on my relationship with lj, etc.
at a party on saturday i was accused of never writing here, which is by-and-large true, save for coordination posts and things that i keep for myself. as catherine noted (at that same event), even when i used to bother to write something here it tended to be rather cryptic anyway.
i admit, i keep my lj these days mostly to keep track of people i care about. there's not a lot of sharing on my end going on. some of that, i think, is due to my feelings of rustiness in the writing department (eg that my prose sucks); some of that is due to my inordinate predilection towards privacy. the more people i know here that i know in real life, the less free i am to write - lj is no longer a vast blackness that is receiving my thoughtlets. with that has also gone the notion that i'll meet kindred spirits through my writing - and the allure of the proverbial brain-in-the-jar intellectual connection bit has all but disappeared. the signal-to-noise ratio on the internet has changed, as has my relationship with it, and that's okay. these are necessary and natural evolutionary steps; things which should be noted, if not necessarily mourned.
there are, of course, other contributing factors: i dislike the fact that lj has been sold to the russians, and that my early adopter status no longer confers the same icon or picture hosting priveleges; the ads on the site annoy the heck out of me and make things less... erudite? pure? romantic? something.
and it doesn't help that i've had a latent distaste for my lj format for at least the last year or so, but have been too lazy to fix it. everything speaks of an older me, who, while still me, is someone i'm a bit far from. while everything is still true to some facet of my former self, were i asked to list out my interests today, they'd be different that those currently captured by lj. given how little time i have, i'm not sure that this is what i want to spend my time fixing. there's that whole path dependency thing, and occasionally i poke at things on the margins. but to make me feel better about lj i really do need a full overhaul. it's just not that high on the priority list.
too, while i've always been a closed person, i've noted of late that the minutae of what i obsess over really isn't all that interesting to my friends anymore. at least the things that i feel prompted to talk about.
i don't talk when i don't feel like i have something in particular to contribute to the conversation; the internet is no different. if it's not pretty or relevant or of interest, why bother? i'm just not moved to speak.
part of me is also coming to terms with the fact that i really just don't have that much to talk about. when i was younger i used writing as a tool to come to terms with things which seemed like major life events; now as we're older things don't test our hearts or souls on so simple a basis. our trials are systemic and endemic, and while an event might trigger some analysis or some deeper thoughts, it's the day to
day trials versus the big DRAMATIC EVENTS of youth which shape us now. different types of formative experiences necessitate different coping mechanisms.
things i've been turning over the most in my head due to prevalence: work, politics, traveling, relationships. and, let's be frank folks, i write about these a lot when i bother to write with few new revelations. and my insights really aren't all that interesting that they warrant more turning over in the public sphere.
on work: most folks aren't interested in my career, and it's generally viewed as annoying when people talk about work all the time anyway, at least on anything more than general terms and meta-observations. i was talking ten year reunion with some close friends last night, and y'know, i guess my career path sounds semi-impressive on paper. i'm on my way, and it's important to me (enough so that it's impacted my relationships and personal life). i still don't feel like i'm doing enough (reference: alison's save-the-world complex). get into stuff beyond that, and the glaze start appearing.
on politics: i don't really see the point in (me) arguing about these right now. i've still got my share of righteous indignation, and more than my fair share of general amazement/disbelief at folks on the other side of the aisle. my first blush reaction to those on the right isn't constructive, and the last eight years have been really, really damaging to my ability to talk about the republicans in any sort of good faith, and my ability to put myself back in those shoes is pretty close to shattered. the dirty secret is this: i'm a former republican, and i have a number of friends who still are. i just find it so frustrating, and so hard to "go there" as part of a conversation which isn't two people arguing past each other, so i avoid it. underneath it all, i've got a small snotty streak of self righteousness from my "i grew up and out of that" experience with republicanism + the fact that i really can't bring myself to see the majority of the republican platform planks as anything other than offensively selfish or patently ridiculous. and that's not helpful or fair to anyone.
