Fic: Cover Up The Damage [4 and 5/?]
Title: Cover Up The Damage
Author: elphie_uk
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: M
Characters/Pairings: Morgana/Arthur, Merlin and Morgause
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Summary: The public believe that Morgana le Fay has it all; she’s stunningly beautiful, envied by most women and fancied by most men, she’s going out with ‘Britain’s sexiest man’ and she’s a world-renowned classical pianist. But something has just blown her world apart.
Warnings: Pre-fic Incest (nothing graphic). Expletives. Modern AU.
A/N: Beta'd by thelovelylaura.
Hiatus is finally over! Sorry about that! Exams are nearly done, so yeay! I'm putting four and five in one post.
Thank you to themirrorofsin for reviewing!
4. Pieces
Arthur sat in his car outside his house for hours, waiting for his father to leave. He knew that this might take a while due to the fact that the house contained its own meeting and conference rooms. He didn't imagine that he would be taking too many meetings today though, "Though I wouldn't put it past him to hold a press conference." He muttered to himself.
Merlin joined him in the car after a while, "Do you want me to go in there? I know where all of your stuff is."
"You think I'd wear anything that you picked out?" he asked, not intentionally being cruel. After a while he said, "Morgana and I had just started viewing houses together. We were going to get away from here as soon as I finished my degree, have our own place."
"Shouldn't you be at uni now?" Merlin asked unhelpfully.
Arthur glared at him in response. After a moment he turned to look into the living room of the mansion. It was quite a way away on account of the large drive, but he could just about make out Morgana's piano, her pride and joy, "She'll want that back soon. I wonder if she'll be flying to America tomorrow?" he pondered.
Merlin shook his head, "She's cancelled all upcoming performances and appearances."
"Oh." Was all that Arthur could think of to say. He sighed, "She was planning on doing another degree."
"Really?" Merlin asked, not overly interested.
Arthur nodded, "She said that she wanted the 'real university experience'… I'm not entirely sure what that is, but she assured me that it wasn't studying the piano at the Royal Academy at the age of sixteen." He smiled as he remembered her saying this, "She wanted to study English Literature in Exeter."
"You were planning on moving out of Camelot?" Merlin asked, a little offended that his best friend hadn't informed him of this any earlier.
He shrugged, "She seemed to go off the idea about a week ago… said she thought that this probably wasn't the best time to start at uni again. She didn't really go into any more detail than that… The other morning, the morning before… you know… Morgana was teasing me, saying that she had something big to tell me. I think she was going to announce it at dinner that night…" He sighed, "However some other revelations got in the way."
"He can be so thick sometimes." Morgana sighed after Merlin had told her about his and Arthur's earlier conversation. She stared up at the full moon, the wind rustling through her hair.
Merlin had a thing about balconies… they never looked quite safe enough. However he had joined Morgana out on Morgause's when she had appeared reluctant to come back inside, "What do you mean?"
Morgana was unsure whether to tell him, "I can trust you, can't I?" She looked into his eyes.
"Of course you can." Merlin smiled. After a second he realised that he would have to keep whatever she was about to tell him a secret from Arthur.
"People can't know about this… no-one can know." Her tears glistened in the moonlight, "Can't you guess Merlin? I told him that I had something big to tell him and then that evening we had, to put it lightly, a big argument stemming from the discovery of a pregnancy test." She looked away from him, not wanting to see his reaction.
"Wha- But- Oh shit…" He was just as dumbfounded as he had been two nights before, "You said that you weren't though! You said that you hadn't even opened the box!"
"There is the possibility that I bought more than one test Merlin!" She snapped before instantly calming, "Sorry. I didn't admit it then because Gaius was there."
"So you're pregnant." He said it out loud.
"Yes." She whispered, "I'm pregnant with Arthur's baby. My own brother's." She had finally admitted it to herself. She burst into tears.
Despite the amount of tears he had seen coming from Morgana's eyes over the past couple of days, he still wasn't quite sure how to deal with it, "What are you going to do?" Merlin asked, awkwardly putting his arm around her shoulder.
"I can't get rid of it." She sobbed, "I love him to much for that." She lay back in Merlin's arms, "I had known that I was pregnant for a few days before I had decided to tell Arthur… I had already started planning things in my head. We were going to be a family… a perfect family that neither Arthur nor I had had in the past. I was euphoric."
"That's why you decided not to go to university again?" The pieces were slotting together.
