Even Score - Part Three
Series: Even Score
Title: Subject to Change
Pairing: Kate/Jack/Sawyer
Rating: NC-17
Prompt: psych_30 #10, Approach-Avoidance
Spoilers: Set sometime in the future after 2x09 "What Kate Did"
Disclaimer: Not Mine!
Previous Parts: 1 | 2
It’s getting dark and she knows she should go back.
But she has to make a decision before she goes anywhere.
Claire has been walking up and down the length of the shoreline for hours. The skin of her bare feet prickles now, the rough grains of sand rubbing more harshly with every step. The air is no longer warm, no longer smells of sunshine. Night is beginning to set in, everything cooling and settling around her. Everything is calm except for her; inside she is toiling like the breaking waves, but with none of the serene comfort of knowing that reaching shore is their purpose.
If she knew her purpose, knew what to do, she’d be doing it. But there’s nothing for her except confusion and despair.
The sky is swirled with the last strokes of sunset, the pinks and purples fading into a pale gray-blue that she knows will surely progress to black within half an hour. The stars are faintly visible already, peeking through the clouds. Stars and sunlight always felt surreal to her, two things side by side that should never share the same sky simultaneously.
Two things side by side that simply should not be.
But life is surreal now. All of it. What once was ordinary is now strange and the weird is commonplace. She knows not much should surprise her anymore, yet what she had witnessed in the jungle earlier that day shocked her to the core. She feels like she’s reeling from it still, her feet unsure of where they stand and the horizon seemingly slanting crooked the longer she stares at it.
Jack.
Sawyer.
Jack and Sawyer.
The image of the two men, frantically touching and kissing one another, is burned into her mind. She can’t stop herself from seeing it, playing it over and over again like a bad video art project on a loop. She had never imagined that two men as antagonistic as Jack and Sawyer had been are now lovers. Lovers.
When Kate had told her about what had happened between the three of them in the hatch, it was surprising but somehow, it made sense. Jack and Sawyer wanted Kate and now they both had her; if Kate wanted them both in return, then it was Kate’s call. A bit risqué perhaps, but she wasn’t one to judge.
But what had happened out in the jungle, mere hours ago…that hadn’t been about Kate at all. It was between the two of them and only the two of them.
Jack and Sawyer.
Claire can still hear Sawyer’s breathless, raspy voice, begging Jack to fuck him, just like she can hear Jack groaning and gasping as he pounded into Sawyer from behind. She doubts she’ll ever be able to forget it, the sight, the sound of it, the arousal and disappointment that she felt as she watched them move together.
They fucked like they fought - heatedly, passionately, blindly.
Claire knows she has to tell Kate, but she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want to be the one who has to speak the truth or the one who has to see the brokenhearted look on Kate’s face when she realizes Jack has betrayed her.
Turning back once more in the direction she had just come from, she sees someone standing along the shore. Someone she really does not want to see. In that moment she breaks, her anger and resentment bubbling to the surface and spilling over uncontrollably. She storms down the beach, obliterating her tiny, weary footprints from before as she tromps toward him now, sand flying everywhere.
“You bloody asshole!” Claire yells, her voice breaking as she approaches him, right beside him before he even has time to react. Sawyer throws his hands up quickly, trying to block her small fists as they ineffectually attempt to pummel him.
“Whoa, whoa, mamacita, what the hell you doin’?” Sawyer exclaims, sounding more amused than surprised, easily grabbing her wrists and stopping her. He smiles like he doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve this exactly, but assumes he’s probably done something. His lackadaisical attitude only infuriates Claire further.
Frowning petulantly like a small child, Claire kicks him right in the shins, as hard as she can. He curses and loses his grip on her hands, wincing. “What the fuck? Have you gone crazy or somethin’?” He steps away from her, bending down and rubbing his shin. He is no longer smiling; a scowl has replaced his grin and the laughter is gone from his eyes.
“How could you?” Claire demands.
“How could I what?” Sawyer snaps, annoyed. “God damn, girl, that really hurt. You’ve gone and made me fuckin’ limp now.”
“I saw you. I saw you with him.” Claire ignores his complaints, not caring.
“Could you be a little more vague? ‘Cause as much as I love guessin’ games and all, but I just ain’t in the mood to play right now, seein’ as how some crazy broad just went second grade playground on my leg.”
“Do you think this is funny?” Claire steps toward him and Sawyer steps back, throwing up his hands.
“Hold your horses there, Xena. Ain’t no reason to go all schizo again. Why don’t you just tell me what’s got you all in a tizzy?”
