curtains he-- actually, Rodney had no idea what those were about. Sheppard's golf clubs were propped up in a corner. On his desk were his aromatherapy candles, organized by colour and scent, and normally Rodney would find that ridiculously anal and worry about Sheppard's deteriorating mental state, but now it just made him sad. Which then, of course, made him angry. It was a vicious cycle of rage and melancholy.
Zelenka's voice came over his radio: "Rodney? Where are you? Dr Weir said there is an emergency."
"I'm in Colonel Sheppard's quarters," he replied.
A few minutes later, Zelenka came bustling in through the door. He had his tablet in one hand. "What is going on? Why are we in John's room? And how did he get curtains that match his bedspread so well?"
Rodney wanted to punch someone. Like maybe Ford. Except hitting things inevitably led to bruised knuckles and him getting his ass handed to him. "Sheppard got taken by Lieutenant Ford. He wants me to build him this contraption so he can extract the enzyme from a Wraith without killing it."
Zelenka gaped. "But why did he take John?"
"For his great conversation skills. Why do you think? To ensure I would follow his instructions."
Zelenka started pulling something up on his tablet. "Can we track him using--?"
"No." Rodney's shoulders stooped. "I've already tried it. Either Ford has removed the subcutaneous tracker, or he's taken Sheppard somewhere underground."
"Maybe Major Lorne will find him," Zelenka said hopefully.
*
"We couldn't find him," said Lorne.
He had the decency to look embarrassed. Teyla, however, looked murderous, and Ronon's left eye was twitching. Rodney didn't know what his expression was like, but Lorne glanced over at him and hastily added, "Sorry."
Elizabeth pressed her palms flat against the tabletop. Rodney had seen her do that particular gesture enough times to know she was mentally counting to ten. "Teyla," she asked, "what did your contacts say?"
Teyla's lips thinned. "We traced the chain of information back to what appeared to be the original source. Unfortunately, it seems the person to whom Ford originally gave the false information was killed shortly after passing it along. I believe Ford himself killed this man to prevent us from finding him."
"No one else we spoke to on the planet had seen or heard from Ford," Lorne continued. "Although one or two did have some, uh, colourful things to say about Colonel Sheppard."
"What kinds of things?" Rodney asked, appalled. How dare those backwards, unwashed, self-absorbed, Jesus freaks say anything bad about Sheppard!
"They thought he was a little gay," Lorne said.
"Oh," Rodney said, "well."
"I think it's time to ask our allies if they've heard anything," Elizabeth said, narrowing her eyes.
"With all due respect, Dr Weir, I don't think that's going to do any good," Lorne replied.
Lorne, Elizabeth, and Teyla began arguing all at once. But their bickering was pointless, because Rodney knew what he had to do.
He carefully rolled up his sleeves and stood. Lorne broke off his argument to stare at him; soon Elizabeth and Teyla were doing the same. "Someone get me a syringe, a Slinky, and a funnel," Rodney said firmly. "I have an Enzyme O' Matic to build."
Part Two