"I just wanted to concentrate on being a mother. I was so happy with my life Merlin! I could deal with the press and all of the crap, because I would have all that I've ever wanted." Her hand hovered down to her stomach, "With a childhood like mine, you grow up with so many insecurities, ones that you don't even realise that you have until something comes along that just makes everything right… I knew that it could all be blown apart with, you know, a miscarriage or something, but I had never even comprehended something like this happening."
Merlin had always known that Morgana was a bit messed up; When she was a mere infant she had watched her mother slowly succumb to cancer and less than four years later the news was brought to her that her father had been killed whilst doing business in the Middle-East. She had hated being forced to move to England and she had tried to reject it as much as possible, even now straining to keep her childhood accent. She had hated having to live with Uther, thinking him arrogant and pigheaded and had taken an instant dislike to his son. She hadn't gotten along with anyone at school particularly well apart from Gwen who had come along about two years after she had moved. She dressed strangely, she was introverted and she had put everything into her piano, trying to push everyone around her away. Of course this became harder to do as she got older, more sophisticated, more beautiful and more popular. She had eventually accepted her life in Camelot, but it wasn't until she found that true connection with Arthur eighteen months ago that she had appeared to be truly happy.
Merlin had been trusted with a secret to do with Morgana and Arthur in the past; the couple had conducted their affair in secret at first with only and Gwen knowing about it. Perhaps if he had told someone about it earlier, then Uther would have put a stop to it. But it wasn't his place.
"How could he do this to me Merlin?" Morgana asked, desperately wanting an answer.
5. Pillow of Broken Glass
Morgana stood staring at the front door, not quite knowing how long she'd been there for. Merlin had told her that Arthur had waited for Uther to leave before he went in to get some things, but she wasn't scared of him, she wouldn't hide.
She was no longer aware of the line of paparazzi that were leaning through the front gate, trying to get a good picture of her. Everyone loved a good crisis for the country's richest and most perfect family.
She flinched as the door before her was slowly opened, "Morgana? Are you going to be standing there for much longer?"
Not looking into his eyes, she stepped inside, "I've come to get some of my things. Could you have the piano sent over to Morgause's house please?" She walked past him.
"Morgana-"
She spun around, "Uther. Or should I call you daddy?" She glared at him. She scanned his body. Clean shaven and as smart as ever, "You've not taken any time out of work then?"
"I'm on the verge of a big deal. Pendragon's is about to become the market leader in-"
"I really don't give a fuck Uther." She spat, "And neither should you, not at a time like this. Anyone looking at you wouldn't think that anything even slightly out of the ordinary had happened to you in the last couple of days."
"You're not going to Carnegie then?" He turned around and started walking through to the kitchen.
She suddenly tensed up and shut her eyes tightly, "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" She started to shake, "Doesn't anyone even begin to understand what's going through my head at the moment?"
Uther was suddenly very worried about her, "Morgana, maybe you should sit down. I'll get you some water."
"Oh shut up Uther!" She cried, "Don't you get it? Carnegie hall is so, so tiny compared this!"
Uther stepped towards her, "I know that it might feel like it now, but I promise you that this isn't the end of the world." He lifted his hand to her shoulder.
She recoiled violently, "How dare you? How dare you dismiss what you've done to me? How dare you even come near me? You've ruined everything!" Her chest rose and fell quickly, her breath becoming increasingly laboured, "You're walking around as if nothing's happened, nothing at all!"
"We can't let the media get their story, I don't want pictures of us looking like we've hit rock bottom splashed across the tabloids!" Uther argued, getting angry with his daughter.
Morgana couldn't quite believe her ears, "They've got their fucking story Uther! It couldn't get any bigger than this! Don't you realise that? Try to cover up all the damage, put on a smiling face for the press, is that how you intend to get over this? It doesn't work like that Uther." She moved onto another subject, something that had been gnawing at her brain for the last three days, "Did my father know about this? When he was nursing my mother when she was dying, did he even know?"
"I… I don't know." Uther admitted.
"You don't know." She laughed hysterically, "And did Ygraine ever know? When you and she were trying so desperately for a child, did she know that one of her closest friends was being knocked up by her husband? I must have been born at around the same time that you found out that you were having Arthur. Is that why you never even saw me for the first few months of my life? I remember my father telling me about when he first brought me to England to meet my Uncle Uther and my new baby cousin."
