and spend a lifetime finding out just what that is...
At the end of May last year I wrote an entry on here about a song Barenaked Ladies dedicated to Elliott in NYC after he died. In an ill thought reaction to people not killing me for it, I made another suggesting other songs people might like from the band as well. As you might have guessed, it was not as well received(although I think this more of presumed distaste for the band and it's mainstream stay and campy singles). A few kind people were nice about the distaste, one in particular was more a downright ass. A few were open to the idea that maybe that don't suck, that much.
One in particular ended up giving me their AIM. Her name is Melissa goldrimisnanswr (she made the Elliott shirts). We just seemed to get things about each other. Ended up fast friends and the idea of more was almost instant. Something just felt right in the conversations, online as well as over the phone. Who knew 2,000 miles could seem so close together over the phone.
We spoke for about a month, things moving at blinding speed, I had never seen her in person, but I loved her. Some things just happen like that. Yet some times shit just snags and so did we. She still working out the recent end to a two year relationship, me dealing with my own issues of depression, anxiety and an unforeseen event that shook my already thin foundation. We parted, and not on the best terms, more frustration than anger. We both had our parts to play, and timing just helped move them along.
As time went by, I kept up on events in her life through her LJ. I guess I just wanted to know she was doing alright. Leaving comments here and there, attempting(failing?) little jokes, letting her know, we were good friends and that that could be okay. I missed laughing with her, I missed my friend.
It's funny looking back because neither of us were wrong, time was, we were early...
Around November we were talking a little and she had called me on my actual birthday(15th of), which was hard to know how to take, but greatly appreciated. It was kind of the start of us taking our walls back down. Although, sidenote: her birthday is the 20th of November, and I totally didn't call. I was scared, I am also a bastard, so, there's that... back to the story.
Some time passed and conversation grew. We started being friends again(aw...?), though I have to say, she was a bit of an ass, partially I think to keep some of the wall up and more, cause, well, she can be, and it's funny, it really wasn't mean spirited, she's just good at being a jerk. It was getting hard though, because as much as I wanted my friend back, I still loved her, and it left a dull ache in my smiles.
Around this time, sadly(obviously) her nephew passed away after a long fight with cancer, that kid was strong... I would have given anything to have known him. I felt helpless to console her, so I did what I do with most people I see in pain, I just talk with them. I tried to keep things as light as I could without ignoring the obvious circumstances at hand. She didn't want to be consoled, she didn't want sorries, so I did what I could to give her everything else. She and her sister are so amazingly strong(see a pattern in that family?). Whether she'll accept that statement or not, I know she is.
Through first time blunders and second time friendship, then through tragedy, we found ourselves getting closer to what at the time, I really wasn't sure.
We seemed to edge towards our feelings like you warm up to a chilled pool. Filled with maybes, could be's and perhaps. Finally just falling back in with barely a whimpered glance at the past. Back to that love thing.
But what can truly be said without touch, without actual full interaction, this needed to be addressed before things could become real. What do you really know about someone who can hide behind a keyboard and phone. We were honest, but we needed to know just how honest that really is.
We set a date. The date got bumped up. Patience was not sitting with me any more. May 7th I flew to San Diego from Minneapolis, 2000 miles to find out if this was really worth what we'd been pining over.
It was.
5 months and 3 one week trips. San Diego, Osceola(my town), San Diego.
Each trip better and better.
Deeper and deeper.
We weren't escaping this, this was the stuff I've romanticized over since I could carry a crush in my heart.
On the last visit to San Diego, we went to the wall in LA. This was where it started, Elliott Smith. His music, his forum, brought us together, this was where I needed to make it right, full circle. We had a picnic right there on the sidewalk in front of the wall. Salad, sandwiches and crangrape juice in plastic win glasses. All those words in the winding stripes, signatures witnessing me get on my knee. My words pulled from the edge of my brain, stumbling out, expressing love I never knew I could experience. And finally, will you marry me, giving her the remake of her mother's lost engagement ring. Nodding, disbelief and then yes echoed on the strip, followed with a tight embrace. Say Yes sappily sung gently as we swayed in the sweltering heat, sweaty and in love.
Sidenote: first person to find out we were engaged? Simon "Shaun of the Dead" Pegg at the Spaced signing, mere half an hour after it occurred. Followed by Kevin freaking Smith, excuse my fanboyism...
After all was said and done and much enjoyment at Comic-Con. She flew back with me to Wisconsin to stay for the month... I miss coming home to her every day. She is my bliss, she is my home, my lover, my friend, my equal.
Now in just under a month(this thing has more conclusions than Return of the King, I know...), I'll be driving to San Diego, to stay. I'm coming home.
Thanks to Elliott(and Barenaked Ladies kind of...who knew?)
