I'm just not used to this anymore...
Okay so this entry is mostly about me and my insecurities with my relationship with Jeremy...so feel free to skip it...oh and there will probably some things that are tmi...
I knew last week when it finally got through my thick skull that he was going away for nine days that I would freak out a little bit...and here it is. Also him leaving coincides with us being together for about two months. And with most of my relationships, around three months is the time when I start to freak out about where we're going, how we feel about each other and so on...since it's Jeremy and things go faster with him I think I'm freaking out over both right now...and it feels like I'm playing a game of emotional ping pong with myself.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I just don't know how to date anymore....not that I really did before? I mean...Jeremy was the last guy I dated and that was five years ago! I was still in high school. Then I was with Niki and she's a girl so that's different. You can be more emotionally open with a girl than with a guy. And for the last almost two years of our relationship (when I got out of high school) we were living together. This changes the dynamics of a relationship completely. I didn't have to miss her because when she wasn't at home with me she was at work...I saw her every day. I think we only spent one or two nights apart in almost two years...so missing someone I'm not used to. It hurts...it hurts a lot. And I'm not sure how to deal with it at all. I mean...when you're dating someone in high school you still see them five days a week...
I'm not usually this insecure. Am I? (that is a serious question) I'm not sure exactly how he feels about me. I know that he likes me. I know he's attracted to me. I know that he doesn't want to hurt me. But I don't know if he really wants to be with me. I don't know if he misses me right now. I don't know if he thinks about me before he goes to sleep. I don't know if he loves me, or even if he could again.
All I know is how I feel about him...and i'm not even sure why. but when I see him for the first time my stomach drops like I'm on a roller coaster. Going over to his house I get butterflies. When he touches me I melt...talking to him even about nothing is still stimulating. Cuddling is warm and we just fit together. I know that I'm falling for him again...and when we're together I'm okay with it. But when I'm not with him? I doubt. I doubt everything in the paragraph above.
I'm trying to be honest with him. But I don't know what kind of relationship I want because I want the best of both world. I want to have fun and hang out, have some really great sex. I don't want to get married right now, if ever. But I also want to have someone that I can come home to. I don't want something committed right now, but something that can turn into it in the foreseeable future. I don't know if Jeremy and I can do that. He's so up in the air in his own life right now, which is fine and I want him to be happy. I want him to succeed. Buy I'm also starting to want to be part of that happiness, that success.
for the most part I'm okay with liking him more than he likes me. But I'm not okay with loving him if he can't love me.
I know I need to talk to him...but I have to wait until he gets back...and I'm afraid that when he does he'll end it. Really irrationally afraid almost since I woke up this morning...I don't know what it is but there's a weight in my stomach. I miss him a lot...but we haven't talked that much since he left. A few text messages and IMs here and there...I know he's busy and I'm working my new job...but he doesn't reply to some of my texts...like the one I sent yesterday saying that I missed him...no response. It hurts. and it scares me. But I know that I've been through this before and I know I can do it again...but I really don't want to.
Grr...a lot of people have mentioned that he could be just in it for the sex, which could be true. but if it were I think i'd be getting laid a lot more!! I would really, really be okay with that. I think that a lot of our lack of sex has to do with our lack of time for sex (and now place). We don't need to have sex every time we hang out...but I'd like to at least once every three days. I don't think that's too much to ask. (of course I'd like everyday but I'm finally beginning to realize that nobody wants to have sex that much. I don't know why not! It doesn't make any sense!)
I thought writing all this out would make me feel better but it's not.
I just wish I knew what to do with all of these feelings and doubts...and I know I'll have to sit on them for the next couple of days...wait to see if Jeremy wants to break up with me...then wait a bit for him to get settled in...and then have this talk about how I feel and where this is going.
Sigh. Relationships are hard....I just hope it's all worth it in the end.