Even Score - Part Four Continued...
Kate stares across the campfires that litter the beach as Jack talks to Sayid about the latest device Sayid has created from spare airplane parts and things he’d pilfered from the hatch. Kate has no idea what it does, even though Sayid had attempted to explain it to her earlier. She simply hadn’t been able to concentrate on a word he was saying.
She watches Jack laugh at something Sayid says as if this is just another normal day. Like he hadn’t been fucking Sawyer’s brains out in the jungle a few hours ago.
Except he hadn’t been. It might be better if it was that way but it wasn’t just Jack and Sawyer getting off. Something deeper and something real was there between them and she could feel it like electricity in the air, the way it used to be when Jack smiled at her or touched her hand.
She tugs on a loose piece of thread at the hem of her tank top, slowly pulling the weak string from the fabric and watching it unravel, twisting in on itself as it’s yanked free. She tries to rip it off but it only pulls out further, doing more damage than good. Frustrated she twists it around her finger and then yanks harder, finally breaking it off.
When she looks back up, she finds Jack crossing the beach toward their tent, his smile fading and his face growing serious. No grins and laughter for her. He slips his backpack from his shoulders and sets it down gently on the sand, adjusting his t-shirt and pulling up his loose jeans before sitting down next to her.
“Hey.”
“Hey.”
He doesn’t move to kiss her hello and she doesn’t move either, instead looking away from him and toward the rolling waves of the ocean. Jack lets out a long breath and shifts, bringing his knees in and resting his elbows across them.
“Could we talk?” He asks and Kate’s heart sinks, a remarkable feat considering she’d thought it was already as low as it could go.
“Um, sure.” She replies, wavering. She had planned to confront him but she hadn’t worked out a single thing she wanted to say, and is still unsure what she wants to tell him. Part of her is hurt and betrayed, crushed and heartbroken, yet the other part is scared to lose him, weak enough to hope that they can move past this and Jack will choose her, only her. She hates herself for it but it’s the sad truth. She’s making excuses for him, just like her mother used to for Wayne.
“Maybe we could take a walk?” Jack suggests and Kate turns to look at him, shaking her head.
“We can talk here.” Her words come out a bit sharply and Jack seems a bit unsettled, unsure why.
“It’s kind of private.”
“Nothing is private on this island, Jack.”
“It’s about Sawyer.” Jack takes a deep breath and shifts again. “About Sawyer and me.”
Kate swallows hard, tears springing to her eyes. She nods quickly, lifting her hand to wipe her face before they fall.
“I know.”
“I need to be honest with you, Kate. Since that night that we were all…together…Sawyer and I have been-“
“Jack, I know.” Kate cuts him off harshly. “I know about you two.”
“You know?” Jack’s eyes open wide in surprise as he looks at her, astonished by her admission the way he had expected her to be shocked by his. “How do you…?”
“Do you know you talk in your sleep, Jack?” She asks, glancing at him and then looking away, sniffling hard and still trying not to cry.
“Kate-“
“You said his name, you said…” She stops, not able to finish. “So I followed you today, Jack. I followed you and I saw you with him. With Sawyer.”
“Kate, I’m so sorry.” Jack reaches to touch her arm and she throws off his hand violently, moving away from him. “Believe me, I didn’t want for you to find out that way. I wanted to tell you, I just-“
“Just what, Jack? Couldn’t tell me that you were fucking around with Sawyer? Now why would that be hard to do?” Kate yells, turning to meet his gaze for the first time. Jack is devastated by the look on her face; he doesn’t think he’s ever hurt someone this horribly before and his heart tears in two. He bites his lip hard to hold back the tears that instantly well up, knowing he has no right to cry over this. It’s his fault.
Silence falls between them as Kate finally lets herself sob, too tired to pretend she’s strong, that she’s more angry than hurt. She stares at him, waiting for him to respond. Jack sits beside her, at a loss for the right thing to say. Everything that comes to mind is inadequate.
“I don’t know what happened, Kate. It’s not…it’s not like me to do something like this. I can’t explain it and I can’t defend it.” He pauses, drawing in a deep breath. He pulls his legs in toward himself, making the space between them even more distant. Jack looks at the ground as he lets that same breath out, closing his eyes. “There’s nothing I can say except that I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“Why didn’t you just break up with me, Jack? Why sneak around? You had to know I’d find out.” Kate asks weakly and Jack sighs, hanging his head.
“Because I couldn’t decide between you. I was….selfish.”
“But you came to tell me now because you’re choosing him,” Kate states, closing her own eyes now, reality hitting her hard. Jack shakes his head adamantly and reaches for her, grasping her wrist.
“I told you because I couldn’t lie to you anymore. I can’t - I couldn’t choose but I couldn’t keep lying.” She stares down at his hand, wanting to make him stop touching her but not able to do it. Kate looks away and wipes her face with her free palm and then tilts her head back to him, tears slipping down her cheeks and replacing the ones she had just futilely wiped away.
“Is it the sex? Is that what this is about? He can give you something that I can’t?”
“It’s not the sex, Kate.” Jack replies, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles. “It’s not.”