“A tizzy? Yeah, yeah, I’m in a tizzy all right,” Claire paces back and forth in front of him, her hands thrown up in frustration. “Seeing as how Sun’s been stuck babysitting Aaron for hours, while I’m out here going crazy with worry about…but I can’t go back at get him because if I see Kate, I’m not going to know what to say and if I don’t know what to say, I’m going to say the wrong thing and - God! I just hate you right now!” She whips around toward him again and slaps him on the chest with both hands, causing him to take a step backward but not bringing him anywhere near losing his balance.
“Lookit…” Sawyer steps back from her, putting space between them as cautiously as possible. “Hatin’ me ain’t ‘xactly a novel notion ‘round here, so I’m fine with that business. But the rest of it? I don’t follow ya. This crazy flustered chick schtick only works in the movies, sweetheart.”
Claire stares at him for a moment, grinding her teeth together and then biting her lip. She can’t believe that he doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Anyone with a guilty conscience would have to suspect, have to wonder. But Sawyer either really doesn’t know or is feigning ignorance, so she has no choice but to state the obvious.
“You. And Jack. I saw you and Jack…” Claire starts and finishes by just smashing her hands together a few times haphazardly. Sawyer raises his eyebrows at her, watching her with great interest. He knows what she’s trying to get at, is surprised that Claire had seen them, but knows enough to cover all that up. He coughs once and then raises both eyebrows at her.
“What. Playin’ pattycake?” He teases, letting out a throaty chuckle.
“Shagging!”
“Shagging.”
“Fucking! Whatever! The point is you were doing it and you…you…what about Kate? How could you do this to Kate?” Claire hits him in the shoulder again.
If she had brought this up with Jack, she probably would’ve managed to talk about this in a decent, mature manner. Perhaps sat down with him by the fire, told him flatly and plainly what she had witnessed and what she expected him to do about it. But Sawyer…
She manages to punch him one more time before he stops her, the smile fading from his face.
“I know what you think you saw, darlin’, but trust me. Things are a bit more complicated than ya think. Ain’t no use getting all worked up about it. Me and Jack fuckin’ each other ain’t nothin’ Kate’s never seen before.”
“Except those other times she was there. And correct me if I’m wrong, but it sure looked like you and Jack were definitely alone. No Kate.”
This time Sawyer can’t hide his surprise, on his face or in his voice.
“How do you know…Kate told you? About that night in the hatch?” Claire nods and Sawyer lets out a long whistle. “Woo-ee. Well. Talk about your overshare.” Sawyer glances at her sideways, skeptically. “She really told you about all that?”
“Yeah, she really told me.” Claire nods, her temper beginning to subside, just slightly. “I think…I think she needed someone to…you know…talk to.”
“Girls,” Sawyer mutters, shaking his head.
“She also told me that Jack had promised that was the end of it. That he and Kate were going back to being just that. Him and Kate.” She stares at Sawyer critically. He nudges the sand with his boot, looking downward, and then lifts his head. He tosses back his hair and meets her gaze, no shame in his eyes.
“Well some promises are made to be broken, sweetheart.”
“I thought you cared for Kate. I really thought…I mean, despite how you act…you really seemed to…”
“I do,” Sawyer shrugs. “And it weren’t ever my intention to steal Doc from her. Still ain’t.”
“Then what the bloody hell were you doing out there today with him?”
“We just got carried away, is all,” Sawyer shrugs again, even more off-handedly. Claire doesn’t believe his charade for a moment. She heard what Sawyer had said to Jack, seen how he had kissed him. He cares, and she knows it’s far more than he lets on. “You don’t need to get your panties in a twist ‘bout it. Ain’t ever gonna happen again.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Believe what you want. It don’t matter, really. ‘Cause Jack is Jack. You know it, I know it. Today was just a one-time thing. You know he’s gonna beat himself up for it worse than you ever could, than Kate ever could. Ain’t no way he’s comin’ near me again.” Sawyer delivers these words flatly and without emotion but he looks away as he says them, turning his gaze out toward the darkening sky. Claire feels her anger fade even further, being slowly replaced with something akin to pity. She knows what Sawyer is saying is true.
“Sawyer…”
“So you can be the good gal pal if ya want ta be, go runnin’ off to Kate and tell her that her boyfriend screwed another guy today, or you could just let it be, let it get back to normal.”
“I don’t understand.”
“What ain’t there to understand?”