and to offend the sensibilities of my otherwise inclined friends: i'm one of those sacreligious liberals who can't bring herself to believe that obama is all that and a bag of chips. i remain an idealist in a lot of ways, and continue to try to act in idealistic ways - but i'm a little short on political hope, and need some other things to get me through the day. don't get me wrong - i'll volunteer for his campaign at some point. but i'm too disillusioned and cynical to be excited by it.
on traveling: traveling still moves me enough to write about it. i just don't do it enough. either the travelling or the taking the time to reflect about it.
and then there's boys.
i'd hate to ever define myself by my relationships with men, but i seem to do an inordinate amount of writing/thinking about it.
i have (at last count) four weddings to attend next year; and in terms of life experiences this can't but help throw into relief that i'm a bit behind the proverbial curve in this aspect of personal development.
i've never lived with someone i was admittedly seeing, never had a relationship last more than a few years.
ant asked me: don't you ever get lonely? and of course i do. but that doesn't mean i'm ready to settle for the first thing that comes around, or the loneliness that happens when you're with someone who is wrong for you. nor do i want to be with someone for whom i'd be those things.
i've got my bravado and my principles. but that doesn't mean it's easy. dating is weird and foreign and hard, and one of those rights of passage i feel like most of the people i'm close to never really went through as adults; not for prolonged periods of time at least, having been lucky enough to find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with at a pretty early age or relatively quickly after entering the scene. as a rule of thumb, tj kids tended to have relationships, not dates (i was no exception). so it's hard to find perspective on this from my peer group.
casual dating, seeing more than one person at a time, physicality without emotion - it's hard to navigate through all this crap when the people you interact with on that level have different value systems and expectations. kissing always used to mean something, you know? and now that we're older, there are more pronounced pitfalls in what people are looking for and needing from relationships, and where they are and where they're going in life.
anyway: i think the point of this entry is that i feel a little broken recordy.
what in the heck did i stay up all night talking with people about in high school, anyway?
i miss that voice, that sense of discovery, and that ability to share. so have a brain dump.
i admit, i keep my lj these days mostly to keep track of people i care about. there's not a lot of sharing on my end going on. some of that, i think, is due to my feelings of rustiness in the writing department (eg that my prose sucks); some of that is due to my inordinate predilection towards privacy. the more people i know here that i know in real life, the less free i am to write - lj is no longer a vast blackness that is receiving my thoughtlets. with that has also gone the notion that i'll meet kindred spirits through my writing - and the allure of the proverbial brain-in-the-jar intellectual connection bit has all but disappeared. the signal-to-noise ratio on the internet has changed, as has my relationship with it, and that's okay. these are necessary and natural evolutionary steps; things which should be noted, if not necessarily mourned.
there are, of course, other contributing factors: i dislike the fact that lj has been sold to the russians, and that my early adopter status no longer confers the same icon or picture hosting priveleges; the ads on the site annoy the heck out of me and make things less... erudite? pure? romantic? something.
and it doesn't help that i've had a latent distaste for my lj format for at least the last year or so, but have been too lazy to fix it. everything speaks of an older me, who, while still me, is someone i'm a bit far from. while everything is still true to some facet of my former self, were i asked to list out my interests today, they'd be different that those currently captured by lj. given how little time i have, i'm not sure that this is what i want to spend my time fixing. there's that whole path dependency thing, and occasionally i poke at things on the margins. but to make me feel better about lj i really do need a full overhaul. it's just not that high on the priority list.
too, while i've always been a closed person, i've noted of late that the minutae of what i obsess over really isn't all that interesting to my friends anymore. at least the things that i feel prompted to talk about.
i don't talk when i don't feel like i have something in particular to contribute to the conversation; the internet is no different. if it's not pretty or relevant or of interest, why bother? i'm just not moved to speak.
