Sundered Faith, Part Three (2/3)

[elfhawk]

So this arc needed to be divided into three parts because I kept not finding a stopping point.
Updated 12/10/11

Comments

[carmenwoods]

Bye, Vister. D:

[elfhawk]

If you rearrange the letters in Odferd and Leddish's names, you get 'fodder' and 'shield'. As in, meat shield. (Okay, shieldd, but whatever. It's clever, I tell you.)

[carmenwoods]

Ahaha, no, I hadn't noticed that. My brain never picks up on anagrams like that unless they're really easy. I also am totally the one who wouldn't catch on to the "classic" name-spelled-backwards disguise.

[elfhawk]

I feel like I should go hunt down a REDRUM icon. (It's from Stephen King. A creepy little kid keeps saying it and seeing it spelled out in bloody letters and such-like. One of the reveals in the story concerns a murder. Murders, really. It wasn't much of a surprise.)

I needed names for the boys. Meat and Shield obviously wouldn't work like they did when we ordered them around, but I did want to put a joke in there about it anyway. (How did we end up with 2 spare NPCs fighters, anyway? Messing around with a Deck of Many Things?)

[carmenwoods]

I bless the hearts of every typo I see.

===

He had not ingratiated himself to with any of the women.

Not one of the countless victims, but neither was it the actual god himself-

Was it really wise to use the energy of life that had grown in the shadow of a temple housing an immeasurable evil was wise?

From the air, it must look (like?) someone had punched a very big fist into the mountains.

Athena had managed to pull of the improbablye-

[elfhawk]

I am amused that you caught improbable but not *off* in that last sentence. XD *has corrected both in her main document*

[carmenwoods]

Haha, doh!

[elfhawk]

I do appreciate the proofreading. Makes the job easier when January comes. (I have this urge to double-space and print it and mark it with a red pen.)

[carmenwoods]

I find myself actually a little saddened that Odferd never gets a chance to grow out of his bigotry. But maybe I'm giving him too much credit and confusing him with a decent character with growth potential like Sokka.

In other news, every time Carmen mis-conjugates "to be", I hear it in a Dwarven accent. Much amusement is had.

[“Athena, no,” Tae said, her voice soft but commanding. “You are not yet recovered enough for a working of such size. And this is not one you could lead Carmen through to help you. It is beyond her abilities.”

“‘Tis why I said I would use the natural energies of the valley. I can do this, cousin.” Her voice was strong and determined. ]
(Athena leveled up !)

Quick note - it seems like near the end of the "trapped under masonry" conversation, Petra stops gasping for breath and slurring her words. It's a little bit jarring considering the atmosphere.

=====

Knowledge of arcane languages was not something Tae had needed to learn for her duties.
(Seems a little reduntantly worded, just imo.)On the opposite end

[elfhawk]

Stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancies! (Why do my two-wise sentences keep getting skipped? I have fixed those. Many times. There is some word imp going behind me and putting them back.)

Have fixed the Petra script. I'd been debating it, cuz I saw it myself, but she uses ten words when two would do and I couldn't figure out how to resolve the matter. Tell me if it reads better.

Bedroll looks funny. Though I went back and changed it because spellchecker said it was a real word. (Though spellchecker hates all my proper nouns and some of my verb forms because I conjugate better than it at times.)

Dwarves do have problems with 'to be', don't they? I've been using my customers as a basis for her speech patterns, actually. The 'not so hick I can't understand them' ones, anyway. (Have you seen Hot Fuzz? The old police officer and the guy with the sea mine? I have those customers. Dad handles them.) But perhaps you should just think she is a dwarf instead.

[carmenwoods]

Man, bedroll didn't look funny to me until now... D: Be-droll, indeed.

I just love me some accents of any flavor. Never have seen Hot Fuzz, though. Also, sometimes my brain will also read an Odette line in a Russian accent, particularly if it's a sentence that managed to avoid many articles.

The revised Petra line does seem a little thick, I agree... maybe try taking out the second 'I' in there, merge 'kind of' into 'kinda' and see if you like the flow better? ["I mean, think I woke up f'r a bit- kinda remember bashin' in y'r chin-"]

[elfhawk]

Every time I see bedroll, I see be-droll and wonder, wth are they smoking and why did spellchecker not see that?

Hot Fuzz has a goose break a man's arm. It is fun. It is every cop-buddy action film out there, complete with shameless homoerotic subtext. This is how you know it is a comedy. Because it acknowleges the fact that every buddy action film has it. (Also, because their cast is a who's who list of British comedians.)

Text changed again. Apostrophes annoyed me. Have changed it all to typos instead.

[carmenwoods]

"I fear no foe, for I am the will of my god. Let my blow be his and let him drive back the evil that threatens."
(Beware my power... Green Lantern's light!)

"Please," came Petra's almost silent whisper, adding her voice to Tae's prayer.
(Oh hey, nice setup in part one now, explaining how non-cleric Petra can actually get an answer from EI.)

She drew herself up shaky hands and knees, only dimly noticing the breaking pillars around the room.
(Apart from the missing preposition, what is making the pillars break here? No lightning just yet - is that a reaction to the wards being repaired, or a reaction to EI vacuuming Odette's soul outta the pillar there?)

She slowly turned her head to the side and watched Petra's eyes blink slowly open.
(Did I ask this before? How is Tae getting enough light to see Petra with any clarity, buried under rubble?)

[elfhawk]

<- has never seen any Green Lantern, so hush up and color. There's formulas you're expected to follow for such things. =P

Flavor text also works for foreshadowing!

I should probably clarify the pillars there are all the soul-traps. Breaking Odette free caused a great deal of damage.

What do you mean it would be pitch black under there? Low-light vision + four inches from face totally means Tae could see her.

[carmenwoods]

Fair enough, with the low-light vision. Just something I thought might be mysterious.

I've never seen any Green Lantern either, but it totally seemed to fit Tae's badass little invocation.