"I was there for you, for both of you!" Uther sighed remembering the past. Of course he had been reminded of his past mistakes for every day of the last twenty one years.
"Financially maybe, but that doesn't mean that you were there. You have grown so used to lying, that you're not even sure of what the truth is any more!" She clutched her chest, "You've not apologised… not once."
"I never intended to hurt you Morgana. How do you expect me to profess feelings that aren't actually real, I won't do it. You're young, you'll get through this." He started to walk away again.
"You bastard!" She shouted after him. He continued to walk away, not looking back at her, "Look at me Uther! Look at me!" she screamed. Her breath rattled in her throat, "I'm pregnant Uther! So you tell me how I get through this!"
Arthur raised his hands to his eyes, "I'm not shaking." He observed.
Merlin looked up from his battered old laptop, "Umm… no, you're not. Should you be?" he asked, his brow furrowed a little.
Arthur shrugged, "You said that Morgana was shaking when you saw her yesterday. Shouldn't I be shaking? I mean, we're going through the same thing." He stood up and went to look through Merlin's front window, just as Morgana had two days previously.
'Not quite the same thing', Merlin thought a little guiltily; when he returned home last night Arthur had been eager to know what had happened, but Merlin had been forced to leave out some of the details. Though Arthur was his best friend, Morgana was so fragile right now and he didn't want to risk anything pushing her over the edge, "Maybe you're just coping with things little better," he offered, "I mean, you just found out that Morgana's your sister. She found out that you're her brother, Uther's her father, Gorlois wasn't and her mother wasn't the woman that she remembered."
"I suppose. I don't know how much respect she had left for her mother though after finding out about Morgause." Arthur moved towards Merlin a little anxiously, "But is she alright Merlin? Is she really alright?" His head was still an angry mess, but his concern for Morgana was beginning to overwhelm him, making him put aside his own grievances.
"She will be." Merlin said after a few seconds thought.
Arthur sat back down in a chair that was placed by the window, "I'll kill him for what he's done to us, I swear it."
"No you won't Arthur." Merlin said knowingly.
He put his head in his hands, "Why was I such a coward yesterday? Why didn't I face him?"
"Because you were doing the sensible thing."
'Keeping away from Morgana would be 'the sensible thing'', he sighed, "Well stuff being sensible."
Morgana sat curled up on the edge her bed, shaking violently, her nails digging into the sides of her arms. It was a good thing she needed to keep them short for playing the piano. She didn't know what was happening to her. It was all moving so quickly, "I was so happy." She whispered, tears drowning her face, "How did I get here?" she knew that she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
No-one understood, not even Merlin, how could they? How could even Arthur? He didn't have this baby growing inside him, something that she loved so desperately, but was some sort of abomination. He hadn't had the image of his dead mother desecrated forever. Arthur was the only thing in her life that kept her sane. She could have coped if they split up, if he'd had an affair or if it just hadn't worked out, there'd be other things, other people to support her, people who understood.
She thought about her sister, a master in business, defying the stereotype and generally kicking arse in the boardroom.
Then there was Gwen, going around, doing what she could for the world. Her most recent trip was funded by Morgana herself; she had set up an orphanage in Kenya and she had sent her best friend out to help run it for a few months. It had always been Gwen's life ambition to help starving children. Morgana smiled when she thought of Gwen, oblivious to what was happening back at home.
The women in her life were brilliant. She admired and envied them and to some extent, they were both happy. But she was lost, deep into the void, never to be recovered. Such darkness shrouded her, clouding her every thought. She just felt pain and anger and confusion and she couldn't ever remember what optimism felt like, "I don't want to know what it feels like." She knew that it was irrational, but it was hard to define what was and wasn't rational in the world she now found herself in.
She ran her fingers through her long raven hair. She started to tug at it, screaming at the world. She suddenly found small clumps of it in her hands. She turned her head to face to look into the large mirror that sat on the dressing table opposite her. She saw a twisted image of what she once was. She was malformed and ugly and just wrong. She leant over to pick it up before throwing it down onto the floor with as much forced as she could, letting out a long wail. It shattered immediately upon impact, shards of glass flying everywhere, a few razor sharp pieces cutting through the outer layers of her skin. One big piece lay on the floor in front of her. The eyes that were reflected in it bore into her.
She dived towards in, falling off her bed and landing in a pile of broken glass, "Stop staring at me!" She screamed hysterically, picking up the largest piece of mirror, hardly noticing it slice through her skin, "Leave me alone!" her voice turned into a whisper, "Leave me alone… please." She begged.
