I am ugly.

[elfwreck]

We are all, sometimes, ugly; we have dark and vicious thoughts, and insensitive beliefs, and shallow interests we spend too much energy on, and we all occasionally over-react or hurt someone who didn't deserve it. (Whether anyone "deserves" to be hurt is a question for another time.)

Inasmuch as I am ugly--in the areas I am not kind and generous

Comments

[vicki_sine]

You are the most incredibly beautiful woman I have met in many a long year.

I like you precisely the way you are, would not have you any differently.

But if you chose to change, well the kin that is in me recognizes you, no matter what you are, and once loved...love simply is, no matter the changes.

So change or no, you are stuck with my friendship, ugly as I am, my heart does not give up love once given.

[brock_tn]

We're all ugly in that way, to one degree or another.

But dammit, Elf, you are horribly, gut-wrenchingly honest at the same time you profess all this ugliness. And I'll take ugly and honest over beautiful and deceptive any time.

And you know, we're supposed to have learned by now to look below the surface, to see the essential natures of things that to most people are hidden. Why else did we become witches, masters of the occult, if not for that? And that means looking below all surfaces, not just the civilized surface that you show to most of the world, nor the ugly under-layer you insist on showing to us here. If you are ugly, well, so too is Rodin's sculpture Celle qui fut la belle heaulmière.Me, I'm not convinced. Just as some people have the wit to see the beautiful young woman still living within Rodin's crone, there's hidden beauties there inside the ugliness you want to show us, for those of us who have the eyes to see it. Integrity that burns like a white flame. Love too, that burns just as bright. And passion and

[elfwreck]

I'd always wondered what that sculpture looked like. (And, of course, I'd never wondered it consciously when I was within reach of a google search.) Wow. So that's her.

I never know if I'm being honest and showing integrity, or if I cast a really good glamour of it. The headspace I wrote this in... it didn't come from me as much as through me, and while I like to think that puts me in touch with something vast and beautiful, I also worry that I use that ability (to be able to tap into that) to mask my own flaws.

Because when I try to wax philosophical without tapping into that current, I often kick off bitchy, petty flamewars. So this was, in part, trying to acknowledge myself as not just "speaker for the gods" but "bitchy woman who doesn't know when to shut up." And while I figured those who've known me for a long while knew that, I occasionally feel obligated to inform/warn new readers.

[brock_tn]

I never know if I'm being honest and showing integrity, or if I cast a really good glamour of it.

It is my considered opinion that a person lacking integrity could NEVER have written that post. And I doubt that Sine and Sana would have been anywhere as laudatory as they were if they did not have similar opinions of you.

...I also worry that I use that ability (to be able to tap into that) to mask my own flaws.

EVERYBODY wants to mask their own flaws. It's MUCH harder than it seems, and damned near impossible unless one is deliberately deceptive in one's relations with others. Yon post of yours was pretty much the antithesis of "deliberately deceptive."

Because when I try to wax philosophical without tapping into that current, I often kick off bitchy, petty flamewars. So this was, in part, trying to acknowledge myself as not just "speaker for the gods" but "bitchy woman who doesn't know when to shut up."Elf, honey, to which Goddess is your devotion given? What is that Goddess most famous for

[elfwreck]

My experience has been that over time people tend to become more like those Gods to Whom they are devoted.

I've occasionally pointed that out... that I'm a Discordian, and not in the casual "I like a good surreal joke" kind of way. That I'm Feri, and that means a devotion to a style of awareness that makes a lot of people uncomfortable. I generally get told some variant of "this is not about your religion; this is about [important issue X]." As if I could set my religion aside for Important Issues.

Or, perhaps, as if all religions were essentially the same, and since it's their religion says "anger is a vice to be avoided," they can't imagine otherwise.

[niamhspark]

I dont think you're ugly, not with a post like that - very awesome elfwreck ;)

[sanacrow]

I agree with your sentiment, and everything you say here.

I disagree with your use of the term "ugly" to refer to these concepts and the "darker" aspects of humanity.

Unadorned, honest, unashamed, whole, unhidden, complete, complex, heart-full... yes, all that and so much more. As well as beautiful, for those who prefer real humanity, with all it's complexity and shadows, over the *illusion* of so-called beauty that is the current mass-market plastic-mask popular preference.

[elfwreck]

I used "ugly," because I was trying to include more than what we normally think of as the "noble" dark aspects like rage, sorrow, lust, selfishness... I wanted to also consider pettiness, catty snark, dismissiveness, callous gossip, defensiveness--the stuff that none of us looks at and says, "this is a grand strong trait even if it has some harsh side effects." Jealousy. Racism, sexism, faithism, heterosexism, classism, other -isms that we grow up entrenched with and want to believe we've done enough about and we can relax now. Lashing out at the next person in our paths because the one we're angry at isn't available. Buying the works of artists we know damn well support atrocious causes. Speeding up our steps to get past the guy asking for donations. The traits that nobody thinks are virtues, and at best are "understandable, given the circumstances

[sanacrow]

I got that. I just don't consider the perhaps-less-noble aspects of humanity to be "ugly". They're *human*. (In some cases, they're just *living being*. Even dogs and chimps are occasionally petty, cruel, and lots of other things that fit in with the theme

[aislingthebard]

Elf, Erica...."ugly" is relative. Dishonesty is ugly. Hypocrisy is ugly. Telling lies to be political because the truth is hard for someone else to hear is ugly. Sixty-year old women trying to act and dress like teens because they're ashamed of their age are ugly. You? You don't fit "ugly". You, since I first met you on the old WW list, have been honest, honorable, open, candid, reflective, philosophical, genuine, and completely yourself without artifice. There is nothing more beautiful. I wish the whole world were your brand of "ugly". I'd sleep a lot better at night.

[elfwreck]

I'm also dishonest, hypocritical, manipulative and prone to allowing people to believe what they like because it's convenient. I try to keep aware of how much I am each of these, but I can't say I spend any great effort trying to eliminate them... they're survival techniques, safety methods--but if I were a stronger person, perhaps I wouldn't use them.

I am not candid. I have huge swaths of information and beliefs that never show up online. (I don't think I'm particularly false in how I present myself online; what I hide is not, I think, details that would shock anyone. But I am deliberately hiding a substantial amount