A Pain That I'm Used To - Part Five

[elise_509]

Series: A Pain That I’m Used To
Title: Part Five: Exposed
Pairing: Jack/Sawyer, Jack/Kate
Rating: NC-17
Note: Futurefic - set 1 year post-rescue
Disclaimer: Not Mine!
Previous Parts: One | Two | Three | Four



a line allows progress, a circle does not...
- bright eyes

“Kate.”

The name leaves Sawyer’s lips and stops short in the air, like a pulled punch.

She is standing there in the doorway, morning light striking the right side of her face, illuminating her as if she’s an old silent film star, all softness and radiance. Beauty with no words. She looks like an angel, though Sawyer doesn’t expect her to be the bearer of good tidings. The sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach barely hints at the deep pain brought on by seeing her again, letting herself into Jack’s house as if she has every right to be there.

“Sawyer.” His name connects like a smack in the face, the harsh sting lingering well afterward. Kate seems equally shocked to find Sawyer in Jack’s home, as if he is the interloper and not she.

“What the hell you doing here?” He asks bluntly, though his voice is quiet and low.

“You’re here.” Kate states, like the realization has just dawned on her.

“So are you, apparently.”

“I didn’t know you were here,” Kate shakes her head very slowly, trying to make sure she’s awake and not imagining this. “What are you…I mean…what are you doing here? I went back to Boston, looking for you. I went to your apartment, I went to the bar-“

”You went to the bar?”

“They said you hadn’t shown up to work for days. That you hadn’t returned anyone’s phone calls, that no one knew where you were. I was worried.” Kate takes a tentative step toward him and then steps back, unsure what to do. She glances around anxiously, the look on her face reminding Sawyer of the many times she had stopped him short in the jungle, thinking she heard something out amongst the trees. “Is Jack here?”

“At the hospital.”

Kate breathes an audible sigh of relief at this. She lifts her duffel bag from her shoulder and sets it down on the kitchen tile, then fixes her ponytail.

“I thought that’s where he’d be,” She smoothes the front of her khakis with the palms of her hands and shoots Sawyer a nervous grin. Sawyer tries to go along with this attitude, putting his hands on the back of the chair nearest to him and mustering a half smile.

“So, what…you just were swinging through town and thought you’d sneak into Jack’s house while he ain’t here for old time’s sake?” His tight grip on the wood of the chair undermines the effort even as he tries to sound casual. “Pick up some stuff ya left behind? See what’s changed?” Sawyer removes his hands, realizing his knuckles were turning white, and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Guest room’s redecorated. Emma’s got some shit layin’ around. That’s ‘bout all that’s different. Oh, yeah, and I’m here.” He grins, attempting to maintain his front, but his lips are tight and drawn, anger, fear, and resentment simmering just below the surface.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Kate laughs, a bit flustered, and pushes a stray hair out of her eyes. “What happened to your face?” She gestures toward her own face to illustrate the question.

“Had a meeting with someone’s fist,” Sawyer shrugs, not about to say that Jack had pummeled him and that he had let him.

“Obviously,” Kate retorts, then changes direction, knowing she’s not going to get an answer about his bruises. “It’s a good thing you are here, Sawyer.”

“Why’s that?”

“You’re the reason I came up here,” she explains. Sawyer can’t help but be confused by this. Rather than elaborating with words, Kate pulls a crumpled envelope from the back pocket of her pants and holds it out to him. She manages to keep the guilt from her face, forcing herself to act like she has every right to be in possession of the letter.

Sawyer reaches out and takes it from her with a harsh snap of the wrist, his eyes turning cold and hard.

“You took it?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“I thought I lost it. I tore my whole damn place apart lookin’ for it.” Sawyer opens the letter up carefully, pulling the paper from the envelope as if it is a crumbling ancient artifact, and looks it up and down. His lips settle into a deep frown, his brow furrowing. He shoots Kate a glare, accusatory. “You read it?” It’s not a real question. He knows she read it. “What’d you go and do that for? What god damn business is it of yours?”

“Sawyer-“

“Ever heard a somethin’ being private? Did I write Dear Kate on top? ”

“I’m glad I read it, Sawyer, I’m not going to apologize. Because if you’re thinking of-“

“Who says I am?” Sawyer cuts her off, knowing what she’s about to say and not wanting to hear it.

“How else am I supposed to take what you wrote, Sawyer?” Kate exclaims. Sawyer takes a step toward her and then shuffles back, wanting to hit her so badly he thinks he just might. He moves to put the table back between them, to stop himself from laying a hand on her.

“You weren’t supposed to take it any way at all, Freckles. This letter weren’t for nobody to read.”

Kate circles the table with one quick lunge and tears the envelope from his hand. She holds it up, waving it in his face.

“Then why is it addressed to Jack?” Kate slams it against his chest and shoves him backward. “You wanted him to read it, didn’t you?”

“Whoa, there, Freckles, I ain’t-“

“How do you think it would make Jack feel, Sawyer? If he had gotten this letter, after you…if you had…” Kate doesn’t finish the thought, not wanting to say it aloud. It would make it real. “How could you do that to him? How could you even think…it would’ve destroyed him. He never would’ve forgiven himself. To know that you…how you felt, all that time…and that you…” Kate stops, on the verge of tears. She stares at Sawyer, searching for an explanation on his face even though she knows she won’t find one there. “How could you?”