"Morgana?" she looked up to see Arthur standing at the door open mouthed, "Morgana you're bleeding!" he was rooted to the spot, shock at the sight he saw before him controlling his body momentarily.
"Just let me die." She whispered, resting her head on a pillow of broken glass, trying not to let who was standing at the door register, "I can't deal with this anymore… I don't want to have to deal with this; I just want it to end."
"What has he done to you?" He slowly walked over to her and stroked his hand down her face.
Morgana closed her eyes, breathing in the smell of his hand, comforted by it's warmth. As he started to pull his hand away she grabbed onto it, "Don't leave me Arthur."
"We can't do this." Arthur bit his bottom lip, "It's wrong."
She sat up and brought her bleeding hand to softly caress Arthur's cheek, "But it feels so right. It's felt more right that anything else I have ever experienced."
A gentle tear landed on Morgana's hand, "I know." He stood up and slowly lifted her up, guiding her through to the en-suite bathroom. He sat her on the edge of the bath and ran a flannel under hot water and started to press it gently on her skin, "I think we'll have to take you to hospital; there's quite a bit of glass embedded in your skin."
Morgana sat shaking, staring into his eyes, "Am I going mad? She asked honestly, "I feel like I'm falling apart."
"You're not going mad." He rubbed the now scarlet flannel against her cheek, "I promise." His head slowly craned forwards. He laid his lips on hers. It was the most natural feeling in the world.
Morgana reciprocated the kiss; she wanted to stay like this forever, "I love you." She whispered, "I love you so much."
"No." he whispered. He suddenly came to his senses, pushing her away "No!"
Morgana lost her balance, falling back into the bathtub, "Arthur!" she cried, clutching her stomach.
"This is wrong!" he shouted before running out of the room, tears streaming down his face.
"Arthur!" she gasped, a sharp pain shooting through her body. She reached down, putting her hands down her trousers. She pulled out her fingers to find them covered in blood, "No." she whispered, "No, no, no!" she repeated. Her eyes were tired of crying and no more tears fell. She just lay there in her own blood, waiting for her own child to abandon her too.
Author: elphie_uk
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: M
Characters/Pairings: Morgana/Arthur, Merlin and Morgause
Disclaimer: Not mine!
Summary: The public believe that Morgana le Fay has it all; she’s stunningly beautiful, envied by most women and fancied by most men, she’s going out with ‘Britain’s sexiest man’ and she’s a world-renowned classical pianist. But something has just blown her world apart.
Warnings: Pre-fic Incest (nothing graphic). Expletives. Modern AU.
A/N: Beta'd by thelovelylaura.
Hiatus is finally over! Sorry about that! Exams are nearly done, so yeay! I'm putting four and five in one post.
Thank you to themirrorofsin for reviewing!
4. Pieces
Arthur sat in his car outside his house for hours, waiting for his father to leave. He knew that this might take a while due to the fact that the house contained its own meeting and conference rooms. He didn't imagine that he would be taking too many meetings today though, "Though I wouldn't put it past him to hold a press conference." He muttered to himself.
Merlin joined him in the car after a while, "Do you want me to go in there? I know where all of your stuff is."
"You think I'd wear anything that you picked out?" he asked, not intentionally being cruel. After a while he said, "Morgana and I had just started viewing houses together. We were going to get away from here as soon as I finished my degree, have our own place."
"Shouldn't you be at uni now?" Merlin asked unhelpfully.
Arthur glared at him in response. After a moment he turned to look into the living room of the mansion. It was quite a way away on account of the large drive, but he could just about make out Morgana's piano, her pride and joy, "She'll want that back soon. I wonder if she'll be flying to America tomorrow?" he pondered.
Merlin shook his head, "She's cancelled all upcoming performances and appearances."
"Oh." Was all that Arthur could think of to say. He sighed, "She was planning on doing another degree."
"Really?" Merlin asked, not overly interested.
Arthur nodded, "She said that she wanted the 'real university experience'… I'm not entirely sure what that is, but she assured me that it wasn't studying the piano at the Royal Academy at the age of sixteen." He smiled as he remembered her saying this, "She wanted to study English Literature in Exeter."
"You were planning on moving out of Camelot?" Merlin asked, a little offended that his best friend hadn't informed him of this any earlier.
