Confusion reigns.
I am depressed. If you have ever had a problem with depression, you know that the smallest things can trigger it.
I went to a party. I had fun at the party. I started thinking about the way I interact with others and what makes me uncomfortable around new people. Somehow, in all these thoughts, I managed to start feeling like a complete and total waste of space. I am not really certain why or how this train of thought got derailed, but it did. I talked to friends at the party, so I don't know why I am so focused on feeling down right now.
All I can say is that I am down and cannot seem to deal with it very well. I know that part of my problem is that I am lonely. Bone deep, never had a relationship lonely. I don't even have guy friends to cuddle with at this point in my life. I miss human contact. I get hugs from friends and family, but it just doesn't equate to a good long cuddle where I feel like I might actually have some sort of importance to the other person. I feel like I am never going to have that closeness again. I know that is an exagerration, but I still feel like it is some form of truth for me. At this point in my life, I have been alone more than I have been with a person. You would think I would be used to it, but I crave closeness with another person.
This lack in my life seems to be overshadowing a lot of other things going on in my life. I know I am a worthy person who has a lot going for her, but I feel worthless and invisible. I wish I knew what to do with this feeling. I wish it would help me figure out more of my life in some way. The funny thing is that you might think that being this lonely would compel me to seek out companionship, but it does the opposite. When I start feeling like this, I don't want to "inflict" my moods on other people, so I keep to myself. I know in my mind that spending time with others is what I need to do, but I cannot force myself to do it. I cannot force myself to make the overtures that would help me. I also feel even the slightest rejection as though it is a fatal thing. Someone might tell me they are busy for the night I am suggesting and maybe we could do something another time and I would hear, "Go away, I never want to hear from you again."
Well, I don't know what this post has done, except to lay out my feelings for anyone and everyone to see. I can breathe now, though.
eli.
I went to a party. I had fun at the party. I started thinking about the way I interact with others and what makes me uncomfortable around new people. Somehow, in all these thoughts, I managed to start feeling like a complete and total waste of space. I am not really certain why or how this train of thought got derailed, but it did. I talked to friends at the party, so I don't know why I am so focused on feeling down right now.
All I can say is that I am down and cannot seem to deal with it very well. I know that part of my problem is that I am lonely. Bone deep, never had a relationship lonely. I don't even have guy friends to cuddle with at this point in my life. I miss human contact. I get hugs from friends and family, but it just doesn't equate to a good long cuddle where I feel like I might actually have some sort of importance to the other person. I feel like I am never going to have that closeness again. I know that is an exagerration, but I still feel like it is some form of truth for me. At this point in my life, I have been alone more than I have been with a person. You would think I would be used to it, but I crave closeness with another person.
This lack in my life seems to be overshadowing a lot of other things going on in my life. I know I am a worthy person who has a lot going for her, but I feel worthless and invisible. I wish I knew what to do with this feeling. I wish it would help me figure out more of my life in some way. The funny thing is that you might think that being this lonely would compel me to seek out companionship, but it does the opposite. When I start feeling like this, I don't want to "inflict" my moods on other people, so I keep to myself. I know in my mind that spending time with others is what I need to do, but I cannot force myself to do it. I cannot force myself to make the overtures that would help me. I also feel even the slightest rejection as though it is a fatal thing. Someone might tell me they are busy for the night I am suggesting and maybe we could do something another time and I would hear, "Go away, I never want to hear from you again."
Well, I don't know what this post has done, except to lay out my feelings for anyone and everyone to see. I can breathe now, though.
eli.