“Well I didn’t, did I?” Sawyer replies, his words razor sharp. His eyes narrow at her and she shakes her head at him in amazement.

“No, you didn’t. But I thought maybe you did. ” She looks away from him, bringing a hand to her forehead, still shaking her head. “When no one knew where you were…I really thought…I was really afraid, Sawyer…” Kate trails off. A tear falls down her cheek and she wipes it off angrily, pissed that Sawyer has her so upset. “I couldn’t exactly go to the cops and fill out a missing persons report…though I think that that girl you work with…Lucy? I think she was about to. You should call her, you know.” Kate pauses, getting herself back on track. “I came here because I thought maybe you had talked to Jack. And if you hadn’t, I thought Jack had a right to know what was going on.”

Sawyer hesitates before answering, the quick jibe not coming easily to his tongue this time. “Ever heard of a telephone, darlin’?” He inquires, snidely, backing behind his usual shield of sarcasm, and points to the one on the wall with a smirk. “You really that worried for my well-bein’, I’d a thought a phone call woulda been the quickest route to findin’ out if Jack knew a god damned thing ‘bout it.”

“I tried. From Boston, after I couldn’t find you. And in Albany, and Syracuse, and Buffalo…picked up a payphone at every stop. And from some poor lady’s cell phone twice between the border and Toronto…” She has to laugh at her own idiocy. “Every time I dialed the number and hung up before it even rang.”

“Took the route through New York, huh,” Sawyer comments, purposely ignoring every other implication of her statement. “Long ride. Like, 12 or 13 hours, if the driver ain’t speedin’, ain’t it?”

“Sawyer.”

“So you decided to come on up here and have a heart to heart with the Doc.”

“I couldn’t just call him up out of the blue like that. What was I supposed to say? ’Hey Jack, it’s Kate. Haven’t talked to you in almost 8 months, you know, since I ran off in the middle of the night, but hey - have you seen Sawyer, by any chance? Because I think he’s gonna off himself.’” Kate snorts. “Something tells me that wouldn’t have gone over so well.”

“More concerned about mendin’ fences with Jack than keepin’ me from ‘drastic measures’, I see,” Sawyer mutters, not really surprised or hurt by it, but commenting upon it solely to make Kate feel guilty. “Even enough time to stop by here before headin’ to the hospital, right?”

“Sawyer…”

“Maybe take a shower, get that bus stink off of ya, get all prettied up, then mosey on over to the ER and tell Doc I mighta thrown myself in the Charles.”

“Is that how you would’ve done it?” Kate almost demands, putting the attention back on him. Sawyer shrugs.

“Don’t know. Never thought much about it, honestly.”

“Evidence points to the contrary,” she points to the letter still clutched in Sawyer’s hand. He tosses it onto the table in front of him like it’s completely inconsequential.

“Evidence is circumstantial. Don’t prove nothin’.”

“This isn’t a joke, Sawyer. You can’t snark this one off. From that letter, I’d say it’s pretty damn clear that-“

“Ain’t nothin’ clear, princess. You think you know what I’m thinking, what I feel, cause you stole some damn letter?” Sawyer snaps, grabbing her by the wrist violently, yanking her toward him. His face stops inches from hers, his breath hot against her cheek. “You ain’t got a clue, sweetheart.”

“I know a lot, Sawyer. I know you found the real Mr. Sawyer,” Kate says, her words slipping out in a strangled whisper, both defiant and frightened. Sawyer lets go of her hand and turns away from her, the words striking a nerve and striking it hard. “That’s what you were talking about, in the letter, weren’t you? The thing that happened, that made you realize you’d never be…that you could never be anyone but…but him?”

“Yeah, I found him. So what.”

“When did you find him?”

“’Bout five months ago. Went lookin’ again, cause…cause I needed it to be over.”

“Did you…?” The question goes unspoken. Sawyer shakes his head no, almost unnoticeably.

“Son of a bitch was already dead. A year ago. Cancer.” Sawyer’s left hand clenches and unclenches by his side, trying to relieve some of the pain that Kate is dredging up. “Pissed on his grave. Then burned the letter.”

“And wrote a new one.” Sawyer doesn’t reply. “Why, Sawyer? You didn’t kill him. You didn’t do it. Why would you write to Jack that you-“

“Because I would’ve,” Sawyer cuts her off loudly, startling her. “I would’ve.”

“How do you know, Sawyer? You never got the chance.”

“I know. Standing there by that asshole’s grave…loving son, husband, father, it said on the fucking tombstone. Fucking prick probably had his kids hanging all over him when he went. Fools probably thought their daddy was a good guy. Never knew what he done before.” He levels his gaze at Kate, his eyes full of something beyond bitterness and rage, something that scares her. “If I woulda been in that room, I woulda shoved that letter down his throat, and I woulda shot him point blank right in front of his kids, grandkids, anybody who was there. How’s that, peaches? You still think I’m worth this little trip o’ yours?”