He shrugged, "She seemed to go off the idea about a week ago… said she thought that this probably wasn't the best time to start at uni again. She didn't really go into any more detail than that… The other morning, the morning before… you know… Morgana was teasing me, saying that she had something big to tell me. I think she was going to announce it at dinner that night…" He sighed, "However some other revelations got in the way."
"He can be so thick sometimes." Morgana sighed after Merlin had told her about his and Arthur's earlier conversation. She stared up at the full moon, the wind rustling through her hair.
Merlin had a thing about balconies… they never looked quite safe enough. However he had joined Morgana out on Morgause's when she had appeared reluctant to come back inside, "What do you mean?"
Morgana was unsure whether to tell him, "I can trust you, can't I?" She looked into his eyes.
"Of course you can." Merlin smiled. After a second he realised that he would have to keep whatever she was about to tell him a secret from Arthur.
"People can't know about this… no-one can know." Her tears glistened in the moonlight, "Can't you guess Merlin? I told him that I had something big to tell him and then that evening we had, to put it lightly, a big argument stemming from the discovery of a pregnancy test." She looked away from him, not wanting to see his reaction.
"Wha- But- Oh shit…" He was just as dumbfounded as he had been two nights before, "You said that you weren't though! You said that you hadn't even opened the box!"
"There is the possibility that I bought more than one test Merlin!" She snapped before instantly calming, "Sorry. I didn't admit it then because Gaius was there."
"So you're pregnant." He said it out loud.
"Yes." She whispered, "I'm pregnant with Arthur's baby. My own brother's." She had finally admitted it to herself. She burst into tears.
Despite the amount of tears he had seen coming from Morgana's eyes over the past couple of days, he still wasn't quite sure how to deal with it, "What are you going to do?" Merlin asked, awkwardly putting his arm around her shoulder.
"I can't get rid of it." She sobbed, "I love him to much for that." She lay back in Merlin's arms, "I had known that I was pregnant for a few days before I had decided to tell Arthur… I had already started planning things in my head. We were going to be a family… a perfect family that neither Arthur nor I had had in the past. I was euphoric."
"That's why you decided not to go to university again?" The pieces were slotting together.
"I just wanted to concentrate on being a mother. I was so happy with my life Merlin! I could deal with the press and all of the crap, because I would have all that I've ever wanted." Her hand hovered down to her stomach, "With a childhood like mine, you grow up with so many insecurities, ones that you don't even realise that you have until something comes along that just makes everything right… I knew that it could all be blown apart with, you know, a miscarriage or something, but I had never even comprehended something like this happening."
Merlin had always known that Morgana was a bit messed up; When she was a mere infant she had watched her mother slowly succumb to cancer and less than four years later the news was brought to her that her father had been killed whilst doing business in the Middle-East. She had hated being forced to move to England and she had tried to reject it as much as possible, even now straining to keep her childhood accent. She had hated having to live with Uther, thinking him arrogant and pigheaded and had taken an instant dislike to his son. She hadn't gotten along with anyone at school particularly well apart from Gwen who had come along about two years after she had moved. She dressed strangely, she was introverted and she had put everything into her piano, trying to push everyone around her away. Of course this became harder to do as she got older, more sophisticated, more beautiful and more popular. She had eventually accepted her life in Camelot, but it wasn't until she found that true connection with Arthur eighteen months ago that she had appeared to be truly happy.
Merlin had been trusted with a secret to do with Morgana and Arthur in the past; the couple had conducted their affair in secret at first with only and Gwen knowing about it. Perhaps if he had told someone about it earlier, then Uther would have put a stop to it. But it wasn't his place.
"How could he do this to me Merlin?" Morgana asked, desperately wanting an answer.
5. Pillow of Broken Glass
Morgana stood staring at the front door, not quite knowing how long she'd been there for. Merlin had told her that Arthur had waited for Uther to leave before he went in to get some things, but she wasn't scared of him, she wouldn't hide.
She was no longer aware of the line of paparazzi that were leaning through the front gate, trying to get a good picture of her. Everyone loved a good crisis for the country's richest and most perfect family.
She flinched as the door before her was slowly opened, "Morgana? Are you going to be standing there for much longer?"
Not looking into his eyes, she stepped inside, "I've come to get some of my things. Could you have the piano sent over to Morgause's house please?" She walked past him.
