Sundered Faith, Part One (2/2)

[elfhawk]

So google docs isn't the only thing that hates lengthy word counts. I had forgotten LJ had a cut off. So continuing the first story arc...

Updated 12/06/11 Now with additional scene!

Comments

[pariahsdream]

The scene were Odette takes out the central room was very cinematic, I approve. Also I like the little throwaway bit about the legend behind the trolls' origin.

The girls manage to take out things in a very intelligent fashion, I'm impressed.

[elfhawk]

Intelligently with movie science, anyways. Fire would need a lot longer to damage stone, but that's why I added in Odette blowing the crap out of that really shiny room. Domino effect. *nods* (It's like Doctor Who. Just explain everything in really big words and throw quantum in a lot and shout and wave your arms when anyone disagrees.)

I was rather pleased with how that scene turned out. It's why it's my excerpt on my NaNo page. (Who doesn't love pretty girls blowing things up? It's even better than pretty men, because the ladies walk slo-mo with their hair swirling everywhere...)

Elf approves of your icon +5

[pariahsdream]

It was enough to bluff me (which admittedly, I'll give a lot to author/director/GM if they are trying to make it make sense in universe).

It seemed very appropriate. :D

[tkie]

I *loved* it. Badass.

And I love the way you make the girls sound so much like we used to when we were playing them. :D

[carmenwoods]

Yeah, maybe you could tell I have no idea what proper proofreading annotations are supposed to look like.

==

pointing out different rooms that still needed to be prepared.

She couldn’t say she was really surprised when they rounded the corner and one stood a short distance away, looking directly in their direction.
(Double direct!)

we can just mark this whole experience down as a reason why not to take jobs that look too good to be true.”

[elfhawk]

Those two directs weren't even in my corrections. I don't even know where that came from...

I like the why. Reason will just have to get the boot in the reword. (Also, correcting people-speak is always difficult when trying to keep someone's character coming across properly.)

[carmenwoods]

Yeah, it could have gone either way. I just crossed out the one I liked least my own self.

[carmenwoods]

She grinned, eyeing the contents of the bright room. Desecrating temples was always fun. And she’d be half a world away by the time anyone managed to clear up enough of the rubble to see what remained.
Haha.

[elfhawk]

You've got to plan these things through.

[carmenwoods]

Petra’s right about doing the top floor herself, she’ll need to light all three of the rope-connected pots, so she’ll be on the top already.”
(Again with the nitpicking old stuff that I've read dozens of times but only now decided to mention: maybe something to indicate that those are three *series* of rope-connected pots? Otherwise it's like, hunh, all that work for just three pots, eh?)

Quickly spinning to face the other two, she repeated the motion. More lightning struck downwards, summoned by her magic.
(Since you did mention earlier Odette needing to speak her spells, maybe throw in some lip movements there? This is a beautifully cinematic scene the way it is, and I love it, but she hasn't had much in the way of verbal components. I only mention it for consistency's sake.)

She could hardly imagine the size of the beast a roar like that would require.
(Do you know, when I first read this last year, I thought, "Tarrasque!!" with such delight I might have actually audibly squealed?)

[elfhawk]

Series works better than sets does, doesn't it? Series implies length, set's more of a grouping.

Odette doesn't use words for all of her magic,so bleh, cinematics stay as they are. She doesn't need to set spells to words like Petra does, they just narrow her focus down better. (Think of her like Garion did replacing the alchemist's door. He just stares and says 'Door', much to the other sorcerors' horror.)

That would've been too obvious! Are Tarrasque found underground? I had no monster particularly in mind at first- just ungodly powerful and pissed as hell. And nomming on tasty trolls. And the idea in the back of my mind that I should leave it vague here because it's part of the conspiracy.

[carmenwoods]

Man, I should re-read the Belgariad one of these days. So full of camp, and so full of fun!

Vagueness totally works, I just know I was delighted by having a tremendous bellowing monster of any flavor. I think the tarrasque is supposed to be slumbering underground somewhere. Not sure!