musings on 2010
Okay so the typical looking back on the last year journal entry...because for me it has been a year of changes and everyone who knows me knows that I detest change.
I was telling Niki the other day that not one relationship in my life has stayed the same in the past year. Our definitely has changed and then changed and now is changing again...to say the least. NO idea what's going on there, or even what I really want to go on. It's too soon after Jeremy. I know that last time wasn't a direct result of our break up, but I think us together this time is and I don't want it to be. Either way, just trying not to look directly at it. Don't want our friendship to suffer, now that we're finally friends again.
I think the relationship that has changed the least has been with La Lisa, though even that has changed as well. We don't live together any more, so I think we get along better. We've been hanging out more, which has been a lot of fun.
Rachael and Dan...well...that's different too. Raychew especially was so there for me for such a long time. I will always regret not making more of an effort to make up with her while we were fighting so I could be there for her during the wedding, but que sera sera. I'm glad that we're friends again now, but it is a careful friendship. There are shadows lurking in the background that we both acknowledge but do not pester. It is a necessary burden I think that we both carry, else we would cease to be friends at all.
My parents have been wild, really. A lot closer with Dad because I live with him now. And I thought I knew more than enough about his life but nope. Now I know a lot more in detail, though in reality it makes me feel bad for him. A cautionary tale, to be sure. I do not want to be 53 years old with no job, not a whole lot of education, stuck in a dying house, and no love. I think it's the love part that makes me so sad for him. As much as he hates my mother, he is still in love with her too. In that my father and I are the same. He loved her, he chose her, he married her. That's it. The End. If (and that's a big if) I ever did get married it would be forever. I have always said that I don't want to get married because I don't want to get divorced, and that is the truth. There are other issues there, of course, but that is the root of it. My fear of ending up like my daddy.
As for my mother...well she is happier with me than she's been in a long time. Oh, she was fucking furious at me for months after Niki and I broke up. Mostly because I moved in with dad and not her, but she got over it. Now we're all hunky dory. A lot of it had to do with me dating Jeremy again. It could have been anyone male, but I believe that is why she is so pleased with me. It may sound awful and yes, it does hurt that her love/pride in me is so fleeting, so based on my sexuality. I think that she thinks that I'm straight because I dated a guy again. Now I may not pursue a lasting relationship with another woman because it is so damn difficult but I will always be attracted to them. I love women. I like the way they taste, the way they feel. The soft, wet heat of them. Multiple orgasms. Better communication and not just sexually either.
Jeremy and I are not just on a break, but officially broken. Yes, it hurts. Not nearly as bad as last time, no. It hurts because I fell for him and he couldn't fall for me. It hurts because eventually I was ignored again. So it made me very insecure. What am I, some toy to be played with until worn out? Good enough for a late night fuck but not enough to date? Now I like sex, I like it a lot. Some would say addicted, but even I can say that it isn't enough to sustain a relationship. Not the one I wanted with him. I gave him chances, a lot of them...and yes, I did tell him that I loved him. And he barely responded, not even a "I'm not ready, don't tell me that now" or "I'm sorry but I can't love you back". He said "I'm fine." That's it....so yes, I had to officially end it. A large part of me wonders if that's it for me...I've had two really really good loves in my life. Both different, but equally amazing. Part of me wonders if I should go back with Niki and just trust that the love I had for her will hold true. That will have to wait and see because the loss of Jeremy is too fresh to my heart and I do not want to mix Niki up in that. It is too soon, I can't help but to compare them. Niki I can communicate better with and she doesn't ignore me. The sex is amazing when it works. When Jeremy touches me, even casually, it kills me a little bit inside. I can't be mad at him because when I was with him I just felt happy, complete. But when I wasn't it was horrible and it was that ultimately that ended us. That and the inescapable fact that he did not feel the same about me.
I've really learned a lot about myself this year. I can only hope that next year I'll have much happier tidings to bring. More changes, because right now I think I would be happier with some.
Oh, and I've really been looking in to getting a corgi again lately. An agility corgi...so much awesome right there.