“Then what is it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You can’t do this to me and then say I don’t know, Jack!” Kate exclaims, her temper flaring again, the tremble in her broken-hearted voice disappearing entirely. She tears her hand from his grasp and stands up. Jack clambers up from the sand and tries to stop her from leaving but she shoves him away, yelling for him not to touch her. Her yell attracts the attention of others from around the camp and for the first time they notice the fighting couple, Kate sobbing and Jack pleading with her.
“Kate? Jack? What’s going on?” Charlie starts over, his concern making him nosy but Kate pushes past him, nearly knocking him over.
“Kate, wait! Please!” Jack calls after her but Kate stalks across camp. Sawyer, hearing the commotion outside, emerges from his tent at the most inopportune moment, just as Kate is passing by. She stops in her tracks and looks at him and he knows that she knows in an instant. He glances at Jack as he comes up behind Kate.
“How could you do this to me, Sawyer?” Kate asks him, her voice cracking. “I let you…I let you be a part of it…of us and you go behind my back and steal him from me?”
“That’s not what happened, Kate, it’s not what you think.”
“You have no idea what I think!” Kate cries out, moving toward him. Jack tries to hold her back and she stops, going rigid, shutting down, closing her eyes tightly, both her teeth and her fist clenching as she tersely whispers for Jack to get his hands off of her. He backs off and Kate remains frozen in place for what seems like an eternity, her anger paralyzing her. She wants to hit them and scream and shout but she can’t. She simply needs to run and hide, get away before she collapses and loses control.
Kate lets out a long breath and forces her eyes open. Camp is completely silent and she knows they are all watching her, like she’s a ticking time bomb that is about to explode. She raises her gaze slowly and sees Sawyer staring past her, looking at something just over her shoulder.
“Why did you tell her?” Sawyer demands and Kate thinks he’s speaking to Jack. But when she turns to leave, ready to run from this whole situation, she finds Claire standing a few feet behind her, her face ashen and her mouth open. Kate’s stomach clenches; she can see it all over Claire’s face that she knew. “You promised me you wouldn’t say anything.”
“I didn’t…I didn’t…” Claire stammers, not sure if she’s trying to deny to Kate that she knew or deny to Sawyer that she told Kate.
“You knew?” Kate asks and Claire’s eyes dart toward Jack and then Sawyer, panicked. That’s all the answer Kate needs.
She shakes her head, not fathoming how her world could have been destroyed so completely, so suddenly. Everyone she had dared to trust has betrayed her, just as she had always been afraid they would.
“Kate, I-“ Claire starts plaintively and begins to walk after her, but Kate holds up her hand to stop her.
“Don’t.” She runs from camp, not knowing where she is going to go but knowing she can’t stay there with everyone looking at her like that. She leaves Sawyer and Jack and Claire standing in front of Sawyer’s tent. Jack calls her name. She doesn’t look back.
*******
“Leave me alone.” Kate orders. She heard her footsteps before Claire entered the caves, heard her coming down the path and pushing through the brush. Claire stops a few paces in as Kate twists in her seat on the edge of a rock to glare at her warningly. “Go away, Claire.”
“Kate…”
“I don’t want to talk to you, I don’t want to see you. Please leave.” She turns her back on her former friend and Claire frowns deeply, her blue eyes filled with worry.
“You don’t understand, Kate. I didn’t tell you because…” Claire falters, knowing her explanation is weak. She takes two steps closer anyway, moving gingerly. “I saw them once. In the jungle.”
“When?” Kate asks, her tone flat and emotionless.
“Awhile ago. After you told me about…you know.” Claire ducks her head sheepishly, not able to say it. Kate stares straight ahead, refusing to look at Claire, her jaw set so tightly that her neck muscles are strained and taut. Claire moves toward her, her feet shaky on the uneven terrain. “After I saw the two of them, I went to Sawyer and I confronted him. I was upset, for you…I didn’t understand how they could do that to you. He basically said that he and Jack got a little out of control and that it was never, ever going to happen again and that telling you would only hurt you for no reason.” Kate blinks once, hard, grinding her teeth as Claire finally stops beside her. Claire twists her fingers together nervously, knowing she has made a mistake too grave to hope Kate will understand. “I promised him I would keep it a secret,” she says quietly.
“You should have told me, Claire.” Kate states, still looking forward.
“I know.”
“You really should have told me.” Kate turns to look at Claire, anger flashing in her eyes, but that fire is quickly doused with tears of frustration and sadness.
“I know, believe me. I just…I believed him.” Claire looks disappointed in herself, her head hanging low and her eyes tilted up toward Kate, entreating forgiveness. “I thought…I thought that things would go back to normal, that it was just a one-time thing.”
“But it wasn’t.”
Claire sits down gently beside Kate and shakes her head no, biting her lip.
“I think Sawyer’s in love with him.” Claire says, trying to cushion her words with as much softness as she can. She meets Kate’s gaze and Kate blinks away tears, nodding and swallowing hard.
“I think so too.” Kate whispers, her voice breaking weakly. She sniffles, trying to fight it, but she can’t. “And I think Jack loves him back.” She buries her face in her hands, overwhelmed, and turns away from Claire, embarrassed to let the other woman see her break down into a sobbing mess. This isn’t who she is supposed to be. She isn’t supposed to let herself care about anyone and yet she had broken her own rules, let Jack into her heart. She should have known better.
