(no subject)
Caught between the perpetual reminder that I am responsible for what I believe, what I focus on, what I carry with me, what I let go.
Caught between this and feeling all the feelings I've held inside - they seem irrelevant if it's based on the bullsh*t that I chose to believe or the bullsh*t story I created. Natural of course, human of course, but still, getting past the elaborate story upon story upon story, is a perpetual task and it feels exhausting. Maybe I'm not doing it right.
I'm also feeling angry because I'm scared of later. Scared of feeling exhausted, not knowing what that really means anymore, and how much truth that holds for me versus someone else saying it. Isn't it a matter of context? Isn't a matter of perception? One man's truth is true for him. So anyway, when feeling like I want out and I'm scared for being judged, rejected, not being good enough, all of these feelings and beliefs that I've held for so long, it all feels like a petty fearful excuse. And I try to have love & compassion for perhaps needing a little help through this, but with this realisation I somehow use it again as an excuse to beat myself up and tell myself I'm not good enough to get through this on my own, and that's ridiculous. That's actually ridiculous on both levels - ridiculous because I could if I was superwoman, but I'm human, so no, don't take a backseat and expect everyone else to drive, but maybe take some passengers on board.
So off to London to meet D & G, then M. Still scared of meeting up with B for the pressures of having to be fully present and not let him down because I'm scared of being rejected and abandoned. And part of me knows if this did happen it would be okay, part of me knows this won't happen, and part of me is so scared that it would be the final straw. And I'm scared of being a disappointment, needy, vunerable, weak, all those things that I feel and the pressures of all of that only in mind which cause it. So how to break the cycle? Face the fear and do it anyway. What's the worst that can happen? He sees you breakdown? He sees you cry? He sees you struggling? Maybe in some strange way he needs to see it for it to be okay for it not to continually happen.
Somehow I keep thinking that once is enough. But no, once opened up a little, and once closed back down again. Maybe a few times of ease makes it something to not have to be scared of again. I just so don't want to be a burden.
All in my head, feeling guilty, being too hard on myself again. Chin up..