Reason
Title: Reason
Pairing: Jack/Gabriela
Rating: R
Spoilers: 4.04 “Eggtown”
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Dedication: Happy birthday, Claudia (amantium_irae)!
“Thanks.” Jack smiles faintly at the barista as she hands him his cup of coffee. The paper cup is scalding hot against his palm even through the flimsy cardboard wraparound that’s supposed to keep that from happening. He winces and transfers the cup to his other hand, trying to keep only the pads of his fingers in contact with the cup until he can make it to the cream and sugar. He sets it down quickly on the speckled gray and black counter top and shakes the pain from his hand before lifting off the plastic lid.
He’s tossing in a packet of sugar, using one of those dinky wooden stirrers, when someone stops beside him. It takes a second before he realizes that the woman standing there isn’t waiting for him to move out of her way, but simply waiting for him. He glances at her and she smiles nervously, actually giggling.
“I’m sorry, I don’t normally do this, and I hate to bother you, but…you’re Jack Shephard, right? The doctor, from 815?” She asks hopefully, unsure. Jack forces a smile on his face, one that’s growing harder to fake with every passing day, and nods.
“Yep, that’s me,” he admits, placing the lid back on his coffee and turning to face her completely. He’s still not used to this, to people knowing his name and approaching him in public, like they would a famous actor or musician. He doesn’t feel like he should be a celebrity. The girl in front of him breathes a sigh of relief and her smile grows wide, her blue eyes sparkling.
“Oh, good, I was so worried I was going to make a fool of myself. I just wanted to say that I think you are so amazing, it’s so cool what you did. And surviving that plane crash, wow. I can’t even imagine…” She puts her hand on his arm as she talks, as if they’ve been friends for years. Jack can tell she doesn’t realize she’s done it because all of a sudden she glances down and quickly removes her hand, blushing.
“I didn’t really do anything,” Jack replies, shaking his head. They’d told the world that Kate had been the heroine, but somehow that didn’t stop people from thinking him a hero.
“So modest,” The girl coos before fumbling into her purse and pulling out a pen, searching more for a piece of paper. She finally finds a crumpled receipt. “Would you mind terribly if I asked you for your autograph?” She hands the receipt and pen to him sheepishly, embarrassed. “Um, that’s the only paper I have, I…”
“Sure, not a problem,” Jack nods and sets the receipt face down on the counter, trying to flatten it out. He clicks the pen and then looks up at her. “What’s your name?”
“Rachel.” Jack scribbles what’s become his standard: It was nice to meet you, - insert name here -, Jack Shephard and then clicks the pen closed. He hands the paper and pen back to her.
“Here you go, Rachel. Thanks for stopping to say hi,” He picks up his coffee. Rachel looks at his signature as he turns to go.
“It was nice to meet you too!” She calls after him. He looks back, smiling a goodbye, then pushes out the door. The afternoon sunlight is jarringly bright and he reaches for his sunglasses. It only takes one moment of not paying attention to where he’s going to walk right into someone. The lid on his coffee comes loose and liquid sloshes to the pavement, hot drops splashing onto his hand, dripping onto his shoes.
He bites back a four-letter word and looks up, ready to apologize.
“I’m so sorr-“ The words stop halfway out of his mouth and fall to join his coffee on the sidewalk. “Gabriela.”
“Jack?” Her dark hair shimmers in the sun and her blue eyes sparkle despite her surprise. “My god, Jack?” They both stare at one another, frozen in shock, before finally forcing themselves to move again. One step forward, then back, then forward again before they manage an awkward hug hello, Jack careful to keep his dripping coffee away from her beautiful clothes.
“Gabriela…what are you doing here?” Jack asks, his voice almost breathless. He tosses his now half-empty coffee into the nearest trashcan then looks for something to dry his wet hand.
“Here,” Gabriela takes a tissue from her purse and hands it to him.
“Thanks.” He takes a step back and looks at her, like he can’t believe she’s real. “What are you doing here?” He inquires again with a little more interest and a little less shock. She gestures toward the coffee shop.
