self assessment part 56582
at first it seemed just a renewal of already made assessments of relations and opinions to and of others. but i realize now that each of them is tinged with extra negative biases. some have become a noticeably negative approach and disdain. some farther than deserved, some unknown to where they should stand. others just seem to be affected with a notice of withheld...'freedom'. i wondered with some of them if it was just me, or if perhaps i was truly perceiving the differences, but when i look at it all i have come to believe that i'm actually affected in some manner. unfortunately past assessments have not been conclusive enough to give me an outright answer as to why this phenomena is occurring. maybe i'm just looking too small of a sampling to be correct even this far. of course this is all done from noted actions of today.
on top of all this, i feel as if all of my planning and scheming is falling apart, as if it will not come to meet expectations. and that is unsettling. i wonder if my expectations are too high, but realize that if i do not keep them, nothing will matter, or worst, the wrong things will matter and cause more harm than not. i can't just float. or i could, but would be a dreamer without canvas. i need answers, i can't seem to move without answers and yet, i continue.
seems to be a funny thing about life. when you first start out, your answers and paths don't have limits, but bit by bit, as you age, you realize limitations. you can float, but you choose a path to float along until it needs a direction to turn. some people master floating without a rudder and sail, others need an entire crew. some people can find a crew to float with, others must man their own rigging. and still others have all the rigging and even a crew and yet can't float and don't know how to steer. indeed, funny thing this life.
funny thing these thoughts. i can see what i think, in pictures, i can understand my own ideas, and yet, as i write them out, they loose form in order to fit words. and in doing so, i see the 'words' others may respond with and must change my own to account for it. add it all together and none of it makes any sense, i know what i wanted it to 'look' like but some where in translation, it lost all manner of flow. it no longer looks like a rainbow but more like a muddy brown.
all you need to see is a capsized boat with a little person on top waiting to find her oar, and then you'll understand.
on top of all this, i feel as if all of my planning and scheming is falling apart, as if it will not come to meet expectations. and that is unsettling. i wonder if my expectations are too high, but realize that if i do not keep them, nothing will matter, or worst, the wrong things will matter and cause more harm than not. i can't just float. or i could, but would be a dreamer without canvas. i need answers, i can't seem to move without answers and yet, i continue.
seems to be a funny thing about life. when you first start out, your answers and paths don't have limits, but bit by bit, as you age, you realize limitations. you can float, but you choose a path to float along until it needs a direction to turn. some people master floating without a rudder and sail, others need an entire crew. some people can find a crew to float with, others must man their own rigging. and still others have all the rigging and even a crew and yet can't float and don't know how to steer. indeed, funny thing this life.
funny thing these thoughts. i can see what i think, in pictures, i can understand my own ideas, and yet, as i write them out, they loose form in order to fit words. and in doing so, i see the 'words' others may respond with and must change my own to account for it. add it all together and none of it makes any sense, i know what i wanted it to 'look' like but some where in translation, it lost all manner of flow. it no longer looks like a rainbow but more like a muddy brown.
all you need to see is a capsized boat with a little person on top waiting to find her oar, and then you'll understand.