“If you want Jack…I mean…if you feel something for him, why don’t you…I mean, he clearly feels something for you, so…I-“
“Honey, I’m many things, but I ain’t stupid. Me and Jack…well…that ain’t gonna happen. Not in a million years.” Sawyer smiles at her crookedly and she watches as that smile slides into a smirk. “’Sides, all I really wanted was to fuck him and I done gone did that already, so I’m all set. He and Kate can live happily ever after and I got plenty of new material to jerk off to.”
Claire’s eyes narrow, at once annoyed both by his attitude and by his denial, his attempt to be offensive transparent. She considers her next words but finds none to be adequate, so she simply turns and walks away, heading back toward camp.
Sawyer doesn’t say anything at first, but soon his voice follows her down the beach.
“You gonna tell her then?”
Claire stops, turning slowly back to look at him, not knowing how to answer that because she hasn’t decided.
“I don’t know. Do you want me to?” Claire inquires, wondering if maybe he does. She tells Kate and Jack and Kate will be over. Jack will be his by default, no effort required. He surprises her by slowly shaking his head no. “Why not?”
“Because…” Sawyer looks at her and then looks away. “Ya may not believe it, considerin’…but I really don’t wanna hurt her.” He grunts lightly and sticks his hands in his front pockets. He looks resigned. “Doc belongs with her anyway.”
Claire draws in a deep breath, watching Sawyer carefully, wondering if she’s making the right choice.
“Okay.”
“Okay…what?”
“Okay I won’t tell her then.” Sawyer doesn’t show any sign of relief or gratitude. He just nods slightly, showing he understands. “But if I ever see you and Jack so much as look at one another-“
“Yeah. Got it.”
“All right.” Claire turns to go but stops once more. “I’m…I’m sorry I kicked you.” She says quietly. Sawyer laughs.
“It’s all right, Mamacita. Didn’t really hurt that bad.”
“Still…I’m sorry.” She gives him a small smile and he musters one up in return.
“’Pology accepted.”
“I’ll…see you later then.”
“See ya.” He refocuses his gaze out on the water and Claire walks away, glancing back at him once. He’s still staring out into nothing, his hands shoved in his pockets and the breeze blowing his hair behind him. Waves roll up onto shore and lap over the toes of his boots, but he doesn’t move. He just stands there and lets himself get wet.
She’s never seen anyone look more solitary or more sad.
*******
Kate watches Jack for a moment before he is aware that she is there, taking advantage of the time to truly take him in. He looks tired, his shoulders slumped and his arms draped over his legs as he stares pensively into the fire. The flames cast his face in a warm orange glow and she can see the worry in his eyes, the deep set of his frown.
She approaches him slowly, wondering what has him concerned this time and knowing that it could be anything, anyone. He feels everything so much, takes responsibility for it all; she wants to kiss his frown away and make him forget everyone but her. Maybe then he could learn to smile more often.
“Hey,” Kate sits down next to him, smiling when he jumps slightly, startled. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”
“You’re getting as bad as Sayid,” Jack says, looking at her. “I can never hear you coming.”
“Too sneaky for my own good,” she murmurs and Jack nods, smiling gently. Kate snakes her arm through the crook of Jack’s elbow and rests her head on his shoulder, her hand falling on his thigh. She moves her fingers lightly, running over the inside seam of his jeans absentmindedly. He tightens a little underneath her touch so she lifts her head, looking at him worriedly. “What’s the matter?”
“Nothing,” Jack says after a moment, furrowing his brow. “Why…why would you think something’s the matter?”
“You just seem…a little…tense.” She says quietly, putting her chin on his shoulder and gazing at him.
“I’m just tired,” Jack replies, his voice wavering. Kate can sense it runs deeper than that, knowing him well enough by now to know when something is really bothering him. She reaches down and rubs his leg, laying a light kiss on his cheek and then nestling closer. In moments when they are alone, she lets herself melt into him, allows him to see the softness she keeps hidden from everyone else. The side that treasures the intimacy of a light touch and a deep conversation rather than the passion of a hard kiss and a fast fuck.
“That’s not it,” she responds, prodding him on. He doesn’t say anything; he just frowns. “Come on. You can tell me anything, Jack. You know that, right?”
Jack shifts, pulling away from her touch, which alarms her.
“Jack?”
“Today when I went into the jungle…” Jack starts, then stops. He wants to tell her, knows he should tell her, but the words aren’t there. He doesn’t want to lose her, doesn’t want to hurt her, but he can’t lie. But he has to take responsibility for what he did, he owes that to her.