Kate swallows hard but doesn’t blink, doesn’t look away.

“You might believe the worst in yourself, Sawyer, but I don’t think you would’ve done it.” She’s not so sure she’s right about that, but she’s not sure she’s wrong, and that’s enough.

“We’ll never know, will we?” Sawyer sneers, staring intensely at her, trying to force her to back down.

“If you really believe that about yourself, Sawyer, then why are you here now? You think yourself so undeserving that you want to die, then why come here? To Jack?”

“Well, that’s the one thing we have in common, doll,” Sawyer cocks an amused smirk in Kate’s direction, tilting his head.

“What?”

“We both want to come back, don’t we? Even though we don’t think we deserve him.”

”And what’s changed?”

“I just stopped caring about whether I’m deserving or not and let it be.” Sawyer shrugs. “The one thing you never seemed to master.” He smirks again, proud of the look of pain that crosses Kate’s face. “Just think, you two coulda had happily ever after, if you had quit lookin’ the damned gift horse in the mouth and just accepted the fact that he loved ya.” This bothers her because she knows it’s true. She visibly weakens for a moment, feeling vulnerable, then turns the tables back on Sawyer.

“Have you told him?”

“Told him what.”

“Everything that you wrote in that letter. All of those intense things, about loving him, about wishing you were strong enough to be with him.” Kate’s voice breaks as she remembers everything that Sawyer had wrote in the letter, all of the things that had made her cry uncontrollably, because she felt them too. “Does he know?”

Sawyer stares at Kate for a long time before answering.

“No.”

The breath of relief that Kate lets out tells Sawyer all he needs to know.

“Is that really why you’re here?” Sawyer asks. “To make sure I’m not stealin’ him from ya?”

“No,” Kate says, sounding unsure. “No.” This time, more definite. “Don’t be silly. Jack doesn’t…” She stops, not wanting to hurt Sawyer’s feelings. “I don’t think Jack likes guys.”

“No…” Sawyer bites back the destructive urge to tell Kate that there is at least one guy Jack doesn’t seem to mind. Instead, he lies through his teeth. “No, he doesn’t. Don’t mean a guy can’t try.” The last part slips out despite himself, he just can’t help it.

“Did you...did you try, Sawyer? Is that why you’re here?” Kate is alarmed. Knowing Sawyer’s strong feelings, she’s scared Sawyer really would’ve tried to go for Jack, even knowing Jack’s preferences. Sawyer doesn’t answer her, but the look on his face seems to hint that something is going unsaid. “Has something happened?” Still no answer.

Sawyer wants to tell her, so desperately. Tell her that ’something’ happened a long time ago, that it’s happening again now. That last night he and Jack had fucked in her and Jack’s old bed, that they had woken up this morning in each other’s arms and he had felt the happiest he’d felt in his whole entire life.

For some reason, he just can’t bring himself to crush her.

Probably because he knows what loving Jack feels like. He’d been in Kate’s current position when they were on the island and during that first long year back. He knows firsthand how much it can hurt. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, he knows he should use it to stomp on Kate’s heart, let her realize exactly how things stand, and get her out and gone before Jack even knows she was here.

Maybe it’s the masochist in him, but he can’t do it. Can’t utter the words. Jack would hate him forever if he found out Kate had been here and Sawyer drove her away. He knows Jack would die to see Kate, that one look from her and the concept of ‘Jack and Sawyer’ would become nothing but a distant memory. Maybe it’s a sick need to punish himself, or perhaps he’s tricking himself into thinking that it’s a final act of selflessness, to give Jack the opportunity to be with the real love of his life while he gracefully makes his exit, but something makes him lie.

“No. Of course nothin’s happened. He thinks I was just passing through town and needed a place to crash,” Sawyer mumbles, looking away from Kate, not wanting her to be able to look in his eyes. The truth must be evident there; even a liar as accomplished as he is can’t hide it. There is silence then, as Kate lets his words erase her worry and Sawyer lets them destroy his last hope for some form of happiness.

He coughs once, loudly, clearing the emotion that had started to rise within him, and glances at her once, nervously, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Jack will want to see ya, ya know.”

Kate nods.

“I know.”

“Why don’t you get cleaned up and I’ll take you down to the hospital,” Sawyer offers brusquely. “ Jack left his car.”

“The subway is close, Sawyer, you don’t have to do that,” Kate resists and then shifts her reasoning, sensing that excuse isn’t enough. “And I don’t know if just showing up at the hospital is the best idea anyway. Maybe I should wait here until he gets home.”

“Wait around here all day? I don’t think so.” Sawyer scoffs. “Just go take a god damn shower and we’ll go, all right?” Sawyer doesn’t think ‘just showing up’ at the hospital is a good idea either, but he doesn’t want to prolong this misery. Sitting around the house making conversation with Kate for hours on end, idly watching minutes tick by and counting down to the end of his short-lived happiness…well, that seems like an even worse idea.

“Fine,” Kate gives in, the selfish desire to see Jack again easily winning out over the fear of what surprising him will cause. She’s halfway up the stairs before Sawyer’s voice stops her.

