Sundered Faith, Part Four (1/?)

[elfhawk]

This is still in the works, but jachyra wanted to see what I've got. So I've split up what I've got and am posting for the internet's reading pleasure. This is better proofed than your first viewing of the NaNo, but feel free to point out any bad grammar/inconsistencies/things you think are plot holes. Provided their hearts are suitably blessed, of

Comments

[pariahsdream]

The only quibble I have is this line:

“Dear one, do you think this wise?”

She looked at the waiting priestess. “Do you know how long this will be?”

Who is calling Tae 'dear one'? I would assume Athena but I wasn't entirely certain. Otherwise, lots and lots of plotting. Also, it might be my imagination but the girls seem to be taking this a lot more....cool-headedly than one might expect. Granted they are pretty seasoned warriors by now.

[elfhawk]

Athena and Tae take turns calling each other dear. It was mentioned in the NaNo a couple times.

I like to think of them as going into shock. I know Athena definitely is, anyway. None of them are hugely reactionary about these sorts of matters- they haven't been placed under arrest, per se, and they'd rather leave without causing more trouble. (Which totally isn't happening.) But they've been dealing with this sort of nonsense for the past year, never mind the shenanigans they were up to back home. Once things start getting weird, then the cool-headedness will dissipate. (Mostly because all of them are about to have their own personal problems hit them in the face.)

[pariahsdream]

I thought I remembered that but it just kinda jumped out of nowhere at this point. It could flow better if I was reading it through rather than separated by months at a time.

I gotcha. I trust you with the story I was just waiting for less 'cool-headedness' and more Carmen philosophy of bash their heads in and let the Gods sort'em.

[carmenwoods]

XD

[carmenwoods]

I was so rotted busy at work today I didn't have a chance to glee properly. Glee!

The only thing I caught to mention is:
“That still does not mean their religion is stagnating.
(Stagnating here is kind of odd now, bless its heart.)

[elfhawk]

Correction and addition, then?

“That does not mean the Jaden clergy are expelling the other gods'.  And the creature could have been released by someone already corrupted by the evils the temple in Telubra was releasing.”

“It's a systematic destruction-”

Petra breaks off there because they've got company, but it gives the reader a little more 'huh, is that what's going'.

[carmenwoods]

I like this.

[carmenwoods]

Borrick, Gavin, with me. The rest of you, bring those bodies to the clinic for Healer Maire to take a look at.”
(Heeheeheee, I hope every set of mook Jaden NPCS comes in pairs where one's name starts with B and the other's starts with G.)

[elfhawk]

... I had not noticed that.

[carmenwoods]

It's what I'm here for!

[carmenwoods]

And it likely was not the only one.
Dun dun duuuun!

Petra couldn’t wait until the new-made pixie discovered she couldn’t tell lies anymore.
Ha ha!!

Tae and Odette shot shamefaced looks her way. Petra still looked hot.
Hard to tell from the quick flow that Odette was speaking too - comes across as just Tae and Petra. And bahahaha, boy does Carmen mush her words when she's mad!

“Obviously,” Odette replied, dragging the chair at the desk around to straddle it. Tae smiled at the sight. The sorceress’ new wings were making things difficult in some respects. “No one tells the truth anymore, after all.”
Hyperbole doesn't count as lying, I take it. That would make life very boring, after all.

[elfhawk]

"And it was likely not the only one

[carmenwoods]

Oh boy, ideas! It would fit with the little backstory I had for her, too (though of course that's not so important - your story is your story and I ain't complaining). Carmen in-game did know Elvish, you may not recall. Raised by Wild Elf relatives a few generations back on her mom's side after undead destroyed village and killed parents (a necromancer was looking for something there, had potential to be developed if the chance ever came up and gave reason for the Favored Enemy), though I never really fleshed it out and just went with what sounded awesome.

[carmenwoods]

Oh, and to answer your actual question about the "likely not the only one" line - I'll have to read it again printed out to tell. I think I read that one as fine even though the subjects were spaced out there. There was another sentence somewhere else that I actually did go, "wait, what? oh, okay" and then forgot where it was, but I'll catch it again and let you know.

[carmenwoods]

Also, love the Green Man reference. He can totally fit into any fantasy mythos, imo.

And I hope Odette manages not to promise anything or say to people, "what can I do for you?"