“I was just going to get a cup of coffee-“
“No, I mean, here in L.A.. What brings you to California?”
“I live here now,” she explains. “I move - moved - here after my father…there was nothing to keep me in Italy. He was the only family that I had. So I move here, make a fresh start, as you say.” Gabriela smiles, letting it slowly fade as she stares at him. “I cannot believe it is really you. I have seen you on the news, you do know.”
“Kind of hard to miss, these days,” Jack admits, shrugging. “I’m sure my fifteen minutes will be up soon. Hopefully.”
“You hope so? It is amazing, what has happened. It is like you have come back from the dead. People will not forget so fast.”
“I think they will,” Jack disagrees good-naturedly, though he’s perfectly serious. Pretty soon he and the other “Oceanic Six” will be just another footnote in history, a trivia question, a vague recollection.
“I was so sad when I learned of the plane accident,” Gabriela tells him, her smile disappearing completely. “I called my best friend, I was crying, and I said to her, ‘the doctor who tried to save my father, he has died.’ It was terrible. And then you are back.” Her grin reappears.
“It’s been strange, I know.”
“I am so glad that I have run into you, Jack,” she says. “I never thought that I would be fortunate enough to see you again. I did think about trying to call you, when you were on the news, but I did not think that it would be the right time. I was sure that with your family and with your friends, it was not my place. I was not even sure that you would remember me, after all of those years.”
“Of course I remember you,” Jack replies; there’s no way he could forget her. “I’m glad we ran into each other. It’s great to see you.”
“It is good to see you too, Jack.” She gazes at him, her head slightly tilted to the side as if she’s considering him carefully. She turns to go and then stops, coming back. “I hope you do not consider me too forward, Jack, but I read that you and your wife, you are no longer married. That is correct?” Jack nods, his brow furrowing. Gabriela pauses, her hand playing with the strap of her purse as she contemplates whether or not to ask. “Would you like to have dinner with me, Jack? Tonight?”
Jack hadn’t been expecting the invitation, much less for that very evening, and he hesitates before responding.
“Tonight? I, uh-“
“It is all right if you are busy,” Gabriela rescues him. She opens her purse and pulls out her wallet, taking a business card from its folds. “It does not have to be tonight. You should give me a call, when you are free. We can…” Her eyes narrow as she tries to find the right phrase. “Catch up. I am sure you have very many interesting stories to share.”
“They’re more odd than interesting,” Jack says, more to himself than to her, as he takes stiff card from her outstretched hand. He looks at the embossed name and number and not at her, wary of what his eyes will betray if he meets hers.
“I would like to hear them just the same,” Gabriela responds, setting her hand on his and folding his fingers over to clasp her card. She steps closer and raises on tiptoe, planting a kiss first on his right cheek, then his left. “I will look forward to hearing from you, Jack.”
She squeezes his hand gently and then steps back. She’s a few paces away when Jack lifts his head, suddenly filled with determination.
“Gabriela?”
She turns back to face him gracefully, an elegant shift of her high heels and twist of her shapely hips. Her face is hopeful without being expectant. There’s not a shred of manipulation or deviousness in her expression; Jack can see that her invitation, her card, her touch, had been honest, not some knowing maneuver made by a woman who knows the game and knows the score.
“I’m actually free tonight,” he states. “Where would you like to go?”
*******
Jack stares at Gabriela over the warm candlelight, wondering how he could’ve woken up this morning and been reluctant to get out bed. Things had seemed too hopeless then. Kate in prison awaiting trial, Hurley hiding away in a mental institution, Sayid god knows where…only Sun seemed to be doing all right, but that was only in comparison. She had Ji to take care of, but Jack knows if she didn’t, Sun would maybe be the worst off out of all of them.
Now, only twelve hours later, Jack is sure that this dinner, this evening, is a turning point for him. He could do this; he could live again. He could forget the lies and build something honest. He has to start fresh.
“Would you like to dance?” Gabriela sets down her wine glass delicately and gestures toward the dance floor, a glint in her eye. Jack ducks his head, laughing shyly. “What?”
“You don’t want to see me dance.” He defers, shaking his head. “It’s never a good idea.”