“Oh, by the way, Jack’s not with Emma anymore.” The words are weighted, at once accusing Kate of not thinking twice about ruining Jack’s supposed happiness with Emma, as well as providing her with the information to set her conscience at ease about re-entering Jack’s life. Her expression, a combination of relief and happiness, says more than any audible response ever could. “Thought you’d want to know.”

Kate nods before running up the rest of the flight of stairs, her feet feeling lighter now. Sawyer stares at the staircase long after she’s disappeared from sight, wondering what the hell he has just done.

*******

Sawyer watches Jack from a distance, taking in every last detail of his routine exchange with one of the nurses. He knows this could possibly be the last time he gets to see Jack without Kate by his side and he wants to remember everything. The serious tone of his voice as he gives directions and comments upon an upcoming procedure; so professional, so objective. Every word crisp and clear but not unfriendly. The smile he gives the woman, kind and honest, genuine, but so very different than the one that lights his face when he turns to see Sawyer standing twenty paces down the hallway, leaning against the wall.

The smile only stays for a moment before Jack hides it, hesitating a moment before excusing himself from the nurse’s company with a last instruction. Jack slowly walks toward Sawyer, raising an eyebrow as he stops in front of him. Sawyer wants to kiss him but knows that he can’t.

‘Not that I’m not happy to see you, Sawyer, but what are you doing here?” He asks, a slight note of nervousness in his voice. He glances around, like he’s afraid anyone watching would instantly be able to recognize what is happening between the two of them.

“Got a place we can talk, Doc? It’s important,” Sawyer replies quietly. Jack nods slowly.

“Sure…yeah. Let’s go to my office,” Jack makes a movement as if he’s going to touch Sawyer’s arm, guide him in the right direction, but instead brings his hand up to touch the back of his head. Then he gestures down the hallway. “This way.”

“Righto.” They walk in silence down to Jack’s office. Kate steps around the corner and watches them go, waiting until they’re almost to Jack’s door before following them. She stops about three rooms before Jack’s office and waits for Sawyer to come and get her, chewing on her fingernails like a small child, nervous about going to see the doctor and getting a shot.

Inside Jack’s office, Sawyer closes the door behind them with a heavy sigh. He doesn’t want to do this.

“Listen, Sawyer, I’m sorry,” Jack starts, taking the look on his face to mean he’s hurt or angry. “No one knows about Emma and I yet and I don’t want to dump this into the workplace. It’s bad enough I already have half the staff here knowing my personal business. Please don’t think that this is about me and you because it’s-“

He’s stopped by Sawyer grabbing him by the lapels of his white coat, turning him and slamming him against the door and kissing him so passionately that he forgets to breathe. He’s gasping by the time Sawyer pulls away.

“Don’t worry about that, Jack. I wasn’t ‘xactly ‘specting a PDA,” Sawyer murmurs and then kisses Jack again. His lips take possession of Jack, desperation obvious in every single meeting of their mouths. Sawyer kisses him like he’s terrified it’s the last time, as if the second he stops, the whole world will crumble apart; he’s only holding it together now with crushing kisses and frantic touches.

When Sawyer’s hands begin pulling harshly on the ties of Jack’s pants, Jack quickly pulls away from Sawyer. Sawyer looks at him and finds confusion and concern waiting for him in Jack’s brown eyes.

“What’s goin’ on, Sawyer?” He asks, brow creasing. Sawyer shoots him a smirk and deliberately finishes untying Jack’s pants with flourish. Jack’s hands catch Sawyer’s wrists as he moves to push the light fabric off his hips, stopping him. “Sawyer.” He lets go of Sawyer’s hands, bringing one of his own up to gingerly caress Sawyer’s face.

“Never really got what makes women so hot and bothered by doctors until I saw you in this coat, Doc,” Sawyer traces a finger across the name and title stitched across Jack’s jacket and then toys with the pair or pens sitting in the front pocket, the clip of his ID tag. “Even your damn scrubs are sexy.”

“Sawyer,” Jack tries again, brushing his lips gently against Sawyer’s, attempting to coax him from his usual innuendo and into real conversation. Sawyer takes the kiss as an invitation even though he knows Jack didn’t mean it that way, and forces the kiss deeper. Jack makes a small noise of protest as Sawyer pushes him back against the door, fumbling as he reaches behind Jack’s body to turn the lock.

He slides his hands then over Jack’s shoulders, pushing his coat off and then slipping back over his chest, sliding underneath the loose collar of his scrubs and then upward around the back of his neck. Stubbornly, he then tries for Jack’s pants again, only to be stopped once more.

“Sawyer, this is where I work. I can’t…I can’t do this here,” he tries to explain between gasps for air, his voice sounding surprisingly resolute for someone who can barely breathe. Sawyer ignores his request, grabs his waistband and drops to his knees as he brings Jack’s pants down. “Sawyer.”

“Jack. Just let me do this.” There is so much desperation, so evident, so clear, in Sawyer’s words that it stops Jack from replying, stunning him as he realizes the obvious distress Sawyer is under. He wants to ask its cause, but Sawyer’s mouth is already on Jack’s abdomen, pushing up his shirt as his tongue laves attention over his stomach, small kisses as his hands work at the waistband of Jack’s underwear. “Just let me do this one last time. Please.”