So he takes a deep breath and gets ready to break the promise he’d forced Sawyer to make. He’ll tell her. “When I went into the jungle today, Sawyer followed me.”
Kate draws away now as well, both of them moving in opposite directions from one another.
“He followed you? Why?”
“He…he’s upset about what happened.” Jack screws up his face in frustration, like those weren’t the right words. “About how we’ve been treating him. He was…pretty angry.”
“You fought?”
“Yeah, we did.”
“Jack…look. I’m sorry. This is my fault. I’ll talk to him,” Kate assures him quickly, guiltily, reaching out again to touch him, comfort him.
“Kate, please.” Jack holds up his hand, not wanting her to take any of this on herself, not with this truth being what it is. Not when he still has so much damage left to cause. “It’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is,” She insists adamantly. “I made a mess of everything and for Sawyer to be yelling at you…” She tucks her hair behind her ear, shaking her head. “He should be yelling at me, if he needs to yell.” Kate says this like she’s pointing out something painfully obvious and then her tone takes on a hint of annoyance. “Besides, I mean…he’s been avoiding us just as much as we’ve been avoiding him!”
“I know he has.”
“Then why…?”
“I think he was trying to act like it didn’t matter. But it does.” Jack says quietly, his eyes locked on his own hands as he moves them nervously. A spark from the fire jumps out and lands on the hem of Kate’s jeans. He’s brushed it away before Kate can even move, the protective action almost second nature. Kate smiles lightly but he goes back to staring at his hands, worry creasing his handsome face. She reaches out and caresses the side of his cheek, trying not to be put off when he pulls back a little. She just urges closer, thinking she might have to force him to let her in this time, like he had so many times before with her.
“Jack, I know you don’t like hurting anyone. But it’s Sawyer. He’ll get over it. I know he will. Things will get back to normal.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Yes, it is. We just need time.”
“That’s not it, Kate.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s just that Sawyer and I-“ Jack doesn’t get to finish his sentence.
“Jack?” Hurley interrupts, walking up the path toward where Jack and Kate are sitting, his hands over his eyes. Jack and Kate turn to look at him, both of their faces screwing up in puzzlement.
“Hurley?” Jack asks, confused. “Um…what are you doing?”
“Are you two cool? I’m not like…walkin’ in on like, coupley stuff or nothin’?” Kate giggles and Jack sighs, exasperated.
“It’s cool, Hurley. We’re just talking.” Kate assures him, shooting a sideways glance at Jack. Hurley pulls his hands away from his face, a goofy grin on his face.
“Oh. Okay. I mean, uh, I just didn’t want to like…ya know. Well, anyway…” Hurley trails off for a moment like he’s trying to remember why he came here in the first place. “Yeah. Well, I just came to see if you had like, any aspirin left anywhere? Libby’s got a headache, and I told her I would try to find some for her.”
“Aspirin? Yeah…I think I got some left down in the hatch.” Jack runs through his inventory in his head, trying to remember what he has left and what has run out. He’s about to tell Hurley where he can find it when Hurley presses on.
“And…I think maybe you should check her out, man. She didn’t want me to say anything, but she’s had a headache for like, three days now.”
“All right,” Jack nods. “I’ll be right there, just give me a second.” He turns to Kate, gesturing over his shoulder toward the path. “I have to…”
“I know. Go do what you have to.” Kate nods, smiling at him reassuringly, reaching out and running her hand down the side of his arm and then twining her fingers with his. Jack stares at his hand in hers, and then looks up at her.
“Can we talk later? When I come back?”
“Of course.” Kate kisses him on the cheek before he gets up and heads down the path after Hurley. She watches him until he and Hurley disappear from sight, and then turns back to the fire, letting her mind wander as she waits for Jack return, enjoying the peace and quiet.
During the past week she had decided to be open about their relationship with everyone, knowing how useless it was to try and keep hiding it. Especially when everyone really already knew anyway. She had to admit it felt wonderful. Instead of feeling trapped, like she thought she’d be, she feels free.
She and Jack had taken to sleeping together every night in her tent, which she had moved a little ways from main camp. Close enough for safety, but far enough to afford some privacy. It had been so long since she had shared a bed with anyone; while she and Jack had been sleeping together for weeks, they had never actually slept together. It had always been quick and hurried trips into the jungle, sneaking away and sneaking back before anyone could notice their absence. But now he can come to her at night and stay, wrap his arms around her and fall asleep. She didn’t think she was going to like it, but she does. He makes her feel safe.
