Oh my elequent Hoserina! For years I have been searching for the perfect non-threatening stalker letter, and I think you just may have unearthed the answer to all my obsessions. Do you mind if I borrow some of your lyrical sentiments? I have a long overdue letter to send to Britney Spears, and one to Alanis Morisette as well, now that I think about it . . . I'm sure they both would have appreciated a letter as succinct as this one. Neither of them reacted very well when I camped out in their parents' garages. I told them I could be good. I told them I would tend their gardens and ride their mowers, all day and all night. I told them I could install silver celophane slip n slides in their side yards but they just didn't want to hear it. They called the police and filed restraining orders against me, and now I will never see my beloved ladies again! Either of them! Oh Boo Hoo! Oh don't make my mistake, Hosenfeffer! Shower her with roses in a legal and professional manner!
Riding their mowers all day and night didn't work?!elhoserboyApril 9 2003, 21:22:20 UTC
I'm afraid I've already made a mistake similar to your own. One time, I broke a window at Mandy Moore's house and made my way inside. I searched everywhere for Mandy, and when I finally found her, cowering in the bathroom, I said:
"Mandy, what's wrong? You locked me out and I had to break the window to get in--is everything okay?"
When I noticed that she was holding the phone and attempting to dial a number, I got pretty upset.
"Mandy," I said, "You don't have to call me; I'm right here... besides, you can't. I cut the cord."
...
I don't really want to discuss what happened to me after that little episode. All I can say is that I hope my letter to Michelle Branch turns out a little better--like maybe marriage instead of jail.
As for your own situation with fickle females, I suggest aiming a little higher--that's right, threesome! Girls, especially famous ones, love that shit!
I would just send it just the way it is. I think that the normal fan letter just sort of bores the shit out of her, or whoever actually takes the time to read them (her assistant I suppose). Something that funny might actually make it into her hands.
I always confuse her with that other chick...Vanessa Carlton. Too many damn earthy girl singers with a piano or a guitar.
Anywho, good luck with your future wife. Even though she'll probably end up being a washed up alcoholic playing dirty clubs one day (Like Club Soda in Kalamazoo, MI). Then you'll capture her heart ;-)
Oh! Oh! You should so kidnap her...then I could finally say I knew someone famous. Granted, it'd be more of an infamous, but still, I'd be able to pick up a newspaper, point to your cute little mug on the front page tell all my friends I knew the dude who stole Michelle Branch AND that I knew of the grand plot way ahead of time.
Wait a sec, I'll leave that last part out, as it would make me an accessory to the crime and jail doesn't really sound all that appealing to me. Theresa no wanna be a bitch for someone name Big Bertha.
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Good Luck!
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"Mandy, what's wrong? You locked me out and I had to break the window to get in--is everything okay?"
When I noticed that she was holding the phone and attempting to dial a number, I got pretty upset.
"Mandy," I said, "You don't have to call me; I'm right here... besides, you can't. I cut the cord."
...
I don't really want to discuss what happened to me after that little episode. All I can say is that I hope my letter to Michelle Branch turns out a little better--like maybe marriage instead of jail.
As for your own situation with fickle females, I suggest aiming a little higher--that's right, threesome! Girls, especially famous ones, love that shit!
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I always confuse her with that other chick...Vanessa Carlton. Too many damn earthy girl singers with a piano or a guitar.
Anywho, good luck with your future wife. Even though she'll probably end up being a washed up alcoholic playing dirty clubs one day (Like Club Soda in Kalamazoo, MI). Then you'll capture her heart ;-)
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Thomas already has a perfect name for the biz. No need to change it a bit.
Maybe call it "Earthy Girls are Easy". Or, maybe that is too obvious.
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WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA.....
dude, seriously, brian. this is an idea. it's an easy way to make money, too. yr brother could film it.
ps. my lungs are killing me even more than before now, thanks to the fucking hospital
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Wait a sec, I'll leave that last part out, as it would make me an accessory to the crime and jail doesn't really sound all that appealing to me. Theresa no wanna be a bitch for someone name Big Bertha.
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That's it, I'll do it! Big Bertha here I come!
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xoxo
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As for your email, if what you say is true, I HATE YOU. Like, very, very much.
Bytheway, did you notice the sparkles on you?
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Of course my email was in jest; there's no reason to hate me.
P.S. I used two semi-colons in this reply. What do you think about that English major? Am I being pretentious or just using them incorrectly?
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