"Morgana-"
She spun around, "Uther. Or should I call you daddy?" She glared at him. She scanned his body. Clean shaven and as smart as ever, "You've not taken any time out of work then?"
"I'm on the verge of a big deal. Pendragon's is about to become the market leader in-"
"I really don't give a fuck Uther." She spat, "And neither should you, not at a time like this. Anyone looking at you wouldn't think that anything even slightly out of the ordinary had happened to you in the last couple of days."
"You're not going to Carnegie then?" He turned around and started walking through to the kitchen.
She suddenly tensed up and shut her eyes tightly, "Why does everyone keep asking me that?" She started to shake, "Doesn't anyone even begin to understand what's going through my head at the moment?"
Uther was suddenly very worried about her, "Morgana, maybe you should sit down. I'll get you some water."
"Oh shut up Uther!" She cried, "Don't you get it? Carnegie hall is so, so tiny compared this!"
Uther stepped towards her, "I know that it might feel like it now, but I promise you that this isn't the end of the world." He lifted his hand to her shoulder.
She recoiled violently, "How dare you? How dare you dismiss what you've done to me? How dare you even come near me? You've ruined everything!" Her chest rose and fell quickly, her breath becoming increasingly laboured, "You're walking around as if nothing's happened, nothing at all!"
"We can't let the media get their story, I don't want pictures of us looking like we've hit rock bottom splashed across the tabloids!" Uther argued, getting angry with his daughter.
Morgana couldn't quite believe her ears, "They've got their fucking story Uther! It couldn't get any bigger than this! Don't you realise that? Try to cover up all the damage, put on a smiling face for the press, is that how you intend to get over this? It doesn't work like that Uther." She moved onto another subject, something that had been gnawing at her brain for the last three days, "Did my father know about this? When he was nursing my mother when she was dying, did he even know?"
"I… I don't know." Uther admitted.
"You don't know." She laughed hysterically, "And did Ygraine ever know? When you and she were trying so desperately for a child, did she know that one of her closest friends was being knocked up by her husband? I must have been born at around the same time that you found out that you were having Arthur. Is that why you never even saw me for the first few months of my life? I remember my father telling me about when he first brought me to England to meet my Uncle Uther and my new baby cousin."
"I was there for you, for both of you!" Uther sighed remembering the past. Of course he had been reminded of his past mistakes for every day of the last twenty one years.
"Financially maybe, but that doesn't mean that you were there. You have grown so used to lying, that you're not even sure of what the truth is any more!" She clutched her chest, "You've not apologised… not once."
"I never intended to hurt you Morgana. How do you expect me to profess feelings that aren't actually real, I won't do it. You're young, you'll get through this." He started to walk away again.
"You bastard!" She shouted after him. He continued to walk away, not looking back at her, "Look at me Uther! Look at me!" she screamed. Her breath rattled in her throat, "I'm pregnant Uther! So you tell me how I get through this!"
Arthur raised his hands to his eyes, "I'm not shaking." He observed.
Merlin looked up from his battered old laptop, "Umm… no, you're not. Should you be?" he asked, his brow furrowed a little.
Arthur shrugged, "You said that Morgana was shaking when you saw her yesterday. Shouldn't I be shaking? I mean, we're going through the same thing." He stood up and went to look through Merlin's front window, just as Morgana had two days previously.
'Not quite the same thing', Merlin thought a little guiltily; when he returned home last night Arthur had been eager to know what had happened, but Merlin had been forced to leave out some of the details. Though Arthur was his best friend, Morgana was so fragile right now and he didn't want to risk anything pushing her over the edge, "Maybe you're just coping with things little better," he offered, "I mean, you just found out that Morgana's your sister. She found out that you're her brother, Uther's her father, Gorlois wasn't and her mother wasn't the woman that she remembered."
"I suppose. I don't know how much respect she had left for her mother though after finding out about Morgause." Arthur moved towards Merlin a little anxiously, "But is she alright Merlin? Is she really alright?" His head was still an angry mess, but his concern for Morgana was beginning to overwhelm him, making him put aside his own grievances.
"She will be." Merlin said after a few seconds thought.
Arthur sat back down in a chair that was placed by the window, "I'll kill him for what he's done to us, I swear it."
"No you won't Arthur." Merlin said knowingly.
He put his head in his hands, "Why was I such a coward yesterday? Why didn't I face him?"
"Because you were doing the sensible thing."
'Keeping away from Morgana would be 'the sensible thing'', he sighed, "Well stuff being sensible."