What had happened the week before with Sawyer had a lot of fallout; she isn’t naïve enough to believe that her issues with Sawyer were gone. But secretly she’s kind of glad that it happened, because it finally gave her that extra shove she needed to really be with Jack, without caring what anyone else thought or how anyone else felt besides the two of them, or even what might happen if they got rescued. The courage to pursue what her heart wanted was never something she possessed; seeing Jack almost slip through her grasp like that, so easily, shocked her into action.
So she sits by their fire and waits patiently for him to return, not realizing until 45 minutes later that perhaps he’s not coming back anytime soon.
*******
“Sawyer had the same problem, oddly enough,” Jack assures Libby, patting her on the shoulder. She gets up from the bottom bunk bed with a grateful smile. “The bright sunlight combined with the continuous strain on your eyesight can result in headaches. The added stress and tension of the situation doesn’t help. It’s really nothing to be worried about. Lay off the reading for a few days, see if that helps. If it doesn’t, then we’ll see what else we can do. If it does help, well, we’ll set Sayid to work on another pair of glasses.”
“Thanks, Jack. I told Hurley they were probably just tension headaches but he wouldn’t listen…” Libby looks up at Hurley with a kind smile, patting him on the arm.
“Hey, just looking out for you. Everyone tries to act all tough ‘round here, no one wants to admit they’re feelin’ crappy,” Hurley states. Jack knows this is very much untrue, since he spends most of his days fielding complaints, but he doesn’t say anything. What someone tells their doctor and what someone tells everyone else are probably vastly different things anyway. No one wants to be thought of as the island hypochondriac.
“I appreciate that, Hurley,” Libby replies, brushing past him and heading for the hatch exit. “You heading back to camp?”
“Uh, sure,” Hurley falls in step beside her with a thrilled grin. Jack watches them go, smiling despite himself, thankful that Hurley, at least, is happy. He puts away the bottle of aspirin, pausing for a moment to rearrange the bottles of medicine needlessly. His smile slowly slides off of his face as he closes the cupboard with a heavy sigh. Turning to leave the bedroom, he collides directly with Sawyer, who was walking in. Jack steps back quickly, unbalanced on his feet.
Sawyer reaches out a hand, fingers wrapping around Jack’s wrist and pulling him back upright as his other hand goes to Jack’s waist, helping to hold him steady.
“Hey, careful,” He admonishes, though his tone maintains a playful lilt. Jack makes a movement to tug his arm from Sawyer’s grasp so Sawyer lets him go, sensing Jack’s anxiety. “What you doin’ down here so late?”
“Libby wasn’t feeling well. What are you doing down here?”
“Got button duty.”
“You. Are on button duty.” Jack repeats, the tension easing between them just slightly. Sawyer relaxes against the doorframe, trying to act offended that Jack is so disbelieving.
“What. I ain’t allowed to help out?”
“No. Of course you are. It’s just you usually don’t.” Jack makes a move to walk past him but Sawyer follows him, walking by his side.
“Yeah…well…” Sawyer gives him a little shrug. “I haven’t been sleepin’ well out on the beach and Locke’s been on my ass all week to take a shift, so I figured…what the hell.”
“You’re not sleeping?” Jack asks, stepping toward instead of away from him now. Doctorly concern, he can handle. He’s familiar with playing that role.
“I’ve had other things on my mind…keeping me…up…” Sawyer replies suggestively. He moves forward but Jack steps back again, withdrawing from him.
“Sawyer…”
Sawyer backs off, knowing he’s pushing his luck. He knew it’d be like this, exactly how he had told Claire. He hadn’t had the successful career conning women without piling up the experience of being ‘the other man’. He was always ‘the other man’. The players might be different, but the roles are the same. Ending of the story doesn’t change.
“Fine, okay.” Sawyer mumbles, putting up his hand to stop Jack’s inevitable excuses and apologies. “Let’s just skip the part where you tell me how sorry you are and all that shit and work out the fine print.”
“Excuse me?”
“You should know that Claire saw us.”
“What?”
“She saw us. Today in the jungle. Took quite the beating from her actually; she’s tiny but she kicks like fuckin’ Pele, hand to god,” Sawyer chuckles. Jack is not amused. “She ain’t gonna say nothin’…don’t worry.” Sawyer assures Jack, seeing the panicked look in his brown eyes. “I told her it was just a one-time thing, ain’t no big deal.”