“But Jack loves you too, Kate,” Claire replies, knowing it’s true. She sets her hand on Kate’s forearm. “And so does Sawyer. They didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Everyone always says that. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?” Kate snaps through her tears, frustrated. “It’s idiotic. They have been sneaking around behind my back, how did they not think I was going to get hurt?” Kate stands up, shaking off Claire’s touch. Her moods change like the island’s weather, her temper flaring now and her tears burning hotly against her flushed cheeks.
Claire sighs and runs her hand through her tangled long blonde hair. There’s simply nothing she can say to make this right. She knows it, but she has to try anyway. This scene right now before her was inevitable; Kate and Sawyer and Jack would always end up in this place. That was determined the second Jack and Sawyer laid their hands on one another that day in the jungle. But Claire…she didn’t have to be in this position. She could have told Kate immediately and saved herself from losing her closest friend, but she hadn’t. She hates knowing that she’s responsible, that she did the wrong thing. She had always thought herself a better friend than that.
“Kate, I’m sorry. I should have told you about the two of them. I don’t know why I didn’t.” Claire tries to apologize. There’s no other course of action here but to explain herself and she doesn’t have the right words to do so. Anything that is coming to mind now is only going to hurt Kate more and make it even harder to fix things. But lying doesn’t seem right either. Claire takes a deep breath and closes her eyes. She should just be honest. “That’s a lie. I didn’t tell you because I saw that Sawyer was really…what he feels for Jack is just…it was clearly something he’d never felt for anyone before. I couldn’t ruin it for him. I…I couldn’t, okay?”
“But you could let everything be ruined for me?” Kate exclaims and Claire brings her hand to her forehead and paces a step left then a step right, confused. She’s digging herself a deeper hole she’ll never be able to get out of.
“It wasn’t like that. I guess I just thought that Jack and Sawyer would figure it out and then things would settle themselves. I thought that they’d figure out what they meant to one another and if it was something…I thought a choice was going to be made and that if Jack chose you, then I would know he really chose you, or something.” Claire shakes her head and her brow furrows, knowing she’s not explaining her point of view in any way that is helping her case. She tries again. “I thought it would settle things instead of leaving these big unanswered questions for the both of them. You didn’t deserve to be with someone who was wondering about someone else the whole time.”
“So you figured if Jack cheated on me, answered ‘that question’ and then came back to me, that was okay? You didn’t think it was more important for him not to have the question in the first place?” Kate asks. She paces back and forth now, putting the question out to Claire forcefully, her words battering and hard. Claire stares at Kate for a moment, a reply on her tongue that she knows she shouldn’t say. She murmurs it quietly, almost ashamed of herself for letting it slip past her lips. Kate stops and looks at her. “What did you just say?”
“You gave him that question, Kate.” Claire repeats, slightly louder but still weak. She casts her gaze down on the ground. When Kate doesn’t answer, a bit stunned, Claire glances up at her unsurely. “I’m sorry, but…you did. You pushed Jack toward Sawyer, you wanted it to happen. You encouraged it.”
“You’re saying this is my fault?”
“No! No, I’m not saying that, okay?” Claire advances toward her, desperate to make Kate understand. “But it’s like you set a timer on a big huge bomb and then thought asking it to stop was going to be enough! It’s like you were trying to sabotage your relationship with Jack but somehow expected Jack to not let it work. It’s like you were testing him.”
“If I was testing him, he failed,” Kate mutters and turns away, walking toward the waterfall. She sticks her hand in it and then rubs her damp fingers over her aching neck and shoulders, every muscle in her body tense. She closes her eyes and breathes in deep, trying to take a moment and sort through everything that she is feeling. Kate faces Claire and her shoulders sag; she shakes off the excess water from her hand and wipes it on her jeans as she steps down from the edge of the water trough. “I wasn’t testing him though. Or maybe I was. I don’t know. I didn’t mean to.”
“Kate…” Claire tries to close the space between them again, getting the sense that she’s beginning to get Kate to listen to her. “Why did you do it? Why did you ever bring Sawyer into this?”
“Curiosity,” Kate mumbles. “I chose Jack but I still wanted to know what Sawyer was like.” Kate sits down on the ground, defeated. “Maybe I was trying to ruin things.”
“I know I’m the last person you probably want to listen to right now, Kate, but did you ever wonder if maybe…” Claire hesitates, not so sure herself that suggesting this will be a good idea. She sits down next to Kate, biting her lip.
“What?” Kate raises her eyebrow in question.
“You do love Jack, right?”
“Yes.”
“But there was a time when you wanted Sawyer too. And Sawyer wanted you. And now Sawyer and Jack want to be with each other too.”
“Claire-“
“Why does anyone have to choose? I mean…can’t you all be together or something? There’s no reason why not, right?”
“No reason why not? Claire…” Kate actually laughs, shaking her head in stunned amazement. “Are you seriously suggesting that Jack and Sawyer and I be…what, a permanent threesome?” Kate scoffs.
“Is it so crazy?” Claire inquires honestly. “What’s stopping you?”