“Oh, I do not believe this,” Gabriela retorts, rising from her chair. Her black dress hugs her upper body, accentuating her beautiful breasts, slim waist, curvaceous hips, before shimmering in waves down to her knees, flouncing in light waves against her thighs. Her elegant, tasteful diamond ear bobs match the shine of her necklace, but it is the look of her eyes in the dim light that takes Jack’s breath away.
She takes his hand, leading him up from the table.
“A man can always dance if he finds the right partner,” Gabriela informs him, leading him to the dance floor. “I will show you.” She pulls him close and situates his hands as they should be. Jack hasn’t danced since his wedding but he tries to remember what to do, how to lead. Gabriela smiles as they begin to move to the music. “See, you are not so bad.”
“I’ll try not to crush your toes,” Jack promises. She laughs and the sound is musical. Jack can’t help but smile. He can feel himself loosen up in her embrace. He remembers this about her - this lack of expectation, this ease and comfort. Gabriela always had an unexplainable way of being fiery and demanding without creating too much pressure.
She never would’ve let him refuse to dance. She would’ve dragged him to the floor and made him try.
But that’s enough. She isn’t disappointed when she realizes he’s not lying; he really is a poor dancer. She moves with him anyway as if he were Fred Astaire to her Ginger Rogers. He can’t help but enjoy it, even when he breaks his promise and steps on the toe of her Monolo Blahnik.
He starts to apologize but she presses a finger to his lips, shushing him.
“Don’t think about it,” Gabriela instructs him.
“Don’t think about it, huh.” Jack chuckles. Telling him not to think on something is asking the impossible. She seems to know that, because her lips replace her finger against his mouth, her kiss soft and playful and more than enough to keep his mind off what his feet are doing.
“Sì. Don’t think about it,” she whispers, wrapping her arms loosely around his neck. “Just dance.”
So he does.
*******
He’s shouldn’t be surprised when he finds his own picture on page six the next day, or on the magazine rack a few days after that. He and Kate had made for good speculation in the rumor mills when they’d first been rescued, but the furor had dissipated. Apparently not enough, however, to keep inquiring minds from asking who the new dark haired beauty was on his arm.
Jack hadn’t seen photographers as they left dinner and he wonders whether they were well hidden or if he’s just stopped looking, stopped caring. His life hasn’t been his for so long maybe he’s ceased to question his cage.
Gabriela laughs and runs her smooth hand through his hair when he asks her if she’s all right with her newfound status as his mystery girlfriend.
“Am I your girlfriend?” Is her reply as she rolls on top of him, the sheets tangling around her body and her long wavy hair falling around his face like a curtain. “It has only been a week, Jack.”
“Sorry, that’s not what I meant to-“
“I like the sound of it though, mystery girlfriend. I sound like a crime fighting superhero of some kind.” She pounds her small fists playfully against his chest like she’s beating back a villain or archnemesis, then laughs. Jack laughs too but he knows it sounds slightly forced, her attempt at humor not enough to dissuade him from the issue that nags at the back of his mind.
“Jack.” Gabriela puts one hand over the other flat on his chest and then rests her chin over them, looking up at him with wide, open eyes. “Jack.” She says again, making sure she has his attention. “Does it bother you?”
“Does what bother me?”
“The gossip columns. The pictures. Does this bother you?”
“Kind of,” he sighs.
“Your movie stars, they come to Italy to hide out. I still have a home there, if you would like to get away,” she offers. Jack doesn’t reply; he doesn’t know what to say. Gabriela traces a finely manicured finger over his mouth, her deep red nail polish rich against the line of his pale lips. “You could use time away from all of this, you know. To clear your head?”
“Gabriela…” Jack starts, though he still has nothing to continue on with.
“Jack, I kissed you long before this, right? Before you were one of these ‘Oceanic Six’, before they were taking your picture. I am not worried about photographers, I do not care. I wanted you then, I do still want you now. Perhaps this is too much to say, but we have time to make up for. Yes?” She looks to him to see if he agrees and he stares at her. She stares back, awaiting his response without a sign that she’s scared he could say no.