“One last…? Sawyer, what the hell are you talking abou-“ Jack’s confusion is completely ignored by Sawyer. He can’t explain now. He swallows Jack’s cock instead of answering, applying intense pressure right away with his tongue. Jack groans and bucks into Sawyer’s mouth almost instantly; his words are lost as all the blood in his body surges downward. Sawyer closes his eyes tightly as he works him, cataloging every sound Jack makes; it could be the last time he ever hears this, feels this, tastes this.

He wants this moment to last forever. To pretend that Kate isn’t waiting out in that hallway, waiting for Sawyer to restore to her the man that she loves. Jack certainly doesn’t know what’s about to happen; right now he thinks he’s just getting an intense blowjob in his office when he should be prepping for surgery or something equally important. He doesn’t have a clue that Sawyer is sucking on his cock so hard because he doesn’t want to let go, he just thinks Sawyer’s impatient to get him off. Just another sexual escapade in what, right now, he assumes will be a continuing line of them.

Because Jack doesn’t know who is behind the other side of that door.

Jack doesn’t know that Sawyer is saying good-bye, the only way he knows how.

“Fuck, Sawyer…holy fuck…god, I…oh god…” Sawyer holds Jack tightly as Jack comes, fucking his mouth hard as he pumps down Sawyer’s willing throat. Jack’s hands are on his shoulders, digging in, hips bucking toward Sawyer’s face. Jack had ceased being the one having things done to and had crossed over into being a willing participant, now equally doing. His cock thrusts in and out of Sawyer’s mouth as fiercely and as passionately as if he were actually fucking him, completely lost to it and knowing Sawyer is too.

Sawyer holds him there when he’s finished, waiting for every last aftershock to fade, until Jack’s softening erection ceases to even exist. Then he opens his eyes and lets go, ignoring the throbbing pain between his own legs while he plants kisses over Jack’s flushed skin. First on his thighs as he pulls Jack’s clothes back up around his waist, then over his stomach, pushing his shirt upward to reveal inches of skin at a time before dropping it back down, then over his arms, the sensitive inside of his forearm, the hardened muscles of his biceps. His neck, his jaw, the rough stubble of his cheeks, the smooth skin of his forehead, his closed eyelids, and then finally back to his lips. Every kiss becomes a memory, ingrained forever in his mind.

The entire time Jack lets him do this, not resisting. He lays his hands around Sawyer’s hips tenderly, sighing lightly against the sensations of Sawyer’s searching kisses. He knows if he asks the question, he won’t get an answer, so he doesn’t ask. He makes a movement to reciprocate instead, but Sawyer doesn’t let him; he just keeps kissing him like that is all he ever needs from Jack in return.

When Sawyer finally stops, he takes Jack by the hand lovingly, the first time he’s ever done so, and leads him away from the door. Sawyer places Jack in front of his desk and leans him against it, like a director setting up a scene, taking an actor to his mark. The deliberateness forces Jack to ask the question he didn’t ask before.

“What is going on, Sawyer?”

“Jack-“

“Don’t say nothing. Something is obviously wrong.”

“I love you, Jack.” Sawyer states firmly, clearly.

“Sawyer, tell me, what’s-“

“I love you.” Sawyer repeats, even stronger than before. Jack stops speaking for a moment, unsettled now.

“I love you too.” He replies softly, starting to feel a little frightened. “What is this about, Sawyer?”

Sawyer doesn’t say anything as he turns away and walks out of Jack’s office, leaving Jack alone and bewildered. A minute later he returns and Jack suddenly understands why Sawyer had leaned him against the desk. For support.

“Hi, Jack.”

A voice he never thought he’d hear again. A face he thought he’d never see.

He stares at Kate like a man seeing a ghost and Kate stares back like someone brought back from the dead, given a second chance at life.

She takes a tentative step toward him, unable to keep the smile of joy from her face, she’s so happy to see him, to be so close to him again. Tears spring to her eyes. Another step closer.

Sawyer watches the entire scene play out from the doorway, just waiting for the moment to come when he knows he and Jack are over and Kate and Jack have begun again.

“Kate…” Jack says her name, the single syllable still managing to sound shaky and unstable as it passes from his lips. “You’re…you’re here…” He laughs a nervous laugh, just a short burst in disbelief, and brings his hand to his head. “You’re here. Wha….what…what are you doing here? I mean, I don’t understand.” He shakes his head like he’s outright refusing to believe what his own eyes are telling him, tears beginning to fall down his cheeks.

“I’m here, Jack…I’m back. I’m home,” she whispers through her own tears. Another step closer. Jack wipes his face but it does no good, the tears are falling too heavily to brush them all away.

“Kate…” Her name is choked this time, no longer full of surprise, but full of relief. The tension seems to collapse then and Kate closes the gap between them, throwing her arms around him. His arms circle her waist immediately and he pulls her close, his tears mingling with hers. He holds her tightly, almost too tightly, like he’s trying to make sure she’s real.

