Sundered Faith, Part One (1/2)

[elfhawk]

First arc. But feel free to call me on any mistakes still left, I am totally okay with someone else's proofing. Provided all of your sentences use 'bless your heart.'

Updated 12/06/11

Comments

[carmenwoods]

“Are those what I think they are?” Petra asked, squinting. The creatures had likely been moving all night, but Carmen was the only one with the vision to see clearly in the darkness. Of late it seemed to have been sharpening even further.
Ha! It just occurred to me that the shadow thing is a great explanation (if the reader needs one) for why the effects of Odette's spell didn't fade with time or with her death. Of course, the other explanation could be that she's high enough level to establish some permanency with small spells, so the reader might not even have needed an explanation, but I like it anyway.

Selene Ailith tracked us down to the inn where we were staying the night
Tracked down at the inn

Question: wouldn't Athena have sensed the angry Earth Spirit straining its way out of the underground? Or is it a matter of plants are plants, but she's foreign to the land and would have to have spent time doing a ritual to commune with the local spirits to have picked up on it?

[elfhawk]

Odette has problems with casting spells on people- it requires a great deal of fine control, something she needs practice with. Otherwise she ends up with cases like Carmen- where the spell never wears off and her CNS develops to the point where it doesn't even need to tap into the magic to use the ability. (In my head, Odette has always had this problem with casting buffs and the like on other people because her first uses of magic totally screwed with siblings and she's got a psychosomatic block on the ability. (I keep thinking her brother used to be a sister. Less for the funny (which I don't really find it) and more for the 'this is a real problem with her' trauma

[carmenwoods]

Cool, thank you. I like all of that.

[carmenwoods]

Still reading through - I'm liking most of the new speech patterns you've given Edric, especially using gendered pronouns instead of "it", like "she" for Khoresbar. I would stay away from "'tis" in him, though - it confuses with Athena/Carmen's rusticness.

[carmenwoods]

Hokay, more notes!

“When each step we take takes us several kilometres, it is difficult for anyone to get close enough to try to rob us.”
(I'm sure the last thing you want to do is add MORE here, but it would be sort of cool to get a description of how the scenery around them appears as they travel this way.)

Thousands live here, and while my folding spell skips kilometres, we would have still have seen them in passing.”
(Maybe explicate that they would have seen them evacuating or fleeing in passing? Otherwise the location of the sentence is a little odd.)

“I doubt they sent us here with the intention to get us killed by whatever has driven the people to either hole up or flee.”
(Probably not a big deal, and I skipped over this on every prior read, too, but I sort of think it should be intention of getting us killed.)

“She’s not going to have any answers,” Petra dismissed.
(I think this exchange, while great, kind of stands all alone, if that makes sense. It raises some questions later, like, why would the girls still be there;

[elfhawk]

Skipping the first one for now (I'd have to think up how the landscape would look

[carmenwoods]

"seen any evacuees in passing" works great, yar.

Perhaps, "horrified at the accident that had caused/generated/granted/whatever"? Or, meh, it can does work anyway - Carmen just doesn't think elegant sentences.

And tossing the "we've been over this" in from Athena there would make it work much better, yay!

---
Additions!! I'm so happy!

“That worries me,” Odette said. Mantha flitted on silent wings after the girl.
("glided" would be more owl-like, but that's just me being damn picky, and I should be ignored. Though you do use "flitted" a second time a bit down the page.
Also though, how about "after the elf", or any other descriptor? I never came up with a good way to mention it, but you use "girl(s)" and "wom(e)n" so interchangeably throughout. I do want to say that I rather think the group should be "women" more often. They're seasoned adventurers, yo! Of course, feel free to mark this down as another place where I'm being damn picky and warrant ignoring.)“Not many,” Athena said, opening her eyes back up. “I could not give you

[carmenwoods]

Whoops:

“We have discussed this before,” Athena said, give Petra an annoyed look.