“Claire. Come on.”
“I’m serious!” Claire says. “Why can’t you?”
“Why can’t we? Because it would never work.”
“How do you know that?”
“Because! It wouldn’t!” Kate clambers up from the ground, brushing off her pant with her hands and looking at Claire as if she’s insane. “Whatever there was between Sawyer and I…forget it. That’s gone, Claire. We both want Jack but each other? No. Not anymore.”
“Are you sure?” Claire gets up too, pursuing her. “Because you stopped wanting Sawyer when you got scared he was going to come between you and Jack-“
“Which he did! So-“
“But if he wasn’t, if it wasn’t about Jack, if you didn’t have to worry-“
“Claire, stop. Please.” Kate holds up her hands to hold Claire back, to stop her from continuing. “Even if I was crazy enough to think that would work, it’s too late. Jack chose Sawyer. It’s over.”
“Kate, no. He did not.” Claire shakes her head no adamantly. “He didn’t. Not really.”
“He was going to tell me about him and Sawyer. There’s only one reason he would do that, Claire.” Kate’s words ring with sadness but not with anger, not anymore. She’s too exhausted to be pissed off now and all that’s left are her tired emotions, the ones that let her give up and wallow, cry, self-destruct. She’s accepting the reality of the situation not calmly, but grimly, knowing it’s no use to pretend otherwise.
“You don’t know that. He could have been telling you simply because he didn’t want to lie anymore. Maybe he needed to be honest about it. Maybe he wanted you to forgive him.”
“No.”
“Kate-“
“Jack would know that wasn’t a possibility. He told me because he wanted out. He wants to be with Sawyer.”
“But if he still wanted to be with you, would you consider it?” Claire looks to Kate hopefully, trying to find a way for this to work out well. She wants to believe there’s a chance that this doesn’t need to end in pain and suffering and broken hearts. Kate doesn’t answer Claire’s question and Claire takes her indecision as a sign that she would think about it. “Kate, you could all be happy. Together.”
“It would never work.” Kate states. “You can’t have three people in a relationship.”
“Oh, says who?” Claire replies. Kate looks surprised. “We’re on this island, Kate. All we have are each other. This is it. If you and Jack and Sawyer can make it work, you should try. There’s no point in being miserable.”
“It’s not normal, Claire.”
“Nothing in this place is normal, is it?” Claire points out. She’s so earnest, so determined, that Kate’s scoffing frown tilts into a bemused smile.
“You really want me to do this, don’t you?”
“I may be a bloody awful friend, Kate, but I’m still your friend. I want you to be happy. And being with Sawyer and Jack…if you can be happy, you should do it.” Kate studies Claire for a moment, giving the idea some serious consideration. Her excuses before had been the obvious ones, taking the idea as ludicrous and impossible.
Slowly, she shakes her head.
“It’s too late, Claire. I never trusted Sawyer to begin with and now, Jack…I don’t trust him either. I can’t.”
“I know they hurt you, Kate, but I don’t think it’s too late. You can try and get through this, I know you can.”
“I don’t want to get through this. I don’t want to forgive Jack and try again. It’s over. All of it.” Kate
Claire nods, understanding. Kate looks at her for a moment, half expecting her to protest further, but Claire remains silent. Kate sighs and then looks around at the caves, still littered with a few items left behind when everyone had slowly migrated back toward the beach.
“I’m going to stay here for awhile.”
“I can stay here with you, if you want,” Claire offers. “I won’t say anything, we can just sit here. Then when you’re ready, I’ll walk you back, okay?”
“Claire…”
“It’s no problem, Sun has Aaron and I-“
“Claire, thanks, but I meant stay here. I can’t go back there right now. We’ve been sharing the tent and I can’t…”
“Jack can get his stuff out, Kate, it’s not fair that you should-“
“And I can’t face everyone else anyway. I just need to be here. For awhile.”
“Okay.” Claire doesn’t argue the point. She knows Kate needs to do what she needs to do to get through this. “But you shouldn’t be alone. Let me get Aaron and come back, I-“
“You shouldn’t bring Aaron out here. Not alone.”
“Then let me send John, okay? Please?” Claire sets her hand on Kate’s forearm and looks at her with pleading eyes. “I’ll send him here with your things, all right? You can set up camp here for awhile and John can watch out for you.”
“I can watch out for myself, thanks.”
“Kate.” Claire stands up as straight as she can and tries to look strong, challenging, which she knows must be laughable, but she tries anyway. She won’t back down, not on this one. Kate staying out here alone isn’t the solution to anything. “Either John comes here or you come back to camp. Which one will it be?”
“I don’t-“
“Which one?” Claire demands and Kate sighs, looking around the empty caves and then down the path back toward camp. She wipes her face and squares her shoulders, leveling her gaze at Claire, making up her mind.
“Make sure Jack’s stuff is out of my tent. I don’t want to talk to him or see him. Or Sawyer. Keep them away from me…you owe me that, Claire.”
“Fine. Right.” Claire nods quickly. “You’ll come back then?”
“Well I’m not staying out here with Locke,” Kate mutters and walks past Claire, her footsteps heavy. Claire follows her and Kate glances back, glaring. “Seriously. I don’t want to see them.”