“Oh. You did?” Jack can’t hide his surprise, his disappointment. Granted, he had planned on telling Sawyer that what had happened could never happen again, but Sawyer beating him to it made him feel sad for some reason. Part of him had wanted Sawyer to be upset, to insist that Jack was just being a coward and that he should choose Sawyer above Kate, not the other way around. But he should’ve known better than to think it had meant anything to Sawyer, despite what he had said. Of course it didn’t. “Well…good then, I guess.”
“Yep,” Sawyer replies curtly, the word curling off the end of his tongue and stinging his lips. “So that’s it then.”
“You don’t want to…” Jack starts, then stops. For a second Sawyer wonders if Jack is going to ask him to continue their affair, but then sees the look in his eyes and doesn’t recognize want or desire, but concern.
“No, I don’t want to fuckin’ talk about it, Dr. Phil.. We wanted each other, we screwed each other, that’s that. Story’s done and over with.”
Jack sighs, putting one hand on his hip and running the other over the back of his head as he looks at the ground. Sawyer watches him quietly for a moment, not sure what Jack is thinking on. When Jack doesn’t speak, Sawyer turns to leave, not wanting to hang around simply staring. But Jack chooses that moment to finally find the words he was looking for and Sawyer stops.
“I’m going to tell Kate.” Jack states resolutely, looking Sawyer in the eye for the first time since he’d entered the bedroom. Sawyer simply shakes his head no. “I have to.”
”Why? What good is that gonna do? She’ll just hate your guts.”
“I know.”
“So we fucked. Big deal. Ain’t gonna happen again. Just let this one go.”
“I can’t.”
“Look, only reason you’d tell her is to ease your conscience. Ain’t gonna do nothin’ but mess it all up. Just keep your trap shut and she never has to know a damn thing.”
“That’s not…I can’t…that’s not how I operate, Sawyer. I can’t lie to her.”
“Well then, next time she happens to randomly ask you if you and I have fucked, just the two of us, out in the jungle, then you can tell her the truth. Until that time, however…” Sawyer smirks. “You might want to follow my advice and keep a lid on it.”
Jack frowns deeply and looks away from Sawyer, wondering why he had risked his relationship with Kate for this man, this man who thinks so very little of everything, of everyone.
“I must be going crazy,” Jack mutters to himself, rubbing the back of his head with the palm of his hand, his fingers running over his short hair. Sawyer looks at him inquisitively but doesn’t ask him to explain himself any further. “I have to get out of here.” Jack makes a move to shove past Sawyer but Sawyer stops him, putting a hand flat on his chest and holding him back. “What.” Jack snaps, his patience running out. He just wants to go somewhere, be by himself, try to get his head on straight. He can’t deal with Sawyer anymore.
Especially when he doesn’t speak. He looks at Jack, his stare intense but unreadable. He doesn’t move his hand from Jack’s chest; he just holds it there, Jack’s heartbeat increasing underneath his palm. Slowly his fingers curl around the material of Jack’s thin t-shirt and he pulls Jack toward him, pressing his lips to his, his tongue working Jack’s mouth open and sliding inside.
Jack instinctively meets Sawyer’s kiss, his body familiar with the feel of Sawyer’s mouth already and registering it, computing it as a good thing, something desired, before his mind can oppose the idea. But finally his mental processes catch up with his physical need and he shoves Sawyer away, instantly feeling the absence of his lips, his body, against his own. Sawyer’s back collides with the open door of the bedroom and he lets out a grunt.
“What the hell was that?” Jack demands, wishing he didn’t sound so breathless and aroused, wishing he didn’t want to touch Sawyer so badly. Sawyer regains his footing, only closing the space between them once again.
“That…” Sawyer murmurs, reaching out and smoothing Jack’s rumpled t-shirt across his broad chest. “That…was a thank you for a good time, Doc. It’s been fun.”
“Fun?” Jack’s voice cracks, his eyes narrowing. “Fuck you, Sawyer.”
“You already did. That was the fun part,” Sawyer retorts with a wicked grin. He doesn’t like the look of reproach that appears on Jack’s face; it’s the look that always made his insides twist with hatred and annoyance, usually directed at himself. It is a look of judgment and Sawyer can see the verdict right in Jack’s brown eyes, every time. And he’s always right. Always right.
Jack sees right through everything he does, knows he can be better. That’s what makes it truly horrible. He could handle it if Jack looked at him with disgust, with anger, but the bitter disappointment is too much to take. He’s used to pissing people off, to having them be angry with him. He’s not used to having someone expect anything of him.
