Sundered Fath, Part Two (1/2)

[elfhawk]

Next up, moving on to the country of Telubra. Because those Sunds are crazy people and the less time spent there, the better.

Too bad it's worse in Telubra.
Updated 12/06/11

Comments

[carmenwoods]

Yates has all the best lines.

[elfhawk]

I had fun with him. I take it the dancing naked and throwing peppers line pleased you?

[carmenwoods]

I always admire the capacity for creative metaphors. :D

[pariahsdream]

Personally I enjoyed the bit about the twins arguing over which of the ladies slept in their beds. Although if the girls pushed them together, they might all be able to squish in together given how small three of them are. ;P

Athena shook her head in disagreement. “The weather gets worth the further north you go. The lowlands is where the fighting is.”

Worse.

Good job on the dialect. You have a good rhythm to the words and there was only one or two times where you might've overexaggerated (though not to Puddin'head Wilson levels thankfully).

P.S. Yates makes me think of Bobby from Supernatural. :D

[elfhawk]

Flavor text conversation makes everything fun. Though something tells me not all of the girls are, um, quiet sleepers. As an elf, Petra got to sit lotus-style somewhere for her meditations and did not have to worry about it. (I figured Tae and Athena cuddled up in one bed because they are touchy-feely cousins like that, but who knows? It is a mystery whose answer really isn't important beyond bragging rights for the twins. (Because Athena is pretty like that. *nods

[pariahsdream]

I just meant that the dialogue itself from a reader's standpoint you might want to watch just due to having to untangle the words from what they look like to what they are. <3

[tkie]

So, my word of the day is "bastle house." Pretty cool. Thanks for making me look something up. ;)

What was this sentence supposed to be, though? It's from the first time the girls talk to Yates.
"“We have woodswomen. They might speak to the land your crops from.”"

[elfhawk]

I don't even remember how I found bastle house. It wasn't wiki, I remember that. Some google search for types of old-fashioned farm houses.

"...Might speak to your crop fields." I kept going back and editing sentences because I didn't like the way they sounded, then forgot to delete all the words I'd replaced. (I moved wise to the beginning of a sentence because it flowed better, but half the replaced words were still there. Sigh.)

[carmenwoods]

"He's unlucky. If he were luckier, his bad luck would kill him. Instead, his bad luck makes his life miserable.”
(No typos here. Just wanted to mention that this is my favorite of Yates' dialogue.)

=====

They might speak to the land your crops from.”
(Slipped through your recent editing. XD)

“That has got to be the hugest eye sore for fifty miles,” Petra said in an awed voice.
(I think 'eyesore' is just one word.)

Most of the fighting is in the south, though some along the Berunga border on the east.

As a man of the earth, he would know better than her she(?) what the Telubrin land felt about its rulers.

[carmenwoods]

“Galfrid's kin have agreed to look after the fields for Willard's lands- he and his will be working this one and teaching Lucas the proper care procedures, the damn fool. For all that they're citified folk, Galfrid and his kin don't
...
“My daughters will work my fields while the boys and I do Willard's.
Still doubled up on Willard's land - Yates and the boys are actually working Galfrid's, yes? Er, wait. I mean Giles'. So convoluted!

[elfhawk]

Willard the first is now Deril. Mostly because Willard the second gets a couple more mentions. (Had to reread Part 2 and double-check with word finder to make certain I hadn't missed any. Had forgotten how much I adore Yates and his boys.)

(I see that Pokemon icon there. I am ashamed of you.)