When Claire drops a bag full of Jack’s things at his feet half an hour later, he looks up at her and she frowns in return. Everyone else’s eyes are on them; they stare at Claire as she talks to Jack, knowing that something important is going down. Kate had returned and disappeared into her tent without a word and Claire seems to be the only one who knows what’s going on. Jack waits for her to speak and after taking a deep breath, she does.
“She’s back but you need to leave her alone. You and Sawyer both, okay?”
Jack nods slowly, his eyes sad and his expression hopeless. He glances down at the bag by his feet and nods again.
“Yeah. Okay.” He murmurs He fingers the zipper on the backpack. “I’ll stay out of her way.” Claire turns to go but is stopped by the sound of Jack getting up as well, hefting his bag onto his shoulders. She looks at him with confusion on her face, eyebrows wrinkling in bewilderment as he walks away without another word, heading toward the path. Claire hurries after him.
“Jack, where are you going?”
“The last thing Kate needs is me hanging around here. I’m gonna go to the caves…you know where to find me if you need me, all right?”
“Jack, you leaving isn’t the solution, okay? That’s not…I told her the same thing. That’s not how to fix this.”
“Claire, this is all my fault. I’m the one who did this. Me.” Jack’s eyes fill with tears and he bites his lip, determined not to let them fall. “Kate doesn’t deserve this and she doesn’t need me being here, around, all the time.”
“Jack-“
“Just for awhile, Claire, okay?” Jack cuts her off. “Please.”
“Yeah. Yeah, fine. You…you want me to tell Sawyer where you went?” Claire offers weakly, and Jack shakes his head no. She watches him go, walking down the path and disappearing into the darkness of the jungle, and then looks toward Sawyer’s tent on the outer fringe of camp. The tent flaps are closed but there is a light on inside, a sign that he’s there.
He’s hiding, just like everyone else.
She collects Aaron from Sun and then heads back to her own tent, ignoring the questions and concerns that everyone is throwing in her direction. She’s the only one in the center of this storm that’s left and they all want to know what’s going on. They want to know the details and the dirt but in the end, what they really want to know is if everything is going to be okay.
Claire doesn’t answer because she’s not sure that everything is going to be okay. She puts Aaron in his crib and lays down, closing her eyes and trying to block it all out. If they can hide from this, so can she.
*******
Sawyer watches her as she packs up her bag, stuffing in a few cans of something with the Dharma logo emblazoned on the side. He can hear them bang against each other as she roughly pulls her backpack shut and tosses it onto her shoulder, standing up.
He approaches her slowly, feeling strange at feeling so timid and unsure around anyone. He scuffs his feet through the sand as she pulls her long dark hair free from where it is caught underneath the strap of her backpack. She turns to him and arches an eyebrow expectantly.
“What?” Ana asks. Sawyer coughs lightly, glancing down at the ground and then back up at her. Ana snorts at his behavior and shakes her head. “Man, Sawyer, I don’t know.”
“Don’t know what.”
“Look at you, man, coming over here with your tail tucked between your legs. Never thought I’d see the day.”
“Oh screw you,” Sawyer mutters and turns to go, but stops, hanging his head as he turns back to face her. His need to know outweighs his pride. “I just wanna know he’s okay is all.” He mumbles, lifting his eyes to meet Ana’s and finding her face surprisingly sympathetic.
“He’s okay, Sawyer. I think he’s just confused…or something.” Ana shrugs. “I don’t think he knows how to face her. Or you.”
“Why me? I ain’t mad at him, he ain’t got no reason to be avoiding me-“
“Sawyer, come on. Don’t put me in the middle of this.” Ana states and Sawyer reaches out and grabs the top handle of her backpack as she turns to go, pulling her back.
“What’s in the bag, then?” He asks sharply. Ana glares at him. “You’re the one going down there to the caves every day, Muchacha, bringing him food and blankets and shit from up here at camp. I didn’t put you in the middle, you put yourself there.”
“He’s just not ready to come back, all right?” Ana tugs herself free from Sawyer’s grip. “He wants to give Kate her space or whatever.”
“I don’t see why that means he’s gotta ignore me every damn time I’ve hiked my ass all the way over there to talk to him,” Sawyer replies. “I could be there with him-“
“Sawyer, come on.” Ana rolls her eyes. “You really think that Jack thinks shacking up immediately with you is the best way to smooth it over with Kate?”
“The damage is already done, Kate knows, it’s ain’t like it’s a big secret.”
“Don’t be a moron, man. You think Jack wants to rub it in her face? Get a clue.”
“So we’re just all miserable and alone then, is that it?” Sawyer asks her and Ana nods, pursing her lips.
“Yeah, I think that’s pretty much it.” Ana sighs, fixing the bottom edge of her black tank top, pulling it down over her hips. Sawyer scowls down at the ground, kicking at the dirt, frustrated and angry. “Just give it time, Sawyer. He’ll come around.” Sawyer mutters something under his breath and Ana steps forward, unable to hear him. “What?”
Sawyer looks up at her, not sure he wants to repeat it. But he wouldn’t have said it in her presence if part of him hadn’t wanted to confide in her, so he takes a deep breath and says it again.