Morgana sat curled up on the edge her bed, shaking violently, her nails digging into the sides of her arms. It was a good thing she needed to keep them short for playing the piano. She didn't know what was happening to her. It was all moving so quickly, "I was so happy." She whispered, tears drowning her face, "How did I get here?" she knew that she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
No-one understood, not even Merlin, how could they? How could even Arthur? He didn't have this baby growing inside him, something that she loved so desperately, but was some sort of abomination. He hadn't had the image of his dead mother desecrated forever. Arthur was the only thing in her life that kept her sane. She could have coped if they split up, if he'd had an affair or if it just hadn't worked out, there'd be other things, other people to support her, people who understood.
She thought about her sister, a master in business, defying the stereotype and generally kicking arse in the boardroom.
Then there was Gwen, going around, doing what she could for the world. Her most recent trip was funded by Morgana herself; she had set up an orphanage in Kenya and she had sent her best friend out to help run it for a few months. It had always been Gwen's life ambition to help starving children. Morgana smiled when she thought of Gwen, oblivious to what was happening back at home.
The women in her life were brilliant. She admired and envied them and to some extent, they were both happy. But she was lost, deep into the void, never to be recovered. Such darkness shrouded her, clouding her every thought. She just felt pain and anger and confusion and she couldn't ever remember what optimism felt like, "I don't want to know what it feels like." She knew that it was irrational, but it was hard to define what was and wasn't rational in the world she now found herself in.
She ran her fingers through her long raven hair. She started to tug at it, screaming at the world. She suddenly found small clumps of it in her hands. She turned her head to face to look into the large mirror that sat on the dressing table opposite her. She saw a twisted image of what she once was. She was malformed and ugly and just wrong. She leant over to pick it up before throwing it down onto the floor with as much forced as she could, letting out a long wail. It shattered immediately upon impact, shards of glass flying everywhere, a few razor sharp pieces cutting through the outer layers of her skin. One big piece lay on the floor in front of her. The eyes that were reflected in it bore into her.
She dived towards in, falling off her bed and landing in a pile of broken glass, "Stop staring at me!" She screamed hysterically, picking up the largest piece of mirror, hardly noticing it slice through her skin, "Leave me alone!" her voice turned into a whisper, "Leave me alone… please." She begged.
"Morgana?" she looked up to see Arthur standing at the door open mouthed, "Morgana you're bleeding!" he was rooted to the spot, shock at the sight he saw before him controlling his body momentarily.
"Just let me die." She whispered, resting her head on a pillow of broken glass, trying not to let who was standing at the door register, "I can't deal with this anymore… I don't want to have to deal with this; I just want it to end."
"What has he done to you?" He slowly walked over to her and stroked his hand down her face.
Morgana closed her eyes, breathing in the smell of his hand, comforted by it's warmth. As he started to pull his hand away she grabbed onto it, "Don't leave me Arthur."
"We can't do this." Arthur bit his bottom lip, "It's wrong."
She sat up and brought her bleeding hand to softly caress Arthur's cheek, "But it feels so right. It's felt more right that anything else I have ever experienced."
A gentle tear landed on Morgana's hand, "I know." He stood up and slowly lifted her up, guiding her through to the en-suite bathroom. He sat her on the edge of the bath and ran a flannel under hot water and started to press it gently on her skin, "I think we'll have to take you to hospital; there's quite a bit of glass embedded in your skin."
Morgana sat shaking, staring into his eyes, "Am I going mad? She asked honestly, "I feel like I'm falling apart."
"You're not going mad." He rubbed the now scarlet flannel against her cheek, "I promise." His head slowly craned forwards. He laid his lips on hers. It was the most natural feeling in the world.
Morgana reciprocated the kiss; she wanted to stay like this forever, "I love you." She whispered, "I love you so much."
"No." he whispered. He suddenly came to his senses, pushing her away "No!"
Morgana lost her balance, falling back into the bathtub, "Arthur!" she cried, clutching her stomach.
"This is wrong!" he shouted before running out of the room, tears streaming down his face.
"Arthur!" she gasped, a sharp pain shooting through her body. She reached down, putting her hands down her trousers. She pulled out her fingers to find them covered in blood, "No." she whispered, "No, no, no!" she repeated. Her eyes were tired of crying and no more tears fell. She just lay there in her own blood, waiting for her own child to abandon her too.