part of me is also coming to terms with the fact that i really just don't have that much to talk about. when i was younger i used writing as a tool to come to terms with things which seemed like major life events; now as we're older things don't test our hearts or souls on so simple a basis. our trials are systemic and endemic, and while an event might trigger some analysis or some deeper thoughts, it's the day to
day trials versus the big DRAMATIC EVENTS of youth which shape us now. different types of formative experiences necessitate different coping mechanisms.
things i've been turning over the most in my head due to prevalence: work, politics, traveling, relationships. and, let's be frank folks, i write about these a lot when i bother to write with few new revelations. and my insights really aren't all that interesting that they warrant more turning over in the public sphere.
on work: most folks aren't interested in my career, and it's generally viewed as annoying when people talk about work all the time anyway, at least on anything more than general terms and meta-observations. i was talking ten year reunion with some close friends last night, and y'know, i guess my career path sounds semi-impressive on paper. i'm on my way, and it's important to me (enough so that it's impacted my relationships and personal life). i still don't feel like i'm doing enough (reference: alison's save-the-world complex). get into stuff beyond that, and the glaze start appearing.
on politics: i don't really see the point in (me) arguing about these right now. i've still got my share of righteous indignation, and more than my fair share of general amazement/disbelief at folks on the other side of the aisle. my first blush reaction to those on the right isn't constructive, and the last eight years have been really, really damaging to my ability to talk about the republicans in any sort of good faith, and my ability to put myself back in those shoes is pretty close to shattered. the dirty secret is this: i'm a former republican, and i have a number of friends who still are. i just find it so frustrating, and so hard to "go there" as part of a conversation which isn't two people arguing past each other, so i avoid it. underneath it all, i've got a small snotty streak of self righteousness from my "i grew up and out of that" experience with republicanism + the fact that i really can't bring myself to see the majority of the republican platform planks as anything other than offensively selfish or patently ridiculous. and that's not helpful or fair to anyone.
and to offend the sensibilities of my otherwise inclined friends: i'm one of those sacreligious liberals who can't bring herself to believe that obama is all that and a bag of chips. i remain an idealist in a lot of ways, and continue to try to act in idealistic ways - but i'm a little short on political hope, and need some other things to get me through the day. don't get me wrong - i'll volunteer for his campaign at some point. but i'm too disillusioned and cynical to be excited by it.
on traveling: traveling still moves me enough to write about it. i just don't do it enough. either the travelling or the taking the time to reflect about it.
and then there's boys.
i'd hate to ever define myself by my relationships with men, but i seem to do an inordinate amount of writing/thinking about it.
i have (at last count) four weddings to attend next year; and in terms of life experiences this can't but help throw into relief that i'm a bit behind the proverbial curve in this aspect of personal development.
i've never lived with someone i was admittedly seeing, never had a relationship last more than a few years.
ant asked me: don't you ever get lonely? and of course i do. but that doesn't mean i'm ready to settle for the first thing that comes around, or the loneliness that happens when you're with someone who is wrong for you. nor do i want to be with someone for whom i'd be those things.
i've got my bravado and my principles. but that doesn't mean it's easy. dating is weird and foreign and hard, and one of those rights of passage i feel like most of the people i'm close to never really went through as adults; not for prolonged periods of time at least, having been lucky enough to find someone they want to spend the rest of their life with at a pretty early age or relatively quickly after entering the scene. as a rule of thumb, tj kids tended to have relationships, not dates (i was no exception). so it's hard to find perspective on this from my peer group.
casual dating, seeing more than one person at a time, physicality without emotion - it's hard to navigate through all this crap when the people you interact with on that level have different value systems and expectations. kissing always used to mean something, you know? and now that we're older, there are more pronounced pitfalls in what people are looking for and needing from relationships, and where they are and where they're going in life.
anyway: i think the point of this entry is that i feel a little broken recordy.
what in the heck did i stay up all night talking with people about in high school, anyway?
i miss that voice, that sense of discovery, and that ability to share. so have a brain dump.