Sawyer watches as Kate cups Jack’s face, brushes the tears from his cheeks, presses her lips to his.

And Jack kisses her back, just like Sawyer knew he would.

He walks out into the hallway, leaving Kate and Jack alone, and blindly crashes right into someone.

“Sawyer? What are you doing here?”

“You know, I’m getting really sick of being asked that question,” he mutters to himself before turning around to face Emma. She backs a few feet away from him.

Seeing him walking out of Jack’s office tears open her wounds further, hurting far more than the actual collision of their bodies. She expected to see Jack again, to have to run into him, but she had thought she’d be free of seeing Sawyer. Clearly she was wrong.

Sawyer sees the pain on her face and knows exactly what she feels like, though he’s sure he feels ten times worse.

“You want to see something funny, Emma?” He asks her.

“What?” Emma asks, not understanding his strange question. Sawyer puts his hand on her shoulder and turns her body gently to face Jack’s open door.

“You wanted to know ‘bout Kate?” He inquires. He’s too upset to care about Emma now. He wants to hurt her like he’s been hurt. “Well there’s Kate.” He points with two fingers toward the pair, still kissing one another deeply. Emma’s mouth drops and she looks at Sawyer. “You’re lucky you got out when ya did. You never woulda stood a fuckin’ chance against her.” He smirks through his pain. “You and I in the same boat now, sweetheart.”

He walks away from her before she can find her voice, think of a reply. So instead she stares at Jack, his arms wrapped around Kate’s small frame, and knows her predictions from yesterday have come true. She had said Jack would take Kate back if she ever showed up…and now she has.

It surprises her that she finds herself not only pitying herself, but Sawyer as well.

Not able to take it anymore, she quickly leaves before Jack can notice she’s there.

But Jack has lost himself in Kate’s kiss, oblivious to anything else. His mind is completely blank save the elation and release he feels at having this woman back in his arms again.

Then suddenly reality comes crashing back in, hitting him like a ton of bricks falling from the sky.

Sawyer.

Sawyer.

He rips his mouth from Kate’s and looks over her shoulder toward the door.

Sawyer’s gone.

“Shit.”

“What?” Kate asks, confused. Jack pulls out of her arms and brushes past her, staring at the empty doorway, wiping Kate’s kiss from his mouth with the palm of his hand.

“Sawyer. He left.” A realization sweeps through Jack’s mind; everything makes sense now. Sawyer’s strange behavior - the frantic sex, the desperate kisses, his bizarrely determined declaration…it all makes sense.

“Sawyer?” Kate looks around the room, also surprised to find him not there. “Oh god…” she breathes out, thinking it must’ve hurt him to see her kiss Jack like that. She hadn’t been thinking about him. The second she saw Jack, all she thought of was Jack.

“I have to go find him,” Jack makes for the exit but Kate grabs his arm.

“Jack, don’t, just let him go,” Kate tells him. From her perspective, this seems like the best course of action, thinking the last thing Sawyer needs is Jack coming after him, all full of friendly concern.

Then it hits her. Jack doesn’t know how Sawyer feels. Why does he care if Sawyer took off? Why does Jack have to go and find him?

“Jack?”

“Not right now, Kate,” He snaps at her and then hurries from the room. He looks around the busy hallway, seeking Sawyer out, but he’s not there. He’s at the stairwell before Kate even makes it out of the office. She follows him. He’s chasing Sawyer, she’s chasing him, and she doesn’t know why anyone is running at all.

She had come here to stop running.

This isn’t how this was supposed to go.

*******

Jack runs out the hospital doors, pushing past an orderly and bursting out onto the street, turning in every direction, desperate to find the one person he’s looking for in the crowd.

The street is full of the faces of strangers. Sawyer’s not to be seen.

“Damn it, damn it,” He whispers under his breath, still looking, still hoping he’s not too late. But he is. “Fuck!” The exclamation startles and offends those passing by and Jack is too distraught to care. He runs his left hand and then his right over his short hair and looks both ways again, walking to the curb, attempting to obtain a better sight of what’s across the street.

Wherever Sawyer went, he had gone there in a damn hurry.

It takes a moment for Jack to even realize Kate is beside him, her hand on his arm.

“Jack, what’s going on?” She asks. She looks panicked. Jack turns to her, his head swimming. For a moment he feels dizzy, disoriented, not sure what is going on around him. It’s all too much to handle at once. “Jack?” Kate’s voice rings shrill with concern now, watching as he sways slightly, his eyes going hazy. Quickly she grabs his arm with both her hands and steadies him, guiding him away from the foot traffic and leaning him against the railing of a nearby handicapped ramp. “Jack, are you all right?”

“Sawyer,” he mumbles, his gaze still darting through the crowd as if he can’t help it. Kate reaches up and grabs his chin, turning his face down toward hers, then moves both hands firmly to rest on his cheeks, holding him in her stare.

“Jack, just breathe. Look at me. Look at me,” She states, nodding slowly in encouragement as Jack’s eyes begin to focus. “Tell me what is going on. Why did Sawyer run?”