“I thought he chose me.” He manages to make his voice a little louder but not by much. He’s embarrassed to say something so vulnerable and honest; it’s something he might have admitted to Claire but she’s abandoned his friendship for Kate’s, picking her side and sticking to it this time. But Ana had always been so unabashedly blunt with him regarding Jack that he knows she won’t mock him for it, so he lets the words out. She knows how strongly he feels so it’s nothing new to her to hear him say it aloud.
Ana stares at him thoughtfully for a moment, a curl of her black hair falling into her eyes, a frown on her face.
“Yeah. Well.” Ana starts, shifting on her feet. “Maybe he did. But right now I think maybe he’s afraid he made the wrong decision.” Her words are honest; she doesn’t sugarcoat things or ease into them gently. Things are what they are. Sawyer appreciates her not dancing around it. What she said was exactly what he was already thinking anyway. Ana reaches out and tries to touch his arm comfortingly but it ends up more as an awkward pat on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t worry about it, Sawyer. If Kate had what Jack wanted, he never would’ve come looking for you.”
“He never came lookin’ for me, chica.” Sawyer replies, sticking his hands in his back pockets. His teeth tug on the bottom corner of his lip for just a second and then he clicks his tongue, gives Ana a bitter smile, and turns to leave her. “I always came lookin’ for him.”
Ana doesn’t try to assure him of anything; she lets him walk away and then heads in the opposite direction, toward Jack’s new place at the caves. Across camp, another interested pair of eyes focus on her as she walks down the path and out of sight. Kate waits until she’s completely gone to climb up from her seat in front of her tent, approaching Sawyer as he walks back toward his own tent.
“Sawyer.” His name breaks as it falls from her lips and she coughs nervously, stopping a few feet away from him as he comes to a halt as well. He tilts his head toward her, surprised to find her standing there and talking to him.
“Kate.” He sounds unsure, almost suspicious. He tosses his hair back from his face and turns completely toward her.
“Ana. She’s going to see Jack?”
“Yeah.”
“She’s been going to see him a lot, hasn’t she.”
“Every day,” Sawyer mutters, narrowing his eyes at Kate, wondering why she’s trying to imply what she is trying to imply. “She’s about the only friend he’s got right now.”
“Ana is?”
“And that’s one more friend than I’ve got.” Sawyer smiles bitterly. “Everyone ‘round here seems to have come down on the side of Team Kate, in case ya haven’t noticed.”
“Can’t say that I feel sorry for you, Sawyer.”
“Didn’t ask you to, Freckles,” Sawyer retorts. Kate folds her arms over her chest and looks back toward the path, the wind catching stray strands from her ponytail and blowing them across her forehead.
“How long is Jack planning on staying at the caves?” Kate asks. Sawyer shrugs.
“Dunno.”
“It’s been four days.”
“You want him to come back? Tell him. You’re the reason he’s stayin’ away.” Sawyer tells her.
“Why aren’t you with him? You’re together now, right?” Kate asks tightly and Sawyer looks from her out onto the ocean, shaking his head. “You’re not?”
“Does it look like we’re together, sweetheart?” Sawyer says, his anger at the situation invading his voice.
“Well…well, why aren’t you then?” Kate’s question surprises Sawyer. She seems genuinely confused, like she had expected Sawyer and Jack to be inseparable now that their secret is finally out.
“He doesn’t want to hurt you anymore than he already has, I guess.”
“You guess?”
“That’s the running theory, anyway. He ain’t talkin’ to me.”
Kate falls silent and she stares at him, so intensely that he starts to feel uncomfortable. After they stand there wordlessly for about a minute, Sawyer coughs and glances toward his tent, wanting to leave. He looks at her, waiting for her to speak, but she is lost in thought. Without an explanation he walks from her, pushing aside the flaps to his tent and then letting them fall closed behind him, blocking her out.
But moments later she follows him in, nearly crashing into him as she walks inside. She gasps slightly, perhaps not having expected to walk right into him, but doesn’t back up.
“Sawyer.”
“Kate.” Sawyer raises his eyebrows and she looks down, flustered.
“I need to ask you something.”
“Ask it then.” Sawyer takes a step back but she steps with him, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him to her, pressing her lips to his. It catches him off guard entirely and Sawyer lets it happen for a moment before he brings his hands to her shoulders and pushes her away gently. “What are you doin’?”
“That first time, Sawyer…when I invited you to be with Jack and I…you wanted the both of us, right?” Sawyer hesitates, running his hands over his mouth, and then nods slowly.
“Yeah. I wanted the both of you.”
“And I wanted the both of you too.” Kate states. Sawyer doesn’t see where she’s going with this. “So what changed? Why did it become you and Jack, me and Jack? Why…” Kate pauses. “Why did it end up like this?”
“Because…” Sawyer isn’t sure of the answer so he stumbles for an explanation, his confusion written plainly on his face. “Because. I don’t know. Maybe because you didn’t want the me and Jack part of it to happen. You were fine if it was about you but when it wasn’t…when there was something that didn’t involve you…You’re not willing to share him, Kate.”
“Would you share him?” Kate inquires. Sawyer stops, thinking, then nods.