“Yes,” he murmurs softly before cupping her face in his large hands, his thumbs brushing her cheeks. His lips curve upward in a gentle, timid smile before she shifts up his body, dipping to meet his inviting kiss. Jack loses himself in it the way he’s been trying to lose himself in her all week, with long, hot nights and crazy days.
Gabriela is like a vacation from all things terrible and horrible hanging over his head. She is warm, enveloping him completely like heat from the sun on the island, but with her it’s somehow soothing and comfortable; he can just close his eyes and bask in her glow. It’s so easy, Jack thinks, as her tongue slides along his, a whispers of a moan slipping past her lips, So easy to be with her.
She pulls her head back to look down at him, her eyes thoughtful, her long fingers stroking through his hair slowly. She loves to do that, her hands always absently winding through the short strands. Jack likes it; he’d forgotten how that felt after so many years of keeping his hair clinically and effectively shorn close.
The morning light from his bedroom window casts an angelic aura around Gabriela’s head, her mussed hair and olive skin strikingly beautiful in the clean white morning rays. Outside birds are chirping and he can hear the next door neighbors’ children playing. It’s so perfect that he can’t help but wonder if he’s dreaming.
Jack slides his hands over Gabriela’s bare, smooth shoulders and down the curve of her back, settling in the small, his thumbs brushing over the curve of her hips.
“You’re beautiful,” he says, lifting his head and kissing her again. She smiles against his lips and then sinks completely into it, her body melding against his. He rolls over carefully, fitting her underneath him, and Gabriela wraps her thin legs around him, pulling him tighter. He kisses her neck, the line of her jaw, the sharp rise of her collarbone. She holds his head to her chest and arches to get more as his lips move over the swell of her breasts, teeth and tongue gently sucking and licking her nipples.
Gabriela talks to him, telling him how much she wants him, begging for more, praising his strength and his beauty and his smile. She is enthusiastic and open and so different from any other woman who ever shared his bed. She hides nothing. Even without words, he can see it written plainly on her face.
He’s always doubted why anyone would really want him, but with Gabriela, even if he doesn’t know why, he never doubts for a second that it’s him she wants. For whatever reason. He’s so sure of it, he almost doesn’t feel the need to understand it.
Moving down the length of her lithe body he spreads her thighs, slipping along and into her wet entrance, his fingers following his mouth and setting her so close to the edge, keeping her there for an exquisitely agonizing length of time. Then he rises up and finds her lips again, muffling her impassioned groans with endlessly deep kisses that let her taste herself on his tongue. She begs him to fill her and she is perfectly tight around him when he does.
They make love slowly, Gabriela pliant and willing underneath him, undulating to meet his measured thrusts. She mumbles things in Italian every so often and even though he doesn’t know what she’s saying, the way she speaks makes him hot all over, makes him push into her harder. Jack loses control at the sound of his name falling from her lips again and again, the way she makes it sound, the way she means it like no one else ever has.
He forgets everything and everyone else except her and for one blissful moment, it feels like heaven.
******
He doesn’t want to be here but he couldn’t stay away.
“How is Aaron doing?”
Jack asks the question awkwardly to finally break the tense silence, not meeting her eyes as they sit across from one another in the visiting area.
“He’s fine. I can’t wait for this to be over so I can go back home to him.”
Jack nods, glancing up at her and then looking away. He hates the way she talks about Aaron, like he’s hers. He bites back the reminder of all that had happened to put the boy in Kate’s arms, knowing that some things have to remain unsaid in these new lives they’ve made.
Kate runs a hand over her leg, her fingers pulling at a fold in the stiff orange fabric.
“How are you?” She inquires in that voice that always sounds on the verge of tears now. Jack sighs and shifts in his seat.
“I’m okay.”
“I saw your picture in the paper,” Kate comments, brushing her hair from her face and looking away from him now. “On TV too. With that woman, that Busoni woman.”
“Gabriela?” Their eyes finally meet and Jack tries not to notice the watery shimmer in Kate’s green eyes. He swallows hard.
“She’s beautiful.”