Yet somehow Jack had begun to think better of him and he doesn’t know how or why.
Sawyer stands there, waiting for Jack to say something, bracing himself for the onslaught of words. He’d rather have the verbal abuse than that look in Jack’s eyes. Words he can ignore. Jack’s gaze burns into him like a scalding hot brand, marking him, leaving evidence that he had let someone get close enough to leave behind their imprint on his mind and his heart.
But Jack doesn’t speak. He stares, attempting to hold back whatever it is he really wants to say. Sawyer knows because Jack’s done it so many times. Jack always stared at him that way, wanting to yell at him, punch him, but then he would take a deep breath, re-focus his gaze, and walk away.
Because he wasn’t worth the trouble.
It doesn’t matter that Jack is stopped from walking away this time by the entrance of another person, another patient, into the hatch. His feet had been ready to move, his back ready to turn.
They both look at Steve as he walks into the bedroom, cradling his arm at the elbow, a long line of blood dripping from his wrist.
“Doc, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was fixing my tent and-“ He stops, looking from Sawyer to Jack. “I’m sorry…am I interrupting something?” Steve asks, feeling the palpable tension hanging in the air between the two men. Jack hesitates a moment and Sawyer thinks maybe he didn’t even realize Steve had spoken to him, but then Jack shakes his head sharply to jog himself back to reality.
“No, nothing. What happened? Here, come sit,” Jack points to the bed and then re-opens the cupboard, pulling out gauze and peroxide and some other items. He sets the bottle and roll of tape on the ground by his feet as he kneels down before Steve, gently reaching out to examine the wound.
Sawyer wonders at Jack’s ability to switch back into caretaker mode at the drop of a hat. He personally felt like telling Steve to grow a pair, clean it out himself, and suck it up. It didn’t look that bad. But Jack treats everything seriously, his fingers moving tentatively, using a cotton swab to wipe away the blood so he can get a better look. It makes him feel a little guilty.
“Anythin’ I can do?” He offers, trying to sound as sincere as he can.
“Yeah. Go away,” Jack instructs him coldly.
“Gee, thanks,” Sawyer says sarcastically.
“You’re welcome.” Jack replies, his tone just as acerbic. “What did you get cut on? Was it metal?” Jack turns his attention back to Steve, who tosses a curious look between the two men before answering Jack’s question.
“It was one of Locke’s knives. Is metal bad? I was trying to cut some rope and-“
“Locke’s knife is good - well not good - but at least we don’t have to worry about tetanus. If it was a piece of the plane or something rusted, well…” Jack sets to work on cleaning out the wound and patching it up. Sawyer lingers. Watching Jack work makes him feel inadequate and useless, but at the same time that it makes him resentful, it also makes him want Jack even more. He doesn’t know if Jack even realizes he’s still there, until the alarm starts sounding. “Sawyer?”
“What, you change your mind about needin’ my help?”
“No. The button?” Jack says, looking over his shoulder at him. Sawyer sighs, his shoulders slumping, but managing to roll his eyes.
“Right. The button. Got it.” He flips Jack the bird as he walks out, annoyed. Steve snorts, rolling his eyes as well.
“What was he being an ass about now?” He asks, and Jack shrugs.
“Same old,” Jack mutters, not wanting to get into it. He is too angry to defend Sawyer, but doesn’t really want to bash him either. He only wants to not talk about him. He diverts Steve’s attention elsewhere, making more inquiries about the cut while he finishes cleaning him up.
“There you go, all set,” he states a few minutes later, ripping off the last piece of tape. “Try to keep it dry for the first day, then clean it out with water - that you’ve boiled first. You need to make sure it is sterilized.”
“Sure thing. Thanks, Jack,” Steve climbs up from the bottom bunk and slaps Jack on the shoulder as he passes by, heading toward the exit. Jack cleans up the mess he’s made, throwing some things into the trash and gathering the rest in his arms, taking it back across the room to the cupboard.
“Hey, you…” Kate’s soft voice still startles him. He snaps his head toward her, alarmed, and then relaxes. He smiles gently.
”Hey. What are you doing down here?”
“I was waiting for you to come back and when you didn’t…” Jack nods, understanding.
“Libby wasn’t the only one needing some attention,” he explains. “As usual.”
“Kinda makes you wish someone else on the island had a medical degree, doesn’t it?” Kate laughs lightly, walking across the room toward him. She helps him put the last of the bottles away and closes the door, stepping between him and the wall. “Sometimes I think I’m gonna have to hurt myself just to get you alone.”