“If it meant I could keep him, then…yeah.”
“But you wouldn’t like it.”
“I’ve been sharing him with you this whole time, Kate,” Sawyer replies. “Having Jack to myself is something I’ve never had.”
“But don’t you want that?” Kate can’t believe that he’s okay with it. Sawyer shrugs, not so sure that he’s okay with it himself.
“I don’t kid myself, Kate. I ain’t everythin’ he needs. I’m too damn screwed up to be that. He needs something from you that I don’t got.”
“I’m not enough either.”
“If that were true, he wouldn’t be avoidin’ me and hoping you’ll forgive him and take him back right now.”
“You think he’s…?” Kate starts hopefully, then stops. “He’s not, Sawyer. He thinks it’s all over.”
“Then why are you here tellin’ me it’s not, instead of there and tellin’ him?” Sawyer inquires, arching his eyebrow. Kate shifts, leaning closer to him, setting her hand on the crook of his elbow. He sets his hand on her waist and they gingerly let their fingers drift, his over her hip, hers over his arm.
“Because, Sawyer.” Her eyes dart downward a bit nervously.
“Because why.”
“Because I think maybe together…” Kate lifts her head up slightly and looks at him thoughtfully. “Maybe together we can all make it work. For real this time.”
“Together.”
“Yeah.”
“The three of us.”
“Yes.”
“Kate…” Sawyer cracks a small, anxious smile and steps back from her. He laughs slightly and shakes his head. “You really think the three of us tryin’ to have a real relationship is gonna work?”
“If you’re worried about what people will think-“
“Sassafras, when have I ever worried about that shit?” Sawyer cuts her off. “It don’t have to do with them. I just don’t see how it’ll work is all.”
“It will.” Kate states resolutely.
“How’s that?”
“Instead of two of us…there will just be three. We’ll make it work.” She’s clearly determined to see this through and Sawyer can see it in her face that she’s not going to let this go.
“Just like that, huh?” Sawyer doesn’t share her optimism. Kate holds his gaze and gives him a small nod before reaching down and gripping the bottom of her ragged t-shirt. She pulls it off over her head and then lowers herself to the ground, sitting down on Sawyer’s bed.
Sawyer stares down at her and he doesn’t know what to say. He hasn’t thought about Kate in this way in a long time. When things started with Jack, it took over everything. All he could see, all he could think about, was Jack. It was so startling and new and overwhelming, his attraction to Kate faded away. It seemed dull in comparison. Boring and usual.
But he had forgotten about the delicate swell of her small breasts, and how the soft curls of her long brown hair cascaded over her shoulders. Despite her lithe body and her strength, she still seemed light and feminine, soft and curvaceous in contrast to Jack’s masculine roughness.
He doesn’t realize he’s staring until Kate reaches up and hooks one finger through his worn belt loop and tugs downward, trying to get him to come sit next to her.
“Do you remember, Sawyer?” Kate asks him and it seems an apt question.
“Do you?” He inquires back, his voice wavering. Kate swallows hard, thinking back to the time that felt so lost to her yet in reality was not so long ago. The time when both Sawyer and Jack would look at her with hunger in their eyes and she would feel an electric spark shoot up her spine when Jack would smile or Sawyer would lean in just a bit too close, his nearness exciting. The time when it was still all a game to her, and to Sawyer.
It had never been a game to Jack.
That’s probably why they all ended up in this place, in love with him but alone and hurting, miserable. Kate brushes her hand over Sawyer’s stubbled cheek and gives him a small smile of reassurance. They are both back together now. A different place, but together nonetheless. She just has to make Sawyer realize it too.
Sawyer closes his eyes as Kate runs her hand slowly through his hair, letting it slip through her fingers in a rhythmic motion. He inhales and exhales deeply and tries to give himself time to think, to consider. Is this what he wants?
Part of him wants to selfishly believe that this doesn’t need to happen. That he can get Jack back and keep him all to himself, no Kate, no one else. He doesn’t want to put Kate back in the middle again, he can’t go back to that. Too much has changed.
“It’s not the same, Kate,” Sawyer murmurs, opening his eyes and covering her hand with his, stopping it from moving. Kate bites her lip, waiting for him to continue. “I can’t look at you the same way I used to. I don’t see you that way anymore.”
“I can’t look at you that way either, Sawyer,” Kate admits weakly. “You’re not the same to me. Not when I’ve seen you with Jack and watched you…” She looks away, tears springing to her eyes. “But that doesn’t mean we can’t have something. It just has to be different, that’s all.” She turns back to him, determined as ever, though a tear spills down her cheek.
“Kate…”
“We go from where we were before and we try to find some way to make it work. You wanted me once.”
“I did.”
“And I wanted you.” Kate takes his hand and guides it to cover one of her breasts, urging him to touch her. Sawyer watches her hand move over his as his fingers slip over her warm skin. He inhales sharply. “Just kiss me and we’ll see, Sawyer. Maybe it’s still there between us if we try.”
Sawyer doesn’t protest; he leans forward and lets his lips meet hers, aroused and curious as well as desperate and hopeful. She feels familiar and comfortable and he’s surprised by how much so. Her kiss warms his blood and as her tongue suggestively moves against his, he feels his cock start to go hard and he grips her breast of his own volition, shifting closer to her on the bed.