“Why did you?” Jack asks, delivering it in the same off-hand but cutting manner that he often used when they were on the island, the tone that always destroyed her. “Why are you back, Kate?” The initial happiness is gone now, as if Jack has finally remembered that he should be angry with her, not grateful for her return. Love had blinded him when he saw her; now his vision is clearing. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Jack, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I left, for what I put you through,” Kate starts pleadingly, then glances around at the people passing by. “We should go sit down somewhere.” She checks his waistband to make sure his pager is clipped on, a habit she picked up when she used to steal him away from work for lunch, and then tugs on his hand, trying to lead him away. “We can go to our place.”

“Our place? Our place?” Jack’s face screws up in disgust at her cavalier attitude. “What, Kate, you think you can just walk back into my life now, like nothing is different? You left, Kate!”

Kate doesn’t let go of his hand as he tries to pull away. She had expected this, had played out the scenario many times over in her mind. “I just want to talk, Jack.”

“I have to find Sawyer.”

“Why?” Kate demands. “Why are you so upset that he left?”

“Things have changed, Kate,” Jack tells her, her name clipped.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, you left, and things changed.” He says it like it’s a mathematical statement, as if one begets the other.

“What things, Jack?” She takes a step back from him, her forehead wrinkling with confusion and displeasure, already suspecting what Jack’s answer will be. “Did…did something…with Sawyer? Did you…” Kate can’t say it out loud, it’s too strange. She’s can’t imagine it. Jack, her Jack, with Sawyer. Finally she just spits it out quickly, crassly. “Are you fucking Sawyer?”

“Kate…”

“Just answer me, Jack.” Jack lets out a long breath, staring at the pocked and worn concrete of the sidewalk. He draws that breath back in and looks up at her, looks her straight in the eye.

“Yes. Sawyer and I are fucking.” He looks away, biting his lip, unsure if the tears springing to his eyes are from admitting to Kate the reality of the situation or from demeaning what he has with Sawyer to such a crude level.

”God…” She brings her hand to her forehead, turning away from him, then turning back, then turning away once more. She can’t decide what to do next, what to say. She wants to run away from it, pretend this isn’t happening. “Is it just sex?” A tear rolls down her cheek and she doesn’t bother to wipe it away. “Are you in love with him?” Jack doesn’t respond. “Jack! Do you love him?

“Yeah, Kate, I do,” he replies quietly. He can’t lie to her. Especially not about that. She looks so deeply hurt that the angry and troubled expression from Jack’s face disappears, replaced with a look of sorrow, of regret. “I’m sorry.”

“When…when did this happen, Jack? I mean…”

“Sawyer came to see me about a month after you left,” Jack starts, then stops. “But you already know that.” Kate nods. “And you knew how he felt.” Kate nods again, closing her eyes, wincing in pain, not wanting to hear what Jack is telling her. “I didn’t even have a clue that he…” Jack laughs lightly, anxiously. “I didn’t know that he felt that way. Not at all. But he told me, and he showed me.” Kate keeps her eyes shut tight. She can’t bear to look at him.

“I thought it was about you, at first. I thought that I was so hurt and upset by you leaving that I had used Sawyer for comfort, that I was lonely and confused and that’s why it happened.”

“But it wasn’t?”

“Partly it was,” he admits readily. “But if that were wholly true, I would’ve found anyone, it could’ve been anyone.”

“But it was Sawyer.”

“It was Sawyer. And that meant something, Kate. I wondered maybe if there was something to that, something that I had always felt that I never realized until…” Jack rubs his chin and then the back of his head, pacing back and forth in front of Kate slowly. “So I went to Boston to see him, to be sure.”

“I don’t understand, Jack. I was in Boston with Sawyer five days ago. He acted like nothing was different…” Jack’s head snaps toward her; he obviously hadn’t known that. “If you’re in love with him, what about that woman? What about Emma?”

“How do you…?” Jack is puzzled by Kate’s mention of her until the pieces fall into place. “You told Sawyer about Emma…how did you know, Kate?” He studies her face carefully, seeing panic there, along with the answer to his question. “You were here? In Toronto?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you…how could you come back, and not even-”

“I couldn’t help it, I had to see you,” Kate explains, moving toward him again, unable to stop herself. She wants him to hold her, to pretend that none of the past 8 months have ever happened. He continues pacing and she matches him, following by his side, trying to get him to stop. “I couldn’t be with you, but I couldn’t stay away. I saw you with her…and yeah, I got upset. I went to Sawyer and I knew he’d understand how I felt…” She drifts off and ceases walking, inwardly laughing at the irony of it all. “I apparently didn’t know how much he really did understand.”

Kate watches Jack intently as reality slowly seeps into her consciousness. She can see the emotions warring within him, tearing him apart. She hates it, hates herself. She caused this. She did this. If she hadn’t gotten scared, if she hadn’t run…

“I blew it, didn’t I?” Kate asks softly. Jack stops in his tracks and faces her.

“What?”

“You and I…there is no second chance. I ruined everything.” She says, anguished. “You don’t love me anymore.”

