I'm motivated? Unfortunately, not motivated to sleep, which is what I should be doing about now. I've gone without for a while, I'll be fine for one more day. It's been mostly up and down lately, but I feel good. My mom left and she won't tell me where she went, it makes me sad not to see her every day. My dad is getting help for himself, I only ( Read more... )

Another long night ( Read more... )

My heart is going to fall out. It literally feels like not even my chest wall can contain it. It will boil up through a hole punctured in my manubrium and ooze out of me like a soda that has been shaken up. The lump in my throat is the size of the rock I threw in the river a few months ago. My goal for today? It was not to cry. To go one day ( Read more... )

I don't want to face another winter ( Read more... )

Constant struggle between hope and fear. Needing to learn to trust. I miss that one constantly, even when we are together nearly every day. It's reached the point of being over 24-hours again, which makes me anxious even though it shouldn't. I loved the beach day, skipping stones. Babies fishing in toxic water, friendly smiles and kind words. Boats ( Read more... )

And in a single moment of clarity, everything clicks. I feel happier and more complete than I have in years. I've been happy, in areas, the whole time, but for the first time in a long time I am whole.

It was right in front of my face the whole time. It just took a while for the switch to go off. I am so thankful.

Doing the right thing is hard, especially when you don't know what the right thing is. I am angry. I am angry and hurt, but all I want to do is let you hold me. All I want is for things to be different, it's unrealistic. I miss you so bad it hurts, and staying away continues to hurt. The only thing that would come from me coming back to you is ( Read more... )

Everything stings and nothing feels right. I want to fight but everyone tells me not to. I want to go back in time, I want things to be different. I don't want to lose you but I can't see any way around it at this point. I want to understand why you willingly put me through this. I want to hear that I am worth it again. I want to believe you, but ( Read more... )

I will fight if I have to. I can't/won't let go this time.

I've learned by now that it generally doesn't matter how I feel about situations, or at least I should have. I hate this 'on-edge' feeling, like you're going to constantly vanish, and there's nothing I can do about it. It feels like every time I see you will be the last, and I hate that feeling. Encountered it way too often at this point. I feel ( Read more... )