“That wasn’t so bad,” he whispers when she breaks away. Kate smiles gently and shakes her head.
“Not bad at all, Sawyer,” she says back. Kate begins unbuttoning his shirt and Sawyer just watches her do it, looking down as her nimble fingers slip the buttons through their holes and she lifts his shirt open, sliding her hands over his stomach and around his waist. He matches her motion, his palms cupping her hips and urging her closer to him.
“You really think we can do this?” Sawyer asks her as she starts unzipping his jeans.
“Lay back,” Kate tells him in response. Sawyer looks at her questioningly and she repeats herself. “Lay back.” Sawyer slowly does so and Kate finishes unzipping and unbuttoning his jeans, and then starts tugging them down his hips. He lifts his body to help her and she finishes pulling them off, pausing only to get his boots off first.
His cock lies half hard between his legs and he isn’t sure that he wants her to touch him, that he wants this. His stomach trembles in something akin to nervousness or fright, unsure that this is a good idea. But when her small hand closes around him, he can’t deny that it feels good. He lifts his head to look down the length of his body at her as she situates herself between his knees, bending down to take his tip into her hot, wet mouth. The sensation is so unlike what he has become accustomed to; she moves differently than Jack, feels differently. When he reaches down and twines his fingers in her long brown hair and guides her head as she bobs up and down his now turgid length, he tries not to think about Jack’s short brush cut and how it feels underneath his palms.
“Kate,” Sawyer breathes out sharply, forcing his thoughts back to her and her only. He wants her to stop and to take of her clothes, to straddle him and take him in, make him feel the wet slick warmth of fucking a woman again. “Kate…” He wraps his hand around his base and pulls himself from between her lips; she looks up at him, her face flushed and her eyes wild. He looks at her and tugs on his lower lip with his teeth as he strokes himself a few times, running his hand up and down his length before closing his fingers around his swollen dick and pumping hard. His groan is loud and honest; he wants it. He wants her.
Kate hurriedly strips off her jeans and panties and climbs on top of him, wrapping her hand over his. She hesitates before doing it and he nods, jerking his head roughly.
“C’mon, Kate…” he pleads. “Fuck me, please.”
She shifts and carefully guides his length inside of her body, gasping as she sinks down and impales herself on his hard cock. They both still completely, breathing sharply and looking down to where their bodies connect almost as if they can’t believe it’s happening, that they’re doing this.
“You feel good, Sawyer,” Kate murmurs breathlessly. She starts to ride him, shifting her hips and leaning forward slightly, placing her hands on his chest. They lock into one another’s gaze as he thrusts into her, watches the passion and lust flicker across each other’s faces. His hands find her hips and clutch at her skin, clinging to her. She can feel it building slowly, a pent up energy and sensation and friction as her body rubs against his and he pushes deeper, harder.
“Oh god…” Kate lets out a light whimper before she comes and Sawyer follows her, emptying himself inside of her with a few short thrusts. It felt good but not wonderful. It didn’t feel right but it didn’t feel wrong either. It fell somewhere in between.
Kate collapses against him and he holds her as they both calm down. His tent is hot and stifling but it surrounds them like a protective cocoon. Neither of them moves or speaks for awhile, unsure what to say and in no hurry to break the silence with the wrong words. She finally speaks first.
“I really have missed you, Sawyer. I didn’t really ever stop to realize how much.”
“Me too, Freckles…” He replies genuinely. Kate lifts her head from its resting place on his shoulder and runs her finger down the side of his cheek, looking at him thoughtfully.
“I don’t think I can love you the way I love him, Sawyer,” she says sadly but honestly and Sawyer nods, understanding. He’s not hurt but he knows she didn’t expect him to be, or she wouldn’t have said it.
“I didn’t think you could.” He replies.
“And you won’t love me the way you love him either.” Kate provides his next words and she doesn’t seem distressed by them either. They’re just facts; it’s how it is.
“It’s always going to be about him, y’know. For the both of us.” Sawyer murmurs, tracing lazy circles on her sharp shoulder blade with his index finger.
“I know.”
“We just gotta love each other enough to let the other have him,” Sawyer states. Kate sets her head back on his shoulder and settles down against him, wrapping her arm around his waist. “Trust and faith and all that shit.”
“Trust and faith and all that shit,” Kate echoes with a small smile, rubbing his stomach almost comfortingly. They are both relaxed now in each other’s company, like having sex had cleared the air between them, forced everything out into the open. “Those are things neither of us have ever been good at, Sawyer.”
“Doc’s a good influence. We’ll be fine,” Sawyer is joking but it’s still the truth. Jack is the part that will make this all work. Jack is what’s missing now.
“We should go find him,” Kate says and Sawyer nods. They help one another get dressed and pause before going outside. Kate reaches down and squeezes Sawyer’s hand, standing on tiptoe to give him a short but sweet kiss. “It’s gonna be okay now.”
“You really think?”
“Yeah. I do,” Kate smiles as she ducks out of the tent and onto the beach.
*******
------> THIS PART CONTINUED...