“That’s not true, Kate,” Jack replies earnestly and adamantly, before he even thinks about the answer. The response is natural. “You have no idea how much I love you.” He takes her in his arms and pulls her close, burying his face in her hair as she leans her head on his shoulder. “That doesn’t ever go away.”

“I wanted to come back so many times, Jack,” she murmurs, the words muffled against his chest and also by her tears. “There are so many things I wish I could change, that I could do over. I can’t stop thinking about what life would be like now if I hadn’t lost the baby. We’d only be a month away from having-“

“What did you just say?” Jack pulls back from her sharply, stunned.

“When?” Kate hasn’t realized yet what she had let slip out, doesn’t know why Jack looks so shocked.

“Just now. About the baby. You said If I hadn’t lost the baby..”

“No…no I didn’t.”

“I know what I heard.”

”It was just a slip of the tongue, I didn’t mean-“

“The test was negative, Kate.” Jack stares at her, wide-eyed. “The test was negative.”

“Jack…”

“What…when did you…” Jack can’t find a coherent thought. “I was with you when you got the results, Kate. We sat in that office together and Greg came in and told you that the home kit was wrong. I was there.”

“He lied.”

“Why…why would he …”

“Because I asked him to,” Kate says quietly. Jack’s eyes flare with anger and Kate knows it’s not toward her, but toward her doctor. “He’s your co-worker, but he was my doctor…he had to follow my wishes.”

“I don’t understand, Kate.”

“I didn’t want you to know that I lost it, all right?!” Kate nearly shouts. Jack’s mouth falls open and all anger disappears from his face, first replaced with shock and then the pain of realizing what Kate has just said. “It was better if you never knew I was pregnant at all.”

“Why didn’t you tell me, Kate?” Jack’s eyes are watering and he’s biting back the tears.

“I couldn’t stand letting you down, not when I knew how badly you wanted it to be true…I never knew that I wanted it to be true either, until suddenly it wasn’t anymore.” Kate is crying openly but she doesn’t want Jack to see. She covers her face with her hands, feeling weak.

“Let me down? Kate…god, no…”

Then Jack’s hands are over hers, carefully prying them away from her face, twining his fingers with hers and bringing them down between them. He’s kissing her, sweetly, delicately, with more love than Kate had ever felt from anyone. She whimpers against his lips, still crying, but tears of hope are mingling with her tears of sadness now. He lets her hands go so he can touch her face and she puts her hands over his wrists, needing to hold onto him.

“Kate…” He says her name between gentle kisses, his lips pressing against her cheeks, her forehead, her closed eyelids.

“Jack…”

“Kate…” He holds her tenderly as he draws back ever so slightly, lightly brushing her tear-stained cheeks with his thumbs, looking at her with a new understanding. “That’s why you left?” She nods slowly and Jack sighs through his tears. “God, why didn’t you tell me…? I never would’ve blamed you, Kate. I never would’ve…kids or no kids, I would’ve been happy.”

“I know you feel that way, because you’re you…” Kate sniffles, attempting to sort out her thoughts so she can make everything clear to him. “I just freaked out. Getting married, having a family…I never thought in a million years I’d do those things. That I could do those things.” She corrects herself.

“You can have them if you want them, Kate.”

“But I won’t be a good mother, I won’t be a good wife. I’m too messed up.” She lifts one hand from Jack’s and wipes her face clumsily like a small child. “I thought you needed someone better than me, Jack.”

“You don’t have to be a mother, Kate, or a wife, not if you don’t want to. You could just be you. We could’ve been you and me, plain and simple, if that’s what you needed.”

“We could’ve been,” Kate repeats his words heavily. Jack sighs deeply, closing his eyes. He doesn’t know what to say. They could still be, so very easily. Having Kate in his arms again lends him a feeling of utter completion that he hadn’t felt in months. He embraces her tightly instead of answering, his head resting on top of hers, her nose nuzzled against his neck. She fits against him so perfectly, like she was made to be in his arms.

But when he opens his eyes, he realizes the first thing he does is scan the street for Sawyer, hoping he’ll find him.

“Come on…let me take you home.” Jack kisses the top of her head gently before disentangling himself from her, reaching and taking her hand again, giving it a comforting squeeze.

“You don’t have to go back in?” Kate gestures toward the hospital doors.

“Got nothing on the board for this afternoon. They can call me if they need me,” he says. “Let me just go let someone know where I’ll be, okay?”

“I’ll wait right here.” Kate forces a smile as Jack disappears into the hospital. It seems like he’s gone forever, the minutes ticking by slowly. By the time he reemerges through the automatic sliding doors fifteen minutes later, she was ready to believe that he had changed his mind and was never coming back.

But he is back, standing in front of her with his street clothes on and briefcase in hand.

“Let’s go,” he says gently, placing his hand on the small of her back and guiding her the first few steps away from the hospital. Kate reaches for his hand out of habit, the action so second-nature that even months apart hadn’t erased it. Her hand clasps his and they both tense for a moment, not sure what to do.

It’s Jack who lets it be, who smiles half-heartedly and starts walking forward.

Yet with every step he feels like he’s moving backward, toward something he no longer seeks as a destination.

-------> THIS PART CONTINUED...