“Well that might be a little drastic,” Jack chuckles and Kate shrugs.
“Hey, drastic times call for drastic measures. Maybe we could just pretend that I’m having chronic stomach problems or something…or maybe a bad case of the flu? You could recommend bed rest and lots of it,” she teases, sliding her hands over his stomach, around his waist and then back toward his front. She picks up the hem of his t-shirt and lifts it a little, trailing her finger down the trail of hair leading into his jeans.
“Kate…”
“I ever tell you how much I love this spot…?” Kate moves her finger again, smiling, before dropping down to her knees. She leans forward, laying a light kiss underneath his navel. “Whenever I see it I just want to kiss it.” Kate nudges his t-shirt higher, exposing more of his skin to her eager lips. Jack looks down at her, squirming a little underneath her mouth, his stomach muscles tensing.
“Kate…not here,” he whispers and he can feel her laugh lightly against his skin, mouth curling into a smile.
“Why not? I like it here…there’s a mattress…and a door…it all kind of helps.”
“Kate, Sawyer’s got the shift tonight. I don’t really think we should-“
“I don’t care about that anymore,” Kate cuts him off quickly, standing up. Her words are clipped and short, her voice suddenly tight. She smiles nervously, realizing she nearly snapped at him, and tries to dial it back. “I…I just…I want it to just be us…two people in a room. Only each other. I don’t want to think about him. The damage is already done. We have to move on.”
“By doing it when he’s in the other room?” Jack asks.
“As opposed to doing it in my tent when his tent is practically right on top of mine?” Kate counters. “There’s no privacy in this place, Jack. We just have to get used to it. And so does he.”
“Kate, look. It’s not…”
“Jack, I know you don’t want to be mean. But I don’t want to play games anymore. That’s what got us into this mess in the first place. I’m done with that.” Kate moves close, her hand trailing down the length of his arm and then back up, her fingertips grazing over the outline of the number five in his tattoo. “When I chose to be with you, Jack, I never really let myself actually be with you. I was always half somewhere else. With Sawyer, or just hiding, too afraid to really do this.”
Jack gazes down at her, knowing what she is saying is hard for her to say. It’s heartfelt and honest and he’s never felt worse in his entire life. She’s putting her trust in him not to hurt her, not knowing that he already has.
“But I want to do this, Jack. So say that we’ll do this, really be together.”
Jack considers her words, knowing the time to tell her, if he’s going to tell her, is now. He should reveal the truth, that as she was deciding to give her whole heart to him, his own heart, previously solely and completely hers, was dividing in two.
He knows he has a simple choice. He can be honest and break her heart, break half of his own, and then wait for Sawyer to finish the job. Or he can go against every moral fiber in his body and follow Sawyer’s advice to just let this one go. Mark today as a fresh beginning and force his heart back into one piece, then give it to Kate wholly and completely.
Jack moves his fingers delicately over her shoulder, playing lightly with the thin strap of her tank top, and feels it, feels that he could be happy with only her, the way he had been before the other night had happened. Sawyer was excitement and passion but, then again, so is she. And only Kate has more than that to offer. Sawyer made it perfectly clear that he offers him nothing.
He nods, just once, and cups her face softly with his rough hands, tilts her head toward his and kisses her like he means it. In one motion he is reassuring her of what he is also reassuring himself.
This is what’s real, and this is what’s right.
Pulling away, he reaches down and takes her hand, leading her to the bottom bunk, pressing her down and climbing on top of her body. They melt together into the soft mattress, moving slowly and languidly.
Kate sighs lightly as Jack’s lips slide down her neck, the weight and heat of his tight muscular body feeling amazing atop hers, holding her down but not controlling her. She lets her hands roam underneath the back of his t-shirt, her palms flat and fingers tingling at the sensation of his warm skin under her touch.
He is hard against her and she is already aching for him, her body craving him like a drug.
“Jack…” she whispers, running her hands over his face, capturing his attention. “The door.” Jack glances toward the open door of the bedroom and then nods, understanding.
He climbs from the bed and Kate sits up, working to rid herself of her clothing.
Jack walks to the door and is about to push it closed when Sawyer walks from the computer room, his gaze finding Jack immediately, like he knew where he’d be.
Jack hesitates a moment, not able to look away from Sawyer’s penetrating stare. Sawyer doesn’t move either, doesn’t say a word.
Jack turns away, and shuts the door.
*******
------->THIS PART CONTINUED...