Jack doesn’t know what to say. He tries to change the subject.
“Is there anything that I can do for you, Kate? Is there anything you need? Your lawyer mentioned-“
“Don’t listen to him.” She shakes her head then wipes her eyes, a few tears escaping before she can stop them. She forces a smile onto her face. “I would really love it if you want to see him, though. It would help for him to see someone he recognizes, Jack. He’s-“
“Kate.” Jack stops her and she swallows her words, knowing it’s no use.
“Yeah. I know.” She sighs. “But just think about it, okay?”
Jack nods, biting his lip. He stands up.
“I will. I have to go.”
“Yeah. Okay.” She sits there silently as he signals the guard, watching him go. He doesn’t look back.
*******
Jack sits in his jeep, the smell of damp concrete and motor oil floating in through his open window. He looks at his cell phone again, checking the time. He’s not quite sure why he’s here, why he feels the need.
Time and time again he comes back around to this but he can’t stop himself. Whenever he closes his eyes he sees that expression on Kate’s face when he uttered those words in court: No. Not anymore. He’d tried to mean them. He’d thought of Gabriela when he’d said them, thought of going to Italy and leaving Kate, leaving all of this guilt and this shame behind.
But that night, even with Gabriela in his arms, he couldn’t deny he’d only added another untruth to his pile of lies.
When Kate walks into the parking garage, looking so unlike the Kate he knows with that blouse and skirt and high heels, he calls out to her, crossing toward her nervously. There’s no reason for him to tell her this, but he does anyway. Reason has never applied to his feelings for her.
“I just wanted to tell you, what I said in there…I didn’t mean it.”
Kate looks at him for a long moment, a small smile creeping over her face as she asks him to follow her home. She doesn’t say it back though, as she never has. In that instant Jack knows that he’d made the wrong choice, that he hadn’t thought this through before coming to meet her. Nothing’s changed between now and then. His heart is still hers but they can’t do this. They can’t be together, not with this wall of lies between them.
The happiness in her eyes dies as he backtracks. It’s too late to take it back though, so all that’s left is for her to leave.
He doesn’t call Gabriela that night, even though he’d promised to. She doesn’t deserve his dishonesty. He’s not dragging her down to his level.
*******
Two days later he knocks on her apartment door, flowers and two tickets in his hand. When Gabriela stands before him, her face is blank but she lets him inside without a word.
She taps a newspaper that she has folded on her kitchen counter and then looks at him, her stare determined.
“I have been reading about the trial, Jack. She is free now?”
“Yes,” Jack nods. Gabriela nods back, setting her jaw in a tight frown.
“So this disappearing act that you pull…I suppose that you have some things to figure out? This is why?”
Jack opens his mouth and realizes that a lie was already on the tip of his tongue, ready to go. He stops and rethinks his words.
“You said at the trial that you did not love her anymore. I look at you and I know that is untrue.” Gabriela continues, folding her arms over her chest. “Is she what you want?”
“Gabriela…” Jack sets the flowers down over the newspaper, sighing. “I need you to know…this thing with Kate, whatever we had…some part of that is never going to go away. I can’t…I can’t make it go away. I’ve tried. But she is not what I want.”
“We are barely anything to one another, Jack, you do not have to-“
Jack holds up the two tickets in his hand and Gabriela stops. She knows what the destination is without having to look.
“Then let’s be more than ‘barely anything’,” Jack says. His heart is beating fast; he knows he’s taking a risk by doing this, by being so purposely vulnerable, but this is what she always gives him. It seems only fair that he gathers the courage to do the same. “My life is starting over and I’d like to give this a shot. If you’re willing.”
Gabriela looks at him carefully.
“It has only been a month between us, Jack,” she states calmly, taking a step toward him. “I do not know if I can be your solution.”
“I’m not asking you to be a solution. I’m asking you to go on a trip,” Jack holds out the tickets to her and she slowly reaches out to take them, her blue-grey eyes warming slightly. She considers his offer for a few tense minutes and then nods. Closing the gap between them, Gabriela kisses him with reservation for the very first time.
Jack hopes it will be the last.