Sigh. I hate mentioning this last part, and after Thursday, I will edit and delete this part, I promise, but, I entered a radio contest for the chance to win $10,000. This money would greatly help me in the move to San Diego. I need votes though. If anyone would be willing to vote for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. I feel like I'm tainting this entry with this statement, believe me, it'll be out after Thursday, but til then, I could really use this... Ugh, I almost screeched in the beginning, so much adrenaline and nervousness, including being up from 8pm to 10am(when I sang) and I called Melissa babe in it...I hate that word...sigh... Just click my name (Joshua Terwillger, right hand side, Ballroom Blitz) and put your email(no subscription catch or anything) and just verify when you get the email notice. Thanks? kool108.com/pages/promotions/KaraokeChampionships.html
One in particular ended up giving me their AIM. Her name is Melissa goldrimisnanswr (she made the Elliott shirts). We just seemed to get things about each other. Ended up fast friends and the idea of more was almost instant. Something just felt right in the conversations, online as well as over the phone. Who knew 2,000 miles could seem so close together over the phone.
We spoke for about a month, things moving at blinding speed, I had never seen her in person, but I loved her. Some things just happen like that. Yet some times shit just snags and so did we. She still working out the recent end to a two year relationship, me dealing with my own issues of depression, anxiety and an unforeseen event that shook my already thin foundation. We parted, and not on the best terms, more frustration than anger. We both had our parts to play, and timing just helped move them along.
As time went by, I kept up on events in her life through her LJ. I guess I just wanted to know she was doing alright. Leaving comments here and there, attempting(failing?) little jokes, letting her know, we were good friends and that that could be okay. I missed laughing with her, I missed my friend.
It's funny looking back because neither of us were wrong, time was, we were early...
Around November we were talking a little and she had called me on my actual birthday(15th of), which was hard to know how to take, but greatly appreciated. It was kind of the start of us taking our walls back down. Although, sidenote: her birthday is the 20th of November, and I totally didn't call. I was scared, I am also a bastard, so, there's that... back to the story.
Some time passed and conversation grew. We started being friends again(aw...?), though I have to say, she was a bit of an ass, partially I think to keep some of the wall up and more, cause, well, she can be, and it's funny, it really wasn't mean spirited, she's just good at being a jerk. It was getting hard though, because as much as I wanted my friend back, I still loved her, and it left a dull ache in my smiles.
Around this time, sadly(obviously) her nephew passed away after a long fight with cancer, that kid was strong... I would have given anything to have known him. I felt helpless to console her, so I did what I do with most people I see in pain, I just talk with them. I tried to keep things as light as I could without ignoring the obvious circumstances at hand. She didn't want to be consoled, she didn't want sorries, so I did what I could to give her everything else. She and her sister are so amazingly strong(see a pattern in that family?). Whether she'll accept that statement or not, I know she is.
Through first time blunders and second time friendship, then through tragedy, we found ourselves getting closer to what at the time, I really wasn't sure.
We seemed to edge towards our feelings like you warm up to a chilled pool. Filled with maybes, could be's and perhaps. Finally just falling back in with barely a whimpered glance at the past. Back to that love thing.
But what can truly be said without touch, without actual full interaction, this needed to be addressed before things could become real. What do you really know about someone who can hide behind a keyboard and phone. We were honest, but we needed to know just how honest that really is.
We set a date. The date got bumped up. Patience was not sitting with me any more. May 7th I flew to San Diego from Minneapolis, 2000 miles to find out if this was really worth what we'd been pining over.
It was.
5 months and 3 one week trips. San Diego, Osceola(my town), San Diego.
Each trip better and better.
Deeper and deeper.
We weren't escaping this, this was the stuff I've romanticized over since I could carry a crush in my heart.
On the last visit to San Diego, we went to the wall in LA. This was where it started, Elliott Smith. His music, his forum, brought us together, this was where I needed to make it right, full circle. We had a picnic right there on the sidewalk in front of the wall. Salad, sandwiches and crangrape juice in plastic win glasses. All those words in the winding stripes, signatures witnessing me get on my knee. My words pulled from the edge of my brain, stumbling out, expressing love I never knew I could experience. And finally, will you marry me, giving her the remake of her mother's lost engagement ring. Nodding, disbelief and then yes echoed on the strip, followed with a tight embrace. Say Yes sappily sung gently as we swayed in the sweltering heat, sweaty and in love.
Sidenote: first person to find out we were engaged? Simon "Shaun of the Dead" Pegg at the Spaced signing, mere half an hour after it occurred. Followed by Kevin freaking Smith, excuse my fanboyism...
After all was said and done and much enjoyment at Comic-Con. She flew back with me to Wisconsin to stay for the month... I miss coming home to her every day. She is my bliss, she is my home, my lover, my friend, my equal.
Now in just under a month(this thing has more conclusions than Return of the King, I know...), I'll be driving to San Diego, to stay. I'm coming home.
Thanks to Elliott(and Barenaked Ladies kind of...who knew?)
Sigh. I hate mentioning this last part, and after Thursday, I will edit and delete this part, I promise, but, I entered a radio contest for the chance to win $10,000. This money would greatly help me in the move to San Diego. I need votes though. If anyone would be willing to vote for me, I'd greatly appreciate it. I feel like I'm tainting this entry with this statement, believe me, it'll be out after Thursday, but til then, I could really use this... Ugh, I almost screeched in the beginning, so much adrenaline and nervousness, including being up from 8pm to 10am(when I sang) and I called Melissa babe in it...I hate that word...sigh... Just click my name (Joshua Terwillger, right hand side, Ballroom Blitz) and put your email(no subscription catch or anything) and just verify when you get the email notice. Thanks? kool108.com/pages/promotions/KaraokeChampionships.html